- 6 hours ago
First broadcast 16th April 2010.
The second of two compilation shows featuring the best bits of Series G and some never-before-seen bits of interestingness.
The second of two compilation shows featuring the best bits of Series G and some never-before-seen bits of interestingness.
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TVTranscript
00:00we'd like you to draw now you should have a card if you haven't sawn it in
00:04half we're going to draw the world's first novelty so it always draft in here
00:16it turns out what did I ask you to draw draw the world's first novelty teeth
00:21Danny we're listening that's very good yeah when you asked me it's still in the
00:26middle all right we're going drawing the world's first you mean we're inventing
00:30one or there is one that we should know about this is nice I like it when the
00:37class get on with their pieces this is the front is texting a friend do you know
00:46that rhyme I'm a little teapot short and stout here's my handle oh bugger I'm a
00:52sugar bowl
01:01how are you doing is everyone ready to show yet yes David you look as if you
01:05finished yeah I'm finished I'm very pleased with it is it an Indian goddess or a crab
01:11it's a novelty teapot oh yes but I thought they have a lot of tea in India and
01:17their vague goddess is a bit like that and one thing the best bit the sort of
01:21business end of a teapot is the spout so someone might have invented one with lots
01:26of spouts multiple spots you have to pretty much surround it and that's that
01:32thing on the front that looks like an ear which is not an ear that's the sort of
01:36the handle handle does it come with a cream to treat scolding and burns no but
01:42it came in a society in which the burning of various members of it was not
01:46considered important by those in charge good point good satirical point what
01:51have you got then Rob what I've done so I've come up with a thing called handy
01:54tea so it's a teapot this actually all jokes aside this could be a goer this the
02:01finger is cocking a snook to authority so that will appeal to the youngsters but the
02:05rest of it and I've called it handy tea yes then which finger exactly that's a
02:10thumb that's no weird you're absolutely a very weird unless it's a left hand which
02:16is just five fingers
02:19you're absolutely right yes it's not anatomically go
02:29contents may differ upon delivery anyway but I think you'd have to agree there's
02:35something for everyone I think it's very wise of you to have signed it yes I would
02:41have nicked that idea leave the recording at this point to make your eyes on it
02:46Dara what have you got and it's supposed to be an Egyptian character oh yes yes I
02:52thought you wanted the first one I want some historic and the Egyptian
02:54characters doing them traditional Egyptian hieroglyphic thing but that it
02:59pours out of this arm fortunately I don't know I can't draw Egyptian clothes so I've
03:03made him wear a small tuxedo
03:07and a little dicky bow so he's an Egyptian on the way to some sort of black tie
03:11event maybe the opening of a pyramid you've not only signed it you've actually put a
03:17copyright because I'm just in case that isn't the correct answer I think that's
03:21actually superb I just say to David I've also now copyrighted no very good
03:25well done oh you have to put the date if you copyright something
03:30shh you think I should copyright mine oh I wouldn't bother I'd say save the ink
03:40Alan what have you don't know what I've done is I've done a bloke with a beak and he and
03:45he's it's a long tall pot oh yes you can feel the feet as well it will stand there that's
03:51his arm
03:52and then it'll all come out of his that works feet and then this little baseball cap that's the lid
03:59the only drawback here is you will need long thin tea bags
04:04I think that's going to be a hell of a difficult thing to clean but you shouldn't clean a teapot
04:10don't clean a teapot you don't clean the teapot you should never clean a teapot under no circumstance
04:25I sense a hypothetical situation
04:29this is not a hypothetical situation I've only ever used a teapot for tea but occasionally if you
04:34make sort of tea in a teapot once in a blue moon when you can be bothered in a vague
04:38attempt to
04:38seem more civilized than you actually are you still got a bit of tea in it oh yeah you rinse
04:44it out
04:44no you don't rinse that because you forget because immediately you're tired of being
