- 6 minutes ago
1990 SITCOM "Tom Ballard is put into the Bayview Retirement Village by his weak-willed son Geoffrey and his domineering, drunk daughter-in-law Marion. Many of the residents are very passive, but retired journalist Diana Trent's mission in life is to annoy "the idiot Bains"--the home's manager, Harvey Nigel Bains. " IMDB Starring Stephanie Cole, Graham Crowden, Daniel Hill, Janine Duvitski, Andrew Tourell, Sandra Payne
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TVTranscript
00:46Oh, look at this, Antonio.
00:50Your bulbs are upside down, you fool.
00:53Votre fleurs sont...
00:57What is the French for upside down?
01:00Quelle est le français pour upside down?
01:06You're Portuguese, Diana.
01:08I do not speak Portuguese, Jane.
01:11Will you please not confuse the issue?
01:13Bad enough trying to communicate with this sardine-sucking incompetence
01:16without getting around like a bat on heat.
01:19Look. Upside down, oh.
01:23What are you trying to do, make them pop up in Sydney?
01:29Oh, dear God.
01:31How did Vasco de Gama ever make it home?
01:35Mr. Baines did ask you not to throw things at the staff.
01:39It's very bad for morale if the people they're trying to care for keep attacking them.
01:46What do you want, Jane?
01:49Two things.
01:51There's a new resident joining us.
01:54Oh, another condemned soul coming across the sticks.
01:57Her name's Daisy Williams and she's very sweet.
02:00Soon knock that out of her.
02:01I'll be asked if you'd like to show her round.
02:05Me?
02:06Why?
02:06He thinks it'd be nicer to have an actual resident helping people get acquainted.
02:11Sounds like a halfway decent idea.
02:13How on earth did the cretin Baines come up with that?
02:16I thought he was still struggling with his reading lessons.
02:19Well, I might have sowed the seeds.
02:22I thought so.
02:23It smacked of your clotted, cream, gooey niceness oozing all over the carpet.
02:28Oh, thanks, Diana.
02:30What was your second point?
02:32It's Tom.
02:34Oh, my God.
02:35What's he up to now?
02:41He won't get out of bed.
02:46No.
02:47Well, he's away, isn't he?
02:48Off on his endless travels through his library of B-movies.
02:52He's been Scott of the Antarctic all week.
02:55Couldn't get near the bloody fridge.
02:59Tom?
03:00Tom, where are you?
03:04Tom?
03:05Jane Russell is outside in her swimwear.
03:12Wondered if you would like a quick dip.
03:14I haven't seen Jane Russell.
03:18Why don't you just go away, Jane, and leave this to me.
03:21Harvey's getting his son over.
03:23You hear that, Tom?
03:24They're bringing in your idiot son and his revolting wife.
03:27Now, if you're still unconscious, Marion will sell you for scrap.
03:30Tom?
03:39Ground control to Captain Tom.
03:43What's up, old stick?
03:47Oh, Diana.
03:49Oh, Diana.
03:49What is it?
03:51Oh, Diana.
03:52Yes?
03:54Oh, Diana.
03:56Oh, for heaven's sake.
03:58What is the matter with you?
03:59I feel a bit lost, Diana.
04:01Round here or at the South Pole?
04:03Here.
04:04Well, why aren't you getting out of bed?
04:06There doesn't seem much point.
04:07No, of course there's no point.
04:09There is no point in the entire universe.
04:11There is no point in the concept of the vacuum from whence it came.
04:15No point or purpose in anything.
04:17No design.
04:19No nothing.
04:20Nothing and then more nothing.
04:23I only said I didn't want to get out of bed.
04:27Why not?
04:28I'm lonely.
04:30I am on my own.
04:32Oh, no, you're not, Tom.
04:34We're all here.
04:35I'm just next door.
04:37Oh, come on.
04:38You've just got a fit of the blues.
04:40Happens to us all at our age.
04:42You know what I do when I feel really down?
04:45I get up, I get dressed, I go out, and I do something really vile to someone.
