- 5 hours ago
Taskmaster Season 5 Episode 1
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TVTranscript
00:17Hello and welcome to a brand new season of Taskmaster Australia. I'm Tom Gleeson and I'm back baby.
00:24I've spent the off-season honing my mental physique and mastering my ability to be exceedingly judgmental
00:30in a way that only 75% of people would agree with. Also, I can watch five comedians attempt to
00:36impress me
00:37and walk away with a magnificent prize so rare there's only four of them for sale on Gumtree.
00:43A golden replica of my lustrous head.
00:50This week and every week we will be joined by Anissa Nandala.
00:55Brett Blake, Celia Perthola, Joe Tracy and Kurt's very own Roe McManus.
01:05And at my loyal side, the man who in the off-season somehow got his naughty bits stuck in the
01:11eye of a fidget spinner.
01:12It's Lesser Tom Cashman.
01:18It's not my fault, it was a design flaw.
01:22All right, it's time for the prize task.
01:25That's right, our first task is a prize task. Each of our contestants have brought in a prize.
01:28The best prize, as judged by the Taskmaster, will receive five points, second best four points and so on.
01:32And the winner of tonight's episode will take home all five prizes.
01:35Tonight, our contestants have been asked to bring in what they consider to be the object most likely to satisfy
01:40the Taskmaster
01:40if he were to crush it in his hand.
01:44All right, Anissa, what satisfyingly crushable object have you brought in?
01:48Well, I thought in this economy it's very difficult to maintain steady work,
01:52so I thought something that would satisfy you to crush would be the careers of your competitors.
02:04I like where you're going, but I think at the moment they're crushing their own careers, aren't they?
02:09Also, Ro, does it hurt you not to be up there?
02:11I'm excited.
02:12All right, Brett, what have you brought in?
02:14I know what your biggest beef is, and it's been, you know, all over the news and media.
02:17You have a big beef with Grant Denyer.
02:19So, I have got a mould of Grant Denyer's balls.
02:28And the best part is, that's actually a mould of his balls.
02:32Check this out.
02:39Couldn't it be great just to put your hands down there, grab his balls and go,
02:42deal or no deal, Grant?
02:45Right, Celia, what have you got?
02:49I brought something that is undeniably a pleasant thing for anybody to crush in their hand, physically.
02:54And then I thought of something that you personally would like to crush.
02:57A potato chip with Tom Cashman's dreams written on it.
03:06Wouldn't that be nice?
03:08Yeah, crushing the Pringle on its own would be very satisfying,
03:10but knowing that it had Cashman's dreams in there.
03:13I'm like, that's never going to happen either.
03:14So, I just...
03:16But it's a slippery slope, though, because for me, once a pop, I can't stop.
03:19LAUGHTER
03:21Right, Joel.
03:23Well, I was trying to impress the Taskmaster.
03:25We both clearly hate the sun, so therefore hate sand,
03:29because, you know, that gets in all the cracks and very hard to get out.
03:32And so I have built a sandcastle with the most crushable thing on it,
03:37Tom Cashman's face.
03:40LAUGHTER
03:44Wow.
03:45That looks like the face I make when I find out I'm not getting a girlfriend.
03:49Right, Rove, what did you bring in?
03:50I took something that I have myself that I love to crush on a regular basis.
03:57It's this piece of cheese that when you crush it, this happens...
04:03..a little mouse comes out.
04:05LAUGHTER
04:06And it is thoroughly satisfying.
04:11The mouse is very cute, it's coming out of the cheese,
04:13but I grew up on a farm.
04:14We had a mouse plague, and I'm traumatised by mice.
04:17So, one point to Rove.
04:18Then I'm going to...
04:19What else am I going to go for?
04:20I have a pretend feud with Denya
04:21and a pretend feud with Peter Hellyer.
04:23They're actually good friends of mine.
04:25So I'm going to give two points to Brett
04:26and three points to Anissa.
04:28But I have a genuine feud with you, you s***head.
04:31LAUGHTER
04:32LAUGHTER
04:36So I'm going to give Joel four points,
04:38but five points to Celia because, you know...
04:40CHEERING
04:42Oh, my God.
04:43All right, that's enough piss-farting about.
04:46I'm ready for a first task.
04:47The first task for Season 5.
04:49You've got it.
04:50Call us Philosophy 101.
04:50We're about to prevent death with a trolley problem.
04:53MUSIC
05:05Hello, Tom.
05:07Hello, Thomas.
05:08Hey.
05:09I like your place.
05:15Hi, Rove.
05:16Oh, hi, Tom.
05:17Dude, is that your car?
05:18That's sick.
05:19Bunch of eggs in a trolley.
05:21I'm not surprised.
05:22You don't look that excited to see me, Tom.
05:24You don't think?
05:25Not at all.
05:26You're going to be like this the whole time.
05:28Like what?
05:29Like this.
05:30I guess.
05:31We could be friends.
05:33Are you still doing comedy?
05:34Am I still doing comedy?
05:35Yeah.
05:36You're just doing this.
05:37This is comedy.
05:39May I?
05:39Please.
05:41OK.
05:42I've ruined the card already.
05:43Here we go.
05:44Send these passengers on the safest yet speediest journey down the drive.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:48You may not touch the passengers.
05:51The vehicle may only be moved by shoves.
05:54With one shove allowed every 30 seconds.
05:58For any deceased passengers, you must hold a meaningful memorial before proceeding.
06:03A bonus point will be given for best memorialiser.
06:06Fastest wins.
06:08The time starts now.
06:10I'm so sorry, but some of you aren't going to make it.
06:16Just before we get started, I'm going to say I'm so glad I didn't get that driveway resealed.
