- 59 minutes ago
2006 SITCOM "The village celebrates "Beating the Bounds." The ladies guild steps in to make the refreshments because Rosie neglected to order them. The Vicar overdresses for the occasion." IMDB Starring Sue Johnston, Dawn French, Jennifer Saunders, Joanna Lumley, Maggie Steed, Doreen Mantle, Patrick Barlow, Pauline McLynn, Sally Phillips, David Mitchell
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TVTranscript
00:19Oh no! Margaret's going to be very angry!
00:25Hello, is anyone up in the house going to have some help?
00:27Please!
00:35Good heavens!
00:37It looked like something out of the Da Vinci Code.
00:40Well, I thought it might be appropriate for the beating of the bounds,
00:43the blessing of the ancient stones of the parish boundary.
00:46Such an ancient rite requires a certain weight of costume, I feel.
00:51I think they've only been doing it since 1962.
00:54No, no, no. It's an ancient rite.
00:56A good excuse for a bit of a booze up on the moor.
00:59I'd better go and get the picnic ready.
01:02Oh?
01:03Yeah.
01:03The Guild lays on the pasties and the beer in the middle of the day.
01:07How lovely. And as has been done since past times.
01:12Whatever.
01:13And the, um, the, um, cloak?
01:17Well, we are going up on the moor, you know.
01:20I think it'll be a complete tick magnet.
01:24Oh.
01:27Really?
01:35I think you'd better have a couple of paracetamol as well.
01:37Oh, yeah.
01:39What time did you leave the pub?
01:41Because it must have been late.
01:42I left at eleven.
01:43I can't remember.
01:44It's bad when you can't remember, isn't it?
01:47What were you on?
01:48Cider.
01:50Did you get your tits out?
01:51Inevitably.
01:53Hiya.
01:53Oh, God.
01:55It's my new best friend.
01:56Hi.
01:57Just thought I'd pop by for a coffee.
01:59Drop in.
02:00Oh!
02:01Didn't realise she had company.
02:02Well, she's no company the state she's in.
02:04Aww.
02:11It's hard being on your own.
02:13Er, am I just a vapour now?
02:15Well, you know, Kate, I cannot remember the last time I was on my own.
02:20I don't seem to get a minute to myself.
02:22No, I was talking about me.
02:25God.
02:26Freya!
02:28Why are you in your pyjamas?
02:30I just got up.
02:31Oh, God.
02:31What you don't seem to realise is I have done everything.
02:34And what you don't seem to realise is I'm doing it for you.
02:38Well, then don't.
02:39Was Eileen going to come and get us to pack at the picnic?
02:42Oh, Eileen's taking her poor dad to the hospice.
02:45Yeah, Colin's taking them in the trailer.
02:47I persuaded Susie to go with them.
02:49I couldn't go, not feeling like this.
02:51And Eileen gets a face on her sometimes that I just cannot take.
02:56Well, thank God for that.
02:58Thank God she's finally got rid of him.
03:01Horrible man.
03:02Was he?
03:02Yeah.
03:03But our hospice means he's going to die.
03:06Yeah.
03:07We're all going to die.
03:08That's why we have to make the most of life.
03:19Thanks for the coffee.
03:22Let's do this again sometime.
03:26See you later.
03:27Bye, Kate.
03:30What was that about?
03:31There goes the loneliest person in this town.
03:35Well, except Eileen now.
03:37Not her real dad, of course.
03:41Who?
03:43Eileen.
03:44Not her real dad.
03:48In what way?
03:50She's adopted.
03:51Don't ask me how I know it was in her notes.
03:54Did you not know?
03:56No.
03:56How come you never told me?
03:58It's confidential.
04:00I can be trusted sometimes, you know.
04:01Did she ever try and find her real parents?
04:03No, she hasn't.
04:06I can't believe I didn't tell you all this.
04:08There was a time she could have gone down that road for medical history reasons but she chose not to.
04:13Which is odd because it's so easy nowadays.
04:16You can look it up on the internet.
04:18Can you?
04:23Not in the trailer on the way home, surely?
04:26Well, it was very comfortable on the way up.
