- 3 hours ago
2006 SITCOM "It is Harvest Festival time and the Women's Guild attempt to help the vicar set up for the day. Rosie believes she has seen the face of Jesus upon a potato and the vicar's reaction causes her alter-ego, Margaret, to surface." IMDB Starring Sue Johnston, Dawn French, Jennifer Saunders, Joanna Lumley, Maggie Steed, Doreen Mantle, Patrick Barlow, Pauline McLynn, Sally Phillips, David Mitchell
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00:29Transcription by CastingWords
00:40Transcription by CastingWords
01:15Transcription by CastingWords
01:24Transcription by CastingWords
01:53Transcription by CastingWords
01:53your voice. What is it you want, my son? Who is that? It is I. I am with you, my
02:03son, and
02:04with your spirit. Who is that, please? Hallowed be my name. Come out here, please.
02:15Sorry, Vicar. Did you think I was God there for a second? No, I didn't. No, not at all,
02:20now. You're having trouble hearing his voice at the moment? Well... When you do hear his voice,
02:26is it, like, inside your head or through your ear holes? No, it comes to me. Right, because
02:34that's the question they ask on the questionnaire about the psychiatricals. Yes, I think it's
02:37not quite the same thing. Because I'm the same as you, isn't I? I get them, voices. Yeah,
02:41I've got Margaret. She's going all, all, all at me sometimes. Really? You probably think
02:46that's mad. That's a nutter. When do people think that of you, Vicar? He's talking to
02:51God. He's a nutter. It's an element, I should imagine, probably, yes. Because my son says
02:56that you can't tell the difference these days from those who's mad and those who's just on
03:00the hands free. I have no idea what you're talking about. That's why I like coming in here,
03:04see? Because they can't get to me in here. Don't hear them in here. Margaret can't come in
03:09here. No voices. I come in here for a bit of peace. Peace? Yeah. Peace? Yeah. Yes, shall we, shall
03:16we try
03:16that? Peace? Peace? Thank you. Peace? Grant us your peace, O Lord. God is the author of peace
03:40and the lover of concord. Correct. Good. It's gone now. Oh. What? Concord. Think
03:49God's sad. Look, can we just have silence? Silence, yes. Silence. All right? Yes. Silence,
03:57now, please. Silence, please. Silence in the court. Silence. Silence. Shh. Silence. Can you
04:11hear his voice now, Vicar? No? Do you want me to trolley? No, no. Because he could just be
04:16busy. Call back later. Right. Yeah. I find I don't hear the voices if I've taken my pills.
04:24Right. How do you get to be a Vicar, Vicar? Because I was thinking if I was a Vicar, I
04:32could
04:32spend more time in the church. Then Margaret wouldn't be able to bother me. Do you have
04:36to be special or anything? Well, I wouldn't say special, exactly. It's more... Just like
04:42your powers you've got. Like you're turning water into holy water and you're blessing things
04:46and stuff. Like turning fish into bread and stuff. Were you born with those powers? Or
04:52did you have to take, like, an exam, you know, and get a surfer ticket? Did you? From the
04:57head of the church? No, it's quite complicated. Is it? Is it? So could I be a Vicar then? Could
05:03I? Well, no, no. You have to have what's called a calling. A calling? Do you? Yeah. The decision
05:09is thrust upon you by a higher power. You have a sign from God. Do you? Yes. Do you?
05:16Mm. Right. Right. Well, look out for that, then. Yes, do. Yes. Shh. Now, silence, please.
05:26Silence. Rosie! Oh, I hope she's not bothering you, Vicar. I am trying to pray. We are trying
05:34to pray. I've got to dash. I'm lollipopping. All right, Queenie. Now, Rosie, let's try and
05:45make you useful. Vicar here wants some fresh for the church harvest festival tomorrow. And
05:54this could be your job. Just go down the plot and see what you can find for him. Right.
06:01I don't know if I've planted any fresh on the plot. Thank you. Go on. Go on. No, no, no,
06:09take that. Right. Now, let's just try plunging it into the arm just to get the sensation. You don't
06:16have to aim for the veins or anything. Just go on. Off you go. Right. Here goes. Did I hit
06:24it yet?
