- 7 minutes ago
1990 SITCOM "Tom Ballard is put into the Bayview Retirement Village by his weak-willed son Geoffrey and his domineering, drunk daughter-in-law Marion. Many of the residents are very passive, but retired journalist Diana Trent's mission in life is to annoy "the idiot Bains"--the home's manager, Harvey Nigel Bains. " IMDB Starring Stephanie Cole, Graham Crowden, Daniel Hill, Janine Duvitski, Andrew Tourell, Sandra Payne
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TVTranscript
00:19Thank you
00:49That should keep the mad Huns and the yellow hordes at bay.
00:53Not to mention daft old goats called Tom.
00:57Harvey says that wall has got to go, Diane.
01:00If you do not take it down voluntarily, he will, er...
01:04What? Come and huff and puff and blow my wall down?
01:08Invoke the structural alterations to premises without prior consultation with the management,
01:14the board and the planning committee clause in your contract of residency.
01:18Well, you just tell little Harvey that if just one millimetre of his smallest toenail comes across my doorstep,
01:26he will be the happy recipient of a ten megaton exploding suppository.
01:30Goodbye.
01:31Diana, please.
01:32That wall stays until Tom apologises for asking me to shack up with him in order to save money.
01:38Did you make that clear to him?
01:39Well, I tried, but he just said you were being more bloody-minded than usual.
01:44He said you were like a mad snake, eating itself from the tail upwards.
01:49I can't see how that would work myself.
01:52And then Daisy Williams came along and dragged him off.
01:56What's that little Dresden Hitler up to?
01:59Well, she's got Harvey around her little finger.
02:01And Tom too, by the sound of it.
02:03Oh, I don't think anyone could come between you and Tom.
02:06What?
02:06Oh, you needn't be jealous of her, Diana.
02:09Jealous? Me?
02:11I'm not jealous.
02:12I have never been jealous.
02:14I would never tolerate an emotion based on the wayward and fickle affections of a mere man.
02:19I don't believe you, Diana.
02:21Naughty, naughty, fibby, fibby.
02:24Bogey man will get your blood.
02:27Beam her up, Scotty.
02:30You can't fool me, Diana.
02:33I am also a woman.
02:34Really?
02:36Diana.
02:37Listen, Jane, just because you cull your entire emotional life from the drifting candy floss guff of the latest Mills
02:44and Boone
02:45does not mean that everyone does.
02:47I happen to be a self-contained unit.
02:50I do not need a man about the place.
02:52Particularly not a bumbling old golf bag like Tom.
02:56I don't think you're listening to your heart, Diana.
02:59Diana, go away.
03:01That wall stays until Tom sees the error of his ways.
03:05Yes, Diana.
03:07Oh, could you again sort out the stallholders for this year's fate?
03:13Why not?
03:13Last year we only lost 200 pounds.
03:15This year, if we really put our backs into it, we could bankrupt the place.
03:21That's right, put it down there.
03:23Just a minute.
03:24Oh, you really are very clumsy, Jane.
03:26Please do straighten up, Jane.
03:28This is a jolly good idea, Daisy.
03:30Well, of course it is.
03:31I've run a few messes in my time, and my motto was always mucking and tucking all chaps together.
03:37None of this individual table nonsense.
03:40The team that eats together wins together.
03:44Isn't that so, Tom?
03:45Jane, what did they win?
03:47Wars, of course.
03:49And I want to make you my second in command.
03:53Oh, really?
03:55What would my rank be?
03:57Well, I wouldn't dream of working with anyone below a full colonel.
04:02Colonel, eh?
04:03Colonel Tom.
04:04Yes, that sounds very right.
04:06Colonel Tom.
04:07Ready to go over the top, sir.
04:09He's been over the top for years.
04:12Now, everyone will have to sit together.
04:14That's Diana's table.
04:16I'm not sure this will meet with everyone's approval.
04:18Of course it will, Tom.
04:19It's just what we've always needed round here.
04:21A bit of uniformity, strict mealtimes, any one menu.
