- 13 minutes ago
Taskmaster (2023) Season 5 Episode 1
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:03Oh
00:24You're gonna be like this today, are you?
00:38Hello and welcome to a brand new season of Taskmaster Australia.
00:43I'm Tom Gleeson and I'm back baby.
00:46I've spent the off-season honing my mental physique and mastering my ability to be exceedingly
00:51judgemental in a way that only 75% of people would agree with.
00:54Also I can watch five comedians attempt to impress me and walk away with a magnificent prize
01:00so rare there's only four of them for sale on Gumtree.
01:05A golden replica of my lustrous head.
01:12This week and every week we will be joined by...
01:44I'm so sorry.
01:47Alright, it's time for the prize task.
01:49That's right, our first task is a prize task.
01:51Each of our contestants have brought in a prize.
01:52The best prize as judged by the Taskmaster will receive five points, second best four points
01:56and so on.
01:57And the winner of tonight's episode will take home all five prizes.
02:00Tonight our contestants have been asked to bring in what they consider to be the object
02:03most likely to satisfy the Taskmaster if he were to crush it in his hand.
02:09Alright Anissa, what satisfyingly crushable object have you brought in?
02:13Well I thought in this economy it's very difficult to maintain steady work so I thought something
02:18that would satisfy you to crush would be the careers of your competitors.
02:30I like where you're going but I think at the moment they're crushing their own careers aren't they?
02:35Also Rove, does it hurt you not to be up there?
02:37I'm insulted.
02:39Alright Brett, what have you brought in?
02:40I know what your biggest beef is and it's been, you know, all over the news and media.
02:44You have a big beef with Grant Denyer.
02:47So, I have got a mould of Grant Denyer's balls.
02:55And the best part is, that's actually a mould of his balls. Check this out.
03:07Wouldn't it be great just to put your hands down there, grab his balls and go deal or no deal
03:11Grant?
03:16Alright Celia, what have you got?
03:18I brought in something that is undeniably a pleasant thing for anybody to crush in their hand.
03:22Physically.
03:23And then I thought of something that you personally would like to crush.
03:26Yeah.
03:26A potato chip with Tom Cashman's dreams written on it.
03:36Wouldn't that be nice?
03:37Yeah, crushing the Pringle on its own would be very satisfying but knowing that it had Cashman's dreams in there.
03:42Yeah.
03:42I'm like that's never going to happen either.
03:44I know.
03:44So I just catch it.
03:46But it's a slippery slope though because for me once a pop I can't stop.
03:52Alright Joel.
03:53Well, I was trying to impress the Taskmaster.
03:56We both clearly hate the sun and so therefore hate sand because you know that gets in all the cracks
04:01and very hard to get out.
04:03And so I have built a sand castle with the most crushable thing on it.
04:09Tom Cashman's face.
04:15Wow.
04:16That looks like the face I make when I find out I'm not getting a girlfriend.
04:20Alright Rove, what did you bring in?
04:21I took something that I have myself that I love to crush on a regular basis.
04:29It's this piece of cheese that when you crush it, this happens, a little mouse comes out.
04:38And it is thoroughly satisfying.
04:44The mouse is very cute.
04:45It's coming out of the cheese but I grew up on a farm and we had a mouse plague and
04:48I'm traumatised by mice.
04:49So one point to Rove.
04:51Then I'm going to, what else am I going to go for?
04:53I have a pretend feud with Denya and a pretend feud with Peter Hellyer.
04:56They're actually good friends of mine.
04:58So I'm going to give two points to Brett and three points to Anissa.
05:01But I have a genuine feud with you, you s***head.
05:10So I'm going to give Joel four points but five points to Celia because you know.
05:16Oh my god.
05:18Alright, that's enough piss farting about.
05:20I'm ready for a first task.
05:21The first task for season five.
05:23You've got it.
05:24Call us Philosophy 101.
05:25We're about to prevent death with a trolley problem.
05:39Hello Tom.
05:41Hello Thomas.
05:44Hey.
05:44I like your place.
05:50Hi Rove.
05:51Oh hi Tom.
05:53Dude is that your car?
05:54That's sick.
05:55Bunch of eggs in a trolley.
05:57I'm not surprised.
05:58You don't look that excited to see me Tom.
06:01You don't think?
06:02Not at all.
06:03Are you going to be like this the whole time?
06:04Like what?
06:05Like this.
06:06I guess.
06:08We could be friends.
06:09Are you still doing comedy?
06:11Am I still doing comedy?
06:12Yeah.
06:12You're just doing this.
06:14This is comedy.
06:15May I?
06:16Please.
06:18Okay.
06:19I've ruined the card already.
06:20Here we go.
06:21Send these passengers on the safest yet speediest journey down the drive.
06:26You may not touch the passengers.
06:29The vehicle may only be moved by shoves with one shove allowed every 30 seconds.
06:35For any deceased passengers you must hold a meaningful memorial before proceeding.
06:41A bonus point will be given for best memorialiser.
06:45Fastest wins.
06:46The time starts now.
06:48I'm so sorry but some of you aren't going to make it.
06:55Just before we get started I'm going to say I'm so glad I didn't get that driveway resealed.
07:00Cause that gravel is going to be an absolute bastard.
07:04So whose eggs are we going to murder first?
07:07Well you can't break eggs without breaking a few eggs.
07:09It's Anissa, Celia and Rove.
07:11Alright you guys, are you with me?
07:13Who feels safe?
07:17Be free my little passengers!
07:19Look at them go!
07:20This is great!
07:21Never going to win unless I cry.
07:24F**k!