04:52Mobile library will be due here soon.
04:54Why don't we go and drive her up the wall?
04:57I miss my wife.
04:59What, a real wife?
05:00Yes, dear Maggie.
05:02She slipped away from me 15 years ago yesterday.
05:05Oh, I see.
05:06I mean, you could be surrounded with people all day, chattering away, doing things.
05:10But there comes a moment when you climb into bed, switch out the light, and you're on your own.
05:15No one to share a thought with, no one to share a hope with.
05:19No one to share the darkness.
05:22All alone.
05:25Lonely.
05:27Well, I can see today's going to be a bundle of laughs.
05:33He misses mummy, according to Diana.
05:36But she's been dead and buried for 15 years.
05:40Well, she was cremated, actually.
05:42She's in a tin in the potting shed.
05:45God almighty.
05:47She was a strange woman.
05:48I sounded sort of the impression she didn't like me.
05:50Oh, surely not.
05:52Anyway, if we could get to the point, I do have a migraine coming on.
05:55Try cutting your head off.
05:56That should fix it.
05:58What do you want us to do?
06:00I thought maybe a change of scenery might cheer him up a bit.
06:02I thought maybe you could take him home with you for a while.
06:05What?
06:06With us?
06:07To our house?
06:08Well, why not?
06:09I've just had the carpets shampooed.
06:12What?
06:13He's old.
06:14He hasn't got full control of all his vowels.
06:17He leaks.
06:19Jake, get me a machete.
06:21I have to do a headache to me.
06:24Not now, Diana.
06:26Come on, dear.
06:27We'll have a chat with him.
06:30I suppose it's monstrous genetic throwbacks like her
06:33that make the human race totally incapable of making any real progress.
06:36Yes, she's an interesting woman.
06:39Daisy Williams is arriving.
06:41Ah, the new internee.
06:42Tell him to hold the dogs and let her through the wire.
06:45I'm coming right down.
06:50What is going on?
06:53The new introduction scheme.
06:54Diana's going to show around.
06:56Diana?
06:58We agreed.
06:59A current resident.
07:00Yes, but a decent resident.
07:02Not Diana Foulmouth Trent.
07:05God, Jane, I thought I was stupid until I met you.
07:08Oh, you are, Harvey.
07:10I mean, you're not Harvey.
07:11Of course you're not.
07:13I'm the one that's stupid.
07:14You're not nearly as stupid as I am.
07:16Jane, you're touching me.
07:18Sorry.
07:25You don't mind if I smoke, do you?
07:27No, of course not.
07:29I've still got full power of one lung.
07:32Besides, I've always had a yen for emphysema.
07:35It's what took my dear Maggie off.
07:37I'd feel an extra closeness if we both died of the same disease.
07:43We both miss mummy too, Dad, don't we, Marion?
07:46Oh, yes, yes.
07:48Lovely lady.
07:50But she hath had a good run.
07:51And we can't all sit in bed forever just because someone dies.
07:55You shall find yourself a hobby.
07:57When my pet hamster died, I took up Japanese paper folding.
08:02Origami.
08:03Well, that's what it was called.
08:05The paper folding, not my hamster.
08:08God.
08:09Let me handle this, Marion.
08:10Why don't you go and plump up the cushions?
08:14Oh.
08:15Right-o.
08:18Oh, Geoffrey.
08:19How could you let a thing like that into your life?
08:22She has her good points.
08:24I suppose.
08:26I remember when your mother first met her, she came to me and she said,
08:31Tom, that was my name then.
08:33It still is, Dad.
08:35Tom, she said, Geoffrey is going to marry the Wicked Witch of the West.
08:40I'm sure she didn't, Dad.
08:42No, probably not.
08:44She was far too kind to be really honest.
08:47You're going to have to come to terms with it, Dad.
08:49Being on your own.
08:50Unless, of course, you weren't on your own.
08:52Not now, dear.
08:53No, no, no.
08:54What does she mean?
08:55Well, you could always find someone else.
