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00:28Transcribed by ESO, translated by —
00:31Honey, I'm home.
01:00Ladies, for those silky smooth legs that guys really love, try the new Episcale Leg Smoother.
01:07Oh, this really hurts.
01:10Yeah, but males love it.
01:13I want that.
01:14No, you don't.
01:16Want silky smooth legs?
01:17You don't want smooth legs. You're a boy.
01:20Oh.
01:21Then I want a machine gun.
01:26Oh, boy.
01:29Something wrong, dear?
01:32I got a C-plus on my astronomy test.
01:35Well, that's very nice, dear. That's a whole plus above your personal best.
01:38No, you don't understand, Mom. I overachieved.
01:42I'm above average now. My teachers noticed me.
01:45What did he say?
01:46It was horrible. He encouraged me.
01:48He's making me do an astronomy project for extra credit.
01:51Congratulations.
01:52Oh, you don't even get it.
01:54I did above average, and now I'm going to lose all my average friends.
02:00Now he wants me to make an extra credit model of the solar system.
02:03I'm sure you'll make a very nice solar system.
02:06Oh, yeah.
02:06And maybe you'll develop an interest in astronomy.
02:08Sure, great.
02:09So what if I do?
02:10I mean, who ever heard of a female astronomer?
02:12Even so, honey, it's important to be well-rounded.
02:15Oh, yeah. So when I'm cleaning up after my husband, I'll know where all the planets are.
02:20Huh?
02:20Good news, family.
02:21My life is over.
02:22Daddy's home early.
02:23What's the occasion?
02:24Oh, dead guy at work.
02:26Oh, my goodness. What happened?
02:28We pushed down trees for a living. You figure it out.
02:32Oh, Franny, have you seen my bowling ball?
02:35I get to fill a spot on the company team.
02:37It's in the closet.
02:38Oh, strike time.
02:41Hello, Fran.
02:42Hi, Monica.
02:44You look blue.
02:46Oh, I thought I had to buy her for the Shumway house.
02:48But he turned out to be a snake.
02:50And the banks don't give loans to snakes.
02:52You know their policy?
02:53No limbs, no loans.
02:55Gee, you were counting on that commission.
02:57What are you going to do?
02:58I guess I'll have to get another job until the market is better.
03:01So what are you looking for?
03:03Just something to tide me over.
03:05Something low-stress and mindless.
03:07Something any idiot can do.
03:09All right.
03:10Who filled in the holes in my bowling ball?
03:12Oh, never mind.
03:14Here's some more.
03:15Hey, Earl.
03:17Did they replace that poor fellow at work yet?
03:19Nah, not yet.
03:21Not until they dig his helmet out.
03:23Mmm.
03:24It's a job.
03:26Earl.
03:27Huh?
03:27Monica needs a job.
03:28And there's going to be an opening down at work.
03:31Right?
03:32Right.
03:32So?
03:33So?
03:35So?
03:36Fran, will you stop talking in riddles?
03:38I want you to take Monica to work with you and get her an interview with Mr. Richfield.
03:43A female tree pusher?
03:45You can't be serious.
03:47It's ludicrous.
03:49I'd be a laughing stock.
03:51Mr. Richfield?
03:52What?
03:53There's someone I'd like you to meet.
03:57Hmm.
03:58Well, you brought me a female, eh, Sinclair?
04:02Uh, well, I, uh...
04:04That's mighty nice, but I already got a wife.
04:06Nice jester, though.
04:08Oh, thank you, sir.
04:10But, uh, she's here for the, uh, tree pusher job.
04:17What?
04:18A female tree pusher?
04:20You can't be serious.
04:22It's ludicrous.
04:23You're a laughing stock.
04:25Just as I predicted.
04:28So shall I tell her to go away?
04:30Ah, it's too late now.
04:32We're an equal opportunity employer.
04:34We have strict guidelines about this sort of thing.
04:37We can't just send her away.
04:40Oh.
04:40Let me see.