06:25No. Look, open your eyes, lovey. Open your eyes. Sorry, it's not the needle that's my problem. It's just
06:30the blood. Did I draw in your blood that time? No, no, because you're not hitting a vein. No. No,
06:35no, no. Stop stabbing. Stop. Why don't you just tell me your symptoms and I'll prescribe
06:41you something and then we don't need to go bothering the doctor. You say it's urgent and
06:46I'm telling you I don't have a free slot till next Wednesday. So maybe now you see the wisdom
06:50of my words. Is it your varicose veins? Because I was behind you in the spar the other day and
06:55I have to say it looked like it was smuggling walnuts in your tights. Well, I'll leave that with
07:01you then. Oh, how have you ever coped? Well, I've done many lab work. Mice? No, it's test
07:09tubes. We're closed. Hi, Vicar. Something the matter? Is the doctor in? Oh, no, sorry. I
07:16need my prescription. Beta blockers, isn't it? Mm. Are you all right? Yes, fine. Just frayed
07:23nerves, you know. Can you? Yeah. Yeah. Leave it with me. Repeat prescription for the Vicar? Oh,
07:43and that reminds me, we need to keep an eye on Rosie. Rosie? Lovely Rosie. Little. Couldn't
07:49knock her off a ball. Oh, the, um, yeah, I think the CPM looks after her. No, we need
07:54to keep an eye on her because sometimes she loses her medication. How lucky we are in this
08:00modern world to have the luxury of medicine. A pill for everything. Yes. Jesus, on the other
08:07hand, bore his agony, his cross with nothing but faith and love to ease his burden. Your
08:13point? No point. Pills help us bear our sins more easily. I trust this is some kind of humour.
08:20What else would you expect from someone that was raised by nuns in a cold convent in Southern
08:23Ireland? Yes, it must have been dreadful. No, actually, it was lovely. Won't have a word
08:27said against them. But that won't win you the Booker Prize, will it? See ya. See ya.
08:40Hi. Collecting, er, the Harvest Festival. Anything past or near its sell-by date in tin
08:45or packet form? Yeah, that would be like everything. Oh, er, no, cos I think Jim said he'd leave
08:50things aside. Lovely. Thank you. Will you do the questionnaire? Oh, yes. Er, is there anything
09:02in the shop you haven't seen or would like to see? Oh, er, oh, no, what have I seen? Er,
09:11oh, do I, do I just have to remember or can I go round again? Should I just go round,
09:18I'll
09:18just go round again. Er, OK, so I've seen that, er, well, would like to see that. Er,
09:26as a guild member, will you be participating in the desecration of the church for the Harvest
09:30Festival tomorrow? Have you seen any traffic? No, I haven't, sorry. I mean, Harvest? I mean,
09:38last year it was as if a small branched mace had exploded and cast its entire contents to
09:43the four corners. Tomorrow? No, no, because, er, Tip and I are doing first aid at the, er,
09:48pony club across the country. You ought to come. It's hilarious. No, I have a christening
09:51of some infant. Ah, now, that is Elaine and Jay's little one. You be nice. All right.
09:57See ya. See ya. Where are you going now? To the church. It's the pointy building behind
10:02the pub. Anyone wishing to proceed to the start should now do so. At the moment we haven't
10:25got anybody down there at all.
10:46Excessive use of the whip is not permitted. You will be disqualified. That goes for all
10:52the girls and the boy. All right, can I have your attention, please? We seem to have a sheep
11:01standing in front of jump number 12. Could somebody run along and remove it, please? Thank you.
11:08Thank you. I have just been informed that, er, hot dogs are now available.
11:17No. Dear Lord, grant me that I should... Sorry about that, but just to say hot beverages are available from
11:29the, er...
11:45All right, but I want you to make sure you get him going properly. I'll be up fence judging with
11:50Susie.
11:50Because, you know, he can do this course. You know that, don't you? Hmm? I mean, the problem is we
11:56just don't have the time to get them going.
