- 5 weeks ago
1990 SITCOM "Tom's belief that one should always tell the truth offends Jane, who has made herself look glamorous to appeal to Harvey and Tom says she looks hideous. He also upsets Marion by telling her what he thinks of her, leading to a big row. " IMDB Starring Stephanie Cole, Graham Crowden, Daniel Hill, Janine Duvitski, Andrew Tourell, Sandra Payne
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:24Piano music
00:42that's the matter wind been at me all night it must be yesterday's dead dog
00:59stew well better an empty house and a bad tenant we'll just don't do your evicting in here
01:06dear miss trent how do they know my name probably looked at the envelope
01:15oh dear miss trent you have probably already won two thousand pounds pig's bummer huh
01:24nobody gets anything for nothing tom now if they had said dear miss trent the likelihood of a
01:30decrepit old prune like you winning more than a nap's knickers is about 10 million to one
01:34well then i might have read further i don't suppose they aim their campaigns at just one
01:39particularly perverse old bat nasty little people in fact i think we might see the sun trees over
01:46long before we see that kind of honesty in advertising honesty in anything come to that
01:53honesty is the great lost art of our time now what on earth does that mean i don't know
01:59it sounded quite good it wouldn't be nice if we were all honest it wouldn't be a bloody disastrous
02:06this delicate ramshackle shed of our existence is only saved from toppling over the cliff of life
02:11by the strands and web of deceit which anchor it to the crumbling lime would you care to repeat
02:17that no but it hopes not it's only monday and her metaphors are already wildly out of control what i'm
02:25saying is that we are brought up on lies and dishonesty right from the beginning what is the first
02:29thing that a child hears oh what a beautiful baby and it probably looks like a diseased tomato
02:37i was a beautiful baby yes well i'm sure they told you that every little boy is told that he's
02:43going to
02:43grow up to be something amazing then he spends the rest of his life trying to work out why he's
02:48just a
02:48tedious bit of gormless cannon fodder picking his nose with a shovel man is the only species that tells
02:54it's such a pity we should all be honest about everything all the time oh it'd never catch on
03:02from now on i'm going to be honest in everything i say it might catch on and the world will
03:09be a
03:09better place all thanks to tom ballard explorer and philosopher and well-known fruit loop
03:15you may mock but just remember mighty oaks come from little crab apples
03:24bloody old fool
03:31oh my god hello morning diana
03:41good morning diana
03:46on the good ship lollipop it's a quick trip to the candy shop what are you doing
03:52i may not be a very important person but i would like to be acknowledged as at least existing when
04:00i
04:00come into a room jane when i am reading my private mail in my own private cell i do not
04:06expect to be
04:07assailed by tap dancing ding-a-lings what do you want i'm just doing my rounds oh you've got a
04:13letter
04:13yes from my niece the clapham strangler the one who wants to kill me
04:18she thinks you're the bee's knees
04:21well she wants to get married oh so do i oh isn't that nice
04:27oh jane you're stopping so wet
04:28morning jane
04:30morning tom diana's niece is getting married
04:34it's my news the lovely sarah how wonderful well she's bringing her intended down here oh mustn't it
04:41be wonderful to have an intended
04:45dada dada do you jane take this man oh yes i do i do i do i do
04:53dada oh shut up woman oh i'm sorry i just get
04:57carried away when there's romance in the air
04:59you'll never get married jane
05:02What?
05:03Not a chance.
05:04Tom?
05:05We must be honest at all times.
05:07No.
05:08I mean, if ever there was a spinster, it's you, Jane.
05:11No man in his right mind even could then notice you,
05:14let alone take a second look.
05:16Is that true, Diana?
05:18No, Jane, it certainly is not true.
05:20Tom is just playing some rather silly psychological party game.
05:23I am being honest.
05:26Jane, you are never going to get within 100 miles of Harvey Bay.
05:30Aren't I?
05:30Not a chance.
05:31You must realize that in the great swimming pool of life,
05:35Harvey Baynes is permanently at the shallow end.
05:37Harvey is a man of great depth.
