- 2 days ago
First broadcast 13th September 2013.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Ross Noble
Noel Fielding
Colin Lane
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Ross Noble
Noel Fielding
Colin Lane
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00And welcome to QI, where tonight we're cantering through the whole kit and caboodle.
00:11It's a catch-all that can cover anything and anyone, including the wild expanse of Ross Noble.
00:23The far reaches of Noel Fielding.
00:30The sweeping vistas of Colin Lane.
00:38And the frozen wastes of Alan Davis.
00:48So, catch my attention if you can.
00:52Ross goes...
00:55Noel goes...
01:00Colin goes...
01:05And Alan goes...
01:06Stephen! Stephen! I'm at the point!
01:10Now, in case anybody's wondering, because he hasn't done that much television in Britain, we found Colin in Australia.
01:17Colin, in 1994, you won the Perrier Award, didn't you?
01:23Yes.
01:23For comedy at the Edinburgh Fringe.
01:24Yes.
01:24It's an incredibly distinguished award to win, as...
01:28I...
01:28No.
01:31You haven't won the Perrier Award, Stephen?
01:33Yes, I did win it, yes.
01:34Oh, you did?
01:35My group was the first to win it, ever.
01:38The first?
01:39As it happens, yes.
01:39But I wonder who you beat in 1994.
01:41Who came second?
01:42Er...
01:42There were a few other nominees.
01:45Er...
01:46Er...
01:47Er...
01:47Er...
01:47I think the main, er...
01:49Competition came from a little fellow, er...
01:52Er...
01:53His name was Alan Davies.
01:54Oh, yes.
01:56Oh, yes.
01:56Oh, yes.
01:57Alan Davies, yes.
01:58Then I went to Melbourne, and I stayed at Colin's house, and...
02:01He put the Perrier Award on the bedside table.
02:09Er...
02:10Er...
02:10He had to look in the loft for it.
02:11He had to look in the loft for it.
02:13And the Perrier Award, um, Alan...
02:16Er...
02:17Er...
02:17It was like a piece of wood, with like a silver Perrier bottle on top,
02:23with a little cap on it, that kind of just fell off a couple of days after we got it.
02:28And the award for Best Newcomer was a lovely, er...
02:33Er...
02:34Really?
02:35That was you?
02:36That was you?
02:38That was you!
02:43It's a...
02:44That's a trophy, isn't it?
02:45It's not much of a cube, like a Star Trek thing.
02:47It's a big, oblong, er...
02:48Yeah, Star Trek thing.
02:49With the shape of a Perrier bottle made out of bubbles inside it.
02:53It's really...
02:54It's really, really nice.
02:55I gave it to my mum.
02:56I don't know.
02:58Anyway, that's enough inspecting our own bottoms.
03:01It's embarrassing.
03:02So, er...
03:03Suggest, if you may, some uses of kitty litter that don't involve a kitty.
03:09Aww.
03:10Er...
03:10I've got some kitty litter here.
03:12Anyone could use it for absorbing their urine, couldn't they?
03:15Well, you could use it in the same way that a kitty would use it, yeah.
03:18Because it does soak up water.
03:20Can you, like, when you drop your phone in the loo, you're supposed to put it in a tub of
03:23rice to get the moisture out.
03:24Indeed.
03:25Can you do that with cat litter?
03:26There's an episode of Elementary, which is based on that very fact.
03:29There's an episode of Jonathan Crete where I weed in some cat litter.
03:33Say I.
03:34The character Jonathan.
03:35Listen!
03:36It's more backwards as to how that could possibly be a plot line that you weed in cat litter.
03:41I just got trapped in the cellar for ages and I needed a weed.
03:44No, I shouldn't.
03:45I swear not.
03:46Erm...
03:46When you're at school, when people throw up, don't they put cat...
03:49Sort of.
03:50That's a good thing to do.
03:51That's a good thing to do.
03:52Anything like that.
03:53Instead it's sort of weird brown sand.
03:55Yeah, and they say there's nothing to see here, but there is, isn't there?
03:59It's a really good thing.
04:01There's a lot to see there.
04:03Also, they draw a chalk line round it like it had died.
04:07Yes.
04:07To see the body.
04:09The skill was to make it in the shape of a dead body.
04:12Make it look like a mammal.
04:14A raccoon has died.
04:17It's always a bit of fun to put it in a sugar bowl so that when somebody adds it to
04:22their tea,
04:23tea's gone.
04:28Probably the most profitable use, bizarrely, was by the American tobacco industry.
04:32Can you imagine why that might be?
04:34There's a tax on tobacco, obviously.
04:36There was a tax on small cigars and American tobacco...
04:39Filters in filters?
04:39They bulked up their small cigars to become big cigars.
04:44Oh.
04:45Using, amongst other things, the ingredients of cat litter.
04:47Which is disgusting.
04:50That's a big cigar.
04:51I think that's someone's leg.
