- 3 minutes ago
1990 SITCOM "After a resident dies alone, Tom puts himself forward as a counsellor to aid and comfort the terminally ill. A new female resident arrives and has afternoon delight with Basil; some time later, Basil seems to be dying and Tom rushes to counsel him, but he is merely suffering from exertion after his interlude with the lady. " IMDB Starring Stephanie Cole, Graham Crowden, Daniel Hill, Janine Duvitski, Andrew Tourell, Sandra Payne
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TVTranscript
00:28Satsang with Mooji
00:52A man that is born of a woman
00:55hath but a short time to live
00:57and is full of misery.
01:00He cometh up and is cut down like a flower.
01:04He fleeth as it were a shadow
01:07and never continueth in one stay.
01:11In the midst of life we are in death.
01:16Of whom may we seek for succor
01:18but of thee, O Lord,
01:21who for our sins...
01:27I have to go.
01:28It's an important meeting.
01:30What did he say?
01:31He says if he doesn't shut up
01:33and show a bit of respect
01:34we're quite at liberty to beat him to a pulp
01:36and bung him in on top of old Sid here.
01:39Go, yes.
01:41We'll see you back at the ranch.
01:44Come on, Jane.
01:46Harvey.
01:46He's not a resident any more.
01:49The new job is with the living
01:50and with me.
01:52It's Harvey.
02:00Have you forgotten the words?
02:02Certainly.
02:03Well, get on with it then.
02:06Shut us thy merciful ears,
02:09but spare us, Lord, most holy.
02:11Farce.
02:12O God, most mighty.
02:13Or not Sid.
02:14O holy and merciful saviour.
02:14Where's his family that he never existed?
02:16And thou, most worthy judge of her.
02:18It's not Sid.
02:19Suffer us not at our last hour.
02:22It's Harry Palmer.
02:22For any pains of death
02:23will fall from the moon.
02:24Are you sure?
02:26Oh, I couldn't stand Harry Palmer.
02:31Are you staying?
02:33Oh, yes.
02:35I didn't mind, old Harry.
02:36Harry?
02:37Harry Palmer.
02:39The name of the deceased is Esme Walters.
02:42Harry Palmer was this morning.
02:45Oh.
02:46Oh, dear.
02:48I didn't know this lady.
02:50Are you staying then?
02:52Oh, yes.
02:54How do you do, Miss Walter?
02:57I am sorry we didn't meet before this.
03:01Never too late to make a new friend.
03:03Do continue.
03:06Like as a father pitieth his own children,
03:09even so is the Lord merciful unto them that fear him.
03:11For he knoweth whereof we are made.
03:14He remembereth that we are but dust.
03:19Poor old Harry.
03:21Another green bottle falls off the wall?
03:24Yes.
03:25Into the hole in the bottle bank.
03:27Little chance of recycling?
03:30Oh, Harry will be recycled.
03:31He was a Buddhist.
03:32Since when?
03:33Since Wednesday.
03:35He joined the whole lot just in case.
03:38Buddhists, Catholics, Greek Orthodox, even the Hare Krishnas dropped in.
03:42But he hated them.
03:43All that chanting.
03:45Right.
03:45Push off, he said.
03:48In fact, that was the last thing he said,
03:51as one of the silly sods tripped over his life support need.
03:54Is that true?
03:56No.
03:59Pity.
04:00It has a certain glorious irony to it.
04:03Oh, Harry was a good man.
04:05He'll probably return as a humble peasant toiling in the fields.
04:08Why?
04:09Well, that's it they reckon is the last step before nirvana.
04:13The simple, uncomplicated peasant.
04:16Bollocks.
04:20That idea was invented by the rich bastards to keep the simple peasants happy in their rotten, soggy fields.
04:27Believe me, I've been in a paddy.
04:29You're always in a paddy.
04:32A rice paddy, you ding-a-ling.
04:35If being a simple peasant is the top notch on the wheel of life, you can stuff it.
04:40Diana, you have no soul.
04:42Tom, souls don't exist.
04:45If that's only your opinion, you should keep it to yourself.
