- 2 hours ago
Ghosts Season 5 Episode 19
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00:00The pond, boobs and steaks.
00:02So they asked me to let Tad have Mountains of the Valley, and here we are.
00:07And how'd we come out with the menu, Jay? You got me up with the lamb?
00:09Yeah, I did. Tad, it's just, you know, the individual chops are kind of my signature.
00:14Yeah, gotta be a rack, otherwise it won't make sense when the servers ask if anyone would like to see
00:18their huge rack.
00:19Well, it's hard to argue with that, Tad.
00:21And what exactly are jalapeno knockers?
00:24That's for Jay to figure out.
00:26But they're on the menu.
00:29Okay, we have to find a way to save Mahesh. We can't let our restaurant turn into this.
00:34Okay, guys, I'll see you tomorrow.
00:39Yeah, this is hell.
00:40Who is that?
00:42Nikki, the new barkeep.
00:44She looks very qualified.
00:47Are you talking about those strong muddling hands?
00:50Yeah, I noticed that too.
00:51Calluses for days, am I right?
00:53Oh yeah, no mint is safe.
01:02What do you mean you're moving out?
01:04I know this comes as a shock.
01:06When I moved to the basement, I considered it a permanent and authentic decision.
01:09But what can I say?
01:11My friends miss me.
01:12Pfft, spare us, Isaac.
01:14You moved down here so you could run for ghost representative as a basement dweller.
01:18Now you don't need us, so you're out of here.
01:21Fine.
01:21Take your carpet and put it in your bag and shove it.
01:26Oh, well, this is emotional for all of us.
01:30I, for one, will remember each and every one of you fondly.
01:34I'm back.
01:36Free of those freaks.
01:38Oh, do you smell that?
01:40I don't smell anything.
01:41Precisely.
01:42Oh, it's good to be home.
01:44Welcome back, Isaac.
01:48Hey, uh, Tad, I just wanted to talk to you about something.
01:50Oh, I'm glad you're here.
01:53What if instead of small, medium, and large, we offered our drinks in a B-cup, C-cup, and D
01:57-cup?
01:58I think this guy might be a genius.
02:00Tad, are you sure that this rebrand is the best thing for the business?
02:03It's just Mahesh is very precious to Jay.
02:06I mean, he named it after his dad.
02:08I named the main character after my dad in my classic noir film, Jimmy the Deadbeat.
02:13He must have been very touched.
02:15Sons of bitches.
02:16Sorry, sorry.
02:18City council is voting tomorrow to officially remove me from office.
02:22Oh, I thought that already happened.
02:24Effectively, yeah.
02:25It's just a formality.
02:27But if the vote goes your way tomorrow, you could be mayor again?
02:31Never gonna happen.
02:31Councilman Gus Hayward, my nemesis, is the deciding vote.
02:35So unless he has a miraculous change of heart, I'm afraid you guys are stuck with me.
02:40I always wanted to have a nemesis.
02:41Well, what about your friend who was sleeping with your wife for all those years?
02:44Oh, yeah.
02:45I guess I do have one.
02:46Hang on.
02:47If Gus did change his mind and reinstate you, is that something you'd be interested in?
02:51Yeah, of course.
02:52Public service is my passion.
02:55I just want to help people and make the world better.
02:57Hey, Ted.
02:58The tank tops came in, but they're not bedazzled like you wanted.
03:01Seriously?
03:01I spent 20 minutes on the phone with that guy.
03:04I sent him multiple sketches.
03:06Sorry, excuse me.
03:10This is interesting.
03:11Sam, it seems like if you can get Tad his mayor shit back, he'll drop the whole restaurant idea.
03:14Whoa, let's just take a beat.
03:17What about Nikki?
03:18She just got this job.
03:19Is anybody thinking about her?
03:20Because I'm thinking about her.
03:22I'm thinking about her quite a bit.
03:24We got to talk to this councilman, see if we can change his mind.
03:26Now, hold your horses.
03:27You want to flip a politician, you're going to need some leverage.
03:30What do you mean?
03:31I'm talking about dirt.
03:32Who is this guy?
03:33What's he hiding?
03:35Everybody has something they don't want someone to know.
03:37Like my unpermitted deck.
03:39I mean, I would have done just about anything to keep that from coming out.
03:41The stairs weren't even to code.
03:43God forgive me.
03:44That makes a lot of sense, Joan.
03:45I'm going to do some digging on this councilman, see if we can find anything useful.
