- 5 weeks ago
1990 SITCOM "Resident Betty claims that her sewing basket has gone missing and Tom and Diana decide to investigate. Not fully believing Betty's story, they follow her, and Tom intervenes when they see her apparently shoplifting. Tom is arrested and conducts his own court case; " IMDB Starring Stephanie Cole, Graham Crowden, Daniel Hill, Janine Duvitski, Andrew Tourell, Sandra Payne
Category
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TVTranscript
00:21Piano music
00:41Look, please, Diana.
00:43Well, are you going to make your move?
00:44Or have I got time to bash out a quick novel?
00:47I'm thinking.
00:48Yes, I know.
00:49I can hear the terrible crunching of long, rusted gears
00:52and the tired creaking of a machine in pain.
00:55Very poetic.
00:57Oh, God.
01:00If I should die, think only this of me.
01:04I played Tom Ballard chess while busting for a pee.
01:09Well, go, then.
01:10I don't want to go.
01:11I'm just trying to stop my brain from totally atrophying
01:13while you make your next move.
01:15Ah.
01:18No.
01:19Oh, God, strike him down.
01:21Come on, God, right now.
01:22Puff, frizzle, pile of dust.
01:24You don't believe in God?
01:25I'm getting desperate.
01:27What's the hurry?
01:28At my back, I always hear
01:30Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
01:33Andrew Marvel.
01:35Was he related to Captain Marvel?
01:37You just make your move, or I'll hide your teeth again.
01:41I'm just about to.
01:43Keep your knickers in the untwisted position.
01:48Checkmate.
01:49What?
01:50Checkmate.
01:51You can't do that.
01:53I just did.
01:59You can't do that.
02:00I just did.
02:01But that's draft.
02:02We're playing chess.
02:03I changed the game.
02:05You lost, Diana.
02:07Diana, why don't you accept the fact that you are outmaneuvered by a vastly superior mind?
02:12What is our overall score in games?
02:17Can't remember.
02:18Diana, 408.
02:20Tom, 2.
02:22You are a really nasty loser.
02:25You show me a nice loser, and I'll show you a wet, weedy wimp.
02:28Oh, yes.
02:29Yes, yes.
02:30The weakest goes to the wall.
02:32Stand back.
02:33Here comes Diana in her chariot.
02:35To be gracious in defeat means that you are a person of nobility and sensitivity.
02:41It means that you are a loser.
02:43You lost, Diana.
02:45You lose everything these days.
02:46What do you mean?
02:47Well, where are your car keys?
02:50Oh.
02:52What do you mean, my car keys?
02:53I haven't got a car.
02:55Lost that too, have you?
02:56You lose everything these days.
02:57I do not.
02:59What about your croaky mallet?
03:00It was stolen.
03:01And your last four walking sticks?
03:03All stolen.
03:04Oh, yes, yes, yes, I'm sure.
03:06Hot walking sticks are big business round here.
03:08I expect they whip them off down a back alley, strip them down, change the serial numbers and flog them
03:14in Italy.
03:16What point are you trying to make?
03:18The point I'm trying to make is that you are getting absent-minded.
03:22The feeble fingers of senility are tugging at your gun.
03:25Oh, dear God, I am not getting absent-minded.
03:28Well, yesterday we went to Ray Wood's funeral.
03:31Who wore brightest yellow and asked which side the bride's family was sitting?
03:38Sometimes I just get a bit preoccupied.
03:40It's because my brain is still working at full speed and my body takes a couple of days to catch
03:44up.
03:44Well, I'm not inviting you to my funeral.
03:47A cranky canary hopping all over my coffin.
03:50Hello, Ray.
03:52Goodbye.
03:54Morning.
03:56Diana, here's your walking stick.
03:58You left it in Betty Hardcastle's place.
04:01Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
04:02And how are we today?
04:04I'm dead.
04:04Me too.
04:05Jolly good.
04:06I want to see you've been playing that thingy.
04:09I could never get the hang of that myself.