05:39He has about as much depth as a puddle in a drought.
05:43His ideal woman is something that looks good with his car,
05:46something that will prop up his well-justified lack of self-esteem.
05:50A glamorized, sexy doxy.
05:53That's what he wants.
05:55A beauty queen.
05:57A beauty queen?
05:58Yes, he's certainly not going to be interested in someone
06:00who looks like a left over from a jumble sale.
06:11I want you to help me check out this chappy my niece is so keen on,
06:15but I want you to keep your mouth shut under this honesty-clap trap.
06:18It's very hard to waver once you're on the path to righteousness.
06:21Well, one wrong word and you'll get my stick up your path to righteousness.
06:25Look, here they come.
06:27I'll just, just button your lip.
06:32Hello, Auntie.
06:34Don't call me Auntie, you revolting child.
06:38Hello, Tom.
06:39Hello.
06:40You're looking well.
06:41I had a terrible night with my wind.
06:45Diana, Tom, I'd like you to meet my fiancée, Sam Parry.
06:50How do you do, Miss Trent?
06:52I've heard so much about you.
06:53You're Sarah's great hero.
06:55She always was a silly child.
06:56Hello, Tom.
06:57Right, come on.
06:58Let's all go and eat.
07:00You'll find the food quite revolting.
07:03Today, it's cat stew and eyeball soup.
07:09So, what do you do, Sam?
07:11Oh, you mean, what are my prospects?
07:13No, no, no, not at all.
07:15If Sarah's chosen you, well, that's fine by me.
07:18Apart from her occasional attempts to kill me,
07:20I've always found her to be a very sound judgment,
07:24especially since she gave up running the knocking shops.
07:28What?
07:29Diana thought that running a model agency
07:31was akin to running a brothel.
07:33Well, it's the same business, isn't it?
07:34You've got it, you sell it, you've still got it.
07:37That's enough.
07:38I now have three beauty parlours.
07:40Well, still pandering to women's weaknesses and insecurities.
07:44She's a sad, twisted old woman.
07:45Take no notice of her.
07:47A sack full of broken crockery.
07:48Thank you, Tom.
07:49Dead in everything but body.
07:51Well, that's not like you, Tom.
07:53You're usually such a nice man.
07:55Well, I'm still a nice man.
07:57I just happen to be a nice, honest man.
08:00You'll be a nice, honest dead man if you don't watch it.
08:03So, what do you do, Sam?
08:05Well, I'm in promotions and property.
08:07Wheeling and dealing, shaving the percentage.
08:11Commodities, franchises, bit of spec stuff.
08:13In and out of risk properties.
08:14Well, you know what they say.
08:15If it moves, buy, buy, buy.
08:17If it stops, sell, sell, sell.
08:18Well, isn't he clever?
08:21Clever?
08:22I think he's an absolute...
08:25Are you all right?
08:26Fine, fine.
08:27Just a spot of wind backing up the hard way.
08:30Oh.
08:32Oh, my God.
08:34Jane, she'd been in an accident.
08:37No, she is a beauty queen.
08:41Hi, Harvey.
08:42Hi.
08:43Yes, hi.
08:44It's such a privilege to be here on this glorious night in this wonderful place.
08:50Jane, this is the dining room at lunchtime.
08:53Oh, you're so funny.
08:54What's the matter with you?
08:56My hobbies are travel and world peace.
08:59What?
09:00For my talent piece, I'd like to sing my song.
09:05Somewhere out of a rainbow.
09:08Jane, Jane!
09:09I love animals.
09:10I'm curling up with a good book.
09:13I'm a real homebody.
09:15Have you gone right out of your mind?
09:17I really want to work with small children.
09:20And what's the matter with your face?
09:21Has someone hit you with a hedgehog?
09:23You look absolutely hideous.
09:26Yes, well, I'll see you in my office.
09:30I'm so sorry.
09:32She's a spinster, you know.
09:38Well done, Tom.
09:39I don't think I could have perpetrated such a miserably humiliating scene,
09:44even on one of my best days.
09:46So much for honesty.