03:50It's like she doesn't care about Nikki at all.
03:53She's heartless.
04:04I'm sick.
04:05Sorry, I'm sorry.
04:07I just can't seem to fall asleep.
04:10Perhaps I'm out of practice sleeping lying down.
04:12In the basement we sleep standing up.
04:14Like cattle or horses.
04:16Also giraffes, which, as I understand them, are kind of like tall orange donkeys.
04:21Look, I've got a big day tomorrow.
04:22The new People magazine is arriving, and I'm hoping for a shower to makeover.
04:25Wait, what happened to Momoa?
04:27Oh, hunks are over.
04:28It's all about hot rodent men now.
04:30Hot rodent men?
04:32Okay, good night.
04:38I swear to God.
04:40Oh, God, this takes me back.
04:43Digging up dirt on a big wig.
04:45A politician with a dark past.
04:47Classic noir stuff.
04:49This guy's a saint.
04:50Councilman Gus Hayward.
04:52Volunteers at church.
04:53Fundraises for the Salvation Army.
04:54Fosters disabled dogs.
04:56Boom!
04:56I got a parking ticket in 1996.
04:59Is that anything?
05:00Not exactly a dead hooker, but it's a start.
05:03Happy blackmailing, everyone.
05:04How's it going?
05:05We've got bupkis.
05:06This guy's cleaner than Orson Welles played after a steak dinner at Musso's.
05:10She has a way with words.
05:11I don't know what any of them mean, but I like how she says it.
05:14Wait, is that the guy?
05:15That's Gus?
05:16Yeah.
05:16Yeah, why?
05:17Because I've seen him before.
05:19And if we need dirt, oh boy, I got a whole truckload.
05:22Enough to get the mayor his jaw back?
05:23And then some.
05:25Oh, I got a second parking ticket.
05:26A pattern emerges.
05:31Just tell us, Pete, what do you have on Gus that would be so damning that he would have
05:35to reinstate Tad as the mayor?
05:37Well, I will tell you, right after a patented Martino drumroll.
05:47I saw him in an orgy.
05:49Oh.
05:50What?
05:50You remember months ago when we snuck into the Farnsby's media room to move that bookshelf
05:54so that Thor could watch his son get married?
05:55We do have fun.
05:56Yes, I remember.
05:57I jumped out the window and I ran home to cancel our Evercreek water subscription.
06:01Well, after you left, you'll recall Jay was stuck in the closet while your friends
06:05who were renting the Farnsby's home put on a DVD of what they thought was the movie
06:09Swingers.
06:09But it turned out to be a sex tape of people who actually were swingers.
06:13Bingo!
06:14A septuagenarian orgy, one of the stars of which was our friend Gus right here.
06:18Oh.
06:19Jay, Gus was in that amateur porn video you heard in the Farnsby's closet.
06:23Oh, God.
06:24That haunting knee-clicking, that was Gus's.
06:27Click, a clack, a romp in the sack.
06:30She can really sell some gibberish.
06:31But, babe, none of this is good to us unless we can get some hard evidence.
06:35No pun intended.
06:36Yes.
06:37My guy's not afraid to go blue.
06:38Well, we better get that tape.
06:40Or we could accept that Hayes had a good run and Nikki gets to keep her job.
06:44Who are we to play God?
06:47So we'll get the tape.
06:48Yeah, we'll get the tape.
06:49Great.
06:50Suddenly, Ward McAllister opens his mouth and vomits all over Alva Vanderbilt's birthday cake.
06:58Ooh, and that's when I realize the clans have turned.
07:03Am I boring you?
07:05Oh, I'm sorry, Hedy.
07:06I didn't get a wink last night.
07:08I've been in the basement so long I think I've grown habituated to their unusual nocturnal customs.
07:13Hmm.
07:14You've been institutionalized.
07:16Excuse me?
07:17In 1876, my mother made an offhand comment admitting to feelings of sexual longing.
07:21She was thus diagnosed with hysteria and whisked away to the local asylum.
07:25Naturally.
07:26Upon her return, 18 months later, she had grown accustomed to the ways of the asylum and it was now
07:30home where she felt a strange unease.
07:32Yes.
07:32That's exactly how I'm feeling.
07:35So what did you do?
07:36Well, we realized she needed to be weaned.
07:38So for a time, we brought a taste of the asylum back to Woodstone.
07:42To help Mother go to sleep, my sister Margaret and I would wail psychotically outside her door.
07:46Interesting.