07:25F**k!
07:26F**k!
07:26F**k!
07:27F**k!
07:29Oh no!
07:30We lost one!
07:31Oh but she's still going!
07:33Go you little ripper!
07:34Oh I'm really happy with this.
07:36I'm really happy with this.
07:38Oh no!
07:39Oh it's carnage!
07:40Oh no!
07:42Oh no!
07:43Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of some dear friends of mine.
07:53To the earth you return.
07:58I'm Muslim.
07:59I don't know why I did that.
08:00Oh no!
08:01Captain Boyle.
08:02He stole from the rich and gave to the poor.
08:05And we will miss him.
08:06I don't think that one was dead.
08:07Oh f**k!
08:08I lied, he's a pedophile.
08:11Let's go for broke.
08:19That wasn't worth it.
08:20That was quite a good one!
08:22Oh no they're all dead.
08:24I'm going to miss you guys.
08:25This one was a bit of a dick but we're sad that you died anyway.
08:34What's this for?
08:35Dude it's a pyre.
08:37You know how it works.
08:38In post effects we could add flames.
08:41Oh!
08:42Oh!
08:42Stand back!
08:43Tom don't get burnt from the fire!
08:45Here we go!
08:49I should have been there.
08:50I should have cared for you.
08:52I should have nurtured you.
08:56Great.
08:56The finish line is in sight.
08:57I'm just going for it.
08:58I believe in all of you okay?
09:00Do you trust me?
09:02Let's go!
09:03He's crossed the line!
09:06Oh look at this angel who didn't leak when I gave her a hug at all.
09:10No she's fine.
09:11They're all fine Tom.
09:13In fact I'm just going to keep them with me because they're all alive and fine.
09:17Are some of them dead too?
09:18No.
09:19Thanks Tom.
09:20Thanks Ellie.
09:21Bye!
09:29So Celia how many memorials have you been to where after the tribute they throw the body away?
09:35Well you don't keep them.
09:37Yeah.
09:38They're all dicks.
09:38They're a bunch of egg dicks and I'm glad they're dead.
09:42Yeah you uh you abused them in several different ways.
09:45What were you calling the eggs?
09:46I don't know one of them oh I won't repeat it.
09:49I'll repeat it.
09:50Celia accused one of them of being a pedophile.
09:55So Anissa you said to one of the eggs in your heartfelt tribute I should have been there.
10:00Um you were there.
10:04I feel like I should have been there intellectually because I wasn't thinking I don't know why I pushed it
10:09that hard.
10:10I genuinely could not think of another way to do it other than that.
10:13You know right?
10:15Are you trying to throw to the next segment?
10:21I'll do the twists and turns thank you.
10:24Now Rove how did you feel about the fire that was added in post there?
10:28Oh it was really good and I'll tell you all about it after the break.
10:33No?
10:36I was quite impressed by it.
10:37That's what I expected my Viking funeral to be like.
10:40Alright now Tom what's your favourite part of this task?
10:43Yeah probably the second line of the task actually.
10:44Oh right and what was that?
10:46You may not touch the passengers in any way.
10:49I can't touch them.
10:50Nope.
10:51Oh no Captain boiled.
10:53We will miss you.
10:54I don't think that one was dead.
10:55Oh f**k.
10:56That was Jasmine.
10:58Okay.
11:00I touched it.
11:01I touched it.
11:02So can I put it back?
11:04So Carl's going into space.
11:07Oh.
11:09Please don't throw the eggs at the camera people.
11:16Can I touch them now?
11:17What do you mean now?
11:19I wasn't touching them before.
11:25So this means they're all disqualified.
11:28That's right yep.
11:30Rove touched an egg twice.
11:31Anissa touched an egg 31 times.
11:35Celia touched an egg 40 times.
11:37I love it.
11:38I just love touching eggs okay.
11:40I have a problem.
11:43Alright well let's take a break.
11:44We'll be back soon to see if any of our contestants aren't disqualified.
11:48We'll see you after this.
12:01Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
12:03If you've just joined us you're late and I'm very disappointed.
12:07What were we doing Tom?
12:08Our contestants are shoving a trolley full of eggs down a driveway as fast as they can and they're not
12:12allowed to touch eggs.
12:12So far our contestants have touched so many eggs.
12:17Alright it's just a simple task.
12:19Fastest wins.
12:19Fastest wins.
12:20Up next it's all the king's men.
12:22Can they end what can only be described as an egg touching extravaganza?
12:25It's Joel Creasy and Brett Blake.
12:27I'm not very strong.
12:28Am I allowed to drive that car?
12:31Jump in let's go.
12:33I can use anything right?
12:37What if I got on me?
12:39I'm staying here?
12:39Yeah you're staying here.
12:41If I tie this and sort of shut then I can sort of pull it back.
12:45Well what if I like put something over the top to pat it?
12:51I'm not touching them.
12:53Go to sleep little eggs.
12:56What's that for?
12:57A ramp dickhead.
12:58Let's go.
12:59Sorry.
13:03There are no deceased passengers.
13:05Yes.
13:06Oh that's a shit ramp.
13:09Shove.
13:13I reckon I've nailed this.
13:15I feel like this is a shove.
13:17That's a shove.
13:19That's a shove.
13:21There's one deceased passenger.
13:26There is one deceased passenger.
13:28We've travelled all this way.
13:30And you are just a bit too weak.
13:32And that's life isn't it?
13:33That's the memorial?
13:34It's nicer than what I said at my grandma's funeral.
13:37You need to sing the national anthem.
13:40Go.
13:41You want me to do it?