11:58I was just thinking. I was just thinking, actually, in a couple of years' time in your gap year, er,
12:01we could spend that time usefully really getting these horses going.
12:04I don't want to get up here. We have just found a cheat, Daisy. Anybody that's lost one, come and
12:11see her.
12:13Oh, I'm liking this. It's like being at the beach. Yeah, without the beach. The sun, the sand, the fun.
12:22Shut up. The ponies didn't have fit.
12:28Oh. Oh, that looks all right. I'll tell you what. Slip the sock off and stick it in the stream.
12:37Not the sock, the foot.
12:40Oh. Oh. Oh.
12:51Bananas. Yes.
12:52Yes, I think so. And...
12:55But the arms?
12:56Limbs.
12:57Limbs.
12:57So, is this us now?
13:02Are we all we are to be?
13:08Any more guests expected?
13:11Oh, no.
13:12Right.
13:13Don't mind me, I just want to put these out.
13:16What are they?
13:17They're miniature floor arrangements and symbols.
13:20From our last meeting, it seems such a shame for them not to be seen.
13:25Right.
13:27Shall we proceed to the font?
13:32To the thing that looks like the bird bath.
13:42Does it have to be a man?
13:44Well, I think so.
13:46Oh.
13:46It's just I've got these lovely big melons.
13:54Right.
13:56Is that holy water, then?
13:58Yes, it is, yes.
13:58Does it come holy or do you make it holy somehow?
14:03It is consecrated.
14:05It is blessed by the priest with solemn prayer.
14:09I make it holy.
14:13Child's name?
14:14Keira.
14:15Beg your pardon?
14:16Keira.
14:17After somebody.
14:19We just like it.
14:21Isn't that lovely, Vicar?
14:22What was the dreadful name he had the other week?
14:24Bombs or something.
14:26Beyonce, that was.
14:27I think that's lovely, too.
14:30I'll just top up my symbols.
14:35Right.
14:39Right.
14:41Now Keira.
14:43It is.
14:44It really is.
14:46No, Margaret.
14:47Go away.
14:48You are not having it, Margaret.
14:50There.
14:51There.
14:51I am not a fool, Margaret.
14:53I am not a fool.
14:55And other sheep I have, which are not of this fold.
14:59Them also I bring, and they shall hear my voice.
15:04Ladies can now use the gently of theirs in fold.
15:09And there shall be one fold and one shepherd.
15:15Let us pray.
15:18With the Lord's Prayer.
15:22Do you know it?
15:24It's the one from school.
15:27Right.
15:28Good.
15:29Carry on.
15:30Once.
15:32No, not once and right.
15:33Our Father.
15:34Which art in heaven.
15:35Hello.
15:36Hello.
15:37Hello, my name, 19.
15:38I'm very good.
15:40Now I was in London this week.
15:42Is that 390.
15:43390, yeah.
15:45I can't believe the size of some of the vehicles people drive in town, for God's sake.
15:48Chelsea tractors.
15:50Yeah.
15:51Great big four wheelers, all driven by one silly little blonde woman, as far as I can
15:54make it.
15:56Is that 990?
15:57Yeah.
15:58And there's no more room inside.
15:59No, there's less room.
16:00There's less room.
16:01They think they're safer.
16:02Well, only from other people in huge four wheelers, as far as I can see.
16:06In Italy, everyone is happy to drive around in fiat's little purges.
16:10Yeah.
16:11Well, you see, you can park them anywhere.
16:13Oh, it's gone.
16:13Kick him on.
16:14Kick him on.
16:1612.
16:16Yeah.
16:17And now that they say they're going to tax the big people in the Porsche Cayennes now,
16:20they'll be happy about it.
16:21That's the thing.
16:22Well, it makes them feel even richer.
16:23Oh, is that Joy of Nancy?
16:24No, that's William.
16:26557.
16:27Yeah.
16:29Of course, I have got the discovery.
16:32Yes, but you need it.
16:34Is that a four times four?
16:35Yes.
16:36Sure.
16:37I think you've got a differential.
16:39Haven't you?
16:40Is that on the steering wheel?
16:41No, on the gear stick.
16:42Oh, that's all that noise.