04:47Rubbish.
04:48It's my holy mission in life, to blow raspberries at other holy missions.
04:52But has it ever occurred to you you might be wrong?
04:55Why should it never occur to any of them?
04:57Is it possibly the Church of England?
05:00Poor old souls.
05:01They don't even know which way it's up.
05:03Never mind whether God's black, white, or green with three heads.
05:06Oh, come on, Diana.
05:07Stop it.
05:08You must not blaspheme.
05:10You'll be struck by a lightning bolt.
05:13In fact, I think I'll stand over here.
05:17Never too sure about the old divine accuracy.
05:20Oh, God, it's so daft.
05:21Doesn't happen.
05:22Look.
05:25Come on, God.
05:27You heard me.
05:28I don't believe in you.
05:30How about a quick belt of the old megavolt frizzle-frazzle?
05:34Diana, for God's sake.
05:35I mean, for your sake.
05:37Take no notice, God.
05:39She's old.
05:40She's senile.
05:41She's quite gaga.
05:42Oh, no, I'm bloody not.
05:44Oh, yes, she is.
05:45Oh, no, I'm not.
05:46Oh, yes, she is.
05:47I'm not.
05:48Is.
05:48Come on, you big bully.
05:51Blow me away.
05:52She's drunk.
05:53You don't exist.
05:54She had a terrible childhood.
05:56She's just kidding.
05:57Oh, no, I'm not.
05:58Yes, she is.
05:59Oh, no, I'm not.
06:00Yes, she is.
06:00Oh, no, I'm not.
06:02I have no returns.
06:13Who are you shouting at?
06:15What?
06:16Oh, no one in particular.
06:18Just having a bit of a shout.
06:20She was yelling at God again.
06:22Oh, you don't have to shout to be heard by God, Diana.
06:26God is omnipresent.
06:28And he's all around us.
06:31Oh, God is a nosy so-and-so.
06:34Oh, Diana.
06:35Look, what do you want, Jane?
06:37Or did you just drop in for a bit of light simpering?
06:40Don't you be rude to Jane.
06:42She is the way she is.
06:43There's no need to make it worse for her.
06:45Thank you, Tom.
06:49Will you speak your purpose, woman?
06:51I just wanted to explain about leaving the grave.
06:55Leaving the grave?
06:57Yes.
06:58Like Lazarus?
06:59No, me.
07:02And when did you leave the grave, Jane?
07:04This afternoon.
07:06And when did you die?
07:08I haven't died, Tom.
07:10Well, that's cheating, Jane.
07:11You can't rise from the dead if you haven't died.
07:14I mean, Lazarus would never have got his top billing in the Bible
07:17if he'd come out of the tomb saying,
07:18Hello, I've just risen from the dead.
07:22Would everyone knew he'd been down at the pub?
07:25You can't cheat your way into world history, Jane.
07:29Can't you, Diana?
07:29Oh, absolutely not.
07:31I was referring to my premature departure from the graveside this afternoon.
07:36And what was Harvey's important engagement?
07:39Oh, he had to see his tailor.
07:40Oh, good, I am glad.
07:42We may all be dropping like flies,
07:44but at least we can be happy in the knowledge
07:46that Harvey will see us off in the best that polyester can offer.
07:50Oh, please, Diana.
07:51Diana, I came to talk about Harry and his death.
07:55Well, what about it?
07:56Well, we don't want it to happen again.
07:58I don't suppose it will happen again?
08:00Not while Harry remains dead.
08:02No, I mean we don't want people dying on their own.
08:06Oh, you mean you want us to pop off in groups?
08:09No, I mean into the miniboss and over the nearest cliff.
08:14She means that a dying person should not be alone.
08:18Yes, and there should be more than four people
08:20around the graveside.
08:22And those people should be at the right grave
08:24at the right time.
08:25Yes.
08:26Surrounded by friends and relatives.
08:28Right.
08:29And little children.
08:30Yes.
08:30And passing revelers, jugglers, acrobats,
08:34clowns and people with webbed feet.
08:36Oh, shut up.