13:43Yeah well I'm doing this.
13:45Go. Come on.
13:47Australians.
13:49Oh let us rejoice.
13:52Yeah.
13:53Oh ho ho ho.
14:06There's five deceased passengers.
14:07I feel like this is what the eggs would have wanted.
14:11You know what I mean?
14:11And if you could keep singing that national anthem as well I think that will help.
14:15We've got the flag there.
14:18Maybe a burnout.
14:19We are young and free range eggs.
14:24With oil and oil.
14:27And something, something oil.
14:30Our home is pink.
14:32The eggs would want me to win.
14:36Oh.
14:40There's an additional deceased passenger.
14:46Can you skip?
14:49Oh there you go.
14:53Yay!
15:00Great work Brett.
15:02I think you did really well.
15:03I especially like for we are young and free range.
15:06Age.
15:08I love how I'm the only person on the panel who's dyslexic but I managed to read do not touch
15:13the eggs.
15:14I like your memorials too that you gave.
15:16I think they were very good.
15:17But I feel like at a Bogan Memorial you should have been wearing wrap around sunnies.
15:21Yeah.
15:21There wasn't enough props but I had a ramp.
15:23I got the van involved.
15:25I think I started using the van too much that the safety coordinator on set started hiding vehicles from me.
15:31So.
15:33It did not go well.
15:34Tom had some fun though.
15:35Well I felt like I was in danger more than.
15:39Danger, electric, excitement, it's all the same dude.
15:43Alright Joel.
15:44Yes.
15:44I thought you were being a bit hard on yourself when you were saying that you weren't that strong.
15:48But then I saw your effort and I thought it was about accurate.
15:52I don't know what I was planning with the rope because I didn't do anything.
15:57I did enjoy the memorials though because I've been planning my funeral forever.
16:02Well I can't wait.
16:04I honestly can't wait.
16:05Open casket with my eyes glued open.
16:07Right?
16:08So I can look into the eyes of my enemies just one last time.
16:11Yeah.
16:12Joel would you like to hear more about your plan for your funeral?
16:15Glinda and El Farber from Wicked will sing for good.
16:18El Farber?
16:19El Farber?
16:21El Farber?
16:22El Farber?
16:22El Farber?
16:23I'm not a musical guy.
16:25Hush your dirty mouth.
16:26El Farber.
16:27You're going to want to retake that because they're going to come to you Tom.
16:30Do not retake that.
16:32If I don't get to go back and untouch eggs you do not get a second credit.
16:39Luke I am your El Farber.
16:41No.
16:42No no no.
16:43It's all right.
16:44No no no.
16:44Give him a break.
16:45Give him a break.
16:46Tom you know.
16:47You know.
16:47You're joking.
16:48You know the Wizard of Ooze.
16:50Right?
16:52To be fair we should just do a pick up of you saying El Farber because otherwise fans of
16:56musical theatre will be coming at you.
16:59Oh no.
17:00Joel.
17:01Joel.
17:01I don't think he's seen what Joel's hands come in.
17:02I was going to say well we'll rip your throat out.
17:06We're coming at you.
17:07We're coming at you.
17:09Better run.
17:10Better run.
17:14I'm sorry you had to sink that side of me Tom.
17:18Woo.
17:20I'm not supposed to enjoy this show this much but anyway.
17:23What I was trying to allude to when I was describing what Joel told me about his funeral is that
17:27we did a lot of talking during that task.
17:29Right.
17:30Joel took 37 minutes and 22 seconds.
17:33Brett's decision to use the van means his time is just 10 minutes and 8 seconds.
17:40So that means zero points for the first three contestants Anissa Celia and Rove all disqualified.
17:45Four points for Joel and five points for Brett.
17:50Finally you need to choose the best memorialiser.
17:53Oh that's easy.
17:54Brett Blake.
17:55Okay.
17:55Six points for Brett Blake.
17:58Okay and what are the scores for the episode so far?
18:01Out in front it's a tie at the moment.
18:02Brett and Joel both on 8 points.
18:04Oh well done.
18:07Alright.
18:09I'm ready for another task.
18:11This next task is about middle names but I'll never tell you mine.
18:14Discretion is my middle name.
18:16Oh wait.
18:31Tom Cashman with the iPad in the study.
18:36Bonjour.
18:37Hi Joel.
18:38Please choose a word.
18:39Oh!
18:40What choose one that's hanging?
18:41They all describe me.
18:43Darren.
18:44Technically a name but that's alright.
18:46I know it's cool.
18:47Chaos.
18:47Wizard.
18:48Danger.
18:49I choose Darren.
18:50You're choosing Darren?
18:51Yeah.
18:53Oh no.
18:55I'm cool.
18:57You're like Edward Scissorhands.
19:00Totally broke that one.
19:01Now do I read the thing?
19:02Yes Liz.
19:03Okay.
19:07Why?
19:08The word you just selected is your new middle name.
19:13Live up to it.
19:14I should have gone with sexy.
19:16Most lived up to middle name wins.
19:19You have 25 minutes to time so it's down.
19:21I mean obviously Danny's my middle name.
19:22I win.
19:23I should just get points for choosing the correct one.
19:25Like what would you do?
19:25Because you're very cool.
19:26Like what would a cool per...
19:27Like I'm asking a cool person.
19:28What would they do?
19:29I'm not going to answer because I suspect you're being sarcastic.
19:32This is effed up but I'd know someone called Darren.
19:34He prepares to his missus in a Macca's.
19:37I won't be allowed to light things on fire will I?
19:39Let's do it and let's wait to see what happens if I get yelled at.