08:59Oh, I could never do that.
09:01Oh, why not?
09:02Oh, you don't have to get married these days.
09:04I'm sure the countryside is littered with old ducks on their own.
09:08Who knows?
09:09One of them might have a tidy little sum.
09:11I mean, living here on your own.
09:14Not cheap, you know.
09:15I do pay for myself.
09:17Oh, yes, of course you do.
09:18But the money could be used elsewhere.
09:22You do have a family, after all.
09:24Have you ever thought of cheese wire around the neck?
09:28What did he say?
09:29He's talking about garrotting you, dear.
09:33Oh, nice.
09:39The building has at times been a monastery and a lunatic asylum.
09:44It has now managed to combine the two in this aberration known as the Bayview Retirement Village for the almost
09:51dead.
09:52Gee, it was designed by an architect who was obviously under heavy medication at the time.
10:00Much like that insipid, clot-headed shyster who runs the place now.
10:04You know, Mr. Baines?
10:06Right.
10:07Harvey Baines.
10:08Believed to be a member of the human race, the decision is under appeal.
10:12It's aided and abetted by that harmless animated flannel, Jane Edwards.
10:17We all enjoy making her life a total misery.
10:21Oh, I say, aren't you being rather frightful?
10:28I beg your pardon?
10:29You do seem to me to be the most extraordinarily offensive person.
10:34Oh.
10:35Thank you very much.
10:38Let's do the inside of the stalag now, shall we?
10:49And this is the communal trough.
10:54Any foodstuffs considered unfit for human consumption end up here.
10:58See this yogurt?
11:00Sell-by date is in Roman numerals.
11:03Ah.
11:05Say hello, Harvey, if it's not too much of a strain on your vocabulary.
11:09We have met, it's Rose, isn't it?
11:11Daisy, actually.
11:12Such a lovely name.
11:13My mother was called Rose.
11:14And this is Jenny, who runs the dining room and does the lobotomies.
11:17Take no notice of her, Mrs. Williams.
11:19Diana is a very warped person.
11:21I think she just enjoys trying to shock people.
11:24It's a common trait amongst the ill-mannered and ill-bred.
11:28Ill-bred?
11:29Yes.
11:30Which is your table?
11:32Well, it's this one.
11:33Right, well then, I think I will sit over there, Jenny.
11:37Good day to you, Miss Trent.
11:38And it is Miss, isn't it?
11:40I wouldn't imagine that anyone of your sour disposition could ever have been married.
11:48Well, well, well.
11:49Looks like you met your match there, eh, Diana?
11:51Just go away or I'll kill you, Harvey.
11:54Oh, how charming.
11:55Death threats in the dining room.
11:57Go away, right-o.
11:58Why not?
11:58I'm not sensitive.
12:01What ho, Diana?
12:02Oh, you got up?
12:04Yes, I found a new solution to my problems.
12:06We must have a chat.
12:08Will you join me for yum-yums?
12:11No, thank you.
12:12I'm not hungry.
12:14What's going on up here?
12:18What ho?
12:19My name is Scott, Captain Scott, and these are my two faithful huskies.
12:25I'm very pleased to meet you.
12:29Why don't you park your sleigh and come and join us?
12:36Ill-bred.
12:38Ill-mannered fine, but ill-bred.
12:41Just bloody rude.
12:43Now look what she's done.
12:45That's one china doll that means shoving off the mantelpiece.
12:49Hello, little thing.
12:50You missed a great lunch.
12:51It's Thursday.
12:52I missed a dead rabbit.
12:53No, no.
12:54I mean that new girl, Daisy Williams.
12:56What a sport.
12:57She had us in fits with her parodies of Kipling.
13:01Oh, jolly good.
13:01Bung another hockey stick on the fire.
13:03Got some grand stories.
13:05Anne, she knew sure.
13:06Sandy?
13:07No, George Bernard.
13:08Ah.
13:09So she is as old as she looks.
13:11But as young as she feels.
13:13Oh, my God.