04:53Right.
04:54She's eaten someone.
04:55That is enormous.
04:57I think they bulked that one up too much.
05:00That's a normal-sized cigar, I think, but she's just a very small woman.
05:04They apparently reduced their tax take on tobacco by over a billion this way,
05:09by bumping small cigars into the big cigar category.
05:12But, unfortunately, a lot of cats leapt off their wings on their ears.
05:16Yes.
05:17I'm going to celebrate the deal.
05:21Why did they choose kitty litter?
05:24Oh, it was because it's a kind of neutral stuff that burns,
05:27that doesn't really taste of anything unpleasant.
05:29It burns.
05:29And it's cheap, and it isn't tobacco, so it doesn't have a tax on it.
05:33What about some soil, maybe?
05:34That would be cheaper than kitty litter.
05:35The trouble of the soil is it wouldn't burn, and it would taste unpleasant.
05:38What about air?
05:39Yeah.
05:40It's a foot pump.
05:42Yeah.
05:43Well, then there's still some helium, so that you just have your cigar,
05:46and you don't have to hold it, you just take your hand away,
05:49it just floats there like that.
05:50And then you go, this is a lovely cigar!
05:58This is enormous!
06:01So it's highly flammable, so basically, if a kid...
06:04It's not highly flammable.
06:05You just burn it like tobacco.
06:07It doesn't go...
06:08It doesn't go...
06:10It's probably apocryphal, but there's a story about Churchill,
06:14or if you're American, about Clarence Darrow, the famous lawyer.
06:17Do you remember Scope's monkey trial?
06:19He was the great lawyer who defended the teacher who was teaching evolution.
06:23I can see why Winston Churchill is so angry.
06:26He's the Prime Minister, and he's got a cigar with a dent in it.
06:30That's a...
06:31That's from where a small kitten landed on it.
06:35And then left off.
06:37But they had a trick, supposedly,
06:39which withdrew people's attention from what they were saying
06:42and made them agree with them.
06:43And that was they would stick a needle or long pin
06:46into their cigar lengthways,
06:48which has the effect of keeping the ash from falling.
06:52And so at meetings, people would just stare at those cigars,
06:56and they would say things like,
06:57ah, we shall not give independence to India.
07:00And they go, yes, fine, absolutely, agree with you.
07:02Because they just couldn't take in what was being said.
07:05It's a very brilliant strategy.
07:07It was like...
07:07It was like, just now, when you said monkey trial,
07:09I couldn't hear anything else you were saying.
07:12Imagine a trial with monkeys.
07:15A monkey challenge.
07:16Like guerrilla warfare.
07:20It's true.
07:21None of the information going in, just imagining...
07:23Or a kangaroo court.
07:24Yeah, exactly.
07:26It's very, very confusing.
07:27But there are other uses for kitty litter.
07:29A small jar of clean litter in the fridge will get rid of unwanted smells.
07:34Will it?
07:34With the lid off?
07:35Well, yes.
07:38You seal it in a vacuum.
07:42People would put it in with the lid on his owner.
07:45Not me.
07:46Kitty litter...
07:46I know, the lid off.
07:47But other people, they would put it in and say,
07:49the fridge still stinks, Fry.
07:52You've got to help people.
07:54Kitty litter doesn't come with a lid.
07:57It comes in a sack.
07:58It doesn't come in a jar either, doesn't it?
07:59You brought the jar up.
08:00No, you put it in a jar from the sack.
08:03Yes, but not with the lid on.
08:05All right.
08:06Pointlessly, I'll concede you that.
08:08Does it have to be a jar?
08:10It doesn't.
08:10It could be a mug or a teacup.
08:12A saucer.
08:13A simple saucer.
08:14Some sort of vessel or a receptacle.
08:16As long as you're warm, you've got to be very careful
08:20not to use the vegetable tray,
08:23because if you fill that full of kitty litter,
08:25very confusing.
08:26Yes.
08:28You can put a cup full of litter in a pair of tights.
08:31Bear with me.
08:32Tie off the top,
08:34and leave it in your shoes overnight for freshness.
08:38There's a hint.
08:38Yes.
08:39Oh, it's good.
08:40Someone's going to try that in the audience.
08:42Someone's got a teenage son with smelly trainers.
08:46Trainers?
08:46Is that what we're doing to me?
08:48What are you doing to me?
08:49I said, trainers.
08:50Trainers?
08:52I've got to put some tights in my shoes.
08:54Yeah.
08:56Kitty litter in them.
08:58Oh, yeah.
08:58He's laughing now.
08:59Any minute now, I'll go...
09:02So when you see the male ballet dancers in their tights,
09:05is that what the...
09:06Absolutely.
09:06Is that what the...
09:07The lifting will go...
09:09It may be fresh.
09:10It may look fresh.
09:11Go on, love.
09:12Smell that.
09:13Eat your dinner off that.
