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00:00.
00:49you're going to love it here dad it looks really super Tom doesn't it dad
01:03dad oh yes it's lovely very well kept I'm sure it'll be a great new adventure that's the spirit
01:28I'll go and see to the beers you hang on
01:32come on let's get Christopher out the car
01:50it's a real crappy fear isn't it
01:56well it is I think it's terrible don't be a chump David it's just another step on the road
02:03where to wherever we're all going come on lad too many words of smile if you please
02:12remember the emu
02:25still in bed are we I said still in bed are we I am in bed you are on your
02:32fat feet
02:33we are not in bed God forbid oh Diana you are a naughty
02:37waggly a nasty little finger at me woman or I'll bite it off
02:42such a lovely day God gave us this day to enjoy what you want me to do go hang gliding
02:50sit in your sun lounge don't think I could stand the excitement I watch the grass growing the grass
02:57watches me shrinking dear oh dear somebody has got out of bed the wrong side this morning
03:02got out of either side yeah oh you mean you haven't been today I beg your pardon we
03:09haven't had a little twinkle today oh God all right we're going to have to join the rubber sheet club
03:16come on let's see
03:17get out dear God you really are quite unspeakable
03:21what is the matter you just haven't a clue have you not a clue
03:26now I mean we're very easy going here I mean rules as such are kept to a bare minimum
03:30they're more common sense and courtesy guidelines than rules can you have a pet
03:34but we're not too keen on the larger pets cats and dogs there's always the
03:38problem what happens to them after their owners move on of course I mean small
03:46pets fine budges gerbils hamsters lizards sorry can I have a lizard you haven't got a
03:54lizard I mean I don't want to rush off to the lizard shop and purchase her finest to come
04:02back and find I'm living in a lizardless society oh no please please I'm sure we
04:09could cope with the lizard now mealtimes what about a snake Tom well it would be good to have a
04:15snake around the place they could eat all the gerbils and budgies left behind by the
04:19residents who have moved off yes I can see you're gonna be a bit of a humorous dad Tom we're
04:34off on the big
04:35outing next week hooray I heard that good where is it this time another hunt for cut price burial plots
04:45actually we're going to France on a pilgrimage to Lourdes oh my god in the minibus have you gone
04:51quite mad oh Lourdes is very well known for its healing qualities that minibus isn't
04:57to kill half of them we'll be taking it very slowly took it slowly to Torquay and look what
05:03happened hardly hear yourself talk for the thud of falling bodies I take it you won't be coming
05:09I am neither suicidal nor Catholic oh it's non-sectarian I am glad I'd hate to think anyone was precluded
05:18from sudden death on religious grounds a little faith would do you no harm do you know what faith is
05:24Jane faith is what helps you make the quantum leap between the believable and the totally bloody
05:30ridiculous I do hope so I'd hate to think that my time here have been totally wasted I don't think
05:37you enjoy it sniping away at me in the residence no I don't you lot are sitting ducks you need
05:44a moving
05:44target to enjoy it of course you can eat in your own but you can also eat in here in
05:51the main building
05:52and this is our dining room oh really what happens in here
05:57um well we eat in here oh I see that's why it's called the dining room very clever
06:07this is the dining room they call it that because people dine here
06:12Tom please don't embarrass us now here's someone you'll get to know well this is Jenny Jenny Mr.
