- 20 minutes ago
2006 SITCOM "The Church is being decorated for the Harvest Festival by the Ladies Guild. The vicar is grumpy and Rosie has neglected her meds." IMDB Starring Sue Johnston, Dawn French, Jennifer Saunders, Joanna Lumley, Maggie Steed, Doreen Mantle, Patrick Barlow, Pauline McLynn, Sally Phillips, David Mitchell
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TVTranscript
00:11We are the Village Green, Preservation Society
00:17God save Donald Duck, Vauderville and Variety
00:21We are the Desperate Don't Appreciation Society
00:27God save, Strawberry Jam and all the different varieties
00:35What's going on?
00:36I'm so sorry, this heat's got stuck in the forward position
00:41All right, see if we can get you out of here
00:46It's in the forward position
00:50I've got some pipe cleaners here, if anyone wants
00:52Pipe cleaners, I love pipe cleaners
00:54Something rather nostalgic about a pipe cleaner
00:56Don't you think, like being back at school
00:58I wonder if they were ever used for actually cleaning pipes
01:01Of course they were, that's why they were called pipe cleaners
01:05Oh
01:07Pipe cleaners, the clue's in the name
01:09Yes, but it's interesting cleaning, isn't it
01:11Because they don't use them for that anymore
01:13That's because we don't smoke pipes anymore
01:15Oh, but
01:16Things that are called descriptions of what they used to be
01:19But they don't ring down
01:21Well, now that's a very fascinating talk
01:24Very fascinating
01:25All right, sir?
01:26Oh, yeah
01:27Yeah, I just thought Tip might be coming down
01:30Oh, she's not hot on craft
01:32No, but we do miss her chatter
01:33Yeah, she's probably busy
01:35I think they're weighing the babies today
01:36Oh
01:37Hey, come on, come and have a go with something
01:39What is that?
01:41Macrami, the art of the knot
01:42Have a go
01:43Oh, no, no, no, I'm not artistic
01:46No, you don't have to be
01:47It's the doing it that matters, Sal, with craft
01:51Pristick
01:51The maintenance and traditional skills
01:53The grill's very hot on that
01:55And the last thing we do is we bring them in here
02:00I just don't understand why
02:02They're a lot more accurate than the ones in the surgery
02:04Oh, yeah, ten first class stamps, my dry cleaning
02:07Oh, and the baby
02:08Pop them up there on the scales
02:11Great, did you get that?
02:15Raps
02:15We're having a call
02:16Actually, I'll let you have them for a couple of jiffy bags
02:19A permanent marker and a blind eye on my car attacks
02:21And you've got to wash your hands before you go back to the surgery
02:24Oh, relax, they're dead
02:26Have you got any hobbies, Sal?
02:28No, no, not really, never at the time
02:31This all seems a bit like, um...
02:32Occupational therapy
02:34Well, yes, yes
02:35And I could never sort out whether that was to maintain brain function
02:39Or to dull it down
02:41Oh, look at me
02:42Where's your answer?
02:44I mean, until I gave it a go
02:46I thought all this was a bit of nonsense
02:48But then you look and you think, aww
02:51I mean, look
02:54This isn't just a rubbish box
02:56This is something someone's bothered to make
02:57And that's lovely, I think
02:59Yeah, that is
03:01That is
03:02It's lovely, Rosie
03:04Yeah, cheers
03:04Cheers
03:05What are you going to keep in it, do you think?
03:07Hundreds of condoms
03:09Lovely
03:09Yeah
03:15Sorry, mate
03:16I'm too sorry
03:20Where were you last weekend?
03:22Oh, Clifton
03:22Do you know Clifton?
