- 7 minutes ago
1990 SITCOM "Tom Ballard is put into the Bayview Retirement Village by his weak-willed son Geoffrey and his domineering, drunk daughter-in-law Marion. Many of the residents are very passive, but retired journalist Diana Trent's mission in life is to annoy "the idiot Bains"--the home's manager, Harvey Nigel Bains. " IMDB Starring Stephanie Cole, Graham Crowden, Daniel Hill, Janine Duvitski, Andrew Tourell, Sandra Payne
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TVTranscript
00:21Piano music
00:41Look, please, Diana.
00:43Well, are you going to make your move?
00:44Or have I got time to bash out a quick novel?
00:47I'm thinking.
00:48Yes, I know.
00:49I can hear the terrible crunching of long, rusted gears
00:52and the tired creaking of a machine in pain.
00:55Very poetic.
00:57Oh, God.
01:00If I should die, think only this of me.
01:04I played Tom Ballard chess while busting for a pee.
01:09Well, go, then.
01:10I don't want to go.
01:11I'm just trying to stop my brain from totally atrophying
01:13while you make your next move.
01:15Ah.
01:18No.
01:19Oh, God, strike him down.
01:21Come on, God, right now.
01:22Puff, frizzle, pile of dust.
01:24You don't believe in God?
01:25I'm getting desperate.
01:27What's the hurry?
01:28At my back, I always hear
01:30Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
01:33Andrew Marvel.
01:35Was he related to Captain Marvel?
01:37You just make your move, or I'll hide your teeth again.
01:41I'm just about to.
01:43Keep your knickers in the untwisted position.
01:48Checkmate.
01:49What?
01:50Checkmate.
01:51You can't do that.
01:53I just did.
01:59You can't do that.
02:00I just did.
02:01But that's draft.
02:02We're playing chess.
02:03I changed the game.
02:05You lost, Diana.
02:07Diana, why don't you accept the fact that you are outmaneuvered by a vastly superior mind?
02:12What is our overall score in games?
02:17Can't remember.
02:18Diana, 408.
02:20Tom, 2.
02:22You are a really nasty loser.
02:25You show me a nice loser, and I'll show you a wet, weedy wimp.
02:28Oh, yes.
02:29Yes, yes.
02:30The weakest goes to the wall.
02:32Stand back.
02:33Here comes Diana in her chariot.
02:35To be gracious in defeat means that you are a person of nobility and sensitivity.
02:41It means that you are a loser.
02:43You lost, Diana.
02:45You lose everything these days.
02:46What do you mean?
02:47Well, where are your car keys?
02:50Oh.
02:52What do you mean, my car keys?
02:53I haven't got a car.
02:55Lost that too, have you?
02:56You lose everything these days.
02:57I do not.
02:59What about your croaky mallet?
03:00It was stolen.
03:01And your last four walking sticks?
03:03All stolen.
03:04Oh, yes, yes, yes, I'm sure.
03:06Hot walking sticks are big business round here.
03:08I expect they whip them off down a back alley, strip them down, change the serial numbers and flog them
03:14in Italy.
03:16What point are you trying to make?
03:18The point I'm trying to make is that you are getting absent-minded.
03:22The feeble fingers of senility are tugging at your gun.
03:25Oh, dear God, I am not getting absent-minded.
03:28Well, yesterday we went to Ray Wood's funeral.
03:31Who wore brightest yellow and asked which side the bride's family was sitting?
03:38Sometimes I just get a bit preoccupied.
03:40It's because my brain is still working at full speed and my body takes a couple of days to catch
03:44up.
03:44Well, I'm not inviting you to my funeral.
03:47A cranky canary hopping all over my coffin.
03:50Hello, Ray.
03:52Goodbye.
03:54Morning.
03:56Diana, here's your walking stick.
03:58You left it in Betty Hardcastle's place.
04:01Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
04:02And how are we today?
04:04I'm dead.
04:04Me too.
04:05Jolly good.
04:06I want to see you've been playing that thingy.