16:49What's happening?
16:49He won't do anything.
16:51He won't do anything.
16:52That's because you're not making him do it.
16:53You've got to be the boss.
16:54Don't you understand that?
16:55He's too fat.
16:56He's not too fat.
16:57And whose fault is that he's too fat?
16:58You're supposed to be exercising him as your pony.
17:01Right, give him to me.
17:02I'm here as you need me.
17:03I'll get him over the jump.
17:05Right.
17:06Right.
17:07Honestly, you're absolutely hopeless.
17:09Did you even warm him up?
17:11Yes.
17:11Hmm?
17:12Oh.
17:13Up here so I can get on him, please.
17:15Shouldn't you have a back protector?
17:17Right.
17:18Look, he's completely cold.
17:20He's completely cold.
17:21Oh, my God.
17:24Oh, my God.
17:26Oh, my God.
17:37It's not a harvest ape.
17:39It's a harvest frog.
17:41It's a harvest man.
17:42Ah.
17:43Sorry, may I just ask, when was a cucumber an appropriate fruit?
17:48It's representational.
17:49Well, it's hideous and I won't have it.
17:51You will.
17:52And look, look at these childish daubings in graffiti, blue tacked to the altar.
17:58These were done by the children I teach.
18:00Teach?
18:01Not on this evidence.
18:03God is in da house.
18:05That's appalling.
18:06What?
18:07Yes.
18:09Everything.
18:10This aimless arrangement of stuff.
18:12I mean, couldn't it at least be, you know, artistically clustered?
18:15Why is it randomly dotted everywhere?
18:19Where is the abundance?
18:21Oh, it's all aesthetics with you, Vicar.
18:24It is my church.
18:26It is not your church.
18:28It's God's house.
18:29You know, I didn't mean it's my...
18:31Yes, you did.
18:32You want your own private little kingdom.
18:35Well, you can't have it.
18:36Oh, for God's...
18:37Yeah, good goodness sake.
18:39Look, I don't believe in God and I'm in here doing this just because I was asked to.
18:43Now, Kate, darling, show.
18:44If you don't believe in God, why are you actually here?
18:46I don't think we should go down there.
18:48No, no, no.
18:49No, let's just have a discussion.
18:50If I'm helping!
18:51If you don't know...
18:53If you don't...
18:55Vicar!
18:56Vicar!
18:58Oh, what have you got there, Rosie?
19:00It's a sign from God!
19:01It's a potato.
19:03Ah.
19:04A potato.
19:06Our fresh, I presume, one single misshapen root vegetable.
19:11No, it's a sign from God. Look!
19:13Look!
19:14So it is!
19:16Look at that.
19:17It's Jesus, isn't it?
19:19Yes, it is.
19:21Oh, well done, Rosie.
19:23I didn't make it.
19:24I dug it.
19:25Oh, yes!
19:27Yes, it is like him.
19:30Smaller, but yes.
19:31And you know what?
19:32I dug it in a place I hadn't even planted any teachers.
19:35An immaculate potato.
19:37Yeah, it's a sign from God.
19:40It's my calling, isn't it, Vicar?
19:42Margaret didn't believe me.
19:44She don't want me to become a vicar.
19:45She wants to eat it.
19:47May I have a look?
19:47Yeah.
19:49Oh, how amusing.
19:50Shall we put it up here with the pot noodle and microwave oven chips?
19:56Margaret said you wouldn't believe me.
19:58Vicar does believe you, darling.
20:00I'm sorry, but a few smudges of mud do not an icon make.
20:03Soft words, please, Vicar.
20:07You never know.
20:08You never know.
20:08It might be a sign.
20:09Yeah.
20:10I do not think God gives signs to...
20:14To what?
20:16To nutters?
20:17No, no, no.
20:18Is that what you're saying, Vicar?
20:19No, I didn't.
20:19God would not make a sign to a nutter?
20:21No, I didn't say that.
20:22No, no.
20:22You don't say nutter.
20:23You have to say a person with such and such.
20:25A person with...
20:26Retarded.
20:27No, you can't say that.
20:28Slow.