09:15Not eating me dinner off that.
09:17Yeah, I got it out the fridge.
09:1820 minutes ago.
09:19There's a jar down there.
09:22Yeah.
09:23The point is, the last thing that kitty litter needs is a kitty.
09:26Really?
09:26You could use it for so many other things.
09:28Name the product which put Kendall on the map.
09:31Oh.
09:31Oh.
09:33Oh.
09:34Oh.
09:34Oh.
09:37I'm being pointed at.
09:39Let's do it one letter at a time.
09:41Yeah.
09:41I love saying that word as well.
09:44Those words together.
09:45You do you?
09:46Yeah.
09:46I have no idea what you're talking about.
09:49You're really...
09:50Kendall mint cake.
09:51What?
09:55There is a mint cake which went up Everest to the first...
09:58The conquering of Everest and Scott took on the...
10:00High sugar.
10:01It's good for giving you energy when you...
10:03It's rather delicious, actually.
10:04I see.
10:05But it's not what put Kendall on the map, as it were.
10:07Kendall became famous for another product.
10:09And it's actually extraordinary.
10:11It's a machine that was built in 1750 and is possibly the oldest...
10:15Still working machine in the world.
10:19It's still producing the same stuff now.
10:21It was actually built to make gunpowder.
10:25But quite early on in its life, it was schlepped down to Kendall...
10:30By ass or donkey.
10:32And then started to make what it still makes to this day.
10:35Which is of the same consistency.
10:37It's gunpowder.
10:40That map's only of any use, really, if you're going driving to Kendall.
10:44If you're...
10:46You're absolutely right.
10:48There's not much use for anything else.
10:50And even then it's pretty vague.
10:52I used to sell those maps and people would come in and go,
10:54I'm going to Birmingham and I'd go,
10:55no, you're great.
10:56Yeah.
10:57I've only got a Kendall map.
10:58Do you use it in the home?
11:00We nowadays very rarely use it.
11:02It was the most popular form of delivery of this drug up until about 1900.
11:09Nicotine?
11:10Nicotine is the right answer.
11:11How is nicotine most delivered?
11:13Snuff.
11:14Kendall has a snuff mill that has been going since 1750 and still produces snuff.
11:20Ah, the old Kendall snuff mill.
11:22Yeah, the old Kendall snuff mill.
11:23I knew that.
11:24I have some snuff for you to try in different flavours.
11:27You can see whether the lid is lying or not.
11:31Ah!
11:32Special QI lids.
11:33You can take it if you want.
11:35You obviously inhale it up the nose.
11:37You do it all, right?
11:38All.
11:40Yes, you do it all.
11:41Don't do it all, no.
11:42It's very sharp.
11:44It is.
11:45It's sharp.
12:05What's your flavour saying?
12:07It says Christmas pudding.
12:09You've got Christmas pudding.
12:11The only time...
12:12No, no, no, no.
12:15No, no, no, no.
12:16No, no, no, no.
12:17Honestly, it's fine.
12:18It's fine.
12:18It's fine.
12:18It's fine.
12:18It's fine.
12:18It's fine.
12:18Put it in your eyes.
12:25This is probably the only time my nan's going to watch me on telly and I'll be like
12:28that the whole show.
12:31What do you reckon, Colin?
12:33Oh, that is the...
12:34The flavour says kitty litter.
12:40That is awful.
12:41You know I'm not a fan.
12:42I'm not a fan.
12:43It says champagne.
12:45Yeah, they're different.
12:46There's so many...
12:47I mean hundreds, thousands of different flavours or sorts as they're called.
12:51What is your favourite one?
12:53Flavour?
12:53Yeah.
12:54Jealousy.
12:56Like Calvin Klein.
12:57Whisky and honey.
12:58Yeah.
13:00Does it take...
13:00No, not really.
13:01When you've come down...
13:02I can't see.
13:04It can't see anything.
13:08Who's talking to me?
13:11Your flavour's madness.
13:14It says ping of butter.
13:16No, it says perio.
13:17Oh, does it?
13:25Perio.
13:26Smells of victory.
13:29The problem is it makes your snot brown, so there's snuff handkerchiefs which are brown silk handkerchiefs or dark coloured
13:33silk handkerchiefs.
13:34But that will really, you'll see, you'll get a...
13:39It'll look as if you've wiped your arse, I'm afraid.
13:41Oh!
13:42Oh!
13:44Oh!
13:45From here it looks like a Turin shroud.
13:49Oh!
13:56Oh!
14:00Oh!
14:00Oh!
14:01Oh!
14:06Oh!
14:09Oh!
14:15Oh!
14:16Oh!
14:22Oh!
14:23Oh!
14:34Oh!
14:34Oh!
14:47Oh!
14:51Oh!
14:55Oh!
14:58Oh!
15:03Oh!
15:10Oh!
15:23Oh!
15:23Oh!
15:24Oh!