13:14Show them a petticoat.
13:15Her husband was an army waller.
13:18Died last year.
13:19Has she never heard of Satie?
13:22What?
13:22It's a charming old Indian custom whereby the wife throws herself on the dead hubby's bonfire.
13:29Oh, you're not being a little negative about her, are you, Diana?
13:32Negative?
13:32Me?
13:33No, of course not.
13:34I'm absolutely delighted.
13:35I've always wanted a real-life major barber banging about the place, telling me what common
13:39muck I am.
13:41Was there something you wanted, Tom?
13:43Yes, actually, there was.
13:45Well, speak up, ma'am.
13:46I was wondering if you would like to shack up with me.
13:59I'm sorry, Tom.
14:00I don't think I heard you correctly.
14:01I thought you asked me to shack up with you.
14:05Do correct me if I'm wrong.
14:06Oh, that's it.
14:07Well, if you would like to place your head upon the floor, I will endeavour to kick it
14:13clean off your shoes.
14:15Oh, no, Diana.
14:16I don't mean the humpty, dumpty, inky, pinky, harley-voo, hoops-golly, hoops-for-tennis-bit.
14:22Do you mean sex?
14:24Oh, Diana.
14:25There's no point in having a language which encourages the use of complex euphemisms if
14:31you come charging along using words like what you've just said.
14:34What do you want, Tom?
14:35I just meant the living together bit.
14:39Living together?
14:40What, you and me?
14:41Yes, well, we almost do already.
14:42Remember, when I came here first, there was a little floral barrier between us.
14:46Well, that's gone now.
14:48I mean, we would only need one kitchen, one bathroom, one bedroom.
14:53One bedroom?
14:54Two beds.
14:55Then I wouldn't feel lonely, and you'd have a man about the place.
14:59A man about the place?
15:00Yes, but mainly, think of the money, we'd say.
15:04Ah, the money.
15:05Yes, so what do you say?
15:08Would you care to give me a little while to think about your wonderful offer?
15:15I do.
15:16Yes.
15:29Antonio?
15:40Ah, Antonio.
15:43Come with me.
15:46Venise avec moi.
15:51Tête de chouffle.
15:57Hello, Diana.
16:01What are you doing?
16:02Bugger off.
16:05She's very, uh, comfortable.
16:07It's frustration, you know.
16:09Left on the shelf.
16:11They get bitter and twisted and turn on everyone and then on themselves.
16:15And finally go mad.
16:17Are you married, Miss Edwards?
16:19No.
16:20Not.
16:22Excuse me.
16:23Hello, Jane.
16:26Goodbye, Jane.
16:28Strange girl.
16:30What's the matter with her?
16:31Probably something I said.
16:33It usually is.
16:34I have a tendency to speak my mind.
16:38Say what I think.
16:40Why don't you stand up straight?
16:43What's the matter with this place?
16:45LMF.
16:46Lack of moral fibre.
16:49My late husband, Charlie, would soon have whipped this lot into shape.
16:53Your late husband, your late husband, tell me, do you miss him?
16:59Is it that obvious?
17:01No, not at all.
17:05Frankly, I fail to see the point in outliving him.
17:09We were a unit.
17:10The colonel and his second in command.
17:14We did everything the right way at the right time.
17:18We worked for the country.
17:20This country.
17:21All our lives.
17:22We were owed...
17:25We were owed our time together at the end.
17:30But we didn't get it, did we?
17:33Lonely.
17:35Yes.
17:37Very lonely.
17:40Still, not much one can do about that, is there?
17:43I mean, it's not as though one were foreign
17:45and could weep and wail all over the place.
17:47Oh, no.
17:48Right.
17:49Stiff up our...
17:51our thingies.
17:54If you don't hold your head up properly,
17:57you'll get a stoop when you get older.
18:00Fine.
18:02So, have you thought about my offer, Diana?
18:05Are we going to come live in...
18:25That's definitely my room.
18:29My conservatory.
18:32But not my wall.
18:37Excuse me, wall.