20:28No, sorry.
20:29Potty.
20:30No.
20:30None of those words.
20:31Shut up.
20:32Margaret.
20:32Let me tell you.
20:33If you...
20:34Nobody...
20:35You're not allowed in church, Margaret.
20:37Go away.
20:38Go away, Margaret.
20:40If you mother said...
20:42Yes, I quite agree, Vicar.
20:44I told her no one would believe her.
20:46She's an utter fool.
20:48No, I'm not.
20:49No, I'm not, Margaret.
20:50Don't say that.
20:51She's an idiot.
20:52A retard.
20:53A nutter.
20:55No, I'm not.
20:56I'm not.
20:56Give me that potato.
20:58No.
20:59I won't.
21:00No, that is my potato.
21:01That is my sign from God.
21:02That's my Jesus.
21:03That is.
21:04Oh, dear.
21:05Go after her, Kate.
21:06I'll never catch her up.
21:08Oh, no, no.
21:08Because I wouldn't know what to do.
21:09For heaven's sake.
21:11We need Sal.
21:12Yes, we do.
21:12Go and get Sal.
21:15You see what you've done, Vicar?
21:18Me?
21:19That is not Jesus.
21:20It's a potato.
21:22It...
21:22It is not.
21:23Just a potato.
21:24Oh, my God.
21:27What's the matter?
21:29Margaret came into the church.
21:32That's bad.
21:34That's very bad.
21:37Poor Rosie.
21:42Look, I'm absolutely fine.
21:44No one has to wait with me.
21:45I'm sure the helicopter will spot me.
21:46Honestly, honestly.
21:50Yeah.
21:50Yeah?
21:51Can I...
21:51Can I use your mobile to call Daddy?
21:53I don't have any credit.
21:56Well, will you tell him that there's yesterday's lunch for supper, and if he doesn't want that,
22:01just give it to the dogs?
22:03Yeah.
22:03All right?
22:03Sure.
22:04All right.
22:12She was really upset.
22:14Okay, but where is Rosie now?
22:15Well, we don't know, because she ran off.
22:16With the Jesus potato?
22:17Our only bit of fresh.
22:19But the point is, Sal, Margaret come into the church.
22:23Oh.
22:23You see, I don't think she's been taking her medication properly.
22:27But there you are, you see.
22:28They've been blaming me for everything.
22:30Why?
22:30What did you do?
22:31He said our frog was an ape.
22:34No, no.
22:35No, he told Rosie that he didn't think the potato with the Jesus small face on it was a sign
22:39from God.
22:40Oh, great.
22:41Because I bet that's what Margaret's been telling her.
22:45Oh, she's going to be very frightened now.
22:47Poor Rosie.
22:48And because of what you said, Margaret is even stronger.
22:52And that is very, very dangerous.
22:54We've got to go and find her.
22:55I'm just...
22:56No.
22:56Sorry.
22:57This is madness.
22:58Margaret is not a person.
23:00A muddy potato does not make a calling.
23:02I was just being honest.
23:04Yes, but not sensitive.
23:06And not kind.
23:09Are you taking your medication?
23:13Well, I...
23:14Oh, you stupid idiot.
23:16You can be a real grumpy old bastard sometimes.
23:19You really can.
23:19And now you have hurt someone very badly.
23:22Well, you'd better come with me.
23:23We've got to put this right.
23:24Come on.
23:25Oh, can I be of any help?
23:26No.
23:26No, Queenie.
23:27Oh, God.
23:28Then I'll stay here and place packets.
23:31Can I help?
23:32No, no.
23:32But I suppose you'll still come.
23:34Yes.
23:36You're a bit sharp with the vicar, sir.
23:39No, I haven't even started yet, Ali.
23:41Annie said she was slow.
23:42I did not say slow.
23:44Cut it up.
23:46No.
23:47No, you bloody silly little shit.
23:49Do you know what a kind of idiot you look like?
23:52Just cut it up.
23:54Stay here.
23:54I'll stay here.
23:55Stick that fork in yourself, you silly little retard.
23:58No.
23:59No.
24:00I love my Jesus potato.