15:24Oh!
15:24Oh!
15:24Oh!
15:24Oh!
15:25Oh!
15:25Oh!
15:46Oh!
15:47Oh!
15:47There's a picture in the lid of your snuff box.
15:51Oh!
15:52the snuffs kicked in I've only got a headshot oh it's only a headshot as it
15:58happens she wouldn't be wearing a bad awful full have you even lie I've taken
16:04a face and arranged the snuff so it looks like she's a bearded lady like
16:09that magnetic thing with iron filings I used to love it says in undergarments
16:13so sort of pants well it's a woman who is probably you could regard as almost
16:17the first celebrity in a strange sort of way in as much as she wasn't an
16:21aristocrat a politician an artist a warrior she had no accomplishment
16:26whatsoever Katie Katie price basically
16:37an 18th century courtesan which is not a word we use anymore so she really rose to
16:44fame in the mid 18th century when she fell off her horse in st. James's Park and it
16:49was revealed to the astonished onlookers going commander she would go in
16:53commando she had no underwear there is a picture which is slightly overdone but
16:57it's an example that's what going commando is no no no no pants no pants yeah
17:08Kitty Fisher such was her name Kitty Fisher she went to commando and she exploited it
17:14enormously and there were snuff boxes produced with pictures of her in them
17:18and muff boxes it was her and there were watches the mantra lubric lubricious watches which used the
17:28clockwork to show her doing rather pornographical things in in sort of like a
17:32sort of automaton kind of a little movement oh god you wouldn't want the
17:35grandfather clock with a pendulum version
17:37she was sensationally dissolute
17:44don't even know why that's funny
17:46just don't overthink it
17:47her life was sensationally dissolute Casanova describes a moment where she
17:54ate a 1000 guinea note with butter spread them and 1000 guineas in those days could buy you an estate
18:02it could buy you a country house with servants and I mean it's staggering
18:07but she was an idiot she was just incredibly carefree I suppose you'd describe it
18:12she had portraits painted of her by Reynolds the great portraitist of his day and
18:16she apparently one in the middle doesn't really look no that no
18:20one in the middle looks like Ali's sugar these are these are these are
18:27I started with nothing
18:31I've taken I've taken my wealth and I've swallowed it
18:35I'll tell you what you're going to get down on your knees and you're going to wait for that note
18:38to come out
18:40is that why she didn't have the knickers on she was waiting for the
18:43she was just waiting for that
18:44and it was
18:45there it is there it is here it comes
18:48you can see the queen's face
18:51oh it's gone back in again
18:52it was a king in mid 1870
18:54yes so anyway
18:56Reynolds these are not examples of paintings of her
18:58but she got through so many lovers
19:00that he had to keep all the paintings he did of her
19:02because a man would say I'm in love with Kitty
19:04I wanted to do a painting of her and about half way through
19:06she was on to a new man
19:07she was an extraordinary woman
19:08so he made a flick book essentially
19:12yeah she was pretty extraordinary
19:13perhaps the first celeb but like some modern celebs
19:17she sometimes forgot to wear any pants
19:18name some features you really don't want in a submarine
19:21holes
19:24you do want holes for for torpedoes
19:26and for getting a
19:27I thought I was onto a winner there
19:29is it a patio doors
19:33there's certainly one you probably
19:34you could do without
19:35it's not you really really don't want
19:39there's a class of British Submarine
19:40I think we're seeing the interior of it there
19:42gas you don't want gases in there
19:44odours absolutely and there was in fact an occasion
19:46when gas I've got it bouncy castle
19:50that's
19:51bang bang
19:52that really is a trampoline
19:55well we have to stick to our letter
19:57and we're in the first world war
19:58er
20:00kennels
20:01there was a K class submarine in the first world war
20:07it was British
20:09and it was
20:10oh
20:10it was entirely soluble
20:14that's right
20:15they didn't realise they built it in a dry dock
20:18and they went this is going to be a winner
20:20woof
20:23oh no
20:24it's made out of baraka
20:28ages ago
20:31all the new water
20:32it's fizzing onto the horizon
20:36set the cost for the big orange thing
20:38fizzing into the system
20:41it was known as the calamity class
20:43because it was such a disaster
20:44almost everything about it was wrong
20:46it didn't sink
20:47it wouldn't go under the water
20:48it wouldn't come up again
20:50there were only 18 built
20:52six were sunk in accidents
20:54only one ever engaged in an enemy vessel
20:56hit it amidships with a torpedo
20:58but the torpedo didn't go off
21:00the key problem is that
21:02the sub had to be able to keep up with the convoy of surface vessels
21:04and it couldn't go fast enough
21:05really
21:06it needed a steam engine
21:07in order to go that fast
21:08so it was a steam engine submarine
21:11wow
21:11which meant it needed funnels
21:16yes
21:17really really really long funnels
21:19yeah
21:20well unfortunately when they found out
21:21when they tried to manoeuvre
21:23seawater poured down the funnels
21:24and put the boilers out
