- 3 minutes ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:27Piano music
00:47oh god what's that I just said oh god ah oh god
00:58hmm about time of course what about time you appealed to the almighty oh god
01:05he's probably got that bit I was not making an appeal to some dubious and probably fictional
01:12deity I was merely saying oh god oh god might as well forgive her she knows not what she does
01:22or what she says when you talk to god why do you look into the treetops he's called a squirrel
01:29no he's not a squirrel you mustn't blaspheme I just don't believe in god he's probably got
01:36fairly severe reservations about you too it's very hard not having any faith all very well for you
01:43wifty wafties who have got faith you don't have to think anymore it's all solved us poor serensers
01:48we have to think it all out for ourselves I'd love to have faith I'd love to be able to
01:54go down to
01:54the corner Indian and say I have a problem with the ultimate destiny of the species give me a pound
01:59of faith please if you went down the corner Indian you'll probably get the wrong faith too oh well
02:05there you are you see that's the other point someone's got to be wrong it's either billions
02:09of them or billions of us there is no god prove it hello tom how are you today there's my
02:17proof
02:18if you're god so smart how come he chose this clockwork ding dong to run his local supporters club
02:24don't take any notice Jane she's been chewing barbed wire again oh Diana it's such a glorious day
02:32you've been drizzling for five hours you're sippering men well I bet it's a lovely day up above those
02:39clouds I bet it's a right little scorcher in Eritrea as well see your silly god can't even get the
02:45weather
02:46right either getting burnt to a crisp or getting fungus around the ankles from the rising dam
02:51is there something amiss oh only life Jane when you wake up to the appalling vileness and iniquities
03:01of this evolved flotsam we call mankind I just want to go out and find Mary Poppins and blow her
03:08stupid brains out well I don't feel like that at all personally I'm gloriously happy oh my heart is
03:17just so full today oh do you stop gushing Jane there's one thing I can't stand this morning some
03:24half-witted neurotic gushing all over the place what has got into you oh I'm just so happy and why
03:30is that Jane I've lost my heart lost your heart very careless of you how splendid Jane do tell us
03:39all about it he came to me in the night and there he was his arms open and then it
03:50happened anyone we
03:52know whom Harvey Baines no it was Jesus Christ who came to me in the night he came unto me
04:02he
04:02called me I'm going to become a nun
04:06Jesus Christ
04:08Jesus Christ
04:18leave it to me
04:21leave it to me
04:26leave it to me
04:29leave it to me
04:31Here we go, here we go, here we go
04:35I am the king, and I am the king
04:41Come here, brother, walk your day
04:45Brother, brother, brother, brother, brother
04:49I can't eat with that gin going on
04:52Kindly machine gun the choir
04:55She's chivalrous nuts, I can tell you
04:56We can't get a thing done
04:57Because she keeps bonging on prayer meetings every 10 days
05:00This place is supposed to be non-sectarian
05:02I pay for religious neutrality
05:04And all I get is this religious maniac tearing the place down
05:10Ah, the old bread of heaven
05:14Or should I say the old rabbit stew and dehydrated mash of heaven
05:19Why do you encourage her?
05:21Oh, I love her sing-along, we all love her sing-along here
05:23Well, I don't
05:24Except you, but you're not normal so you don't count
05:28Marching as to war
05:31With the...
05:32Oh, isn't she doing so well?
05:34She'll probably bring on a few coronaries
05:36But what a nice way to go
05:39Who's that at the door?
05:42Some humanoid masquerading as a woman
05:44Probably Arby Baines' mother
05:46Oh, yes, Mr Baines asked if he could have a word with you after lunch
05:49As representatives of the inmate
05:51I mean the rest of us
05:53What about?
05:53Probably a new economy drive
05:55Wants to shoot one in five of us
05:57The summer fate
05:58Ah, yes
05:59The fate worse than death
06:05The fate worse than death
06:06The fate worse than death
06:07I heard you the first time
06:10She's not doing it
06:11I beg your pardon?
06:12She's still not doing it
06:14Well, that's a great shame
06:16Never mind
06:17If she's not doing it, she's not doing it
06:20What isn't she doing?
06:23The summer fate
06:24I am not going to run it this time
06:26Well, I wasn't going to ask you to
06:27Why not?
