- 3 minutes ago
1990 SITCOM "Tom Ballard is put into the Bayview Retirement Village by his weak-willed son Geoffrey and his domineering, drunk daughter-in-law Marion. Many of the residents are very passive, but retired journalist Diana Trent's mission in life is to annoy "the idiot Bains"--the home's manager, Harvey Nigel Bains. " IMDB Starring Stephanie Cole, Graham Crowden, Daniel Hill, Janine Duvitski, Andrew Tourell, Sandra Payne
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TVTranscript
00:24Piano music
00:42that's the matter wind been at me all night it must be yesterday's dead dog
00:59stew well better an empty house and a bad tenant we'll just don't do your evicting in here
01:06dear miss trent how do they know my name probably looked at the envelope
01:15oh dear miss trent you have probably already won two thousand pounds pig's bummer huh
01:24nobody gets anything for nothing tom now if they had said dear miss trent the likelihood of a
01:30decrepit old prune like you winning more than a nap's knickers is about 10 million to one
01:34well then i might have read further i don't suppose they aim their campaigns at just one
01:39particularly perverse old bat nasty little people in fact i think we might see the sun trees over
01:46long before we see that kind of honesty in advertising honesty in anything come to that
01:53honesty is the great lost art of our time now what on earth does that mean i don't know
01:59it sounded quite good it wouldn't be nice if we were all honest it wouldn't be a bloody disastrous
02:06this delicate ramshackle shed of our existence is only saved from toppling over the cliff of life
02:11by the strands and web of deceit which anchor it to the crumbling lime would you care to repeat
02:17that no but it hopes not it's only monday and her metaphors are already wildly out of control what i'm
02:25saying is that we are brought up on lies and dishonesty right from the beginning what is the first
02:29thing that a child hears oh what a beautiful baby and it probably looks like a diseased tomato
02:37i was a beautiful baby yes well i'm sure they told you that every little boy is told that he's
02:43going to
02:43grow up to be something amazing then he spends the rest of his life trying to work out why he's
02:48just a
02:48tedious bit of gormless cannon fodder picking his nose with a shovel man is the only species that tells
02:54it's such a pity we should all be honest about everything all the time oh it'd never catch on
03:02from now on i'm going to be honest in everything i say it might catch on and the world will
03:09be a
03:09better place all thanks to tom ballard explorer and philosopher and well-known fruit loop
03:15you may mock but just remember mighty oaks come from little crab apples
03:24bloody old fool
03:31oh my god hello morning diana
03:41good morning diana
03:46on the good ship lollipop it's a quick trip to the candy shop what are you doing
03:52i may not be a very important person but i would like to be acknowledged as at least existing when
04:00i
04:00come into a room jane when i am reading my private mail in my own private cell i do not
04:06expect to be
04:07assailed by tap dancing ding-a-lings what do you want i'm just doing my rounds oh you've got a
04:13letter
04:13yes from my niece the clapham strangler the one who wants to kill me
04:18she thinks you're the bee's knees
04:21well she wants to get married oh so do i oh isn't that nice
04:27oh jane you're stopping so wet
04:28morning jane
04:30morning tom diana's niece is getting married
04:34it's my news the lovely sarah how wonderful well she's bringing her intended down here oh mustn't it
04:41be wonderful to have an intended
04:45dada dada do you jane take this man oh yes i do i do i do i do
04:53dada oh shut up woman oh i'm sorry i just get
04:57carried away when there's romance in the air
04:59you'll never get married jane
05:02What?
05:03Not a chance.
05:04Tom?
05:05We must be honest at all times.
05:07No.
05:08I mean, if ever there was a spinster, it's you, Jane.
05:11No man in his right mind even could then notice you,
05:14let alone take a second look.
05:16Is that true, Diana?
05:18No, Jane, it certainly is not true.
05:20Tom is just playing some rather silly psychological party game.
05:23I am being honest.
05:26Jane, you are never going to get within 100 miles of Harvey Bay.
05:30Aren't I?
05:30Not a chance.