07:47So you're saying I should bring some of the basement upstairs, at least until I've weaned myself of their ways.
07:53Indeed, exactly.
07:54Genius.
07:56Now, where was I?
07:57Oh, yes.
07:59It was a dangerous summer for shellfish.
08:02I'm surprised you wanted to borrow a DVD.
08:04Don't y'all have streaming over there?
08:05I'm more of a physical media guy.
08:07Me too.
08:08Though I got burned bad by Betamax.
08:10How did VHS win?
08:12It's a slightly inferior platform.
08:14There's so many to choose from.
08:15I think I'll just go with some of the classics.
08:18Uh, Master Commander.
08:20Oh, Die Hard.
08:21Whatever this is.
08:23And Sudden Death, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.
08:25Uh, wait.
08:26That one's not actually swingers.
08:28And Die Hard's not what he thinks it is, either.
08:30It's fine.
08:30Whatever.
08:31No, you really don't want to see that.
08:33Well, that's what they said about Batman Forever, but guess what?
08:35I loved it.
08:36It's the Farnsby's having sex with a bunch of old people.
08:41I can handle it.
08:43What?
08:45See you later.
08:47So, how's married life?
08:49He snores so loud.
08:52Vikings.
08:54Okay, Hetty.
08:56That's perfect.
08:57Pete, don't be afraid to scoot right in there.
08:59All right.
09:00Now, Sass, feel free to relax that posture.
09:02We're looking for a nice, casual slouch.
09:03All right.
09:03That's it.
09:04What the hell's going on here?
09:05Oh.
09:07Well, Hetty helped me see that I had become institutionalized.
09:09So, in order to wean myself, I've decided to temporarily recreate the basement sleep experience
09:14upstairs.
09:15Don't mind us.
09:16We'll just be standing here quietly watching you sleep.
09:18Oh, it won't be quiet.
09:19No, the subterranean sleep experience is a symphony of bodily noises.
09:23What?
09:23Well, for example, Nancy died with pus blocking a majority of her nasal canal, creating the
09:29most soothing nose whistle.
09:30Hetty, I'm going to need you to recreate that.
09:32Oh, unfortunately, cocaine obliterated my septum.
09:35The air blows through it like a breeze through a mountain pass.
09:38Okay.
09:39Well, there's also a scent element.
09:41Did anyone die having recently eaten an onion?
09:43Creepy jerk did, and that pungent aroma has become a bit of a security blanket.
09:47You know, Isaac, these requests are a little more specific than I anticipated.
09:51I kind of just thought it would be clumping.
09:54So that's a no to the onion?
09:55Okay, well, somebody has to be in charge of the bedtime stories, and the main character's
09:59name has to be Isaac, because that is how the trunk would always do it.
10:03I think I'm out.
10:04What?
10:05No.
10:06I thought this would be, like, funny weird, but now it's just kind of sad, weird.
10:10Okay, bye.
10:11Sass, you can't leave.
10:13Three is not a clump.
10:15All right, Alberta, you're in.
10:17Ha, dream on, Isaac.
10:19I wish I could.
10:21I wish I could.
10:25Well, thank you for meeting with me, Councilman Hayward.
10:27Always happy to sit with a constituent.
10:29Unfortunately, we've seen your happy face, and that's not it.
10:32Now, I'm in a bit of a hurry.
10:33I'm volunteering at a soup kitchen this afternoon.
10:36Well, what can I do for you?
10:37Well, uh, sir, I'm a colleague of the soon-to-be former mayors, and I would like you to reconsider
10:44stripping him of his mayoral duties.
10:46We have seen him strip people before, so you're not the only one who can do wordplay.
10:50Look, it's a shame what happened with Tad, but he violated the trust and faith of this
10:55community.
10:55And unfortunately, my hands are tied.
10:57Not even going to touch that one.
10:59Too easy.
10:59Okay, I'm going to cut right to the chase.
11:01Tad is turning my dream restaurant into an upscale restaurant and making me invent jalapeno
11:05knockers, so I'm going to slide a DVD to you now that will make you reconsider.
11:13Oh, baby's first blackmail.
11:15What is this?
11:16Swingers?
11:17Well, it's not the Vince Vaughn love letter to the Los Feliz of the 90s.
11:20That is septuagenarian porn.
11:23It's an orgy filmed at the Varnsby's.
11:26Oh, no.
11:27That got his attention quicker than Miss Varnsby walking in with a riding crop.
11:31Look, I could get Tad as mayor's ship back, but that won't fix things.