19:43Cool.
19:43Cool.
19:44I want to physically get cool.
19:46I think I have to be the dangerous thing.
19:48So I'm going to be sharp.
19:50Okay.
19:51And hot.
19:52And like have rabies.
19:54I'm off to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
19:59Do you mean the generic school for magic?
20:01Tom.
20:02Yeah.
20:02I'm off to a nameless school of witchcraft and wizardry.
20:06Grab everything.
20:07Grab the cameras.
20:08Let's go.
20:12So Anissa, what drew you to Darren?
20:14Just an opportunity to make fun of white guys.
20:19So like how would you describe Darren as an emotion?
20:24Oh yeah.
20:25Nah.
20:27Bam.
20:28Nailed it.
20:30Okay Tom.
20:31I'm ready to see some people embody their new middle names.
20:34Who have we got first?
20:35He chose the word chaos.
20:36He's furious.
20:37He didn't choose sexy.
20:38It's Brett.
20:38Chaos.
20:39Blake.
20:40Your time's up now Tomina.
20:42No one's going to save you.
20:44Oh my god.
20:48It's Brett.
20:49Sexy.
20:50Blake.
20:50No!
20:54B-
20:55B.
20:56B.
20:57B.
20:57B.
20:59B.
20:59B.
20:59B.
21:00B.
21:02B.
21:02Yeah.
21:03B.
21:09B.
21:10B.
21:14B.
21:15You're welcome.
21:17B.
21:44See you next time.
21:45You're not going to let me out of the chains?
21:49OK, so did you forget which word you chose?
21:55You chose chaos, but then you came out on the bike and it said sexy and you were sexy.
21:59Ah, but they were just feelings you were feeling when you saw that.
22:02Yeah.
22:03You were like, that's sexy. I went with chaos, sexy and danger.
22:06I kind of got lost in it a bit. I think the character was Captain Chaos
22:10and then I was playing someone called maybe Mr. Sexy or Cool or Darren.
22:15And maybe Darren and then he saves Tom from Captain Chaos.
22:22Not Tom.
22:23Who are you?
22:26Tamina.
22:27Oh, that's right. I gave you a girl's name and I put a wig on you. That's funny.
22:32It looked like a tutorial for when you get inducted into being a lesbian.
22:36That's what I thought I was watching.
22:37Well, ironically, a lot of that stuff came from Bunnings, so it makes sense.
22:41All right, we're up to the middle name of any broadcast TV show, The Ads. Back soon.
22:57Hello and welcome back to the first episode of Taskmaster Season 5.
23:01How exciting. You're witnessing the series right at its peak.
23:05And from this sentence, we're phoning it in.
23:08Where were we, Tom?
23:09Our comedians are trying to live up to their new middle name.
23:11Up next, it's Anissa Darren-Nandola and Joel Cool Creasy.
23:16Hi there. Could I please have a hash brown and an apple pie?
23:19No, I'll get a full meal, love. Get a full f***ing meal.
23:22Because today is a real special day.
23:26Do you want to have an ice bath with me?
23:28I loved you ever since I laid eyes on you at the pokies.
23:32Beautiful. Beautiful spot. This is so cool.
23:34The way you scream,
23:35Oh, man. Man, my heart race.
23:41Cool. See?
23:42Oh, my God.
23:46I've even got these very cool glasses to really hammer the point home.
23:52Would you please be my lawfully wedded wife and make me...
23:56You've kind of already put it on.
23:58Let me bloody finish, love.
23:59Okay.
24:00You want me to get in?
24:00I think you should. I think there's enough space.
24:02You didn't tell me to change.
24:04You didn't tell me that. It's perfect.
24:05Do you want to be Mrs. Anissa Samuel Darren-Nandola?
24:09I do.
24:11How refreshing.
24:15Get the large, get the large.
24:16I'll have fries as well.
24:20Done.
24:23Enjoy the view.
24:30This is based on a true story, right?
24:31This is based off of a Darren that I know.
24:33Okay.
24:33So, how's Darren's relationship going now?
24:36He's divorced.
24:38Now, you're from Queensland.
24:40Yes.
24:40You didn't choose to live by Darren Lockyer.
24:42He's a rugby player.
24:46I've noticed I'm being very careful because I don't want my citizenship revoked.
24:51Rugby player?
24:52Rugby league player.
24:53Oh, okay.
24:54I don't know what that means.
24:59He's a Queensland legend.
25:00Okay.
25:03So, Joel, was this task for you a bit tricky?
25:06Because to start with, you're already quite cool.
25:08Oh, I thought I'd give myself a challenge and try and be cool.
25:12Yeah.
25:12But I reckon you are already cool.
25:14You're on commercial radio.
25:16When I hang out with you, you're always very witty, well-dressed.
25:19You know, you're always often drinking a very fancy drink.
25:21I look at it and think, what's Joel drinking?
25:23I wouldn't mind having that because he's cool.
25:25Do you need money or something?
25:27No, I'm just saying.
25:30LAUGHTER
25:34But the problem is, I think you started the task cool,
25:37but then you ended it not cool.
25:38Why?
25:39You finished in a bathtub with Tom Cashman.
25:41Not cool.
25:43You're telling me I was in there with him.
25:45And I could tell it was very cool.
25:49Let's just say my balls are smaller than Grant Deniers.
25:52LAUGHTER
25:53All right, Cashman, I'm ready for another.
25:56Uppus Nexotus.
25:57It's Rove, Wizard, McManus.
25:59Oh, God.
26:05Ah, Broomie, it's time to fly.
26:07Up.
26:10Come on, Broomie, we've got to save the day.
