- 4 weeks ago
2006 SITCOM "Sal Vine is married to the local doctor in the Devon village of Clatterford and works as his practice nurse. When her husband suddenly drops dead her son comes in to replace him and, to Sal's disappointment, wants his dumb wife to take her job, even though she is clearly too faint-hearted to stomach injuries. " IMDB Starring Sue Johnston, Dawn French, Jennifer Saunders, Joanna Lumley, Maggie Steed, Doreen Mantle, Patrick Barlow, Pauline McLynn, Sally Phillips, David Mitchell
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TVTranscript
00:06We are the Village Green Preservation Society
00:11God save Donald Duck, Bauderville and Variety
00:16We are the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society
00:20God save Strawberry Jam and all the different varieties
00:25Preserving the old ways from being abused
00:31Protecting the new ways for me and for you
00:35What more can we do?
00:49Hi, Demaila. What?
00:51It's Sal. Love the new trainers. They're the cats meow.
01:09Hi, Queenie.
01:10Oh, hi, Sal.
01:19I don't... I just think...
01:20Are you sure you don't want any more Kneeler covers?
01:22The Ladies Guild are very keen.
01:24No. What are these?
01:26At this meeting I could, at this late stage, agenda it.
01:28What are these?
01:30What are they?
01:32You don't know?
01:33Oh, they're...
01:35They're hymn book covers.
01:36But we...
01:37Or candle mats or...
01:40Oh, why?
01:41What?
01:44What is that?
01:47Web of God.
01:49Mrs. Ottery and Jan Pike.
01:52We're both dead now, so...
01:54Could come down.
01:55Could have a new wall hung in.
01:56No.
02:00Eileen?
02:01Eileen?
02:02Vicar?
02:05Off to the meeting, Eileen?
02:07Yes.
02:07Yes.
02:08Will we see you?
02:09I'll pop in, just to give out the prescriptions.
02:12Oh, we do need new blood.
02:15In fact, the membership have asked me to approach you.
02:18But I know you're very busy.
02:21I just don't think it's really my scene.
02:25Well, it's not all German Jerusalem, as they say.
02:29But not your scene.
02:32Fine.
02:34Oh, that new wall hanging looks totally...
02:39Insane.
02:40Here, patch up before baby Jesus hears you.
02:48Yes, I can fit you in on Wednesday morning.
02:50Now, what's the problem?
02:52No, I'm not a doctor, but you may as well tell me now,
02:54because I'm going to know anyway.
02:55I have access, if you know what I mean.
02:57Esther Pippo, right.
02:59That'd be under a C for cystitis.
03:02It was cystitis you came into us last for, wasn't it?
03:06Yes, I am the old boy.
03:09Now!
03:12Ah.
03:15Hello.
03:16How are you?
03:17Oh, I'm fine, thank you.
03:18Filled a little bottle for you.
03:20Oh, gosh, you've filled it up to the top.
03:22Oh, couldn't stop.
03:23Needed a bigger bottle, really.
03:31There you go.
03:33Got the wrong bloody notes.
03:35Is that not the man with the polyps?
03:37Oh, I love that word, polyp.
03:39No!
03:40Oh, hello.
03:42Is it itchy anus?
03:44Is it an itchy anus?
03:45Can you close the door?
03:47I'm seeing a patient.
03:50No, you're not.
03:52PHONE RINGS
03:56Hi.
03:58Hi.
03:59Hi.
04:00Hello, gorgeous.
04:05Hi, Dad.
04:08Dad?
04:10Hi.
04:22Mum, can you look after Rafe tomorrow morning, because I've got poi class that I, like, have
04:26to do, thanks, have we been booked for the chill-out tent, with the big green?
04:29Oh.
04:30I'm still looking for a first aider, if you want to come.
04:32No, I don't, I don't think so, dear.
04:34I don't mind the small festivals, you know, when it's just a bit of rescue cream on a roach
04:39burn, or a hug, when someone has a whitey after a bit of Moroccan skunk.
04:45Mum, don't bring that up again.
04:46I told you, it was not the skunk.
04:48Oh.
04:48The skunk was good.
04:50Rufus gave me the skunk.