06:21Because that gravel is going to be an absolute bastard.
06:25So whose eggs are we going to murder first?
06:27Well, you can't break eggs without breaking a few eggs.
06:29It's Anissa, Celia and Roe.
06:32All right, you guys.
06:33Are you with me?
06:34Who feels safe?
06:37Be free, my little passengers.
06:39Look at them go.
06:40This is great.
06:41Never going to win unless I try.
06:43F***.
06:45F***.
06:46F***.
06:47F***.
06:48Oh, no.
06:50We lost one.
06:51Oh, but she's still going.
06:52Go, you little ribbons.
06:54Oh, I'm really happy with this.
06:55I'm really happy with this.
06:57Oh, no.
06:59Oh, it's carnage.
07:00Oh, no.
07:01Oh, no.
07:03Dearly beloved.
07:04We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of some dear friends of mine.
07:12To the earth you return.
07:16I'm Muslim.
07:17I don't know why I did that.
07:18Oh, no.
07:19Captain Boyle.
07:20He stole from the rich and gave to the poor.
07:23And we will miss him.
07:24I don't think that one was dead.
07:25Oh, f***.
07:26I lied.
07:26He's a pedophile.
07:28Let's go for broke.
07:36That wasn't worth it.
07:38That was quite a good one.
07:39Oh, no.
07:39They're all dead.
07:40Tom.
07:41I'm going to miss you guys.
07:42This one was a bit of a dick, but we're sad that you died anyway.
07:50What's this for?
07:52Dude, it's a pyre.
07:53You know how it works.
07:54In post-effects, we could add flames.
07:57Oh, stand back.
07:59Tom, don't get burnt from the fire.
08:01Here we go.
08:05I should have been there.
08:06I should have cared for you.
08:08I should have nurtured you.
08:11Great.
08:12Finish line is in science.
08:13I'm just going for it.
08:14I believe in all of you, okay?
08:15Do you trust me?
08:17Let's go.
08:18He's crossed the line.
08:21Oh, look at this angel who didn't leak when I gave her a hug at all.
08:25No, she's fine.
08:26They're all fine, Tom.
08:28In fact, I'm just going to keep them with me because they're all alive and fine.
08:32Are some of them dead too?
08:33No.
08:33Thanks, Tom.
08:35Thanks, Celia.
08:35Bye.
08:43So, Celia, how many memorials have you been to where, after the tribute, they throw the body away?
08:49Well, you don't keep them.
08:50Yeah.
08:51They're all dicks.
08:52They're a bunch of egg dicks, and I'm glad they're dead.
08:55Yeah, you abused them in several different ways.
08:58What were you calling the eggs?
08:59I don't know.
09:00One of them, oh, I won't repeat it.
09:02I'll repeat it.
09:03Celia accused one of them of being a pedophile.
09:07So, Anissa, you said to one of the eggs in your heartfelt tribute, I should have been there.
09:13Um, you were there.
09:16I feel like I should have been there intellectually because I wasn't thinking.
09:20I don't know why I pushed it that hard.
09:22I genuinely could not think of another way to do it other than that.
09:25You know?
09:26Right?
09:27Are you trying to throw to the next segment?
09:32I'll do the twists and turns, thank you.
09:36Now, Rove, how did you feel about the fire that was added in post there?
09:39Oh, it was really good, and I'll tell you all about it after the break.
09:44No?
09:46I was quite impressed by it.
09:48That's what I expected my biking funeral to be like.
09:51All right.
09:51Now, Tom, what's your favourite part of this task?
09:53Yeah, probably the second line of the task.
09:55Oh, right.
09:55And what was that?
09:56You may not touch the passengers in any way.
09:59I can't touch them.
10:01Nope.
10:01Oh, no, Captain Boyle.
10:03We will miss you.
10:04I don't think that one was dead.
10:05Oh, f***.
10:06That was Jasmine.
10:07Okay.
10:10F***.
10:10I touched it.
10:11I touched it.
10:12So, what is...
10:13Can I put it back?
10:13So, Carl's going into space.
10:16Oh.
10:19Please don't throw the eggs at the camera, people.
10:25Can I touch them now?
10:26What do you mean, now?
10:28I wasn't touching them, though, for...
10:34So, this means they're all disqualified.
10:36That's right, yeah.
10:38Rove touched an egg twice.
10:39Anissa touched an egg 31 times.
10:43Celia touched an egg 40 times.
10:45I love it!
10:46I just love touching eggs, okay?
10:48I'll have a problem.
10:51All right, well, let's take a break.
10:52We'll be back soon to see if any of our contestants
10:54aren't disqualified.
10:56We'll see you after this.
11:07Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
11:09If you've just joined us, you're late,
11:11and I'm very disappointed.
11:13What were we doing, Tom?
11:14Our contestants are shoving a trolley full of eggs
11:16down a driveway as fast as they can,
11:17and they're not allowed to touch eggs.
11:19So far, our contestants have touched so many eggs.
11:22All right, it's just a simple task.
11:24Fastest wins.
11:25Fastest wins.
11:26Up next, it's all the king's men.
11:27Can they end what can only be described
11:29as an egg-touching extravaganza?
11:31It's Joel Creasy and Brett Blake.
11:32I'm not very strong.
11:34Am I allowed to drive that car?
11:36Jump in.
11:37Let's go.
11:38I can use anything, right?
11:42What if I got on me?
11:43I'm staying here?
11:44Yeah, you're staying here.
11:46If I tie this, I'm sort of shut,
11:48and then I can sort of pull it back.
11:49Well, what if I, like, put something over the top
11:51to pat it?
11:56I'm not touching them.
11:57Go to sleep, little eggs.