04:41Ah, here it is.
04:42Interviewing a female applicant.
04:44Hmm.
04:45Smile a lot, compliment her handbag, then send her away.
04:48Oh, well, she can't ask for more than that.
04:51And then I passed the real estate exam with the highest score in my class.
04:54And sold a house my very first day on the job.
04:57Hmm.
04:57But now with a soft housing market, I must...
04:59My, that's a lovely handbag.
05:04Excuse me?
05:05I was just complimenting your handbag.
05:10I don't have a handbag.
05:12I don't have hands.
05:13Oh, well, uh, then, uh, let me compliment your lovely, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, neck!
05:22Small.
05:24Neck small.
05:25My, my, that's a lovely neck small.
05:29Thanks.
05:30Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
05:34Uh, sounds like a...
05:37Moron?
05:40Yeah?
05:41What?
05:43Necklace.
05:45Necklace! Necklace!
05:47My, that's a lovely necklace.
05:52Excuse me, but what does my necklace have to do with getting this job?
05:56It's just that you're such a dainty little thing and tree push requires such strength and a large degree of
06:03technical knowledge.
06:04I'm sure it's way over my head. But hypothetically, would I be knocking down trees like those outside?
06:12Ah, come on. I said you got a nice necklace. Now take it on out of here.
06:16Oh.
06:24When can you start?
06:26So you know I spot this pretty young thing in the supermarket, right?
06:29And I walk up to her and I say, hey, I'm no cashier, but you got at least two items
06:35that I'd like to check out.
06:37If you know what I mean.
06:42I don't get it.
06:44Don't you see, Roy? Harris has invented a new way to talk to the babes.
06:48Yeah, that's right.
06:50Everything he says has two meanings.
06:53Oh.
06:54Why?
06:55Look, on one level, you're having a nice little conversation with a sweet lovely.
07:00But on another level, you're saying something kind of, you know, sexual.
07:05That's why we call him Sexual Harris. Ba-da-boom!
07:08He's a linguistical pioneer.
07:11Yeah!
07:14I still don't get it.
07:15Guys, hey guys, I've got some bad news.
07:18Uh, Richfield's hired a female tree pusher.
07:22What? A female? Is he crazy?
07:24Yeah, hey, it's true.
07:26Not that I was there or had anything to do with it.
07:28I just, uh, her, you know?
07:31Mwah!
07:33Thanks for your help, Earl.
07:35What?
07:35Ah, you killed us, Earl.
07:37I'm supposed to report to Foreman Harris.
07:40That's me, little lady.
07:41Now, why don't you come with me and I'll show you how to take down trees.
07:45You push, I'll shove.
07:47If you catch my drift.
07:48Two meanings!
07:50Ha-ha!
07:50One, two!
07:56Well, that's not bad, but you left a few of the roots there, sweetheart.
08:03Now, if you want to get somewhere in this job, you gotta be willing to go all the way, if
08:08we're on the same track.
08:10I beg your pardon?
08:11Well, I'm just saying, if you want to make points with the foreman, it's gonna take a lot of late
08:16nights, if you hear what I'm saying.
08:19Let's just confine our comments to the job.
08:21Now, now, just relax, you're too tense.
08:24What do you say we go out for a few brews, and later on I'll jump on your scales, and
08:29you can tell me how much I weigh, if you know what I mean.
08:32No.
08:34What do you mean, no?
08:36I mean, no.
08:37I'm not interested.
08:39I find the things you talk about personally offensive, and I hope this doesn't interfere with my being able to
08:44work here.
08:45And that's when he fired me.
08:47Sometimes I think males are the lowest form of life.
08:50Mm-hmm.
08:51Oh, hi, Monica.
08:52Hey, quite a career you carved out for yourself.
08:55Almost a whole day.
08:56And only 65 years short of a pension, too.
08:59Earl, what happened to Monica was completely unfair.
09:02There must be some way she could get her job back.
09:05No, there is not.