04:09I could never get the hang of that myself.
04:11I always seem to get Mrs. Purple doing it in the drawing room with a candlestick.
04:18Jane, what do you want?
04:19I can't believe you just came here to flaunt your appalling ignorance.
04:22Just checking.
04:23You were coming in to lunch today.
04:25Oh, certainly am.
04:26Certainly am.
04:26Don't intend starving to death.
04:28Far prefer to be poisoned.
04:29Harvey wants to talk to everyone.
04:31He has a matter of great importance to discuss.
04:34What?
04:35I'm afraid it's a black day for Bayview.
04:39Please be there.
04:42What is our beloved Fuhrer up to this time?
04:46Probably wants to cut the food rations.
04:48Double the guards.
04:50Bring in more dogs.
04:51It's definitely time to break out and head for Switzerland.
04:53Oh, no, not now, Tom.
04:55Dickie, Johnny, Ginger, Nobby, get the escape committee together.
05:00We're telling you...
05:02Not cold it's again.
05:05All that bloody sand down his trousers.
05:10They want to know what it's all about.
05:12Don't you worry.
05:13I will shortly reveal all.
05:14That should give him a good laugh.
05:19Ah, Betty.
05:21Why did you steal my stick?
05:23Oh, Diana, I never did such a thing.
05:25Well, it was found in your place.
05:26You left it there when you came to tea.
05:29I did not.
05:29You did, too.
05:31I was there.
05:31Basil, when I want your opinion, I'll pull your chain.
05:35Don't you be mean to Betty.
05:37Thank you, Basil.
05:39Basil's at it again.
05:40Betty's got the hots for him.
05:43Past Eddie, the Raffia Mafia call him.
05:45Randy old sod.
05:47Now, if I could just have your full attention for a moment, please.
05:51What's on the menu today?
05:52Oh, Wednesday ferret droppings.
05:54Excuse me.
05:55Just a little bit of hush, please.
05:57Oh, you can't be, Betty.
05:58Excuse me.
06:00Oh, you can't be.
06:00Oh, you can't be.
06:01Oh, you can't be.
06:01Oh, you can't be.
06:02Oh, you can't be.
06:02Oh, you can't be.
06:07Oh, you can't be.
06:08Oh, you can't be.
06:18Oh, you can't be.
06:20No, it is not.
06:21There is no such machine, Basil.
06:24Precisely.
06:27It's a disgrace.
06:29It's a four-mile walk to the nearest chemist.
06:34And by the time you've been there and back,
06:36you can't remember what you went for.
06:40And the other party is probably dead anyway.
06:44Quiet!
06:46Yes, let the idiot have his say.
06:48Yes, let the idiot, I mean, have it, speak.
06:52Thank you, Jane.
06:53Now, I want to talk about, about honesty.
06:56Honesty? You? Don't be ridiculous.
06:59I want to talk about stealing.
07:02Oh, jolly good. Stealing. I went to Norway once.
07:05Oh, what's that got to do with anything?
07:06Nothing at all. I'm just telling you I went to Norway once.
07:09Thank you, Tom.
07:11Now, I'm sorry to report that some stealing has been going on here at Bayview.
07:15Very cold in Norway.
07:17Oh, for God's sake, shut up about Norway. What's been stolen, Halfwit?
07:20Well, a string of pearls, for starters.
07:22Don't worry, Harvey, you haven't got the complexion for pearls.
07:25Try some flashy gold medallions, they'd be very you.
07:28They weren't my pearls. They belong to Betty Hardcastle here.
07:32They came from my great-grandmother.
07:34Yes, and Betty's also reported stolen a brooch, a diamond ring and 15 crucifixes.
07:4015 crucifixes?
07:42Dear God, what did they get up to in there?
07:45As you can see, we're in the middle of a crime wave here.
07:48So what should I do, eh?
07:50Design!
07:50Design!
07:54Yes, it's very funny.
07:55Now, I'm going to give the guilty parties till the end of the week to put the things back.
07:59And no more will be said.