04:52I was sick because of the jackety-potatoey-cheesy-beansy thing that I ate.
04:57Anyway, go down to the hall, take these prescriptions down to the guild.
05:02Patients come to the surgery.
05:05It's not a delivery service.
05:06They don't come anymore because you've frightened them all off.
05:10Oh, look, I got my new phlebotomy on today.
05:13I'm going to take it down to the meeting, show the ladies.
05:15If I'm allowed to shoot up, do us all a favour.
05:20Hey, Ruf.
05:21I'm going to be the new village blood letter.
05:24Whee!
05:24Village vampire.
05:26Anything you will be trained in.
05:29Shut up.
05:30The last time you went on a course was 1972.
05:33There isn't a course of what I do well, Mike, which is giving a shit.
05:38Surgery?
05:40Oh, that's nasty, yeah.
05:43Yeah, you see, that's a suppository, not a pessary.
05:46You put it in the wrong bit.
05:48Are you going to the guild meeting?
05:50What?
05:51The meeting?
05:53You'll have to tell me who you are.
05:55I can't turn my neck.
05:57It's Queenie.
05:58I was going to buy a tomato.
06:00Goodbye.
06:02How many chairs?
06:04Oh, me, Queenie Caroline, Rosie Susie, Delilah if she makes it, Sal and Tip, but they won't
06:13stay and Hazel, Dory, Mo and Mary.
06:18Hello.
06:19I'm afraid I've got this one with me today because I can't do everything.
06:22No, I'm fine.
06:24Annie Stanford.
06:25Oh, no, her mobility scooter was sideswiped by the log lorry coming out of the lamb and flag.
06:32Her family have got her.
06:33I'll have to stay here, darling.
06:34Probably for the best.
06:36Oh, sit down.
06:42Do your homework.
06:44Now, I have some hundreds and thousands here somewhere, but I'm damned if I can find them that way.
06:48Books.
06:48Not the iPod.
06:50There's no room in there.
06:52It didn't help.
06:54No, no, bad luck on the speaker again, I'm afraid.
06:58Oh, no.
06:58You got any ideas?
07:00Well, no.
07:01Hello, Rosie.
07:03Margaret's done something very bad.
07:06Oh, dear.
07:07iPod out.
07:09You're all right, my nobby.
07:10Come in.
07:10Books on table.
07:15Hi.
07:16Oh, here you go.
07:26Shark box.
07:28Only the icing.
07:29Sorry.
07:30Thank you, love.
07:32There you are, sir.
07:33Oh, what?
07:35You see they are.
07:36Oh, what is it?
07:37Phlebotomy practice.
07:39Fascinating.
07:40You know, I'm sure people would like to hear about this.
07:42Right.
07:43Come on.
07:44Oh, this for you.
07:45I've checked.
07:46Everything's up to date.
07:47Is she got the measles, the MMMR, and everything?
07:49Oh, you see, you are up to date with the MMMR.
07:52I told you that.
07:53Oh, you didn't tell me that.
07:54I wasn't going to tell you.
07:55I wasn't going to tell you.
07:56Oh, God.
07:57Tea.
07:59This isn't a whole computer, is it?
08:03No.
08:07I should keep an eye on Rosie.
08:09I think Margaret's been giving her a bit of trouble today.
08:12Oh, dear.
08:12How are you doing?
08:13I know.
08:14You've got so much to do.
08:15I have.
08:15I've got foul things to do.
08:16John's never there.
08:17Just let me know if I can ever be any help, you know, with the pick-up.
08:21I'm always doing a school run.
08:22Always.
08:23Yeah.
08:24And if I'm in the Mercedes with the seats down, there's always room for one more.
08:27Always.
08:28Always on the road, always got some kids in the back.
08:30Well, Tuesday would be quite good, with the bus.
08:32Can't do Tuesdays.
08:34Oh, they're not that.
08:34They're not that.
08:35Oh.
08:37Don't lead itself.
08:38Oh, dear.
08:41I'm sorry.
08:42Oh, you're hopeless.
08:44Did you just skip a little bit?
08:46It's delicious.
08:47But it flew out.
08:49Hurry up.
