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00:20I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:47play now pay later join the 18 to 30 club oh just a ticket but it was a silly Tom
00:55for you they'd
00:55need a 70 to dead club what a terrible idea money back if you conk out before takeoff all wind
01:02servers
01:03equipped with walking frames complimentary oxygen in every room that's enough Diana you and I ought
01:10to go to some of these resorts parade naked up and down the beaches with placards saying hello
01:15young people we are your future that is quite appalling no it isn't why do you always have
01:22to disagree with me what one should always disagree with everyone about everything on principle conflict
01:28is what keeps you alive but what for what to disagree with people I've just said that don't
01:33you ever listen to me you disagree with people to keep alive to disagree with people yes having a
01:39conversation with you is like jumping off a cliff however exhilarating it is to start with you know
01:44there's been to come a time and you're really going to regret it Diana oh hello Jane please don't bother
01:52to knock just barge right in I don't mind I know there is no privacy in a glue factory so
01:59sorry would
02:01you like me to go out again what do you want what why are you here why are we all
02:07here in fact are we
02:09here at all or are we all not quite here Jane why are you here I work here oh yes
02:21I remember now have
02:25you taken your pill you know your pill what you mean my steroids yes I've been successfully remembering
02:34to take them for the past eight years steroids are you having a sex change just mind your own
02:42business they're for her polymyalgia her poly what polymyalgia is it a parrots disease no it's a joint and
02:52muscular thing sometimes mistaken for arthritis the steroids keep it at bay Diana has to take them
03:00every day oh fascinating have you two quite finished would you like me to leave the room
03:08while you discuss me limb by limb sorry old thing keep your lid off you have taken your pill yes
03:15oh it's
03:16just that Harvey is concerned our beloved leader is concerned about my health of course why is he
03:23thinking of renting me out oh I just happened to mention your thingy and he was immediately concerned
03:30oh was he in fact he asked me to ask you to drop in on him yes so he could
03:36see how you are tell him
03:37I'm fine please Diana for me this afternoon it's just that I look a bit inefficient if I can't carry
03:46out
03:47simple requests all right Jane oh thank you well I'll be off then bye I wonder what planet that woman
03:57is
03:57really from I've got an invitation oh that's nice funeral is it not at all just the opposite but someone's
04:08invited you to a birth extraordinarily tasteless a christening actually my nephew and niece Ron and
04:17Sally request the pleasure of my company at the christening of their son Sylvia Sylvia
04:27Sylvester oh oh yes of course Sylvester they have another one called treaty pie so silly and the
04:37treaties were named after the treaties of Versailles just stop this quaintly dotted non sequential stuff
04:47this phony senility won't wash with me you're quite capable of logical reasoning so just stop trying
04:56to fill the role of the charmingly balmy old codger you want to watch out and start believing it's the
05:03real you they'll start patting you on the knee and talking to you slowly and carefully and then
05:10you'll start nodding and smiling and then they'll be saying how you're not long for this world you've
05:15had a good run for your money and you won't want to disappoint them so you'll have a stroke just
05:19to be
05:19obliged and then when you're paralyzed and dribbling they'll start talking at you even louder and because
05:27you can't reply they'll think you can't think or hear either so they won't even bother to leave the
05:32room while they discuss how they'll redecorate it after you've gone and hasn't anyone asked the quack
05:37how much longer you'll be and aren't you being a bit selfish hanging on for yet another winter and
05:41don't you realize there's another generation knocking at the door does this mean you don't want to come to
05:46the christening it's being held at my son's place no I do not want to come I don't like your
05:52family
05:54don't you like anyone no all the people I liked are dead too late to start liking new people too
06:02much
06:17responsibility
06:18Diana it's so nice to see you yes indeed it's been so long how have you been since breakfast
06:26yes but we don't get a chance you know interface on a one-to-one basis interface communicate
06:32interrelate oh you mean talk to each other I couldn't have put it better myself so you've
06:37just proved about what do you wish to interrelate our faces Harvey this is your file get to the
06:45point this is your initial application for a place here at Bayview I remember it a most
06:50impertinent document but necessary necessary that we do know everything about potential residents
