- 6 hours ago
Taskmaster Season 5 Episode 2
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Short filmTranscript
00:08Hello and welcome to Taskmaster. The game is simple, five comedians do some shit at my behest in front of
00:15a virginal man with a whistle.
00:18One of them will get a trophy of my head and one of them will be executed in the car
00:22park.
00:23That won't be part of the show, I just assume from looking at Brett Blake that he's going to get
00:27murdered at some point.
00:28Mucking in tonight we have Anissa Nandala, Brett the victim Blake, Celia Pakwala, Joel Creasy and Perth's very own Roe
00:44McManus.
00:47Now beside me it's the man who was turned down for Channel 10's buddy program.
00:52He's too old to be a little buddy and he obviously can't be a big one.
00:57It's Tom Cashman.
01:03Alright Lester Tom, hit me with a prize task.
01:06Our first task of course is a prize task. Each of our contestants have brought in a prize and the
01:09winner of tonight's episode will take home all five prizes.
01:12Tonight our contestants have been asked to bring in what they consider to be the best thing that can be
01:17safely concealed in your mouth at the start of an episode record.
01:25Okay, Brett what have you brought for us?
01:32It's um, famous football player Warwick Capper's golden undies, unwashed.
01:44That's pretty good.
01:45How did you get them?
01:46On Ebay, surprisingly his career has gone really bad and he's selling everything.
01:50Oh, so they're his actual undies.
01:51They're his actual undies, yeah, $27.
01:54Bad.
01:58We haven't thought this through at all. Joel's desperate to talk.
02:02I thought Joel would have been used to speaking with a mouthful.
02:06He thinks they're Kylie Minogue's undies.
02:09They're not.
02:11Okay. Ro, what have you brought in?
02:15I just went with air.
02:17Oh.
02:20The task is the best thing.
02:23The life-giving oxygen that is all around us is very important.
02:27Warwick Capper's groin is also life-giving.
02:35So Celia, what have you hidden?
02:38Oh God.
02:39Oh.
02:40Oh, that was grosser than I was expecting.
02:44It says a necklace that a stranger, a fan made for me.
02:47Yep.
02:47That says, somebody at Channel 7 has f***ed me.
02:51Wow.
02:55So just to be clear, this is something that you said at the Logies.
02:58Yes.
02:58I was presenting an award, it was on Channel 7, and the autocue was incorrect, so I said the wrong
03:03award.
03:03And instead of being professional and smoothing that over, I said on live television, someone at Channel 7 has f***ed
03:10me before they were able to cut away from me.
03:14And it apparently resonated with a lot of people, because it turns out someone at Channel 7 has f***ed a
03:19lot of people.
03:21Can I say, it's wonderful to be here at Channel 10.
03:24Anissa, what are you concealing?
03:28Oh.
03:30Don't judge me!
03:33I have a poem, which is very difficult to read.
03:37This is a poem for you.
03:38Oh, for me?
03:39Yeah, the best thing I can do is a poem there.
03:41Oh, God.
03:51Dear Taskmaster,
03:54Your personality is a chandelier filling the room with lights.
03:58Your jokes are an assorted box of chocolate, each filled with delights.
04:03You are my favourite of the whites.
04:07Wow.
04:13Did you like it?
04:14Yeah, I feel really flattered, but I feel like there are a few traps in there for me.
04:19It's hard to be white and proud, if you know what I mean.
04:23Joel, you've been waiting to show us what's in your mouth.
04:25Mm-hm.
04:26What have you got in your mouth, Joel?
04:28Mm-hm.
04:29Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Joel.
04:32Oh, Celia.
04:33There was too much.
04:34Oh, oh, Celia.
04:37You know what you did.
04:38Celia.
04:43I've had fake blood in there the whole time.
04:46Oh, my God.
04:47Disgusting.
04:47I thought you had bad acting in there.
04:54I did a year on Neighbours, thank you very much.
04:57So while you were doing all that mime before, you had that ready to go?
05:01Yeah.
05:02Okay.
05:03I was very ging.
05:06All right, well, we need some scores here, don't we?
05:08Yes.
05:08I'm going to have to give one point to Brett, because it was not safely concealed,
05:11much like Warwick Catter's cock while he was wearing that.
05:16I'm going to give Celia two.
05:17I knew it.
05:18I should have thought this through.
05:18You bloody love the Logies.
05:20Yeah.
05:20You love her?
05:21It's because I think it is an institution that is beyond critique.
05:26All right.
05:27Like, I'd prefer to make fun of the church, you know?
05:29Well, guess what?
05:30Someone at the church sh**t me as well.
05:38I'm going to give three points to Joel, because I love the entertainment.
05:41I'm not sure it was the best thing.
05:43What?
05:45Air's better than that, so four points to Ro.
05:47So, Anissa read out a very beautiful poem, which I...
05:50Yes, Massa!
05:53It was a very beautiful poem.
05:55It was easily the best thing, and it made me into a proud white man.
06:01All right, enough of this half-assed live crap.
06:04Let's watch something people have put a bit more effort into, shall we?
06:07Sure.
06:07A big F you to any fans of individualism.
06:09It's our first team task of the season.
06:24Hey, Tom.
06:25Hey, Anissa.
06:25It's my birthday.
06:27We're really celebrating, if you're so...
06:35Is that for me?
06:36Not yet.
06:37Do I have to say please?
06:39I'm pretty sure that was you, Tom.
06:40I'm not sure about that.
06:41Hello?
06:52My friend.
06:53May we hug?
06:54I would love a hug.
06:55Are you wonderful?
06:57Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh.
06:58Oh my gosh.
07:01Shit.
07:03Oh my gosh.
07:04Hello?
07:05We're not supposed to pop them.