04:47civilized and you want to go to the pub for weeks and weeks and months and months and then
04:52when you have a look in it it's gone disgustingly molded and it's talking to you yeah
04:56at that point at that point the flavor that you would get if you didn't wash it for your next
05:01cup
05:01of tea is if anything too characterful there is an animal that uses the golden spiral shape to capture
05:11its prey big cats no if I use looping around to avoid I use the word dryer will that help
05:17turning
05:18and turning and the widening gyre otters does that mean anything to you otters
05:25the falcon cannot hear the falconer is it a cow's fall apart the center cannot hold
05:30Stephen yeah is it a cow I thought you hadn't heard sorry no no no no no it sounds like
05:37I haven't
05:37heard the falconer is it a falcon you are bad yes a falcon a gyre falcon it uses that shape
05:44too
05:45because it has this very strong center part it allows it to keep its head still I thought a falcon
05:49does that I thought you know to run its eyes the way it flies run in a circle I thought
05:54you said
05:54about the falcon and the mouse because the barley can't hear say again well the mouse hunts the barley
06:02doesn't it the mouse hunts the barley well mice eat barley oh I see yes you were talking about the
06:08falcon oh yes walk out here and the mouse can hear the falcon but the barley can't hear the mouse
06:13no
06:15no really the mouse could approach the barley straight off but it doesn't
06:22he's hunter yeah in a way if they're not even if the barley could hear the mouse it's not much
06:27you
06:27could do about it I'm almost certain that at some point the alarm clock is going to go off and
06:37I
06:37gotta go god that was a weird nightmare yeah but as medical science moves on barley will develop legs
06:44obviously and the mice has had the foresightedness to to to learn to hunt his prey should you know
06:52jam crops develop further than the mulch's capabilities so is that what my say to each
06:58other they say thank god when the barley develops legs then it's death of course he does it doesn't
07:05benefit the barley to not be eaten no it needs barley wants to be they're certain oh oh that's why
07:13they use why the fruit hangs on the tree and glows brightly yeah I've always looked at barley and gone
07:19tart so so maybe he has got legs but just doesn't use them just hides them on the ground maybe
07:28barley
07:29stalks mice you mean oh he's a slut right now everyone could roll their tongues for me very good and
07:45get a close
07:54I think it's supposed to be an illustration of a child of two geniuses may not necessarily
07:59be easy yes rolling tongues where does that gift come from a fish
08:13I do you ask yes I did and you get an answer you avoided the trap which was to say
08:19from your parents
08:19that it's genetically handed down and it's not it's one of these things that some people can do and some
08:24people can't and it isn't related to the fact that if you come to parents who can do it you
08:28will
08:28therefore be able to do it and there are other things that some people can do and some people
08:32can't like asparagus and urine does it make your urine smell it makes everyone's urine smell no it
08:39doesn't maybe not ladies yeah mostly women don't have them I mean can you put your hand up if you've
08:44never noticed an effect of asparagus in the smell of your urine weird you've never noticed some people
08:52don't you see and that's quite a lot of you you've hardly finished chewing I know it's always
08:55and then you're peeing and it stinks they used to call it they used to call it other diners are
09:01pointing
09:01at you they used to call it housemates despair because the next morning if someone had had asparagus the
09:12housemate would take down the chamber pot like ow I just want to say I find maybe I'm wrong maybe
09:18this is I find the smell of urine quite distasteful anyway believe me if you've got stinky pee you need
09:26to see someone there's something wrong with you it doesn't make you go where I go I'll not drink that
09:45but I was a child sugar puffs made it smell of sugar puffs to me
10:08people are a lot more interested in their we than they'll admit
10:13that's certainly true I think they'll say what are you interested in what comes out of them
10:17I think in general not in a kind of a icky way but there is an element of issues