04:23Save a fortune in food and overtime.
04:25Oh, for goodness sake, Jane.
04:27Sorry, Harth.
04:28Come along, Colonel Tom.
04:29We have lots to do.
04:31Now, what we need is more recreation.
04:34Yes.
04:34Organised.
04:35I want you to rustle up a few medicine balls.
04:38Medicine balls?
04:38I don't know what Diana will say.
04:41There's going to be blood all over the walls.
04:54Ah.
04:55What do you want?
04:57I don't want anything.
04:59I was just saying, um, I can't remember.
05:04You want to apologise?
05:06Do I?
05:07What for?
05:08For being rude to me.
05:10You mean, asking you to share your life with me?
05:13It wasn't your life you were asking me to share.
05:14It was your rent.
05:15You asked me to shack up with you.
05:18As if I were some sort of itinerant teenage slattern.
05:21Oh, it was just an expression.
05:23It was an attitude, Tom.
05:25You have so little regard for my feelings or me
05:29that you thought you could toss me some sort of mouldy old bone
05:32and I'd think it was bloody Christmas.
05:34What would you want?
05:36Marriage?
05:40I used to be an accountant, you know.
05:42Economy comes as naturally to me as being a vicious old prune comes to you.
05:47I didn't know you were going to have a fit about it.
05:51Jane Russell and Beatty Bardot were quite happy to share their costs with me.
05:54It wasn't all hot passion, you know.
05:57Oh, no.
05:57At the end of the day, we still had to toss up our chitties.
06:06Maybe I'll get someone else to share with me.
06:09There must be somebody around here with a bit of common sense.
06:16So, that's the programme, chaps.
06:18More togetherness, more planning, more organisation
06:21so that we can all rattle along as one big happy family.
06:25Any questions, observations, ideas?
06:28Uh, Daisy...
06:29Not now, Basil.
06:29Well, jolly good, so that's a good one.
06:32Now, we shall need a coordinator of activities.
06:37Any nominations.
06:39Tom?
06:40Oh, I nominate you, is that right?
06:42Oh, what a surprise!
06:45And I second that, so that's agreed.
06:47I'm in charge.
06:48And I elect Tom as my ADC.
06:52Right, now, we can all tuck in.
07:28Well, come along.
07:29Come on, Jenny, get it up.
07:31I'm afraid the tables stay where they are.
07:34I beg your pardon?
07:35It's all part of the new order, my dear.
07:38We are all agreed that it is much more conducive to good morale
07:42if we all sit together and talk together at mealtimes.
07:47And do we all sing the Horst Vessel song before pudding?
07:51Yes, well, that is the sort of remark one might expect from a communist.
07:55Oh!
07:57Tom?
07:59I don't believe we are talking to each other, Diana.
08:04I see.
08:05And you are all in agreement with this, are you?
08:08Basil?
08:11Unanimous.
08:12Now, do sit down, Miss Trent.
08:14When I want to break bread with a bunch of headless chickens and a goose-stepping turkey,
08:19I'll let you know.
08:26Well, there is always one.
08:29Never mind.
08:30She'll come round.
08:31They always do when they see that my way is the best.
08:35Besides, now that we're all united, there isn't much choice.
08:39Is there, Tom?
08:41Er, no, no.
08:42I suppose not.
08:51Right, everybody ready?
08:53Harvey?
08:54Absolutely.
08:56Jane?
08:57Yes?
08:58And Colonel Tom?
09:02Right, off we go!
09:04Whistle!
09:15What on earth is going on?
09:18Daisy Williams wants to make everyone fit.
09:21He said, kill them all.
09:23That's probably what Harvey's counting on.
09:26What's Tom doing?
09:27Oh, he's a colonel now.
09:29Says he's going to take to Brook before tea time.
09:36How does one go about resigning from the human race?
09:43Come on, Tom!
09:45Come on!
09:46A promise, Tom!
09:50Oh, no!
09:52I see.
09:57Ah, the cup that cheers but not inebriates.