05:31You must realize that in the great swimming pool of life,
05:35Harvey Baynes is permanently at the shallow end.
05:37Harvey is a man of great depth.
05:39He has about as much depth as a puddle in a drought.
05:43His ideal woman is something that looks good with his car,
05:46something that will prop up his well-justified lack of self-esteem.
05:50A glamorized, sexy doxy.
05:53That's what he wants.
05:55A beauty queen.
05:57A beauty queen?
05:58Yes, he's certainly not going to be interested in someone
06:00who looks like a left over from a jumble sale.
06:11I want you to help me check out this chappy my niece is so keen on,
06:15but I want you to keep your mouth shut under this honesty-clap trap.
06:18It's very hard to waver once you're on the path to righteousness.
06:21Well, one wrong word and you'll get my stick up your path to righteousness.
06:25Look, here they come.
06:27I'll just, just button your lip.
06:32Hello, Auntie.
06:34Don't call me Auntie, you revolting child.
06:38Hello, Tom.
06:39Hello.
06:40You're looking well.
06:41I had a terrible night with my wind.
06:45Diana, Tom, I'd like you to meet my fiancée, Sam Parry.
06:50How do you do, Miss Trent?
06:52I've heard so much about you.
06:53You're Sarah's great hero.
06:55She always was a silly child.
06:56Hello, Tom.
06:57Right, come on.
06:58Let's all go and eat.
07:00You'll find the food quite revolting.
07:03Today, it's cat stew and eyeball soup.
07:09So, what do you do, Sam?
07:11Oh, you mean, what are my prospects?
07:13No, no, no, not at all.
07:15If Sarah's chosen you, well, that's fine by me.
07:18Apart from her occasional attempts to kill me,
07:20I've always found her to be a very sound judgment,
07:24especially since she gave up running the knocking shops.
07:28What?
07:29Diana thought that running a model agency
07:31was akin to running a brothel.
07:33Well, it's the same business, isn't it?
07:34You've got it, you sell it, you've still got it.
07:37That's enough.
07:38I now have three beauty parlours.
07:40Well, still pandering to women's weaknesses and insecurities.
07:44She's a sad, twisted old woman.
07:45Take no notice of her.
07:47A sack full of broken crockery.
07:48Thank you, Tom.
07:49Dead in everything but body.
07:51Well, that's not like you, Tom.
07:53You're usually such a nice man.
07:55Well, I'm still a nice man.
07:57I just happen to be a nice, honest man.
08:00You'll be a nice, honest dead man if you don't watch it.
08:03So, what do you do, Sam?
08:05Well, I'm in promotions and property.
08:07Wheeling and dealing, shaving the percentage.
08:11Commodities, franchises, bit of spec stuff.
08:13In and out of risk properties.
08:14Well, you know what they say.
08:15If it moves, buy, buy, buy.
08:17If it stops, sell, sell, sell.
08:18Well, isn't he clever?
08:21Clever?
08:22I think he's an absolute...
08:25Are you all right?
08:26Fine, fine.
08:27Just a spot of wind backing up the hard way.
08:30Oh.
08:32Oh, my God.
08:34Jane, she'd been in an accident.
08:37No, she is a beauty queen.
08:41Hi, Harvey.
08:42Hi.
08:43Yes, hi.
08:44It's such a privilege to be here on this glorious night in this wonderful place.
08:50Jane, this is the dining room at lunchtime.
08:53Oh, you're so funny.
08:54What's the matter with you?
08:56My hobbies are travel and world peace.
08:59What?
09:00For my talent piece, I'd like to sing my song.
09:05Somewhere out of a rainbow.
09:08Jane, Jane!
09:09I love animals.
09:10I'm curling up with a good book.
09:13I'm a real homebody.
09:15Have you gone right out of your mind?
09:17I really want to work with small children.
09:20And what's the matter with your face?
09:21Has someone hit you with a hedgehog?
09:23You look absolutely hideous.
09:26Yes, well, I'll see you in my office.
09:30I'm so sorry.
09:32She's a spinster, you know.
09:38Well done, Tom.