03:23Oh, yes, the hotel
03:24Yeah, so we were there because a friend of Mikey's was in a band, um, I was about to say
03:28the murder dolls, I don't mean the murder dolls, I mean the killers
03:30Um, got married
03:32It was lovely, yeah, lovely
03:34Courtney Love was there
03:34Not drinking, which was a mercy
03:36Tracy Emin, of course, who was a mystery to me
03:39We just spent the lovely evening out on the terrace, you know, all wonderful until, of course
03:43Sting played the lute
03:45No, Trudy read a poem
03:46Ah, I'm bored with beads and shells
03:50Would you want some teasers?
03:52No
03:53Can we watch the video?
03:55Ooh, yes
03:56A good idea
03:57Fish meal and boogie board and that beauty
04:00Can you take a person?
04:01Yes, I will
04:02Yes, I will
04:03Yes, she will
04:03Yes, she'll
04:04What is the other one?
04:05I'm not interested to get out for a pet
04:09Use your finger
04:11Oh, yeah
04:19Oh, my God
04:21Oh, yes
04:23Now, this is working down
04:24It's such a beautiful
04:25Oh, no, it's not the weather now.
04:29Oh, there you go.
04:30Oh, this is it.
04:31Oh, my God.
04:33It's very flattering, isn't it, the wetsuits?
04:36I look much slimmer in it.
04:41I think I can tell I'm going to be quite good at this.
04:44Somebody doesn't know how to put it in the face.
04:48Oh, my God.
04:49Oh, yeah!
05:17Speech.
05:21I just like to say I was
05:32Time oh, it doesn't really matter. It does matter people are waiting to come into the bathroom
05:39Was that was one for the annals?
05:43Well, no one can say that we're not adventurous
05:50The place I think so
05:55I'm so sorry
05:58Don't worry dear soon get you free
06:01It's always happening. I had jammed it with an old shawl, but oh
06:07There we are
06:11You sorry Mary web Mary web
06:19Yeah, smear pardon tell her she's booked in. Yes, you're booked in for a check-up. Yes, say what's it
06:26check-up smear?
06:30Smear, thank you
06:33With you is it what say the word
06:39How can you do it if you can't even say it do it no no no no no no you
06:45are the nurse you do them
06:47Will you take over the phones please just people are waiting the secret is to ignore them completely when they
06:54come in first
06:55Be totally involved in something else that way they don't dare say anything until you look up at them. Why
07:00time-honored code?
07:07Ow
07:25Actually, I'll deal with this
07:27You make a start of mr. Whiddon's ear blockage would you tackle that mr. Whiddon you can go through now?
07:34Oh, hi, yeah
07:36Is it over then the meeting? No, I've escaped
07:38Oh, that bad is it? Oh, it's like a toddler's group. I'm in need of adult
07:42Me are you coming down? I can't I'm busy. I'm ignoring the vicar
07:47Oh
07:50Hi, how are you?
07:52Good
07:53Oh, no, I can't I can't I'm not the nurse anymore. You'll have to us. Yes, well, we're afraid to
07:59ask her anything in case we upset her
08:04Oh
08:07My god, it can't be that bad
08:09It's just the hair
08:11It's just old ears love
08:13No, it's full of stuff
08:15Oh
08:16Come here to hear
08:20Oh my god
08:22Jim
08:23It's a wonder you can hear anything
08:26Jim
08:29Jim
08:30Vicar
08:34You're here for the doctor. Yes, what is it?
08:37What's the problem?
08:39I want to see the doctor look we're very busy and we don't want time wasters
08:43Is it a recurrence of the fistula because I have your notes here?
08:46I the doctor please
08:49Right
08:51Doctor
08:52James
08:53Jimmy boy
08:54Jim Bob
08:55No, no, no, do you understand me? You buzz me and you call me doctor
08:58Hello, love
09:01Are you ill?
09:01What are you ill because if you're not you shouldn't be in the surgery?
09:05I feel
09:06I'm trying to get some sense of order in this place
09:08I'm sorry love. I just wanted to check you've got the photograph of your dad that I brought over. Yes
09:13Why did god take him from us vicar one can only imagine
09:18Vicar I'm so sorry. I'll be with you in a moment
09:21I'm not ill if you understand
09:22Well, no, no, I am ill for the purposes of being here
09:26To get my drink
09:28Yes, well, what why don't you come through for for your routine checkup?
