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00:28Textning Stina Hedin www.btistudios.com
00:47Come in.
00:50You wanted to see me, Harvey.
00:52I do indeed, Jane.
00:53In fact, I must say it's a positive delight to see you looking so wonderful.
00:57Sit down.
01:00You, Jane, are my strong right arm.
01:02And your permanent right arm, since the Residence Committee insisted on it.
01:07Yes.
01:08And isn't it wonderful to have such a clever Residence Committee?
01:11All those charming old people being able to use the wisdom of their years
01:14to tell me how to run this place.
01:16Even if I do have all those weeks of management training behind me.
01:20Well, I think it was very clever of you to set up the Residence Committee.
01:24Oh, yes, wasn't it?
01:25And what wondrous motions they passed in the last month.
01:28No restrictions on the use of musical instruments.
01:30Establishment of a permanently open bar.
01:33Request for a ten-person jacuzzi.
01:36The place is turning into a geriatric club med.
01:39Oh, well, they all seem a lot happier.
01:42And is that the object of the exercise here, Jane?
01:45Is it?
01:46Er, isn't it?
01:47No, it isn't, it isn't, it isn't.
01:50Well, I mean, it is, of course it is.
01:53We don't want the inmates to be miserable, but there are other forces at work here, Jane.
01:57Really?
01:58Well, what could have been more important than the happiness of the dear old people in the autumn of their
02:04years?
02:05The happiness of future generations of dear old people, Jane.
02:09And if this crop drives the place into the financial bogs, well, then the dear lovely doctors who finance us
02:14just might go back to putting their money into pine forests and goat breeding.
02:19And this, of course, would mean not only the demise of Bayview, but I doubt also our paths would ever
02:25cross again.
02:28Of course, we could still write to each other if we could afford the stamps.
02:33Oh, Harvey, I had no idea.
02:36No more you should, my dear.
02:38Your job is keeping these dear old people happy.
02:41Is there anything I can do?
02:43Well, I might have a little plan up my sleeve.
02:45Oh, good. Well, if you need any help, I'm your man.
02:49I mean, I'm your woman.
02:51Oh, I don't mean I'm your man.
02:54Well, I am your woman.
02:56Shut up, Jane.
02:59Come on, come on, chop, chop. Lunch at the grand. Let's not be late.
03:03Come on, Henry.
03:05You should have brought a bloody sheepdog.
03:07You should have come in. It was wonderful.
03:10I prefer my fish in breadcrumbs.
03:12Get a bit of the cars, will you?
03:15Henry, where the heck are you going?
03:18Come on, mush, mush.
03:22Come on, come on.
03:26You want some lunch?
03:27In you get.
03:28Come on.
03:29Well, this will scupper the outing's budget.
03:32Vote in for by the Residence Committee.
03:34Democracy at work.
03:35And it beats the hell out of going to Lewis in a minibus.
03:38Coming out of yourself, Tom.
03:40Not nearly such a tedious, boring old crank as you used to be.
03:42Well, thank you, Diana.
03:45And as we are banding in compliments around, may I say, you're just as vile and crabby as ever.
03:50Why, thank you, Tom.
03:51Smile, please.
03:54The grand hotel, old chum.
03:56And take the long way around so that people can look and wonder who these rich and successful old stiffs
04:01can be.
04:17I think our beloved leader, Harvey Peabrain Baines, the athlete's foot from the Black Lagoon,
04:25and the soot from the flue of life, he who shall be scraped from one's shoe.
04:29Get to the point.
04:31Well, I think Baines is up to something.
04:33Probably wants to curb your use of extravagant metaphor.
04:37Came into the dining room this morning, kept smiling at me.
04:40Perhaps he's on one of these mind-altering drugs.
04:43I doubt it.
04:44There'd be nothing for it to work on.
04:46No.
04:47If Baines is smiling, it means he's found a way to save money or get rid of us.
04:53We must watch our flanks, Brigadier.
04:55Maybe we could get the Residence Committee to fire him.
04:57Oh, God, no.
04:58We might get someone reasonable.
05:00Won't that be good?
05:00Certainly not.
05:01Baines baiting is one of my few remaining pleasures.
05:04Keep still.
05:05You're using a lot of film on me.
05:07Have you developed some erotic fixation for me?
05:11Or is it your intention to make me your love slave?
05:16Am I not pin-up material?