09:39I don't think I could have perpetrated such a miserably humiliating scene,
09:44even on one of my best days.
09:46So much for honesty.
09:47Oh.
09:48Well, you can't make an omni without cracking a few heads.
09:53I must try it out and marry her.
09:57What ho, Geoffrey.
09:59Lovely to see you.
10:01Hello.
10:01Is there a crisis, Dad?
10:03Life is a crisis, Geoffrey.
10:05But I have the solution.
10:07Follow me.
10:09Did you bring my pills?
10:10I feel a tumour coming on.
10:13Hello.
10:14Geoffrey, Marion.
10:16Tom's daughter-in-law bites the heads off hamsters.
10:19Sarah said you were a great joker.
10:21I wasn't joking.
10:24So, what is this wonderful scheme you're going to tell me about?
10:27Sam's had a brilliant idea.
10:29Oh.
10:31Oh, Jane.
10:32Yes, Harvey?
10:34What can I say, Jane?
10:36Jane?
10:37I know that, Jane.
10:39Jane.
10:40Jane.
10:41Jane.
10:44Jane.
10:44Jane.
10:44Jane.
11:11Well, you should ask me why I did it.
11:15You wanted to be a beauty queen.
11:46Oh, Jane.
11:48We're not talking to the rattlers and gurglers, do we?
11:50No, Harvey.
11:51And cook always gets so moody when people snuff it at mealtimes.
11:54Yes, Harvey.
11:55So, no more jokes about beauty queens, okay, Jane?
11:58And you tell Tom to keep his nose out of my love life, okay?
12:01I'll see you later.
12:03Beauty queen.
12:05Oh, that's very funny, Jane.
12:13Franchises?
12:14Hmm, franchises.
12:15Same businesses all over the country.
12:17Oh, you mean like McDonald's and things?
12:18Right.
12:19Sam's going to sell franchises in my beauty parlors.
12:22Well, where do I come into this?
12:24We want you to run the Bournemouth franchise.
12:27Goodness.
12:29And I thought I was almost dead.
12:32And as Brutus says in Julius Caesar,
12:35Cassius, there is no terror in your threats,
12:37for I am armed so strong in honesty
12:39that they pass me by as the idle wind.
12:43A quotation that is doubly relevant to me today
12:46as not only does it support honesty,
12:48but the references to idle wind
12:51are somewhat pertinent as well.
12:53And as Juvenal says in his satires,
12:57Probatis laudator et alget,
12:59Don.
13:00Honesty is praised and starved.
13:03Don.
13:03So from now on,
13:04I have decided that honesty will starve no longer.
13:07We are all going to be honest
13:09as the world is long.
13:12Being honest,
13:13I have to admit,
13:13Geoffrey,
13:14that I have been a failure as a father.
13:16Well,
13:16I wouldn't say that, Dad.
13:17Look at me.
13:18I am, Geoffrey.
13:20And I've been a competent father.
13:22I would have taught you perceptions of human worth
13:24that would have made you run 10,000 leagues
13:27rather than marry this pill-popping packet of razor blades
13:30you call your wife.
13:31Geoffrey,
13:32why are my pills?
13:33Could you get to the point, Dad?
13:35Marion's about to jump out of her basket.
13:36To be honest and to go forward,
13:39I must first love myself.
13:41But we are members of the same family,
13:44the same whole.
13:46Therefore,
13:47you are part of me,
13:48so to love myself,
13:49I must love you.
13:56Geoffrey,
13:57I love you.
14:01And Marion,
14:03I love you.
14:03Get him off!
14:05Get him off!
14:10Don't you wish to be honest, Marion?
14:14Yes, I do.
14:15Marvellous.
14:16What do you want to say?
14:18I wish you were dead.
14:20Goodbye.
14:29Well, that's a bit depressing.
14:32Well, it's been great, Di.
14:34Really super.
14:36Lots of fun.
14:37So, if you could pop the check in the post,
14:39we'll get everything underway.
14:40Check?
14:41I'm sorry, what check?
14:42For the franchise purchase.
14:44Five to everyone else,
14:45but three to you, family.