09:37Good heavens high blood pressure all right
09:42Don't forget I'm doing nothing at the moment
09:46What's that smell rabbits rabbits yeah, I bring them in for the patients they love them really lifts their spirits
09:52So now we're a petting zoo as well. No, they're dead
10:02It is really interesting though because I am like poised I could go in many directions
10:09What are you doing?
10:11What aren't I doing?
10:14I did I did like work
10:16I'm at the recycling and although that's closed now Josh says that like if if he ever sets up another
10:21one
10:21I would have like definite job there
10:23That's like the place where they take something and smash it up and make it back to what it was
10:26Isn't it why don't they just leave it like what it was and then wash it and fill it up
10:31That is very interesting and valid point is that yeah, because sometimes the energy that it takes to do something
10:37good is more
10:39No, um the energy
10:42That it takes to do something good is bad
10:46Because it is more than what it takes to do nothing
10:51So it's best to do nothing then
10:55It's complicated
10:57Anyone kaking?
10:58Read out those guild reports, Queenie, see what they've been up to
11:05Um
11:07Ramsholt guild report
11:09We have enjoyed another busy and interesting year
11:12Where is this?
11:13Ramsholt
11:13Oh my god
11:14With a varied program of speakers, demonstrations, social events and extra activities
11:20Well, that's shagging, that is
11:21Stop it, Rosie
11:22Yeah
11:27Well, tip me
11:28She's gonna try
11:29No, thanks
11:31What I want to do is wind farm generator monitor or circus skills
11:35Oh, so you're looking for a job then
11:37Well, yeah, yeah, but
11:38There's plenty of jobs up at the cheese factory. Are you interested in cheese at all?
11:42Well, I, you know
11:43Because there's lots of vacancies like in, um, processing, vacuum packing, labelling
11:47I think it must be fascinating
11:49It is, yeah
11:50You're gonna stay here or are you gonna get another van?
11:52I think that once the mobile library's off the road due to government cuts
11:55I think they're gonna offer us that
11:56Oh, oh, that's very spacious
11:59Would you keep all the shelves or
12:00I don't know
12:01Because I could have them
12:02I shouldn't miss the library
12:06I'm going dogging later if you fancy
12:08Pardon?
12:09Dogging with the gang
12:11Pardon?
12:13Dogging
12:13I don't think you mean dogging
12:15Yes
12:16You know, we may take all the dogs down to the river and let them swim
12:19That's not dogging
12:21Isn't it?
12:22What is dogging?
12:26It's group sex with strangers at unknown locations under cover of darkness
12:30I think
12:32Oh
12:36What's strangers?
12:37Well, so I believe
12:38Hmm
12:38I think that's the kick
12:39Oh
12:41I think I prefer my kind of dogging
12:43Oh, yes
12:44I mean, it's just a little phrase that John and I made up when we were cottaging in Norfolk
12:47Yeah
12:47Yeah
12:48Oh
12:49What?
12:50What?
12:50A woman in Stackleton killed with Magimix
12:52How?
12:53It's beaten over the head with it by her husband
12:54Oh, dear
12:55I wonder what happens to stuff after a police have finished with that
12:58Why?
12:59Because I need a new Magimix
13:01Do you?
13:02Yeah
13:03What is a Magimix?
13:05Rosie, I believe that you're due to do the talk today
13:09Yeah
13:09Well, have you prepared anything?
13:11Yeah
13:12Well, I did it
13:13House of Marbles
13:14Again
13:14Yeah
13:17Mum
13:17Yes
13:19Where's Rafe?
13:21He's at school
13:22God
13:24It's like I never get to see him
13:25Well, why don't you get up earlier?
13:28Look, the government want us to be more responsible
13:31How am I ever supposed to get any quality time with him when it always has to be by their
13:36schedule?
