- 2 months ago
1990 SITCOM "Tom is depressed because he is missing his late wife, but Marion and Geoffrey are not keen to have him home on respite. He turns his attentions to Diana and suggests that they shack up together, a proposition that offends her so much that she has a partition built between their shared veranda. " IMDB Starring Stephanie Cole, Graham Crowden, Daniel Hill, Janine Duvitski, Andrew Tourell, Sandra Payne
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TVTranscript
00:46Oh, look at this, Antonio.
00:50Your bulbs are upside down, you fool.
00:53Votre fleurs sont...
00:57What is the French for upside down?
01:00Quelle est le français pour upside down?
01:06You're Portuguese, Diana.
01:08I do not speak Portuguese, Jane.
01:11Will you please not confuse the issue?
01:13Bad enough trying to communicate with this sardine-sucking incompetence
01:16without getting around like a bat on heat.
01:19Look. Upside down, oh.
01:23What are you trying to do, make them pop up in Sydney?
01:29Oh, dear God.
01:31How did Vasco de Gama ever make it home?
01:35Mr. Baines did ask you not to throw things at the staff.
01:39It's very bad for morale if the people they're trying to care for keep attacking them.
01:46What do you want, Jane?
01:49Two things.
01:51There's a new resident joining us.
01:54Oh, another condemned soul coming across the sticks.
01:57Her name's Daisy Williams and she's very sweet.
02:00Soon knock that out of her.
02:01I'll be asked if you'd like to show her round.
02:05Me?
02:06Why?
02:06He thinks it'd be nicer to have an actual resident helping people get acquainted.
02:11Sounds like a halfway decent idea.
02:13How on earth did the cretin Baines come up with that?
02:16I thought he was still struggling with his reading lessons.
02:19Well, I might have sowed the seeds.
02:22I thought so.
02:23It smacked of your clotted, cream, gooey niceness oozing all over the carpet.
02:28Oh, thanks, Diana.
02:30What was your second point?
02:32It's Tom.
02:34Oh, my God.
02:35What's he up to now?
02:41He won't get out of bed.
02:46No.
02:47Well, he's away, isn't he?
02:48Off on his endless travels through his library of B-movies.
02:52He's been Scott of the Antarctic all week.
02:55Couldn't get near the bloody fridge.
02:59Tom?
03:00Tom, where are you?
03:04Tom?
03:05Jane Russell is outside in her swimwear.
03:12Wondered if you would like a quick dip.
03:14I haven't seen Jane Russell.
03:18Why don't you just go away, Jane, and leave this to me.
03:21Harvey's getting his son over.
03:23You hear that, Tom?
03:24They're bringing in your idiot son and his revolting wife.
03:27Now, if you're still unconscious, Marion will sell you for scrap.
03:30Tom?
03:39Ground control to Captain Tom.
03:43What's up, old stick?
03:47Oh, Diana.
03:49Oh, Diana.
03:49What is it?
03:51Oh, Diana.
03:52Yes?
03:54Oh, Diana.
03:56Oh, for heaven's sake.
03:58What is the matter with you?
03:59I feel a bit lost, Diana.
04:01Round here or at the South Pole?
04:03Here.
04:04Well, why aren't you getting out of bed?
04:06There doesn't seem much point.
04:07No, of course there's no point.
04:09There is no point in the entire universe.
04:11There is no point in the concept of the vacuum from whence it came.
04:15No point or purpose in anything.
04:17No design.
04:19No nothing.
04:20Nothing and then more nothing.
04:23I only said I didn't want to get out of bed.
04:27Why not?
04:28I'm lonely.
04:30I am on my own.
04:32Oh, no, you're not, Tom.
04:34We're all here.
04:35I'm just next door.
04:37Oh, come on.
04:38You've just got a fit of the blues.
04:40Happens to us all at our age.
04:42You know what I do when I feel really down?
04:45I get up, I get dressed, I go out, and I do something really vile to someone.
04:52Mobile library will be due here soon.