14:47Three hundred.
14:49Wouldn't that be nice, eh?
14:51So, if you could bung us the five grand.
14:53I thought you just said three.
14:55For the franchise.
14:56But then there's the promo budget
14:58and initial leasing fee
14:59and equipment.
15:01Does Sarah know about this?
15:03Don't worry.
15:03I won't say a word.
15:05We'll call it a little prezzy
15:07from us to her.
15:08Mum's the word, eh?
15:11Shall I?
15:16I'm a bit shocked.
15:18My daughter-in-law wishes me dead.
15:21Well, she always has.
15:22Yes, I know, but before,
15:23I always thought she was sort of joking,
15:25but she honestly said
15:26she wished me dead.
15:28Told you honesty was a bad idea.
15:31You remove the polite dishonesty from society
15:33and you're going to cop it full in the mush every time.
15:36Yes, but it's not nice to be so disliked.
15:40What can I do to win her over?
15:43Shoot yourselves.
15:44Thank you, Diana.
15:46I always know I can rely on you
15:48to cut the cobblers
15:49and come up with something totally cynical.
15:52So, what do you think of
15:54Sarah and Sam's little idea?
15:57Five thousand?
15:58Yes.
15:59Running a beauty parlor?
16:00Yes.
16:01You?
16:02Yes.
16:03Daftest idea I've ever heard of.
16:05Yes.
16:07Sarah's chap is a con man.
16:08Well, be honest with her.
16:11She's in love with him.
16:12What am I supposed to do?
16:13Go up and say,
16:14Hello, Sarah.
16:15Your fiancé's a little sharpie
16:17who should be shoved down the lavvy forthwith.
16:18Yes.
16:19And break her heart.
16:21Well, he'll only do it later on.
16:22Oh, we don't know that.
16:24Women see good in the strangest people.
16:27Dare I say, Eva Braun
16:28thought Hitler was just a misguided dog lover.
16:32I don't suppose that nice Mrs. Genghis Khan
16:34was hanging around just for the shopping opportunities.
16:36No.
16:37No, they might be gloriously happy.
16:40I can't interfere.
16:41But you can't run a beauty parlor either.
16:43No, no, I suppose I couldn't.
16:45I suppose to run a place like that
16:46I would need to identify with the customers.
16:50I'd have to be virtually brain dead.
16:53I'd have to be Marion.
16:56By golly.
16:59I think I've got it.
17:00I think I've got it.
17:02Try penicillin.
17:03No, no, no.
17:05The brilliant idea.
17:06Can't you see the light bulb flashing round my head?
17:09I must dash.
17:10Got to get to London.
17:12Don't talk to Sam yet.
17:14God, Tom, you're brilliant.
17:17Take the train, Tom.
17:20The stagecoach doesn't stop here anymore.
17:24Oh, God.
17:26Last Hope House.
17:27Diana.
17:28Oh, and here comes Miss Final Gasp.
17:32Hello, Jane.
17:35Oh, dear.
17:36I was just thinking about you.
17:38Oh, that's nice.
17:40What do you want?
17:41I'm knackered.
17:42I just came to say goodbye.
17:45Goodbye?
17:46That is goodbye forever.
17:49I know that I am going to regret this.
17:53All right, Jane.
17:54Why goodbye forever?
17:56Tom was right.
17:57Tom is never right.
17:58Tom can't even say hello and get it right.
18:00Tom was right about me and Harvey.
18:03I'll never find the Holy Grail here at Bayview.
18:06Harvey Vaines is not the Holy Grail, Jane.
18:08He's not even a mildly revered toothmunk.
18:11You only say that because you've not experienced real passion.
18:15Yes, I have.
18:17I have consumed and been consumed.
18:21I have made the sea boil up the beach.
18:25I have known passion that would kill a donkey at 500 yards.
18:32So have I.
18:37When?
18:38Well, admittedly, as a younger woman, my romantic life was confined to rather stilted letters
18:44between me and my Canadian pen pal, Mr. Chigachgook.
18:48Mr. Chigachgook.
18:49Mr. Chigachgook?