08:03Failing that, I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police.
08:06He is treating us like naughty children again.
08:09I'm going to slit his throat.
08:14Maybe I should get in touch with my old chum, Hercule Poirot.
08:18Unless he's still on that train.
08:20Don't be stupid, he's Belgian.
08:21What's wrong with a Belgian?
08:22You name me one famous Belgian.
08:27Well, that's true.
08:30Then there's Inspector Morse and that female detective, Jemima...
08:34Puddle Duck?
08:35That's the one.
08:37I don't think this is going to be solved by our ransacking popular literature, Tom.
08:41I think we're going to have to do this ourselves.
08:43Oh, what a wonderful idea.
08:45A bit of sleuthing.
08:48Pity we haven't got a body.
08:50It's always better when you have a body.
08:53Times of death, whiffs of cyanide, butlers.
08:56Tom.
08:57Yes?
08:57Shut up.
08:58We haven't even got a crime.
09:00Of course we have.
09:01That jewel job at Betty's place.
09:02No, don't be so daft.
09:04She just lost them.
09:05It's all that sex.
09:07What's that?
09:07The other woman is befuddled.
09:09Old hot rod Basil has obviously thrown some switch and Betty's gone rocketing off into
09:14some hormonal hyperspace.
09:16I expect you're right.
09:17The same thing happened with me and Greta Garbo.
09:20I unleashed such elemental forces within her.
09:22She couldn't cope with life after me.
09:24Became a recluse.
09:26It's tough when you have the power.
09:29Even in the dark caves of doddering senility, the masculine ego comes crawling out of the
09:35slime for one last feeble hurrah.
09:39What's your plan then?
09:40Well, we question Betty, retrace her steps and find the loot before that idiot Baines calls
09:47the local plod in and we all end up with false confessions, broken ribs, pulped kidneys, shattered
09:54teeth, gouged eyeballs and long lingering deaths in Broadmoor.
09:59Oh, such a cheery soul.
10:06Where was the jewel box, Betty?
10:08There, on the shelf.
10:10On the shelf.
10:17Well, it's not there now.
10:18Well, of course it's not there now.
10:20If it was there, we wouldn't be here.
10:21And are we here?
10:22Yes.
10:22Therefore, it is not there.
10:24Right.
10:24I rest my case.
10:26I wish to be elsewhere.
10:28So, we know that the box has been still.
10:30No, we know the box has gone missing.
10:35The concept of theft is mere speculation and surmise.
10:38So, what did it do?
10:39Evaporate?
10:40Oh, no, it may have been mislead.
10:42Well, it wasn't.
10:43Oh, of course it wasn't.
10:44How would you know, Basil?
10:45You hardly know which way is off unless it's lying down.
10:48All you ever want is sex, sex, sex.
10:51That's not true.
10:53Basil also likes tea and conversation.
10:56Slowing up, are you, Baz?
10:57Oh, well, I need the sugar.
10:59I'm not 65 anymore, you know.
11:01Another 15 years and I'm packing it in.
11:04Betty, what visitors have you had apart from Mr. Makismo here?
11:09Only Jane.
11:10Right, we'll check on her later.
11:13How about relatives?
11:14No, my relatives never come anymore.
11:17They don't understand about Basil and me.
11:20They don't think it's nice.
11:22I keep telling them it's very nice.
11:25But they don't think that's nice either.
11:27I got the same treatment from my lot
11:29when I moved Brigid Bardot into the box room.
11:32Thank you, Tom.
11:33Betty, any other visitors?
11:35Only you and Harvey Baines?
11:37Oh, Harvey Baines would hardly threaten himself with the police.
11:40He's not that stupid.
11:42Then again...
11:43It's all right, Tom.
11:44Oh, by the way, what's the time?
11:48Oh, why don't you go and lie down, Basil?
11:52Oh, have 20 minutes passed already.
11:55Oh, righty-ho.
11:57See you, Najib.
11:59What's going on?
12:01Well, don't let me keep you.
