- 16 hours ago
EastEnders 13th April 2026
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:53Thank you very much.
00:57I'll say a little prayer for you because the theme is actually 60s chic, yeah?
01:02So this Maynetta slob look is not going to cut it, babe.
01:05Do you know what?
01:05I would rather a couple of wines in a McClunkey's Bonanza bucket if I'm honest.
01:09Do me a favour.
01:10Listen, you are not escaping the ritual of humiliation.
01:15It is tradition.
01:17Do you see?
01:17No, Patti's bring around your costume and we'll see you at Harry's Barn later.
01:21Yeah?
01:22Yeah.
01:22Come on, girls.
01:24Yes, come on.
01:29I'll just get a drink in a bit later.
01:32Yeah, pretty nice.
01:33Hey, Sam, coming to the hand-do?
01:35More the merrier?
01:36Oh, I'd love to, but I've, um, got plans.
01:39Yeah.
01:40Been in the diary for ages.
01:42Have fun, girls.
01:43Oh, yeah, all right.
01:45Let's do it.
01:46Let's do it.
01:46Let's do it.
01:53It seems real, eh?
01:57How can I be having a hand here when I don't even know if I should be getting married, eh?
02:02Come on.
02:07Thank you so much, Mum.
02:08Appreciate it.
02:09Uh, Lauren and Max won't be back from the auction till late and, well, you know what stag news are
02:13like.
02:13Yeah, I do.
02:14And if you end up in France, bring me back a Quetta Rosé.
02:18You don't miss a trick, do you?
02:19Never.
02:20And I get to watch Disney films with my favourite boys.
02:23Yes, Hercules.
02:25Oi, oi.
02:27Your stag news is going to be remembered for years to come.
02:30Well, that's kind of what I'm counting on, but what's in the bag?
02:33Handcuffs and mankinis?
02:41I really thought you and Ross would have sought this by now.
02:43Oh, nope.
02:45Brushed it under the carpet, didn't I?
02:47Didn't want to hurt him.
02:50He's paranoid that I'm going to run off with my secret bloke.
03:01I love him.
03:03And I don't want to live with his psycho son when he gets out.
03:06Then you've got to talk to Ross.
03:09Sorry.
03:11Interrupt, Saint.
03:12No.
03:13I was just on my way, mate.
03:23It's all very kind of you, but I am quite happy going on my own.
03:26And shouldn't you all be getting ready for the hen party anyway?
03:29I can do both.
03:30Listen, we've got to show Nigel how much we love him.
03:32Listen, ask Jasmine.
03:33She knew him.
03:34It's a carer.
03:34I'm not Disneyland.
03:36Listen, we want her to be part of the family.
03:38Include her, yeah?
03:39Go on.
03:40All right.
03:42Hi, Josh.
03:44Jasmine, we're going to see Nigel if he wanted to come with us.
03:47Oh.
03:48I mean, I know he ran you over and everything, but, you know.
03:51But it was an accident.
03:53Listen, we just want to show him that, you know, he's not forgotten.
03:56Yeah?
03:57I love nice.
03:57Can I come?
03:58Yeah.
03:58Yeah, of course.
03:59Come on.
04:00Oh, yeah.
04:00Yeah, then I'm in.
04:02Amazing.
04:02See you outside.
04:07Right.
04:08Anything you can say to Zach, you can say it to me.
04:14You said you didn't trust me, and you were right not to.
04:20Because I haven't been honest with you.
04:24Talk to me.
04:27I'm scared for us when Joel comes out.
04:33I don't know how we're going to fix it.
04:36We've got time to work something out.
04:38No, we don't.
04:39I don't want to go on my head with all the girls talking about my dream man if...
04:45If you're going to choose your son over me.
04:48It's not a choice.
04:49No, it is.
04:51Ross, I'm sorry, it is.
04:53If you want Joel living with you, then I won't be.
04:56Is this punishment because I said I didn't trust you?
04:58You know, you haven't got to blackmail me over me own son.
05:01I'm not.
05:01I respect your loyalty to Joel.
05:06I won't live with the boy who nearly killed me.
05:13Darn it.
05:16You've given me a lot to think about, okay?