10:01The sweet goo that kept the empire stuck together.
10:06Who said that?
10:07I did, just now.
10:11I suppose I put that up to keep out that dreadful Trent woman.
10:15Oh, she's all right.
10:17No, she is not, Tom.
10:19Believe me, I know the type.
10:21Fifth columnists.
10:22It was people like her, free thinkers that lost us the empire.
10:26No team spirit.
10:28She does not care for her fellow man.
10:30She can't stand her fellow man.
10:34Precisely.
10:37There have got to be a lot of changes around here if I'm going to stay.
10:42There's far too much isolation in this place.
10:44I think there should be more communal living, shared kitchens, shared living areas.
10:49Economies of scale.
10:51Just what I was saying to Diana.
10:53Of course, Harvey Baines will have to go.
10:57Harvey?
10:57Oh, yes.
10:58Hopeless incompetent.
10:59And that flimsy fish Jane.
11:02I can't tell you Jane.
11:04No place for waverers in our new world, Tom.
11:08Oh.
11:09I shall put in a report to the shareholders.
11:12Do you know any shareholders?
11:14My son and daughter-in-law seem to have a stake in the place.
11:17Good.
11:17We'll get on to them.
11:19Soon have the waverers packing their bags.
11:22But, Daisy, you shouldn't throw the bath out with a water baby.
11:34Basil.
11:35Betty.
11:37Oh.
11:38What is it?
11:39I was just about to belt Betty's balls clean over the fence.
11:43He's doing what?
11:44Ah, well, er...
11:45Now then, Betty, last year you were working the candy floss machine.
11:49Yes.
11:50Not very successfully, as I recall.
11:52Lady Mayores, totally covered in huge globs of pink slime.
11:56Raffle tickets this year, I think.
11:57Now, Basil.
11:58Diana.
11:59You had yourself down as wanting to lead the red arrows in a formation flypast.
12:06Try not to be loony, Basil.
12:08One loony round here is quite enough.
12:09Diana.
12:10Now, you will run the bite the apple in the bowl of water.
12:13And this year, teeth must be kept in the mouth.
12:17Diana.
12:17What?
12:19It's all done.
12:20What is it?
12:21Stall allocation.
12:23Betty's on pink elephants.
12:25White elephants.
12:26And I'm on donkey rides.
12:27And who has done this allocating?
12:30Daisy Williams.
12:32I see.
12:36Tears before bedtime.
12:38Just not quite sure who's.
12:44She's what?
12:46She's planning on having you removed.
12:48And me.
12:49Never mind you, Jane.
12:50Just stick to the important bit.
12:52How has she managed to have me removed?
12:53Well, she's going to prove to the board and the shareholders that you are incompetent.
12:58Well, how on earth could she do that?
13:00Don't answer that question, Jane.
13:02Well, well, little Miss Daisy.
13:03Little Miss Daisy wouldn't melt butter in my mouth, Miss Daisy.
13:06You poisonous little witch!
13:09I've been so nice to her, Jane.
13:10Oh, you have, Harvey.
13:12Well, you're nice to everyone.
13:14Is Diana Trent behind this?
13:15Is she, Jane?
13:16Is she?
13:16Is she?
13:17I knew she was.
13:18She's behind everything.
13:19She's in all my worst nightmares.
13:21Must be her.
13:21It's always her.
13:22It's not her.
13:24It could be Tom, though.
13:25Tom without Diana?
13:26I doubt it, Jane.
13:28Tom couldn't find his own nose without a guide dog.
13:30Well, I think Daisy's taking Diana's place.
13:33She seems to be his guiding light now, and she's just as tough as Diana.
13:37Oh, God, I can't have two warrior women crashing round the place.
13:41One of them will have to go.
13:42Which one?
13:43I don't know.
13:44What a choice.
13:44If you get rid of Lucretia Borgia, you're still left with Ivana the Terrible.
13:50This Daisy Williams really seems to be on the ball, Dad.
13:53Oh, she is.