08:49Hurry up.
08:50Oh, of course.
08:52There's your prescription.
08:53What?
08:53In your pocket.
08:55Prescription.
08:56There we are.
08:57Oh, no.
08:57She's looking at me.
08:58She's quite quite going to say something to me.
09:00Now she's probably going to speak to me.
09:01No, Rosie.
09:02Yeah, she's spoken.
09:03Right, well, I know Eileen said something to you, but what's not been happening right is
09:08that I have been taking my red and orange pills.
09:10I haven't flushed those down a labby.
09:12Have you put your pills down the toilet again?
09:15Yeah, I have, yeah.
09:16Yeah, my son didn't nick them.
09:18And I haven't had the police around, no.
09:20Did the police come around?
09:21Yeah, it's all been a big mistake.
09:23And now Margaret's very, very upset about it.
09:26Is she here?
09:27Yeah, she's over there.
09:28Well, go and get her.
09:29I want a word.
09:29Right.
09:32I've got to get Margaret.
09:33Oh, Margaret's not coming, is she?
09:35We're starting.
09:35Please stay.
09:36Talk to yourself.
09:40Right.
09:42What the hell is going on here?
09:45No, I am not speaking to you.
09:47No, you've been speaking to Rosie.
09:49How dare you?
09:50Shut up, down.
09:52Oh, gross.
09:53Now stay there until Rosie gets back.
09:58Right now, ladies?
10:00Speakers.
10:02Unfortunately, Bob Holness has apparently left the area.
10:06So, we probably never even got our letter.
10:11Hannah Gordon has been approached for the next meeting, which, as usual, will take place
10:17on the second Wednesday of the month, unless it's a Thursday, when the month is shorter.
10:23And on that month, it might be replaced by a ramble due to daylight safety.
10:29Right, sir?
10:30Oh, Rosie's back.
10:32Yay!
10:33Yeah.
10:34Woo!
10:35Right as rain.
10:36Oh, lovely Rosie.
10:37Lovely to see you, dear.
10:38Sit down.
10:40Now then.
10:42Time for a quick pause.
10:43And the rest.
10:44You wish me you'd kill me if I ever relent and join the guild.
10:47I'll kill you and I'll knit you a coffin.
10:49Now, second item, outings.
10:52Trigo Mills.
10:54Oh, good idea.
10:55Noted, Rosie.
10:57Not Trigo Mills again.
10:58Any other suggestions at all?
11:00Another idea would be Trigo Mills.
11:09Oh, that is so creepy.
11:11Get it off.
11:12Get it off.
11:14Get off me, you tushy.
11:17Show Mike the arm.
11:18That's funny.
11:19Come on.
11:20Is light still on?
11:21Oh.
11:23Bye.
11:26Husband of mine.
11:29Oh, he's asleep.
11:30Give him a poke there.
11:31Come on.
11:31Okay, I'll give him a little bit.
11:39Sweetie, goodie.
11:40Boo-y.
11:41You're coming in here.
11:43Hello.
11:44Mickey, don't you look true?
11:48Mickey?
11:52Oh, my God.
11:53What?
11:54Oh, my God.
11:55What?
11:56Help me.
11:56Get him up.
11:57Get him on the floor.
11:58I think he's had a heart attack.
11:58Oh, God.
11:59Right.
12:00Okay, down on the floor, yeah?
12:02Yeah, okay.
12:02Right.
12:03Right.
12:04Oh, yeah.
12:05I have him.
12:05I have him.
12:06Yeah.
12:06And, oh.
12:08Oh, my God.
12:09And, stop that.
12:10God, God, get him out of me.
12:14Oh, pull him.
12:16Pull him.
12:16Oh.
12:17Oh.
12:18Get him out of the floor.
12:19Right.
12:20Roll him over.
12:21Yeah.
12:21Onto his back.
12:22Oh.
12:23Get him in recovery.
12:24That's it.
12:24That's it.
12:25Now.
12:25That's it.
12:26Pulse.
12:26Pulse.
12:27Pulse.
12:28No pulse.
12:29Christ.
12:29We'll have to do CPR.
12:31Oh, you take them out.