09:47Oh.
09:48Well, you can't make an omni without cracking a few heads.
09:53I must try it out and marry her.
09:57What ho, Geoffrey.
09:59Lovely to see you.
10:01Hello.
10:01Is there a crisis, Dad?
10:03Life is a crisis, Geoffrey.
10:05But I have the solution.
10:07Follow me.
10:09Did you bring my pills?
10:10I feel a tumour coming on.
10:13Hello.
10:14Geoffrey, Marion.
10:16Tom's daughter-in-law bites the heads off hamsters.
10:19Sarah said you were a great joker.
10:21I wasn't joking.
10:24So, what is this wonderful scheme you're going to tell me about?
10:27Sam's had a brilliant idea.
10:29Oh.
10:31Oh, Jane.
10:32Yes, Harvey?
10:34What can I say, Jane?
10:36Jane?
10:37I know that, Jane.
10:39Jane.
10:40Jane.
10:41Jane.
10:44Jane.
10:44Jane.
10:44Jane.
11:11Well, you should ask me why I did it.
11:15You wanted to be a beauty queen.
11:46Oh, Jane.
11:48We're not talking to the rattlers and gurglers, do we?
11:50No, Harvey.
11:51And cook always gets so moody when people snuff it at mealtimes.
11:54Yes, Harvey.
11:55So, no more jokes about beauty queens, okay, Jane?
11:58And you tell Tom to keep his nose out of my love life, okay?
12:01I'll see you later.
12:03Beauty queen.
12:05Oh, that's very funny, Jane.
12:13Franchises?
12:14Hmm, franchises.
12:15Same businesses all over the country.
12:17Oh, you mean like McDonald's and things?
12:18Right.
12:19Sam's going to sell franchises in my beauty parlors.
12:22Well, where do I come into this?
12:24We want you to run the Bournemouth franchise.
12:27Goodness.
12:29And I thought I was almost dead.
12:32And as Brutus says in Julius Caesar,
12:35Cassius, there is no terror in your threats,
12:37for I am armed so strong in honesty
12:39that they pass me by as the idle wind.
12:43A quotation that is doubly relevant to me today
12:46as not only does it support honesty,
12:48but the references to idle wind
12:51are somewhat pertinent as well.
12:53And as Juvenal says in his satires,
12:57Probatis laudator et alget,
12:59Don.
13:00Honesty is praised and starved.
13:03Don.
13:03So from now on,
13:04I have decided that honesty will starve no longer.
13:07We are all going to be honest
13:09as the world is long.
13:12Being honest,
13:13I have to admit,
13:13Geoffrey,
13:14that I have been a failure as a father.
13:16Well,
13:16I wouldn't say that, Dad.
13:17Look at me.
13:18I am, Geoffrey.
13:20And I've been a competent father.
13:22I would have taught you perceptions of human worth
13:24that would have made you run 10,000 leagues
13:27rather than marry this pill-popping packet of razor blades
13:30you call your wife.
13:31Geoffrey,
13:32why are my pills?
13:33Could you get to the point, Dad?
13:35Marion's about to jump out of her basket.
13:36To be honest and to go forward,
13:39I must first love myself.
13:41But we are members of the same family,
13:44the same whole.
13:46Therefore,
13:47you are part of me,
13:48so to love myself,
13:49I must love you.
13:56Geoffrey,
13:57I love you.
14:01And Marion,
14:03I love you.
14:03Get him off!
14:05Get him off!
14:10Don't you wish to be honest, Marion?
14:14Yes, I do.
14:15Marvellous.
14:16What do you want to say?
14:18I wish you were dead.
14:20Goodbye.
14:29Well, that's a bit depressing.
14:32Well, it's been great, Di.
14:34Really super.
14:36Lots of fun.
14:37So, if you could pop the check in the post,
14:39we'll get everything underway.
14:40Check?
14:41I'm sorry, what check?
14:42For the franchise purchase.
14:44Five to everyone else,
14:45but three to you, family.
14:47Three hundred.
14:49Wouldn't that be nice, eh?