08:38It's a horrible idea.
08:39The last thing you want when you're trying to eke out
08:41your final gasps is a bunch of bloody sightseers
08:44snuffling around,
08:46whipping things off your mantelpiece.
08:48Now, help with that.
08:49When I go, I want to go solo.
08:51Thank you very much.
08:52Oh, well, you're just very odd, Diana.
08:55I'm sure Tom wouldn't want to be on his own.
08:58Absolutely not.
08:59I'm going to be attended by
09:01a phalanx of Viking warriors.
09:04Oh, what?
09:05Don't ask.
09:07I'm going to have a Viking funeral
09:09tied to the mast of my ship
09:10and shoved off into the mists.
09:12Farewell, Tom Dragonslayer,
09:15ye noble raper and pillager.
09:19Well, pillager at any rate.
09:22Don't approve of the rape, but
09:24never understood why they had to go together.
09:26And which did you do first?
09:28You wouldn't want to be raping
09:29while the others were pillaging.
09:33Burning rafters crashing down on your bouncing bum.
09:38Jane, will you please say
09:40what you came to say
09:41or we'll all be dead?
09:43Well, I think...
09:44Yes?
09:45I think we should care more for each other.
09:49Well, that's it, is it?
09:50That's your great message?
09:52Yes.
09:53How wet.
09:54Well, I think it's a very good idea.
09:57I want to make it official policy.
09:59And what does our favourite enema say about that?
10:02Well, Harvey says...
10:04Harvey is happy to discuss any new ideas.
10:08And long and it doesn't cost him anything.
10:09There's far too much isolation round here.
10:13We should all be reaching out to each other,
10:16talking, feeling, loving one another,
10:20so that never again does a resident reach that final hour
10:24without oodles of love and companionship
10:28to help them on their way
10:30across the great, shining plain.
10:33Here, here.
10:35I'm with you, Jane.
10:36Oh, good, Tom.
10:37Diana?
10:38I think I'm going to be sick.
10:42Voila, Antonio.
10:44An ultra weed.
10:46Pulle it up.
10:49C'est le clover.
10:51C'est très mal pour l'herbe.
10:55God, dismal Lisbon riffraff.
10:58Oh, bloody back.
11:02Do something, you fool.
11:06Fait quelque chose, crétin.
11:10Hide-moi.
11:16Bastard.
11:18God.
11:20Jane.
11:21Anyone.
11:22Is there anyone still alive?
11:24Hello, Diana.
11:27Hello, Basil.
11:29Talking to the grass, are you?
11:31Help me to that seat.
11:32Oh, okay, then.
11:35Come on, then.
11:39Bad back, is it?
11:40No, Basil, it's an ingrowing toenail.
11:43Can you see?
11:45Oh, what brought this on?
11:47Well, I have a nasty little pseudo-arthritic complaint, which is kept at bay with steroids.
11:54But they make my bones very brittle.
11:57Ah.
11:57Ah.
11:59Ah, there.
12:04Like me to give you a massage?
12:06No, I would not, a clither little beast.
12:09You all know about the Basil Makepeace Massage Parlour, thank you.
12:12I give a lot of pleasure and comfort.
12:14Don't boast.
12:16That's all I was there for any good at.
12:18Well, don't try it with me.
12:19Oh, I wouldn't with you, Diana.
12:21God forbid.
12:22It must be terrifying in bed.
12:24What does it mean?
12:26Oh, he's yelling and shouting and giving people orders.
12:29Is there any other way?
12:32Oh, where's Tom?
12:36He's going around asking people how they feel.
12:39See?
12:42What's he up to?
12:43Oh, God knows.
12:44I shouldn't think he's too sure either.
12:47Well, I must be off.
12:49There's a new girl, Tess, in number five.
12:52She's giving me the eye.
12:54He laughs.
12:56It's in training.
12:58You wait, Basil.
12:59The hardline feminists will get you.
13:01One day you'll be hacked to bits by boiler-suited viragos outside your shirt makers.
13:06I'll get Tom to give you a hand.
13:08Hmm.