11:35There's someone else who wants Tad taken down, and she'll stop at nothing.
11:40A mysterious femme fatale.
11:42The plot thickens.
11:43What are you talking about?
11:44I'm talking about the person who told me about Gate Gate in the first place.
11:48The whistleblower.
11:49She's desperate to end Tad's political career, and she's got more dirt where that came from.
11:54Well, who is she?
11:54I can't tell you that.
11:56And now that I have this, I don't have to.
11:59And you won't be able to prove a thing.
12:04Dude, I have copies.
12:06Oh.
12:07Can I have those?
12:09No.
12:10Okay.
12:11In that case, I'll tell you.
12:14The whistleblower is Tad's wife.
12:17The wife did it.
12:18Classic twist.
12:19But tell me more about this restaurant.
12:21Is there a back room, and do you're renting out to large groups?
12:28Yes.
12:29I was the one who turned Tad in for Gate Gate.
12:32You enjoying your food?
12:34It's delicious.
12:35Who are you talking to?
12:37Oh, I'm a ghost.
12:38I thought you knew.
12:39Worked at Pizza Barn back in 05, four restaurants ago.
12:42Didn't you see the check spike in her back?
12:44What's delicious?
12:44I was talking to you.
12:47The betrayal.
12:48The betrayal is delicious.
12:50Hmm.
12:51She is a big fan of betrayal.
12:53Which, you know, keeps me on my toes.
12:55So, circling back, why did you sabotage your own husband's political career?
13:00I did it for our marriage.
13:02After our daughter went to college, it was supposed to be our time.
13:05We always said we'd sell the house, buy a boat, sail to the islands, but our time never came.
13:12Love, your outfit.
13:13We're clearly in a conversation.
13:15Have some ghost-to-living etiquette.
13:18After he sold the car dealership, then he ran for mayor.
13:21I saw even less of him then.
13:22So you took him down, but then instead of spending more time with you, he just dove into a new
13:27project.
13:28Exactly.
13:29He's never going to stop working.
13:31Just a bit of a bummer, but you've got a feel for the broad.
13:36Ha.
13:37Melanie.
13:38Tad, what are you doing here?
13:40I'm picking up my mooshu pork.
13:42Jay recommended this place to me.
13:44Jay, you recommended this place to Tad and suggested it to Melanie for our secret meeting?
13:48Well, it's a great place, but they're not doing very well.
13:50I'm just trying to support them.
13:52Well, she's out on a secret meeting.
13:54Oh, I'm tired of this.
13:57Tad?
13:59I'm the one who blew the whistle on Gate Gate.
14:01What?
14:02How could you?
14:04Because I miss you.
14:06It's actually kind of sweet if you think about it.
14:08Who cares?
14:08You ruined my political career.
14:12I can't believe you'd do this to me.
14:20So do we think that mooshu pork is up for grabs?
14:22Jay.
14:23Well, I don't want it to go to waste.
14:25I don't want it to go to waste.
14:34Isaac!
14:35No, no, no.
14:35Shh, shh, shh.
14:36Back to sleep.
14:36Hey.
14:37Let's just listen.
14:38Isaac, you're back.
14:39Hey, everyone.
14:40Isaac's back.
14:41Oh, look who came crawling back, standing up.
14:45No, no, no, no, no.
14:46I am not back.
14:47I simply want to sleep with you.
14:49Listening?
14:49No, I mean, I've been having trouble sleeping upstairs, so I thought I would just come down
14:54here to get some shut-eye.
14:55Yeah, right.
14:56I know what this is.
14:58You miss us.
14:59Oh, yeah, right.
15:00What do I miss, hmm?
15:01Jerk's onion breath?
15:03Stuart's idiotic pontificating about wood?
15:05The warm, womb-like security of the clump?
15:07Okay, fine.
15:08I miss you, freaks.
15:09There, I said it.
15:10Isaac, just because you don't live down here anymore doesn't mean you can't come visit.
15:14Really?
15:15Absolutely.
15:15Absolutely.
15:16We have an open-door policy down in the pit, mostly because someone nailed the door shut
15:20to make sure we died in here.
15:21Yeah, you're always welcome.
15:23Oh, there's that onion breath I've missed so much.
15:27Oh, what do you say?
15:28One more overnight for old times' sake, hmm?
15:30Come on.
15:31Come on, Pop, buddy.
15:32Ah, dear.
15:38So, I could be mayor again because Gus goes to senior sex parties?