07:06Let's just leave this loser and go have some fun with balloons.
07:08Let's have a good time.
07:09My friends?
07:10I've got friends.
07:11Yes.
07:12I'm not very good at this show.
07:13Oh my gosh, man.
07:14I'm so bad at this show.
07:16All good.
07:17What?
07:19Okay, do you want to read it?
07:21No, I don't.
07:21I feel like, yay.
07:23Pop the golden balloon.
07:25If you do a forbidden thing, you must don a piece of protective clothing from your mannequin.
07:31What does don mean?
07:32Like you're the boss of all the mafia.
07:35So we will have to go and commit crimes, chop off a horse's head, put it in a...
07:39Are you kidding?
07:40Like cement shoes, throw someone in a river.
07:43If you do a forbidden thing again, you must do a spin with your hands by your side for
07:47every time you've done that forbidden thing.
07:50Fewest red balloons pops wins.
07:52Your time starts now.
07:54But we don't need to panic.
07:55Let's just, I guess, start to look for a golden balloon.
07:58And if we...
08:01You've done a forbidden thing.
08:02Please don an item.
08:08Start off the top there, I noticed that everyone was wearing earbuds except for Brit Blake.
08:12What were you thinking?
08:13You were just going to tough it out?
08:14What?
08:17I'm actually down in one ear.
08:18So I was like, whatever, who cares if they both go down?
08:22Now, Roe, it was good to see you trying to help out the next generation of comedians
08:25by explaining what Don was, by talking about The Godfather, a film from the early 70s.
08:31So, Anissa, have you seen The Godfather?
08:34Oh, no.
08:35No.
08:36So you didn't know what he was talking about?
08:37I had no idea, but I'm trying to make friends, so I was like, okay, that's nice.
08:40But also, it's not...
08:43All right, well, I think we need some team names.
08:45Oh, okay.
08:45I'm feeling inspired by commercial radio, because I thought Roe, you and Anissa could
08:49be called The Breakfast Show, because often, like, in commercial radio, they get someone
08:51very high profile and an unknown.
08:53So I feel like the other three, when they do a drive show, they get three people who
08:57would clearly never hang out together.
08:59So you're The Drive Shovel.
09:02The Breakfast Show and The Drive Show.
09:04All right, Tom, let's get spiky.
09:07Call it a pop duo, because we've got both teams at once.
09:09Okay, what is a forbidden thing?
09:11Don't know, but we need a golden balloon to pop.
09:14Pop, pop.
09:15Brett has done a forbidden thing.
09:16Woo!
09:17Please don an item on your mannequin.
09:18Okay, don't let any balloons out.
09:20You have to sneak out.
09:22Celia has done a forbidden thing.
09:23Please don an item on your mannequin.
09:26Joel has done a forbidden thing.
09:28Please don an item on your mannequin.
09:32Anissa has done a forbidden thing.
09:33Oh, you're a dickhead.
09:35There's spikes on this.
09:37Ah!
09:38What happened?
09:39The sheriff.
09:40No!
09:41Bad tong!
09:42I think Helmut was a smart choice.
09:44Celia has done a forbidden thing.
09:46Wait, we don't get in trouble if we...
09:50Oh, I think he can't point.
09:52I can do the middle.
09:54And I'll look in this corner.
09:56Why are you thrusting?
09:57I look so smart.
09:58Oh, jeez.
10:00Pop the golden balloon.
10:02Anissa has done a forbidden thing.
10:04I think the B word is a forbidden thing.
10:08This reminds me, I've got to get my hemorrhoids checked.
10:11I feel like it's going to be something very annoying and it's...
10:13Brad has done a forbidden thing.
10:16Please don an additional item from your mannequin.
10:17Do not bend over.
10:19Oh!
10:20How will you know if we popped it?
10:22Sorry.
10:22Mm-mm-mm-mm.
10:24Mm-mm-mm-mm.
10:26Mm-mm-mm.
10:27Brad has done a forbidden thing.
10:29Please don two additional items from your mannequin.
10:31I'm running out of items.
10:33Oh.
10:34I found something.
10:36If you look down here, I have uncovered an arrow pointing towards Tom.
10:41Oh, you turn.
10:43It's a really small thing.
10:44Yeah, it's a...
10:44Brad, what are you doing?
10:45Stop it!
10:47I did the thing.
10:48I didn't want to talk about it.
10:49I got it.
10:50You did it?
10:51Yeah.
10:52I knew you were hiding it, you cheeky.
10:53Brad has not done the thing.
10:55There it is.
10:57Hiding in the corner.
10:58Enjoy this moment.
11:01No.
11:02If they set this up, they have to sit through it.
11:04Almost done.
11:04Here we go.
11:06Woo!
11:09Pooh!
11:10Hey-oh, my-oh.
11:12Thanks, Scott.
11:13I did it!
11:13I did it like ten minutes ago, you idiots.
11:17Oh, my God!
11:18On and on, miss Victor!
11:20Come on!
11:30So, just starting with the drive show, there were forbidden things.
11:33Did all of you feel like you were keeping track of the forbidden things?
11:36Celia was onto it quite quick with the balloons.
11:38I'm the girl one.
11:42Well...
11:42In the drive show world, I'm the girl one.
11:44Yeah, but I...
11:44I'm the diversity hire.
11:46And I'm the fat idiot that does a secret sound.
11:51So, just remind me, what were the forbidden things?
11:53So, our contestants couldn't say the word balloon.
11:55You couldn't point.
11:56They couldn't duck below the balloons.
11:58The final one is that they weren't allowed to touch me,
12:00which no-one showed any interest in doing.
12:05So, what are the scores?
12:06How do we score this?
12:07Well, so, it's fewest pops wins.