05:19I don't want you to do any more thinking.
05:23I just want to know that you choose me.
05:25I want to marry you, don't I?
05:28Look, I don't have all the answers, Vic.
05:31Okay, all right?
05:32He's my son and you're the innocent party.
05:36Hello, Vic?
05:37Come on, I've got your head out for here.
05:41Are we going to do this in this thing, too?
05:46Yeah.
05:47Yeah.
05:54Nice outfit, by the way.
05:56Biggie said that if she had to dress up, so did I.
05:59Well, you've got enough booze to stand around, huh?
06:02Thanks for sorting this out, Pen.
06:03You've done us proud.
06:05Ladies!
06:06Oh!
06:07My mum and Sharon have paid for all the booze.
06:12I'm going to be a marriage.
06:13Oh, no, no, no, no!
06:14I'm not starting on the free booze before the hen gets ill.
06:17This is my only night off from being a mum.
06:20I want to let me out down.
06:21And that's just why you started on the booze hours ago, yes?
06:23Oh, sue me for wanting to party.
06:25I'll get me home.
06:26No, you're just kidding.
06:27So my, um, my Billy's taking me up the West End tomorrow.
06:32Hashtag blessed.
06:34Are we still saying that?
06:35I mean, hashtag, you know, couples goals.
06:37That's you and Billy, isn't it?
06:40Yeah.
06:41A bit like me and Howie, may I just add?
06:43Yeah.
06:44Oh, and me and Jack.
06:45Jack, I have to pinch myself when I think where we were a year ago.
06:48Hmm.
06:49Well, you know what that is, isn't it?
06:51It's the magical healing properties of not sleeping with other people.
06:55Shut up, Kim.
06:57I mean, you could have a couple's goals, couldn't you, if you got together with Ian.
07:01What do you think, ladies?
07:02Yeah.
07:03Yeah.
07:04And Denise didn't give you a few tips, because back in the day...
07:06Like I said, shut up, Kimberly.
07:09You know, I don't think I can take the risk, to be honest.
07:12Because I was in love once, but it didn't end well at all.
07:17Yeah.
07:17I mean, it's not like I'm demanding or anything.
07:19You know, all I want from my relationships is respect, compassion, laughter, chemistry, intellect, ambition, adoration.
07:30You know, just the basics, really.
07:31Just the basics.
07:32And for Samson's on a Wednesday would be nice.
07:35But, you know, not the red ones, because...
07:39I think you won't mind if we make a little start.
07:41No.
07:41No.
07:42I'll be just going to mind.
07:43No.
07:43It's good.
07:43Yeah.
07:44Yeah.
07:44Cheers.
07:45Cheers.
07:46Cheers.
07:46Cheers.
07:47Cheers.
07:50Oh, lovely.
07:51Come on, then.
07:52Give us a twirl.
07:53Really?
07:54Really.
07:55Good.
07:58Oh, you can be as miserable as your mother sometimes.
08:02Come on, then.
08:03What's up?
08:04Give me the wine, Kat.
08:11Me and Ross don't trust each other.
08:13Why?
08:14Is it all about this Zach business?
08:17Because you've got to put it all behind you, all right?
08:20It was just one kiss.
08:24It ain't just that.
08:25It's...
08:26I gave Ross an ultimatum about Joel moving back.
08:29And, um, well, he said he needed to think about it,
08:32but he still wants to marry me.
08:33Well, that sounds promising, doesn't it?
08:36Does it?
08:37Yes, it does.
08:38So, come on.
08:39Go and put your slap on.
08:40Because you are going to get plastered.
08:43And then you're going to get married.
08:45Even if it kills me.
08:48He's got pneumonia, so, um...
08:50He's been in and out of hospital over the last couple of days.
08:52Julie, sorry, we didn't know.
08:54Don't go.
08:55No, stay.
08:56Please.
08:57Could really do with cheering.
08:58Upcoming, Nigel.
08:59Hey?
09:01Nigel?
09:02My granddaughter, Jasmine.
09:04Remember her, don't you?
09:07Oh, no, I don't look old enough, do I?
09:10Don't know about that.
09:13Hi, Nigel.
09:16Where did you disappear to?
09:17What, if we're going to have a pie?
