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00:23Piano music
00:54Morning!
00:57They're comfy, are we?
00:58The word is comfortable, you're simpering Nellie.
01:01Oh, you do make a mess around you.
01:04What's this role doing here?
01:06Why don't you ask it? Or don't you speak role?
01:10Did you enjoy having your niece here yesterday?
01:13She tried to strangle me.
01:14Oh yes, such a nice woman.
01:18With her rosary beads.
01:21She had a long chat with me and Mr Baines,
01:24inquiring about your health and general wellbeing.
01:26I'll bet she was.
01:28The only reason I keep breathing
01:29is so that she can't get her hands on my money.
01:31Oh yes.
01:33Jane, my niece only comes here in the hope
01:35that one day she will find me stiff as a board
01:37with a stake through my heart.
01:39I'm sure that's not true.
01:41She keeps garlic in a crucifix in her handbag.
01:46Harvey says that persecution mania is very common among senior citizens.
01:52Don't you call me a senior citizen.
01:54Oh, well what are you then?
01:55What do I bloody well look like?
01:57Senior citizen?
01:58Oh yes.
01:59And when did I become a senior citizen?
02:01Oh, after you turned 60.
02:03Jane, on my 60th birthday I was a freelance photographer
02:07hanging out of a helicopter somewhere on the Cambodian border
02:10while various warlords were trying to shoot the arse off me.
02:15That's just me, how very colourful.
02:17And they weren't calling me a senior citizen then.
02:20No, they were foreign.
02:21They probably didn't know the words.
02:24Jane, the Eastern people do not have senior citizens.
02:28They have elders whom they respect, revere.
02:32Don't try and shove under the carpet like some minor embarrassment.
02:35So you can tell that Baines creature from me
02:37that we are not senior citizens
02:39or any other form of coy euphemism.
02:42We are paying customers.
02:44We are what keeps his butter stuck to his bread.
02:46Do I make myself clear?
02:47Yes, Diana.
02:48You always do.
02:50I see your niece has left her car here.
02:52The red Porsche.
02:53Yes, she's going on holiday
02:55and as most of her neighbours appear to be car thieves
02:57she's asked me to look after it for her.
02:59Oh, good.
03:00Just so long as you weren't thinking of driving it.
03:03Me, Jane?
03:10Justice, ladies and gentlemen of life's jury,
03:13is like a meal.
03:15Like this very meal that you have spread before you.
03:18When you've got it you take it as your right and proper due.
03:21But when you haven't got it you feel confused,
03:25disorientated and cheated.
03:27And if you are deprived of it for too long
03:29you may even wither and perish.
03:31Give me my food.
03:32And give me my justice.
03:34I want my dinner.
03:36There's something wrong here, Tom.
03:37I want justice.
03:38And I want my dinner.
03:40Give Basil his dinner, Tom.
03:41It isn't dinner.
03:43It's a symbol of faith.
03:44It's a plate of curry.
03:48What's wrong now, Tom?
03:50It can't be the food.
03:51We've doubled the catering budget
03:53since you threatened to disembowel yourself
03:55on the steps of the town hall.
03:56Nothing wrong with food.
03:58So what is it?
03:59I've told you, it's justice.
04:00Justice?
04:01About what?
04:02Justice isn't about anything.
04:03Justice is an ideal.
04:04An end in itself.
04:07And we want it, don't we?
04:12You see, Tom,
04:14they just want to have their lunch in peace.
04:17It's because they have been broken
04:19on the wheel of life.
04:20It's because they're hungry.
04:23Thank you, Tom.
04:24Now,
04:26everybody happy?
04:29Good.
04:32That's blood, that is.
04:35Sucked from us over 70 years
04:36and returned to us
04:38one claggy gob at a time.
04:43Who on earth is it today?
04:45I'm not quite sure.
04:47Seems like a cross between
04:48Perry Mason and Aristotle.
04:51That's a little fart.
04:53Miss Trent.
04:55Good morning, Diana.
04:57Or should I say good afternoon
04:58as it is 12.23,
05:00and that's 23 minutes
05:01after the start of lunchtime.
05:03Do be quiet, you tedious little man.
05:06We do have staff, you know,
05:07and they like to get away on time.
05:09They have rights.
05:10So do prison warders.
05:12That's not a very nice attitude.
05:14No, it wasn't meant to be.
05:15In a world ruled by aggressive simpletons,
05:19someone has to see the sheer futility
05:21of the human race, the universe,
05:23the Bayview retirement home
05:24for the almost dead.