04:11I always seem to get Mrs. Purple doing it in the drawing room with a candlestick.
04:18Jane, what do you want?
04:19I can't believe you just came here to flaunt your appalling ignorance.
04:22Just checking.
04:23You were coming in to lunch today.
04:25Oh, certainly am.
04:26Certainly am.
04:26Don't intend starving to death.
04:28Far prefer to be poisoned.
04:29Harvey wants to talk to everyone.
04:31He has a matter of great importance to discuss.
04:34What?
04:35I'm afraid it's a black day for Bayview.
04:39Please be there.
04:42What is our beloved Fuhrer up to this time?
04:46Probably wants to cut the food rations.
04:48Double the guards.
04:50Bring in more dogs.
04:51It's definitely time to break out and head for Switzerland.
04:53Oh, no, not now, Tom.
04:55Dickie, Johnny, Ginger, Nobby, get the escape committee together.
05:00We're telling you...
05:02Not cold it's again.
05:05All that bloody sand down his trousers.
05:10They want to know what it's all about.
05:12Don't you worry.
05:13I will shortly reveal all.
05:14That should give him a good laugh.
05:19Ah, Betty.
05:21Why did you steal my stick?
05:23Oh, Diana, I never did such a thing.
05:25Well, it was found in your place.
05:26You left it there when you came to tea.
05:29I did not.
05:29You did, too.
05:31I was there.
05:31Basil, when I want your opinion, I'll pull your chain.
05:35Don't you be mean to Betty.
05:37Thank you, Basil.
05:39Basil's at it again.
05:40Betty's got the hots for him.
05:43Past Eddie, the Raffia Mafia call him.
05:45Randy old sod.
05:47Now, if I could just have your full attention for a moment, please.
05:51What's on the menu today?
05:52Oh, Wednesday ferret droppings.
05:54Excuse me.
05:55Just a little bit of hush, please.
05:57Oh, you can't be, Betty.
05:58Excuse me.
06:00Oh, you can't be.
06:00Oh, you can't be.
06:01Oh, you can't be.
06:01Oh, you can't be.
06:02Oh, you can't be.
06:02Oh, you can't be.
06:07Oh, you can't be.
06:08Oh, you can't be.
06:18Oh, you can't be.
06:20No, it is not.
06:21There is no such machine, Basil.
06:24Precisely.
06:27It's a disgrace.
06:29It's a four-mile walk to the nearest chemist.
06:34And by the time you've been there and back,
06:36you can't remember what you went for.
06:40And the other party is probably dead anyway.
06:44Quiet!
06:46Yes, let the idiot have his say.
06:48Yes, let the idiot, I mean, have it, speak.
06:52Thank you, Jane.
06:53Now, I want to talk about, about honesty.
06:56Honesty? You? Don't be ridiculous.
06:59I want to talk about stealing.
07:02Oh, jolly good. Stealing. I went to Norway once.
07:05Oh, what's that got to do with anything?
07:06Nothing at all. I'm just telling you I went to Norway once.
07:09Thank you, Tom.
07:11Now, I'm sorry to report that some stealing has been going on here at Bayview.
07:15Very cold in Norway.
07:17Oh, for God's sake, shut up about Norway. What's been stolen, Halfwit?
07:20Well, a string of pearls, for starters.
07:22Don't worry, Harvey, you haven't got the complexion for pearls.
07:25Try some flashy gold medallions, they'd be very you.
07:28They weren't my pearls. They belong to Betty Hardcastle here.
07:32They came from my great-grandmother.
07:34Yes, and Betty's also reported stolen a brooch, a diamond ring and 15 crucifixes.
07:4015 crucifixes?
07:42Dear God, what did they get up to in there?
07:45As you can see, we're in the middle of a crime wave here.
07:48So what should I do, eh?
07:50Design!
07:50Design!
07:54Yes, it's very funny.
07:55Now, I'm going to give the guilty parties till the end of the week to put the things back.
07:59And no more will be said.
08:03Failing that, I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police.