13:53I mean, this is just an interim report on the way she thinks things should be restructured
13:57around here.
13:58I must say, it's jolly impressive.
14:00Oh, she is very impressive.
14:02We think she's what you might call a good influence.
14:04Not like that child-eater next door.
14:07No, no, she's not like Diana, I must say.
14:11And if the old snakeskin won't move in with you, then maybe Daisy will.
14:15You can set a trend.
14:17Get them all sharing, then we can cut the cost, squeeze in more of them, and at last
14:22turn a bit of a profit.
14:24What do you say?
14:26May I show you to your car?
14:29Got another appointment, have you, Dad?
14:31No, Geoffrey, I just feel one of my must-strangle-marion fits coming on.
14:36Oh, you're a funny old possum, aren't you?
14:39Well, bye-bye, Tom.
14:42Oh, do leave the door open.
14:44It's awfully whiffy in here.
14:53Geoffrey, there are poisons, you know.
14:55which are almost untraceable.
14:57Yes, thank you, Dad.
14:58Now, don't let Daisy slip through your fingers.
15:00She's a topsoil, Dad.
15:12Right, Jenny.
15:13Here are this week's menus.
15:15Pass them on to chef for me.
15:18There's Yorkshire pudding every other day.
15:20Yes, that's right.
15:21And bangers and mash and mutton stew.
15:24Oh, good English food.
15:26I never could see the point of that French fiddle-faddle
15:28that's creeping in all over the place.
15:30Well, go on.
15:31Off you go.
15:33Hello.
15:34Do you know what the French say about our cooking?
15:37I'm sure I don't.
15:39The English have a hundred different religions,
15:41but only one source.
15:43Yes, well, it was probably remarks like that
15:45that started the Hundred Years' War.
15:47Which we lost.
15:49For the moment.
15:51Oh.
15:52Did you want something?
15:54Yes.
15:56What are your intentions towards Tom Ballard?
16:00I'm sorry.
16:01I didn't quite catch that.
16:03Standing too close to the guns.
16:06Sorry.
16:08I said, what do you feel about Tom?
16:13What is that to you?
16:14When you pension off your old cart horse,
16:17you want to make sure that he has a comfy pasture
16:19and a bag of oats.
16:21Are you calling me a bag of oats?
16:23Well, you're certainly not a comfy pasture.
16:27Does this mean that you are thinking of leaving?
16:32Well, one of us has to.
16:35Not necessarily.
16:36All you have to do is pull with the team.
16:39Be a decent member of the community.
16:40As I said, one of us has to.
16:43I see.
16:44Well, who knows what the future may hold,
16:47but I think you may rest assured
16:50that the British officer knows how to care for his men.
16:55Well, I suppose that'll have to do.
16:59Oh, by the way,
17:00he gets very bad sciatica during the winter.
17:04All down his left leg.
17:05And it's also his Mount Everest climbing season.
17:08So make sure he doesn't sit on the roof too long
17:10when it's snowing.
17:15This report is treachery, Jane.
17:17She says I'm a totally unnecessary person.
17:20Do you want to get rid of me, too?
17:22If this gets back to the board, I could be in real trouble.
17:25And I don't want to lose my jaw.
17:26Me, too.
17:27Will you stop being so self-centred, Jane?
17:30It's all, Harvey.
17:34We're going to have to get Diana on our side.
17:36Oh, God, I'm going to have to be nice to her.
17:40How do I look, Jane?
17:41Oh, gorgeous, Harvey.
17:44Oh, Diana!
17:45How totally fantastically wonderful to see you.
17:49Shut up.
17:50The only reason you've got your office up here
17:52is so that half of us can't get at you.
17:55Oh, I do love your little jest, Diana.
17:57And I must say, you are looking smashing today.
18:00I bet all the local Dom Wands are hanging round your door, eh?
18:04You're gibbering, Harvey.
18:05Thank you, Diana.
18:07And you smell of fear and cheap aftershave.
18:09It wasn't cheap.
18:11I mean, um...