04:54Why don't we go and drive her up the wall?
04:57I miss my wife.
04:59What, a real wife?
05:00Yes, dear Maggie.
05:02She slipped away from me 15 years ago yesterday.
05:05Oh, I see.
05:06I mean, you could be surrounded with people all day, chattering away, doing things.
05:10But there comes a moment when you climb into bed, switch out the light, and you're on your own.
05:15No one to share a thought with, no one to share a hope with.
05:19No one to share the darkness.
05:22All alone.
05:25Lonely.
05:27Well, I can see today's going to be a bundle of laughs.
05:33He misses mummy, according to Diana.
05:36But she's been dead and buried for 15 years.
05:40Well, she was cremated, actually.
05:42She's in a tin in the potting shed.
05:45God almighty.
05:47She was a strange woman.
05:48I sounded sort of the impression she didn't like me.
05:50Oh, surely not.
05:52Anyway, if we could get to the point, I do have a migraine coming on.
05:55Try cutting your head off.
05:56That should fix it.
05:58What do you want us to do?
06:00I thought maybe a change of scenery might cheer him up a bit.
06:02I thought maybe you could take him home with you for a while.
06:05What?
06:06With us?
06:07To our house?
06:08Well, why not?
06:09I've just had the carpets shampooed.
06:12What?
06:13He's old.
06:14He hasn't got full control of all his vowels.
06:17He leaks.
06:19Jake, get me a machete.
06:21I have to do a headache to me.
06:24Not now, Diana.
06:26Come on, dear.
06:27We'll have a chat with him.
06:30I suppose it's monstrous genetic throwbacks like her
06:33that make the human race totally incapable of making any real progress.
06:36Yes, she's an interesting woman.
06:39Daisy Williams is arriving.
06:41Ah, the new internee.
06:42Tell him to hold the dogs and let her through the wire.
06:45I'm coming right down.
06:50What is going on?
06:53The new introduction scheme.
06:54Diana's going to show around.
06:56Diana?
06:58We agreed.
06:59A current resident.
07:00Yes, but a decent resident.
07:02Not Diana Foulmouth Trent.
07:05God, Jane, I thought I was stupid until I met you.
07:08Oh, you are, Harvey.
07:10I mean, you're not Harvey.
07:11Of course you're not.
07:13I'm the one that's stupid.
07:14You're not nearly as stupid as I am.
07:16Jane, you're touching me.
07:18Sorry.
07:25You don't mind if I smoke, do you?
07:27No, of course not.
07:29I've still got full power of one lung.
07:32Besides, I've always had a yen for emphysema.
07:35It's what took my dear Maggie off.
07:37I'd feel an extra closeness if we both died of the same disease.
07:43We both miss mummy too, Dad, don't we, Marion?
07:46Oh, yes, yes.
07:48Lovely lady.
07:50But she hath had a good run.
07:51And we can't all sit in bed forever just because someone dies.
07:55You shall find yourself a hobby.
07:57When my pet hamster died, I took up Japanese paper folding.
08:02Origami.
08:03Well, that's what it was called.
08:05The paper folding, not my hamster.
08:08God.
08:09Let me handle this, Marion.
08:10Why don't you go and plump up the cushions?
08:14Oh.
08:15Right-o.
08:18Oh, Geoffrey.
08:19How could you let a thing like that into your life?
08:22She has her good points.
08:24I suppose.
08:26I remember when your mother first met her, she came to me and she said,
08:31Tom, that was my name then.
08:33It still is, Dad.
08:35Tom, she said, Geoffrey is going to marry the Wicked Witch of the West.
08:40I'm sure she didn't, Dad.
08:42No, probably not.
08:44She was far too kind to be really honest.
08:47You're going to have to come to terms with it, Dad.
08:49Being on your own.
08:50Unless, of course, you weren't on your own.
08:52Not now, dear.
08:53No, no, no.
08:54What does she mean?
08:55Well, you could always find someone else.
08:59Oh, I could never do that.