12:09Yep.
12:09Our team of two had 32 pops.
12:11Our team of three also 32.
12:13It's a tie.
12:15I think they both seemed relatively average.
12:17So, I'm going to give them all three.
12:19Okay.
12:19Three, two, three, three, three.
12:20Yep.
12:23What are the scores in the episode so far?
12:25Well, Brett is in last place with four points.
12:28But Anise is out in front with eight points.
12:32Well, that's it for part one.
12:34Time for a break so I can poke Tom Cashman with thumbtacks and see if he pops.
12:38We'll be back after this.
12:50Welcome back to Taskmaster where we're going to find out which Australian comedian is the most...
12:55I don't know, it doesn't really matter.
12:57Listen, Tom, you've got a task for us?
13:00That I do, Maurice.
13:17A little up-skirt camera.
13:19Nice.
13:21Can I enter?
13:22Sure thing.
13:23Oh, why have you got swagger?
13:26Working harder, hardly working.
13:29Dude.
13:30Oh, I'm going to have an asthma attack in here.
13:32What?
13:33Why are you dabbing at me?
13:36Yeah, he's here.
13:37Yeah, he's a bit, isn't he?
13:39No, your word's not mine, mate.
13:41Did it hurt?
13:42When I fell from heaven?
13:43No.
13:44Yeah.
13:45Keeping it real?
13:46Very nice.
13:50Be cringe.
13:51Oh, you've been cringe before.
13:53Most cringe wins.
13:55You have 25 minutes.
13:56Your time starts now.
13:58What makes me go, ugh?
14:01The Borat stuff is one thing.
14:03Austin Powers stuff?
14:05All of that sort of...
14:06Do I make you haunt...
14:10I think you made that knob horny.
14:11I made that knob horny, baby, yeah!
14:14Public displays of affection.
14:16Oh.
14:16Taking a photo of themselves making out.
14:19I'm going to have to do that, aren't I?
14:20When a man hits on someone that is clearly not interested, but they just won't stop, that
14:24is cringe.
14:25For the sake of this, I need you to be the woman.
14:26I'm a 50-year-old man.
14:28I should dance.
14:29Do you have any children nearby?
14:34I know what the most cringe in the world was saying was.
14:36So I'm going to borrow you, and then I'm going to come back, and it's all going to make sense.
14:40We don't have long, so I need you to hurry up and send out some invites.
14:44Get cracking.
14:45Coming back here.
14:46You can relax.
14:47There's no cars involved.
14:49We can have our panic attacks later.
14:51Oh!
14:56Melissa, Tom, I don't want to see you with swagger ever again.
15:00It did occur to me that I was trying to be cringe in all those different ways, but the
15:03one that I did for Brett, I just seemed like a normal, confident man.
15:07All right.
15:08Brett, what did you mean by upskirt camera?
15:10What's that about?
15:12I haven't heard of them.
15:13Oh.
15:14Are you more of a shoe mirror guy?
15:18Don't know what that is either.
15:20Don't.
15:20I really don't.
15:22Now, Rove, I'm also a 50-year-old man, and I can confirm that Austin Powers is cringe.
15:28Rove did such a strong Austin Powers impression, he broke the caravan.
15:33It came out way too easily.
15:35Way too easily.
15:36Okay, Melissa, Tom, who do we have first?
15:37First up, in their attempt to be very nice at the task, I refuse to do the voice again,
15:42it's Anissa and Rove.
15:47Woo!
15:48Let's get this party started.
15:49Hey, everybody.
15:50Sorry, I didn't bring any drinks for the bath, but I just took one anyway.
15:54All right.
15:54We having a good time?
15:56Damn.
15:59Damn!
16:01Oh.
16:02My name's Tom.
16:04No.
16:04I'm Anissa.
16:06Oh.
16:07Delicious.
16:07Smells like cocoa butter.
16:09This party be skippity.
16:11Yeah?
16:11You know what I'm saying.
16:12Turn the, DJ, turn the music on.
16:14Hi, everyone.
16:15I'm Jessica's uncle, Glenn.
16:16I'm just here uninvited, but I thought, surprise.
16:20What's a girl like you doing here by yourself?
16:22I'm not by myself.
16:23I'm with friends, actually.
16:24Can I be your friend?
16:25Let's get some skippity toilet action.
16:29Yeah, baby.
16:30Rare.
16:31That's what my wife would really like.
16:34I'm scared to be vulnerable.
16:36For someone like you, it feels easy to let my guard down as a man.
16:39We've been talking for about 2.5 minutes.
16:41That's what I mean.
16:41It's easy.
16:43Can I get your number?
16:44Will it mean that you leave me alone?
16:48No, I don't want the number then.
16:49Okay.
16:50Come on!
16:51Let's get the party started.
16:52Come on!
16:52Let's get some, get some riz going here.
16:54Woo!
16:58I'm running, but I'm not going anywhere.
17:03Who wants to pick up my legs?
17:04Pick up my legs.
17:05Pick up my legs.
17:05Oh, my wheelbarrow!
17:07What?
17:07I'm not leaving here without one dance.
17:11Oh, that's great.
17:12Put me down there.
17:13Oh.
17:13Oh, sorry.
17:14Just, I hurt my back.
17:15Bop, bop.
17:16Will you marry me?
17:17Marry you?
17:18I'll take care of you.
17:20I'll leave you to it.
17:21I'll leave you to it.
17:21I'm going to go throw up in the garden.
17:23Happy 21st, Jessica!
17:24I'll leave you to it.
17:25Yeah!
17:25Bop!
17:27Oh.
17:28It's not very riz.
17:32That was good.
17:33That was very cringe.
17:34Okay, so, so, Anissa, for you, being cringe was a, a, a creepy guy?