08:06He is treating us like naughty children again.
08:09I'm going to slit his throat.
08:14Maybe I should get in touch with my old chum, Hercule Poirot.
08:18Unless he's still on that train.
08:20Don't be stupid, he's Belgian.
08:21What's wrong with a Belgian?
08:22You name me one famous Belgian.
08:27Well, that's true.
08:30Then there's Inspector Morse and that female detective, Jemima...
08:34Puddle Duck?
08:35That's the one.
08:37I don't think this is going to be solved by our ransacking popular literature, Tom.
08:41I think we're going to have to do this ourselves.
08:43Oh, what a wonderful idea.
08:45A bit of sleuthing.
08:48Pity we haven't got a body.
08:50It's always better when you have a body.
08:53Times of death, whiffs of cyanide, butlers.
08:56Tom.
08:57Yes?
08:57Shut up.
08:58We haven't even got a crime.
09:00Of course we have.
09:01That jewel job at Betty's place.
09:02No, don't be so daft.
09:04She just lost them.
09:05It's all that sex.
09:07What's that?
09:07The other woman is befuddled.
09:09Old hot rod Basil has obviously thrown some switch and Betty's gone rocketing off into
09:14some hormonal hyperspace.
09:16I expect you're right.
09:17The same thing happened with me and Greta Garbo.
09:20I unleashed such elemental forces within her.
09:22She couldn't cope with life after me.
09:24Became a recluse.
09:26It's tough when you have the power.
09:29Even in the dark caves of doddering senility, the masculine ego comes crawling out of the
09:35slime for one last feeble hurrah.
09:39What's your plan then?
09:40Well, we question Betty, retrace her steps and find the loot before that idiot Baines calls
09:47the local plod in and we all end up with false confessions, broken ribs, pulped kidneys, shattered
09:54teeth, gouged eyeballs and long lingering deaths in Broadmoor.
09:59Oh, such a cheery soul.
10:06Where was the jewel box, Betty?
10:08There, on the shelf.
10:10On the shelf.
10:17Well, it's not there now.
10:18Well, of course it's not there now.
10:20If it was there, we wouldn't be here.
10:21And are we here?
10:22Yes.
10:22Therefore, it is not there.
10:24Right.
10:24I rest my case.
10:26I wish to be elsewhere.
10:28So, we know that the box has been still.
10:30No, we know the box has gone missing.
10:35The concept of theft is mere speculation and surmise.
10:38So, what did it do?
10:39Evaporate?
10:40Oh, no, it may have been mislead.
10:42Well, it wasn't.
10:43Oh, of course it wasn't.
10:44How would you know, Basil?
10:45You hardly know which way is off unless it's lying down.
10:48All you ever want is sex, sex, sex.
10:51That's not true.
10:53Basil also likes tea and conversation.
10:56Slowing up, are you, Baz?
10:57Oh, well, I need the sugar.
10:59I'm not 65 anymore, you know.
11:01Another 15 years and I'm packing it in.
11:04Betty, what visitors have you had apart from Mr. Makismo here?
11:09Only Jane.
11:10Right, we'll check on her later.
11:13How about relatives?
11:14No, my relatives never come anymore.
11:17They don't understand about Basil and me.
11:20They don't think it's nice.
11:22I keep telling them it's very nice.
11:25But they don't think that's nice either.
11:27I got the same treatment from my lot
11:29when I moved Brigid Bardot into the box room.
11:32Thank you, Tom.
11:33Betty, any other visitors?
11:35Only you and Harvey Baines?
11:37Oh, Harvey Baines would hardly threaten himself with the police.
11:40He's not that stupid.
11:42Then again...
11:43It's all right, Tom.
11:44Oh, by the way, what's the time?
11:48Oh, why don't you go and lie down, Basil?
11:52Oh, have 20 minutes passed already.
11:55Oh, righty-ho.
11:57See you, Najib.
11:59What's going on?
12:01Well, don't let me keep you.
12:03I don't believe this.