06:30Because that's not why I asked you here
06:31Well, you must want something
06:33I've asked you here to meet someone who's coming to join the staff
06:36You can't afford any more staff
06:38Diana, I will decide what I can and can't afford
06:40I feel Jane needs, what, a bit of a hand
06:43You mean because she's off her trolley with this religious stuff?
06:45I want to give her room to move
06:48It's your fault, you know
06:49And how is that?
06:50Well, she's mad about you
06:51Terrible crush
06:52Diana, please
06:53And it is unrequited love
06:54So she is turning sexual frustration into religious fanaticism
06:59It's up to you to release the manic tension within the poor bat
07:04And how am I supposed to do that?
07:08I wish I hadn't asked that question
07:10I don't think that's a valid option
07:13But I've found someone to share her load
07:16Another Jane
07:17Don't be ridiculous
07:18There can't be two such genetic throwbacks within one planet
07:21Her name is Greta Muller
07:23Well, she is she
07:26And as the most influential of the residents
07:29I wanted you to meet her first
07:30What's wrong with her?
07:31Nothing
07:31And why is she coming to work here?
07:34Probably just the right lack of qualifications
07:37I sense a Harvey Baines con job coming on
07:40Have you quite finished?
07:41Hardly even started
07:43I'll get this one
07:49I don't like the sound of this Greta Muller
07:52I had an affair with a Greta once
07:54A famous movie star
07:56But a bit of a recluse
08:02Greta, this is Diana Trent and Tom Ballard
08:05Who I told you about
08:06How do you do?
08:07Miss Muller
08:08Good afternoon, Frau Muller
08:10Good afternoon, Frau Muller
08:12I would like you to know that I've forgiven and forgotten
08:15I beg your pardon
08:16The hostilities
08:17You know
08:18The big one
08:37ododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododod
08:38of war that's what they all say yeah i was one of the few you still are tom yeah i
08:52do not believe
08:52in living in the past really what do you believe in miss moeller with regard to running this three
08:58ring circus efficiency and caring mr and i'm a great believer in the efficient and humane
09:04management of the elderly as opposed to the sloppy and inhumane management of the elderly
09:11i've had a lot of experience in dealing with the aged then you'll know better than to refer
09:15to us as an anonymous group we are not the aged or the elderly and we do not wish to
09:21be managed
09:21this is a service industry not a charity we have paid we are here to be served not patronized
09:26nobody does us any favors i hope you comprehend these subtleties and no invading poland at weekends
09:36well i'm sure we will all get on very well now we know exactly where we stand good in fact
09:42i have
09:42already done your service mr and really yes your niece rang she was looking for her porsche motor car
09:49apparently she thought it was in the garage as you had crashed it so well of course i told her
09:54that it
09:54was fine and standing outside and she could come and collect it at any time when was this couple of
09:59hours ago oh my god tally-ho you think you can handle them he is no trouble at all she
10:11on the other hand
10:31she's stolen her car
10:49jane jane jane can you come in here please yes yes bless you too
11:00tom
11:05where are you today hawaii
11:10what are you doing hanging ten waiting for the big one
11:14you're far too old to go surfing no i'm not i'm 19 years old i have rippling muscles and numerous
11:22green shorts and there's a pretty californian girl waving to me from the beach what does she want
11:27what would any girl want with a hunk like me your abdominal support system maybe don't you believe
11:36it i'm getting good vibrations she's giving me excitation just concentrate on the waves hello diana god
11:47god bless you sit down jane oh do stop all this serene grinning look like the mona lisa on valium
11:59what did you want diana your job is in jeopardy harvey brain dead is going to fire you oh i
12:08doubt that's
12:09true and even if it were it would be the will of the lord no it would not be the
12:13will of the lord jane
12:14it would be the will of a stormtrooper called greta hitler what is tom doing he's surfing
12:22oh that's nice are you not concerned no not at all well what about your beloved harvey oh please
12:30diana there's nothing between me and mr baines no and there never will be if you let him give you
12:35the
12:35elbow he's not going to do that eva brown will though ducky do you think she wants her predecessor
12:42tramping around the compound for very long oh you mark my words the lord probably has some greater
12:48task in mind for me maybe missionary work in calcutta or up the amazon jane you can't even get to
12:56the
12:56corner shop without a map and a compass the lord will provide see you later see i can't get through
13:06to
13:07like many of the indecisive and feeble-minded she has decided to lay her fate in the lap of the
13:11gods what
13:12are we going to do i met that girl on the beach her name is peggy sue peggy sue she's
13:19invited me to a