13:36Okay, so the government, right, they get to tell me exactly what to do
13:39And then they get to tell me off when, when I, you know, when it doesn't work
13:42Look now, Tash, please, just change the bloody record
13:45Aww
13:47And will you hang these up, please? Don't just dump them on the floor like you normally do
13:50Well, do you actually, er, live here, you know?
13:52Tash, I spend all my day trying to make this place nice
13:56Why? You never used to bother?
13:59Because, Tash, I am in it now all bloody days
14:04And so am I!
14:05And you know something? I wish you bloody weren't
14:15Right, call the meeting to order, ladies
14:18Down craft, please
14:20Oh, but we haven't got Chip and Pauline and Delilah
14:26Oh, then just sit down
14:28Leave them to me
14:29Mum, oh, she's lovely, isn't she?
14:31She's your baby, isn't she?
14:33No, she's not a baby, Rosie, she just acts like one
14:35Rosie, put her down, put her down
14:37Let's go and get dressed
14:42Rosie, darling, come on now
14:43Give us this talk, please
14:45He's a little bit upset there
14:47Come on, she's a bit upset
14:48Yeah, baby, it's all right, my darling
14:50You just start the talk and then we'll go on
14:52Like this, just calm down, everybody
14:55Today's talk is House of Marbles
14:58Yes
14:58Oh, Christ
15:00At House of Marbles and Tame Valley Glass, we have been manufacturing our unusual range of games toys, marbles and
15:08glassware for many years
15:10There's free admission and parking
15:12You two go up and sort those cars out
15:14You boys come down here with me
15:16Thank you
15:24We're missing a patient
15:25I'm sorry I'm late, terrible traffic
15:27We're very busy here today, what is it that you're here for?
15:30Mary Webb, Smear
15:33Will you hold on, please?
15:40It's, it's, it's me
15:42Come on, love you
15:43Please
15:43No, I
15:45Please
15:47Okay, I'll do it
15:48Would you have others to see?
15:49Sorry, it's just
15:51Word
15:52Will you take a seat?
15:53The doctor will see you in a moment
16:03Oh, how are you?
16:05You didn't come to the meeting
16:06I know, surgery was chaos, terrible traffic
16:09Why doesn't he call me if he's busy?
16:11I'm here
16:12I'm here in the house with Tash
16:15Who is driving me mad
16:17You're far too soft to touch
16:18Oh, I know, I know
16:19Well, just get me a job, will you?
16:21And get me out the house at least
16:22I'm working on that
16:24So let me ask you something
16:26It was Joyce Midge that was James' old headmistress, wasn't it?
16:29Joyce Midge, yeah, yeah
16:31He was terrified of her, why?
16:34Oh
16:35More a mum
16:38Joyce Midge
16:48We need to talk
16:51Oh?
16:52Yeah, sit up
16:57I'm so disappointed in you
16:59Here we go
17:02What are you going to do with the rest of your life?
17:05You need to have a purpose
17:08Yeah, I have got a plan, okay
17:11Just like, you know, in my time
17:14Like to my schedule
17:15Anyway, what's your purpose?
17:17All you do at the moment is like, you know, hang
17:19And talk with those women
17:21Don't you turn this on me, don't
17:23You are too old, Tash, to still be drifting
17:27Your gap years turn into a gap life
17:29Right, yeah, I think that is a bit harsh
17:31But right, I have, like, applied to Dartington
17:35For the circus skills course
17:37Here we go
17:38Which I am almost guaranteed a place on
17:40Look, Tash
17:40It is too late to start a course
17:44You need a job
17:46You need to do something
17:47You need to make money
17:49Yes, wait
17:50Because you do make money
17:51Because it's like four years
17:53And you do five skills
17:53Including tightrope
17:55You're too old
17:56And I'm not spending any money
17:57Because I'm here
17:58And then I buy a year
17:59And I go round the festivals
18:00No, no, no, no
18:01You need to have money
18:03And I make money
18:04But who's going to pay money
18:05To watch you falling off a washing line
18:09Oh, right, oh, thanks
18:12Thanks very much for the confidence boost
18:16Anyway, I was only going to do that
18:18If I didn't get the wind farm generator monitor
18:22Or the belly dancer
18:23God, stop
18:24Just stop it
18:26Stop it
18:27Just get real, Tash
18:29You are going to end up
18:31Like some of these bloody old hippies round here
18:33Going nowhere
18:34No future
18:35Trying to make a living
18:37Out of bending will
18:38Oh, you're pathetic
18:39You sound just like Dad
18:40Good
18:40Good
18:41Because he loved you
18:43Oh, yes
18:44If he loved me
18:45Why did he throw me out?