12:03I don't believe this.
12:05Betty, we are trying to find your jewels.
12:08Yes, well, you know what they say.
12:12Diamonds are forever,
12:13but Basil's only for about five minutes,
12:16and I don't want you to miss it.
12:20This place is falling apart.
12:22What are we going to do now?
12:24Round up the usual suspects.
12:36Why are you staring at me?
12:38You better come clean, young woman.
12:40I'm always clean.
12:43Tom, just leave this to me.
12:45Now, Jane, we are investigating the crime ripple
12:48that has disturbed the placid surface of our boring backwater.
12:52You what?
12:53It was the crucifixes, wasn't it?
12:56Tom?
12:56Admit it.
12:57You've always wanted to be a nun.
12:59You thought by collecting 15 crucifixes,
13:03you might get in for free.
13:07You might not be a butler, but you've done it.
13:11Pretty good, eh?
13:12Tom, Jane is not a suspect.
13:14Oh, thank goodness for that.
13:16Jane, we just want to know
13:17if you've noticed anything suspicious
13:18about Betty's behaviour lately.
13:20How do you mean?
13:21Well, we don't think the jewels were stolen.
13:23We think she just put them somewhere
13:24and then forgot about it.
13:25She's not usually absent-minded.
13:27She's not usually swinging from the rafters
13:29with a geriatric pistolero.
13:32Do you mean Basil?
13:33Precisely.
13:34Anyone who sees him as a pri-epic god
13:36has got to have their marbles seriously adrift.
13:39That could lead to all sorts of strange behaviour.
13:42Well, she's been buying him a lot of presents recently.
13:45Mostly humorous underwear.
13:48But also some silk shirts.
13:50Purple.
13:51They'd be expensive.
13:52Where did she get the cash?
13:54I don't know.
13:55She's not that wealthy.
13:57Thought as much.
13:58She's pawned them.
14:00How can we prove that?
14:01Well, follow-up.
14:02You mean, put a tail on her?
14:04Brilliant.
14:06Ha!
14:06I'm a master of disguise.
14:08Oh, dear God.
14:12Oh, dear God.
14:21Dad?
14:23Oh, Geoffrey.
14:25Mario.
14:26I told you it was him.
14:29I need to get out.
14:30What are you doing, Dad?
14:32Ah.
14:34I see you've had a left-handed gardener
14:38with a copper trowel
14:42wearing high-heeled shoes
14:44working at your place.
14:46I'll ring for an ambulance.
14:47Dad?
14:48I'm following a suspect.
14:49Must away before the opium wears off.
14:56In the good old days,
14:57they'd just bung them in an asylum.
14:59Not now.
15:00Oh, no.
15:02Now they're pushed out into the community
15:04and the high streets are crawling
15:06with old loopies.
15:08Do take a pill, dear.
15:09Hello, Geoffrey.
15:11Shouldn't you have your wife on a lead?
15:17This isn't a pawn shop.
15:19Just keep watching.
15:28Good grief.
15:29Did you see that?
15:30What?
15:34She's lifting the stuff.
15:46She's a master criminal.
15:48She's a daffy old duck.
15:50Come on.
16:00Oh, my God.
16:02She's been spotted.
16:03Quick, get after her.
16:04If she goes out the shop with that lot,
16:05she'll be nicked.
16:28Excuse me, sir.
16:30Oh, God.
16:32I could explain.
16:34Do you mind coming to the office with me, please?
16:36I don't.
16:37Why not?
16:40Oh, no, there's a dog.
16:43Somebody's just taken Dad away.
16:46Bloody good idea.
16:51Holmes, is that, sir?
16:52That's right.
16:53S. Holmes.
16:55Yes, as in Sherlock.
16:58We do always prosecute, sir.
17:00The police have been called.
17:02Will it be Mr. Dixon?
17:03Why don't you make it easy on yourself
17:05and give me the details?
17:06Name?
17:07Well, I don't know.
17:09I've never met you before.
17:11Your name, sir, not mine.