12:00What's that for?
12:01A ramp, dickhead.
12:02Let's go.
12:07There are no deceased passengers.
12:08Yes.
12:10Oh, that's a shit ramp.
12:13Shove.
12:16I reckon I've nailed this.
12:18I feel like this is a shove.
12:20That's a shove.
12:22That's a shove.
12:24There's one deceased passenger.
12:26F***.
12:29There is one deceased passenger.
12:31We've travelled all this way.
12:33And you are just a bit too weak.
12:35And that's life, isn't it?
12:36That's the memorial?
12:37It's nicer than what I said at my grandma's funeral.
12:40You need to sing the national anthem.
12:42Go.
12:43You want me to do it?
12:45Yeah, well, I'm f***ing doing this.
12:46Go.
12:47Come on.
12:49Australians, oh, let us rejoice.
12:54Oh, ho, ho, ho.
12:59Oh, ho, ho, ho.
13:07There's five deceased passengers.
13:08I feel like this is what the eggs would have wanted.
13:11You know what I mean?
13:12And if you could keep singing that national anthem as well, I think that will help.
13:16We've got the flag there.
13:18Maybe a burnout.
13:19Oh, we are young and free-range eggs.
13:24We're golden foil and loving, loving, loving oil.
13:29Our home is good.
13:31The eggs would want me to win.
13:35Oh.
13:39There's an additional deceased passenger.
13:45Can you skip?
13:48Oh, there you go.
13:52Yay!
13:58Great work, Brett.
14:00I think you did really well.
14:01I especially like the we are young and free-range.
14:04Range.
14:05I love how I'm the only person on the panel who's dyslexic, but I managed to read Do Not
14:10Touch the Eggs.
14:11I liked your memorials, too, that you gave.
14:14I think they were very good.
14:15But I feel like at a Bogan memorial, you should have been wearing wraparound sunnies.
14:18Yeah.
14:19There wasn't enough props, but I had a ramp.
14:20I got the van involved.
14:22I think I started using the van too much that the safety coordinator on set started hiding
14:27vehicles from me.
14:28So it did not go well.
14:30Tom had some fun, though.
14:32Well, I felt like I was in danger more than this.
14:36Danger, electric, excitement.
14:37It's all the same, dude.
14:39All right, Joel.
14:40Yes.
14:40I thought you were being a bit hard on yourself when you were saying that you weren't that
14:43strong, but then I saw your effort and I thought it was about accurate.
14:48I don't know what I was planning with the rope because it didn't do anything.
14:53I did enjoy the memorials, though, because I've been planning my funeral forever.
14:58I can't wait.
14:59I honestly can't wait.
15:00What was your plan?
15:00Open casket with my eyes glued open, right?
15:03So I can look into the eyes of my enemies just one last time.
15:07Yeah.
15:07Joel, would you like to hear more about your plan for your funeral?
15:10Glinda and El Farber from Wicked will sing for good.
15:13El Farber?
15:14El Farber?
15:15El Farber?
15:16El Farber.
15:16El Farber?
15:17I'm not a musical guy.
15:19Hush your dirty mouth.
15:20You don't want to retake that because they're going to come to you, Tom.
15:24Do not retake that.
15:25No.
15:26If I don't get to go back and untouch eggs, you do not get a second cracker.
15:32Luke, I am your El Farber.
15:34No.
15:35No, no, no.
15:36No, no, no.
15:37Give him a break.
15:38Give him a break.
15:39Tom, you know.
15:40You know.
15:40You're joking.
15:41You know the Wizard of Oz.
15:42Right?
15:44To be fair, we should just do a pick-up of you saying El Farber because otherwise fans
15:48of musical theatre will be coming at you.
15:51Oh, no.
15:53Joel, Joel, I don't think he's seen what Joe's hand's coming.
15:55I was going to say, we'll rip your throat out.
15:58We're coming at you.
15:59We're coming at you.
16:01Better run, better run.
16:06I'm sorry you had to sing that side of me, Tom.
16:09Woo.
16:12You're not supposed to enjoy this show this much, but anyway.
16:14What I was trying to allude to when I was describing what Joel told me about his funeral
16:18is that we did a lot of talking during that task.
16:20Right.
16:21Joel took 37 minutes and 22 seconds.
16:24Brett's decision to use the van means his time was just 10 minutes and 8 seconds.
16:31So that means zero points for the first three contestants, Anissa, Celia and Rove, all
16:35disqualified.
16:36Four points for Joel and five points for Brett.
16:40Finally, you need to choose the best memorialiser.
16:43Oh, that's easy.
16:44Brett Blake.
16:44Okay, six points for Brett Blake.
16:46Yeah, Brett.
16:46Thanks.
16:48Okay, and one of the scores for the episode so far.
16:50Out in front, it's a tie at the moment.
16:52Brett and Joel both on eight points.
16:53Oh, nice.
16:57All right.
16:59I'm ready for another task.
17:00This next task is about middle names, but I'll never tell you mine.
17:03Discretion is my middle name.
17:05Oh, wait.
17:06No.
17:19Tom Cashman with the iPad in the study.
17:24Bonjour.
17:25Hi, Joel.
17:26Please choose a word.
17:27Oh.
17:28What, choose one that's hanging?
17:29They all describe me.
17:31Darren.
17:31Technically a name, but that's all right.
17:33I'll go with kill.
17:34Chaos.
17:35Wizard.
17:35Danger.
17:36I choose Darren.
17:37You're choosing Darren?
17:38Yeah.
17:40Oh, no.
17:42I'm cool.
17:44You're like Eddie Scissorhands.
17:47Totally broke that one.
17:48Now, do I read the thing?