10:24I just wanted to make the point where you ask someone about their interests they'll say you know
10:27walking cinema books they won't say well primarily you're right smell of my own fart time
10:35you know they don't come all the time so I while away the rest of the time with cinema books
10:39and
10:39long work if I could just fart all day and smell it I would be a fascinated man
10:46you're so right and I think most psychologists would agree with you and say it is true but it's an
10:51unspoken
10:51answer to anyone on earth when they've just farted and smelt it who is bored
11:00you know what that means it means when you see someone reading and they're reading a book and
11:04they're reading a book and if they go like that they're not thinking about the book they just let one
11:13go
11:21now why don't we have more women as guests on qi you may know is it because women are
11:34just not funny hmm no that's right but we're good at other things we're good at raising kittens and
11:40knitting cakes I've heard this a lot I've heard that women aren't funny and I think there's a truth
11:46in this I think that there is a scientific possibly relationship between a sense of humor and the
11:53male sex organ people are always laughing at mine yeah well they are is this to do with the fact
12:02that
12:02that people always say there aren't as many female comedians as there are men because you know what
12:09there are loads of female comedians is just that we just don't see them because they're systematically
12:14rounded up and kept in a pen just outside heritage yes heritage but you can go and see them and
12:22you
12:22can adopt them online you can go and you can visit them and you can feed them lines and you
12:26might get a
12:27joke back sometimes and then sometimes some of them escape and they disguise themselves as male comedians
12:33but you can always tell which ones the male comedians is the ones with the beards just like life of
12:38brian
12:39bill bailey bill bailey nearly a woman but you know they very it's really rare to be allowed to sit
12:45next to a female comedian I don't know what they're worried that our cycles will suddenly synchronize
12:54because once you get them started they don't shut up
13:06but here's a good gag what sort of person wears one of these
13:13you try it on yourself if you like oh this is a tongue thing yeah it's the only lady talking
13:28I can't remember what they're called that's it what pony boy come in this answer I don't know pony boy
13:33yes excuse me that's it oh I say it fits you rather well oh and it's like you're having an
13:44idea
13:52I don't know what to my room actually don't bother to have him scrub
14:07it's like a quick okay quick triangle so close let's do the letters one today
14:24okay good lord it's easy to device used for pigs when they're constipated I'm pretty sure that's why
14:52the other punishment the more common punishment was it what's called a cucking stool which is often
14:58called the ducking stool quite wrongly it is actually a cucking stool but excuse me it's it's that's the wrong
15:03word
15:03it's not
15:05get me off the cucking stool
15:09fancy castles I know they're the best
15:13well I hide one for my son's fifth but oh what all the kids are gone
15:18oh yeah oh there we go
15:21what do you do you just fling yourself about it's brilliant
15:24and actually when they set the fancy castle up they set it up for me and they handed me the
15:29safety
15:29instructions and I was trying to read the safety instructions
15:34all these kids bouncing around and within two minutes one kid got mullered in the face you know
15:40you know bleeding and about a few hours later some parents came to pick the kids up and the safety
15:47instructions for the bouncy castle were on the table with blood on it
15:54what was that yeah uh yeah it's fine it went fine
15:58presumably like those slides on aeroplanes in emergencies they tell people take off their high heels
16:03yes imagine would it be an important first step
16:05come on kids take your high heels off
16:07obviously yes
16:08I always used to get nosebleeds on them and someone would always wee on those things
16:13they're incredibly excited the young kids
16:15they are oh yeah they are
16:16and there's always a wet couch as if a puppy has been on their earth
16:21I'm just the wrong generation they didn't exist when I was a child
16:23really?
16:24no we had to make do with pigs and things
16:26big fat men
16:27big fat men?
16:33hey!
16:35how is he?
16:36hey!