17:39Yeah, just a guy who can't take no for an insight.
17:42He just keeps going.
17:43So, is this based on personal experience?
17:45Have you had to deal with this?
17:46Yeah, I've had to deal with this.
17:48But I also think I've also been that person.
17:52That actually kind of looks a bit cool, Wawa.
17:53It looks a bit cool.
17:54I'll try that.
17:55It's like dodging all the no vibes.
17:57Yeah.
18:01Okay, now, Ro, I feel like this was really playing into your strengths.
18:07I mean, it was amazing to watch.
18:11I feel like you are the cringe champ.
18:13I've got to play to my strengths.
18:14As soon as I opened up, I just went, I got this.
18:16I took my time.
18:17Oh, it was fantastic.
18:18You were just constant entertainment.
18:20That's why I got three gold Logies.
18:26All right, it's time for an ad break.
18:28When we return, we'll have some more comedians being as cringe as possible,
18:32and also the rest of the task.
18:34See you then.
18:45Welcome back to Taskmaster, where our contestants are battling it out in a fight to the reputational
18:50death.
18:51Um, actually, your reputation can't die, okay?
18:55Reputation lives on after death.
18:58That's the kind of thing they're trying to do.
19:01Up next, it's Joel and Celia.
19:03I'm going to do an art attack.
19:05This is an art attack.
19:06This is an art attack.
19:07This is.
19:08An art attack?
19:09Yeah.
19:10All right, just art attack.
19:11What's the most ick things people call each other?
19:13Partner in crime?
19:14Honey pumpkin.
19:15My forever boo.
19:16Art attack.
19:17It was that show back in, like, the early noughties, late nineties, and you would do, like,
19:21big writings on the ground.
19:24Hang on.
19:25Hang on, I'm going to change it round.
19:28How the f*** do people do this?
19:29How do they do it?
19:34How good's that?
19:36Did I get it?
19:37Oh, I hate this.
19:38I hate this so much.
19:41Some people might say the bongos are a bit cringe.
19:44You've got one minute and 49 seconds.
19:45Oh, shit, do I?
19:46Shit, shit, shit.
19:47Come on, get it out.
19:49Oh, it's good hay.
19:50Plot.
19:50Whoa, imagine that from up top.
19:52This is an art attack.
19:54This is an art attack.
19:55This is art attack.
19:58Ta-da.
19:59Look, I'm being cringe.
20:01Tom, can you be part of the A?
20:02Okay.
20:02Oh, oh.
20:03Oh, that's the ugliest thing I've ever seen.
20:07I hate it.
20:08Oh, I'm cringing.
20:09Now tell me some of your stand-up.
20:11Diarrhea, very difficult to spell.
20:13Diarrhea, very difficult to spell.
20:15Very easy to push out of your arsehole.
20:17Very easy to push out of your arsehole.
20:21Gross.
20:23Okay, so it has to be, uh-oh, out with my forever partner in crime.
20:30Hashtag so in love.
20:31Hashtag blessed.
20:32Hashtag candid.
20:33Hashtag so in love.
20:35Blessed.
20:35A lot of blessed.
20:36Okay.
20:36Blessed, blessed, blessed.
20:37Heart, heart, hearts.
20:38I hated that thoroughly.
20:39But I love love.
20:41Just keep it to yourself.
20:42I'm quinging.
20:45And what do we say?
20:46This is an art attack.
20:47This is an art attack.
20:48This is an art attack.
20:51No, it's just art attack.
20:52Oh, okay.
20:53Thanks, Joel.
20:53See ya.
20:54Have fun cleaning up.
21:02So, Celia, what were you going for there?
21:04I hate public displays of affection, particularly when people post them online, particularly,
21:09this was a specific thing I remember, is people who post photos of, like a selfie of
21:13them making out.
21:14A friend of mine once posted a picture of himself on the beach and his Speedos, and
21:18he said, missing grandma, hashtag one year today.
21:23PDA is pretty cringeworthy, but like having PDA with a pretend boyfriend, is that how you
21:27were trying to elevate it?
21:28My choice was mannequin or Tom, so.
21:31Mannequin.
21:31Heel.
21:31Heel.
21:32Mannequin.
21:32I was right there.
21:34Yeah.
21:35Could have been more cringe.
21:37Everyone at home would have been imagining his prickly little face on their lips.
21:41Imagine explaining to my boyfriend and father of my child that it's not cheating because
21:46it was cringe.
21:50That's the thinking.
21:52Now, Joel, I put it to you that you just wanted to do an art attack.
21:55I really...
21:56I'm not sure it had much to do with cringe.
21:58Well, people tell me I'm cringe all the time, no matter what I do, so there were so many
22:02options, I figured, why not do an art attack and use some of Tom's material?
22:10And what's cringier than leaving it for the crew to clean up after?
22:13I actually felt terrible, but...
22:15So, you just left all the mess there because you thought that would be cringe to have other
22:18people clean up after you.
22:19And with all the other tasks, you helped the crew tidy up.
22:24Um, yeah.
22:27Yeah, well, that was...
22:29You know, it was good.
22:30It was good.
22:31Be cringe.
22:32I wrote it out, didn't I?
22:33I know, but you missed an opportunity there.
22:34Because the whole point was to be cringe, and you even spelt out be and cringe, and
22:41you put yourself in the word be.
22:44You could have literally been cringe, but instead you be'd be.
22:52I'll pay you that one.
22:53Yeah.
22:55Very good point.
22:57All right, let's...
22:58I'm glad you gave yourself a one.
23:00Oh, come on.
23:01All the crew had to clean up.
23:03Do it for the crew.
23:06I don't give a f*** about the crew.
23:10All right, Cashman.