17:49Yes, Liz.
17:50Okay.
17:53Why?
17:54The word you just selected is your new middle name.
17:59Live up to it.
18:00I should have gone with sexy.
18:02Most lived up to middle name wins.
18:04You have 25 minutes to time straight down.
18:06I mean, obviously Danger's my middle name.
18:08I win.
18:08I should just get points for choosing the correct one.
18:10Like, what would you do?
18:11Because you're very cool.
18:12Like, what would a cool person?
18:13Like, I'm asking a cool person.
18:14What would they do?
18:15I'm not going to answer because I suspect you're being sarcastic.
18:17This is effed up, but I know someone called Darren.
18:20He proposes to his missus in a Maccas.
18:22I won't be allowed to light things on fire, will I?
18:24Let's do it, and let's wait to see what happens if I get yelled at.
18:27Cool.
18:28Cool.
18:29I want to physically get cool.
18:30I think I have to be the dangerous thing.
18:32So I'm going to be sharp and hot and, like, have rabies.
18:39I'm off to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
18:43Do you mean the generic school for magic?
18:45Tom, I'm off to a nameless school of witchcraft and wizardry.
18:50Grab everything.
18:51Grab the cameras.
18:52Let's go.
18:55So, Anissa, what drew you to Darren?
18:58Just an opportunity to make fun of white guys.
19:02So, like, how would you describe Darren as an emotion?
19:06Oh, yeah, nah.
19:10Bam.
19:11Nailed it.
19:13OK, Tom, I'm ready to see some people embody their new middle names.
19:17Who have we got first?
19:17He chose the word chaos.
19:18He's furious.
19:19He didn't choose sexy.
19:20It's Brett, Chaos, Blake.
19:21Ah, your time's up now, Tomina.
19:24No one's going to save you.
19:26Oh, my God.
19:30It's Brett, sexy Blake.
19:32No!
19:36F***.
19:38F***.
19:39F***.
19:39F***.
19:40F***.
19:42F***.
19:43F***.
19:44F***.
19:44F***.
19:45F***.
19:45F***.
19:46F***.
19:47F***.
19:48F***.
19:48F***.
19:50F***.
19:50F***.
19:50F***.
19:51F***.
19:55F***.
19:56F***.
19:57F***.
20:02F***.
20:09F***.
20:11F***.
20:12F***.
20:13F***.
20:13F***.
20:15F***.
20:16F***.
20:19F***.
20:20F***.
20:20F***.
20:21F***.
20:21F***.
20:23See you next time.
20:24You're not going to let me out of the chains?
20:25No.
20:28Okay, so, did you forget which word you chose?
20:33You chose chaos, but then you came out on the bike and it said sexy, and you were sexy.
20:38But they were just feelings you were feeling when you saw that.
20:40Yeah.
20:41You were like, are that sexy?
20:42I went with chaos, sexy, and danger.
20:44I kind of got lost in it a bit.
20:45I think the character was Captain Chaos, and then I was playing someone called maybe Mr. Sexy or Cool, or
20:52Darren, and maybe Darren, and then he saves Tom from Captain Chaos.
20:59Not Tom.
21:00Not, who are you?
21:03Tamina.
21:04Oh, that's right.
21:05I gave you a girl's name and I put a wig on you.
21:07That's funny.
21:08It looked like a tutorial for when you get inducted into being a lesbian.
21:12That's what I thought I was watching.
21:14Well, ironically, a lot of that stuff came from Bunnings, so it makes sense.
21:17Alright, we're up to the middle name of any broadcast TV show.
21:21The ads.
21:22Back soon.
21:32Hello, and welcome back to the first episode of Taskmaster Season 5.
21:37How exciting.
21:38You're witnessing the series right at its peak.
21:40And from this sentence, we're phoning it in.
21:43Where were we, Tom?
21:44Our comedians are trying to live up to their new middle name.
21:46Up next, it's Anissa Darren Nandola and Joel Cool Creasy.
21:51Hi there.
21:51Could I please have a hash brown and an apple pie?
21:54No, I'll get a full meal, love.
21:55Get a full f***ing meal.
21:56Because today is a real special day.
22:00Do you want to have an ice bath with me?
22:02I love you, since I laid eyes on you at the pokies.
22:06Beautiful.
22:06Beautiful spot.
22:07This is so cool.
22:08The way you scream,
22:09Oh, man, my heart race.
22:14Cool.
22:15See?
22:15Oh, my God.
22:19I've even got these very cool glasses to really hammer the point home.
22:25Would you please be my locally wedded wife?
22:28It makes me...
22:29You've kind of already put it on.
22:30Let me bloody finish, love.
22:32Okay.
22:32You want me to get in?
22:33I think you should.
22:34I think there's enough space.
22:35You didn't tell me to change.
22:36Yeah.
22:37Perfect.
22:38Do you want to be Mrs. Anissa-sanial Darren Nandola?
22:41I do.
22:42I refresh you.
22:46Get the large.
22:47Get the large.
22:48I'll have fries as well.
22:52Done.
22:54Enjoy the view.
23:01This is based on a true story, right?
23:02This is based off of a Darren that I know.
23:04Okay.
23:04So how's Darren's relationship going now?
23:07He's divorced.
23:09Now, you're from Queensland.
23:11Yes.
23:11You didn't choose to live like Darren Lockyer.
23:13He's a rugby player.
23:16I notice I'm being very careful because I don't want my citizenship revoked.
23:21Rugby player?
23:22Rugby league player.
23:23Oh, okay.
23:24I don't know what that means.
23:28He's a Queensland legend.
23:30Okay.
23:33So, Joel, was this task for you a bit tricky?