06:17Ballard ballard how do you do sir you must call me Dan Tom then you'll be like Tom and Jenny
06:29you know like the cartoon Tom and
06:37yes well moving right along is the residence now don't you worry Tom we're not all like him
06:43he's our only major prat oh bit of a shag on a rock eh well we'll have to have him
06:51ringed
07:04playing with yourself are you would you care to rephrase that you're playing scrabble on your own
07:12good god so I am and I thought I was playing with the Dagenham girl pipers would you like me
07:16to rustle
07:17someone not to play with you oh thank you I like playing by myself it's easier to cheat
07:22if I start losing I can always drag old lionel out of his cupboard lionel oh dear haven't you heard
07:30what lionel is no longer with us oh do stop talking in euphemisms do you mean lionel is dead
07:37he's gone to another place what other place heaven
07:43god I'll hit you one of these days so help me I will
07:47what did he die of well he just sort of stopped
07:53unusual terminal boredom another green bottle falls off the wall
07:58I thought you knew
08:00well they hardly shout these things from the rooftops you know never see a hearse in here in daylight
08:06slip in under cover of darkness like body snatchers
08:10sun comes up and everyone's trying to avoid looking at the untouched bowl of frosties on the
08:15breakfast table would you like a pill a mood elevator you are a pill Jane go away
08:29poor old sod
08:41oh it is nice isn't it nice
08:49I think Jeffrey wants you to pop outside while we have a man-to-man chat oh right
09:06dad if you don't like it here we'll forget the whole thing and go home thank you Jeffrey but I
09:10don't think so if I stayed there one more night poor Marian would probably strangle her psychiatrist no no she's
09:17just a bit you know highly strung and so she should be
09:24stop feeling guilty
09:26stop feeling guilty Jeffrey we're all glad to see the back of each other that's not true
09:29father I'm concerned it is really oh yes I'll love it here
09:35oh well jolly good of course we'll come a visit
09:38don't hurry
09:42right got to have adventures Jeffrey this is my next adventure this is the upper reaches of the Nile the
09:50trek the Lhasa the Brazilian jungle this is Bournemouth
09:55look at him
10:12he's
10:13I'm
10:13I'm
10:15I'm
10:16I'm
10:16I'm
10:18I'm
10:23I'm
10:29I'm a flamingo.
10:35Oh, my God, a fruitcake.
10:39Cup of tea?
10:41What?
10:42To go with your fruitcake.
10:43Thank you, but I'm reading.
10:48My name is Tom Jones.
10:50You've probably heard of me.
10:51I'm a famous singer.
10:53I work in Las Vegas.
10:54Sweat a lot.
10:55And throw my underwear to middle-aged women who scream for my body.
11:02It's not unusual to be loved by anyone.
11:14Hello, George, Mrs. Stevens.
11:18Hello, Miss Trent.
11:19Everything all right?
11:20No.
11:21Wonderful.
11:22Bridge this evening?
11:23No.
11:23See you there.
11:28Hello, Dan.
11:30Looking for some new chums, eh?
11:32Looking for some food, actually.
11:35Come with me.
11:38Miss Trent, I've got someone to meet you.
11:42Dan Bollard, this is Fiona Trent.
11:45I just know you're going to get on marvellously together, so I'll leave you to do just that.
11:48See you later.
11:50Diana Trent.
11:52Tom Ballard.
11:54So you're not Tom Jones?
11:56So you're not Tom Jones?
11:56I was just trying a new conversational opening.
11:58Didn't work.
12:00Do you mind if I sit down?
12:01Watch yourself.
12:03Well, I won't if you don't want me to.
12:04Sit, stand.
12:05Do whatever you like.
12:06You can burn to the ground for all I can.
12:10Since you put it so nicely, I'll sit.
12:14There, I've sat.
12:16What do you want me to do?
12:17Applaud?
12:18I knew I shouldn't have sat.
12:22Hello, Tom.
12:23Settling in all right?
12:24Oh, yes.
12:24I'm having the time of my life.
12:26Wonderful place.
12:27That's the spirit.
12:28Pity everybody else doesn't have such a positive approach.
12:31Each to his own, Jenny.
12:32Some people like being cheerful.
12:33Others enjoy being miserable.
12:35Just as long as they enjoy themselves.
12:37That's the main thing.
12:38Well, say it louder.
12:40Somebody might hear you.
12:46It's cloying old fuddies like you that give the elderly a bad name.
12:51Trotting out your trite little homilies like some refugee from Reader's Digest.
12:56You might enjoy being a quaint old parody of a human being,
12:59but I've still got my balls, thank you very much.
13:10This meat isn't very good.
13:12It never is.
13:13What is it?
13:14Squirrel.
13:17These carrots seem to be from a tin, if I'm not mistaken.
13:20Better at weekends when the relatives are around.
13:23Well, doesn't anyone complain?
13:25Not often.
13:25We're British.
13:26Bad food is a way of life.
13:28They serve dead dog, they complain to the RSPCA before the chef.
13:33Well, I'm going to have a word with Mr. Baines.
13:36Don't do any good.
13:36He just runs the place.
13:38I just run the place, you see, Tom.
13:42But surely running the place would encompass the provision of decent food.
13:45Well, I think the food is rather good, don't you, Jane?
13:48Oh, yes, Mr. Baines.
13:49We never have any complaints.
13:51Jane, you're lying through your teeth.
13:53You'll be struck down long before you get to Lourdes.