13:20beach party we're going to roast marshmallows boogie and jive and have huge amounts of sex
13:29tom this is not hawaii this is bournemouth and the last time a woman took a second look
13:34at you was the day they stopped rationing
13:39peggy sue i love you with a love so rare and true
13:45dear god how am i supposed to fight our battles when my second in command is permanently stuck in a
13:51b
13:51grade movie where are you going where do you think to a slumber party of course
14:00antonio what are you doing what are you doing
14:06what are you doing mon brave ce sont les fleurs très belles je pense que vous avez perdu votre
14:13marbles n'est-ce pas
14:15it's portuguese what antonio is portuguese yes i know that but you were talking to him in french
14:22well i don't speak portuguese do i perhaps we better let him get on with work he was pulling up
14:29summer flowers approximately four months early i intend to break his fingers i believe he's
14:35following mr baines orders harvey what does he know about gardening gucci don't make wellies
14:40plans to cut back on the more labor-intensive areas of the gardens like flower beds this border is to
14:47be turfed over over my dead body i'm sure that would be necessary antonio restez-vous là ne fait rien
14:59continue she won't be here much longer i will
15:16good morning all goodness somebody died
15:22no we'd have shared out the extra cornflakes at breakfast
15:27just the usual touch of the waiting for god blues eh the trouble with you lot is you don't get
15:32out
15:32in about enough you should have been with me yesterday i went surfing in hawaii and then
15:38had the most amazing sexual marathon with a young lady called peggy sue
15:45i don't think you should talk like that in front of these people these people what's the matter with
15:50these people well they're old you mean i can't make risky remarks in front of old people you could
15:56offend but i know them i wouldn't do that they're my friends look at basil here basil fought in the
16:02trenches the first time we beat you he and his worthy comrades told dirty jokes for months on end
16:11and spent long nights dreaming of making love to beautiful women dressed like christmas crackers
16:16isn't that so bass boy
16:20well maybe i find your remarks offensive in that case i apologize but humbly suggest that you
16:26might be in the wrong job i'm afraid that around this campfire we're a bunch of rather raunchy old cowpokes
16:35yeah
16:40steady on the beans boys what we need is a good old sing song right
16:47what about roll me over in the clover that's a jolly good one come on let's go
16:59this piano is conspicuous by its absence the piano has gone well i can see that
17:07the piano was removed by me oh you big much thing you
17:14because of complaints complaints from whom miss trent has registered an objection
17:20the piano has been removed diana wouldn't do that diana would do that
17:30oh and mr bellard i believe your son is having a meeting with mr baines at two
17:35if you could drop in at 2 30. oh jeffrey what for you'll see
17:42i feel that things have become rather confused at bayview i hope to be sorting them out very soon
18:03hello tom where are you today waikiki
18:10oh dear peggy sue run out of marshmallows has she
18:16i'm not talking to you well you just did no i didn't
18:23you're a turncoat turncoat what is this dick whittington
18:27you're a traitor a backstabber a fifth columnist an ally of beelzebub
18:34i am a busy girl i wouldn't say we had a friendship because
18:38i know that's an impossibility with someone as emotionally added as you are but i did think
18:44at least we were some sort of allies absolutely one for all t for two all that jazz you're not
18:50funny you're not witty you're pathetic what has brought on this childish and petulant display
18:58you know perfectly well do i yes you're a wicked killjoy that is what you are
19:03and you know something else what you have fat ankles
19:11thank you tom it's most kind
19:16hello diana god bless you go away i am you am what i am going away good end of the
19:26week
19:27but i thought you were staying to train up the furer fraulein well i was but uh well she seems
19:34to
19:34think she has everything under control we'll shortly have the trains running on time as well
19:40must say i was a bit surprised at half a uh mr baines's attitude how do you mean well when
19:47i said i
19:48wanted to become a nun well i do i mean well i did i mean i do make your mind
19:54up jane well i was more
19:56sort of floating the idea testing the water you know you mean you wanted the unspeakable baines to
20:03say oh god jane don't leave me long have i yearned for you let us at once make the beast
20:09with two backs
20:11well i would have liked a little show of appreciation i didn't really expect him to say
20:17oh wonderful idea and drag that thingy woman in i think i deserved a little more than that
20:23oh not much i don't expect much in life just a little appreciation oh jane this really is last hope
20:32house isn't it mr tom time for your meeting what is going on and that is the position tom i'm
20:47sorry