21:25no shit
21:26yeah
21:28you didn't really think that would have been
21:29could you
21:30could you hear it coming
21:31because instead of it going
21:32it would go
21:33it would go
21:34it sounds like a phone going off
21:39hello
21:39this type of phone won't be invented for several years
21:48that's just silly
21:49for the future
21:51k1 manoeuvred to avoid a sudden turn
21:53by the leader of the flotilla
21:55the hms blonde
21:56rather wonderfully named
21:57the k9 is a floating dog
21:58yeah
21:59yes
21:59she flooded her boilers
22:01and lost engine powered
22:04so
22:04sister sub k4 piled into her
22:06seawater poured in
22:08and the point you made
22:09it reacted with the batteries
22:10and produced clouds of chlorine gas
22:12oh my god
22:13oh
22:13and the crew
22:14which was 56 men
22:15wrote a letter of complaint
22:19they had to be transferred to the blonde
22:21which then sunk the k1
22:22with gunfire
22:23so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands
22:25because obviously the Germans would want to copy it
22:27I think they should
22:28giving it to the Germans
22:30I don't think they were just
22:30I don't think that was why they were sinking it
22:32they were just actually blow the shit out
22:34yeah they were just so annoyed with it
22:35it was also 339 feet long
22:38and could only dive to 200 feet in depth
22:41which meant
22:41it would have its tail poking up
22:44which is really stupid
22:45it's easier to just get inside a whale
22:47it basically would
22:50it basically would
22:52so
22:52moving on now
22:53we have some kits
22:55what would you use
22:56these kits for?
23:00window cleaning
23:00it's the first one
23:02well
23:02no they go together
23:03scratching your window
23:04and then cleaning
23:06this has a very specific ecological purpose
23:09rather bizarrely
23:10is there a wire wall brush affair?
23:12it's a scourer
23:13it's a pan scourer
23:14which you get from your average high street pan scourer shop
23:16did you?
23:18no one's ever held a scourer like that
23:20ah!
23:22come and do the dishes
23:23ah!
23:25that's a scouring superhero
23:27by the power of scour
23:30the man on the right doesn't really need the extended squeegee
23:33but
23:35a little more effort
23:36I think it could have gotten to the top
23:39I think it could have been extinct now
23:41oh!
23:44we're in a world of ecology
23:47right
23:47we're in a world of the second largest fish in the world in fact
23:51oh is it getting the barnacles off of a whale?
23:54is it right?
23:54fish
23:56well
23:58well
23:58well
23:59that's it
24:01quite a few
24:05all right
24:09what is it?
24:16two
24:17off of Wales is with sarcasm the second largest fish in the world is a big
24:25squid fish a jellyfish a fish
24:30right why for the last time in your dreams there it is it's rather wonderful
24:42mother whoa it's a beautiful animal and unfortunately it's hunted to the verge of extinction so we need
25:04to know a lot about them because they're so in danger and to take a core of their DNA is
25:08difficult
25:08you need to sort of it's like tagging them so what they've come up with is that one being examined
25:13now is that why it's got his mouth open say ah no what you do is you get a window
25:19cleaning rod
25:20you shove a pan scour on the end and you scrape off the slime from each particular one which has
25:26got
25:26its DNA you send it to the University of Aberdeen where it's marked and then you check its progress
25:30by marking other ones could you not just use the head of the hammerhead because it's the same shape
25:36except that it's a different species not the one you're trying to no but I'm saying it's like a
25:42squeegee it's the same shape
25:46you're trying to keep still and the octopus holds it like that forgive me for being so stupid
25:58I should have guessed what you meant yeah exactly it makes such a logical sense it comes up under the
26:05shark scrapes along its underside occasionally do they swallow slightly smaller like Russian dolls
26:14there's 19 in here it's a lovely thought yeah it's a couple Graham Hall and his wife Jackie
26:29Jackie the other man go to DRC and scrape the great asking shots with canis carers I said the DNA
26:39to
26:40Aberdeen and it's been jolly useful jolly jolly useful would anybody would anybody like to know how
26:47um you know that you're being followed by a day shark yeah how do you know you're being followed by
26:53a
26:53gay shark no no no no no no no no no no and here's another kid what's that it's luminous
27:12pins and
27:12reels of cotton what would they be used going in the dark you know when John
27:28Travolta was doing that and yes he had wool around that one
27:37the kit of a man called dr. Eric Dingwall dr. Eric Dingwall specialized in exposing something
27:47not his own big wall but the wall of his ding fake mediums in other words fakes people who pretend
27:57that dead people speak with Ouija boards or anything yeah there are people who pretend
28:01quite wrongly that dead people can speak which they can't they're dead they're dead but there
28:10are people a class of fraud and I'm saying this directly into camera you are a fraud fraudulence
28:25my grandad says shut your face
28:32talk to Eric Dingwall cunningly used stop it Dad stop it as we look like we're in the same
28:39Yes, you do.