09:01Oh, why not?
09:02Oh, you don't have to get married these days.
09:04I'm sure the countryside is littered with old ducks on their own.
09:08Who knows?
09:09One of them might have a tidy little sum.
09:11I mean, living here on your own.
09:14Not cheap, you know.
09:15I do pay for myself.
09:17Oh, yes, of course you do.
09:18But the money could be used elsewhere.
09:22You do have a family, after all.
09:24Have you ever thought of cheese wire around the neck?
09:28What did he say?
09:29He's talking about garrotting you, dear.
09:33Oh, nice.
09:39The building has at times been a monastery and a lunatic asylum.
09:44It has now managed to combine the two in this aberration known as the Bayview Retirement Village for the almost
09:51dead.
09:52Gee, it was designed by an architect who was obviously under heavy medication at the time.
10:00Much like that insipid, clot-headed shyster who runs the place now.
10:04You know, Mr. Baines?
10:06Right.
10:07Harvey Baines.
10:08Believed to be a member of the human race, the decision is under appeal.
10:12It's aided and abetted by that harmless animated flannel, Jane Edwards.
10:17We all enjoy making her life a total misery.
10:21Oh, I say, aren't you being rather frightful?
10:28I beg your pardon?
10:29You do seem to me to be the most extraordinarily offensive person.
10:34Oh.
10:35Thank you very much.
10:38Let's do the inside of the stalag now, shall we?
10:49And this is the communal trough.
10:54Any foodstuffs considered unfit for human consumption end up here.
10:58See this yogurt?
11:00Sell-by date is in Roman numerals.
11:03Ah.
11:05Say hello, Harvey, if it's not too much of a strain on your vocabulary.
11:09We have met, it's Rose, isn't it?
11:11Daisy, actually.
11:12Such a lovely name.
11:13My mother was called Rose.
11:14And this is Jenny, who runs the dining room and does the lobotomies.
11:17Take no notice of her, Mrs. Williams.
11:19Diana is a very warped person.
11:21I think she just enjoys trying to shock people.
11:24It's a common trait amongst the ill-mannered and ill-bred.
11:28Ill-bred?
11:29Yes.
11:30Which is your table?
11:32Well, it's this one.
11:33Right, well then, I think I will sit over there, Jenny.
11:37Good day to you, Miss Trent.
11:38And it is Miss, isn't it?
11:40I wouldn't imagine that anyone of your sour disposition could ever have been married.
11:48Well, well, well.
11:49Looks like you met your match there, eh, Diana?
11:51Just go away or I'll kill you, Harvey.
11:54Oh, how charming.
11:55Death threats in the dining room.
11:57Go away, right-o.
11:58Why not?
11:58I'm not sensitive.
12:01What ho, Diana?
12:02Oh, you got up?
12:04Yes, I found a new solution to my problems.
12:06We must have a chat.
12:08Will you join me for yum-yums?
12:11No, thank you.
12:12I'm not hungry.
12:14What's going on up here?
12:18What ho?
12:19My name is Scott, Captain Scott, and these are my two faithful huskies.
12:25I'm very pleased to meet you.
12:29Why don't you park your sleigh and come and join us?
12:36Ill-bred.
12:38Ill-mannered fine, but ill-bred.
12:41Just bloody rude.
12:43Now look what she's done.
12:45That's one china doll that means shoving off the mantelpiece.
12:49Hello, little thing.
12:50You missed a great lunch.
12:51It's Thursday.
12:52I missed a dead rabbit.
12:53No, no.
12:54I mean that new girl, Daisy Williams.
12:56What a sport.
12:57She had us in fits with her parodies of Kipling.
13:01Oh, jolly good.
13:01Bung another hockey stick on the fire.
13:03Got some grand stories.
13:05Anne, she knew sure.
13:06Sandy?
13:07No, George Bernard.
13:08Ah.
13:09So she is as old as she looks.
13:11But as young as she feels.
13:13Oh, my God.
13:14Show them a petticoat.