23:35Because to start with, you're already quite cool.
23:37Oh, I thought I'd give myself a challenge and try and be cool.
23:40Yeah, but I reckon you are already cool.
23:43You're on commercial radio.
23:45When I hang out with you, you're always very witty, well-dressed.
23:47You know, you're always often drinking a very fancy drink.
23:50I look at it and think, what's Joel drinking?
23:51I wouldn't mind having that because he's cool.
23:53Do you need money or something?
23:55No, I'm just saying.
24:02But the problem is, I think you started the task cool, but then you ended it not cool.
24:06Why?
24:06You finished in a bathtub with Tom Cashman.
24:09Not cool.
24:11You're telling me I was in there with him.
24:13And I could tell it was very cool.
24:17Let's just say my balls are smaller than Grant Denny's.
24:21All right, Cashman, I'm ready for another.
24:23Uppus Nexotus.
24:24It's Rove Wizard McManus.
24:26Oh, God.
24:32Broomie, it's time to fly.
24:34Up.
24:36Come on, Broomie.
24:37We've got to save the day.
24:39The evil wizard, uh, i-board is coming to stop us.
24:44Let's go.
24:46Ah, ah.
24:47My scar's hurting.
24:49Like that.
24:50Ah.
24:51That must mean that...
24:53What was his name again?
24:54I-id-id-i-board or something like this.
24:56Ah, no.
24:57Here he comes.
25:03Well, well, well.
25:05If it isn't Rove Wizard McManus.
25:09Evil wizard Voldyboard.
25:11Not evil.
25:12Evil wizard id-i-board.
25:14I knew it was you.
25:15Oh, really?
25:17Well, what if I was to tell you?
25:19It was me that killed your parents, you dumb kid.
25:23No, kill us villainous.
25:29Sparks come out of it.
25:30Cool effects.
25:31Oh, no.
25:33You got me.
25:35Rove Wizard McManus.
25:37Then I'll be back if there's a sequel.
25:44Flames.
25:44Flames.
25:45Yeah.
25:46That's what you get for being a dick.
25:49All a simple day in the life.
25:51For me, Rove the Wizard McManus.
25:54Although my parents are still dead.
25:57Rob, Rob.
26:01Oh, very emotional.
26:04They are.
26:04There you go.
26:05To some of our younger viewers who are just tuning in, you might be surprised to find out
26:09that Rove actually used to be a really big deal.
26:17What was that about, Rove?
26:19It was magic.
26:21Yeah, I was watching it thinking it was about to magically become entertainment.
26:27There's no trick for that, as we well know, Tom.
26:30Were you Griffin bored?
26:33Yeah, boy!
26:36Shut up, Malfoy.
26:39You know!
26:40Check out these Dumbledorks.
26:43I don't get it.
26:44Who gives a shit?
26:45I'm a regular Hufflepuff.
26:51Hey, Tom, you can just probably go straight to the points.
26:57Who have we got next, Casboy?
27:00I think she might actually have rabies and has found a way to work it into the show.
27:05It's Celia Danger-Pakola.
27:18Oh.
27:20Oh.
27:21Bro!
27:22Get?
27:23I see you really ran with the rabies idea.
27:24Yes, a little bit.
27:26Not just that.
27:26This is a pot filled with boiling water with a handle sticking out.
27:29It's incredibly dangerous.
27:30And this is an open flame, Tom.
27:32Oh, no.
27:33And scissors.
27:34Oh.
27:34And I can't help but notice the, um...
27:35Yes, because I have unprotected sex, and I'm a man, and I have a cactus penis.
27:39Okay.
27:39But I'm also a bear, and I'm also a woman who knows what she wants.
27:43All very dangerous things.
27:45I feel like I've nailed this brief.
27:47I will say good day to you, sir.
27:48Good day.
27:51Yeah.
27:54Yeah.
27:55Yeah.
27:56So, can you talk us through all the dangerous things you did?
27:59Because there was a lot there.
28:00There was a lot.
28:00My first thought was swords, and I had rabies, and I had scissors, and I had my PIN number, and
28:05my home address, and my mobile phone number.
28:08You had more than that.
28:08What else did I have?
28:09Oh, yeah.
28:10These are things written on your suit.
28:11Yeah.
28:11I'm a man.
28:12Yeah.
28:13I'm a bear.
28:14Yeah.
28:14I have a snake.
28:16I have worms.
28:17I answer unknown numbers.
28:19My password is easy to guess, and my shoelaces are undone.
28:22Oh, yeah.
28:23Your shoelaces were not undone.
28:24Oh, were they not?
28:25All right, well, I've got to give out some scores here, don't I?
28:27You do.
28:28Okay, well, that's pretty easy.
28:29One to Rove.
28:31I'm going to give two points to Joel, because he started cool, and then he ended not cool.
28:35I'm going to give three points to Celia, because it was still very dangerous.
28:37Okay.
28:38I'm going to give four points to Anissa, because it was chock full of Darren-ness.
28:42Woo!
28:42But I'm going to give five points to Brett, just because it was awesome and chaotic.
28:48Loved it.
28:51All right, we'll be back after the break.
28:52Whether you will is entirely up to your attention span.
28:55See you soon.
29:06Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
29:08We've just got time for one last proper task.
29:11So, what have you got for me, Lesser Tom?
29:13It's our first location task of the series, so giddy up, we're off to the racetrack.
29:31I love these big walks.
29:34Hi, Tom.
29:35Is this walk really necessary?
29:37Yes.
29:43Can I help you?
29:45Yeah, there's a toss down there that I'd love for you to read.
29:47Oh, okay.
29:51Kicks the exercise ball to Tom.
29:54Easy.