24:02I love him.
24:02Well, the vicar thinks you're an idiot.
24:04Stupid little retard.
24:06It's not Jesus.
24:08Vicar said so, you bloody stupid little shit.
24:14Hello, Margaret.
24:16What do you want?
24:18Well, I think I want what you want.
24:21Well, what's that?
24:22To get rid of Rosie.
24:23I mean, she's becoming a complete pain.
24:25You're a snivelling little retard.
24:28Yes, yes, yes.
24:29So, it would be a good idea if I could just speak to her.
24:32See if I can sort it all out.
24:34You tell her to do away with herself.
24:36Yeah, okay.
24:36So, if I could just speak to her for a second?
24:39Well, just for a second.
24:40Yes.
24:41Yes.
24:43Rosie?
24:43Yes?
24:44Oh, Sal!
24:45Sal!
24:46Margaret wants me to hurt myself.
24:48I didn't want to.
24:49No, no, no.
24:50Oh, look.
24:50It's okay, Rosie.
24:51Oh, no, no.
24:52Shh.
24:53No, you're all right, darling.
24:54You're all right.
24:54Breathe.
24:58Oh, no, no, no, no.
25:00Listen to me.
25:01It's going to be all right.
25:02Just me.
25:04Just me.
25:04The vicar wants to speak to you.
25:07Hello, Rosie.
25:08Oh.
25:10Oh.
25:13Oh.
25:14Oh.
25:14Oh.
25:14Oh.
25:14Oh.
25:16Oh.
25:16Oh.
25:17Oh.
25:19Oh.
25:20May I?
25:21Oh.
25:25Oh.
25:27I think the face of Jesus is very clearly on this potato.
25:37even clearer I bless this potato in the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
25:52Oh, Margaret's not happy about this.
25:55Tell her to go away. Yeah, I have.
25:58So, Vicar, that is a holy potato now.
26:00Don't be so ridiculous. Shut up, Margaret!
26:05Yes, it is now a holy potato.
26:10Oh, so it was my sign from God?
26:13Yes, it was as much for me as for you, I think.
26:19Oh, like a wake-up call.
26:22Possibly.
26:23Rosie, I owe you an apology.
26:26God gave me a sign that I've been rather ungenerous.
26:33Oh.
26:36Oh.
26:37Oh, Jesus is crying.
26:40Oh, dear.
26:41Oh.
26:42Bugger.
26:43Don't look much like Jesus anymore, do it?
26:45That one's got alopecia.
26:46It's a holy ball potato, Rosie.
26:49Yeah.
26:51I don't mind that.
26:52Because I've still got this.
26:54Oh.
26:56The shroud?
26:58Yeah.
26:59That is Jesus's face, isn't it, Vicar?
27:02Mm.
27:03The shroud of Clatterford.
27:09I bless the Holy Shroud of Clatterford.
27:13In the name.
27:14In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
27:19Amen.
27:21Amen.
27:23Well done, Rosie, my darling.
27:25Come on, let's get you out.
27:28Come on, let's have a group hug.
27:29Let's have a group hug.
27:30Come on.
27:31Lovely cake.
27:31All right.
27:32Well done.
27:34Really?
27:34Yeah.
27:37But...
27:38But?
27:39It could all have been avoided if you'd done your job properly in the first place.
27:44Point taken.
27:46But sometimes, trying to be Vicar around here is like ploughing bloody concrete.
27:58We are the Village Green Preservation Society.
28:04God save Donald Duck, Vauderville and Variety.
28:09We are the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society.
28:14And all the safe strawberry jam and all the different varieties.
28:20You still talking to God, Vicar?
28:22Yes, I am, actually.
28:23Oh.
28:24Because I'm not talking to Margaret.
28:26Good.
28:31The Holy Clatterford Shroud.
28:34The Holy Clatterford Trowd.
28:36Wow.
28:38Oh.
28:40Wow.
28:41Oh.
28:42Oh.
28:43Oh.
28:44Oh!
28:45No.
28:47Yeah!
28:49No.
28:51Oh.
28:54Oh.
28:55Oh.
28:56Oh.
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