26:13The evil wizard, er, eyeboard is coming to stop us.
26:18Let's go!
26:20Ah!
26:21Ah!
26:21My scar's hurting.
26:23Ah!
26:23Like that.
26:25Ah.
26:25That must mean that...
26:27What was his name again?
26:29Eye-eyeboard or something like this?
26:31Oh, no!
26:32Here he comes!
26:37Well, well, well.
26:40If it isn't Rove, Wizard, McManus.
26:44Evil wizard, Voldy-born.
26:46No, evil...
26:47Evil wizard, Eidi-born.
26:50I knew it was you.
26:51Oh, really?
26:52Well, what if I was to tell you?
26:55It was me that killed your parents, you dumb kid.
26:59No!
27:01Killers!
27:02Villainous!
27:05Sparks come out of it.
27:07Cool effects.
27:08Oh, no!
27:09You got me, Rogue Wizard, McManus.
27:13But I'll be back if there's a sequel.
27:21Flames!
27:22Yeah!
27:23That's what you get for being a dick!
27:27All a simple day in the life.
27:29For me, Rove the Wizard, McManus.
27:31Although my parents are still dead.
27:34Womp womp.
27:39Very emotional.
27:41They are.
27:42There we go.
27:44To some of our younger viewers who are just tuning in,
27:46you might be surprised to find out that Rove actually
27:48used to be a really big deal.
27:56What was that about, Rove?
27:58It was magic.
28:00Yeah, well, I was watching it thinking it was about
28:02to magically become entertainment.
28:07There's no trick for that, as we well know, Tom.
28:09Were you, uh, were you griffin-bored?
28:13Yeah, boy!
28:16Shut up, Malfoy.
28:18You know!
28:20Check out these Dumbledawks.
28:23I don't get it.
28:24Who gives a shit?
28:25I'm a regular Hufflepuff.
28:31Hey, Tom, you can just probably go straight to the points.
28:37Who have we got next, Cashboy?
28:41I think she might actually have rabies and has found a way
28:44to work it into the show.
28:46It's Celia Danger-Pakola.
29:01Oh!
29:01Oh!
29:03Rawr!
29:04Skit!
29:05I see you really ran with the rabies idea.
29:07Yeah, a little bit.
29:07Not just that.
29:09This is a pot filled with boiling water with a handle sticking out.
29:12It's incredibly dangerous.
29:13And this is an open flame, Tom.
29:14Oh, no.
29:15And scissors.
29:16Oh.
29:17And I can't help but notice the, um...
29:18Yes, because I have unprotected sex, and I'm a man,
29:21and I have a cactus penis.
29:22Okay.
29:22But I'm also a bear, and I'm also a woman who knows what she wants.
29:26All very dangerous things.
29:28I feel like I've nailed this brief.
29:30I will say good day to you, sir.
29:32Good day.
29:35Yeah.
29:38Yeah.
29:39Yeah.
29:40So, can you talk us through all the dangerous things you did?
29:42Because there was a lot there.
29:44My first thought was swords, and I had rabies, and I had scissors,
29:47and I had my PIN number, and my home address,
29:50and my mobile phone number.
29:52You had more than that.
29:53What else did I have? Oh, yeah.
29:54These are things written on your suit.
29:55Yeah.
29:56I'm a man.
29:56Yeah.
29:57I'm a bear.
29:58Yeah.
29:58I have a snake.
30:00I have worms.
30:01I answer unknown numbers.
30:03My password is easy to guess.
30:05And my shoelaces are undone.
30:07Oh, yeah.
30:08Your shoelaces were not undone.
30:10Oh, were they not?
30:10All right.
30:11Well, I've got to give out some scores here, don't I?
30:12You do.
30:13Okay.
30:14Well, that's pretty easy.
30:14One to Rove.
30:17I'm going to give two points to Joel,
30:18because he started cool, and then he ended not cool.
30:20I'm going to give three points to Celia,
30:22because it was still very dangerous.
30:23Okay.
30:23Yep.
30:24I'm going to give four points to Anissa,
30:25because it was chock full of Darren-ness.
30:28Mm-hmm.
30:28But I'm going to give five points to Brett,
30:30just because it was awesome and chaotic.
30:34Love it.
30:37All right, we'll be back after the break.
30:39Whether you will is entirely up to your attention span.
30:41And see you soon.
30:53Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
30:55We've just got time for one last proper task.
30:59So, what have you got for me, Lesser Tom?
31:00It's our first location task of the series,
31:02so giddy up, we're off to the racetrack.
31:20I love these big walks.
31:22Hi, Tom.
31:24Is this walk really necessary?
31:26Yes.
31:31Can I help you?
31:34Yeah, there's a toss down there that I'd love for you to read.
31:36Oh, okay.
31:41Kicks the exercise ball to Tom.
31:44Easy.
31:44Only chairs may halt a ball's motion.
31:48If the ball rolls to the bottom, you must remove a chair.
31:50This is so hard.
31:52Fewest chairs initially placed wins.
31:55You have 10 minutes to place the chairs,
31:58then 15 minutes to get the ball to the top.
32:00Your time starts now.
32:02But I've just got to kick the ball to you.
32:04That's right.
32:05What have the chairs got to do with anything?
32:07If the ball comes to a standstill on a chair,
32:10then you can go up to that spot and kick from there.
32:12Get what I mean?
32:12Not really.
32:13And also, the ball just f***ed off.
32:15You might want to go get the ball.
32:16Don't tell me what to do, Tom.
32:17Are you right-footed?
32:19Right-footed?