05:26Not feeling a little bit negative today, are we?
05:28Oh, Miss Trent.
05:30Diana.
05:31What?
05:32About your niece's car.
05:34Yes?
05:35It's a sports car.
05:37So?
05:37Well, I was wondering if you'd like me
05:39to look after the keys for you.
05:40Were you really?
05:41Until your niece returns.
05:43Well, thank you.
05:44But I think the care of a couple of keys
05:46is just about within the capabilities
05:48of this rattled old body
05:49and fuddled old brain.
05:53Bugger off and let me eat in, please.
05:55I don't have to do this job, you know.
05:56No, I don't have to do it.
05:57I don't have to be a caring individual.
05:59I get little help.
06:01Oh, Tom, don't forget your son's visiting
06:04tomorrow morning.
06:05Oh, God.
06:16Dad?
06:18You can always come home.
06:20Well, he can if he's not happy.
06:21Who says he's not happy?
06:23He does.
06:24He hasn't said a word since we've been here.
06:26Marianne, please.
06:27He only does it to upset me.
06:29He's trying to push me over the edge.
06:31Your family never liked me.
06:33You know that's not true.
06:34Then why isn't he talking to me?
06:36What's he doing?
06:37Staring into space.
06:39Sitting like that.
06:40He'll get piles.
06:43Conserv him right.
06:44Hope they blow up and strangle him.
06:47He's not deaf.
06:50Dad?
06:51Hello?
06:53Maybe he's dead.
06:54Give him a prod.
06:55He's meditating.
06:57Ah, disgusting.
06:59He's just sitting and thinking.
07:00Well, what's he thinking that's so important
07:02he can't even talk to his own family?
07:04Well, he's out of his body right now.
07:08Out of his body?
07:09Well, where's he gone then?
07:11Onto another plane.
07:13On a plane, eh?
07:15Well, that's very clear, isn't it?
07:17He's gone off on a plane but left his body behind.
07:20Does that get him a reduced fare?
07:22Oh, I can't breathe around here.
07:24Does your wife ever shut up or do you have to take a scythe to her vocal calls?
07:28Oh, that's right.
07:29Thank you very much.
07:30I just come here to be insulted, don't I?
07:32Well, I'm glad there's some point to your journey.
07:35Oh, oh, oh.
07:38And tell me, Miss Acid Drop, how long does he go off on these plane trips for?
07:43Well, now, that depends how far he's transcending.
07:46If his astral travel should take him as far as the, well, the lost source of the Ganges,
07:51he could be gone all day.
07:52If, on the other hand, he has just wafted round to the corner shop, he could be back any minute.
07:58Come along, Geoffrey.
08:00These people are all quite gaga.
08:01And we don't want to catch any gaga germs, do we?
08:04Come along.
08:06Bye, Dad.
08:09Send us a card.
08:16It's all right. They've gone.
08:19Oh, was someone here?
08:23I've been away in another world.
08:25Listen.
08:25You may fool your cretinous relatives with your dithery-doo-dahs,
08:29but don't try it on me, you brain-dead old fish.
08:33You know your trouble, Miss Trent?
08:35You're earthbound.
08:37No wings.
08:38Whereas you, Doctor Who?
08:40Whereas I only have to twiddle a couple of old baker-like knobs
08:44and I'm up, off, off of the way to better times, better places,
08:48and darn sight, better company, too.
08:50Oh, yes.
08:51What particular Disneyland for the simple-minded have you been goofing around?
08:57I have been to Washington.
08:59Oh, I bet that shook them.
09:01I went with my old friend Jimmy Stewart.
09:04You remember the old movie, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington?
09:08Well, I went with him.
09:10Dear old Jimmy Stewart,
09:12we addressed Congress on a matter of grave injustice.
09:15What injustice?
09:17On the injustice of ageing, Miss Trent.
09:19Look at us.
09:20We have been diddled.
09:22We have worked hard all our lives on what happens to us.
09:25Well, in your case, you go totally doolally.
09:28We get old.
09:30That's what we get for our pains.
09:32Life is hard and then you die.
09:34It's all the wrong way round.
09:36God's probably dyslexic.
09:39Well, I want to do something young.
09:41Good idea.
09:42Go and play in the traffic.
09:44There isn't any traffic round here.
09:47Only the odd hearse.
09:49Gliding, shark-like through the hedgerows, searching for customers.
09:54Bring out your dead.
09:56Bring out your dead.
09:57Bring out your dead.
09:58Bring out your dead.
09:59Oh, for God's sake, shut up.