12:05Betty, we are trying to find your jewels.
12:08Yes, well, you know what they say.
12:12Diamonds are forever,
12:13but Basil's only for about five minutes,
12:16and I don't want you to miss it.
12:20This place is falling apart.
12:22What are we going to do now?
12:24Round up the usual suspects.
12:36Why are you staring at me?
12:38You better come clean, young woman.
12:40I'm always clean.
12:43Tom, just leave this to me.
12:45Now, Jane, we are investigating the crime ripple
12:48that has disturbed the placid surface of our boring backwater.
12:52You what?
12:53It was the crucifixes, wasn't it?
12:56Tom?
12:56Admit it.
12:57You've always wanted to be a nun.
12:59You thought by collecting 15 crucifixes,
13:03you might get in for free.
13:07You might not be a butler, but you've done it.
13:11Pretty good, eh?
13:12Tom, Jane is not a suspect.
13:14Oh, thank goodness for that.
13:16Jane, we just want to know
13:17if you've noticed anything suspicious
13:18about Betty's behaviour lately.
13:20How do you mean?
13:21Well, we don't think the jewels were stolen.
13:23We think she just put them somewhere
13:24and then forgot about it.
13:25She's not usually absent-minded.
13:27She's not usually swinging from the rafters
13:29with a geriatric pistolero.
13:32Do you mean Basil?
13:33Precisely.
13:34Anyone who sees him as a pri-epic god
13:36has got to have their marbles seriously adrift.
13:39That could lead to all sorts of strange behaviour.
13:42Well, she's been buying him a lot of presents recently.
13:45Mostly humorous underwear.
13:48But also some silk shirts.
13:50Purple.
13:51They'd be expensive.
13:52Where did she get the cash?
13:54I don't know.
13:55She's not that wealthy.
13:57Thought as much.
13:58She's pawned them.
14:00How can we prove that?
14:01Well, follow-up.
14:02You mean, put a tail on her?
14:04Brilliant.
14:06Ha!
14:06I'm a master of disguise.
14:08Oh, dear God.
14:12Oh, dear God.
14:21Dad?
14:23Oh, Geoffrey.
14:25Mario.
14:26I told you it was him.
14:29I need to get out.
14:30What are you doing, Dad?
14:32Ah.
14:34I see you've had a left-handed gardener
14:38with a copper trowel
14:42wearing high-heeled shoes
14:44working at your place.
14:46I'll ring for an ambulance.
14:47Dad?
14:48I'm following a suspect.
14:49Must away before the opium wears off.
14:56In the good old days,
14:57they'd just bung them in an asylum.
14:59Not now.
15:00Oh, no.
15:02Now they're pushed out into the community
15:04and the high streets are crawling
15:06with old loopies.
15:08Do take a pill, dear.
15:09Hello, Geoffrey.
15:11Shouldn't you have your wife on a lead?
15:17This isn't a pawn shop.
15:19Just keep watching.
15:28Good grief.
15:29Did you see that?
15:30What?
15:34She's lifting the stuff.
15:46She's a master criminal.
15:48She's a daffy old duck.
15:50Come on.
16:00Oh, my God.
16:02She's been spotted.
16:03Quick, get after her.
16:04If she goes out the shop with that lot,
16:05she'll be nicked.
16:28Excuse me, sir.
16:30Oh, God.
16:32I could explain.
16:34Do you mind coming to the office with me, please?
16:36I don't.
16:37Why not?
16:40Oh, no, there's a dog.
16:43Somebody's just taken Dad away.
16:46Bloody good idea.
16:51Holmes, is that, sir?
16:52That's right.
16:53S. Holmes.
16:55Yes, as in Sherlock.
16:58We do always prosecute, sir.
17:00The police have been called.
17:02Will it be Mr. Dixon?
17:03Why don't you make it easy on yourself
17:05and give me the details?
17:06Name?
17:07Well, I don't know.
17:09I've never met you before.
17:11Your name, sir, not mine.
17:13What is yours?