05:18Not quite.
05:19You're a bit old.
05:20A bit old?
05:21Oh, maybe so, but it'll come, it'll come.
05:25Now the population's getting older,
05:27you'll soon have magazines like Playboy just for us.
05:33Play Granny.
05:36Pull-out pensioner of the month.
05:39Diana Trent, 38, 38, 38.
05:42Whose hobbies are driving people up the wall
05:45and attending her friend's funeral.
05:48Thank you, Tom.
05:50I'll have a word with Hugh Hefner about it this afternoon.
05:54Bunny girls.
05:56What do you call an old bunny girl?
05:58Rabbit stew?
06:01Thank you, Tom.
06:03Bad enough living in a society that reveres everything ancient but itself
06:07without you highlighting its grotesqueries.
06:09So why are you taking photos of me?
06:11Well, I'm just keeping my hand in.
06:12I did used to be a photojournalist.
06:14But why me?
06:15I mean, I'm hardly a war zone.
06:18How about a natural disaster?
06:21I'll ignore that.
06:22Well, I haven't got any film in my camera, anyway.
06:24What?
06:26Look, why not?
06:27How very rude.
06:29I've been sitting here for hours,
06:31carefully sporting nothing but my best angle.
06:34They're not taking photos the day they fired me from the post.
06:37And why did he do that?
06:39You hit someone?
06:40I'd reached retirement age.
06:42One day I was an ace reporter.
06:44The next day I was just an embarrassing old sack of bones
06:47to be left out with the rubbish.
06:48I wouldn't wait to get out
06:50after 40 years of mind-bending tedium.
06:54I took Carmen Miranda to my retirement party
06:57and we danced a cha-cha-cha on my gold watch.
07:01Then I met up with Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tensing
07:04and did a quick clamber up Everest.
07:07That's enough, Tom.
07:08Bad enough coping with your meanderings through old movies.
07:11Kindly don't start buggering about with recent history.
07:15Well, I couldn't wait to retire.
07:17Yes, well, that's the difference, isn't it?
07:18Some people want to retire, other people don't.
07:20I think the system could be geared to accommodate both.
07:23But couldn't you get some other freelance assignments?
07:26No, I became ill.
07:27Old polymyalgia set in.
07:29No, sir.
07:29All those infernal pills, creaking joints.
07:32You were ready to retire anyway?
07:33It was my loss of status as a person
07:37that caused the illness, you fool.
07:39Oh, sorry.
07:45My God.
07:47What?
07:48It's my niece,
07:51the Clapham Strangler herself.
07:53Where?
07:54Well, there.
07:55Look, she's just going to the house.
07:57I didn't see her.
07:58Well, look, there's our Porsche.
08:00Well, it's her Porsche.
08:01It must be her.
08:01Ah, I see.
08:04I parked my Porsche, therefore I exist.
08:07Porsche, oh, ergo, soon.
08:08What's she doing here?
08:10She'll probably come to see her beloved auntie.
08:12If you can't stand me, she'll probably come to poison me.
08:15Or mine in the dining room.
08:17You don't think that's Max of senile paranoia, do you?
08:20Certainly not.
08:21She's my niece.
08:22I taught her all she knows.
08:24Maybe I'll go back and spend the weekend in Hawaii.
08:27Bet she's plotting with Baines.
08:30I'm going to go and scrutinise my will.
08:33Make sure it all goes with me.
08:46Psst.
08:49Psst, Tom.
08:51Yes?
08:53Tom.
08:55Yes?
08:57Tom.
08:59Is that you, God?
09:01Has my time come?
09:03Are you calling me God?
09:05It's Jane.
09:07Jane?
09:08Yes.
09:10Jane.
09:11Goodness.
09:12I always assumed that God was a bloke.
09:15Good.
09:16It'll shut the feminists up.
09:18Tom, it's me, Jane.
09:20I'm behind you.
09:27Hello, Jane.
09:30Did you know you have the same name as God?
09:34I don't know.
09:35But why are you whispering?
09:37I don't want Diana to hear.
09:39Hear what?
09:40Me whispering.
09:41Well, she won't hear you whispering if you stop whispering and talk normally.
09:46I want to talk about her in private.
09:49What about her?
09:51Has she been behaving normally lately?
09:54By whose standards?
09:55Your person.
09:56Fine.
09:57Quite normal.
09:59By other people's standards.