13:56Well, not many complaints.
13:57It's a question of budget, you see.
14:00Oh.
14:01But I'll tell you what I'll do.
14:03I'll have a word with Cook and see if he can't put some choice cuts aside just for you.
14:07And you, of course, Miss Trent, be just on to new nod and a wink, eh?
14:12Oh, no.
14:13I wouldn't like to think I was getting preferential treatment to my fellow inmates.
14:18Residence, Dan.
14:20Residence.
14:30Well, you told them, didn't you?
14:33It's not right.
14:35Something smells fishy.
14:37It's probably the beef.
14:38Not right at all.
14:40Oh, forget it.
14:41You tried your feeble best.
14:43Not your fault you're a doddering old fool who wouldn't break wind without written permission.
14:48You know your trouble, Miss Trent?
14:49What?
14:50Too much charm.
14:55I do hope he's not going to be a troublemaker.
14:57Oh, I'm sure not.
14:59I'm not a difficult man, Jane.
15:00Oh, no, you're not, Harvey.
15:02Miss Trent.
15:04You see, if this place fails financially, people won't put their money into other Bayviews.
15:08So I would be depriving thousands of senior citizens of their place in the sun if I were
15:12to allow us to function in any way but the, uh, well, reasonably profitable.
15:16I mean, it's nothing to do with my part in the profit share scheme, but, you know,
15:21shareholders are people too.
15:22Oh, I do understand.
15:24So you'll keep an eye on things.
15:26Sorry?
15:27Let us know in advance if the apple cart looks like being upset.
15:30Oh, I see.
15:31Maybe?
15:32Maybe Dan would like to go on the Lord's trip.
15:47Good morning.
15:55I don't wish to know.
15:57Tai Chi?
15:58Never heard of it.
16:00Chinese exercises?
16:02Pumping up the yin and the yang.
16:04Sounds disgusting.
16:06It promotes a healthy mind and body.
16:08What for?
16:09So that you may live a long and healthy life.
16:12What for?
16:14What for?
16:15Yes.
16:15What is the point of having a long and healthy life
16:18if you spend half of it stuck in this place waiting for it to end?
16:21Dear, dear.
16:22Tell me, Miss Trent, what did you do when you were alive?
16:28I was a spinster.
16:29Is that a profession?
16:31It's an attitude.
16:32I was a self-contained unit.
16:34I did exactly as I pleased
16:35until the dismal iniquities of age turned the tables on me.
16:44What was your excuse for cluttering up the planet?
16:46I was enjoying life.
16:48I still am.
16:49Must be wonderful to be a simpleton.
16:51Oh, it is.
16:52Did you have an occupation?
16:54Oh, yes.
16:56For many years, I was a bullfighter.
16:58Oh, my God.
17:00I fought under the name of Air Corp Derbies.
17:02Maybe you've heard of me.
17:03I saw you in Malaga 20 years ago.
17:05You were badly gored.
17:06Indeed, I was.
17:09See, there's a scar.
17:11Oh, the bull took your appendix out at the same time.
17:15They're very smart animals.
17:17And then what did you do?
17:18I was an astronaut.
17:20Oh, yes.
17:22In between trips to the moon?
17:24A financier.
17:26An accountant.
17:28Yes.
17:29A humble accountant.
17:31One of many humble accountants in a very, very big firm.
17:35I sat at the same desk every day for 40 years.
17:38Hence, you're fantasizing.
17:40Not fantasies at all.
17:42We had three weeks paid holiday a year.
17:44Plenty of time to fight bulls on the moon.
17:49So, you're just a boring man who's led a boring life.
17:53You're absolutely right.
17:55I've bored for the world in heaven for many, many seasons.
17:58Become a ludicrous poseur to boot.
18:00Yes.
18:01Everything I do is for effect.
18:04You see, I'm terrified that if people don't notice me,
18:08that I might not be here at all.
18:10You're not.
18:10I've never seen or heard of you.
18:12There's no one there.
18:13I'm talking to a figment of my own diseased imagination.
18:17Surely you wouldn't bother to think me up.
18:19That's true.
18:20Besides, I've just checked in the mirror.
18:25I was actually there.
18:28That is, assuming the mirror was really there.
18:31Never assume a presence.
18:32You can only ever be sure of an absence.
18:36It's just about sums you up.
18:38You're such a sweet person.