29:55Only chairs may halt a ball's motion.
29:58If the ball rolls to the bottom, you must remove a chair.
30:00This is so hard.
30:02Fewest chairs initially placed wins.
30:05You have 10 minutes to place the chairs, then 15 minutes to get the ball to the top.
30:10Your time starts now.
30:12But I've just got to kick the ball to you.
30:14That's right.
30:14What have the chairs got to do with anything?
30:16If the ball comes to a standstill on a chair, then you can go up to that spot and kick
30:20from there.
30:21Get what I mean?
30:21Not really.
30:22And also, the ball just f***ed off.
30:24You might want to go get the ball.
30:25Don't tell me what to do, Tom.
30:26Are you right-footed?
30:27Right-footed?
30:28Who's right-footed?
30:30I'm right-handed.
30:31What is right-footed?
30:33Oh, dear.
30:40Do you really not know what right-footed is?
30:43No.
30:44What's right-footed?
30:45Which foot do you kick with?
30:47Which foot do you kickball change with?
30:49Oh, I kickball change with my right foot.
30:51I'm right-footed.
30:51All you had to ask.
30:52All right, who's up first?
30:54The chairman and the chairwoman of the us not being bored.
30:57It's Rove and Celia.
30:59All right, I'm going to check this.
31:00You can do some chat if you are.
31:02I'm just moving chairs.
31:03What did you have for breakfast?
31:03I had a protein ball, because I'm an athlete.
31:06Well, if I lay a chair flat, it's got more space to take up.
31:10What did you have for breakfast yesterday?
31:11Uh, pizza.
31:12Because that's what legends eat.
31:16I reckon it's going to stop better like that.
31:17What about the breakfast the day before that?
31:20Meth.
31:20It just keeps getting progressively worse, so I don't keep going backwards.
31:23I've gone double digits.
31:24I'm not happy with that.
31:25Dare I ask?
31:26What, you had breakfast one day before that?
31:27A human child.
31:29See?
31:30I told you not to ask, Tom.
31:31Oh my gosh, what am I doing?
31:33I'm a genius.
31:34Yeah, okay.
31:36No more chair placement.
31:37The kicking may begin.
31:38Woo!
31:41Shut up!
31:42That was pretty far.
31:46Oh, keep bouncing!
31:48Keep bouncing!
31:54You shut up.
31:55No, that's gone.
31:57The ball has crossed the line at the bottom of the ramp.
31:59Please remove one chair.
32:01Okay.
32:01At this point, this is doing F all.
32:03All right.
32:04How good was that bounce, though?
32:05The people at home loved that.
32:07Did you hear the reaction?
32:08No?
32:09Well, okay.
32:10Woo!
32:11Oh, too far!
32:14Come on, little chair.
32:16Yes, little chair!
32:20Shut up!
32:21Stop!
32:22Stop!
32:22Stop!
32:24Tom!
32:26Yeah!
32:27Look at that!
32:28Bit of support here.
32:31Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
32:33That was a foolish, foolish call.
32:37Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it.
32:39So I'm allowed to pick it up?
32:40Yes.
32:40Okay, I'm going to pick up the ball now, Tom.
32:44Bounce over!
32:45What?
32:49That was so close.
32:50Again, the crowd, but you wouldn't know because your imagination is limited.
32:54Oh, it's going to be, I don't know, if I could just, okay, all right, all right.
33:00Come on, chair, you know what you're doing.
33:12I put out way too many chairs, Tom.
33:15I just didn't believe in myself at how good I was going to be at that.
33:18That's a shame.
33:19Thanks, Tom.
33:21Careful of those chairs.
33:23I mean, we shouldn't, we shouldn't just, we shouldn't just be leaving those there.
33:31Roe, was that trip on purpose or was it an accident?
33:35It was a comedy, it was a comedy fall.
33:37I was just worried about you because it was so convincing when you fell over, I was just
33:41genuinely concerned for your welfare.
33:43Thank you, Tom.
33:44I appreciate that.
33:45I was going to laugh, but then I didn't because I was worried you were hurt.
33:50All right, and so I must admit, Roe, I reckon the most impressive things was seeing you
33:54miss by such a tiny amount.
33:56It was quite painful at the other end.
33:58And then I don't know if you saw, I swapped legs.
34:00I went left, I went right.
34:02Didn't make a difference.
34:03Are you right-footed, whatever that means?
34:06I think my feet are bisexual, so it's like.
34:10Thought I recognised then.
34:13Okay, so Celia, how do you feel you went?
34:15I love that.
34:16I love it so much.
34:17My only mistake was not knowing how good I'd be at it.
34:20That's the fault.
34:21Like you're saying, like, I should have believed in myself, put out too many chairs.
34:23Well, the hardest part of your task was just watching Cashman try to keep up a conversation.
34:28Because I feel like you're giving him a lot of fun offers and he was...
34:31She's told me to do some chat.
34:32I remember I asked you what you had for breakfast and you said tinned peaches and I said, are you
34:36in the war?
34:38I had tinned peaches at the hotel.
34:41I didn't have my own tins.
34:42I didn't ask where the war happened.
34:46Anyway, so yes, that was the conversation.
34:48It was difficult working with him.
34:51All right, so let's look at the stats.
34:53Well, ultimately, it's a game of faith in yourself, right?
34:56So the fewer chairs, more faith you have.
34:58Celia had 19 chairs worth of faith.
35:00Yep.
35:00Grove had a whopping 10 chairs of faith in himself.
35:02That's a lot of faith.
35:03All right, who's battling the ramp next?
35:05The next contestants inclined to incline are Anissa and Brent.
35:08Oh.
35:09This is the logical thing, yeah?
35:11Put them in a line.