06:57medically yes well as you know Bayview is run by a group of dedicated doctors in conjunction with
07:03fiscal resource development analysts tax dodgers taxation specialists a bunch of middle-class cowboys
07:10now now Diana and one of the ways we were they managed to keep the cost down for everyone is
07:16in the
07:16careful medical vetting of potential residents I mean you don't want anyone here who can't be held
07:21together by Jane and her packet of band-aids in this country we do have hospitals for the sick
07:26Bayview is not a hospital it is a retirement village a new concept in elderly care keep going
07:33there's no mention on your form of your polymyalgia no I've been coping with my polymyalgia for
07:41several years now it's none of your business oh well it is no you see the board these doctors
07:46yes who are sworn to care for the sick when they're doctoring but not when they're investing
07:53I don't make the rules Diana get to the point boy
08:01the situation will have to be reviewed by the board you mean I might get slung out it's not up
08:05to me
08:06Diana I have a renewable lease on my accommodation here I think if you look at the small print
08:13when is this review in a couple of days thank you oh Diana yes your niece rang she's such a
08:22nice girl
08:22she wants to kill me no she just wants her Porsche back she said she'd be down this afternoon to
08:29collect it now you will be around won't you of course morning there it is
08:45pay him off what I'm taking you to the christening sorry my bird wants to go for a bit of
08:55a burn in the old
08:56horse why did you change your mind because I like cuddly little babies righto everybody big smile
09:16well including you Diana
09:18smile for god's sake
09:22that didn't hurt
09:28couldn't they afford a photographer
09:31my boy is a very keen amateur photographer who takes all the family photographs
09:35but that Marion cracked a few lenses
09:37what is the matter with you today
09:39come on let's get there before she soaks up all the gin
09:50hello coochie coochie what is it Geoffrey
09:53coochie coochie coo dad
09:55oh yes coochie coochie coo
09:58oh I remember you at that age Geoffrey
10:01oh what an ugly baby you were always sniveling
10:04yes dad could you hold the baby while I get a shot
10:07you won't drop him will you
10:10of course not
10:11of course not
10:16never dropped Geoffrey mind you
10:18when you look at his choice of wife
10:20you'd think someone had dropped him on his head
10:22that's enough dad
10:26I wasn't smiling
10:27don't worry dad I'll take your smile off one of the church shops
10:30you'll do what?
10:31doctor the picture a bit from here a bit from there
10:33by the time I finish it'll look like we're quite a normal family
10:36that'll be the day
10:42aren't you drinking?
10:44I'm driving
10:49you know you're about as welcome here as the Black Death
10:53and twice as effective I can assure you
10:57why don't you go away before you get damaged?
11:00Tom hasn't got any money you know
11:02nothing for you to get your claws into
11:04this house is ours
11:06yes I'm sure it is
11:09so why have you latched on to him?
11:11I mean he bores for the world eleven
11:13he's a dreadful fibber
11:15and does disgusting things in the bathroom
11:19oh go away dear
11:20I'm sure there's still plenty of gin you could suck out of the carpets
11:25then of course Jonathan Swift proposed that babies should be eaten
11:28you know like a Sunday roast
11:30thank you dad
11:31he thought
11:32that the poor could earn an honest bob or two
11:34by providing babies for the rich man's table
11:37that sounds really disgusting
11:39well it would depend on the cooking of course
11:41I mean
11:43chipolatas
11:44spuns
11:47she kicked me
11:48she bloody kicked me
11:50oh Jeffy that terrible woman kicked me
11:53do something
11:55do something
11:57do something
12:04don't bother to see us out
12:06we're fine
12:06sorry about the
12:07erm
12:08fine
12:09right
12:10erm
12:10ah well
12:12what's the matter with you?
12:13she was irritating me
12:14Marion irritates everyone
12:15but we don't all kick the bejesus out of her
12:18well you're a fine one to talk
12:19telling them they should barbecue their rotten child
12:22well my family
12:24anyway they expect me to be mildly awful
12:27but they don't expect my friends to beat them up
12:30am I your friend Tom?
12:33well
12:34yes I suppose so
12:35that's a pity
12:37oh
12:39well friends aren't always around are they?
12:42no
12:42no
12:43I suppose not
12:45can't always be
12:46relied on
12:47they're not supposed to be relied on
12:49friends
12:50just are
12:51friendship is a state of being
12:54er
12:54you know
12:57thing-o-me
12:59no
13:00no
13:00I think you're better off without it really
13:08so how's the christening?
13:10I kicked the hostess
13:12Tom suggested they ate the child
13:15it was all a great success
13:16okay me
13:21Diana you're looking at me
13:22so?
13:24well you have very piercing eyes
13:26like a vulture
13:30you're making me feel well
13:31you know
13:32guilty?