09:06Oh, come on, Earl.
09:08There must be something she could do.
09:10Oh, no, no, no.
09:11There's nothing.
09:11And even if there was, there wouldn't be.
09:16Oh.
09:17Um, you thought I was asking about Monica.
09:19No, it's for my cousin, Monty, who works for We Say So.
09:26The Southern Branch.
09:27Oh, well, why didn't you tell me that?
09:30Just tell Monty that if he was unjustly fired, he can request a hearing from the Corporate Board of Grievances.
09:36A hearing?
09:38Oh, what's the point?
09:40No female's ever going to get a fair shake in this male-dominated society.
09:44Thanks a lot, Mom.
09:45I took your advice and I made a model of the solar system.
09:48I mean, I actually enjoyed doing it.
09:50For once I thought I was good at something in school.
09:52I thought my life was changing and then the boys in my class ate it.
09:58Charlene, I'm sure the teacher appreciated your effort.
10:01They ate it before he saw it.
10:03Oh, it was a real solar system with planets and the sun.
10:09And the boys said that I'm a female and I shouldn't stick my nose in the universe where it doesn't
10:14belong.
10:15The boys were jealous.
10:17I'm going to forget about astronomy and just shop.
10:20You know, if we continue to let males intimidate us, we females will never get the chances we deserve.
10:26Oh, yeah? Like I'm going to change the world?
10:30Well, maybe you and I can't change the whole world, Charlene. But we've got to start somewhere.
10:35Yeah?
10:35Fran?
10:36Yes?
10:36Just get Mr. Richfield on the phone. I want a hearing.
10:46We interrupt our regular programming to bring you coverage of this special hearing because it's sure to be titillating and
10:52it cost us next to nothing.
10:54I'm Howard Handupme, reporting live from the We Say So corporate hearing room.
10:59Today, board members will determine whether Monica DeVertebrae was unjustly fired for refusing to date Foreman Al Sexual Harris.
11:07Order!
11:09And as I see, committee chairman B.P. Richfield has gaveled the hearing to order.
11:13Order!
11:14Let's watch.
11:15Shut up!
11:16Now, I want to make one thing clear right from the start.
11:19Our only purpose at these proceedings is to find the truth.
11:24Nobody is on trial here.
11:26I object.
11:27Sustained.
11:28All right, okay, only the female is on trial.
11:31But I'm going to conduct it in an orderly fashion.
11:33And let me remind the board that just because we're on TV, I'm not going to put up with any
11:39grandstanding or personal agendas.
11:42I concur with Mr. Chairman Richfield.
11:44As I said to my brother Jim, honest Jim's used cars, we must put personal agendas aside, especially during the
11:52week of honest Jim's bumper-to-bumper blowout bonanza.
11:56Thank you, Mr. Dixon.
11:58All right, let's get started.
12:02Mr. Vertebrae, please step up to the witness table.
12:06State your full name and tell us what happened on the date in question.
12:10Before I start, I'd just like to say that I'm grateful to the We Say So Corporation for granting me
12:15a fair hearing.
12:16I have over a hundred witnesses that'll testify that for the past 22 years, you have in fact been a
12:24prostitute!
12:25I have not!
12:26Oh, sorry, my mistake.
12:28Everyone hear the word prostitute?
12:30I can't believe they use that kind of language on television.
12:35Don't they know that kids are watching?
12:37Mother, this is an important real-life event.
12:40It'll make the kids think.
12:41I don't want the kids to think.
12:43I want the kids to watch safe little situation comedies with time-tested repetitive storylines.
12:52So I asked him to stop saying those kinds of things, but he persisted.
12:56Excuse me, but do you really expect us to believe you can remember exactly what happened almost ten years ago?
13:05It was Tuesday.
13:07My mistake. Please go on.
13:08Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
13:13DNN's special coverage of the Sexual Harris hearings continues.
13:16Please continue with your testimony.
13:18And then it was quitting time, and he said the strangest thing to me.