13:15Her husband was an army waller.
13:18Died last year.
13:19Has she never heard of Satie?
13:22What?
13:22It's a charming old Indian custom whereby the wife throws herself on the dead hubby's bonfire.
13:29Oh, you're not being a little negative about her, are you, Diana?
13:32Negative?
13:32Me?
13:33No, of course not.
13:34I'm absolutely delighted.
13:35I've always wanted a real-life major barber banging about the place, telling me what common
13:39muck I am.
13:41Was there something you wanted, Tom?
13:43Yes, actually, there was.
13:45Well, speak up, ma'am.
13:46I was wondering if you would like to shack up with me.
13:59I'm sorry, Tom.
14:00I don't think I heard you correctly.
14:01I thought you asked me to shack up with you.
14:05Do correct me if I'm wrong.
14:06Oh, that's it.
14:07Well, if you would like to place your head upon the floor, I will endeavour to kick it
14:13clean off your shoes.
14:15Oh, no, Diana.
14:16I don't mean the humpty, dumpty, inky, pinky, harley-voo, hoops-golly, hoops-for-tennis-bit.
14:22Do you mean sex?
14:24Oh, Diana.
14:25There's no point in having a language which encourages the use of complex euphemisms if
14:31you come charging along using words like what you've just said.
14:34What do you want, Tom?
14:35I just meant the living together bit.
14:39Living together?
14:40What, you and me?
14:41Yes, well, we almost do already.
14:42Remember, when I came here first, there was a little floral barrier between us.
14:46Well, that's gone now.
14:48I mean, we would only need one kitchen, one bathroom, one bedroom.
14:53One bedroom?
14:54Two beds.
14:55Then I wouldn't feel lonely, and you'd have a man about the place.
14:59A man about the place?
15:00Yes, but mainly, think of the money, we'd say.
15:04Ah, the money.
15:05Yes, so what do you say?
15:08Would you care to give me a little while to think about your wonderful offer?
15:15I do.
15:16Yes.
15:29Antonio?
15:40Ah, Antonio.
15:43Come with me.
15:46Venise avec moi.
15:51Tête de chouffle.
15:57Hello, Diana.
16:01What are you doing?
16:02Bugger off.
16:05She's very, uh, comfortable.
16:07It's frustration, you know.
16:09Left on the shelf.
16:11They get bitter and twisted and turn on everyone and then on themselves.
16:15And finally go mad.
16:17Are you married, Miss Edwards?
16:19No.
16:20Not.
16:22Excuse me.
16:23Hello, Jane.
16:26Goodbye, Jane.
16:28Strange girl.
16:30What's the matter with her?
16:31Probably something I said.
16:33It usually is.
16:34I have a tendency to speak my mind.
16:38Say what I think.
16:40Why don't you stand up straight?
16:43What's the matter with this place?
16:45LMF.
16:46Lack of moral fibre.
16:49My late husband, Charlie, would soon have whipped this lot into shape.
16:53Your late husband, your late husband, tell me, do you miss him?
16:59Is it that obvious?
17:01No, not at all.
17:05Frankly, I fail to see the point in outliving him.
17:09We were a unit.
17:10The colonel and his second in command.
17:14We did everything the right way at the right time.
17:18We worked for the country.
17:20This country.
17:21All our lives.
17:22We were owed...
17:25We were owed our time together at the end.
17:30But we didn't get it, did we?
17:33Lonely.
17:35Yes.
17:37Very lonely.
17:40Still, not much one can do about that, is there?
17:43I mean, it's not as though one were foreign
17:45and could weep and wail all over the place.
17:47Oh, no.
17:48Right.
17:49Stiff up our...
17:51our thingies.
17:54If you don't hold your head up properly,
17:57you'll get a stoop when you get older.
18:00Fine.
18:02So, have you thought about my offer, Diana?
18:05Are we going to come live in...
18:25That's definitely my room.
18:29My conservatory.
18:32But not my wall.
18:37Excuse me, wall.
18:39How do you do?