13:18Oh, no.
13:21No, no, it's not good, Jane.
13:23No, Harvey.
13:25What's not good?
13:26What, the profit forecast for the coming financial year?
13:29Oh, they don't look too bad.
13:31Yes, but they used to be massive.
13:33I mean, these sort of places used to knock the spots off pine forests and offshore stuff.
13:38And it was legal, too.
13:40No.
13:41Well, frankly, Jane, there's got to be a bit of belt-tightening.
13:44The board of directors met in Antigua the other day, and they made some executive decisions.
13:51Now, Jane, instead of salary, how do you feel about points and the net profits?
13:58What does that mean?
14:00Well, you'd work harder to cut costs, starting with your own salary.
14:05Well, everything's cut to the bone as it is.
14:07Well, maybe...
14:08Yes, maybe we could cut back on the quality of the food, and then they'd eat less.
14:12It'd shorten their stay here, though, Harvey.
14:14Well, that's another thing, Jane.
14:16Turn around.
14:19No, not you, Jane.
14:20Turn around at the residence.
14:22Every time one dies, it takes too long to get them out, get the place released, and the cash flow
14:26rolling in again.
14:28There must be a bit of dignity and decorum, Harvey.
14:31Dignity is an expensive luxury, Jane.
14:34And there's certainly no profit in decorum.
14:37What-ho!
14:38Oh, do come in, Tom.
14:39Don't bother to knock.
14:41Yes, why don't you sit down?
14:44Well, what can I do for you?
14:45The care for the dying program.
14:47I'm sorry, Tom.
14:48We can't afford a resident counsellor.
14:49You don't have to.
14:51I'm going to do it.
14:52Oh, dear.
14:53I can't afford to pay you either.
14:55Well, I don't want any money.
14:56I just want to help my fellow prisoners.
14:59Residents, Tom.
15:01Residents.
15:03You mean you do the job with no financial benefit to yourself?
15:06It's called voluntary service, Harvey.
15:10Fascinating.
15:10Voluntary service.
15:12Well, you should think about that, Jane.
15:15Tom, this job needs somebody with training.
15:18Nonsense.
15:19If Tom wants to do it for free, he's trained enough for me.
15:22In fact, I think I'll put it in the new brochure.
15:24The Bayview Retirement Village.
15:26Let us help you die.
15:29What do you think, Jane?
15:30Oh, Harvey.
15:31So, what have you got there, Tom?
15:33This is my survey.
15:35It's very important.
15:36It's also very private.
15:40Tom.
15:43I know you mean well, but if you are untrained,
15:46I fear you may do more harm than good
15:49by counselling the dying without knowing what you're doing.
15:52Jane, I'm not daft, I'm not callous,
15:55and I'm certainly not stupid.
15:56I'm going to get some training.
15:59Community Centre, Mont-Brave.
16:09What's he up to?
16:17Coping with death and informal discussion.
16:20That sounds like a bundler laugh.
16:22Psychotherapy is seldom a brief process.
16:25Yes.
16:30Excuse me, are you the dying lot?
16:33No, we're Lesbian Awareness.
16:34A dying partner.
17:09Dying?
17:10No, quite healthy, actually.
17:11But we know what you mean.
17:13Do come in and join us.
17:16Now, as I was saying, in coping with the terminally ill, there are no rules.
17:25You let them call the shots.
17:27Whatever they want is fine.
17:28You let them have it.
17:29Why don't they want to go skiing?
17:32Sorry?
17:34Why don't they want to do something they're absolutely incapable of?
17:38Firstly, you let them decide just what they're capable of.
17:40But what if it's a totally loopy idea?
17:43Running the marathon on half a lung or something?
17:46Tell them they're crazy.
17:47Nicely, of course.
17:49Oh, yes, of course.
17:51Now, the other main thing is listening.
17:53Listen, listen, listen.
17:55For hours, days if necessary.
17:58Let them get it all off their chests, even if it means they're repeating themselves every five minutes.
18:03I'm a very good listener.
18:04Good.
18:05Now, there are a few practices.