10:01Come on.
10:02We are going in search of some real traffic and real people.
10:07Where?
10:08Brighton.
10:09Brighton?
10:10Does Brighton really exist beyond the confines of naughty postcards?
10:14Possibly not, but we'll go and have a look.
10:16We'll take the Porsche.
10:17I'll drive and you can run up a huge bill on my niece's car phone.
10:22Brighton?
10:24Porsche?
10:25Car phone?
10:26Goodness.
10:29I'm going to be a guppy.
10:37This is wonderful.
10:39I used to have a modest miner.
10:41It was just like this, but completely different.
10:46This is Major Tom for ground control.
10:49We have ignition.
10:51Ten.
10:52Nine.
10:53Eight.
10:53Stop capping about.
10:57What?
10:58One spot upon.
10:59What?
11:00Can you drive this then?
11:01Course I bloody can.
11:09Damn it, woman.
11:10Watch out for the old folk.
11:11We are the old folk.
11:13That's what I meant.
11:15Yes, sir.
11:16A Porsche.
11:17That's right.
11:17A big, red, shiny Porsche.
11:19And they must be stopped.
11:22No, no, I don't know the number.
11:25No, no, they haven't stolen it.
11:28Well, I doubt very much if she is licensed.
11:32Well, couldn't you try and sound a little bit more concerned?
11:35Why?
11:36Why?
11:36Because there are two bloody-minded old crackpots tearing along the coast at a million miles an hour.
11:41And I, as a citizen and as a taxpayer, want you to stop them.
11:45I'm a reasonable man, aren't I, Jane?
11:48Oh, yes, Harvey.
11:49Very reasonable.
11:51I'm not what they say I am, am I?
11:52Oh, no, Harvey.
11:55Er, what do they say you are?
11:58I'm providing a service.
12:00I'm not a blood-sucking, yuppie bastard trying to screw them for every penny they've got, am I?
12:05Of course you're not.
12:08Jane, you have a hand on that.
12:13Quite nippy, isn't it?
12:15I think we left my bum at the last roundabout.
12:25Why are you driving on the wrong side of the road?
12:28Because you never know when you're going to be some silly sob doing it the other way.
12:35So, let's get up.
12:37It's all right.
13:00Oh, my God.
13:02Don't you love the si-air mingled,
13:05with a sickly tang of candy floss and fresh doughnuts.
13:09I just like to be alive.
13:11My driving doesn't worry you, does it?
13:13Oh, no, I'm a fatalist.
13:15If it is writ, it is writ.
13:18Style, Tom. Gotta have style.
13:21Far better go out in a flash at the wheel of your space capsule here
13:25than spend another couple of years timidly putt-putting up and down the promenade
13:29at the wheel of your 1959 Hillman Minx
13:32while your brain-dead partner fiddles with cardigan buttons.
13:38Fancy an ice cream?
13:41Won't we get a ticket?
13:43My niece will get a ticket.
13:53A Porsche? My father has gone off with a woman in a Porsche?
13:59Disgusting!
14:00Well, when I say woman, I mean...
14:02You mean some underage nymphette?
14:04I knew it. I could tell.
14:06For years, he's been looking at me in a funny way.
14:10He's gone off with Diana Trent.
14:12Who is she?
14:12His neighbour, one of our residents.
14:15You mean he's run off with an old woman?
14:17Hmm.
14:18Oh, God, I think I'm going to be ill.
14:21Voting are totally obscene.
14:23And a Porsche, too. An expensive car. Oh, God.
14:26We think they've probably just gone for a drive.
14:29I'm sure that's all.
14:30Don't be ridiculous.
14:32A man and a woman in a fast car.
14:35The roar of the exhaust pipe.
14:38The sheer power of the acceleration pressing you back in your seat.
14:42The smell of real leather.
14:52Well, I suppose it is quite a nice day for a drive.
14:59Used to come down here during the war.
15:02Used to watch the air battles, the dog fights out there.
15:06Our boys and their boys weaving about on a lovely summer's day.
15:11Putting on such a show.
15:14If one of the Hun went down, the whole beach would cheer.
15:19If one of our boys were hit, even the wind would stop blowing.
15:26Time froze until a lad either parachuted to safety and your heart would leap.
15:34Or he plunged into the sea.
15:37And you all died with him.
15:4119 or 20 years of some dear mother's adoration.
15:48Loving care.
15:50Just switched off.
15:54Doused.
16:04That's why I never had children.
16:06Couldn't face losing them.
16:11That's why I never had much at all.