17:13What is yours?
17:15It's Fraser.
17:16Ben Fraser.
17:16Now, if I could have yours.
17:18Ben, are you all right?
17:20Hello, old thing.
17:21Yes, meet my new young friend, Ben Fraser.
17:23And who are you, sir?
17:23Ah, don't say a word, Tom.
17:25You're allowed to remain silent
17:26and you're allowed to make one phone call.
17:29Well, how can I make a phone call and remain silent?
17:31Just clam up.
17:33Leave it to me.
17:34Now, what is the charge?
17:37I don't do the charging, madam.
17:38I've called the police.
17:39They do the charging.
17:40So nothing's settled yet?
17:42Right.
17:42Well, you know that you've got the wrong person.
17:44Tom didn't mastermind this, this,
17:46this shrimp paste heist.
17:49He was framed.
17:50That's enough, Diana.
17:52I was not framed.
17:53But it was Betty.
17:54Enough.
17:56I am the guilty party.
17:58I take responsibility
17:59and am prepared to accept the full penalty of the law
18:03as meted out by the revolutionary tribunal.
18:06Tom.
18:07Tom, this is not a tale of two cities.
18:10This is not a far, far better thing you do now.
18:13This is a bloody daft thing you do now.
18:16I am a gentleman, Diana.
18:18You are a pillock, Tom.
18:21You can see he's daft as a brush.
18:23Just let him go and we'll be away from here.
18:25I'm sorry, madam.
18:26It's out of my hands now.
18:27Why?
18:28Go on.
18:28Tell me why.
18:29It's policy.
18:30Oh, policy.
18:32To persecute the elderly?
18:33To prosecute shoplifters.
18:36What did you do before you worked here?
18:39I was a student at the poly.
18:40Oh, you're very nice.
18:41Work and play hard, did you?
18:43Yes.
18:43Nobody tried to kill you?
18:44No.
18:45You were lucky, weren't you?
18:46When Tom was student age,
18:48people tried to kill him every day.
18:50He was in North Africa.
18:51Don't know whether you've heard of it.
18:53Dusty place, full of men and tanks,
18:55blasting the crap out of each other.
19:02Now, you see that scar?
19:05He got that from a nine-millimeter bullet
19:08whilst defending a set of ideals
19:10that would enable you to go to your damn poly
19:13and have a good life.
19:14And how do you thank him?
19:17By becoming some sort of automaton
19:19that does everything by the book
19:20because you are too young, too stupid,
19:22and too heartless
19:23to make a decent decision off your own bat.
19:26That's my appendix scar.
19:28Shut up.
19:30If you let people steal other people's property,
19:33where will it end?
19:34He didn't fight for people to go around thieving, did he?
19:36He's got a point, Diana.
19:38Just leave this to me, Tom.
19:40Ben.
19:42Ben.
19:44This is the first time Tom
19:46has ever done anything wrong in his entire life.
19:49He has never even crossed a street against a red light.
19:53But crime is not in his make-up.
19:56He is the most harmless, boring person in the whole world.
20:01That's not what Gene Harlow said.
20:04I robbed Wells Fargo for Gene Harlow.
20:07And he has but a tenuous grasp on reality.
20:10Now, one shock to that delicate system
20:12could send him stumbling back
20:14into an appalling world of B-movies
20:17from whence he might never return.
20:18He'll only get a fine.
20:20Yes, but he will have to go to court.
20:22Oh, I'd enjoy that.
20:25Irrelevant, immaterial, ridiculous, Your Honour.
20:27I demand that be struck from the record.
20:29The man is obviously a brutal killer.
20:33I rest my case.
20:35I'm sorry.
20:36But there can't be one law for the young
20:38and another for the old.
20:39That's true.
20:40You'd hate that, Diana.
20:41Age discrimination, be it in our favour or not.
20:44We can't be patronised.
20:47How about a large bribe?
20:49Sorry.
20:51Hello.
20:52Oh, shut up, Betty and Scarper.
20:54I've come to confess.