14:51So, if you could bung us the five grand.
14:53I thought you just said three.
14:55For the franchise.
14:56But then there's the promo budget
14:58and initial leasing fee
14:59and equipment.
15:01Does Sarah know about this?
15:03Don't worry.
15:03I won't say a word.
15:05We'll call it a little prezzy
15:07from us to her.
15:08Mum's the word, eh?
15:11Shall I?
15:16I'm a bit shocked.
15:18My daughter-in-law wishes me dead.
15:21Well, she always has.
15:22Yes, I know, but before,
15:23I always thought she was sort of joking,
15:25but she honestly said
15:26she wished me dead.
15:28Told you honesty was a bad idea.
15:31You remove the polite dishonesty from society
15:33and you're going to cop it full in the mush every time.
15:36Yes, but it's not nice to be so disliked.
15:40What can I do to win her over?
15:43Shoot yourselves.
15:44Thank you, Diana.
15:46I always know I can rely on you
15:48to cut the cobblers
15:49and come up with something totally cynical.
15:52So, what do you think of
15:54Sarah and Sam's little idea?
15:57Five thousand?
15:58Yes.
15:59Running a beauty parlor?
16:00Yes.
16:01You?
16:02Yes.
16:03Daftest idea I've ever heard of.
16:05Yes.
16:07Sarah's chap is a con man.
16:08Well, be honest with her.
16:11She's in love with him.
16:12What am I supposed to do?
16:13Go up and say,
16:14Hello, Sarah.
16:15Your fiancé's a little sharpie
16:17who should be shoved down the lavvy forthwith.
16:18Yes.
16:19And break her heart.
16:21Well, he'll only do it later on.
16:22Oh, we don't know that.
16:24Women see good in the strangest people.
16:27Dare I say, Eva Braun
16:28thought Hitler was just a misguided dog lover.
16:32I don't suppose that nice Mrs. Genghis Khan
16:34was hanging around just for the shopping opportunities.
16:36No.
16:37No, they might be gloriously happy.
16:40I can't interfere.
16:41But you can't run a beauty parlor either.
16:43No, no, I suppose I couldn't.
16:45I suppose to run a place like that
16:46I would need to identify with the customers.
16:50I'd have to be virtually brain dead.
16:53I'd have to be Marion.
16:56By golly.
16:59I think I've got it.
17:00I think I've got it.
17:02Try penicillin.
17:03No, no, no.
17:05The brilliant idea.
17:06Can't you see the light bulb flashing round my head?
17:09I must dash.
17:10Got to get to London.
17:12Don't talk to Sam yet.
17:14God, Tom, you're brilliant.
17:17Take the train, Tom.
17:20The stagecoach doesn't stop here anymore.
17:24Oh, God.
17:26Last Hope House.
17:27Diana.
17:28Oh, and here comes Miss Final Gasp.
17:32Hello, Jane.
17:35Oh, dear.
17:36I was just thinking about you.
17:38Oh, that's nice.
17:40What do you want?
17:41I'm knackered.
17:42I just came to say goodbye.
17:45Goodbye?
17:46That is goodbye forever.
17:49I know that I am going to regret this.
17:53All right, Jane.
17:54Why goodbye forever?
17:56Tom was right.
17:57Tom is never right.
17:58Tom can't even say hello and get it right.
18:00Tom was right about me and Harvey.
18:03I'll never find the Holy Grail here at Bayview.
18:06Harvey Vaines is not the Holy Grail, Jane.
18:08He's not even a mildly revered toothmunk.
18:11You only say that because you've not experienced real passion.
18:15Yes, I have.
18:17I have consumed and been consumed.
18:21I have made the sea boil up the beach.
18:25I have known passion that would kill a donkey at 500 yards.
18:32So have I.
18:37When?
18:38Well, admittedly, as a younger woman, my romantic life was confined to rather stilted letters
18:44between me and my Canadian pen pal, Mr. Chigachgook.
18:48Mr. Chigachgook.
18:49Mr. Chigachgook?
18:50He was an Eskimo.