28:41You always look like you're in this statement.
28:43Yes, you do. That's the oldest.
28:46Whoa!
28:49I'm getting a... I'm getting a basking shot.
28:52It's like you were touched inappropriately by a man called Graham.
28:59I knew someone whose husband passed away and went to see a medium
29:05and the medium said, your husband is fine, he's with your father.
29:11And she said, my father's still alive.
29:15And she said, something along the lines of, not for long.
29:21In an attempt to dig a way out of it, I did it massively worse.
29:25And you're still going to the 40 quid at the end.
29:29It is extraordinary.
29:30Anyway, no, Eric Dingwall specialised in exposing mediums
29:33and he would tie a thread to their legs
29:36so that he could feel what their bodies were doing in the dark.
29:39He would also attach luminous pins to them.
29:42So again, when it was dark, he could see where they were moving
29:44and what they were doing, what machinery they were operating,
29:47what tricks they were up to.
29:48Looking at that picture, it looks to me like there are probably too many hands.
29:52I haven't counted.
29:55You feel like there are too many, don't you?
29:57I think those hands are on the table, aren't they?
29:59They're part of the table.
30:01They're spiriting.
30:01It all spins round and then you just get a pair.
30:05None of those people in that room have got hands.
30:08I'm trying to contact the dead, but that girl looks dead.
30:13I think I might have got off of her about four years ago.
30:16I can see.
30:16I just got that got off look.
30:20Isn't that you in drag?
30:22I've seen you with that amount of goth makeup on.
30:25I have to say, no, that is definitely a very you look.
30:29So, what comes flat packed and takes four months to assemble?
30:36Ikea dining table.
30:38No.
30:42I'm afraid.
30:43Sorry.
30:44Sorry, Lainey.
30:45Is it going to be something enormous like a space shuttle or something like that?
30:47Well, it was jolly big and it was modular and it was genius.
30:51It was in the 1850s in Britain.
30:54It was war.
30:55What was it in France?
30:57We went at war with France amazingly in the 1850s.
30:59No, I meant France in a flat pack.
31:03Flat pack enemy.
31:04Exactly.
31:05You wrecked your own enemy in only four months.
31:08It wasn't that.
31:09With whom were we at war in the 1850s, mid 1850s?
31:12Well, down in the crimea?
31:14The crimea.
31:14It was the crimean war.
31:15And who was the most famous figure really?
31:17Apart from, I suppose, Raglan and Cardigan.
31:19Florence, as you rightly said, knighting as you pointed out, Gale.
31:23And there she is.
31:24Flat, flat, foreign.
31:25No, she was furious at the conditions.
31:28She thought they were dreadful and she demanded of the British Army that they produce a proper hospital.
31:33And so the finest engineer of his day, possibly the finest engineer who ever lived, designed in just six days
31:39a modular flat pack hospital.
31:41Not Brunel.
31:42Not Brunel.
31:43Isambard Kingdom, as you rightly said, Brunel, as you pointed out, El.
31:48When they set it up, they went, oh, it's a school.
31:51We've got the wrong one.
31:54It's ridiculous.
31:56It's a dance hall, you idiot.
31:58They set it up and there was a piece missing.
32:00They had to take a bed.
32:02We can actually see a picture of the...
32:06There they are.
32:07And what was brilliant is you could add to them.
32:09So it started off with one which fitted about 500 and ended up with 1,000 patients.
32:14What, in that?
32:15No, you added another module.
32:16That's the point.
32:17When he was 36, Brunel was doing a party trick for his children.
32:22And he nearly choked on a half-sovereign coin.
32:26But it stayed in his throat.
32:28For 40 years?
32:29No, for quite some time.
32:31And they had to do a tracheotomy.
32:33They had to cut his throat so he could breathe.
32:35And they tried pulling it out with forceps.
32:37Oh, God.
32:38And that didn't work.
32:39So he designed his own rack on which he would go upside down.
32:42And they then slapped him very hard on the back for a while.
32:44And eventually he came out.
32:47He should have just dropped his trousers and then pulled his arm down there.
32:53Did they need some money for a phone call or something?
32:55Well, he was just showing a trick where a coin disappeared and presumably put it in his mouth.
33:00It was a hell of a trick because when the coin went in, he didn't have his face on it.
33:06So, on the subject of flat packs, though, and Ikea, which you mentioned, Colin.
33:10Yes.
33:11Can you give me within five years when the flat pack was invented for the purposes of furniture?
33:15I will...
33:16Ikea flat pack?
33:16Yep.
33:171980.
33:19Oh, hopeless.
33:20No.
33:22It was 56.
33:23That was my second guess.
33:25Take the pen out of your lips.
33:28There was 956.