18:06In fact, listening's about all I'm good at these days.
18:10Now, when it comes to me...
18:11I've been a good listener ever since I was a lad.
18:13My mother used to say to me, Tom, you're a great listener.
18:17Yes.
18:19Fine.
18:20Now, we're...
18:20And now I spend hours listening to you by now.
18:24Well, I'm a terrific listener.
18:26Well, would you mind listening to me for a minute?
18:28Of course.
18:29Yes.
18:30Absolutely.
18:31I'm sorry.
18:34Now...
18:34You'll find I'm a very good listener.
18:38Now, let's move on to the late terminal stages, where a patient is to all intents in a non-communicating
18:44coma state.
18:45Remember this one thing.
18:47You don't know whether they can hear you or not, so don't say anything you wouldn't say to their faces.
18:52Like how they don't like the Swedish.
18:56What?
18:57Well, that might upset them.
19:01Why?
19:02Well, they might be Swedish.
19:08I think we'll break for a cup of tea now.
19:14So, your husband was a bank manager, eh?
19:18Well, that's a real coincidence, Tess, because, as it happens, I'm very good at massage.
19:31That's who they should put in the brochure, you know.
19:34Basil, the sex pistol.
19:40Never mind your counselling for the dying.
19:42Just tell the old ducks they'll get the best servicing this side of the grave.
19:45They'll be climbing over the wall.
19:48Don't be vulgar, Diana.
19:50Mind you, if that one gets up steam, we may never see the little beggar again.
19:54Diana!
19:55Sorry?
19:56What were you saying?
19:57Well?
19:58I wonder if we ought to buy him some distress flares.
20:01Diana!
20:02I'm sorry, you carry on.
20:04Do you want to know about my survey, or don't you?
20:06Oh, just tell me about your boring survey.
20:09Well, as a former accountant and statistician, I've interviewed the residents,
20:12read their personalities, medical histories, and sorted them into types,
20:16from which I can predict their probable lifespans.
20:20Well, you mean you've worked out a timetable, or am I going to snot it?
20:23Sort of.
20:24How grotesque.
20:25So, from this list, I can work out who I ought to be counselling for their meeting with Mr. Grim
20:32Reaper, Esquire.
20:33You're mad as a cut snake.
20:35Never heard anything, Sir Darth, predicting who's going to die when.
20:38Just sup your soup and shut up.
20:41Counselling smungselling.
20:47Diana.
20:48What?
20:49You've led a very full and rewarding life, haven't you?
20:53I'll bloody kill you.
20:57Yes, well, I think it's very admirable, Dad.
21:00Don't you dare?
21:02What?
21:02That's counselling.
21:04On the council? I didn't know who was on the council.
21:06No, dear.
21:07Counselling.
21:08Talking to people who need help.
21:10I do not need help, I'm fine.
21:13Well, I'm fine.
21:15Everything's totally under control.
21:17Is she all right?
21:19I mean all right within the very limited terms one would use the word in relation to Marion.
21:23She's breaking in a new tranquiliser.
21:26Seems to be working.
21:29What were you saying about high-risk groups, Dad?
21:32Yes, well, I check with a few quacks and my field work is pretty accurate.
21:37Oh, fascinating.
21:37And where would I come on your risk ladder?
21:39Oh, you're way down low in the list, Geoffrey.
21:43Non-smoking, non-drinking, stamp collecting, liberal democrat.
21:47You'll live for years and do absolutely nothing.
21:51So there's something to be said for being me after all.
21:53I didn't say that.
21:56What about Marion? What's her risk factor?
22:00Don't let her start any long shopping lists.
22:05Tom!
22:06Tom!
22:07Out here!
22:09What is it?
22:10It's Basil.
22:11What?
22:11I think you'd better come.
22:12Oh!
22:13What happened?
22:15I don't know.
22:16Oh!
22:17Widow Twanky there probably rolled over and flattened the poor little chap.
22:21Have you put a crack?
22:23Harvey's a bit concerned about the circumstances.
22:26What?
22:27Well, it wouldn't look too good in the papers.