23:11Put me out of my misery.
23:13The cringiest thing to him is a normal haircut.
23:15It's Brett Blake.
23:19Yeah.
23:20Ready for another one.
23:22Better to bloody go.
23:23Do another task.
23:24Yeah.
23:25Is that what I sound like?
23:27I do whatever the f*** I want.
23:28I want to just spit it out.
23:31Yo, it's Tom.
23:34Come on in.
23:35The world's most sexiest man.
23:37God, have you been working out?
23:39I think that's what he said.
23:39I don't like this on you.
23:40Why do I sound like I've had helium?
23:42I do not sound like that.
23:44You're up here.
23:45Look, you're pissing me off as me.
23:46And I don't like being angry at myself
23:48because I like to be positive.
23:49I bloody do what I want.
23:50I bloody do what I want.
23:51Yeah, I like this.
23:52Let's go have some fun as Brett.
23:54Come on, dude.
23:55You're going to love this.
23:56I'm not because...
23:57Oh, I'm a boring nerd.
23:59Stick to time.
24:01Kick that over the roof.
24:02That's cool.
24:04Oh, that was a good one.
24:05I didn't give a hoot what effect that has on anyone else.
24:07Kick that one over the roof.
24:08Go on.
24:09That seems like I shouldn't.
24:12Just shut up and kick the ball.
24:14Did you make it?
24:15Yeah, it went high.
24:16Do this one.
24:18Joke is, it's really hard.
24:19Oh!
24:21That hurt your foot?
24:22Yeah, got ya.
24:23That was sick.
24:24Congratulations.
24:25Congratulations to you, mate.
24:26You have just won Taskmaster.
24:28Yeah.
24:29Now back to your room, you scallywag.
24:31Oh, good on you, mate.
24:33Good on you, mate.
24:37Give that guy a promotion.
24:40Hell yeah.
24:52Well, we're only two episodes in and I can feel a genuine resentment between you two.
24:57Oh, it gets worse.
24:58Um, so to be cringe was to be Lesser Tom.
25:01Lesser Tom was being the most cringe I've ever seen when he was pretending to be cringe.
25:06So then I thought I would become him, because that's the most cringe thing.
25:10But then he became me and that pissed me off.
25:12And then I got excited to meet myself and then we just kicked some shit over a house.
25:16It was awesome.
25:17And then I forgot what the task was.
25:18But we had an awesome time, didn't we, dude?
25:20It was sick.
25:21So I think, if anything, that's worth at least three points.
25:25All right.
25:26Well, I should hand out some scores here.
25:27Yep.
25:28I mean, it just felt like such a missed opportunity.
25:30Joel could have literally been cringe, but he was B.
25:33So one point to Joel.
25:34Oh!
25:35Two points to Brett Blake, because it was really entertaining and not very cringey at all.
25:38It was just a good old afternoon of fun, of Brett on Brett action.
25:43Three points to Anissa.
25:45I felt quite creeped out by your advances.
25:48Four points for Celia.
25:50Oh, my God.
25:50Because that was a very cringe photo.
25:52But I feel like, you know, I've seen your Instagram.
25:53It just blended in.
25:56Olympic level of cringe.
25:57Broke it, man.
25:58Skibbity.
25:59Skibbity.
26:01Bloody dard.
26:02It's five points.
26:04All right.
26:04If all that made you want to crawl off into a little hole and die,
26:08now would be the perfect opportunity.
26:10We'll see you after this.
26:22Welcome back to Taskmaster, where five comedians are jockeying for Brett Blake's jocks.
26:27Lesser Tom, I believe it might be time to crack open a freshie.
26:30A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
26:33That was said by philosopher Lao Tzu.
26:351,400 years before the pogo stick was invented.
26:37How wrong he was.
26:381,400 years before the pogo stick was invented.
26:58Hi, Brett.
26:58Good one.
26:58Hello.
27:00Hi, Celia.
27:02I'm glad you're my real dad.
27:04Me too.
27:05What's happening?
27:06You'll see.
27:07Do you want a banana?
27:08No, thank you.
27:09Oh, Illuminati circle.
27:12May I?
27:13Yes, please.
27:15Is that a beguet?
27:16What?
27:17A beguet.
27:18Is that what they call them, the French?
27:20Beguet?
27:20Or am I mixing bidet and bread?
27:22I think that's exactly what you're doing.
27:29Choose up to two items, then travel the furthest on them.
27:33My beguet.
27:35That's not what it's called.
27:36Your journey must begin on the mat.
27:39And once any part of you touches ground, it's over.
27:44Once you touch an item, you must use it.
27:46Furthest journey wins.
27:47You have 15 minutes.
27:49Your time starts now.
27:52Right.
27:57So, Anissa, just to be clear, it's not beguet, it's beguet.
28:00Yeah.
28:01And it wasn't one, it's sourdough.
28:04I'm the beguet.
28:07I said beguet like 30 times and you just looked at me and didn't correct me once.
28:12I corrected you so many times.
28:15So, just to be clear, they've got two exercise balls, a bucket, a rubber duck, a roller skate, a pogo
28:19stick, a unicycle, and, of course, a beguet.
28:23But, also, Joel had all of those things, but he couldn't see the two exercise balls.
28:32All right, who's, uh, first up, Lyssa Tom?
28:34Which one will go farther?
28:35Well, maybe neither of them will call their father.
28:37It's Joel and Celia.
28:38Ah!
28:39Okay, I'm going to hurt myself.
28:41Why?
28:42Because it's who I am.
28:43Oh.
28:43Have you met me?
28:44What am I going to do with a bread roll?
28:46Have a snack?
28:47But maybe that won't work.
28:49Ah!
28:49You've touched the ball.
28:49That touched me!