16:37bouncing on the tummy
16:39yeah you remember
16:39uncle's tummy
16:40yeah
16:41come on
16:42the country face
16:43come on kids
16:44come on
16:44we're going out the sumo park
16:46come on
16:47someone's wee'd on me
16:49yes
16:49the vicar has volunteered again
16:52but it's um
16:53come on vicar
16:57I've always seen the thing about parmesan
16:58you know when you buy parmesan
16:59I've never understood why it has a sell-by date on it
17:02because it just never goes off does it?
17:04you can put it on a rooftop in Nairobi
17:07for a year
17:08it's just nothing
17:09why do they have to have a sell-by date?
17:11so that you will destroy it and buy some more
17:13oh
17:14just like they say
17:15you buy cheese at the supermarket
17:17and it says consume within two days of opening or something
17:20yes
17:20what is the vast amount of how much cheese do you think I'm going to get through?
17:24why
17:25it's fine
17:26yeah
17:26they know it's fine
17:27plus it has a label on it saying 20 years aged
17:30yeah
17:31better on what you've sold two days before it's completely inedible
17:36yeah
17:38it is true
17:39it's gone off already
17:41I mean cheese basically hasn't it?
17:43well that's its point exactly
17:44it is the celebration of what happens when milk goes off big time styling
17:48yeah
17:48it should just
17:53I think you should work with the milk marketing boss
17:59get some lovely English milk gone off big time styling
18:13tomato sandwich
18:15that's a brilliant description
18:17that's the best description of cheese in the world
18:19but also aren't those sell-by dates are just over cautious aren't they?
18:23you could probably leave it for ages
18:25yeah they're just covering themselves in case you get ill
18:27get it out the bin a couple of weeks later
18:30put it down your pants go in the sauna
18:34Sean
18:35Sean
18:35take it out
18:36Sean you obviously reshape it again
18:40Sean
18:41you're not alone there are people here
18:44you're saying it out loud
18:46you're not thinking it
18:49we had a tortoise once and it had a very very bad arthritis in its leg
18:52and they said we can actually operate and replace it with a wheel
18:57they do that don't they?
18:59yeah
18:59actually cast us so they can go in all directions
19:01oh
19:01did you do that?
19:02we thought about taking all these legs off and just putting wheels on all of them
19:06yeah that would have been wrong
19:07and then a little engine on the shelf
19:09what can we happen here?
19:11that's why on
19:11that's why on
19:12that's why on
19:13that's why on
19:14an aereo on a spring
19:15yeah
19:15well you can call them joints and peanuts on at parties
19:21I bet you couldn't do that
19:23I bet you someone would object if you motorised a tortoise
19:26you think?
19:27really?
19:28the RSPCA first
19:29because you can have lorries like tiny turtles
19:31you know what is it?
19:32Corona's gone mad
19:33you can't even mutilate a tortoise anymore
19:38you know who would have been a tortoise?
19:40vegetarian for the day
19:42it could keep its legs
19:43it could keep its legs
19:44I'm thinking of some slight
19:45like a big foot truck in America
19:46with big wheels that could be detached
19:48so that it could be a tortoise
19:50and run around and eat weeds
19:51and then
19:52its legs go up
19:53and then when you want it to go shopping
19:54you could just send it off to the shop
19:55a transformer tortoise
19:56yes
19:57and there's great big ones in the Galapagos Islands
20:01oh they're terrific
20:02they could bring quite big substantial pieces of furniture back for you
20:05they are
20:06he could put wings on them and they could take off
20:08they could
20:09yeah
20:09he could get those wheels just
20:11now the socks that that man in the middle is wearing are very long socks
20:18and er
20:19just out of interest for you
20:20that's something that I've turned to recently
20:22I now
20:23I now favour
20:24the longer socks
20:26can you take me through your reasoning?