13:33sorry?
13:33you feel guilty for betraying me
13:35oh Diana I didn't
13:37then how else did Harvey Baines find out about my affliction?
13:39pillow talk was it?
13:41oh Diana I'm not that sort of woman
13:44and certainly not with Harvey
13:46er Mr Baines
13:47but I thought you were besotted with him
13:49oh Diana please
13:50well I thought the only reason you worked 24 hours a day for slaves wages
13:54was that so that you could be forever close to Harvey Smoothie Tops Baines
13:58well known slime from outer space
14:01oh you're being really nasty today
14:04it's not like you
14:05it's very like me
14:06no it's not
14:07usually your nastiness is just plain nastiness
14:11but today your nastiness is really nasty nastiness
14:15Jane because of your brainless behaviour
14:17that Baines creature now has the chance to get rid of me
14:20oh I'm sorry
14:21it just slipped out
14:24I should have known something was amiss
14:25when Harvey started dancing round his office
14:29what are you gonna do?
14:31well I expect I'll have to leave won't I
14:33but what about Tom?
14:35he'll fall apart without you
14:37I'll have to bring him down to earth with a bump
14:39is there anything I can do?
14:42yes
14:43you can get me a list of board members will you?
14:46why?
14:46well because I asked you
14:48or do I have to pay you 30 pieces of silver?
14:51oh Diane!
14:52oh!
15:06Tom?
15:12come in number five your time is up
15:15oh god
15:18Tom?
15:19come back down here you old fool
15:24oh bloody hell
15:28what ho?
15:29oh nice of you to drop in
15:32guess where I've been
15:33you haven't been anywhere
15:34I've been to Afghanistan
15:36no you haven't
15:37I went in search of Kurdish tribesmen
15:40rubbish
15:40I found them too in their black tents
15:42I asked them about their nomadic traditions
15:45and they asked me
15:47who shot JR?
15:51they're a bit behind in their soaps
15:53to the north of Kathmandu
15:56you haven't been anywhere Tom
15:58you've been sitting here
15:59you've been trying to pass some of that endless time
16:01they keep dumping on us
16:03Diana please
16:03the rules
16:04no Tom no
16:05you've got to stop playing these silly games
16:07you're here
16:08this is life
16:09this is fact
16:11you're not a friend of Ronald Reagan
16:14you've never climbed Everest
16:16and you've certainly never danced the black bottom with Jane Russell
16:20oh yes I did
16:21oh no you did not
16:22you've spent your life as a boring accountant
16:26you've achieved nothing
16:27and you'll leave nothing behind
16:31why are you being so cruel Diana?
16:34for your own good
16:35I don't understand
16:37oh Tom
16:38you can't live your life in cotton wool
16:41you've got to grow yourself a hard shell
16:44or the bastards will get you
16:47can I join you for lunch?
16:50no you can't
16:51why not?
16:55er...
16:55because I'm lunching with someone else
16:58huh?
16:59old Bill Rowlands
17:00I'm sorry
17:03old Bill Rowlands
17:07old Bill Rowlands?
17:08he died a couple of months ago
17:09we went to the funeral
17:12she was rude to the vicar
17:17what's going on?
17:24board members
17:28board members
17:29board members
17:35quack!
17:36what?
17:38oh my heart
17:40poor Lily died
17:41what do you think you're doing?
17:44just popped up to the ear
17:45see if there were any eggs to hatch
17:48Mr. Baines isn't here
17:50I wasn't looking for Mr. Baines
17:52I was looking for you
17:53I saw you creeping in here
17:56what are you up to?
17:57nothing
17:57nothing at all
17:59I'm completely innocent
18:00I am
18:01cross my heart and hope to die
18:03oh do be quiet woman
18:04I want to know what's going on
18:06and I want to know now
18:09you're getting very bossy Tom
18:11too much time talking with Diana
18:13for the last 34 hours
18:14I've hardly spoken to her at all
18:16she's cut me dead
18:18hasn't eaten anything
18:19and has withdrawn from the
18:21mixed croquet ladder
18:23oh and she loves to cheat at croquet
18:26precisely
18:26so what's the matter with her?
18:28probably remorse
18:30remorse? Diana?
18:32she doesn't know the meaning of the word
18:34so?
18:35I can't tell
18:37what can't you tell?
18:38what can't you tell?
18:39well I can't tell what I can't tell
18:40otherwise I'd be telling
18:41wouldn't I?
18:43why can't you tell?