04:30Dad was very happy.
04:35Oh, I'm just being silly.
04:38There's a little trailer of this, you know.
04:40Most of what goes out of here.
04:41Never comes home again.
04:43Let's get you inside.
04:45Watch your head.
04:49Colin, wait.
04:52Okay, now go.
04:54And drive like this lady's on board, please.
05:00Still, life is a fatal adventure.
05:02They say?
05:03Yes.
05:05But you'll be able to visit him.
05:06Oh, yes.
05:08And the level of care is marvellous.
05:11I couldn't have done it.
05:13No.
05:15Oh, I've got to stop in the morning to get some other cream.
05:18No.
05:18Hello.
05:19Right, here we are.
05:21Jeans United.
05:22So, you type in a name and see if any real family are looking for you, right?
05:25So, it's just for families trying to find one another.
05:28Now, you post a message on the site and you see if anyone's looking for you.
05:31And that's all that we're doing.
05:33We're just seeing if anyone's looking for Eileen.
05:35It's not illegal.
05:36No, right.
05:37Now, right.
05:38Her birth name.
05:38Let me think.
05:39It's ingrown toenail thrush arthritis.
05:42Sat on a light bulb.
05:43Just kidding.
05:45Right.
05:45Go to her.
05:48Go, go, go.
05:49Spinning wheel.
05:50Spinning wheel.
05:51Come on.
05:53Result?
05:54Someone is looking for her.
05:56My God.
05:59Shall we have a look?
06:02Right, you write that down and I'll get this.
06:07I'm bringing you a sad visitor.
06:09I was going to take her home but I don't think she should be on her own.
06:12Oh, no!
06:13Hi.
06:14I'm so sorry about your dial.
06:16Yeah.
06:17See you later.
06:17Yeah.
06:18Come on.
06:20Where's Carl, by the way?
06:21Oh, he's gone to get the tractor.
06:22Hey, it was good fun last night.
06:24Were you there?
06:25Yes, I took you home.
06:26Oh.
06:27What time was that?
06:28About 11.30.
06:29Was I all right?
06:30Quite sober.
06:31Keep that under your hat.
06:33I have a reputation to maintain.
06:35Bye.
06:36Can I get you anything, Eileen?
06:38Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
06:40Thank you, Sal.
06:40I'm fine.
06:42I'll have a cup of coffee.
06:44Right, okay.
06:46Did it all go all right?
06:48Oh, you know.
06:50As well as can be expected.
06:55I think this probably isn't a very good time, but we know something that we shouldn't.
07:03Well, I'm sure you know something you shouldn't sound.
07:06You're women of the world.
07:10Oh, I don't know how to start.
07:13Oh, come on, darling.
07:15Spin it out.
07:16Okay.
07:18Well...
07:20Something really, like, really great has happened.
07:23Why is Rafe in his school uniform?
07:25For, like, school.
07:26It's Saturday.
07:28I told you.
07:29Oh, great.
07:30Oh, well, you know, how am I supposed to know?
07:31Oh, good grief.
07:33Mum, amazing, below your mind news.
07:36That poor child.
07:38Yeah, my child, which is what?
07:40I am just about to ask you.
07:43What? Come on, I'm busy.
07:44Mum, you know, like, Rufus?
07:48Like, left.
07:49Yeah, yeah.
07:49Yes, went travelling, yes.
07:51Anyway.
07:53He called.
07:55And he wants me to go out with the yurt.
07:57So, can you look after Rafe?
07:59What is a yurt? Is it a goat?
08:01No, it's a kind of tent.
08:03What are you saying, Tash?
08:05You get to look after Rafe while I go out with the yurt.
08:09For how long?
08:10Like, six whole months.
08:13You have to be joking me.
08:15No.
08:16This is great news.
08:19No!
08:21God.
08:26Anyway, what were you saying?
08:28Right, right, right, right, right.
08:32No, no, calm down now.
08:35Margaret's furious.
08:37Can you cut with his face?
08:38Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
08:39Right.
08:41Rosie, Rosie, what is it? Come on.