17:15It's Fraser.
17:16Ben Fraser.
17:16Now, if I could have yours.
17:18Ben, are you all right?
17:20Hello, old thing.
17:21Yes, meet my new young friend, Ben Fraser.
17:23And who are you, sir?
17:23Ah, don't say a word, Tom.
17:25You're allowed to remain silent
17:26and you're allowed to make one phone call.
17:29Well, how can I make a phone call and remain silent?
17:31Just clam up.
17:33Leave it to me.
17:34Now, what is the charge?
17:37I don't do the charging, madam.
17:38I've called the police.
17:39They do the charging.
17:40So nothing's settled yet?
17:42Right.
17:42Well, you know that you've got the wrong person.
17:44Tom didn't mastermind this, this,
17:46this shrimp paste heist.
17:49He was framed.
17:50That's enough, Diana.
17:52I was not framed.
17:53But it was Betty.
17:54Enough.
17:56I am the guilty party.
17:58I take responsibility
17:59and am prepared to accept the full penalty of the law
18:03as meted out by the revolutionary tribunal.
18:06Tom.
18:07Tom, this is not a tale of two cities.
18:10This is not a far, far better thing you do now.
18:13This is a bloody daft thing you do now.
18:16I am a gentleman, Diana.
18:18You are a pillock, Tom.
18:21You can see he's daft as a brush.
18:23Just let him go and we'll be away from here.
18:25I'm sorry, madam.
18:26It's out of my hands now.
18:27Why?
18:28Go on.
18:28Tell me why.
18:29It's policy.
18:30Oh, policy.
18:32To persecute the elderly?
18:33To prosecute shoplifters.
18:36What did you do before you worked here?
18:39I was a student at the poly.
18:40Oh, you're very nice.
18:41Work and play hard, did you?
18:43Yes.
18:43Nobody tried to kill you?
18:44No.
18:45You were lucky, weren't you?
18:46When Tom was student age,
18:48people tried to kill him every day.
18:50He was in North Africa.
18:51Don't know whether you've heard of it.
18:53Dusty place, full of men and tanks,
18:55blasting the crap out of each other.
19:02Now, you see that scar?
19:05He got that from a nine-millimeter bullet
19:08whilst defending a set of ideals
19:10that would enable you to go to your damn poly
19:13and have a good life.
19:14And how do you thank him?
19:17By becoming some sort of automaton
19:19that does everything by the book
19:20because you are too young, too stupid,
19:22and too heartless
19:23to make a decent decision off your own bat.
19:26That's my appendix scar.
19:28Shut up.
19:30If you let people steal other people's property,
19:33where will it end?
19:34He didn't fight for people to go around thieving, did he?
19:36He's got a point, Diana.
19:38Just leave this to me, Tom.
19:40Ben.
19:42Ben.
19:44This is the first time Tom
19:46has ever done anything wrong in his entire life.
19:49He has never even crossed a street against a red light.
19:53But crime is not in his make-up.
19:56He is the most harmless, boring person in the whole world.
20:01That's not what Gene Harlow said.
20:04I robbed Wells Fargo for Gene Harlow.
20:07And he has but a tenuous grasp on reality.
20:10Now, one shock to that delicate system
20:12could send him stumbling back
20:14into an appalling world of B-movies
20:17from whence he might never return.
20:18He'll only get a fine.
20:20Yes, but he will have to go to court.
20:22Oh, I'd enjoy that.
20:25Irrelevant, immaterial, ridiculous, Your Honour.
20:27I demand that be struck from the record.
20:29The man is obviously a brutal killer.
20:33I rest my case.
20:35I'm sorry.
20:36But there can't be one law for the young
20:38and another for the old.
20:39That's true.
20:40You'd hate that, Diana.
20:41Age discrimination, be it in our favour or not.
20:44We can't be patronised.
20:47How about a large bribe?
20:49Sorry.
20:51Hello.
20:52Oh, shut up, Betty and Scarper.
20:54I've come to confess.