33:30There is Mr. Ikea, whatever his name is, the founder of the company.
33:33Ian Kevin Edward Aldershot.
33:37Who?
33:37Oh, there's an Ian Kevin Edward Aldershot by amazing coincidence in the audience.
33:42That's Ingvar Kamprad, the founder of the IK bit.
33:47Ingvar Kamprad.
33:48Who was Ian Aldershot then?
33:50That was Ian Aldershot.
33:52Don't look at me.
33:54But it was one of his employees, one of their first salesmen, Gillis Lundgren.
33:58He accidentally fell on a table.
34:00Oh, shit!
34:01No, he took the netbook and said, don't worry, it's a flat pack.
34:04I've done it on purpose.
34:06Well, almost.
34:07He took the legs off in order to transport it in a car and then had a sort of light
34:10bulb moment and thought,
34:10oh, that's rather good.
34:11We could sell it that way.
34:12Put all the bloody work in the hands of the people who buy it.
34:15I've got an Ikea table of chairs.
34:17It's lasted 21 years.
34:19Really?
34:20Yeah.
34:20Colour me impressed.
34:22That's very good.
34:23Where is the world's largest branch of Ikea?
34:27Wembley.
34:28No.
34:28Australia?
34:29Yes.
34:30Which city?
34:30You'll be annoyed.
34:31Sydney?
34:32Yes, Sydney.
34:33Sydney.
34:33As a Melbourneer, you'll be a great city.
34:35Yes.
34:35Lovely people.
34:40Charming.
34:41Absolutely.
34:42Yes.
34:42The world's largest, he said to me.
34:44I was actually, I went and did some gigs there in Sydney and I played the Opera House
34:48and I was in the Opera House doing some press and I looked out the window thinking, where's the Opera
34:53House?
34:55Actually scanning the horizon?
34:57Did you do this?
34:57Where's the Opera House gone?
34:59You're in it, you idiot.
35:01Yes, you should have gone, that is, you should have gone, oh.
35:05It's very refreshing that the biggest Ikea is in Sydney because whenever there's something big in Australia we say it's
35:11the biggest in the southern hemisphere.
35:13In fact, it probably isn't the biggest in the world. I suspect it is the biggest in the Southern Hemisphere.
35:17It's like you go to a hotel and they go, it's the biggest room pool in the Southern Hemisphere.
35:21The Ikea in Sydney is the biggest in Sydney.
35:24The best one ever is in, have you been to Narandra, where they've got the Southern Hemisphere's second largest playable
35:32guitar?
35:33No!
35:34They've got the world's biggest guitar, no it's not.
35:37Playable guitar.
35:38Southern Hemisphere's, they've what? The Southern Hemisphere's second largest guitar.
35:44You can see the sides being crossed down there.
35:49So, moving on, now it's time for a bit of general ignorance, so fingers on buzzers please.
35:53What was a Roman soldier's salary?
35:56Wine, prostitutes.
35:57The outfit, just the outfit.
35:59Audience?
35:5940 quid a week.
36:01Salt! Oh dear!
36:03Audience! Minus point!
36:06Ha ha ha ha!
36:09Ha ha ha ha!
36:10Oh we...
36:10Ha ha ha ha ha!
36:11There's a joy in trapping the audience there.
36:14Yes, it's true that the word derives from the Latin for salt, but it is never true that they were
36:19paid in salt.
36:20The money would go towards the buying of salt, but also towards the buying of their uniform, the buying of
36:25almost everything else.
36:25Because, a bit like British officers, they'd have to buy everything themselves out of their salary, but they were never
36:32paid in salt.
36:33We're getting paid in salt though, aren't we?
36:36You're getting paid in salt?
36:37Oh yes.
36:37Oh yes.
36:38Kitty litter.
36:39Kitty litter.
36:40Yeah, the Romans in fact planted vineyards, as you may know, in parts of Britain, so here's a question.
36:46Where does British wine come from?
36:49Somerset.
36:50Somerset?
36:50No.
36:51Kent.
36:52No.
36:52Kendall.
36:53Kendall, no.
36:54Which country does it come from?
36:56France.
36:57Might do.
36:59The point is, British wine is made from grape concentrate, which comes from abroad, whereas
37:04English wine is proper English wine from English vineyards, and so, English wine gets a very
37:09bad reputation, because people have tried British wine and think it's the same, and it
37:13isn't.
37:14Just to pick it up for English wine.
37:15That's not uncommon though, for when the French have a lot of wine, they would ship tankers
37:19of it down to Australia, for example, and they'd use it.
37:22Because people stopped buying French wine because they didn't understand it.
37:24That's the problem, because it didn't have the varietal labelling.
37:28Of course, here we just have dry or sweet.
37:30Yeah.
37:32Which is an improvement on your old definition, which was just red or white.
37:37Red or white.
37:37Yes, right.
37:38Or pink.
37:38Or warm or hot.