18:50He was an Eskimo.
18:52Oh.
18:54An Inuit.
18:55No, he was very bright.
18:57Oh, my God.
18:59All righty.
18:59But somehow I never felt the spark of real romance.
19:04So I returned the bone that he'd sent me for my nose and I gave up my chance of a
19:09place
19:10in the midnight sun.
19:11And that's when it happened.
19:13What?
19:14Oh, the explosion of my volcano of passion.
19:17Well, when?
19:18Where?
19:18Here, of course.
19:20Oh, it was like the conversion on the road to Damascus.
19:24As I plodded up the drive with weary heart, I looked up and there he was, Harvey Baines.
19:33He had a sort of aura around him.
19:36He uses a garlic deodorant.
19:38Harvey turned towards me, his Roman nose in noble profile in the setting sun.
19:46He smiled.
19:47I swooned.
19:49He caught me in his arms.
19:51He smiled as he looked down at me with laughing eyes.
19:56Oh, and then his succulent lips parted.
20:01And in his manly voice, he uttered those first wonderful words.
20:06Keep off the grass.
20:10Oh, and my heart burst into a thousand stars.
20:15Oh, Barbara cartoned it your heart out.
20:18But it would appear my fickle heart has led me astray.
20:23It was not to be.
20:25My great passion is to go unrequited.
20:28And the man at whose feet I have prostrated myself
20:32prefers a woman who sits on tractors in her underwear.
20:40Oh, God.
20:43If only we could collide with another planet and get it all over with.
20:57Hello, Diana.
21:01What can I do for you?
21:02Or have you come in for just a bit of grievous bodily amusement?
21:06You and I haven't always seen eye to eye.
21:09We never see eye to eye.
21:11Let's be honest here.
21:12Oh, no, please don't.
21:13Let's be honest.
21:15Being honest is a very bad idea.
21:17It causes nothing but pain.
21:18To whom?
21:19Well, Jane, for a start.
21:21Jane?
21:22What's wrong with her?
21:23She's in fine form.
21:24Didn't you see her splendid charade at lunch today?
21:27The beauty queen bit.
21:29It's very funny.
21:30That, you dismal little earwig,
21:32was her last-ditch attempt to gain your attention.
21:35Oh, really?
21:36Yes.
21:37For reasons best known to herself,
21:38she has developed a fixation about you.
21:41Yes, well, you know,
21:42these things tend to happen to us,
21:44special guys.
21:44Yes.
21:46Try not to make me sick.
21:48I'm sorry, Diana.
21:49Well, she has found that there is no response from your good self.
21:53Well, she's not really my type.
21:54That's because she hasn't got a staple through her navel.
21:57Can we get to the point, please, Diana?
21:59She is very upset.
22:01She is leaving forever.
22:05Leaving?
22:06Oh, my God.
22:08Precisely.
22:08Without her to run this place,
22:10your appalling inadequacies will be revealed immediately.
22:13Oh, my God.
22:14What am I going to do?
22:14Well, if I were you, Harvey,
22:16I would lie through my teeth
22:17as I have never lied before.
22:40You want to what, Tom?
22:41I want to be honest with you.
22:45That's a fairly novel idea round here.
22:47Let's give it a try.
22:50Fire away.
22:55You are a bent little weasel
22:57who couldn't lie straight in his own bed.
23:00Sounds fair enough to me.
23:03Really?
23:03Oh, yes.
23:04I've been called far worse.
23:07And it doesn't worry you?
23:09No, not at all.
23:13You see, Tom,
23:16I can be honest, too.
23:18I'm honest enough to admit
23:19that I don't have a single scruple in my entire body
23:22and that I have only two interests in life,
23:24making money
23:26and marrying Sarah.
23:28So you do love her?
23:29Oh, totally and utterly.
23:31She's everything I need in my life.
23:33She's good
23:34and lovely
23:36and she'll no doubt save me
23:37from my unpleasant self.
23:40So I need to make as much as I possibly can now
23:43before I turn into a soggy
23:44but happy
23:47bourgeois marshmallow.