18:13Smell of fear?
18:14No doubt comes from this.
18:17You know about this?
18:18Not a leaf falls.
18:19Yes, and I suppose you're right behind it.
18:21No, not at all.
18:22So you'll help us bury it?
18:24Get this daisy person on her bike?
18:27Nope.
18:28What?
18:29N-O, no.
18:30But I don't understand.
18:32What part of the word no do you not understand?
18:35But why not?
18:36Because of Tom.
18:38Tom?
18:39Well, he, er...
18:40He needs someone in his life or he tends to fall apart.
18:42And I'm obviously not the right person.
18:45But I'm sure Mrs Williams has strength enough for both of them.
18:49I would not stand in their way.
18:51Oh, how wonderful.
18:54Oh, you really are a Christian person.
18:57Oh, shut up, Diana.
18:59You mean, you'd give in?
19:01Leave just so as old Tom can have a bit of happiness?
19:04I probably would.
19:05Good grief.
19:06You really are a barmy old coot, aren't you?
19:09Are they?
19:13Here we go, Tom.
19:15Thank you, Jenny.
19:17Tom?
19:18Hmm?
19:20You know you're the biggest wally ever to draw breath, don't you?
19:26Have they put you on new pills, Basil?
19:29In fact, I think you may be the most stupid man I've ever met.
19:33And I was in the army for ten years.
19:37What have I done?
19:38You have let Daisy Williams put you in blinkers and drag you round by the nose.
19:45You deserve to have your ears boxed.
19:47I'd do it myself if I wasn't so knackered with being the local Casanova.
19:52You're not being a touch rude, are you, Basil?
19:55I hope so.
19:57Diana may be one of the most malevolent old crabs to crawl up the beach,
20:02but at least she's not one of these half-pint sergeant majors
20:06trying to get us to invade Germany every 20 minutes.
20:09Are you trying to tell me something, Basil?
20:15Ahoy there!
20:16Anyone aboard?
20:18Go away, Tom.
20:21What-ho?
20:24What are you doing in here?
20:25You belong over there.
20:26I've come to take you to lunch.
20:28I'm lunching here.
20:29No, you're not.
20:30You're lunching in the dining room.
20:32I have no desire to mess with the boys
20:35whilst being harangued by that short-arse Genghis Khan.
20:39Do it for me.
20:41I've already done quite enough for you, Tom.
20:44Go away.
20:45It's important to my future.
20:48You mean, if I can't be brought to heel,
20:51you'll lose face in the eyes of your daisy love?
20:55Maybe.
20:57You're pathetic.
21:00Pass me my stick.
21:08Now, I am thinking of putting up a sort of daily roster
21:12and a positive thought for the day every morning.
21:16Okay?
21:17Do speak up if you don't agree.
21:19Uh, Daisy.
21:21Not now, Basil.
21:22Good.
21:22So that's a good one.
21:23The new company notice board will be in the corridor out there.
21:29Well, hello there.
21:31Hello, Colonel.
21:33And welcome, Diana.
21:36How nice to see you in the dining room again.
21:39May we assume from your presence here
21:40that you have decided to join us in the new order of things?
21:44You may.
21:44Well, I'll be jiggled.
21:47How splendid.
21:49Do come and sit at your place.
21:51It has not been reallocated yet.
21:55You're right, old place.
21:58Hold it.
22:05Step aside, please.
22:07Tom?
22:12Tom!
22:14Quiet, woman.
22:16Tom, what are you doing?
22:17Diana, your rightful place.
22:20Hooray!
22:21Thank you, Tom.
22:23Stop it.
22:24Stop it at once.
22:26Sorry, old thing.
22:28But you see, the people here,
22:30well, they're here because they have survived,
22:32not just because they're old,
22:34but because they have been made with the right stuff.
22:37Independence, self-reliance,
22:40being an individual.
22:41There's a time and place for armies and teams
22:44and pulling together,
22:45and over the years, I'm sure they've all done that.
22:48But this is their time now.