10:01Absolutely crackers.
10:03What's she been doing?
10:04Well, she asked me last week if I thought God was a squirrel.
10:07And this week she's been going around taking photographs of everything without any film in her camera.
10:12So you think she's incapable of handling her own affairs?
10:14I haven't noticed her having any affairs.
10:17I do.
10:19When I came back from Hawaii, I noticed Antonio the gardener looking pretty cocky.
10:23Maybe they've been having bouts of wild Latin passion in the potting shed.
10:28Or wild Latin potting in the passion shed.
10:33Thank you, Tom.
10:34And I'm sorry it had to come to this.
10:38Strange woman.
10:44What on earth are they doing here?
10:54How do you do?
10:56Sarah Snow, Diana Trent's niece.
10:58Geoffrey and Marion Ballard.
10:59I'm Tom's son.
11:00Oh, yes.
11:01Yes, I've heard of him.
11:02Not half as much as we've heard of your bloody aunt.
11:05You're so ashamed of yourself having an aunt like that.
11:07It's hardly her fault, Marion.
11:09Before he came here, he was just an old codger who sat around being a bit daft and smelly.
11:15Since she's warped his mind, he's nothing but trouble.
11:18Trouble, trouble, trouble.
11:20Trouble, trouble, trouble.
11:22Would you like a pill, dear?
11:23It'll work any more.
11:25At least when he was at home, we had some control over him.
11:28But now, him and that parlet aunt of yours?
11:32I believe that's why we're here.
11:34Because your aunt's a tart.
11:35What?
11:37Bain said he had a couple of ideas which might be to our mutual advantage.
11:41Drowning.
11:43That's all right.
11:44Drown the pair of them.
11:45That's the only solution.
11:46I think that's enough, Marion.
11:49My father tells me that you've often tried to kill your aunt
11:53Really?
11:54He says you tried to strangle her with some rosary beads
11:58Oh
11:59And that you frequently sent her poisoned chocolates
12:01And I still didn't succeed
12:04Just as well I'm more competent in running my business
12:06Than I am in murdering my aunt
12:09Don't stop trying though, will you?
12:12I think he was one of Tom's little exaggerations, Marion
12:14Oh, pity
12:17How do you feel about your aunt?
12:19Well
12:19Well, Miss Snow
12:23Geoffrey, Marion
12:25Well, here we are again
12:27Have you got your note?
12:28Yes, Dad and the Residence Committee do seem to be going a bit over the top
12:32She's put him up to it
12:34Quite possibly
12:35But the point is, if things continue
12:37There will be a significant reduction in profits
12:40This year, which means, of course
12:42Less dividends for the shareholders
12:43That's us, Geoffrey
12:45They're going to kill our investment
12:46Well, not necessarily
12:47How do you mean?
12:49Well, it did occur to me that life would be a lot easier for all of us
12:51If these dear old folk had people of, shall we say
12:54Greater responsibility and knowledge of the real world running their affairs
12:58If you get my drift
13:00No?
13:00Oh, don't be sick, Geoffrey
13:03What does he mean?
13:05Well
13:06I don't know
13:08Are you talking about power of attorney?
13:11Well, that's an interesting idea
13:14Of course, I know nothing about the law
13:16But I believe it actually entails going to the court of protection
13:19And registering them as people who might not be mentally competent to run their own affairs
13:24Nutters
13:26Then all you have to do is prove it
13:27And, uh, Robert is your father's brother
13:31Bob's your uncle
13:34Does this mean you can get your hands on their checkbooks?
13:37Yes
13:37How do you do it?
13:39Well, there is the question of proving mental incompetence
13:42And for that you need general witnesses and a medical opinion
13:44Well, I think I can probably find you a psychiatrist
13:47Wonderful
13:48And I've got someone collecting general evidence
13:51Love it
13:51Ha!
13:52Got them
13:53Got them!
13:56Where the hell have they got to?
14:00Yoo-hoo!
14:01Anyone home?
14:02Go away
14:04Oh, have you lost something?
14:07I have lost my mind
14:08Oh, well, I don't think you'll find it in your handbag
14:12No, you're probably right
14:14I will try the wardrobe
14:17What is my niece doing with Baines?
14:20I don't know, I'm sure
14:25What do you want?