18:45well Diana made me swear
18:46not to tell you she was leaving Bayview
18:48oh god
18:50oh she had cut my tongue out
18:52Diana leaving
18:53she is leaving
18:55no she isn't
18:56I never said that
18:58please don't say I said anything
19:00because I didn't
19:01oh god she'll kill me
19:03oh please Tom
19:04alright alright
19:06I won't say you said a word
19:08oh thank you Tom
19:09I'll put you at the top of the extra custard list
19:14I'm going to get to the bottom of this
19:22hello Janey
19:23oh Harvey
19:26it was me
19:27whatever it was
19:28I didn't do it
19:29Jane
19:30you're prattling
19:31sorry Harvey
19:33you see this
19:34you know what it is Jane?
19:36it's a bottle of cheap champagne Harvey
19:39it's a bottle of champagne Jane
19:42and after tomorrow's board meeting
19:44I'm going to open it
19:45drink it
19:45sing funny songs
19:47and dance around the grounds
19:48and do you know why Jane?
19:49because you'll be drunk Harvey
19:52because I will be rid of one of them
19:54Diana Trent will be on her bike
19:56oh in her Porsche
19:57she hid it from the niece
19:59Diana will be but a distant memory
20:01without her Tom will crumble
20:03and we can get back to running this place
20:04as it should be run
20:06at a profit
20:08oh Harvey
20:09Jane you're touching me
20:11sorry
20:14Diana
20:17what do you want?
20:18can I come in?
20:20why?
20:21I want to talk to you
20:22so talk
20:23it's chilly out here
20:25well jump up and down
20:26run on the spot
20:31well?
20:32I can't run and talk at the same time
20:34well come in then
20:36it's not locked
20:44hello
20:45what is it?
20:46erm
20:48I want your body
20:52you wouldn't know what to do with it
20:55don't you believe it
20:57Jane Russell told me
20:59I made Cary Grant look like a Nancy boy
21:03no she didn't
21:04what do you want Tom?
21:07just thought that
21:09something might be troubling you
21:10why should you think that?
21:12well little things you know
21:14little things
21:15being a perfect cow to everyone
21:17throwing a lunch over the dining room
21:20just little things
21:21Tom?
21:23yes Diana?
21:24look I'm worried about you
21:26you're going to have to grow up
21:27you're going to have to be a man
21:28oh but I am
21:30Jane Russell told me
21:31shut up about Jane Russell
21:33just stay here with me for a moment
21:35in the here and now
21:36please
21:37right
21:37now
21:39you got married young
21:40right?
21:41yes
21:42and you had a wonderful wife
21:43who looked after you
21:44until she died
21:45yes
21:46and then you went to live with that
21:48offensive son of yours
21:49and his lizard of a wife
21:51yes
21:51and then you came here
21:53what a fascinating story it is so far
21:55shut up
21:56now when you got here
21:58there you went into a total decline
22:00you were either off
22:00in a world of your own
22:01or you were contemplating suicide
22:03then I met you
22:04and I played some small part
22:06in kicking you back
22:07into some semblance of life
22:09yes
22:09you taught me
22:11that to stay alive
22:13I had to be bloody minded
22:14thank you Diana
22:16but er
22:17would you be alright
22:18if I weren't here?
22:20so you are leaving
22:21who told you that?
22:22oh er
22:23no one told me
22:24Jane
22:24I'll twist her ears off
22:26why are you leaving?
22:28we are fighting the good fight here
22:30we are making some progress
22:31getting the place into shape
22:33a couple of years from now
22:35all the old folk
22:36for miles around
22:37will be clambering to get in
22:38Tom
22:39I'm not leaving of my own accord
22:42what do you mean?
22:44we're a pain
22:44in their corporate buttock
22:46Tom
22:48they're getting rid of me
22:49and they'll get you next
22:50they'll find a loophole
22:51and they'll shove you through
22:53and then where will you be?
22:54that's what worries me
22:55oh do stop going on about me
22:57this caring attitude
22:58doesn't suit you
22:59just tell me what the hell
23:01is going on
23:01or I'll
23:03I'll drag you into that bed with me
23:09well?
23:11my lips are sealed
23:17you swine
23:18good morning Tom
23:21you cad
23:22you bounder
23:23you dog
23:24do sit down Tom
23:26no I won't
23:27alright
23:27how can I help you?
23:28you could throw yourself under a bus to start with
23:31something's upsetting you
23:32you are
23:33you louse on the back of a worm
23:36could you give me a little hint about the general area of your problem?