20:56Oh, quiet, Betty and Skedaddle.
20:58That's my bag.
20:59I did the stealing.
21:00Tom here was only trying to stop me.
21:02Nonsense!
21:04I'm the only master criminal round here.
21:07It's a fair cop, Gov.
21:10I can do my porridge.
21:12What's he all about?
21:13He thinks he's a member of the Lavender Hill mob.
21:16Don't listen to him.
21:18It was me.
21:19I'm always doing it.
21:21I don't realise until I get home.
21:24Sometimes I just can't get my thoughts together.
21:27See, Ben?
21:28Do you want to persecute this delicate human machine
21:31which is obviously on the blink?
21:33Dear God, you'll be arresting us for having colds next.
21:36I'm sorry, madam.
21:37I'm going to have to let the police sort this one out.
21:39What are you doing with my father?
21:41And which one's your father, sir?
21:42Well, then.
21:45Out of the three of us,
21:46which one do you think merits the title?
21:50Damned if I can work it out.
21:52Sorry, I'm getting a bit confused here.
21:54Who are you, sir?
21:55I'm his son.
21:56And I'm his wife.
21:57Is this your wife, sir?
21:58God forbid!
21:59That's his wife.
22:01Her hobbies are valium, gin and strangling tadpoles.
22:04I want to know what's going on.
22:06Your father's been apprehended shoplifting.
22:09Dad?
22:09Is this true?
22:11Afraid so, Geoffrey.
22:13I only did it so I could pay for your little sister's heart operation.
22:18What's wrong with her heart?
22:21I haven't got a little sister.
22:23That too.
22:24Does this mean he'll go to jail?
22:27Doubt it, madam.
22:28Pity.
22:28I want him released at once.
22:29I can't do that, sir.
22:31But he's an old man.
22:32We have already been through all that.
22:34I refuse to be released on the grounds of age.
22:37Jack the Ripper will be in his 140s by now.
22:40If they find it tomorrow,
22:42do you think he should be released because of his age?
22:44Certainly not.
22:48I demand my right to plead my case.
22:50I want the jury.
22:51And should the verdict of the people go against me,
22:54I shall face that last dawn.
22:56I shall walk that final corridor.
22:59I shall look the hangman in the eye like a man.
23:10Oh, here's Harvey now.
23:12He looks as if he's all right.
23:14Oh, what a pity.
23:15Oh, Jenny, it's a black, black day for Bayview.
23:20Very black.
23:21Oh, I didn't mean black as in the colour black.
23:25I mean black as in grey.
23:28Not that you're grey.
23:29I mean, um, it's a grey, grey day for Blackview.
23:34Bayview!
23:35Uh, oh, dear.
23:37Um, oh, Harvey, thank God you're back.
23:39Well, all I can say is it's a black day for Bayview.
23:43No, it isn't.
23:44I don't pay you to sit around, Jenny.
23:46Come on, get me some coffee.
23:47Oh, yes, I'm boss.
23:49Sure thing, Mr. Baines.
23:51I get the coffee, I get the limes and the coconuts.
23:54Lord, I'll be working on them railroads.
23:59Frats.
24:00What's the matter with her?
24:02Oh, never mind.
24:03How did you get on?
24:04Oh, when I got to the police station, the place was in uproar.
24:07Tom thought he was Mark Antony,
24:08the daughter-in-law was trying to get him a life sentence,
24:11and Diana had the death sergeant in a headlock.
24:13Do you think they'll be all right?
24:15Oh, I should think so.
24:15The police are a tough lot.
24:17No, I mean our people.
24:19Well, they're even tougher.
24:20I like to machine gun the lot of them.
24:22Oh, Harvey, that's not very caring.
24:24I care for my job, Jane.
24:27If the board hear that I've let half the residents
24:29get banged up in the local slammer,
24:30they just might begin to have the odd doubt about my competence.
24:33Oh, I'll stand by you, Harvey.
24:35Not that close, Jane.
24:36Sorry.
24:37Of course, Betty will have to go.