32:20Who's right-footed?
32:21I'm right-handed.
32:22What is right-footed?
32:24Oh, dear.
32:32Do you really not know what right-footed is?
32:35No.
32:36What's right-footed?
32:37Which foot do you kick with?
32:39Which foot do you kickball change with?
32:41Oh, I kickball change with my right foot.
32:43I'm right-footed.
32:44That's all you had to ask.
32:45Alright, who's up first?
32:46The chairman and the chairwoman of the Us Not Being Bored,
32:49it's Rove and Celia.
32:52Alright, I'm going to change.
32:53You can do some chat if you want.
32:55I'm just moving chairs.
32:56What did you have for breakfast?
32:56I had a protein ball, because I'm an athlete.
32:59Well, if I lay a chair flat, it's got more space to take up.
33:03What did you have for breakfast yesterday?
33:05Uh, pizza.
33:06Because that's what legends eat.
33:09I reckon it's going to stop better like that.
33:11What about the breakfast the day before that?
33:13Meth.
33:14It just keeps getting progressively worse, so don't keep going backwards.
33:17I've gone double digits.
33:18I'm not happy with that.
33:19Dare I ask what you had breakfast one day before that?
33:22A human child.
33:23Oh.
33:24See?
33:24I told you not to ask, Tom.
33:25Oh my gosh, what am I doing?
33:27I'm a genius.
33:29Woo!
33:30Okay.
33:30No more chair placement.
33:32The kicking may begin.
33:33Woo!
33:35Shut up!
33:37That was pretty far.
33:41Oh!
33:42Keep bouncing!
33:43Keep bouncing!
33:45Oh!
33:50You shut up!
33:51No, that's gone.
33:53The ball has crossed the line at the bottom of the ramp.
33:55Please remove one chair.
33:57Okay.
33:57At this point, this is doing F all.
33:59Alright.
33:59How good was that bounce, though?
34:01The people at home loved that.
34:03Did you hear the reaction?
34:04No?
34:05Well, okay.
34:06Oh!
34:07Oh!
34:08Too far!
34:11Come on, little chair.
34:12Yes, little chair!
34:17You shut up!
34:18Stop!
34:19Stop!
34:19Stop!
34:21Tom!
34:23Yeah!
34:24Look at that!
34:25Bit of support here.
34:28Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
34:31That was a foolish, foolish call.
34:34Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it.
34:37So I'm allowed to pick it up?
34:38Yes.
34:38Okay, I'm going to pick up the ball now, Tom.
34:42Bounce over!
34:43What?
34:47That was so close!
34:49Again, the crowd, but you wouldn't know because your imagination is limited.
34:53Well, it's going to be... I don't know if I could just...
34:55Okay, all right, all right.
34:59Come on, chair.
35:00You know what you're doing.
35:03Oh!
35:12I put out way too many chairs, Tom!
35:14I just didn't believe in myself at how good I was going to be at that.
35:17That's a shame.
35:18Thanks, Tom!
35:21Careful of those chairs!
35:23I mean, we shouldn't just...
35:24We shouldn't just be leaving those there.
35:31Ro, was that trip on purpose or was it an accident?
35:35It was a comedy!
35:36It was a comedy fall!
35:38I was just worried about you because it was so convincing when you fell over I was just genuinely concerned
35:42for your welfare.
35:44Thank you, Tom.
35:45I appreciate that.
35:46I was going to laugh, but then I didn't because I was worried you were hurt.
35:51All right.
35:52And so, I must admit, Rov, I reckon the most impressive things was seeing you miss by such a tiny
35:57amount.
35:57Oh, it was quite painful at the other end.
36:00Yes.
36:00And then, I don't know if you saw, I swapped legs.
36:02I went left, I went right.
36:04Didn't make a difference.
36:05Are you right-footed, whatever that means?
36:09I think my feet are bisexual, so it's like...
36:13Thought I recognised then.
36:16Okay, so Celia, how do you feel you went?
36:18I loved that.
36:19Yeah.
36:19I loved it so much.
36:20My only mistake was not knowing how good I'd be at it.
36:23That's the problem.
36:24Like you're saying, I should have believed in myself.
36:25Put out too many chairs.
36:26Well, the hardest part of your task was just watching Cashman try to keep up a conversation.
36:31Because I feel like you're giving him a lot of fun offers and he was...
36:34She's told me to do some chat.
36:36I remember I asked you what you had for breakfast and you said tinned peaches and I said, are you
36:39in the war?
36:42I had tinned peaches at the hotel. I didn't have my own tins.
36:46I didn't ask where the war happened.
36:50Anyway, so yes, that was the conversation, thank you.
36:53It was difficult working with you.
36:55Alright, so let's look at the stats.
36:58Well, ultimately it's a game of faith in yourself, right?
37:00So the fewer chairs, the more faith you have.
37:02Celia had 19 chairs worth of faith.
37:04Yep.
37:05Rove had a whopping 10 chairs of faith in himself.
37:07That's a lot of faith.
37:08Alright, who's battling the ramp next?
37:10The next contestants inclined to incline are Anissa and Brett.
37:13Oh.
37:15This is the logical thing, yeah?
37:16Put them in a line.
37:22Why can't this form kick it to you in one go?
37:25If you can, you can.
37:26What if I kick it so far, it doesn't come back?
37:29Then the task is done.
37:30That's correct.
37:31Oh, that's too easy.
37:33Let's win this.
37:35I'm rule-dogging it, dude.
37:36You're locking in zero chairs?
37:38Yeah.
37:41Bro, why is this ramp so rampy?