22:30Pensioners.
22:31Well, you know.
22:34Thingy all over the place.
22:36Coronaries.
22:37Get the doctor at once, you bloody fool!
22:39All right.
22:40All right.
22:41Jane, get Tess back to her place.
22:43And not a word to anyone.
22:45This is a respectable retirement village.
22:47Not a geriatric knocking shop.
22:52Has he gone?
22:54No, he's still with us.
22:57Daz?
22:58Can you hear me?
23:01Daz?
23:04He may be on the brink.
23:05Oh my God.
23:07He's probably half in and half out.
23:09Of what?
23:10Of his body.
23:11The transition phase is called.
23:13I expect he's hovering about above us.
23:15Watching all this.
23:17Basil.
23:17Stop frigging about and get the bloody hell out there.
23:21That's not the way to do it.
23:23His going must be a warm experience.
23:26What do you mean?
23:27You gonna set fire to him?
23:28No.
23:29Just be quiet.
23:33Basil, chum.
23:34You have every reason to be happy.
23:37A great life.
23:39A great life.
23:39Lived.
23:40Travelled.
23:41Loved.
23:42Definitely loved.
23:43Remember, we love you too.
23:46Most profoundly.
23:48Don't we, Diana?
23:49Love?
23:50Him?
23:50Yes.
23:52He's all right, I suppose.
23:56Kiss him, Diana.
23:59Me?
24:00Yes.
24:05Well, now what are we supposed to do?
24:08Hold hands and concentrate our spiritual energies.
24:16Oh, come on.
24:17Hold hands.
24:19His.
24:20As well.
24:22And concentrate.
24:26Mmm.
24:28This is rubbish, Tom.
24:30Surely we should be bashing him on the chest or something.
24:32Just do it, woman.
24:33The man is dying.
24:37Mmm.
24:39Christ.
24:41Mmm.
24:44Goodness, loved God and the power of light to be with you, Basil.
24:50Mmm.
24:52Ditto.
24:58Help!
25:05Well, it wasn't my fault.
25:06Of course it was.
25:07You were the one who came running in in a panic and a flat doodle.
25:09Well, you're supposed to be the expert.
25:11Well, I don't think he was asleep.
25:14I think it was our combined prayers for him that brought him back.
25:18He said he was asleep.
25:19He denied all knowledge of floating round the light fittings.
25:24He said he woke up to find a couple of nutters by his bedside.
25:30You were far too hasty.
25:32Yes.
25:33You're probably right.
25:36I remember when I lived with Marion and Geoffrey,
25:39all I had to do was to nod off in front of the telly
25:41and she was out with the measuring tape and the embalming flew in.
25:47Ambulances.
25:48Doctors.
25:49Randy Midgett was just having a kip.
25:52I felt very silly.
25:54Would you have preferred that if he had really died?
25:56Yes, absolutely.
25:57Would have been a lot less embarrassing.
26:00Look, in the future, if he wishes to bonk himself into oblivion,
26:04and just let him sleep it off in his own good time.
26:10Oh, Diana.
26:12You're such a wonderful person.
26:14I think when you die you should be stuffed and mounted.
26:20Like an eagle with talons on a branch and a dead stoat in your mouth.
26:25What, oh Jane, has Widow Tess got over her palpitations yet?
26:30Jane?
26:31I tucked her in.
26:33She was really glad that Basil was fine.
26:36She went to sleep with a smile on her face.
26:39And?
26:40And then she passed away in her sleep.
26:44Oh.
26:46Have you called her family?
26:48No, she hasn't any.
26:50She was all alone.
26:53Well, we'll have to put that to rights.
26:57In the midst of life, we are in death.
27:00Of whom may we seek for succour?
27:03What of thee, O Lord?
27:05Who for our sins art justly displeased?
27:12The Lord's holy, O Lord, most mighty.
27:15The Lord's holy, O Lord, most mighty, O holy in this person's of here.
27:18The still band's a bit over the top.
27:20Oh, I didn't even find any rankings.
27:25Oh, nice Lord, the secrets of our hearts.
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