18:41My name is Scott, but you can call me Tom.
18:44Now, look.
18:44Uh, this is nothing personal, wall.
18:48It's just that I think you are at the wrong address.
18:52What's that?
18:54Diana put you there.
18:56I thought she might have done.
18:58Any idea why?
19:01No?
19:03Maybe we'd better ask her.
19:08Hello?
19:13Diana?
19:16Are you there?
19:20Good grief.
19:22Diana, how nice to see you.
19:23What do you want?
19:25Nothing, nothing.
19:27Good.
19:31What do you want?
19:34Correct me if I'm wrong, Diana.
19:36I know I do sometimes stray from the rigid paths of perceived reality.
19:41I know that I also have occasional hiccups in my logical progressions.
19:45I know that...
19:46What do you want?
19:49Is this a wall here?
19:51It is.
19:52In actual real life?
19:55Yes.
19:56I see.
19:57And it is erected at your instigation?
20:00Yes.
20:01You are desirous to emulate the Emperor Hadrian?
20:05Only when there are barbarians next door.
20:10What have I done?
20:12You've no idea, have you?
20:14It is something I said.
20:32Jane?
20:34Yes, Diana?
20:36Take that woman outside and break her fingers.
20:40Diana, why don't you have a sing-song?
20:43I have never had a sing-song in my life, Jane.
20:46I'm quite capable of reading without the assistance of a bouncing ball.
20:51Thank you very much, I'm sure.
20:52Harvey Baines likes to sing along.
20:56You're just jealous, Diana, because Daisy's so popular.
21:00Well, come on.
21:21That...
21:21That is a wooden partition.
21:24Brilliant, Harvey.
21:25We all thought it was a bit of fish.
21:27I mean, it is an unauthorised wooden partition.
21:31That's hardly the point.
21:32It is very much the point.
21:34It contravenes all building and fire regulations.
21:36I mean, what would he do if the fire broke out here?
21:39You tell me that, Jane.
21:40I expect he'd step out of the window here.
21:43Nobody asked you, Jane.
21:46It'll have to go.
21:47The problem, Harvey, is not the wall itself,
21:50but the reason it is there.
21:52Why did Diana put it up at all?
21:53To upset me, of course.
21:55Everything that woman ever does is done to upset me.
21:57Oh, she told me that was too easy.
21:59She's bored with that.
22:00This is because of me, I think.
22:02Well, why don't you ask her?
22:03She won't kill me.
22:04What do you expect me to do about it?
22:07My job is to run this place efficiently and economically
22:10without illegal partitions popping up all over the place.
22:15Personal problems are not my area at all.
22:16Well, whose area are they?
22:18Hers.
22:19Mine?
22:20Yes, now sort it out, Jane.
22:21Diana's gone too far this time.
22:22Now you tell that vicious old stoat,
22:24I want this wall removed.
22:25OK?
22:27Hello, Diana.
22:33Yoo-hoo!
22:37I said, Yoo-hoo!
22:38So?
22:39Well, usually when I say Yoo-hoo,
22:41you tell me to bug and go away,
22:44or hit me on the head,
22:46or something equally charming.
22:48Do I?
22:49So, you don't want to, er, swear at me?
22:53Nope.
22:57Nice wall you've got there.
23:00Sit.
23:00Sorry?
23:01Sit down.
23:02Right.
23:03You want to know why I have built a wall between myself and Tom?
23:07Er, well, er, you know, er...
23:10Yes.
23:12Awesomely improbable, as it may seem, Jane,
23:14you and I have something in common.
23:15We do?
23:16What is it?
23:17We're women.
23:18We are single women.
23:19Oh.
23:20And likely to remain that way.
23:22Oh, Diana.
23:23The only difference is that whereas I am happily resigned to my connubial solitude,
23:27you cling desperately to the hope that that idiot Baines
23:31will one day park his Gucci slippers beneath your sorry cot.
23:35That's very cruel, Diana.
23:37Diana, my relationship with Harvey is purely business.