20:56Oh, quiet, Betty and Skedaddle.
20:58That's my bag.
20:59I did the stealing.
21:00Tom here was only trying to stop me.
21:02Nonsense!
21:04I'm the only master criminal round here.
21:07It's a fair cop, Gov.
21:10I can do my porridge.
21:12What's he all about?
21:13He thinks he's a member of the Lavender Hill mob.
21:16Don't listen to him.
21:18It was me.
21:19I'm always doing it.
21:21I don't realise until I get home.
21:24Sometimes I just can't get my thoughts together.
21:27See, Ben?
21:28Do you want to persecute this delicate human machine
21:31which is obviously on the blink?
21:33Dear God, you'll be arresting us for having colds next.
21:36I'm sorry, madam.
21:37I'm going to have to let the police sort this one out.
21:39What are you doing with my father?
21:41And which one's your father, sir?
21:42Well, then.
21:45Out of the three of us,
21:46which one do you think merits the title?
21:50Damned if I can work it out.
21:52Sorry, I'm getting a bit confused here.
21:54Who are you, sir?
21:55I'm his son.
21:56And I'm his wife.
21:57Is this your wife, sir?
21:58God forbid!
21:59That's his wife.
22:01Her hobbies are valium, gin and strangling tadpoles.
22:04I want to know what's going on.
22:06Your father's been apprehended shoplifting.
22:09Dad?
22:09Is this true?
22:11Afraid so, Geoffrey.
22:13I only did it so I could pay for your little sister's heart operation.
22:18What's wrong with her heart?
22:21I haven't got a little sister.
22:23That too.
22:24Does this mean he'll go to jail?
22:27Doubt it, madam.
22:28Pity.
22:28I want him released at once.
22:29I can't do that, sir.
22:31But he's an old man.
22:32We have already been through all that.
22:34I refuse to be released on the grounds of age.
22:37Jack the Ripper will be in his 140s by now.
22:40If they find it tomorrow,
22:42do you think he should be released because of his age?
22:44Certainly not.
22:48I demand my right to plead my case.
22:50I want the jury.
22:51And should the verdict of the people go against me,
22:54I shall face that last dawn.
22:56I shall walk that final corridor.
22:59I shall look the hangman in the eye like a man.
23:10Oh, here's Harvey now.
23:12He looks as if he's all right.
23:14Oh, what a pity.
23:15Oh, Jenny, it's a black, black day for Bayview.
23:20Very black.
23:21Oh, I didn't mean black as in the colour black.
23:25I mean black as in grey.
23:28Not that you're grey.
23:29I mean, um, it's a grey, grey day for Blackview.
23:34Bayview!
23:35Uh, oh, dear.
23:37Um, oh, Harvey, thank God you're back.
23:39Well, all I can say is it's a black day for Bayview.
23:43No, it isn't.
23:44I don't pay you to sit around, Jenny.
23:46Come on, get me some coffee.
23:47Oh, yes, I'm boss.
23:49Sure thing, Mr. Baines.
23:51I get the coffee, I get the limes and the coconuts.
23:54Lord, I'll be working on them railroads.
23:59Frats.
24:00What's the matter with her?
24:02Oh, never mind.
24:03How did you get on?
24:04Oh, when I got to the police station, the place was in uproar.
24:07Tom thought he was Mark Antony,
24:08the daughter-in-law was trying to get him a life sentence,
24:11and Diana had the death sergeant in a headlock.
24:13Do you think they'll be all right?
24:15Oh, I should think so.
24:15The police are a tough lot.
24:17No, I mean our people.
24:19Well, they're even tougher.
24:20I like to machine gun the lot of them.
24:22Oh, Harvey, that's not very caring.
24:24I care for my job, Jane.
24:27If the board hear that I've let half the residents
24:29get banged up in the local slammer,
24:30they just might begin to have the odd doubt about my competence.
24:33Oh, I'll stand by you, Harvey.
24:35Not that close, Jane.
24:36Sorry.
24:37Of course, Betty will have to go.