09:18We need pie, Favis, right?
09:19That's a really good idea.
09:21Thanks very much.
09:24Help yourself, everyone.
09:26Come on, Julie said it's fine.
09:29Is show Nigel a good time, yeah?
09:32Jean said you two like a sing-song.
09:35Oh, that reminds me.
09:36I made a speaker out of a loo roll.
09:39It was a top tip in my magazine.
09:41So, um...
09:42Ta-da!
09:45Yeah.
09:47It's good sound quality, isn't it?
09:49And so stylish.
09:50Yeah!
09:51I prefer my speaker, Jean.
09:52Don't really fancy an old bog roll of my dress.
09:54It's a great.
09:56Nigel loves this song.
09:57Oh, yeah.
10:15Come on, Jazz.
10:16Join in.
10:17Oh, I don't know the words.
10:18That don't matter.
10:19For years, Dan thought Bob Dylan was singing
10:21knocking on Kevin's door.
10:23I thought, who the hell's Kevin?
10:26Good.
10:34So, why do you want me fun?
10:36What happens on this tag
10:37stays on this tag.
10:39Come on, phones.
10:40Where's your phone?
10:40Oi.
10:41I'll be fun.
10:42Come on.
10:42Thank you, Jack.
10:43Lovely.
10:44Come on, Ian.
10:45What you got lined up for us?
10:46I'll tell you.
10:47You are going to love it.
10:49Peter!
10:50No!
10:51Wait for it.
10:52Wait for it.
10:53We are going to have
10:56an indoor sports day.
10:59No.
10:59Yes, I guess.
11:00Is that why you confiscated our phones?
11:02Yeah, so the shame police can't see the evidence.
11:05No, no, no.
11:06We're meant to be in the crime of our lives.
11:08Come on.
11:10Yeah!
11:12Right, let's kick off with beer darts,
11:14beers all round,
11:15and a set of your finest arrows, please.
11:17All right, boys, let's get it started.
11:19That's what you're doing.
11:20I'm getting up.
11:22So,
11:24you and Vicky earlier,
11:26looking as thick as thieves,
11:28why are you going to drink with me
11:29and not get in the hammer with that lot?
11:32Come on, Sam.
11:33You can talk to me.
11:35I'm a mate.
11:39Yes, I'm a mate.
11:40Vicky cheated on us.
11:42What?
11:45Wait.
11:48Oh.
11:54Just a few drinks, yeah?
11:56That's all I do.
11:57Go.
11:58Don't love me.
11:59It's amazing.
12:00Love you so.
12:01I love you so much.
12:05I love you so much.
12:06I love you so much.
12:07I love you so much.
12:07I love you so much.
12:08I love you so much.
12:09I love you so much.
12:10I love you so much.
12:10Hold on, Lee.
12:12We're starting to know.
12:16I only want to be with you.
12:18But you're living together.
12:20I mean, is that a total nightmare?
12:22Or is it sexy as hell?
12:24Can you at least pretend you're not enjoying this, Sam?
12:26Listen, I'm recovering from breast cancer, okay?
12:29I'm allowed to enjoy a little bit of scandal, right?
12:31It's fair.
12:32Yeah.
12:32All right.
12:33So is Vicky going to leave Ross?
12:36Is that what you want?
12:37No.
12:38I don't know.
12:41I want her to be happy.
12:42Oh, shut up.
12:44Stop being such a girl.
12:46Why are you a misogynist?
12:50Look, Ross is a good bloke.
12:51And they've got a nice life together.
12:54Steady.
12:55They go out of work.
12:56They work hard.
12:56They come in here for a pint of an evening.
12:58Oh, it's like the end of a marriage, not the start.
13:00Stop being so horrible.
13:01All right, then.
13:03What do you want?
13:04I want the same.
13:07I've got the goosebumps, you know?
13:09Well, look.
13:12Me and Vicky got it.
13:14It's electric.
13:15It's not just sex.
13:16It's what?
13:18It just works, all right?
13:24Listen, if this is what you want,
13:28then I think you've got to fight for it.
13:30I mean, she's got to bite your hand off, Zach.
13:32You've got the sexiest bloke round here by miles,
13:34and you know it.