18:52Oh.
18:54An Inuit.
18:55No, he was very bright.
18:57Oh, my God.
18:59All righty.
18:59But somehow I never felt the spark of real romance.
19:04So I returned the bone that he'd sent me for my nose and I gave up my chance of a
19:09place
19:10in the midnight sun.
19:11And that's when it happened.
19:13What?
19:14Oh, the explosion of my volcano of passion.
19:17Well, when?
19:18Where?
19:18Here, of course.
19:20Oh, it was like the conversion on the road to Damascus.
19:24As I plodded up the drive with weary heart, I looked up and there he was, Harvey Baines.
19:33He had a sort of aura around him.
19:36He uses a garlic deodorant.
19:38Harvey turned towards me, his Roman nose in noble profile in the setting sun.
19:46He smiled.
19:47I swooned.
19:49He caught me in his arms.
19:51He smiled as he looked down at me with laughing eyes.
19:56Oh, and then his succulent lips parted.
20:01And in his manly voice, he uttered those first wonderful words.
20:06Keep off the grass.
20:10Oh, and my heart burst into a thousand stars.
20:15Oh, Barbara cartoned it your heart out.
20:18But it would appear my fickle heart has led me astray.
20:23It was not to be.
20:25My great passion is to go unrequited.
20:28And the man at whose feet I have prostrated myself
20:32prefers a woman who sits on tractors in her underwear.
20:40Oh, God.
20:43If only we could collide with another planet and get it all over with.
20:57Hello, Diana.
21:01What can I do for you?
21:02Or have you come in for just a bit of grievous bodily amusement?
21:06You and I haven't always seen eye to eye.
21:09We never see eye to eye.
21:11Let's be honest here.
21:12Oh, no, please don't.
21:13Let's be honest.
21:15Being honest is a very bad idea.
21:17It causes nothing but pain.
21:18To whom?
21:19Well, Jane, for a start.
21:21Jane?
21:22What's wrong with her?
21:23She's in fine form.
21:24Didn't you see her splendid charade at lunch today?
21:27The beauty queen bit.
21:29It's very funny.
21:30That, you dismal little earwig,
21:32was her last-ditch attempt to gain your attention.
21:35Oh, really?
21:36Yes.
21:37For reasons best known to herself,
21:38she has developed a fixation about you.
21:41Yes, well, you know,
21:42these things tend to happen to us,
21:44special guys.
21:44Yes.
21:46Try not to make me sick.
21:48I'm sorry, Diana.
21:49Well, she has found that there is no response from your good self.
21:53Well, she's not really my type.
21:54That's because she hasn't got a staple through her navel.
21:57Can we get to the point, please, Diana?
21:59She is very upset.
22:01She is leaving forever.
22:05Leaving?
22:06Oh, my God.
22:08Precisely.
22:08Without her to run this place,
22:10your appalling inadequacies will be revealed immediately.
22:13Oh, my God.
22:14What am I going to do?
22:14Well, if I were you, Harvey,
22:16I would lie through my teeth
22:17as I have never lied before.
22:40You want to what, Tom?
22:41I want to be honest with you.
22:45That's a fairly novel idea round here.
22:47Let's give it a try.
22:50Fire away.
22:55You are a bent little weasel
22:57who couldn't lie straight in his own bed.
23:00Sounds fair enough to me.
23:03Really?
23:03Oh, yes.
23:04I've been called far worse.
23:07And it doesn't worry you?
23:09No, not at all.
23:13You see, Tom,
23:16I can be honest, too.
23:18I'm honest enough to admit
23:19that I don't have a single scruple in my entire body
23:22and that I have only two interests in life,
23:24making money
23:26and marrying Sarah.
23:28So you do love her?
23:29Oh, totally and utterly.
23:31She's everything I need in my life.
23:33She's good
23:34and lovely
23:36and she'll no doubt save me
23:37from my unpleasant self.
23:40So I need to make as much as I possibly can now
23:43before I turn into a soggy
23:44but happy
23:47bourgeois marshmallow.
23:50So you are open to blackmail?