14:27I'm a bit worried about Tom
14:29Yes, I suppose he is a rather bizarre outcome of five billion years evolution
14:33Heavens, that's where that got to
14:35But I don't suppose thee and me are much better
14:38Especially not thee
14:39Oh, I'm worried about his mind
14:41It, uh, seems to be going a bit
14:44Is it?
14:45You are optimistic
14:46Tom's mind started floating off into the autumn mists a long time ago
14:50Well, don't you think that's a worry?
14:53No, I think it's a great advantage
14:55The way they treat you at the wrinkled end of life
14:57It's a great gift if you can pop into your head and bike off to a better time
15:02I treat you well, don't I, Diana?
15:05You treat us like puppies, Jane
15:07I suppose there is some clotted goodness in you
15:10Just a pity it comes out like a syrup slick
15:14So, has Tom been doing anything specifically strange lately?
15:19Yes
15:19He has been having a passionate affair with a Californian teenager called Peggy Sue
15:24A little trollop coming on so sweet and innocent
15:28The poor man is exhausted
15:30It's, uh, not real, Diana
15:33It is to him
15:34Oh, you're not jealous, are you?
15:38Jane, will you leave the room
15:39Before I take the top off your head
15:41And spoon your brains out to the crows
15:45Ah, lock the little buggers
15:48Tom?
15:49Tom?
15:51Tom?
15:52Ah, get your leather gear on
15:54We are going for a burn
15:57We are all agreed, then
16:00Yes
16:02I suppose so
16:03Oh, my God, my car
16:09Come close
16:10Don't look the little beetles
16:11What about dark Tanzania?
16:12Just, just get covered
16:14What do you want?
16:17What do you want?
16:18Cool
16:37what have you done to it sorry auntie I had a burglar alarm fitted
16:45hello how lovely to see you all Diana and I were just popping over to the
16:50Monte Carlo rally another time Jeffrey what are you doing here oh that is that a
17:22good I'm not eating that why not well I can smell the cyanide from here or is it
17:30broken glass both I'm not falling for that one
17:46I see you're waiting for the pudding I'm not trying to kill you auntie and don't
17:53call me auntie dreadful twee little word auntie doily toilet makes me feel like a
18:00founder member of the Tunbridge Wells Twinset and Pearls Society call me Diana
18:04I'm not trying to kill you Diana why not didn't you bring your rosary beads to
18:10throttle me with it wasn't a rosary it was a necklace and I just happened to
18:15slip while I was putting it on you what about the poison chocolates they weren't
18:19poison they tasted foul you don't like anything sweet
18:23now what are you doing here then if you didn't come to kill me I come here every
18:28month you swear at me accuse me of trying to murder you you steal my car but still I
18:35can't why to see how you are I'm fine goodbye I haven't finished my lunch not
18:46leaving you anything you know yeah I've got anything to leave yes I have not by my
18:50standards what how do you think I dress so well how do you think I drive a
18:54Porsche and have a huge apartment on the river you're a high-class tart as you well
19:03know I have my own modeling agency one of the best in Europe I make a lot of
19:08money I don't need the tube Bob you've got tucked away in your piggy bank
19:12don't you be so rude sorry but I do get a little tired of trailing all the way down
19:18here and getting a right slagging for my troubles why'd you come because your
19:22family so so nothing it's how families behave I never did yes you did when I was a
19:30brat you were all over me like a rash presents after all your trips lots of
19:34hugs never forgot my birthday no you were lovely to me me yes I don't remember
19:42that maybe it was some other aunt I've only got one I come here because I like you
19:54has that become a concept totally beyond your comprehension what are you doing with Baines
20:08nothing much he's concerned for your health concerned that we're still alive your mental health
20:33it's very very interesting they were notes taken by my assistant here chairs
20:39Jane you see these two have delusions of damn near everything I mean he goes off on his astral
20:45travels or whatever and she thinks people are trying to kill her I mean it's obvious
20:50they've both long since gone over the edge yes well I think we'll leave the medical diagnoses to me
20:56shall we mr. Baines if I find they're not of sound mind then of course I will sign the appropriate
21:02papers
21:03and I of course would be very grateful
21:08do you mean mr. Baines oh nothing nothing at all of course not now goodness me no I mean I
21:14wasn't offering you a break
21:16I'll ask them to step in Jane
21:21uh Diana Tom could you come in please it's so good of you to agree to this Diana Dan now
21:28this is dr.