13:22He said, and I quote,
13:24I'll jump on your scales, and you can tell me how much I weigh.
13:32Well, um, uh, well, uh, it seems clear to me that we need to determine what Sexual Harris meant.
13:39I think that purpose can best be served by opening the floor to questions.
13:43Ah, let's begin with my esteemed colleague, Mr, uh, Wolf.
13:48You're obviously a very attractive female.
13:51Could you, uh, please describe for us what you were wearing at the time of the incident?
13:56Was it, uh, seductive or revealing?
14:01It was a hard hat and a work shirt.
14:03And I don't appreciate the insinuation that I somehow asked for this kind of behavior.
14:08I'm insinuating no such thing.
14:11Now, could you please describe for us in detail what, uh, kind of underwear you have on at the moment?
14:17I don't understand how that's relevant.
14:20Well, ma'am, if you understood the relevancy of it, you'd be a male.
14:29I don't see why Monica's putting herself through this.
14:32Couldn't she just find another job?
14:34You're missing the whole point.
14:35Monica's fighting against injustice, struggling for the rights of females everywhere.
14:40Yeah? Write a song about it.
14:42Look, sweet cheeks, isn't this whole thing just part of some twisted sexual fantasy of yours?
14:48A fantasy that might also include being alone on a deserted island?
14:53Yes, yes.
14:54One with scores of skinly-clad young females and they're smearing marmalade all over you and...
15:00Mr. Dixon!
15:02Could I have a moment, please?
15:05Ah, I see.
15:06Mr. Heifer, would you like to take over the questioning?
15:10Well, yes.
15:12I would.
15:14Here we go.
15:15All right.
15:17I'd like...
15:19Cancel my tennis lesson.
15:22To, um...
15:24To go...
15:26Back...
15:30To the, um...
15:37To the beginning...
15:41To the beginning...
15:41To the beginning...
15:41Of your...
15:45Testimony.
15:47Ah!
15:48Ah!
15:49Thank you!
15:49Thank you!
15:50Thank you!
15:50Oh!
15:51I'm Mr. Lackey!
15:54I'd just like to say.
15:56I think that you've been treated very poorly.
15:59And I applaud your courage for coming forward.
16:04But I think you're a tramp.
16:06I am deeply offended by these attacks on my character.
16:10At no time did I ever lie, exaggerate, or fantasize.
16:16And I say shame on all of you
16:18for your disrespectful, backward opinions about females everywhere.
16:24Ooh. What do you mean?
16:27She shows a lot of sincerity in class.
16:29We gotta discredit her. Know anyone?
16:32Sinclair! In here now!
16:35Ow!
16:39Hey! Hey! Hey!
16:41You called, sir?
16:42Sinclair, we need you to testify.
16:44But I don't know what to say.
16:45Ah, just say whatever comes into your mind.
16:48Here's what's gonna come into your mind.
16:51And let me conclude by saying that Foreman Harris is a great guy.
16:55Monica's been a troublemaker as long as I've known her,
16:58and I'm pretty sure she cheats on her taxes.
17:00Stop here, look up, smile.
17:03Thank you for your candor, Mr. Sinclair.
17:06Oh, yeah, and another thing.
17:08I don't see why she ever needed the job.
17:10A female's place is in the home, taking orders from her husband.
17:14In the Sinclair household, when I say jump,
17:17my wife says, how high?
17:21High!
17:23I came down here today because I just think someone should testify on Monica's behalf.
17:28Well, it's only fair that all sides of this issue are fully explored.
17:33Please take up to a minute.
17:36I've listened on TV to what you've said about Monica,
17:39and it's not the Monica I know.
17:40She's an honest, responsible individual who would never mislead anybody.
17:45And we'd like to believe your testimony, Mrs. Sinclair.
17:48However, I have information that when you were just a young girl,
17:52you lived with this older man,
17:55without benefit of marriage.
17:58That's my father.
18:02All the more disgusting.