12:33I'll get the ambi bag.
12:34Ami bag, ami bag.
12:35What does the ambi bag look like?
12:36The tube.
12:37The little girdle.
12:37Tube.
12:38Handle bag.
12:38Handle bag.
12:39Handle bag.
12:39Okay.
12:40Got it.
12:40Now.
12:41Now.
12:42All right.
12:43It's seven, two, one, no, five, two, three.
12:48Come on.
12:49What is it?
12:51It's 15.
12:52It's 15.
12:52It's the song.
12:53It's the song.
12:53It's the song.
12:54Okay.
12:56Handle.
12:56Now the elephant back to trunk and say goodbye to the circus.
13:00Oh, she went with the jump and she took, talk, talk, talk, talk.
13:03What?
13:04Come on.
13:06Come on.
13:06Come on.
13:07Come on.
13:09Lily.
13:13Get the ambulance.
13:14Get the ambulance.
13:17Oh, my God.
13:21All things bright and beautiful.
13:27All creatures, great and small.
13:31Don't worry.
13:33He was dead before we killed him.
13:35Yes.
13:37In fact, he killed himself.
13:39With bad health.
13:56I painted that.
13:58Sit down.
13:59Shut up.
14:02Sit.
14:04Sit.
14:07Please be seated.
14:15I am the resurrection and the life, saith the Lord.
14:19That coffin's very tight.
14:21Couldn't we get one in your father's size?
14:23If the people of this town recycled more, then he could have had a bigger one.
14:26As it was, I've had to supplement the cardboard with rolled oats.
14:30So, it's biodegrading.
14:33Fantastic.
14:35We give you thanks and praise, almighty father, that you sent your son to die and raised him
14:44from the dead for the salvation of us all.
14:49Lord, hear us.
14:58That's you, your bit.
15:02It's the response.
15:05It's in the bold print on the sheet.
15:10Idiots.
15:12It's what you say.
15:14Lord, Lord, mean bold print.
15:17Bold print.
15:18Bold print.
15:23I'm so sorry.
15:28From the book of Ecclesiastes, chapter 3, verse 5.
15:34To everything, there is a season.
15:38Turn, turn, turn.
15:41No responses.
15:45And a time for every purpose under heaven.
15:49Turn, turn, turn.
15:52I'm not going on unless you stop.
15:55Right.
15:56All right.
15:59A time to be born.
16:01Amen.
16:02No, I've already said.
16:04Do you?
16:34Thank you, Jesus.
16:41Thanks. Thanks very much.
16:43If you want to see us again,
16:45we'll be supporting the Osric tentacles
16:48at the Live Earth Festival.
16:59I think my father would have been pleased
17:02to see so many familiar faces,
17:04friends and patients here today.
17:08As you may know, I'm taking over the practice
17:11and I hope to see you all soon,
17:14or not, actually, unless you are sick,
17:18in which case I do hope you will.
17:23I hope to continue to uphold the standards
17:26set by my father,
17:29or indeed start afresh.
17:33And my wife is looking forward
17:35to taking over as practice nurse.
17:38Now's not the time to go into details,
17:40but I'll be posting the new surgery hours
17:42on the door in about a week's time
17:44when we're hoping to reopen.
17:46Basically, it'll be 8th until 12.30,
17:48Tuesday to Saturday, Monday...
18:11No, no, no, I'll leave the coffin.
18:13Just bring the hearse up to the floor.
18:18Oh, the husband's totally dead, isn't he?
18:21He's completely dead now.
18:23It's quite sad.
18:24Come on, now, because you're a widow.
18:26Now you're completely widowed.
18:28I've got something for you.
18:30There's cheese for remembrance.
18:36Just some cheese.
18:37Take my hand, my dear
18:44We know that the time is near
18:50Be strong and be brave, my dear
18:58Let me go now
19:02Let me go
19:27Hello?
19:28Oh, hello.
19:29Kate Vales.
19:31Yes?
19:32Grieving group.
19:33I thought you might like a visit.
19:35I know people tend to drop off about this as a time.
19:39Grieving group.
19:44So...
19:48So...
19:51How's it going?
19:53Hmm?
19:55I'm doing okay.