28:50You must use the ball.
28:52That was God's fault.
28:53What's that called?
28:54A wheelie shoe?
28:55What are they called again?
28:56Ice skate...
28:56No, skate shoes.
28:58Ice skates?
28:58No, I know.
29:00They're called rollerblades.
29:01I'm going to roller skate, Tom.
29:02Okay.
29:03Oh, it's not my size.
29:04Oh, no.
29:05Oh, no, it's so small.
29:06Oh, no, it doesn't fit.
29:08Why did I pick this?
29:09Your foot fits perfectly.
29:10Right?
29:10How convenient.
29:12I think I'm going to go the pogo stick.
29:14My eyes are up here.
29:15Okay.
29:16Oh, my God.
29:17This could be a terrible idea.
29:18Hold on.
29:19Oh, yeah, no, this is okay.
29:22Look how far I've got, Tom.
29:24What could go wrong?
29:25Whoa, whoa, whoa.
29:29Just a quick break.
29:30Having a rest?
29:31Yeah.
29:31I've got heaps of time.
29:32Don't rush me.
29:33How long have I got?
29:34Eight minutes and 51 seconds.
29:35Oh, I was hoping you'd say, like, two minutes.
29:37Does this look as graceful as it feels?
29:39How graceful does it feel?
29:40Just checking in.
29:41Not very.
29:42This is a real career highlight for me.
29:44Maybe I can head back towards the house.
29:45Okay.
29:46I think maybe I should go back to...
29:48Ah!
29:49Ah!
29:52You touched the ground.
29:52That wasn't my fault.
29:56Oh, thank God.
29:59How do you feel?
30:00Wrecked.
30:01All right.
30:02Thanks.
30:03Thanks, Celia.
30:03Thanks, Tom.
30:10So, Celia, I just want to let you know, we deliberately weakened that exercise ball so that that happened.
30:15I just wanted you to know that was a lie I thought would make you feel better.
30:19Yeah, because they're supposed to, like, I've sat on one of those when I was pregnant and I didn't pop
30:23it.
30:23I didn't pop it when I was two people.
30:24And now I'm popping it when I'm one.
30:25I need to go to the gym.
30:27If you do, don't sit on the exercise ball.
30:31What was your thought process between choosing those two objects?
30:33Well, God chose me with the ball.
30:35It nudged the ball into me and I had no choice because of the stickler McGee over here.
30:40And then, I don't know, I just thought the roller skates seemed like sort of the closest thing to a
30:44vehicle.
30:45It looked like a foot car, right?
30:48So, Joel, why did you zero in on those two objects?
30:51Well, I couldn't see both the exercise balls, obviously, so they were out.
30:55So, I put on the foot car, which was way too small for me.
30:58And then, for some reason, I went with the pogo stick.
31:01But I think I covered some distance.
31:02Well, I feel like you went quite a long way, but then you got bored and then you came back.
31:06Yeah, but it's not about that.
31:07Wasn't it just about metres?
31:09Well, it's up to you, but I think we should be counting how far you go in total.
31:13Dressing room for everything.
31:13See you after the show.
31:17To pay you.
31:18To pay you.
31:19I'm not going to...
31:21Just so you know, in future, when I'm saying things and saying opinions,
31:24it's not for sexual favours.
31:27Now you tell us.
31:28I know.
31:29How far did they travel?
31:31Well, Celia's perfectly fitting roller skate got her exactly 16.4 metres.
31:36Joel's roller derby pogo approach got him 226.1 metres in total.
31:45OK, Lesser Tom, let's see someone else's stunted, hectic journey across the backyard, please.
31:50They say the longest journey is the one between our heads and our hearts.
31:53I hope this next guy gets further than that.
31:55It's Brett Blake.
31:56I think I know what I'm going to do.
32:02This is a boring challenge.
32:04Task.
32:06Shut up.
32:07It's really annoying the vans over there.
32:09Because if I could get to the van and drive, yeah, that's an idea.
32:18You had tape prepared?
32:20Yeah.
32:22Am I nailing this?
32:24Furnest distance travelled.
32:26How far is the next pub?
32:29We're not allowed to leave the property.
32:30We don't have licence plates.
32:31Well, then we get arrested by the police.
32:34They take us to the police station.
32:35What's that?
32:36Closest police station is 8km away.
32:39Oh, **** one.
32:40No, we can't do that.
32:41Yeah, I can.
32:42Watch.
32:42No, we can't.
32:52We can't get out.
32:54Fair.
32:56I think it's going to be furthest distance collectively.
33:00So I'm just going to do this for seven minutes, yeah?
33:04Careful at the wood.
33:05Such a drama queen, babe.
33:07Have a look at me.
33:08Do you think this mullet's face?
33:09Do you think this is my first time doing this?
33:12Tom's having a panic attack.
33:14Tom's having a panic attack.
33:16The mullet makes me more worried.
33:17Do you know what will make you really worried?
33:18If I close my eyes.
33:23I reckon we've got 3Ks in that.
33:25What do you reckon?
33:25Do you think?
33:26Mmm.
33:263Ks of doughnuts?
33:27Yeah.
33:28I'll just park in that corner.
33:29And then I think I've won.
33:31Careful.
33:34That's a win.
33:35Next.
33:37Taskmaster.
33:38My arse.
33:44Very good.
33:45Brett, I think your bogan intelligence really blossomed in this one, didn't it?
33:48You're right.
33:49I really think I excelled in that.
33:51And Tom had a terrific time, didn't you, Tom?
33:54I was a bit scared.
33:57I've never seen producers more worried than doing that task.
34:01The stunt coordinator came with a fire extinguisher.
34:04They're not stunt coordinators.
34:06What are you trying to tell me off to?