18:39How do you do?
18:41My name is Scott, but you can call me Tom.
18:44Now, look.
18:44Uh, this is nothing personal, wall.
18:48It's just that I think you are at the wrong address.
18:52What's that?
18:54Diana put you there.
18:56I thought she might have done.
18:58Any idea why?
19:01No?
19:03Maybe we'd better ask her.
19:08Hello?
19:13Diana?
19:16Are you there?
19:20Good grief.
19:22Diana, how nice to see you.
19:23What do you want?
19:25Nothing, nothing.
19:27Good.
19:31What do you want?
19:34Correct me if I'm wrong, Diana.
19:36I know I do sometimes stray from the rigid paths of perceived reality.
19:41I know that I also have occasional hiccups in my logical progressions.
19:45I know that...
19:46What do you want?
19:49Is this a wall here?
19:51It is.
19:52In actual real life?
19:55Yes.
19:56I see.
19:57And it is erected at your instigation?
20:00Yes.
20:01You are desirous to emulate the Emperor Hadrian?
20:05Only when there are barbarians next door.
20:10What have I done?
20:12You've no idea, have you?
20:14It is something I said.
20:32Jane?
20:34Yes, Diana?
20:36Take that woman outside and break her fingers.
20:40Diana, why don't you have a sing-song?
20:43I have never had a sing-song in my life, Jane.
20:46I'm quite capable of reading without the assistance of a bouncing ball.
20:51Thank you very much, I'm sure.
20:52Harvey Baines likes to sing along.
20:56You're just jealous, Diana, because Daisy's so popular.
21:00Well, come on.
21:21That...
21:21That is a wooden partition.
21:24Brilliant, Harvey.
21:25We all thought it was a bit of fish.
21:27I mean, it is an unauthorised wooden partition.
21:31That's hardly the point.
21:32It is very much the point.
21:34It contravenes all building and fire regulations.
21:36I mean, what would he do if the fire broke out here?
21:39You tell me that, Jane.
21:40I expect he'd step out of the window here.
21:43Nobody asked you, Jane.
21:46It'll have to go.
21:47The problem, Harvey, is not the wall itself,
21:50but the reason it is there.
21:52Why did Diana put it up at all?
21:53To upset me, of course.
21:55Everything that woman ever does is done to upset me.
21:57Oh, she told me that was too easy.
21:59She's bored with that.
22:00This is because of me, I think.
22:02Well, why don't you ask her?
22:03She won't kill me.
22:04What do you expect me to do about it?
22:07My job is to run this place efficiently and economically
22:10without illegal partitions popping up all over the place.
22:15Personal problems are not my area at all.
22:16Well, whose area are they?
22:18Hers.
22:19Mine?
22:20Yes, now sort it out, Jane.
22:21Diana's gone too far this time.
22:22Now you tell that vicious old stoat,
22:24I want this wall removed.
22:25OK?
22:27Hello, Diana.
22:33Yoo-hoo!
22:37I said, Yoo-hoo!
22:38So?
22:39Well, usually when I say Yoo-hoo,
22:41you tell me to bug and go away,
22:44or hit me on the head,
22:46or something equally charming.
22:48Do I?
22:49So, you don't want to, er, swear at me?
22:53Nope.
22:57Nice wall you've got there.
23:00Sit.
23:00Sorry?
23:01Sit down.
23:02Right.
23:03You want to know why I have built a wall between myself and Tom?
23:07Er, well, er, you know, er...
23:10Yes.
23:12Awesomely improbable, as it may seem, Jane,
23:14you and I have something in common.
23:15We do?
23:16What is it?
23:17We're women.
23:18We are single women.
23:19Oh.
23:20And likely to remain that way.
23:22Oh, Diana.
23:23The only difference is that whereas I am happily resigned to my connubial solitude,
23:27you cling desperately to the hope that that idiot Baines
23:31will one day park his Gucci slippers beneath your sorry cot.
23:35That's very cruel, Diana.
23:37Diana, my relationship with Harvey is purely business.