24:39Oh, Harvey, no.
24:40One cannot stay here if one has a criminal record.
24:43Harvey, let he who has no sin cast the first stone.
24:48What are you gibbering on about?
24:50Didn't you have a spot of legal trouble once?
24:54If you are referring to my little disagreement with the inland revenue
24:58over a couple of tiny, tiny figures...
25:01Zeroes, Harvey.
25:03Three of them.
25:05What exactly are you getting at?
25:07I'm sorry, but I feel I have to be your moral guide at the moment.
25:12I'd hate the board to hear of your little irregularities.
25:17I see.
25:19I see.
25:20Well, as it happens, I had already decided on a course of mercy
25:23and understanding towards Betty.
25:25Oh, Harvey, I knew you were a real Christian.
25:28Oh, I am, Jane.
25:30I am.
25:31The police are hopeless.
25:33They don't know how to do it at all these days.
25:35It was most disappointing.
25:37No fingerprinting, no mug shots, no lineups,
25:40and they were so pleasant and polite.
25:42What's wrong with that?
25:43Well, there should have been some brutality.
25:45I should have been stripped and thrown into a urine-stinking cell
25:48full of footpaths and cutthroats.
25:50All wanting to slit me gizzard in switchblade jewels.
25:55Guess they just don't watch the right movies.
25:58Well, I'll fix them tomorrow.
26:00What's that?
26:01The complete works of Pelly Mason.
26:03Oh, Tom, I wish you'd just get a barrister to plead guilty on your behalf.
26:08That way you wouldn't have to go to court.
26:09Just pay a small fine.
26:10That's not like you, Diana.
26:12You like a good fight.
26:13Yes, when I'm doing the fighting.
26:15I just know that if you conduct your own defence,
26:17you'll end up getting 90 years.
26:19And then what will you do?
26:20The same as I always do.
26:22Get hold of Dickie and Johnny and tunnel out.
26:28As I am not only the defendant,
26:30but also my defending counsel,
26:31what do you think I should wear?
26:33How about wig, gown and ankle chains?
26:36You're not taking this seriously, Diana.
26:38All right.
26:38Get yourself a sign saying,
26:40Have mercy, I'm a loony.
26:44I thought I should wear my dark grey.
26:48That'll stun them.
26:50Do you think they'll notice a lack of buttons?
26:51Only if you attempt to do them up.
26:55I'd better go and sew them back on.
26:57Uh-uh-uh-uh.
26:57Give it to me.
26:59Oh, I couldn't do that.
26:59That would be sexist.
27:01If you recall, Tom,
27:02the last time you attempted to sew buttons on your trousers,
27:05we spent three hours at the hospital
27:07and you were offered serious counselling by the local rabbi.
27:12I shall go and get my sewing box.
27:14You lost your sewing box.
27:17I borrowed Betty's.
27:18You borrowed Betty's?
27:22You borrowed Betty's?
27:24Diana!
27:29Ah, silly old bat!
27:34I can't believe they went ahead with the prosecution.
27:38We live in a stupid and ignorant society, Jane.
27:41No-one is capable of moral decisions,
27:43so they have to make laws that preclude the necessity of thinking for themselves.
27:48Without laws, there would be anarchy.
27:51What's wrong with anarchy?
27:52If you haven't tried it, don't knock it.
27:55Oh, my God.
27:56Here comes our own little sexual anarchist.
27:59Morning, Basil.
28:00The voting shirt.
28:02Jury's still out.
28:03Yes, the judge has retired to his chambers.
28:05Tom's speech from the dock gave him a migraine.
28:09Who's Betty?
28:10She'll look at his gavel.
28:12Ah, here they come!
28:19How are you, old stick?
28:21Pretty pissed off, actually.
28:25So, what did you get?
28:27I got off on the shoplifting charge.
28:29Well done.
28:31But they fined me £50 for contempt of court.
28:35Well done.
28:37Bloody marvellous.
28:38Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
28:40Ha, ha, ha, ha.
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