19:59Stage three.
20:02Is it?
20:05Depression.
20:06Oh, I'm not depressed.
20:13No, no, you are.
20:16You see...
20:21You see, you've had shock.
20:23Yes.
20:24Um, and then anger slash denial.
20:28So, so now depression.
20:31And, and then euphoria.
20:33And, and then melancholy.
20:35I think I've skipped a few.
20:37I think I'm a melancholy.
20:38Heh.
20:46No, you can't do that
20:47because you have to do it in the right order.
20:48Oh.
20:56Have you made death a colour yet?
21:02No.
21:03No.
21:19Tears can be healing.
21:29Oh, you're not a widow.
21:47Oh, yes.
21:48Oh, I'm so sorry.
21:53Oh.
21:54Oh, Kate.
21:56Oh, and you're so young.
21:59Oh, thank you.
22:01It must be so hard for you.
22:05Mike was thinking about retiring anyway.
22:09I'm not dying.
22:11Oh, no, no, no.
22:13No.
22:14No, I'm fine.
22:17I can't get off euphoria.
22:22Oh.
22:24Oh.
22:26I didn't like him very much, you see.
22:29Oh, so you've got the guilt thing as well.
22:31Yes.
22:32Yes.
22:32And the problem is that's not a step.
22:36How long's it been?
22:39Five years.
22:41Five years?
22:42Yes.
22:43Five years?
22:46Yes.
22:46And two months.
22:48Okay.
22:49Wait.
22:51I want you to take this home.
22:53And I want you to grieve for one hour every day.
22:56Just one hour and then get out there and get on with your life.
23:01Right.
23:01Yes.
23:02Good girl.
23:03Yes, okay.
23:03Yes, because I've had maladaptive coping and now I've got to adaptively learn to cope with my grief.
23:11Just get a haircut.
23:12And a new top.
23:14Oh, thank you.
23:19No, I'm just taking the bad ends off.
23:30So, how are things at the surgery?
23:32Oh, great.
23:34Oh.
23:35Actually, they're not.
23:36They're terrible.
23:38They've made me refile everything under names.
23:40So now I don't know who's got what and I've no stories for you.
23:43I don't want to talk about it.
23:46I thought you'd been on any holidays recently.
23:49Yes, my husband died and everybody sent me to Coventry.
23:54Like everybody's trying to avoid me.
23:56They all ask about you.
23:58Oh, yes, they ask you about me.
23:59They don't ask me about me.
24:02Oh, come on.
24:03You know what they're like.
24:04They're embarrassed.
24:07Anyway, you could go and see them.
24:10I have all of the prescriptions for the guild.
24:12You could come with me.
24:12No, why would I want to go and see them?
24:14They'd want to come and see me.
24:16No, no, actually, you're right.
24:17You're right.
24:17You should just stay here sleeping in the dog basket because you look so well on it and
24:21you're doing so great.
24:22This is tough love, by the way.
24:24Now, you just pull yourself together, Juan.
24:29Hello.
24:29Attention.
24:30Please.
24:31If anybody has got any of those white rubber poverty is history bangles, could they please
24:38give them to Queenie because she is going to be recycling them as mug grippers for oldies.
24:44Thank you, Queenie.
24:46Now, then, go on talking.
24:48Go on.
24:49Another couple of minutes.
24:55You were at Madonna's for the weekend.
24:57Well, no, not the whole weekend, don't be silly.
24:59No, no, no.
24:59We had to get back for the dog.
25:01It was really just the evening.
25:02Well, it's because of Mikey, really.
25:04The one who's in the pop band.
25:06Rock band.
25:07Rock band.
25:07Pop band.
25:08And he's great mates with them, of course, with Madonna and her husband, Richie.
25:12Guy.
25:12It was a lovely evening.
25:14Did you?
25:14I was quite surprised.
25:15It was a lovely evening until Sting played the lute.
25:17Right now, ladies.
25:19Attention, please.
25:20Let's open the meeting.
25:22I'd like to welcome you all to this month's meeting.
25:26And, of course, lest we forget, this month is our big push for new members.