23:41I just happen to admire him from afar for the fine human being that he is.
23:47Good God.
23:50Well, anyway, Jane, even though we are single,
23:53it does not mean that we like being taken for granted.
23:56It does not mean that we don't like to be courted.
24:00It does not mean that we like to be treated like some money-saving device.
24:03It does not mean that we are open to callous invitations to shack up with someone.
24:08Nobody's ever asked me to shack up with them.
24:12No, well, they have me.
24:15Oh.
24:16You mean...
24:17Oh.
24:18I don't blame Tom.
24:20He's daft.
24:21He's away with the fairies most of the time.
24:24He runs on a different gauged track to the rest of us.
24:28But until now, he's always been possessed of a certain goodness of spirit.
24:34I've done my best to make him see how awful life is,
24:36but thank God he's always come smiling through.
24:41True innocent.
24:43This time, he has hit the buffers,
24:46and I was standing right in front of them.
24:51And I'm not amused.
24:53But will you forgive him?
24:56Yes, of course I will.
24:57Eventually.
24:59Maybe I could help.
25:03Yes, maybe you could.
25:06Diana, I'm getting a bit fed up with this.
25:08And you've put a belt at your side, haven't you?
25:11Oh, well, I don't care.
25:13You want to be Howard Hughes, you be Howard Hughes.
25:16And I hope your fingernails grow so long they stab you.
25:20Oh, I don't know.
25:21I don't know.
25:24Yoo-hoo!
25:26Ah, Jane, have you spoken with her?
25:28Yes.
25:28What does she say?
25:29She doesn't think Harvey and I have a future together.
25:33But what does she have to say about me?
25:34I mean, I think she's wrong about Harvey.
25:37He's really a lovely man.
25:38He just hides it sometimes.
25:41Jane!
25:42Oh, sorry.
25:44Yes, what did she say?
25:45Um, she thinks you're daft.
25:47What?
25:48And away with the fairies.
25:49And she doesn't want to be taken for granted.
25:51And she doesn't want to shack up with you.
25:53And she was rude about Harvey's slippers.
25:57Well, that's charming, I must say.
26:00I make her a wonderful proposition and she throws it back in my face.
26:03Well, that's it.
26:04I'm never going to talk to her again.
26:05Oh, no, you mustn't do that.
26:07I'm here to patch things up.
26:10Oh, dear.
26:11I don't seem to be getting it right.
26:13Hello?
26:14Hello?
26:14Hello.
26:15It's me, Daisy.
26:16Ah, Daisy.
26:17How nice to see you.
26:18You know Jane, don't you?
26:19Yes, of course.
26:20Hello, dear.
26:20Nice to see you.
26:21Do run along.
26:22I was just explaining.
26:23That's all right, dear.
26:24About your duties.
26:26Yes, right.
26:27Bye.
26:28Ah, Daisy.
26:29What can I do for you?
26:30You can put on your hat.
26:32You can take my arm.
26:33And we shall go for a stroll.
26:35Oh.
26:37Oh.
26:38Um, yes.
26:40Why not?
26:40Jolly good idea.
26:41Just what a chap needs.
26:42It gets awfully stuffy and confused in here.
26:45Off we go.
26:46We shall go down to the lake.
26:51I've got a few plans for shaping things up around here.
26:56Jolly good.
26:57Tell me, do you have any organisational abilities?
27:01I have organised three arctic expeditions.
27:04Indeed.
27:06We'll make a grand team.
27:08Ha, ha, ha, ha.
27:11Yes, well, uh, the people are on the back there.
27:14Tom?
27:15Tom?
27:16Tom?
27:16Tom?
27:18Tom?
27:18Tom?
27:19Tom?
27:19Tom?
27:20Tom?
27:20Tom?
27:21Tom?
27:22Tom?
27:23Tom?
27:24Tom?
27:27Tom?
27:28Tom?
27:30Tom?
27:39Tom?
27:40Tom?
27:41Tom?
27:42Tom?
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