23:41I just happen to admire him from afar for the fine human being that he is.
23:47Good God.
23:50Well, anyway, Jane, even though we are single,
23:53it does not mean that we like being taken for granted.
23:56It does not mean that we don't like to be courted.
24:00It does not mean that we like to be treated like some money-saving device.
24:03It does not mean that we are open to callous invitations to shack up with someone.
24:08Nobody's ever asked me to shack up with them.
24:12No, well, they have me.
24:15Oh.
24:16You mean...
24:17Oh.
24:18I don't blame Tom.
24:20He's daft.
24:21He's away with the fairies most of the time.
24:24He runs on a different gauged track to the rest of us.
24:28But until now, he's always been possessed of a certain goodness of spirit.
24:34I've done my best to make him see how awful life is,
24:36but thank God he's always come smiling through.
24:41True innocent.
24:43This time, he has hit the buffers,
24:46and I was standing right in front of them.
24:51And I'm not amused.
24:53But will you forgive him?
24:56Yes, of course I will.
24:57Eventually.
24:59Maybe I could help.
25:03Yes, maybe you could.
25:06Diana, I'm getting a bit fed up with this.
25:08And you've put a belt at your side, haven't you?
25:11Oh, well, I don't care.
25:13You want to be Howard Hughes, you be Howard Hughes.
25:16And I hope your fingernails grow so long they stab you.
25:20Oh, I don't know.
25:21I don't know.
25:24Yoo-hoo!
25:26Ah, Jane, have you spoken with her?
25:28Yes.
25:28What does she say?
25:29She doesn't think Harvey and I have a future together.
25:33But what does she have to say about me?
25:34I mean, I think she's wrong about Harvey.
25:37He's really a lovely man.
25:38He just hides it sometimes.
25:41Jane!
25:42Oh, sorry.
25:44Yes, what did she say?
25:45Um, she thinks you're daft.
25:47What?
25:48And away with the fairies.
25:49And she doesn't want to be taken for granted.
25:51And she doesn't want to shack up with you.
25:53And she was rude about Harvey's slippers.
25:57Well, that's charming, I must say.
26:00I make her a wonderful proposition and she throws it back in my face.
26:03Well, that's it.
26:04I'm never going to talk to her again.
26:05Oh, no, you mustn't do that.
26:07I'm here to patch things up.
26:10Oh, dear.
26:11I don't seem to be getting it right.
26:13Hello?
26:14Hello?
26:14Hello.
26:15It's me, Daisy.
26:16Ah, Daisy.
26:17How nice to see you.
26:18You know Jane, don't you?
26:19Yes, of course.
26:20Hello, dear.
26:20Nice to see you.
26:21Do run along.
26:22I was just explaining.
26:23That's all right, dear.
26:24About your duties.
26:26Yes, right.
26:27Bye.
26:28Ah, Daisy.
26:29What can I do for you?
26:30You can put on your hat.
26:32You can take my arm.
26:33And we shall go for a stroll.
26:35Oh.
26:37Oh.
26:38Um, yes.
26:40Why not?
26:40Jolly good idea.
26:41Just what a chap needs.
26:42It gets awfully stuffy and confused in here.
26:45Off we go.
26:46We shall go down to the lake.
26:51I've got a few plans for shaping things up around here.
26:56Jolly good.
26:57Tell me, do you have any organisational abilities?
27:01I have organised three arctic expeditions.
27:04Indeed.
27:06We'll make a grand team.
27:08Ha, ha, ha, ha.
27:11Yes, well, uh, the people are on the back there.
27:14Tom?
27:15Tom?
27:16Tom?
27:16Tom?
27:18Tom?
27:18Tom?
27:19Tom?
27:19Tom?
27:20Tom?
27:20Tom?
27:21Tom?
27:22Tom?
27:23Tom?
27:24Tom?
27:27Tom?
27:28Tom?
27:30Tom?
27:39Tom?
27:40Tom?
27:41Tom?
27:42Tom?
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