34:09He's a health and safety officer.
34:11Oh, never.
34:13I'll tell you what he is.
34:14He's a goddamn wet blanket.
34:18All right.
34:19Well, I think we have to know how far he went.
34:21Well, Brett did 17 doughnuts at approximately 27 metres circumference each, we think.
34:26Two trips up the drive and back, that's 195 metres total, plus an initial walk of 47 metres,
34:30is 701 metres.
34:33Wow.
34:35Geez, it doesn't get much better than this.
34:37We'll have a break, because with great TV comes great ads.
34:41See you soon.
34:53Welcome back to Taskmaster, where our five comedians are finally doing something I've been asking
34:58them to do for years.
34:59Go far away.
35:00That's right.
35:01Our contestants are trying to go as far as they can, using only two items from the items
35:04in front of them.
35:05Last up, they're as far from each other as they can be on their chairs right now.
35:08Is that a good omen, or just boring?
35:10It's Anissa and Rove.
35:11Can I, at this present moment in time, just put it out there that no one's going to use
35:17the bread?
35:18Who's using bread?
35:20I'm riding the beget.
35:22Where's bread going to get you?
35:23You think I'm a fool, but I'm smart.
35:26In fact, if someone does choose bread, in my next task, I will do the whole thing in falsetto.
35:33I'm a genius.
35:34I guarantee no one uses bread.
35:36Bam.
35:38Me and my beget.
35:40I'm seeing a pogo stick.
35:42Do you know the last time I jumped on a pogo stick?
35:44No.
35:44Can't remember when.
35:45Oh.
35:46So that's going to be dangerous and fun.
35:49Beget.
35:50I choose pogo stick.
35:52You and you are going all the way, beget.
35:55Okay.
35:56Fudge.
35:57Why are you breaking on me?
35:59I didn't think this through, beget.
36:01How do pogo sticks work?
36:05What?
36:08I'm pogoing.
36:09I'm pogoing.
36:13Did I get to the pond?
36:15Not quite.
36:17Taskmaster taxi.
36:19Service ride.
36:19This voucher entitles you to one free taxi ride from Tom.
36:24Where do you want to go?
36:25Out of the property as far as possible, please.
36:28Yay.
36:31Yeehaw.
36:32I win.
36:34You happy with this?
36:34Yes, I win.
36:36I stand by my call.
36:38You're dead to me, bread.
36:39You're fine.
36:40You're fine.
36:41Anything you'd like to say to the others?
36:43Losers.
36:44That's great.
36:45I killed that.
36:51What a contrast.
36:52I feel like, Anissa, that was a real emotional rollercoaster.
36:55At first, you were, like, misidentifying the bread for ages.
36:59Then we thought you were a real idiot for trying to use it to get somewhere.
37:03And then things changed.
37:05You guys couldn't see it.
37:06None of you believed in me.
37:08I knew the Begay was the way all along.
37:11LAUGHTER
37:16Now, Rave, I think you did a really good job, too,
37:19of pretending you don't know how to ride a pogo stick,
37:21whereas I feel like that was right up your alley.
37:24I think it says something about Bretonized personalities
37:27when he's just, like, laser-focused on,
37:29I want to get in the van.
37:31And I'm like, I want to bounce on a pogo stick.
37:34Yeah, I was getting real circus skills vibes from him.
37:37Oh, my God, Tom, the agonizing thought I had wrestling in my own mind
37:41do I go with the pogo stick or the unicycle.
37:43What a conundrum.
37:45Now, Lester, Tom, can you remind me what Rave said
37:47about that bread before the break?
37:49If someone uses bread, I will do the whole next task in falsetto.
37:53All right, so, uh, how far did they get, though?
37:56Rave travelled 8.2 metres.
37:58Anissa travelled 4.2 kilometres.
38:00Hey!
38:02APPLAUSE
38:02The game!
38:05So that means Rave gets one point, Celia gets two,
38:07Joel gets three, Brett gets four,
38:09but Anissa wins the task with five points.
38:10CHEERING
38:14OK, so what does that do to the scores for the episode?
38:17Well, it changes them.
38:18LAUGHTER
38:19All right, let's go to an ad break.
38:22What a cliffhanger!
38:24So, Brett and Joel are in last place on ten points,
38:27Celia has 11, Rave has 13,
38:28but in the lead, it's Anissa with 16 points!
38:31APPLAUSE
38:33OK, well, enough maths and numbers.
38:35Get out of here, everyone.
38:36Go and do a live task for me.
38:38Off you go.
38:38CHEERING
38:42OK, Cashman, before we get into this next task,
38:45let's just remember that Rave clearly said
38:46that if anyone used bread,
38:49he would do the next task in falsetto.
38:52OK, who's going to read the task?
38:54Oh, that would be Joel.
38:55Oh, well done, Joel!
38:57LAUGHTER
38:58Is that what falsetto is?
38:59It sounds like a jockey to me, but...
39:02LAUGHTER
39:04Paint your face in a silly way.
39:07No!
39:08Then...
39:08Share a serious story.
39:11LAUGHTER
39:13There's more.
39:14Biggest disparity between silly face
39:16and serious story wins.
39:18You have two minutes to paint your face,
39:20then 20 seconds each to share a story.
39:23Your time starts now.
39:24Oh, boy!
39:26CHEERING
39:28CHEERING
39:31LAUGHTER
39:34Why are you painting other parts of your body, Joel?
39:36I'm getting to my face!
39:38LAUGHTER
39:40LAUGHTER
39:40I think you've inspired Celia.
39:42Yeah, you did.
39:43I'm probably...
39:43Oh, piss off, Celia.
39:46LAUGHTER
39:47LAUGHTER
39:48LAUGHTER
39:48One minute left.