35:16Why can't this form kick it to you in one go?
35:19If you can, you can.
35:20What if I kick it so far, it doesn't come back?
35:23Then the task is done.
35:24That's correct.
35:25Oh, that's too easy.
35:26Let's win this.
35:28I'm raw-dogging it, dude.
35:30You're locking in zero chairs?
35:31Yeah.
35:34Bro, why is this ramp so rampy?
35:37No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
35:41This is either the best or the worst idea I've ever had.
35:48It's going to be the worst idea I've ever had.
35:50Motherf**k.
35:51Michael John A, rest in peace.
35:53He's not dead.
35:55Rest in peace, Kobe.
35:57Woo!
35:58Ah!
35:59Wah!
36:00Wah!
36:02Dude.
36:05You are now chalice.
36:06Johnny Wilkinson.
36:20Bro.
36:20Oh, this is a disgustingly steep ramp.
36:24Oh.
36:31How many of you still do?
36:34Go, go, go, go, go!
36:36Yes!
36:37Yes!
36:40Yes!
36:42How much time was I got?
36:44Seven seconds left.
36:45Michelle Obama!
36:55I'm going to report this ramp to the ramp authorities.
36:58Dude, that was sick.
37:00Sometimes you're just going to believe yourself.
37:01Well done.
37:02How are you?
37:09So, Anissa, you were yelling out various names.
37:12What was the thinking behind that?
37:13Rest in peace, Michael Jordan.
37:17Is he still here?
37:18He's a lot more.
37:18Okay.
37:20You'll never believe it.
37:21He plays rugby league for Queensland.
37:22He's still there.
37:25Anissa, you were yelling famous black people as you kicked.
37:28Usain Bolt, Serena Williams, Kamala Harris, and Nick Kyrgios.
37:33I claim him.
37:34I claim Nick Kyrgios.
37:36He's close enough.
37:37All right, Pete.
37:39All right.
37:40Now, Brett, amazing tactic.
37:42No chairs.
37:43No chairs.
37:44Just back yourself.
37:46That's right.
37:46I've never even seen this TV show, and I'm f***ing dominating.
37:53Who would have thought the guy with the truck license would beat the three theatre dorks?
37:59Who would have thought the straight white guy would have so much confidence?
38:03And the fact that you're winning makes it even worse.
38:06Yeah, it really stinks.
38:07Sucked in.
38:09So, should we look at the scores there?
38:11Well, Anissa had 34 kicks.
38:14Brett only used seven kicks, and is leading with zero chairs placed.
38:21Okay.
38:22We've just got one comedian to go in the Swiss ball-kicking gauntlet.
38:26But first, it's time for a break.
38:28Come back soon to find out who's won Grant Denyer's balls and a stale potato chip.
38:44Welcome back to the only show on television brave enough to ask the question,
38:47would sports be more entertaining if they were done by people with no sporting ability?
38:53Where were we, Lester Tom?
38:54Our contestants are kicking a ball up a ramp with nothing to help them but chairs.
38:57Fewest chairs placed wins.
38:59Up last, it's a man so deeply in love with his feet he couldn't possibly choose between them.
39:03It's Joel Creasy.
39:05Suck of setting up for an event.
39:09Stay here!
39:10Careful of that.
39:10You wouldn't want the ball to get away.
39:21I reckon I can kick it from there but I've got them as backups.
39:24Okay.
39:33What are you doing?
39:35Looking for the ball.
39:39Oh, Dine, is this some onion?
39:43What?
39:44Where did it go?
39:46Where did the ball go?
39:47I don't know.
39:48I saw it go down there.
39:49That's all I saw.
39:50You've done something.
39:52I didn't do anything.
39:53You did.
39:54It was right here.
39:55Your kicking time has begun.
39:56This is so dumb, Tom.
39:57Where's the ball?
39:58I don't know.
39:59Tom.
39:59I told you to make sure it didn't blow away.
40:02Where is it?
40:05It can't have gone that far.
40:08I've misread something.
40:09Like, there's a little trick.
40:10I don't think wind is a trick.
40:12It's just a reality of life.
40:13But it's not here.
40:14Then why are you here?
40:15If it's down here, I'll be so furious.
40:23It's not here!
40:31Tom, this is so lame.
40:33There's not even any other balls here.
40:34Can I kick you in the balls?
40:36No, thank you.
40:37This is so stupid.
40:38Someone's taken the ball.
40:39I'm sorry.
40:47How long do I have?
40:49You've got 48 seconds left of kicking time.
40:51I'm being gas lit.
40:52I'm being completely gas lit.
40:54I'm not going to pretend that there's not cameras here.
40:55Everyone is silent.
40:56Someone's taken the ball.
40:57They have.
40:58I've forgotten what colour it was.
41:0125 seconds left.
41:02Where's the ball?
41:03It's not here.
41:05It's like right here and I'm actually having a brain bleed and need to be in hospital.
41:0810 seconds left.
41:09This is ridiculous.
41:10It's not here.
41:13Thanks, Joel.
41:14That was the worst.
41:18And I had such a good system.
41:28Now we know that you're not right-footed or left-footed, you neither.
41:33I have lost months of sleep wondering where that ball went.
41:38Lesser Tom even said, it went that way.
41:40And you went, no, it didn't.
41:42You went the other way.
41:42I searched that way.
41:43I searched that entire race thing.
41:46That place.
41:47That awful place.
41:49Didn't even get a chance to kick with my right foot or whatever footed I am.
41:53You kept accusing me of taking it, but you could see me the whole time.
41:56Someone blew it away just to wind me up and you got me.
42:02I looked up the wind speed on each day.
42:04I had the windiest day.