08:42What hasn't happened is I didn't forget to give the pasty man the order for the pasties.
08:48So what won't be happening is that we won't be getting any pasties today.
08:53Did you forget to order the pasties, Rosie?
08:56Yeah, I did, yeah.
08:57Oh, no!
08:57Ah!
08:59What are we going to do?
09:01No pasties, no picnics.
09:03OK, so listen, it's OK, because I will go down, do the services, and get some of them.
09:08No, no, no, no, no.
09:09Oh, my goodness me!
09:11Thank goodness I am still in charge!
09:13There will be no Gidsters on my watch.
09:17Sal!
09:17We'll have to make them.
09:18We will make them!
09:19Come on, ladies, come with me!
09:22Now, Sal, you stay behind.
09:23I sense you have family matters.
09:25Come on.
09:27You just don't say anything!
09:28Nothing!
09:28No!
09:30Tash!
09:31Come in here!
09:39Right.
09:39You are not going.
09:42But...
09:43No, no, the yurt can go.
09:45I don't care about the yurt, but you are staying.
09:48Now, I am going to help the gild, so I'm going to go and get changed,
09:50and you can take that boy home and get him changed,
09:54and you can bring him down to the morse!
10:02Come on!
10:24This is difficult, isn't it?
10:26Because it always used to be, didn't it?
10:28One sweet equals one pint.
10:30Half a sweet, half a pint.
10:31And then we joined Europe,
10:33and now, on these Richter scales, I can't even read it now.
10:36Here she comes.
10:38Look busy.
10:40We are busy.
10:41Oh, my God.
10:42Lovely.
10:43I've spoken to Tim.
10:45You'll have the meat ready or sooner.
10:47Yes.
10:48Lovely pastries, there.
10:53Oh, my God.
10:58So, what about your daughter?
11:00Oh, she's going nowhere.
11:01Right.
11:02Are we going to be ready in time?
11:03Yes, sir.
11:04Oh, my God.
11:06Oh, my God.
11:07Oh, my God.
11:10So, what about your daughter?
11:12Oh, she's going nowhere.
11:14Are we going to be ready in time?
11:16Yes, sir.
11:16Oh, my God.
11:17But, thank you for your sympathy.
11:21I took Dad in the hospice this morning.
11:23Oh.
11:24No.
11:24No, I'm fine.
11:25I'm fine, thank you.
11:26Come on.
11:27Come on.
11:27Good, good, good.
11:29Oh, it's all right, darling.
11:30Life goes on.
11:30Come on.
11:32You went with her, didn't you?
11:34Yes.
11:34Very good of you.
11:35Yes, I know.
11:36What's it like?
11:37Well, the hospice leave.
11:39Well, people think.
11:40Come on, as they go far.
11:41Why?
11:42I was thinking we've all got oldies, you know.
11:45John's mother, really.
11:46Yes.
11:47We've smooted she lived with us.
11:49But only by her.
11:50Yes, I always get stressed.
11:57Oh.
11:59The girl of the cassock.
12:01Yes.
12:02As one of the true faith, I find that quite appealing.
12:06Well, as Virgil told me this morning, apparently this is something of a chick magnet.
12:12Tick magnet, I said.
12:15What?
12:16Tick magnet.
12:18We're up on the moor.
12:20Right.
12:21Well, we're all convening at ten.
12:23I have a speech to prepare.
12:24Oh, Vicar.
12:26Could I prevail on you, please, to string that out a bit so that we can get the pasties done
12:31in time?
12:32Oh, my dear.
12:33No, no, no, no, no, no.
12:33I'm just leaving.
12:34No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
12:36Oh, my dear.
12:38Oh, my dear.
12:38Point point.
12:39Yes, please don't spit on it.
12:41Oh, dear.
12:44He's going to have chicks all over him.
12:48Are we going to get all this done, finished and up there for lunchtime?
12:52I hope so.
12:53I'm doing vegetarian.
12:55Oh, why do we have to end it?
12:57Oh, pasties.
12:59The original Happy Meal.
13:02Oh, darling.
13:05Look, Caroline, ladies, I am fine.
13:08Really.
13:10Dad's happy.