13:37I mean, if this...
13:38if this is what Vicky wants
13:39and she's willing to risk her marriage,
13:41then...
13:41then give it to her.
13:44Give her goosebumps.
13:47Zach, what you had an idea for?
13:49I need you on my team, mate.
13:50Come on.
13:51Yeah, yeah.
13:52I'm all yours, mate.
13:58Come on, Mark.
13:58Let's have a go.
13:59Come on, man.
14:00All right, ladies.
14:05There you go.
14:07Oh, dear.
14:08That sends her apologies
14:10as she's staying on in the care arm
14:12to give Julie a break.
14:15Well, let your hair down, girls.
14:17Oh, well.
14:19I am quite happy to watch this in Anigins,
14:21but I am not going to party.
14:23Oh.
14:23Oh, dear.
14:23Oh, dear.
14:25Oh, dear.
14:26Oh, dear.
14:28Oh, dear.
14:29Oh, dear.
14:30Oh, dear.
14:34Oh, dear.
14:36Oh, dear.
14:39Oh, dear.
14:40Oh, dear.
14:42Oh, dear.
14:42Oh, dear.
14:43Oh, dear.
14:44Oh, dear.
14:45Oh, dear.
14:47Oh, dear.
14:47Oh, dear.
14:47Oh, dear.
14:48Oh, dear.
14:49Oh, dear.
14:54Well you went wrong. Yeah, you didn't invent looking. You know I was a teenager in the 60s. I have
15:00seen it all
15:04Tell us all what first attracted you to rocks because he can fill out a check show real name
15:12Because all the hours that my Jack's been in the gym I actually like a little bit of timber in
15:16a fella
15:17Oh
15:20You've only got three types do you yeah, you're like the psycho the gym bunny and the cycle to buddy
15:32Me my Patrick is a smooth operator
15:35All right, come on come on Vicki. What was it about Ross?
15:41Well, he worked Spencer
15:43Oh
15:45Who's Spencer? Oh, no, he was my ex Alfie's brother. He um, no, he was very very sweet, but
15:52I always felt like I was looking after him and then when Ross came along, you know what he felt
15:57like my equal
15:59Like he celebrates me
16:03Or you see used to anyway
16:07Hey
16:08I told him that I can't live with Joel when he gets out
16:13He can't blame you. Oh, no, no, he doesn't he doesn't but what
16:17What if he can't turn his back on Joel?
16:22He nearly killed me. It's right up look look I'm I know
16:27Don't know what it's like to not feel safe in your own home, but Ross
16:31He stood by you in the end of me and that trial
16:34See God just trust him. He's making the right decision back and Joel nearly ruin everything. Don't let him ruin
16:40your marriage
16:41Yeah, they're right big after everything you've been through
16:45Ross is a good bloke
16:46Oh
16:46Yeah, good bloke
16:51All right, so let's get back to the hen business
16:56Where's the cabaret?
16:57That's French for stripper
16:59Yeah, I didn't book one if you want one you have to get yourself one
17:03Oh, well challenge accepted.
17:05Da, da, da, da!
17:09Oh, no!
17:11No!
17:13No!
17:14It's disgusting!
17:15She's my sister!
17:17Oh, well you can help me find one, babe.
17:22Come on!
17:23Come on, you giant pig!
17:25Come on, you giant pig!
17:26Come on, you giant pig!
17:27Come on, you giant pig!
17:29Come on, you giant pig!
17:34Seriously, no cheating!
17:35You're gonna go on my whistle!
17:37After three, two...
17:42Listen, thanks for making all the effort.
17:44I'm sorry I was a miserable git earlier.
17:47You all looked after her, weren't you?
17:49Yeah.
17:50I love your little cousin.
17:52Months removed, strictly speaking.
17:54I'm glad to hear her, all right?
17:57I know it was a bit...
17:58You're a bit harsh now the other week, man.
18:01I am glad you're still working out.
18:03And, um...
18:05Ross...
18:06You're a good bloke.
18:08Auntie Pauline would approve.
18:10And as the...
18:11Patriarch of the family...
18:13So do I.
18:15Well, I won't let you, I won't let Vicky down.
18:17Yes.