16:20Were you in the war, Tom?
16:22Oh, yes.
16:23Army.
16:24I had what they call a good war.
16:26Where were you?
16:27Oh, all over.
16:28North Africa chasing Rommel.
16:30Then Italy.
16:31Then D-Day and the push to Berlin.
16:34What rank?
16:35Well, I ended up skate.
16:37What's that?
16:38Supreme Commander Allied Forces in Europe.
16:40My little name is Eisenhower.
16:43But I don't mention it to anyone in case they think I'm getting a bit big-headed.
16:48We want to be careful, you know.
16:49They might mistake your fantasy world for senility and lock you up.
16:57What fantasy world?
17:03Something essentially English about seaside candy floss.
17:07It's quite revolting.
17:10It goes with the grey sea and the fried food and the appalling hopelessness of all those dead
17:18people dragging their lumpen bodies up and down, waiting for the blessed relief of autumn.
17:23When they can let their brains fur over and their limbs atrophy while they crawl back into their holes and
17:30spend the winter breaking wind in front of themselves.
17:34Bloody hell.
17:36I don't impress you, do I?
17:39If I cut my head off and put a stake through my heart, I would be positively jolly in comparison
17:44with you.
17:46You can't spend your life being so contemptuous of your fellow man.
17:50Why not?
17:51Well, why?
17:52Because if you're angry, you know you're still alive.
17:55But why bother?
17:57If you think life is one long bath in acid, why don't you pull the plug?
18:01Suicide?
18:02Mercy killing in your case.
18:04No.
18:06Too many people to get even with.
18:08The best way to do that is to outlive them.
18:11Come on.
18:14Let's burn a little rubber.
18:17Burn a little rubber?
18:20I haven't got done, isn't it?
18:47I haven't got done, isn't it?
18:55Oh, here they are.
18:57All in one piece.
18:59No harm, Dan.
19:00They should be locked up.
19:01No, no, Marion.
19:02The faulting old man.
19:03Just leave it to me, I think.
19:05You're the one who let them escape in the first place.
19:07No, no, Marion.
19:10Well, well, Miss Trent.
19:12Diana.
19:15Goodness.
19:16A party?
19:17What fun.
19:19Geoffrey, how lovely to see you.
19:21I thought you were coming this morning.
19:22We did, Dad.
19:23You were out.
19:25Oh, of course.
19:27Washington.
19:27So sorry.
19:29Marion, how are you?
19:31Don't touch me.
19:32Same as usual.
19:34Now, I would like you all to meet a new friend of ours, Constable Wilkins.
19:39This is my son, Geoffrey.
19:40Sir.
19:41And his wife, Marion.
19:42Madam.
19:42And this is Mr. Harvey Baines, manager of the institution.
19:46And his right arm, Jane Edwards.
19:48And, of course, Miss Trent, who's already sworn at you.
19:53Well, isn't this nice?
19:55Mine's a gin and tonic.
19:58No tonic?
20:00No gin.
20:02Dan, we've...
20:03Tom.
20:03Sorry.
20:05Tom, we've been...
20:06We've been terribly worried, Dad.
20:07Where have you been?
20:08We've been to Brighton.
20:10I knew it.
20:11Brighton.
20:12Seaside hotels.
20:13Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
20:14Filth.
20:15They've only been a few hours.
20:16Oh, God.
20:17Not even a hotel.
20:18How could you?
20:19Someone cut that woman's throat.
20:21And you?
20:22You're just...
20:23Just...
20:24A loose tart.
20:25Give me a knife.
20:26I'll do it myself.
20:28If you could just stick to the matter in hand.
20:30Miss Trent.
20:31Diana.
20:32You've caused us all a great deal of distress.
20:35Oh, good.
20:37The police forces of southern England have been scouring the countryside for you.
20:41But why didn't you ring us on the car phone?
20:44Save an awful lot of scouring time.
20:47Oh.
20:48Well, I'm sure the constable is a very busy man.
20:50Maybe we could get on?
20:51Well, seeing as there's no harm done, sir, I don't think we need to take the matter any further.
20:54That's most kind.
20:55Most understanding.
20:57Nice.
20:58Sir, I bid you all a good day, then.
20:59Just a minute.
21:00Yes, sir?
21:01We demand justice.
21:02Oh, God.
21:04Justice, sir?
21:05Justice, constable.
21:06Shut up, you silly old prat.
21:10As far as I can see, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we have been wrongly charged.
21:16You haven't been charged at all, sir.
21:17Please only answer direct questions.