18:46He didn't
18:47He did
18:48He did it
18:49Because he thought it might
18:50Just be the kick up the arse you needed
18:52But you landed on your arse
18:53And you stayed there
18:55Tash
18:56I cannot always support you
19:00I do not have a job
19:01You can't always live here
19:05Well
19:07You know, that's all very well
19:10But I'm only living with you, Mum
19:12Because
19:13I can't buy a house
19:15Can I?
19:16Because all the bastard London ticket overs
19:18You can't buy a house
19:20Because you haven't got any money
19:22Now
19:24You need a job, right?
19:26It is nothing to do with house prices
19:29You get a mortgage
19:31And you get on the property ladder
19:35So
19:37I have to sell out
19:38So that
19:39So that you can live here on your own?
19:41I've got two words for you, Mum
19:42Property and theft
19:44Oh, my God
19:45You can be one selfish little cow sometimes
19:49Tash
19:49Oh, you
19:50You're stuck in here
19:52Yes?
19:53Oh, sorry
19:54Hi
19:54Hi
19:56Great, great
19:57Yeah, yeah
19:58What time?
19:59Bye
19:59In case you haven't noticed
20:01Rufus has actually just left me
20:02So I'm actually just going through a major heartbreak
20:06And I am not
20:09Get out!
20:10I'm going!
20:11Get out!
20:11And thanks for believing in me
20:13Get out!
20:28Right, Tash
20:30You got nothing to say to me then?
20:33Got new hands
20:34That's better
20:34Hey
20:35Found a stray
20:37Rafe
20:40Look at the hound puppies
20:43You all right?
20:45No way
21:04Hi Ben, how's it going?
21:06Yeah, very good, thank you
21:07Rumble okay?
21:08Yeah, you're going, thanks
21:11Yes
21:12Um, ten o'clock on Thursday
21:14Yep
21:15Thank you
21:17Hi
21:17Hello
21:18Um, I just bought James this better photograph of his dad
21:21Ah
21:23Okay, don't look now
21:24I'm behind you at two o'clock
21:25Yeah, er, no, that's my two o'clock
21:27No, no, don't, don't, don't look
21:28Um, you're half seven
21:29Um, it's
21:30Oh, just turn around and look
21:33Ma
21:35Hi
21:35She just bought a Bessie photo of your dad
21:38Good lord
21:39It's the only one I could find where he wasn't smoking
21:42Thank you
21:43So, everything going smoothly?
21:45Oh, yes
21:45Yep
21:46You see?
21:47I think so
21:47Next patient, please
21:49Joyce Midge
21:50Oh, right
21:52Thank you
21:53Thank you
21:58Smear
22:03Hello, Dr. Sergi
22:06Right, er, so, er, when was your last, er
22:09I do remember you, you know
22:11Oh
22:12You can sit down
22:14Thank you
22:15I was called into your office
22:17You have to speak to me
22:19Ah, yes
22:19Er, yes, so, er, when, er
22:24No, last smear, er, two years ago
22:26Your mother did me
22:27Right
22:28Don't be nervous
22:30You probably had a crush on me at school, did you?
22:32Something silly
22:33No, no, no, not, not that you're not attractive
22:37Now you've got a ferret about in my you-know-what
22:42Right, er, yes, well, you know, I am a doctor, so, er, it's all...