37:39Or warm or hot.
37:41We've covered good or shit.
37:42We've made giant strikes.
37:44In a box or in a bottle.
37:45Yeah.
37:46In a bottle, fancy.
37:48Flat.
37:49He's flat.
37:50Oh, look, he's a bit up himself.
37:51Oh!
37:52Well, it's, yeah.
37:53The point is, British wine, unfortunately, has besmirched the good name of English wine.
37:57It's a very good sparkling wine that won a big prize.
38:00It did.
38:00It beat all the French ones.
38:01They didn't like it.
38:02No.
38:02There are over 400 vineyards in Britain now, and maybe global warming will see an increase
38:07in that.
38:07But certainly in Roman days, in the medieval warm period, as it's called, wine was commonly
38:11made there.
38:12Yeah.
38:12So, anyway, English wine comes from England.
38:15The British wine can come from anywhere.
38:16And now, this is where it gets scary.
38:20I'm going to try and impress you with my martial arts skills.
38:24Really?
38:25Karate!
38:26Let's break stuff with our bare hands, and we're going to begin with you.
38:30You should have a piece of paper and a ruler.
38:32Yes.
38:33And what I want you to do is put the ruler on the table, two-thirds of the way, something
38:39like that, and put the paper on top of it.
38:42Hmm.
38:42Like so.
38:43Not wholly over it.
38:44Leave the bit out.
38:46That's it.
38:47Yeah, Colin's got it right.
38:48Thank you, Colin.
38:49Okay.
38:50All right.
38:50Now, without putting your hand over the paper, simply karate chop and break the piece
38:57of wood, because the air pressure over the paper will act as a show.
39:02You think that can't be possible.
39:03So, Colin, you try.
39:04Really?
39:05Yep.
39:06Oh!
39:08Isn't that surprising?
39:16Who would have...
39:20Who would have...
39:22And I didn't believe you, so I nearly put my shoulder into it.
39:25You have to have a nice bit of follow-through.
39:27Yeah.
39:27Alan, you have a go.
39:29Yeah.
39:30Well, it is in half, you can see, but it slipped out completely.
39:33Go on, Ross.
39:35Is it in half?
39:36Yay!
39:39Uh-oh.
39:40All right, now.
39:42Yeah!
39:46It's very surprising.
39:49Feels good, though, doesn't it?
39:50It feels good.
39:50You're like Bruce Lee for about four seconds.
39:52Now, I...
39:53What I'm going to do is I've got three bricks here.
39:56Ah...
39:57And it is the...
40:00It's like the first ever game of Jenga.
40:03It is.
40:06Wow.
40:07Okay.
40:08Yep.
40:09It's Kendall mink cake.
40:10Kendall mink cake.
40:12Okay.
40:13Oh, God.
40:15I have to focus my energy.
40:17I know it's...
40:18All right, it sounds...
40:19But I have to focus...
40:21I have to go through...
40:23I have to...
40:23Oh, God.
40:24I'm so nervous now.
40:27Oh!
40:27Oh!
40:29Oh!
40:30Oh!
40:33Ah!
40:35Ah, did you get more?
40:38Last time I got more.
40:41Okay.
40:42But, even more...
40:43Oh, I've got another one.
40:45Another one here, and this time, in theory...
40:48How are you going to do it with your penis?
40:51In theory here, Al...
40:57So, choose top, middle or bottom?
41:00Middle.
41:01Oh, no.
41:03Okay.
41:03I'll try and break just the middle, then.
41:05I'll bet you Chuck Norris is crapping himself.
41:08I'm going to try and break just the middle one.
41:10Again, this takes extreme focus and extreme pain.
41:15Go through.
41:18I just don't want to do this.
41:20I don't want to do it again.
41:22Oh!
41:23Oh!
41:24Oh!
41:26Oh!
41:29Oh!
41:29That was a good one.
41:31Oh!
41:32Thank you very much indeed.
41:36Oh!
41:38Oh!
41:39I can't believe I put my hood on in case there were shards.
41:43What shards of his splintering wrist come to...
41:48Kendall Minkay.
41:49The truth is, there's no mystique to karate chopping bricks.
41:52Just good old physics, and in our case, to be honest, trick bricks.
41:56So, don't try and do it at home.
41:58I'm still very strong and hench and butch, though.
42:02But anyway, it must be time for the scores.
42:05And it is fantastic.
42:08In first place...
42:10Wow!
42:11With a plus four...
42:13Is Ross Noble!
42:14Yeah!
42:20...the Nobel Prize!
42:23In second place, with a plus one, Noel Fielding!
42:35In third place with minus six, Alan Davis
42:44And certainly worth the airfare
42:47In fourth place with minus nine, it's Colin Lane
42:56But in last place with minus ten, the audience
43:09And it only remains for me to thank Noel, Ross, Colin and Alan
43:13Whatever you do, keep your kit on
43:15Good night
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