21:19Court is in session.
21:20Tom, this is not a film.
21:21This is real life.
21:23Fisher castratum.
21:23Right.
21:25Oh, Tom.
21:26Silence!
21:27Any further interruptions when I shall have to clear the court?
21:32Now, constable, do I have your undivided attention?
21:37You do, sir.
21:38Good.
21:40Now, you said just now that you didn't wish to lay charges against my client, Miss Trent here.
21:45No, sir.
21:45And why was that?
21:46Well, not really necessary, sir.
21:48It's down to my discretion, you know.
21:49She seems like a nice old lady.
21:51Ah, there we have it.
21:53Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, a nice old lady.
21:58We can ignore the word nice, as it has absolutely nothing to do with my client's character.
22:04We can accept the word lady, as that is self-evident, which leaves us with but one word, and what
22:12is that word, constable?
22:13Uh, old.
22:15So, you didn't bring charges because she was what, constable?
22:19Oh.
22:20Louder, please.
22:21She was old!
22:22Well, I don't think she would want not to be charged because she was decrepit.
22:26He said?
22:27Oh.
22:27I'm very sorry, Marlis.
22:28I think she would prefer not to be charged because she was innocent.
22:35Sorry, sir?
22:36What made you go in pursuit of Miss Trent?
22:38We've been told to look after the car, sir.
22:39The car wasn't speeding?
22:41No, sir.
22:41Or committing any other visible offence?
22:42No, sir.
22:43Nevertheless, you still saw fit to stop the car and insist that the driver of my client should follow you
22:48back here at a very boring 20 miles an hour.
22:51Right.
22:53I have here Miss Trent's licence.
22:55Oh.
22:58Is this a valid licence?
23:00Please look at it.
23:02Yes, sir.
23:03Can you tell me what groups it covers?
23:06A, B, C, D, F and G, sir.
23:09Exactly.
23:10Miss Trent is not only entitled to drive a Porsche car but also a motorbike with or without sidecar, an
23:17agricultural tractor and, if she so desires, a road roller.
23:23So, if she wasn't speeding, had a valid licence and was breaking no known laws, what the brood blazes do
23:29you think you were doing pulling her over and escorting her back home like a naughty child?
23:33I was just obeying orders, sir.
23:35That defence has terrible precedent, constable.
23:38I was told the car was being driven by someone who is incapable of handling such a car.
23:42But now you know this to be untrue.
23:44Yes, sir.
23:45So you have been misled.
23:46Yes, sir.
23:46And what is this called?
23:47Wasting police time, sir.
23:48An offence, I believe.
23:49Yes, sir.
23:50And who did the misleading?
23:51Can you see him in the court?
23:52It was that man there, sir!
23:54Mr. Harvey Baines, you're sure of that?
23:56Yes, sir.
23:56Just a minute.
23:58Do your duty, constable.
23:59Would you mind escort me down to the station, please, sir?
24:01Well, yes, I would mind.
24:03Don't make it hard on yourself, sir.
24:04But all I was doing was take...
24:05Bye-bye, Harry.
24:07It's...
24:08It's Harvey.
24:08Come along, sir.
24:12Justice?
24:14Justice.
24:19He got off, you know, Harvey Baines.
24:21I didn't think they were going to bring back hanging just for him.
24:24Oh, no.
24:25Pity they couldn't manage a little flogging, though.
24:28Quite well in there.
24:30For a fossilised old fruit loop.
24:32We could hang out in the real world more often.
24:35You think so?
24:36Why not?
24:38You could be a sort of late developer.
24:40Sort of Grandma...
24:41Grandpa Moses.
24:43You're right.
24:45Absolutely right.
24:46Absolutely right.
24:46And it's never too late to start.
24:49From now on, I'm going to be brilliant and famous in the real world.
24:54No more fantasies.
24:55Jolly good.
24:57I'll get on to Jimmy Stewart right away,
24:59and we'll really turn the place upside down.
25:04Come Christmas, I should at least be front-runner for President.
25:08My fellow Americans.
25:11Think not what your country can do for you,
25:16but what you can do for your country.
25:20Dear God,
25:21if you want to prove to me that you really do exist,
25:24blow him up.
25:25I have a dream!
25:31I have a dream!
25:36I have a dream!
25:36I have a dream!
25:59begun!
26:06Until tomorrow!
26:07A very happy life!
26:08There's no lie.
26:09Do you have no problem?
26:16Go on for that to action!
26:17Yeah?
26:22You can have hope to help with him do things better.
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