42:05No, you didn't.
42:05Brett did.
42:08Mine went around the corner, but I just looked and it was there.
42:11Mine was having a schooner up the bar.
42:13I couldn't find it anywhere.
42:15Joel, would you like to know how many kicks you attempted?
42:17No.
42:18I can at least work that out myself.
42:21All right, well, let's go through the scores then.
42:23Well, Joel's obviously disqualified.
42:25Correct.
42:25As is Anissa.
42:27That means three points to Celia, four points to Roe, and Brett wins the task with five points.
42:33All right, and what are the scores for the episode so far?
42:35Roe is in last place with six points, but Brett's out in front with 18 points.
42:41All right, you lot, please head up to the stage for the first studio task of the season.
42:50Who's going to read out the task tonight?
42:52Celia.
42:56Pose for a photo at the median height with the median amount of naughtiness.
43:01Your photos will be compared, and the contestant at the median height in their photo will win the height category.
43:09Tallest and shortest contestants will come second, and the other two contestants will come third.
43:14Same scoring applies to naughtiness.
43:17Brett, are you okay?
43:18Did he just faint?
43:20No, I punched a wall out, and I've left.
43:23Best overall performance in the two categories wins.
43:25Your photos will be taken in exactly 75 seconds.
43:28So, the middle of each category will win.
43:31The tallest and shortest come second, and then the other two come third.
43:35Okay, your 75 seconds starts now.
43:43Why would we say that?
43:5930 seconds!
44:0130 seconds!
44:0130 seconds!
44:0430 seconds!
44:0530 seconds!
44:21Okay, it's time for one last break.
44:23Hey, during the break, why don't you swap over each other's phones and have a look at
44:27the photos.
44:27See who's got the naughtiest photos.
44:29You'll enjoy it.
44:29See you soon.
44:41Hello, welcome back to the season premiere of Taskmaster.
44:44We're in the final stretch of our live task and just need some rankings.
44:48Sir Tom?
44:49That's right.
44:49Our contestants tried to take photos of median height and median naughtiness.
44:52Let's analyse the height first.
45:04Did I win this then?
45:06Yeah, that's right.
45:06Celia was the median height, so you win the height category.
45:11Anissa and Brett were tallest and shortest respectively, so they come in second in the height category
45:15and Joel and Rove were the other ones.
45:16Alright, so we have to rank some naughtiness there.
45:18Yes, it's time to analyse naughtiness.
45:19Okay, well I'm tempted to say that Anissa and Brett are the same, because they kind
45:23of dress the same, but they're doing something very different.
45:26What's naughty about what you're doing there, Anissa?
45:28Do you want me to...
45:32And I must say, I was so worried, but then I saw Rove and I'm like, I'm good.
45:39What about Brett?
45:40Well, I was using the stick thing as an erect penis, but then I remembered that it was medium,
45:47so then I folded the fake penis in half, so it's a medium dick.
45:51Okay.
45:52And then I got bored in the task and forgot they were taking a photo.
45:56Just looking at Celia, were you actually naked?
45:58It looks like I'm having an emergency in the shower.
46:03Right, but is that naughty or natural?
46:06Depends, in a supermarket.
46:09Rove committed to his look very early on in the task, I felt.
46:16We had the pleasure of seeing you did a few minor variations.
46:18I did, I workshopped through it.
46:20It was a process, wasn't it?
46:21I went full of Brett Blake and just felt it.
46:23Okay, and then we've got Joel.
46:27Joel, you just look like you're on the toilet and you're dropping your newspaper.
46:30Yeah.
46:31I was being very naughty and wasn't in time for the camera, was I?
46:35Oh, naughty, naughty.
46:39Joel is last, because he didn't look too offensive to me.
46:43I find nudity to be natural, not that naughty.
46:46So second last is Celia.
46:47I'm going to say Brett was quite naughty, Anissa was a little bit naughtier.
46:52The naughtiest was watching Rove Manus.
46:54Do a rude thing or throw a zipper.
46:56Yeah.
46:57Okay, so putting together medium height and medium naughtiness, what do we have?
47:00We've got three contestants in third place, tied.
47:03Anissa, Joel and Rove.
47:04Celia is in second place with four points, but Brett wins the task with five points.
47:11So, who has won the first episode?
47:15Kirby!
47:19Where this seems to be leading is whether you just put a pirate hat on and sit on a box,
47:25or jump over a b**** fire.
47:29Rove, you're in last place.
47:31What?
47:35Rove's right, Brett's way out in front with twenty-three points,
47:37and is the winner of the first second round.
47:41Congratulations to Brett.
47:43Head up to the stage to collect your prize task things.
47:49Well, there we go.
47:50What have we learnt?
47:51Three of them learnt eggs might cost a bit, but touching them will cost you dearly.
47:56Brett took a lesson from the great El Farber,
47:59and defied gravity.
48:01Oh!
48:02Nice.
48:03Nice.
48:04And while Joel forgot what his blue ball looked like,
48:08we'll never unlearn the sight of Grant Deniers.
48:11Give it up once more for our episode winner, Brett.
48:15Goodnight!
48:33Now the real fun begins.
48:35Oh!
48:36Five of the brightest...
48:37I don't get it!
48:37...most physically gifted Canadians in Australia...
48:40Oh!
48:41...all of whom have perfect hand-eye coordination...
48:44Oh!
48:45...will compete to win a prize...
48:47Huzzah!
48:47...by impressing me.
48:49Damn it!
48:50Hail Trump!
48:50Are you the Taskmaster?
48:52Oh, you...
48:54You're not the Taskmaster.
48:58Brett, just to confirm,
48:59I am the f****** Taskmaster!
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