20:48but you know life must go on new brooms and all that time and motion care and management i mean
20:54she's not really in your court you know i mean she's not in anybody's court you know diana selfish to
20:59the last and she's disruptive what do you think jeffrey you know me dad i just want what's good for
21:06you marion oh i just want the best for you too and i know how much you like it here
21:12do i you wouldn't
21:15want to come home would you that's very true and what she ever done for you won't even let you
21:22play
21:22the piano and she's always making jokes about you behind your back jokes really yeah she's calling
21:31you a senile old lun with bad wind well maybe it's true now look tom we don't want you to
21:41do anything
21:42that would be against your conscience as a human being how about my conscience as a non-human being
21:48how about my conscience as a hedgehog i'm sorry you're not a hedgehog dad don't start debating
21:56with him you'll just get lost it's very simple it's all in the small print of your lease agreement
22:00the small print
22:04the properly constituted residents association can should the need arise pass majority resolutions
22:10about the running of the village and the admissibility of the residents therein so we convene a
22:19residents association meeting to vote diana off the premises you're the only one who could do it
22:25dad they all respect you they're all scared trousers of the old witch yes and as president of the
22:30residents association you'd be entitled to many perks and a rebate if you die in the last quarter of
22:35any financial year oh that's comforting well i suppose there is only one course of action jolly
22:45good that's the spirit it's a sensible decision dan i will convene the residents association and
22:49to declare you president immediately fix the old car
22:56the train may shock antonio very naughty
23:01croat it uncocious stupid
23:06diana whatever is it jesus dancing across the duck pond tom tom walking on the water yes well that
23:13sounds more likely
23:14they're all signing a petition to get rid of you what it's that german woman oh she's the devil in
23:25human form she's been sent to tempt harvey he has been found wanting antonio put the flowers back
23:37back now tell me what's been going on and in plain english not in biblical metaphor
23:58tom
24:02tom will you please come over here i can't talk now if you want to talk to me you come
24:12over here
24:20why are you doing this to me doing what this this petition jane's just told me about it it's the
24:27process of democracy at work diana democracy is for the simple-minded throw it in the bin oh that's
24:33typical of you diana what about the piano and the sing-alongs i didn't put the kibosh on them
24:38do you deny you didn't complain about them of course i don't deny it i complain about everything
24:44not my fault if once in a blue moon somebody actually listens to my complaints let alone acts
24:48we lost a piano and the sing-alongs and a silence has fallen on the stalag
24:54i'm thinking of tunneling out i shall have to talk to dicky attenborough and the escape committee
25:02don't start drifting off now listen i am sorry about the piano i will request
25:07nay demand it's immediate return all right it's too late diana look tom
25:11i am fed up with people trying to chuck me out of here
25:16look during my life i have spent my money and spoken my mind so i have few friends and little
25:23cash i never had any children so there is nobody i can make feel morally obliged to take me in
25:30it would be a real pain in the bottom to have to find somewhere else now and that is the
25:36only reason
25:37you don't want to leave what other reason might there be
25:43none at all guyana none at all tom this does not come easily to me please do not make my
25:53life any more
25:54intolerable please will you tear up the petition
26:03dan it's tom actually
26:07i'm sorry diana there is nothing i can do a signed petition is one of the cornerstones of democracy
26:12it expresses the will of the people sod the people
26:16and i am honor bound to deliver it tom now basil get your specs on
26:27mr baines as president of the residence association i have to inform you formally
26:32that we have a petition to present to you well goodness well jolly good present away
26:37i have enlisted basil makepeace our oldest inhabitant to read the petition to the assembled company
26:45don't want to put the blade in yourself hey smart move this petition has been signed by all the
26:51residents bar one that was hardly surprising and of course as per our agreed rules of management you
26:59are obliged to act in accordance with its request quite right dad thank you harry
27:08that's all
27:13we the undersigned residents of the bayview retirement village request the immediate removal
27:20from the village of uh greater miller the new matrix we also require the immediate reinstatement of jane
27:30edwards and a new piano in the dining room
27:40that's all
27:40i will get you for this
27:42if it is the last thing i ever do i will get you for this
27:49it's
27:50i
27:59i
28:00i
28:01i
28:01i
28:02i
28:02i
Comments