23:50So you are open to blackmail?
23:53I'm open to anything underhand and devious.
23:57So if I threaten to tell Sarah
23:59what a cad you really are
24:00in trying to con Diana out of 5,000 pounds,
24:03you might get worried?
24:06I would.
24:11I'd also break your legs.
24:14But I would get worried.
24:17You know something, Sam?
24:18I find your brand of honesty
24:20almost refreshing.
24:22Hmm.
24:23I think we'd better talk turkey.
24:26Gobble, gobble, gobble.
24:29You don't know what to say, Dad.
24:30This is so generous of you.
24:32Marion has always wanted to have a beauty parlour.
24:34And now she's got one.
24:37But how did you pay for the franchise?
24:38I didn't.
24:39I got it by good, honest blackmail.
24:43Well, we're overwhelmed
24:44and Marion has something to say to you.
24:48Marion?
24:53Sorry.
24:54Bit deaf.
24:55What did you say?
24:59Oh, that's all right.
25:01Um, wasn't too painful, was it?
25:03I'm sorry I said I wished you were dead.
25:07That's all right.
25:08Don't overdo it.
25:10First day.
25:11You don't want to exhaust yourself.
25:13Well, we'll be off, Dad.
25:14Thanks again.
25:16Kissy, Marion.
25:18Bit of a cold.
25:20Bye.
25:21Bye, Dad.
25:23Ah, generosity.
25:26The most subtle revenge.
25:28The Bible is right.
25:29Love your enemies.
25:31It drives them insane.
25:34Look.
25:36Despite your chicanery,
25:38Sarah and Sam have invited us to their wedding.
25:41Oh.
25:41How much are the tickets?
25:46So, how's your wind?
25:48My wind is my business.
25:50Oh.
25:50What happened to open honesty?
25:52Oh, well, I don't know.
25:53I think perhaps I'm a bit too old
25:56to start a whole new crusade.
25:58I might just read a book instead.
26:00Oh, I see.
26:02So, having messed up several lies
26:04as some sort of intellectual experiment,
26:07you've got bored, you're moving on,
26:08leaving the bodies lying around.
26:10Oh, dear.
26:11Uh, is that what I've done?
26:13Hmm.
26:14Hello.
26:15Here comes the main victim of your callousness.
26:19Hello.
26:20How are we all?
26:21Dead.
26:22Jane, Jane, I have something to say to you.
26:25I was only joking when I said
26:27that I thought you would be the eternal wallflower.
26:30I was thinking of someone else.
26:31I did...
26:31It's all right, Tom.
26:33It's all for the best.
26:34It brought things to a head.
26:37Harvey has opened his heart to me.
26:39How resulting.
26:40He's explained about his tendency
26:43to have relationships with, um, brainless women.
26:48They provide an intellectual challenge.
26:50It all goes back to his mother.
26:53She was very dominating,
26:54and she forced him into an early marriage
26:56with a completely unsuitable concert pianist
26:59who is a Catholic
27:00and has tuberculosis
27:02and is in a clinic in Switzerland.
27:05So, of course, divorce is out of the question.
27:07So, until he's free from her,
27:10he said he feels he can't afford to fall for a real woman,
27:14so he has to dally in shallow relationships
27:18with naked women who like farming equipment.
27:25So, um, what are you going to do by a combine harvester?
27:29I'm going to wait for him.
27:31I'm going to see him through this time of trial
27:34and then, well, who knows?
27:37See you later.
27:41The filthy, rotten, low-down, lying bounder.
27:46Jane is happy, Tom.
27:48Where on earth did you get a story like that from?
27:50I can't imagine.
27:54You!
27:55You wicked old woman!
27:57That's me.
27:58Oh, give me the gin.
28:02I give up.
28:03I really do.
28:07To hell with honesty.
28:09Here's to the devious.
28:11Long may they reign.
28:12I'll drink to that.
28:14Ha, ha.
28:32The devious.
28:39Bye.
28:41Bye.
28:45Bye.
28:46Bye.
28:48Bye.
28:52Bye.
28:52Bye.
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