39:49This is like an art attack.
39:51Is it?
39:52Oh, then Joel's going to crush this!
39:56LAUGHTER
39:56I don't think so.
39:58I'm going to go back to my tits.
40:00I'm going to go back to my tits!
40:02LAUGHTER
40:02The tits are irrelevant.
40:04You're irrelevant!
40:05Tits are never irrelevant.
40:06How dare you!
40:07Second.
40:09LAUGHTER
40:10LAUGHTER
40:11LAUGHTER
40:11Paintbrushes down, everybody!
40:13Paintbrushes down.
40:15APPLAUSE
40:16LAUGHTER
40:18APPLAUSE
40:18Aneesa, you will be our first storyteller.
40:21LAUGHTER
40:21Oh, no.
40:22Oh, no, she's gone whiteface.
40:25LAUGHTER
40:26LAUGHTER
40:27I'd like to tell a story about, um,
40:30the time that I went to a Pauline Hanson rally
40:33and asked her to marry me.
40:36LAUGHTER
40:38And...
40:39she said no.
40:41LAUGHTER
40:43Which, um, would have made everyone pretty happy
40:46because she was sticking to her guns.
40:48LAUGHTER
40:50Thank you, Aneesa.
40:53Brett Blake, please step up and tell a serious story.
40:57All right, serious story.
40:58Oh, um...
41:00I've done acting before.
41:01Oh, have you?
41:04LAUGHTER
41:05I'll do better than that.
41:07Um...
41:07One of the hardest gigs I ever did
41:09was about 12 years ago.
41:12LAUGHTER
41:12LAUGHTER
41:14I didn't even get to talk about my grandad going,
41:16you f***ing arsehole.
41:18LAUGHTER
41:18Now I've just got dicks and shit on my face on TV
41:20for no f***ing reason.
41:22LAUGHTER
41:22Celia, please step up and tell a serious story.
41:25Agree.
41:26When my friend Kelly and I, um,
41:27had to agree to put down our dog, Deirdre Chambers,
41:31um, the vet went...
41:32I made a face, and we went, what?
41:34And she said, oh, I'm just looking at the monitor.
41:35Her heart beats faster when she hears you talking to her.
41:45That was tough.
41:48What?
41:49OK, well, we're going to be back soon
41:51with two more silly faces
41:52and hopefully some very serious stories after this.
41:56APPLAUSE
42:05Welcome back to Taskmaster.
42:07We're about to hear some more serious stories
42:09by people who look like they've been vandalised
42:11by drunk toddlers.
42:12That's right, we've got two remaining contestants,
42:14two serious stories to hear from our silly-looking people.
42:16Joel Creasy.
42:17You are next.
42:17Thank you very much.
42:19Um, I have been dumped many times in my life.
42:23Um, the most probably hardcore dumping,
42:25hence the incredible tears on my face,
42:27were when I took a man to see
42:29Have You Heard About the Morgans,
42:31a Sarah Jessica Parker vehicle
42:34that bombed at the box office,
42:35and he said he was going to get a choc-top
42:37and never returned and left me
42:40in the cinema on my life.
42:42But it was revenge!
42:43I hooked up with his brother!
42:45APPLAUSE
42:49Rose McManus, please step up.
42:51Oh, I feel I'm already at a disadvantage,
42:53but that's OK.
42:55The most humiliating day of my life
42:57was when I was on the school camp
43:00first day of year 12
43:02and my girlfriend dumped me.
43:04She told all my friends first
43:06before she told me
43:07and she wrote it in a card that says
43:09you're dropped
43:10and it was Valentine's Day.
43:14APPLAUSE
43:19Alright, well thank you so much
43:21for bearing your souls.
43:22Get down here
43:23so we can allocate some points.
43:25APPLAUSE
43:29OK, well I've got to give out some scores.
43:31I'm thinking when it comes to the faces
43:33and the silliness,
43:34they're all equally silly
43:35compared to the stories
43:36were all over the shop.
43:38So I'm going to give one point to Brett
43:39because he didn't really get his story out.
43:41And I'm going to give two points to Joel
43:42because it sounded like a serious story
43:44but then at the end it got quite silly.
43:45I read the task though.
43:46I should get an extra point for that.
43:49I'm not giving out points for comprehension.
43:52I'm going to give three points to Anissa.
43:54It was quite a silly story.
43:56I suspect it never happened.
43:57But I'm going to give four points to Rove.
43:59He was up against it.
43:59He had a silly voice
44:00which distracted me from the story a little bit
44:02but it was very serious.
44:03But I'm going to give five points to Celia
44:05for dropping some dark shit
44:08after putting on some weird makeup.
44:10APPLAUSE
44:13I'll tell you what
44:13that five points really makes
44:16killing my dog worth it.
44:17LAUGHTER
44:20All right, Mr. Numbers
44:21what does that mean
44:22for our overall episode score?
44:24Well, Brett is in fifth place
44:25with 11 points
44:26but Anissa wins the episode
44:27with 19 points.
44:30All right, congrats, Anissa.
44:32Get up on stage
44:32to claim your five mouthful surprises.
44:36Well, what have we learnt?
44:38Brett learnt that a stunt coordinator
44:40and a health and safety officer
44:42aren't the same thing.
44:44And we all learnt Rove
44:45can Austin powers so hard
44:47he can break a caravan.
44:49One more congratulations
44:51to our episode winner, Anissa.
44:53Good night.
44:54APPLAUSE
45:09Are we still on air?
45:12Might have lost my tiny mind.
45:14Take that, year eight English teacher!
45:18I did it!
45:19Joe, were you just repeating material?
45:21LAUGHTER
45:22I'll learn from the best.
45:24LAUGHTER
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