18:40Look, just because we're old doesn't mean to say we have to be polite to one another.
18:43I believe in being polite to everyone.
18:45Even mad bulls.
18:47Please, don't tell me any more about yourself.
18:49I don't want to know.
18:51There's no time.
18:56The only thing I ever did of any note
18:58was to found the Kingston-upon-Thames Communist Party.
19:01Look, I don't want to know.
19:04The Kingston-upon-Thames Communist Party.
19:08Yes.
19:08Did you have many members?
19:10No, none at all.
19:12It was just another of my totally futile gestures in life.
19:16Did you know anything about communism?
19:19Anyway, I picked up from Hemingway in the Spanish Civil War.
19:23Cordobis, he said to me,
19:25Marx and Engels have nothing to do with ice skating.
19:29Listen, Ballard, you're not an original.
19:32You can't disguise gibberish as original thought.
19:35Just like the rest of us.
19:36In this life, we do three things.
19:39We're born, we consume, we die.
19:41Now, you and I have done the first two.
19:43We're now just waiting to do the third.
19:45We've come here to die.
19:46So kindly, do it quietly and with dignity.
19:50And on your own.
19:59I met Mick Jagger once.
20:02At the siege of Madrid.
20:05Bet you never did that.
20:08I can't get...
20:10No, no, no.
20:30Sorry, Mr. Ballard, I must have forgot you.
20:32No, no, Jenny, you didn't.
20:34I'm not having any.
20:35You don't like it?
20:36I'm on a hunger strike.
20:38Oh, that's all right, then.
20:41Give us a yell if you change your mind.
20:46I'm on hunger strike.
20:47Oh, yes.
20:48Like Gandhi.
20:49I like Gandhi.
20:52Finished already, Tom?
20:53No, I'm not having any.
20:55I'm on a hunger strike.
20:56Oh, you don't want to do that, Tom.
20:58I do.
21:00I'm not going to eat until the food gets better.
21:13Sorry, Mrs. Stevens.
21:17Dan.
21:18Harry.
21:20Harry.
21:22Harry.
21:23No, it's not Harry, Dan.
21:25It's Harvey.
21:26My apologies.
21:28One should always try and get a person's name right,
21:31or they might think you don't care for them.
21:34Right.
21:34So, how are things?
21:36Things are fine.
21:37So, you are just pulling Jane's leg, right?
21:39I would never presume such a liberty.
21:42Oh, so you are on a hunger strike.
21:44Just until I'm presented with some food,
21:46I would consider worthy.
21:48Have you mentioned this to anyone?
21:50The sun, the mirror, and the times.
21:56Don't you worry about a thing, Dan.
22:04If I could just have your attention for a moment.
22:08Now, about our trip to Lourdes.
22:11Now, I'm sure some of you will remember the success of last year's trip.
22:14Success?
22:15Did someone make it home?
22:18Miss Trent likes her little joke.
22:20Two people died.
22:22Now, you know that's not true.
22:24Well, more than two, was it?
22:26Anyway, just so I can get a rough idea of numbers,
22:30could I have a show of hands from all those interested?
22:36Anyone for Lourdes?
22:40We do stock up with Duty Free at Boulogne.
22:43That's if you make it that far.
22:47Lourdes?
22:53Mr Ballard.
22:54I'd very much like to go to the earth, Miss Edwards.
22:57It's a wonderful place,
22:58and I can personally attest to its healing powers.
23:00I myself benefited from them
23:03after suffering severe injuries
23:05while working in Spain.
23:07Oh, Lily!
23:09I urge you all to go.
23:11I'm sure a wonderful time will be had by all.
23:20Oh, Johnny Edward!
23:24And you say the food's okay?
23:25Wonderful.
23:27So you're not hungry?
23:29Why should you ask that?
23:30No reason.
23:31Just thought you might prefer to come home.
23:33Why should I want to leave?
23:34I've only just got here.
23:35Well, we miss you.
23:39Don't we, Marianne?
23:41But when you were laying your new patio,
23:43I distinctly overheard someone suggest
23:45that it might be a good idea
23:46if I was to become an integral part of the concrete mix.
23:51I've just skinned a rabbit in my sewing room.
23:57Will you come home, now?
23:59No, no, no, Geoffrey.
24:02You can't stop the crusades at Cyprus.
24:05I am afoot.
24:07A vaunt.
24:08See?
24:08He's very happy here.
24:10He wants to stay.