23:39crimes against mankind
23:41could you be a little more specific?
23:44throwing defenceless old ladies out into the street
23:47oh you mean Diana
23:48that defenceless old lady
23:51yes
23:51the defenceless old lady that
23:53drives a stolen Porsche
23:55swears at members of the clergy and kicks people
23:58right
24:01Tom
24:01do you believe in the concept of truth?
24:05of course
24:05well Diana didn't tell the truth on her application form
24:09so?
24:10so she shouldn't be here
24:11she should be in a place more capable of looking after her
24:14as her condition deteriorates she's going to need proper care
24:18well
24:18well
24:20well I can look after her
24:24well
24:25we can rush her to hospital
24:26and should she only partially recover
24:29and still need help
24:30she would have no place established
24:33so to qualify for this little Nirvana
24:35you have to prove that you can die quickly
24:38and cleanly
24:39with no fuss
24:40or no need of care
24:41I'm just an employee Tom
24:43I don't make the rules
24:45when's the board meeting?
24:47this afternoon
24:55where are you going?
24:56to see my family
24:58to see my family
24:58give Marian a belt
24:59for me
25:04this is the place
25:09wait here please
25:17good morning
25:18I would like a very naughty magazine please
25:22oh
25:23naughtier than that
25:28Dad!
25:28I can't do that
25:31I've never heard of anything so disgusting
25:33it's really not on Dad
25:36alright
25:37just a thought
25:40of course she goes
25:42I go
25:43what?
25:44I'm a man of principle Marian
25:47John F Kennedy told me that
25:49I would have to leave
25:50Bayview as well
25:52but where would you go?
25:54well
25:55here of course
25:57what do we always say?
25:59your home is my home
26:00my home is your home
26:02you haven't got a home
26:03it's the principle Marian
26:05to hell with the principle
26:08I'm not having
26:09swarms of geriatric loonies
26:12all over the house
26:14do what he wants
26:15yes
26:20ah Harvey
26:21glad I've caught you
26:22I'm a bit busy Tom
26:23it's a board meeting
26:23oh it won't take a minute
26:24I want you to look at some of my holiday snaps
26:27couldn't it wait
26:28not if you want to keep your job
26:34naughty pictures Tom
26:36I don't think you've looked quite closely enough
26:41oh my god
26:43that man
26:44it's me
26:46and the lady in the boots
26:47it's Jane
26:50that's not me
26:52it's your face
26:53but it's not my body
26:55it certainly isn't Jane's body
26:58look I don't know what you're playing at Tom
27:00but I find this quite obscene
27:01no more obscene
27:02than trying to bung old Diana out
27:05into the cold cold snow
27:07what are you serious
27:08you're gonna try and blackmail me with these
27:09yes
27:10but anyone can see that's not me
27:14only if they see you naked
27:15are you prepared to strip off in front of the board
27:21that's a nice try Tom
27:23but I'm not a fool
27:24and neither of the board excuse me
27:26oh uh
27:27if you want to come with me and show those pictures to the board
27:29you're more than welcome
27:31but I think you might look a bit silly
27:34this is real life Tom
27:36I'm sorry
27:43so to work we go
27:48hello Tom
27:48where are you off to today
27:50somewhere exciting
27:53Afghanistan
27:53Argentina
27:55are you hanging around Custer's last stand again
27:59I'm here
28:00oh
28:01well it's nice to see you
28:05what makes you so cheerful
28:07it was a nice day
28:09you're glad you're leaving aren't you
28:10had enough of us old
28:12fruit loops
28:14off to the south of France eh
28:16get a toy boy
28:17well go ahead
28:20enjoy yourself
28:21I'm not going anywhere Tom
28:23send me a PC if you remember
28:28you're not going
28:29no
28:29what about the board meeting
28:31I was a journalist Tom
28:33not all my chums are dead
28:36last night the board members were asked
28:38if they would like to be interviewed
28:39about the tax advantages of investing in homes for the elderly
28:42there was much spluttering and grovelling throughout the land
28:48so you'll be staying
28:50I think there's a strong possibility
28:52oh you
28:54you
28:54oh
28:56oh
28:57oh
29:05you dirty old man
29:07no no
29:08you don't understand
29:10oh I think I do
29:11you bloody old fool
29:15and I don't know
29:17oh
29:17oh
29:18oh
29:18oh
29:27oh
29:32oh
29:33oh
29:33oh
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