22:47Par for the course, to use a golfing term
22:49You a golfer?
22:51No, I'm not
22:52Oh, never mind
22:53Just aim for a hole in one and it'll be over in no time at all
22:58Yes, well, I need to ask you a few questions
23:01Yes, of course
23:02Well, I'm post-menopausal, if there's any help
23:04And, right, er, any associated problems?
23:08Terrible dry vag
23:09So, er, lube up before you go in, there's a good chap
23:13Right, er, right
23:15Er, er, er, er, er, er, er, you still, er, sexually active?
23:20Are you trying to say sexually?
23:22I-I-I did, are you sexually active?
23:27Well, let's just say you won't have to fight your way through the cobwebs
23:31Still trying to give myself a bit of pleasure now and again
23:35Is that enough information, or are you still curious?
23:39I'd have to ask these questions.
23:42So, if you could just go behind the screen and put the gown on, please, Miss?
23:48I mean, Minge. I mean, Miss Minge.
23:52Don't be nervous, silly boy.
23:56A trembling hand wouldn't be very professional. Pleasant, perhaps, not professional.
24:02Now, this gown, opening front or back?
24:06Back.
24:07Do you want me on my side or splayed?
24:10Side.
24:15Panties on or off?
24:17Off.
24:23I'm ready.
24:26Open for business, as they say.
24:42I can't do it.
24:43What, love?
24:44Will you do it?
24:46What's the magic word?
24:48Hello?
24:49Please.
24:50I can't allow it. I mean, she's not officially employed here anymore.
24:54Part time, on your old wage.
24:57Done.
24:58I'll sort the paperwork later.
25:00Go on, woman.
25:01A vagina awaits.
25:07Poor boy.
25:08You did very well.
25:10Now, this may be a little cold.
25:14Oh, heavens of experience.
25:16Oh, it's so good to be back.
25:20Out in the field where the locket flies.
25:27Over the earth where my heart it lies.
25:34Oh, how it sings when the west winds blow.
25:40Look, just go away, okay?
25:42Go home.
25:42Do not cross this bridge.
25:47Oh, how cold will you lock me in?
25:53If you could hear me speak, why would I make it?
25:59Let's go home.
26:00Time, it is past now, and I roam free.
26:06Is it wrong to wish you stand in me?
26:13Is it wrong to wish you stand in me?
26:22Ow.
26:23Ow.
26:24Oh.
26:37Go away, I'm fine.
26:57All right, Tash?
27:07What are you up to?
27:11I'm at, like, a crossroads.
27:15Because although I have got a place on this Circus Girls course,
27:20I have to start, like, making a living.
27:21You know, like, not, like, being responsible or anything,
27:24but, like, get you on a ladder or something.
27:45You know, like, getting whatever looks like.
27:48It looks like a strain that would be fun.
27:48Now, I'm going to walk you down very quickly on this work and getting something.
27:48And so that's when we go up here, we can also go back emergency room.
27:48Through here, try and cover, covering something,
27:49Well, I'm gonna go not because of these things here.
27:49You know, that er, you know,
27:53take your knowledge and ready for the night before.
27:54It's probably not to not be precise.
27:54You know, but I'm going to Droester the ticket.
28:00I'm so sorry I had to be so hard on you.
28:04So you're going back to work, then?
28:06Well, you know, just when they're busy.
28:08It's great, isn't it?
28:09Yeah. Get you out from under my feet.
28:19Mum?
28:20Yeah?
28:21Will you explain again about the house pricey mortgagey thing?
28:24Oh, Tash.
28:26No, seriously. Want to know?
28:28No, no, no. You're all right staying here.
28:31No, I want to know.
28:33Oh, all right.
28:35I'll have to cash in the attic.
28:58Let's say strawberry jam and all the different varieties.
29:03Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
29:08oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
29:08oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
29:08oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
29:08oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
29:08oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
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