25:33And while we're on the subject of new members, I would like to welcome on your behalf Katie,
25:39who has come to join us today.
25:42She's just coming out of her bereavement.
25:45Welcome to you.
25:46Is your husband dead?
25:48See?
25:49Yes.
25:49Dead.
25:49Now, then, back to the push.
25:52We've got to get this interweb running.
25:55And, Rosie, I believe that you offered to write a little advertisement for us.
26:01Did you?
26:01Have you written the words?
26:02Yeah, I have.
26:03Yes.
26:03Would you like to read them to us?
26:04I'm holding that towards her now.
26:05She's got all the medals all over her bazooka.
26:07That's it.
26:08Right.
26:08I used a dictionary.
26:09He says, love it, posh.
26:39We are Clatterford St. Mary Ladies' Guild.
26:46I'd like to join.
26:47Oh, thank you.
26:48That's Jane.
26:50Yes.
26:51Oh, yes.
26:52Goodness me, how nice.
26:56Right, now, come on, ladies.
26:57Come on.
26:59Let's have a little bit less excitement.
27:01Settle down, please.
27:04Now, let's on to the second part of our meeting, which is speakers.
27:09Now, unfortunately, Hannah Gordon cannot be with us this afternoon.
27:17Apparently, she's got some work.
27:19So, do you ever get any speakers, Eileen, Victor?
27:24Yes, we do, actually.
27:25We do, Sal.
27:26We do.
27:26We do get speakers.
27:27And, in fact, today, we have got the third part of Pauline's talk with slides of, yes,
27:36you've guessed it, life behind the scenes at Liddles.
27:40So, now, come on, Pauline, take it away, my dear.
27:46You see, Sal, we do get speakers.
27:49Now, is this your first meeting, please?
27:51Do I get to wear one of those necklaces now that I've joined?
27:54Don't push it.
27:57Sorry.
27:58I didn't mean to.
28:00She's sensitive.
28:02Well done, sir.
28:03So, where did I get to?
28:05Well, canned goods are stacked by the people what is known as stackers.
28:10Stackers.
28:10OK?
28:11Yeah.
28:11Canned multi-pack goods, they're delivered in bulk to door six, whereupon night shift workers,
28:20they do what we call splitting.
28:22Oh, splitting.
28:24This involves the removal...
28:25Oh, just a minute, Pauline.
28:27Just a moment, please.
28:28Yes.
28:29And it's my first meeting, Annie, but am I allowed to make a suggestion?
28:32No, you can't make a suggestion.
28:35It has to be a motion.
28:37OK, I make a motion.
28:39Yes.
28:40I think we all need a drink.
28:42In the pub.
28:45No.
28:46You can't be fetched out the post like that.
28:49Ladies, this would be very, very unconstitutional.
28:53It is.
28:54Now, come on.
28:55I shall need a show of hands.
28:57I knew that would happen.
28:59I knew that would happen.
29:00My goodness me.
29:02Don't.
29:03Well.
29:09Right.
29:11Mine's a Benedictine.
29:19You get on, Pauline.
29:21In fact, I want to see what happens at the end.
29:24Right.
29:26That there, that's trolleys.
29:29Are they special trolleys?
29:30Yeah, they're special trolleys.
29:31You've got to be very careful.
29:32Made of metal.
29:33Yes, but you've got to be very, very careful, you see, when you're pulling them.
29:37Yeah.
29:38But there should be two of you pulling them.
29:40Yeah.
29:40But sometimes.
29:41What, for safety?
29:42For safety, yeah.
29:42But sometimes there's just a bit of two of you to do it.
29:45Yeah.
29:45And you've got to be careful.
29:47Yeah.
29:47And if the customer's getting away, put it on.
29:49Yeah.
29:50It just gets knocked over.
29:52Oh, that's the front door.
29:53That's the back door.
29:54Yeah.
29:54And that looks like the skipper there.
29:56All the rubbish.
29:58And look, there's some wooden things up there.
30:00They're in front pallets.
30:01Oh, pallets?
30:02Yes.
30:02Right.
30:03Yes.
30:03And is this where the band's back in there?
30:06Yeah, that's where they're in.
30:07Oh, they're wanting to see that.
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