18:18So, how would you feel about being my best man as our patriarch?
18:23I'll be honest.
18:24No.
18:25Thank you very much.
18:26Come on.
18:26All right.
18:27Well, this one ain't gonna do it.
18:31So let's see who will.
18:33I'm looking for a stripper.
18:36Nope.
18:38Nope.
18:39Definitely no.
18:41Definitely no.
18:42No.
18:42I've seen it all before, babe.
18:44No.
18:50Easy, tiger.
18:52Easy, tiger.
18:54Ah!
18:55Do me a favour.
18:56Nope.
18:57You okay?
18:58Eh!
19:01I bet you like taking off your top for the girlies.
19:04Yeah, well, it has been, though.
19:06Give me a minute.
19:07I'm right in, you know.
19:08Oh, don't be stressed, Howie.
19:10I'm just looking for a stripper for Vicky's Hindu, innit?
19:13I'm not looking for a new life partner.
19:15But then again...
19:17Well, Sam Mitchell did just say that I'm the sexiest geezer.
19:20We're out of sex.
19:25It's a bit weird, though, innit?
19:27I'm just out and out.
19:28It's a laugh, innit?
19:28I've seen it more presenting any of this lot.
19:30At least the night and bright ain't gonna run away with a stripper.
19:36Okay, okay.
19:37Can you shut up now?
19:39I've never had a family that don't care about looking stupid, okay?
19:42That's why the slaters love you so much.
19:44Oh, they love you, too.
19:45They can be making more of an effort.
19:50Hey.
19:51Hey, hey, hey.
19:53Honestly, what a day.
19:54I had my mum pack up and it was so sad.
19:56Oh, I'm sorry.
19:57No, it's good.
19:58I mean, I came back to the Trumans.
20:00I was all...
20:00Oh, what have I done?
20:01What have I done?
20:02But then Yolanda made me some nice coconut chiptie curry.
20:05And even though we barely know each other, it was...
20:08I mean, it was just fun just chatting, you know?
20:10It just felt right.
20:12Like, everything's gonna be all right.
20:17Sorry.
20:18I'm sorry.
20:19I'm so sorry.
20:20It leaves me blowing on about happy families when things are so orcs for you and the slaters.
20:25Especially after...
20:26Anson.
20:29At least they're trying.
20:33Sorry, that sounded patronising.
20:35I'll get drinks.
20:40Wow.
20:41Truth hurts, doesn't it?
20:44He's just blabbering on because he wants to make a good impression.
20:47Yeah, but what if he's hit the nail on the head, though?
20:49I mean, everything that Kat said in court, she can't just forget about that, can she?
20:53Stop it.
20:55You just saw how Kat stood up for you from the whole pub?
20:58Yeah.
21:00Yeah, she used to do that, didn't she?
21:02Yeah, the slaters want me around.
21:04I just...
21:05I've got to believe that.
21:07Just do without Josh stirring the pot.
21:24Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:27Now, Miss Fowler.
21:30Yes, yes.
21:32Bad girl dressed up in white.
21:36I think you've committed a foul.
21:40Aye!
21:43Yes!
21:45Aye, aye!
21:46Get away!
21:48Aye, aye!
21:52Do whatever it is!
21:55What is that?
21:57Yeah, aye!
21:59Yeah, aye!
22:02Yeah!
22:03Aye, aye!
22:04Aye, aye!
22:05Now!
22:06Booker!
22:08Aye!
22:10Chos!
22:11Aye!
22:13Aye!
22:14Aye!
22:15Aye!
22:18It's taking us back decades.
22:22Feminism would literally be turning in her grave.
22:25If God had wanted us to see that he wouldn't have created the fig leaf.
22:29Yeah, I agree.
22:31Listen, do you think I should arrange that date with Ian?
22:35I mean, do you think he's, you know, he's a good guy?
22:39Honey? Honey?
22:40What?
22:42Yeah, where?
22:43I mean, definitely.
22:45Yeah, grab...
22:47Every opportunity.
22:48Grab...
22:50A bull by his horns.
22:52Well, you're right.
22:53Yeah, I should do that.
22:54I'm gonna find that bull and grab it by its...