18:04Friend, is this true?
18:06Are you all insane?
18:08Oh, it gets worse, Mrs. Sinclair.
18:11I also have a picture of you sitting on his lap.
18:15Let's see.
18:17Oh.
18:19We now continue with this DNN special report,
18:22What Sexual Harris Meant.
18:23Let's move on to the statements from the other co-workers.
18:27Well, I always thought of Harris as a swell guy,
18:30but he shouldn't have asked her out on the job.
18:33Why not?
18:33Because I've seen her first.
18:35So you find her attractive,
18:37and therefore couldn't blame Harris for asking her out.
18:40Well, no.
18:42I mean, yes.
18:43I mean, I know Harris,
18:45and I don't think he would have done anything wrong.
18:47And I know Monica,
18:49and I don't think she would have ever lied.
18:51So, therefore,
18:54the...
18:55I have a stomachache.
18:57Can I lie down?
18:59I speak on behalf of the rest of the guys.
19:02Harris never asked any of us out.
19:04The way I see it,
19:06anybody who consistently bowls over 200
19:08could never do such a thing.
19:10As this remarkable proceeding winds to a close,
19:13everyone awaits the testimony of Al Sexual Harris.
19:16In the meantime,
19:18let's get the results of our latest DNN news poll.
19:21Percentage of Bangeans who believe Monica to vertebrae?
19:2418.
19:25Percentage of angry, resentful males
19:27who fail to get dates in high school
19:28and somehow blame Monica?
19:3163.
19:32Percentage of self-loathing, insecure females
19:34who want to see successful females fail
19:36so that everyone else can be as miserable as they are?
19:4082.
19:41Order!
19:42Order!
19:43I see Sexual Harris has just been sworn in.
19:46Let's go to his testimony.
19:48Mr. Harris,
19:49please tell us in your own words
19:51that you did not say these things to Mr. Vertebrae.
19:53I said them.
19:57Did you fire her for not going out with you?
20:02Uh, yeah.
20:03But it seems to me she's just not qualified
20:06to do the job anyway.
20:07Of course, I've got another kind of job for her,
20:10if you know what I mean.
20:13Meaning!
20:15Yep.
20:18Well, it's clear what this whole thing's about.
20:21Your behavior was unprofessional and uncalled for.
20:25Yeah.
20:27But when it's done with this kind of wit and style,
20:30it's all in good fun.
20:32Ha-ha!
20:32Mm-hmm.
20:33And you should lighten up, toots.
20:34Yeah, lighten up.
20:35Case dismissed!
20:36Yes!
20:37There you go.
20:38Thank you, guys.
20:38You have a statement, Mr. Richfield.
20:40Mr. Richfield, you have a statement.
20:42Yes, sir.
20:43Well, there are no real winners in a situation like this.
20:47But we must put it behind us.
20:50Now is the time for healing.
20:53Ah!
20:53Right in my eyes!
20:54You're too idiotic!
20:55We are males, hear us roar.
20:58We are macho dinosaurs.
21:01And we're way too smug to care who we offend.
21:06Ha-ha-ha!
21:08Yeah.
21:10Hey, sweet thing.
21:11No hard feelings, if you see where I'm going.
21:13Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
21:15I have a feeling for you, if you know what I mean.
21:21Hmm.
21:22Hmm.
21:23I wonder what she meant by that.
21:25Huh?
21:38So if you had it to do all over again would you I don't know I'd like to think
21:45that it accomplished something but I just can't say what hey look I got an A in
21:50my solar system it was the best one in class oh I'm very impressed honey thanks
21:57what made you go ahead with your project well you inspired me oh you know watching
22:03them turn you into a tart on national TV well it got me to thinking males are
22:07never gonna give us great jobs like tree pusher or astronomer we're gonna have to
22:11take them take my word for it honey it won't be easy I know but I think we can
22:18get males to treat us like equals we're an advanced society how long could this
22:22possibly take
22:49so
23:22We're right back.
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