24:39Oh, Harvey, no.
24:40One cannot stay here if one has a criminal record.
24:43Harvey, let he who has no sin cast the first stone.
24:48What are you gibbering on about?
24:50Didn't you have a spot of legal trouble once?
24:54If you are referring to my little disagreement with the inland revenue
24:58over a couple of tiny, tiny figures...
25:01Zeroes, Harvey.
25:03Three of them.
25:05What exactly are you getting at?
25:07I'm sorry, but I feel I have to be your moral guide at the moment.
25:12I'd hate the board to hear of your little irregularities.
25:17I see.
25:19I see.
25:20Well, as it happens, I had already decided on a course of mercy
25:23and understanding towards Betty.
25:25Oh, Harvey, I knew you were a real Christian.
25:28Oh, I am, Jane.
25:30I am.
25:31The police are hopeless.
25:33They don't know how to do it at all these days.
25:35It was most disappointing.
25:37No fingerprinting, no mug shots, no lineups,
25:40and they were so pleasant and polite.
25:42What's wrong with that?
25:43Well, there should have been some brutality.
25:45I should have been stripped and thrown into a urine-stinking cell
25:48full of footpaths and cutthroats.
25:50All wanting to slit me gizzard in switchblade jewels.
25:55Guess they just don't watch the right movies.
25:58Well, I'll fix them tomorrow.
26:00What's that?
26:01The complete works of Pelly Mason.
26:03Oh, Tom, I wish you'd just get a barrister to plead guilty on your behalf.
26:08That way you wouldn't have to go to court.
26:09Just pay a small fine.
26:10That's not like you, Diana.
26:12You like a good fight.
26:13Yes, when I'm doing the fighting.
26:15I just know that if you conduct your own defence,
26:17you'll end up getting 90 years.
26:19And then what will you do?
26:20The same as I always do.
26:22Get hold of Dickie and Johnny and tunnel out.
26:28As I am not only the defendant,
26:30but also my defending counsel,
26:31what do you think I should wear?
26:33How about wig, gown and ankle chains?
26:36You're not taking this seriously, Diana.
26:38All right.
26:38Get yourself a sign saying,
26:40Have mercy, I'm a loony.
26:44I thought I should wear my dark grey.
26:48That'll stun them.
26:50Do you think they'll notice a lack of buttons?
26:51Only if you attempt to do them up.
26:55I'd better go and sew them back on.
26:57Uh-uh-uh-uh.
26:57Give it to me.
26:59Oh, I couldn't do that.
26:59That would be sexist.
27:01If you recall, Tom,
27:02the last time you attempted to sew buttons on your trousers,
27:05we spent three hours at the hospital
27:07and you were offered serious counselling by the local rabbi.
27:12I shall go and get my sewing box.
27:14You lost your sewing box.
27:17I borrowed Betty's.
27:18You borrowed Betty's?
27:22You borrowed Betty's?
27:24Diana!
27:29Ah, silly old bat!
27:34I can't believe they went ahead with the prosecution.
27:38We live in a stupid and ignorant society, Jane.
27:41No-one is capable of moral decisions,
27:43so they have to make laws that preclude the necessity of thinking for themselves.
27:48Without laws, there would be anarchy.
27:51What's wrong with anarchy?
27:52If you haven't tried it, don't knock it.
27:55Oh, my God.
27:56Here comes our own little sexual anarchist.
27:59Morning, Basil.
28:00The voting shirt.
28:02Jury's still out.
28:03Yes, the judge has retired to his chambers.
28:05Tom's speech from the dock gave him a migraine.
28:09Who's Betty?
28:10She'll look at his gavel.
28:12Ah, here they come!
28:19How are you, old stick?
28:21Pretty pissed off, actually.
28:25So, what did you get?
28:27I got off on the shoplifting charge.
28:29Well done.
28:31But they fined me £50 for contempt of court.
28:35Well done.
28:37Bloody marvellous.
28:38Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
28:40Ha, ha, ha, ha.
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