21:28Darrow the clinical psychologist I told you about and he's conducting a survey of the uh the elderly care
21:34establishments in the area and I thought well as our two most prominent residents you'll be the ones to
21:39ask her his little questions please to meet you what a quack dr. Livingston I presume or is it the
21:47flying doctor in which case good day sport want to cut my leg off take out my kidneys fill me
21:58up with
21:58old bicycle parts be my guest my body is your body now that's yours if you'd like to sit down
22:09oh yes
22:15is fine fine now miss Trent perhaps I could ask you a few questions first
22:27are you happy here mr. Oh deliriously I think that this is the most wonderful place in the world if
22:39not the
22:40universe and indeed the other side of the universe and indeed the other side of the other side of the
22:47mr. Ballard mr. Ballard are you happy here well here at Bayview this isn't Bayview oh where is it then
23:08Tom Tom this this is Everest I am Edmund Hillary and we've just conquered the peak in time for the
23:17coronation of our good young Queen Elizabeth the second attention Sherpa dancing God save the Queen the Queen
23:31God save our gracious Queen take no notice he's quite gaga isn't he just as I see now what is
23:42it that you find particularly
23:44pleasant here miss Trent well it is relatively free of assassins assassin yes you see in the outside world I
23:56find
23:56that a lot of a lot of people trying to kill me notably the closer members of my family I
24:01could hardly
24:01step outside my front door without mad nieces trying to machine gun me down
24:08they view with its barbed wire and its watchtowers and its fierce dogs I feel I feel safe secure and
24:18know
24:18that this is still a land of hope and glory
24:26land of hope and glory mother of the free
24:34oh stop stop oh I can't bear it I'm sorry Harvey but I can't bear Judas oh please stop behaving
24:43like this
24:44or your families will get power of attorney over your affairs and your money
24:49oh it's all right Jane we know all about it take it easy it's all right really really yes we
25:00are perfectly sane
25:02oh that's all right then you just pop down to the base camp and give you a whiff of oxygen
25:08and then you'll be fine
25:12well I was right wasn't I they are quite barking bananas they don't know what they're doing I think
25:18they know exactly what they're doing what anyone who can put on such a display of lunacy has to be
25:26totally in control of their faculties and therefore perfectly capable of handling their own affairs
25:33good day to you mr. Baines oh bye Tom really enjoyed the Everest fantasy what fantasy shut up
25:44and goodbye Diana oh and do give my regards to your charming niece you know her niece Sarah oh yeah
25:53she's an old friend bye
25:59yes well I'm glad we got that sorted out of course I knew there was nothing wrong with you
26:04hmm
26:13well goodbye Sarah is that all I get what's wrong with it's perfectly normal hand I've just stopped them
26:20declaring you daft and getting their hands on all your worldly goods makes a change from trying to
26:25murder me I suppose all right thank you it wasn't too painful was it I don't want you to keep
26:35coming here why not oh why do you think child I want to stay in your memory as I was
26:41when I was
26:42hanging out of helicopters living on my wits when I was full of fun giving out presents and laughter when
26:49I was alive I don't want you to remember me as I am now I'm ashamed of being old but
26:56that's so silly
26:57no it isn't you wait you'll see well goodbye Sarah
27:07goodbye Diana
27:21well I know why I'm miserable because you're you precisely not often we see you looking like a dead
27:29bloodhound what's up dark it's Peggy Sue she's left me she's pushed off with a smarmy young guitarist
27:44called Ricky told you she was a slut I think I'll go back to Betty Grable if she'll have me
27:52I'm sure she will Tom and I suppose you are still going hammer and tongs at it with the young
27:57guard
27:57that Antonio don't include me in your energetic fantasy lifetime I've got other plans afoot in the
28:04real world what I'm going back to work aerial photography I was also all the good at it huh
28:10hey
28:16there's nothing to worry about we just go up and down the coast taking shots of all the fancy houses
28:22and
28:22blow them up and plug them to the owners no one can resist an aerial shot of their own house
28:28what do you
28:28need me for you need me for you're my assistant I don't want to go up in a helicopter I
28:35won't even go up in a lift
28:36this is real life Diana Becky Grable would like it
28:41come down and get in
28:56I don't want to be here shut up and hold this what is it a parachute
29:13let go
29:13insert thisifi
29:14a
29:14the
29:14the
29:14the
29:14the
29:15the
29:17the
29:21the
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