37:44No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
37:48This is either the best or the worst idea I've ever had.
37:55It's gonna be the worst idea I've ever had.
37:57Mother .
37:58Michael Jordan, rest in peace.
38:01He's not dead.
38:02Rest in peace, Kobe.
38:05Woo!
38:06Ah!
38:07Wah!
38:08Bah!
38:09Bah!
38:11Dude.
38:13You are now chalice.
38:15Johnny Wilkinson.
38:17Oh!
38:22Bah!
38:24Bah!
38:25Bah!
38:26Bah!
38:27Bah!
38:27Bah!
38:29Bah!
38:29Bah!
38:30This is a disgustingly steep ramp.
38:33Oh.
38:41I mean you still can't go!
38:44Go, go, go!
38:46Yes!
38:47Yes!
38:52How much time up?
38:53Like what?
38:54Seven seconds left.
38:55Michelle Obama!
38:57Ah!
38:58Ah!
38:59Oh!
38:59Ah!
39:05I'm going to report this ramp to the ramp authorities.
39:09Dude, that was sick.
39:11Sometimes he's going to believe himself.
39:12Well done.
39:13Hell yeah.
39:20So, Anissa, you were yelling out various names.
39:23What was the thinking behind that?
39:25Rest in peace Michael Jordan.
39:28Is he still here?
39:30He's alive and well.
39:30OK.
39:32You'll never believe it, he plays rugby league for Queensland.
39:37Anissa, you were yelling famous black people as you kicked.
39:40Usain Bolt, Serena Williams, Kamal Harris and Nick Kyrgios.
39:46I claim him, I claim Nick Kyrgios.
39:48He's close enough.
39:50R.I.P.
39:50R.I.P.
39:52R.I.P.
39:53R.I.P.
39:54R.I.P.
39:55R.I.P.
39:57R.I.P.
39:58R.I.P.
40:03R.I.P.
40:27R.I.P.
40:28R.I.P.
40:29R.I.P.
40:31R.I.P.
40:31R.I.P.
40:32R.I.P.
40:32R.I.P.
40:33R.I.P.
40:36R.I.P.
40:37R.I.P.
40:40R.I.P.
40:40R.I.P.
40:41R.I.P.
40:41R.I.P.
40:42R.I.P.
40:42R.I.P.
40:42R.I.P.
40:43R.I.P.
40:43R.I.P.
40:44R.I.P.
40:44R.I.P.
40:45R.I.P.
40:46R.I.P.
40:47R.I.P.
40:48R.I.P.
40:48R.I.P.
40:53R.I.P.
41:00R.I.P.
41:01R.I.P.
41:02brave enough to ask the question would sports be more entertaining if they were
41:06done by people with no sporting ability? Where were we, Lester Tom? Our contestants
41:11are kicking a ball up a ramp with nothing to help them but chairs. Fewest chairs
41:14placed wins. Up last, it's a man so deeply in love with his feet he couldn't
41:18possibly choose between them. It's Joel Creasy. It's like I'm setting up for an
41:23event. Stay here! Careful of that, you wouldn't want the ball to get away.
41:39I reckon I can kick it from there but I've got them as backups.
41:42OK.
41:52What are you doing? Looking for the ball.
41:58Oh Tony, is this some onion? What? Where did it go? Where did the ball go? I don't know.
42:07I saw it go down there, that's all I saw. You've done something. I didn't do anything. You did,
42:13it was right here. Your kicking time has begun. This is so dumb Tom. Where's the ball?
42:18I don't know. Tom. I told you to make sure it didn't blow away. Where is it?
42:25It can't have gone that far. I've misread something like there's a little trick.
42:30I don't think wind is a trick. It's just a reality of life.
42:34But it's not here.
42:35Then why are you here?
42:36If it's down here I'll be so furious.
42:44Not here!
42:52Tom, this is so lame. There's not even any other balls here. Can I kick you in the balls?
42:57No thank you.
42:58This is so stupid Tom. Someone's taken the ball. I'm sorry.
43:10How long do I have?
43:11You've got 48 seconds left of kicking time.
43:14I'm being gasoline. I'm being completely gasoline.
43:16I'm not going to pretend that there's not cameras here.
43:18Everyone is silent. Someone's taken the ball.
43:20They have.
43:21I forgot what colour it was.
43:2425 seconds left.
43:25Where's the ball? It's not here!
43:28Is it like right here and I'm actually having a brain bleed and need to be in hospital?
43:31Ten seconds left.
43:32This is ridiculous. It's not here.
43:36Thanks Joel.
43:38That was the worst.
43:42And I had such a good sister.
43:52Now we know that you're not right footed or left footed you neither.
43:57I have lost months of sleep wondering where that ball went.
44:03Lesser Tom even said, it went that way.
44:05And you went, no it didn't.
44:06You walked the other way.
44:07I searched that way.
44:08I searched that entire race thing.
44:11That place.
44:12That awful place.
44:14Didn't even get a chance to kick with my right foot or whatever footed I am.
44:18You kept accusing me of taking it but you could see me the whole time.
44:22Someone went, someone blew it away just to wind me up and you got me.
44:28I looked up the wind speed on each day.
44:30I had the windiest day.
44:31No you didn't.
44:32Brett did.
44:34Mine went around the corner but I just looked and it was there.
44:38Mine was having a schooner up the bar.
44:40I couldn't find it anywhere.
44:41Joel, would you like to know how many kicks you attempted?
44:43No.
44:45I can at least work that out myself.
44:48Alright, well let's go through the scores then.
44:50Joel's obviously disqualified.
44:52Correct.