23:53I'm open to anything underhand and devious.
23:57So if I threaten to tell Sarah
23:59what a cad you really are
24:00in trying to con Diana out of 5,000 pounds,
24:03you might get worried?
24:06I would.
24:11I'd also break your legs.
24:14But I would get worried.
24:17You know something, Sam?
24:18I find your brand of honesty
24:20almost refreshing.
24:22Hmm.
24:23I think we'd better talk turkey.
24:26Gobble, gobble, gobble.
24:29You don't know what to say, Dad.
24:30This is so generous of you.
24:32Marion has always wanted to have a beauty parlour.
24:34And now she's got one.
24:37But how did you pay for the franchise?
24:38I didn't.
24:39I got it by good, honest blackmail.
24:43Well, we're overwhelmed
24:44and Marion has something to say to you.
24:48Marion?
24:53Sorry.
24:54Bit deaf.
24:55What did you say?
24:59Oh, that's all right.
25:01Um, wasn't too painful, was it?
25:03I'm sorry I said I wished you were dead.
25:07That's all right.
25:08Don't overdo it.
25:10First day.
25:11You don't want to exhaust yourself.
25:13Well, we'll be off, Dad.
25:14Thanks again.
25:16Kissy, Marion.
25:18Bit of a cold.
25:20Bye.
25:21Bye, Dad.
25:23Ah, generosity.
25:26The most subtle revenge.
25:28The Bible is right.
25:29Love your enemies.
25:31It drives them insane.
25:34Look.
25:36Despite your chicanery,
25:38Sarah and Sam have invited us to their wedding.
25:41Oh.
25:41How much are the tickets?
25:46So, how's your wind?
25:48My wind is my business.
25:50Oh.
25:50What happened to open honesty?
25:52Oh, well, I don't know.
25:53I think perhaps I'm a bit too old
25:56to start a whole new crusade.
25:58I might just read a book instead.
26:00Oh, I see.
26:02So, having messed up several lies
26:04as some sort of intellectual experiment,
26:07you've got bored, you're moving on,
26:08leaving the bodies lying around.
26:10Oh, dear.
26:11Uh, is that what I've done?
26:13Hmm.
26:14Hello.
26:15Here comes the main victim of your callousness.
26:19Hello.
26:20How are we all?
26:21Dead.
26:22Jane, Jane, I have something to say to you.
26:25I was only joking when I said
26:27that I thought you would be the eternal wallflower.
26:30I was thinking of someone else.
26:31I did...
26:31It's all right, Tom.
26:33It's all for the best.
26:34It brought things to a head.
26:37Harvey has opened his heart to me.
26:39How resulting.
26:40He's explained about his tendency
26:43to have relationships with, um, brainless women.
26:48They provide an intellectual challenge.
26:50It all goes back to his mother.
26:53She was very dominating,
26:54and she forced him into an early marriage
26:56with a completely unsuitable concert pianist
26:59who is a Catholic
27:00and has tuberculosis
27:02and is in a clinic in Switzerland.
27:05So, of course, divorce is out of the question.
27:07So, until he's free from her,
27:10he said he feels he can't afford to fall for a real woman,
27:14so he has to dally in shallow relationships
27:18with naked women who like farming equipment.
27:25So, um, what are you going to do by a combine harvester?
27:29I'm going to wait for him.
27:31I'm going to see him through this time of trial
27:34and then, well, who knows?
27:37See you later.
27:41The filthy, rotten, low-down, lying bounder.
27:46Jane is happy, Tom.
27:48Where on earth did you get a story like that from?
27:50I can't imagine.
27:54You!
27:55You wicked old woman!
27:57That's me.
27:58Oh, give me the gin.
28:02I give up.
28:03I really do.
28:07To hell with honesty.
28:09Here's to the devious.
28:11Long may they reign.
28:12I'll drink to that.
28:14Ha, ha.
28:32The devious.
28:39Bye.
28:41Bye.
28:45Bye.
28:46Bye.
28:48Bye.
28:52Bye.
28:52Bye.
Comments