13:12Not your real dad anyway, is it?
13:15What?
13:16Because you was adopted, weren't you?
13:19Shh.
13:19Shh.
13:21What?
13:21What, Rosie?
13:25Eileen, I think it was something we all heard.
13:30Heard?
13:33Well, true, actually.
13:35But I don't know how you heard, because it's nobody's business.
13:39And it's nobody's business that I have no interest whatsoever in finding out who my real parents are.
13:47Before that little whisper goes round.
13:50Well, they'd be dead by now, wouldn't they?
13:56I think we need to press our neighbour setting up by now.
14:07My mum won't let me go travelling with you and Rufus because of Rafe.
14:12It's so unfair.
14:13I'm just not allowed.
14:16I can't just leave him here.
14:17Not if she's not going to look after him.
14:20Did you tell her we were taking a yurt?
14:21Yeah.
14:23What's your mind?
14:23No.
14:24Yurt can go.
14:25I can't.
14:25It's like...
14:27Madness.
14:29Well, are we all gathered together?
14:33Yes.
14:33Good.
14:34Well, I should like to be...
14:35Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
14:37It's a lovely sunny day.
14:39Let's go.
14:44Bye.
14:54Now, what is going on?
14:57Please!
14:58Eileen.
15:01I really am very, very sorry.
15:05What?
15:06What?
15:36All this on the interweb.
15:41We didn't really expect a result.
15:43Nothing to do with me.
15:46I'm sorry, Sal, but how did you find out my birth name?
15:54I remembered it from your medical notes.
16:02Confidential, isn't it, Sal?
16:06Yeah, well, you know, I think we were only trying to help.
16:14Your adopted mum and dad, they treated you so badly.
16:17I mean, you did everything for them and they were so ungrateful.
16:22They were my mum and my daddy and I loved them.
16:28How dare you!
16:31I think that you should look to your own family before you sit in judgment on others.
16:37A woman who can't even take in her own grandchild.
16:43Take those out, please, Susie.
16:49Eileen, this is, um, the name of the contact and the number.
16:57And I am truly sorry.
17:04Leave it now.
17:06Oh, they'll be past the first boundary stone by now, we should get a move on.
17:11I know, but they've got a bit of a reservoir as well, haven't they?
17:13Yeah, they do.
17:14I'm sorry.
17:15Oh, Rosie, those are hot.
17:16What?
17:16Hot.
17:17Help!
17:18Ow!
17:19Ow!
17:19Ow!
17:20Ow!
17:22All right, Tash.
17:24Go away.
17:26Hey, Raffy.
17:27Come down the kennels later.
17:28Stop it.
17:29He doesn't want to come down the hunt kennels, the murder kennels murderer.
17:34See you later, Raff.
17:35Blood on your hands.
17:38Bye.
17:42Darling, come on.
17:43You could help, you know.
17:45You could help me a little bit.
17:46Actually, no, it's too late.
17:47Now, I've got to get the horses.
17:48Where do we put the horses?
17:49In the trailer.
17:50Oh, that's going good.
17:51Sorry.
17:52Is this what you're wearing?
17:53Yes.
17:53Because you're not going to be warm enough.
17:55Fine, friend.
17:56You are.
17:56I thought you told her.
17:58I didn't do it on purpose.
17:59You cannot be the holder of that much gossip in a room full of gossip with a woman.
18:02hungry women without some of it leaking out.
18:04It's like osmosis.
18:05It is propelled from me by the laws of nature.
18:08And now I'm the bad guy.
18:10Horrible to Tash.
18:11Horrible to Eileen.
18:12Shall I mobile telephone someone and tell them to wait up there and not to give up hope?
18:17I think that's a good idea.
18:18Let me have a look.
18:25Well, here we all are gathered at our first historic boundary stone of ancient time.
18:31Which I...
18:34Which I will now bless.
18:38Oh, sorry.
18:40Pardon.
18:41Oh!
18:43Sorry.
18:45It's fine.
18:47Oh!
18:48Mighty God!
18:50That's it, Vicar!
18:51Bless this...
18:51No, no.