20:29yes I can
20:29I'll show you
20:30the gentleman's sock
20:31the half hose
20:32it's called the half hose
20:33now
20:33now
20:33Joe
20:33you as a lady
20:35you're gonna think this sock is gonna stop
20:37a lot sooner than it does
20:39so
20:40what's
20:41what's this
20:41look at that
20:42surely
20:42surely
20:43surely
20:43surely
20:45surely
20:45surely
20:45surely
20:46surely
20:46surely
20:46surely
20:47surely
20:47surely
20:48surely
20:48surely
20:48surely
20:48he's wearing tights
20:51oh
20:54that's
20:54can I say
20:56not so much for Joe
20:57but Stephen
20:58Alan
20:59and Sean
21:00I urge you
21:01to give it a go
21:03mmm
21:03because it gives you a feeling of security
21:08they do make you look like a knobhead
21:11sorry
21:12roll off
21:13well one of the problems men have
21:15there's a problem men have Joe
21:17which is that we wear away the hair on our shins
21:20by tight short socks
21:22don't we
21:22is that one of the things you're afraid of
21:23yes
21:24by just carrying on the conversation
21:27you imply that you agree
21:29with what Joe
21:30what was going through my mind is how difficult it would ever be for a man to say that to
21:35a woman
21:35that's all
21:35and I thought I'm not going to go in that direction
21:37we allow women to be rude
21:38could you please come down on one side or the other here
21:41of my
21:42you're either with me or you're with her
21:44it's true but it's just as true
21:46that women make themselves look positively ridiculous occasionally
21:49it doesn't make you look cool
21:50put it that way
21:51nobody's going to go
21:52I'm going to get a pair of those
21:54well at the risk of turning this into ready steady cook
21:58why don't we let the audience decide
22:02all those who think Rob is really onto something with the gentleman's half hose
22:07as I believe they are technically called
22:09the long sock
22:09the bride and long sock
22:11could you please shout out
22:13long sock
22:14long sock
22:15oh it's not good
22:16that's not good
22:18I fear without having to ask
22:19there's no need to carry on
22:20no okay
22:21yeah
22:26there's a thing with Pascal's wager
22:28you know Blaise Pascal
22:29the French mathematician and philosopher
22:31he said well
22:32alright well let's just make a bet
22:33because if there is no God
22:36and there is no afterlife
22:37then when you die that's the end of it
22:39alright
22:39but supposing there is one
22:41and it may be an infinitesimal chance
22:43it may be billions to one
22:44that there's an afterlife
22:45but why not bet that there will be one
22:47because if you're wrong
22:48the same will happen
22:50nothing
22:51yes
22:51if you're wrong
22:52and you bet there isn't a God
22:54then you've got to poker up your bottom for eternity
22:56which is a real ball
22:57the nuns told me
22:58he knows what you're thinking
23:00yes
23:02that's it
23:03he knows
23:04yes
23:04so it's already
23:05as soon as you've made the bet
23:06you're already as good as it's dead
23:07you are
23:08but what
23:08if there's a third option
23:10and there is an afterlife
23:11but you only get to go to it if you were an atheist
23:14oh I love that one
23:17that's an amusing one
23:18because then you get all the Christians
23:20dead
23:21and then a load of bitter atheists going
23:23and worst of all I was wrong
23:29they've got eternity to worry about
23:31yeah exactly
23:31with these lovely angels
23:33offering them cream cakes
23:34you sod off
23:39what would you use this for
23:41I have a picture of them here
23:43oh
23:43right in the children
23:45it's a German invention
23:46you put a torch behind it
23:47and then you creep up into their bedroom at night
23:50when they're asleep
23:50you move it very slowly across the room
23:54it's a thing that is used in the lavatory
23:56in the WC
23:58no
23:58it's a habit
23:59it's for men to do something
24:01when they go to the lavatory
24:02it's to encourage them
24:03the seat
24:04anything to do with the seat
24:05it is to do with the seat
24:06to dive off it into the toilet
24:07no
24:08no
24:09noble guess
24:10but doomed
24:11no
24:12they sit down
24:13do they sit down in Germany