22:50Our time.
22:51Not a time to be bullied or dragooned,
22:53but a time to enjoy.
22:55A time to reflect.
22:58A time to smile.
22:59Ha, ha!
23:01Ha, ha!
23:02Ha, ha, ha!
23:10Where did you get that bloody awful speech from?
23:12From nowhere.
23:13I just said it.
23:14Bet Jimmy Stewart said it first.
23:16No, he did not.
23:17I thought you were rather taken with her.
23:20No, I was swept along by her.
23:24We all were.
23:25Well, I wasn't.
23:26No, but you're not a normal human being.
23:29Appeals to your community spirit
23:30might just as well be addressed in Urdu
23:32to an emu for all the effect they're going to have.
23:34Appeals to jingoistic spirits,
23:36forming teams that desire to inflict your views
23:39on all around you.
23:40Fascism, Tom.
23:42Oh, patriotism.
23:43It's a fine line.
23:46Mm, yeah.
23:48So, what is happening to Daisy?
23:50Oh, Daisy.
23:51She thinks you're all a pack of pinkos,
23:53and she's going back to Aldershot
23:55to the El Alamein retirement home.
23:58Ha, ha, ha.
23:58I shall miss her.
23:59I was looking forward to a good punch-up.
24:01Yes.
24:03Why didn't you?
24:03We were all expecting you to come out fighting.
24:06Why did you let her off so easily?
24:09Why?
24:11Oh, maybe I'm getting a bit old, Tom.
24:14Oh.
24:15Well, I'm glad the old Berlin Wall's gone.
24:18You understood?
24:19Well, I didn't take to being opportune in that manner.
24:21You mean asking you to shack up with me?
24:25Yes, I do.
24:26Well, what if I had phrased it differently?
24:28How?
24:29Well, what if I had said,
24:32look, Diana,
24:33we're a couple of old battered buses.
24:36Why don't we just ring the last bell
24:38and trundle off to the old scrapyard together, eh?
24:42What if I had said it like that,
24:44romantically?
24:46Oh, goodness.
24:48As romantically as that, eh?
24:50Yes, well, I'm British.
24:52As a nation,
24:53we're all a bit constipated
24:54when it comes to paying compliments.
24:56I just thought it'd be nice
24:57if we had lived together.
24:58Well, why didn't you say that?
25:02Clean, simple, to the point?
25:04Really?
25:05Yes, I wouldn't have taken offence at that.
25:08Oh?
25:10Oh.
25:13All right.
25:14I'll try it.
25:15A clean, simple, straightforward question.
25:21Diana.
25:23Uh, Tom.
25:24Yes?
25:25You ask a simple question,
25:26you'll get a simple answer.
25:27And I promise you.
25:29Be it yes or no,
25:30you'll regret it.
25:31Well, no.
25:32You'll feel rejected.
25:34Yes?
25:35You'll regret it.
25:38Uh, would I really?
25:40Oh, believe me.
25:41I live with me.
25:42It's hell.
25:42I wish I could move out.
25:45Uh, so I'd better put the film back on the spool
25:48and rewind to the point
25:50where Fred pops the question to Ginger.
25:55Hmm, hmm, hmm.
25:56Good idea.
25:57Dear old Ginger Rogers,
25:59we had a lot of laughs together.
26:01Did you know her well?
26:02We did eight films together.
26:04Of course you did.
26:10Ginger.
26:11Fred?
26:12Would you care to step outside
26:14and cut the rug with me?
26:15I'd be delighted.
26:24Heaven, I'm in heaven
26:26And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak
26:31And I seem to find the happiness I see
26:34Tom?
26:35Yes, Diana?
26:36I'd like to tell you something.
26:38Are you sure, Diana?
26:39Oh, I'm sure, Tom.
26:41So what do you want to tell me, Diana?
26:42You're just trodden on my foot,
26:44you great clumsy...
26:45Sorry!
26:47Oh!
26:47Oh!
26:50Oh!
26:51Oh!
26:53Oh!
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