18:52Excuse us, no.
18:52No, I'm just about to bless this...
18:56Sorry, what are you doing?
18:57Right, so we'll be remembering it, Vicar.
19:00Right.
19:00This is your first time in all, isn't it?
19:03It is indeed, yes.
19:04Yes!
19:05No, no, no.
19:06No!
19:06No, no, no, no!
19:08No!
19:08Right?
19:09No!
19:10No, no.
19:11No, no, no!
19:12No, no!
19:13No!
19:26No...
19:27Oh, yeah, yeah!
19:28Oh, yeah, yeah!
19:30Yeah!
19:41On you go, Colin.
19:49So did you have to have this?
19:52And rice?
19:52Oh, no.
19:53I think that the measure of this one is here.
19:55We're stopping here.
19:58Can you talk about this one, please?
20:00I'm rushing, Tash.
20:02You could help.
20:03Oh, go on, Sal.
20:05Speak to your family.
20:07Time spent is never wasted, in spite of what others may think.
20:11We'll talk later.
20:11No something of them yet.
20:13There's plenty of time.
20:14Something all right going on, is there?
20:16Oh, yeah.
20:17I'd have a beer and a walk if I was you.
20:18All right.
20:19Beating the bones, laying down the boundaries over which one should not stray.
20:26Isn't that right, Sal?
20:28Point taken, Eileen.
20:29Well, they found your real mum and dad, didn't they?
20:32No.
20:33Is it Richard and Judy?
20:34No.
20:35Is it the Osmonds?
20:35No.
20:36Is it the Sultan and Sultan of Brunei?
20:38No, Rosie, darling.
20:39No, it isn't.
20:41They have just found the number of someone who claims to be my relative.
20:48Oh, shame.
20:49That sounds boring.
20:50Here, run away with one of these.
20:51I need to talk to your mother.
20:54No, don't worry.
20:54It's okay.
20:54I'll just take him with me.
20:57He's got to go to school, Tash.
21:00You're his mother.
21:01Now, grow up.
21:02All right.
21:02So, what would you do, right?
21:04You just leave him?
21:04Would you just ignore him?
21:05Just, like, tip him down a well and let him rot?
21:07No, no.
21:08I would look after him.
21:09See, that is my point.
21:10Exactly.
21:11You would look after him?
21:12Yes, but it's not my job.
21:14No, well, I know it's not your job, but at least you're good at it.
21:18Oh, Tash.
21:20Below you now, vicar.
21:25I can't actually see anything.
21:27Look, you're all the water.
21:29Just take the oars, Mrs. O'Tripe.
21:31It's down there.
21:32I used to live here.
21:34Right.
21:35Um.
21:44Oh, no.
21:45Ha, ha, ha.
21:47Hi.
21:48Hi.
21:49Ah.
21:51Look, there they are.
21:52They're here.
21:52They're coming now.
21:53I'm going to pick it ready.
21:54God, I'm completely boiled.
21:56Oh, no.
21:57Oh, look at this.
22:05Poor Eileen.
22:06I know, but it's always very difficult, that sort of thing, isn't it?
22:09Oh, yes.
22:10I mean, John and I were thinking of fostering, you know, once our own children grew up.
22:14Ah, but it's just that, I don't know, now the house is so nice, really.
22:18You don't want us on the planet.
22:19Exactly.
22:20Time's yourself.
22:22Cheers.
22:23Cheers.
22:24And the rain falls down on you
22:33As I'm trying to turn
22:38Are you all right?
22:39No, I am not.
22:41I have never encountered a more pointless excise in my life.
22:46Are you chafing?
22:49Quite badly, actually.
22:51I'll see if I can muscle you up with something.
23:00Very kind.
23:03Very Christian.
23:08Look, go away.
23:09This is, like, not a good time.
23:13Anyway, why are you bothering?
23:15Well, er, your friends told me that you're off to Windu, is that true?
23:18My friends would not talk to you.
23:22Well, you're coming down the pub later?
23:24No, I'm going to be, er, packing.
23:26Right.
23:28Excuse me?
23:33I've got a boyfriend, Katie.