22:57Well, I'm gonna look for Ian and watch.
23:01What the hell is the Ian?
23:03Hmm?
23:04Oh!
23:05Oh!
23:05Oh!
23:06Oh!
23:07Oh!
23:10Squip it out!
23:11Squip it out!
23:12Good grief, honey!
23:13Stop it!
23:15Vicki!
23:22Out!
23:24Out!
23:25Not again!
23:34I'm gonna nominate Mr. McClunkey for Mitch and his staff.
23:40Oh, hey, I'm Mr. McClunkey!
23:41Yeah.
23:42Hmm.
23:44Was that Harry's barn spiral on?
23:48Look out.
23:52Um...
23:53On this box?
23:54No.
23:55No, thank you.
23:56Um, so...
23:57I've decided that you can take me out on that date that we discussed.
24:01And I'm free tomorrow.
24:03Right.
24:05Uh, just a couple of little stipulations.
24:07Can I ask that you treat me like I deserve to be treated?
24:11And then you don't expect anything other than intelligent conversation and company in return.
24:16And if you're happy with that arrangement, you can pick me up at 7.30 tomorrow.
24:22Hey.
24:24Oh, yeah.
24:25Yes.
24:26You haven't ever cheated on a partner, have you?
24:31No!
24:33That's good.
24:35I'll see you tomorrow, then.
24:41What was I supposed to say?
24:43Leave me down!
24:45You said that you don't know!
24:47Go on!
24:47Guys!
24:48Go us alone!
24:49You can go back in.
24:51Well done!
24:55You look freezing.
24:57Put this on. I'm alright.
24:59For my sake.
25:01Put it on.
25:05Show up.
25:08You always get your own way, don't you?
25:12Always.
25:13No.
25:21I love Ross.
25:22That's what you keep saying.
25:24Yeah, and we are working through our issues.
25:27And I'm gonna marry him.
25:30I'm pleased for you.
25:31Good.
25:31I'm pleased you're pleased.
25:35You know what, Ross is a good guy.
25:37He's a nice guy.
25:39I'm dealing with his lap.
25:41Bed by night.
25:42It's nice that he's found somebody that wants to do the same.
25:44How dare you.
25:47Ross ain't second best.
25:49I am not settling.
25:51Ross loves me.
25:52He's gonna look after me. He promised me that.
25:54Well, he said that, did he?
25:55You don't need to worry about me and Ross.
25:57We're gonna be just fine.
26:00He presses my buttons.
26:02All of them.
26:04What? I'll never know.
26:08Do you know I watch you?
26:09Yeah.
26:10You two, and then I'll watch you.
26:13You're watching me.
26:14Shut up.
26:15Tell me I'm lying, Vic.
26:17Well, you think you can make me happier?
26:20A loser who gets his kit off just to feed his massive ego?
26:23What? Go on.
26:24Take that. I don't even want it.
26:26Yeah, well, I've seen it all before, mate.
26:27Why are you down here if I'm such a loser?
26:29Why aren't you indoors with Ross?
26:30Don't worry about it.
26:32I'm going.
26:33What do you mean?
26:33No.
26:34Please, please, please.
26:36Just answer one thing.
26:40When you are in bed by nine and he's pressing your buttons,
26:44tell me you ain't thinking about me.
26:50About...
26:51that night, about what we did.
26:55Go on.
27:05Oh, can't I have one, Niles?
27:11Come here.
27:16Yeah, I've got the best letter key.
27:18I'm on my way over.
27:24I'm on my way over.
27:26Don't forget your phone, mate.
27:29What are you sneaking off to?
27:30I am going to find your sister
27:33and I'm going to tell her how much I love her.
27:36See you later.
27:37See you later.
27:38Ooh, that's a bit.
27:48It's Ross.
27:54Vic!
27:58Vic!
27:59Oh, I can't do this.
28:00No.
28:01Vic, Vic, Vic.
28:13Cork's Funniest.
28:14The Young Offenders are back.
28:15More crack, more chaos.
28:17Watch the brand new series on iPlayer.
28:19This and everything across the BBC is made possible
28:23because we're funded by you.
28:51Well, you know home is in this platform.
28:55Come see you and find the Love Group's
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