24:15it's if they lift the seat
24:16which
24:17men tend to do
24:18before having a pee
24:20this
24:20I have one here
24:22here it is
24:23hello
24:24this is your toilet speaking
24:25wouldn't you rather like to sit down
24:27oh
24:28you prefer to stand
24:29well then you may leave now
24:31good German men don't actually get to go to the toilet then do they
24:35no wonder they're wearing that lederhosen and slapping themselves in time
24:39no the point is
24:41in Germany they think it's somehow unhygienic because they're splashing and things
24:44they want the men to sit
24:46so it's like that's how it's attached
24:47so when you lift up the seat it starts speaking at you loud enough in a public laboratory
24:53for others to hear
24:55so then men sit and have a pee
24:56that's the idea
24:58well splashing is a problem
24:59we've got builders in at the moment and they're all using the lower loo
25:03it is like the centre parks log flume in there
25:08is that why
25:09is that why you've got the long socks
25:18do you know there's this thing that when you write an email at a certain time
25:22it makes you solve a mathematical puzzle before it will send it
25:27so that you kind of go
25:29you
25:29or you know I've always wanted to sleep with you or something
25:31you've sent to you know the prime minister or whatever
25:35and then you press send and they go
25:37I have to do it and you think
25:38oh god
25:38and by the time you've done anything
25:39oh my god thank god I didn't send that
25:42surprising test
25:43yeah or you could have another one that won't let you send it until the next morning
25:46when you have to come
25:46and then you look at it
25:47it's a very good idea
25:49isn't it
25:50yeah
25:50but then you if you were pissed you go
25:52I won't use that one
25:53I'll use a different one
25:54well there's gonna be
25:55there is that one
25:56yeah there are always ways around
25:57just bone them up
25:58yeah
26:01go round
26:02yeah go round
26:03that'd be better
26:05choke outside the window
26:07hey
26:07now you're in
26:09oh lord
26:11you've only just thrown me out
26:13yeah anyway that's
26:14you did that when you're pissed with a Ouija board
26:15contacting dead people going
26:17I'm glad you're dead
26:20I hated you and you were alive
26:23you were a pain in the arse
26:25you made my life of misery
26:26I've turned into a step over there
26:28he's saying
26:29what a cold
26:30do the Ouija boards
26:31are they outgoing as well?
26:33yeah
26:36what tariff are you on?
26:39you're gonna think I'm making this up
26:41but when I sit down
26:43if I'm wearing a heavy cord
26:45a jumbo cord for example
26:47one of the things that annoys me more than anything else
26:51how do you say anything?
26:52is when I put my trousers down and sit down
26:55sometimes it catches the long sock
26:57and takes it down to the
26:58oh
27:00oh
27:00horror
27:01and I sometimes will pull the sock off
27:03while I'm sitting there
27:04what a nightmare
27:04just to have that nice feeling of control
27:07of the sock reaching the knee
27:09you know what my dilemma is in that situation
27:11is what I often do
27:13is if I'm sitting on the toilet
27:14is I have to take my glasses off
27:15right
27:16because I don't like wearing them
27:17for distance
27:19I don't need them
27:20I'm sat there for a while
27:22I don't need my glasses
27:22so I often take my glasses off
27:24and the pants act like a little hammock
27:26for the girls
27:33it gets worse
27:34because what if I put them in there
27:36and then I might be sat there for some time
27:38because my diet isn't the healthiest
27:42I eat far more meat than I should
27:44and then sometimes
27:45so I might sit there for 10 or 15 minutes
27:46and then
27:47when I stand up finished
27:48I stand up to pull my trousers up
27:49I forget about my glasses
27:50oh no
27:51and I go
27:52oh my glasses
27:53and I've rammed my glasses
27:55deep into my under region
27:58whoa
27:59and er
28:00I clean this pair of these
28:01yeah
28:02I rock
28:04that's good
28:04and I move my glasses off
28:05I can see the mic
28:05and I see the mic
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