23:35And if I did have a boyfriend, it wouldn't be you.
23:38Sorry.
23:41But the life you're giving
23:49Oh, you didn't have that face on.
24:01It's six months.
24:04But you think Rave would miss you?
24:08I don't know.
24:09Sure.
24:10How are you going to get the yerk there?
24:12I'm going to put it on the train in laundry bags.
24:15You want to do the three-legged race with me?
24:16No, I want to do it with your mum.
24:20I want to do it with your mum.
24:30I'm changing.
24:31You're trying to slide.
24:33Come on, baby.
24:34You're trying to clinch a line.
24:36You're trying to clinch a line.
24:38They're trying to clinch a line.
24:39You're ready for 15 decades.
24:39Come on, baby.
24:40Run it!
24:41Stop!
24:42But I'm coming in.
24:47Come on, baby.
24:48Oh, come on!
24:50Come on!
24:53Come on!
24:53There you go!
24:56We don't feel alone
24:58Oh, come on!
25:01Come on!
25:04But we're falling
25:07To the road
25:09Thanks!
25:13I still love you
25:16Going for who
25:17You love
25:21They're all in the pub, Delilah!
25:24Hood!
25:27Come on, Hoodie!
25:37Josh! Hey!
25:40I thought you'd gone.
25:42No, I decided not to.
25:44I thought about what you said
25:46And I decided it'd be irresponsible
25:55Is that the yurt?
25:58No, that's our washing
26:00The yurt went mouldy
26:03I put it up against the recycling
26:05Oh, Tash
26:07Are we going to live here?
26:13Yes
26:14But in the house
26:17Is that okay?
26:18Of course it is
26:20What's the use of me having all this space?
26:24Come on!
26:25Let's get in
26:27Sit down and watch the telly
26:29And we'll get a lottery tickets
26:31And...
26:31But you know, you let yourself in
26:33I've just...
26:34Something I just need to do
26:35Wait a minute
26:41Hello, Kate!
26:46How are you feeling?
26:48I'm alright, darling
26:49Go in
26:53I'll call you Barack
26:55I'll call you Barack
26:56Oh, never rains but it pours
27:02Hello, Lisa
27:03Come to apologise
27:08I'm sorry
27:11Well, there's no need
27:14Worse things happen
27:15You didn't mean badly
27:16Go on
27:19Hi, Sal
27:20Hi, Kate
27:24Well, sit down, ladies
27:28What was it you wanted, Kate?
27:30Well, I just wanted to see how you are
27:32And, since you're on your own now
27:34If you wanted to go through a cruise grocer with me
27:36There are some lovely ones
27:39My favourite's the Braemar
27:40Oh, lovely, Kate
27:43Have you decided what to do, Eileen?
27:45Oh, yes
27:47I've done it, actually
27:48Now, it goes round the Scottish Isles
27:50So, not very hot
27:51If that's a worry
27:52No parents, both dead
27:55Oh, I'm so sorry
27:58Well, I've got a family
28:00I've got a brother
28:01A half-brother
28:02Whole brother
28:03Actually, Sal
28:05Oh, Eileen
28:06I'm so pleased
28:10Lucky for you
28:12Yes
28:14Do you prefer hot places?
28:17Look, I'm not going to go on a cruise, darling
28:18Even if I did have the money
28:20It's sad to go on your own
28:22Oh, no!
28:23I mean, I could always come
28:25I mean, I have been on my own
28:27And it is lovely as well
28:29But...
28:30Oh, Kate
28:35Anyway, I've got to go and cook supper for Rafe and Tash
28:39And now I've got nephews and nieces and birthdays to remember
28:42I won't have a moment to resolve
28:48Thanks
28:49OK
28:54Now then, darling
28:56What are we going to do about you?
28:58Thanks
28:58Thanks
29:28Thanks
29:29Bye
29:29See you
29:29If you're out there, I'm going to grab a little girl
29:30In the meantime
29:30I'm gonna do too
29:30One of my favorites
29:30There's a couple of roses
29:30In the meantime
29:31You can get it
29:31That's what I'm going to do
29:31If you remember
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