44:53As is Anissa.
44:54That means three points to Celia, four points to Rove and Brett wins the task with five points.
45:01Alright, and what are the scores for the episode so far?
45:03Rove is in last place with six points but Brett's out in front with 18 points.
45:09Alright, you lot, please head up to the stage for the first studio task of the season.
45:18Who's going to read out the task tonight?
45:21Celia.
45:25Pose for a photo at the median height with the median amount of naughtiness.
45:30Your photos will be compared and the contestant at the median height in their photo will win
45:36the height category.
45:38Tallest and shortest contestants will come second and the other two contestants will come third.
45:43Same scoring applies to naughtiness.
45:46Woo!
45:47Brett, are you okay?
45:48Did he just faint?
45:50No, I punched a wall out and I've left.
45:53Best overall performance in the two categories wins.
45:56Your photos will be taken in exactly 75 seconds!
45:58So, the middle of each category will win.
46:02The tallest and shortest come second and then the other two come third.
46:06Okay, your 75 seconds starts now.
46:15Why would you say that?
46:27Why would you say that?
46:3230 seconds!
46:3230 seconds!
46:33Yes!
46:36Yes!
46:39Yes!
46:40Yes!
46:40Yes!
46:41Yes!
46:44Yes!
46:54Okay, it's time for one last break.
46:56Hey, during the break, why don't you swap over each other's phones and have a look at the
47:00photos.
47:01See who's got the naughtiest photos.
47:02You'll enjoy it.
47:03See you soon!
47:15Hello and welcome back to the season premiere of Taskmaster.
47:18We're in the final stretch of our live task and just need some rankings.
47:22Sir Tom?
47:23That's right.
47:23Our contestants tried to take photos of median height and median naughtiness.
47:26Let's analyse the height first.
47:29Yeah!
47:31Oh!
47:34It goes!
47:36Yeah!
47:39Did I win this then?
47:41Yeah, that's right.
47:42Celia was the median height, so you win the height category.
47:46And Nisa and Brett were tallest and shortest respectively, so they come in second in the height
47:50category and Joel and Rove were the other ones.
47:52All right, so we have to rank some naughtiness there.
47:54Yes, it's time to analyse naughtiness.
47:56Okay, well I'm tempted to say that Nisa and Brett are the same because they kind of dress
48:00the same, but they're doing something very different.
48:02What's naughty about what you're doing there, Nisa?
48:04Do you want me to...
48:09And I must say, I was so worried, but then I saw Rove and I'm like, I'm good.
48:16What about Brett?
48:17Well, I was using the stick thing as an erect penis, but then I remembered that it was medium,
48:24so then I folded the fake penis in half so it's a medium dick.
48:28Okay.
48:29And then I got bored in the task and forgot they were taking a photo.
48:34Just looking at Celia, were you actually naked?
48:36It looks like I'm having an emergency in the shower.
48:41Right.
48:41But is that naughty or natural?
48:44Depends.
48:45In a supermarket, whew.
48:48Rove committed to his look very early on in the task, I felt.
48:54We had the pleasure of seeing you did a few minor variations.
48:57First, it was nipple.
48:58I did.
48:58I workshopped through it.
48:59It was a process, wasn't it?
49:00It evolved.
49:00I went for Brett Blake and just felt it.
49:02Okay.
49:03And then we've got Joel.
49:04Joel.
49:05Well...
49:06You just look like you're on the toilet and you're dropping your newspaper.
49:10I was being very naughty and wasn't in time for the camera, was I?
49:14Oh, naughty, naughty.
49:19Joel is last because he didn't look too offensive to me.
49:23I find nudity to be natural, not that naughty, so second last is Celia.
49:27I'm going to say Brett was quite naughty and Nisa was a little bit naughtier.
49:32The naughtiest was watching Rove Manus.
49:35Do a rude thing or throw a zipper.
49:37Yeah.
49:38Okay, so putting together medium height and medium naughtiness, what do we have?
49:41We've got three contestants in third place, Tide, Nisa, Joel and Rove.
49:45Celia is in second place with four points, but Brett wins the task with five points.
49:53So, who has won the first episode?
49:55Ooh!
49:57Could be!
50:00Where this seems to be leading is whether you just put a pirate hat on and sit on a box,
50:07or jump over a fire.
50:10Who has won now?
50:12Rove, you're in last place.
50:13Oh, what?
50:18Rove's right.
50:18Brett's way out in front with 23 points and is the winner of the first episode.
50:24Congratulations to Brett.
50:26Head up to the stage to collect your prize-tast things.
50:32Well, there we go.
50:34What have we learnt?
50:35Three of them learnt eggs might cost a bit, but touching them will cost you dearly.
50:40Brett took a lesson from the great El Farber and defied gravity.
50:45Oh!
50:46Nice.
50:47Nice.
50:47And while Joel forgot what his blue ball looked like, we'll never unlearn the sight of Grant
50:54Daniels.
50:56Give it up once more for our episode winner, Brett.
50:59Goodnight!
51:18Now the real fun begins.
51:20Oh!
51:21Five of the brightest...
51:22I don't get it!
51:23...most physically gifted comedians in Australia...
51:26Oh!
51:26All of whom have perfect hand-eye coordination...
51:30Oh!
51:31...will compete to win a prize...
51:33Huzzah!
51:34...by impressing me.
51:35Damn it!
51:36Hail Tom!
51:37Aren't you the taskmaster?
51:38Oh, you...
51:40Ah!
51:41You're not the taskmaster.
51:45Brett, just to confirm, I am the taskmaster!
51:47No taskmaster!
Comments