15:43I know you're processing a lot, but yes, that is pretty much the gist of it.
15:47Are the parties just for seniors, or do young people just choose not to go?
15:50I don't know.
15:51With our marriage falling apart, maybe it's better to just turn the page, launch this
15:55restaurant.
15:55I mean, you nailed these jalapeno knockers.
15:59Idea.
16:00What if they were served in a bra basket that the customer had to unclasp?
16:05We were watching a once-in-a-generation talent.
16:07And the clasp is an onion ring.
16:10What a mind.
16:12Uh, Tad, there's someone here to see you.
16:14I came to apologize.
16:17It's true, I've been unhappy, but I never should have blown the whistle on gate-gate.
16:22In my defense, I had just polished off a box of white sand.
16:26Should probably get along really well with that wine-a-lucia bowl.
16:30Honestly, I'm not mad at you.
16:32You are desperate, and it's true, I do love my work.
16:37But I also love you, so I'm not sure where that leaves us.
16:41Well, here's a cake-and-eat-it-too suggestion.
16:43He wants to work, she wants to spend more time together.
16:46What if they took a page out of the Sam and Jay playbook and worked together?
16:49What if there was a way that you could still be mayor, and also spend more time together?
16:54By being like me and Jay?
16:55What do you mean?
16:56Castra?
16:57Inept at business?
16:58Friendless?
16:58Maybe you could work together.
17:00At the mayor's office.
17:01Oh, I would love to work with Tad, but I don't know if I'm built for the world of politics.
17:06I don't know, that was pretty manipulative and underhanded, the way you derailed Tad's career.
17:10That's true.
17:11She could be your chief of staff.
17:12Oh, uh, I already have one.
17:14Not after you throw Jeremy under the bus for any residual gate-gate fallout.
17:18My God, that came to her easily.
17:19I like it.
17:21We're gonna do great things together.
17:23We could even do some traveling, like you wanted, but on the city's dime.
17:27He heard he's getting his job back five seconds ago, and he's already knee-deep in new corruption.
17:31Oh, no.
17:32You probably won't have time to be the mayor and run a world-class restaurant, though, huh?
17:37That's true, but I don't want it happening without me.
17:40I'm gonna have to pull the plug on Mountains of the Valley.
17:43You can still put jalapeno knockers on the Mahesh menu, if you want.
17:47I will take that under serious consideration.
17:49Thank you, guys, for everything.
17:51We gotta go, but we'll write you from St. Kitts, where we'll be on a catamaran, working tirelessly for the
17:58people of Ulster County.
18:00And in the end, it all worked out.
18:02The girl got the guy, the guy got the job, and I got to smell something called Mooshu Three Ways.
18:07Which, ironically, was the name of the move Gus was doing on that tape.
18:14Well, it seems that Mayor Tad has somehow survived the gate-gate scandal and will not be stepping down any
18:20time soon.
18:21Oh, good news for Tad. Bad news for jalapeno knockers.
18:24Yeah, sorry, Trevor.
18:25This is a setback for the upscale restaurant industry as a whole, but we have been through worse, and we
18:30will be back.
18:31And in a surprising twist, Tad's return to office was aided by a long-time political foe, Gus Hayward.
18:38I caught up with the city councilman earlier today.
18:40That's the thing about politics. You never know when people are going to come together.
18:45That language felt purposeful.
18:46I think you're probably reading into it.
18:48My point is you have to be flexible. Sometimes you just have to reach across the aisle and give someone
18:54a hand.
18:55Okay, well, there's no reading into that.
18:57Okay, yeah, this guy's a freak.
18:58He did that same wink on the tape. Ugh, it haunts me.
19:01And now let's turn it over to brand-new Channel 5 weatherwoman, Nikki Snow.
19:05A cold front is expected to move in over the next few days.
19:09Wait, is that the bartender from Mountains of the Valley?
19:11Yes.
19:12Glad she landed on her feet.
19:14Can't keep that kind of talent down.
19:18New next Thursday.
19:20I just got to the location.
19:21The Ghost's favorite reality show is coming to Woodstock.
19:23Yes.
19:24I have to go see if a spray tan booth will fit in the pantry.
19:26I'm the behind-the-scenes tidbits.
19:28Ghost is all new.
19:29CBS next Thursday.
19:30And streaming on Paramount+.
19:32A new Elsbeth at a special time.
19:35CBS next.
19:38CBS next Thursday.
19:39CBS next Thursday.
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