24:11Oh, all right.
24:17Goodbye.
24:21Ghastly creature.
24:23Should have been strangled at birth.
24:25Are you talking to me?
24:27Do you know about you possibly?
24:34How's the hunger strike?
24:38Never miss a trick, do you?
24:40The consistency of your malevolence is heartening.
24:42Do you want some?
24:45Get thee behind me.
24:46I do love to see a man of principle.
24:48They're so fatuous nowadays.
24:50Eat your sweets, Miss Trent.
24:53She's got your number, you know.
24:55Who?
24:56Baines, of course.
24:57Why do you think your awful offspring suddenly turn up
24:59saying, come home, all is forgiven?
25:00Why?
25:01He wants you out.
25:02You're a troublemaker.
25:03He's been on to them.
25:04Oh, dear, your dad's not happy here.
25:06He weeps into his soup.
25:08Better take him home before he kills himself
25:10and brings disgrace upon your house.
25:12He wouldn't do that.
25:14Well, he tried it with my family,
25:15got on to my niece.
25:17Lashings of moral blackmail.
25:19But you're still here.
25:20Yes, of course I am.
25:21My niece was trained by me.
25:24She told Baines if I wanted to do myself in,
25:26I was to be given every assistance.
25:28But that's awful.
25:30I thought it was splendid.
25:31Awful of Baines, I mean.
25:34You don't treat El Cordobe's like some common picador.
25:42I don't think we'll have too much trouble from dear old Dan.
25:44Had a word with a daughter-in-law.
25:46She knows how to get him into line.
25:48You have to be a people manager.
25:50You know, Jane,
25:52and I must say I'm rather a good one.
25:54Oh, you are, Harvey.
25:56You are.
25:58Dan!
25:59Dan!
26:00Tom!
26:00Got that?
26:02Tom!
26:02Tom?
26:03Is this correct?
26:04Well, I should have been informed.
26:06Do come in, Tom.
26:07Now, what can we do for you?
26:09Sit.
26:10What?
26:11Sit.
26:14You sit, too.
26:17Now, listen to me.
26:18We don't seem to have much choice.
26:20I said listen.
26:21Sorry.
26:22In this institution,
26:24you have over a thousand years of wisdom and human experience.
26:27Understand?
26:27You don't have a bunch of old crocs
26:30who need managing
26:30and herding around the place like lame sheep.
26:33What?
26:33Silence!
26:34Also in this institution,
26:35you have paying customers.
26:37We pay you work.
26:38What does that make you?
26:39Our employee.
26:41Right?
26:42Right.
26:43So, as one of your many bosses,
26:45I am now going to give you some instructions
26:47about the food around here.
26:47Now, Tom, I did explain.
26:48Sit!
26:51This is not a discussion.
26:54Here are your orders concerning the food.
26:57You will obey these
26:58or I'll put phase two of my plan into operation
27:02and that, I can assure you,
27:04will snap your little yuppie brain
27:06right down the middle.
27:09Do you understand?
27:15Yes, Tom.
27:18Come along, Mrs. Sullivan.
27:20Come on, no time to wait.
27:21You won't be that when you get back anyway, eh?
27:24That's it.
27:25Not going to Lourdes, then?
27:28I value my health.
27:29You're learning.
27:31Yeah, you've given up the hunger strike.
27:33Yes.
27:34Said you had no balls.
27:35Come along, everybody.
27:36What's your favourite dish, Miss Trent?
27:39Poached salmon.
27:40Why?
27:42Baines?
27:45Harry?
27:46It's hot.
27:53Yes, Tom?
27:57Poached salmon for Miss Trent, please.
28:01Sure, fine.
28:02Why not?
28:03Poached salmon.
28:05Caviar.
28:05Poverseggs.
28:06Why not?
28:07Why not?
28:07Yes, why not?
28:08It's only money.
28:10Profits.
28:13How on earth did you manage that?
28:16I told him that if the food did not improve,
28:19I would disembowel myself on the steps of the town hall.
28:23Would you have done?
28:24Certainly not, but he doesn't know that.
28:26He thinks I'm a potential psychopath.
28:33They all think we go barmy after 70.
28:37Exploited, that's what I say.
28:46Good place, Scrabble.
28:48I'm a bullfighter.
28:49You're a crackpot.
28:51At least I'm prettier than you.
28:53You're a crackpot.
29:01You're a crackpot.
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