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00:00Ooh, more details about the new Star Trek film.
00:03There's going to be a scene depicting Spock's birth.
00:07I'd be more interested in a scene depicting Spock's conception.
00:11Oh, please. For Vulcan's mating, or if you will, ponfar,
00:17it's an extremely private matter.
00:19Still, I'd like to know the details.
00:21His mother was human, his father was Vulcan, they couldn't just conceive.
00:24Maybe they had to go to a clinic.
00:25Can you imagine Spock's dad in a little room with a copy of pointy ears and shapely rears?
00:32How come on Star Trek, everybody's private parts are the same?
00:35No alien lady ever told Captain Cook,
00:37Hey, get your thing out of my nose.
00:42Hi, can you help me? I was writing an email and the A key got stuck.
00:46Now it's just going, ah!
00:49What'd you spill on it?
00:50Nothing.
00:52Diet Coke.
00:54And yogurt.
00:56A little nail polish.
00:58I'll take a look at it.
01:00Gentlemen, switching to local nerd news,
01:03Fishman, Chen, Chowdhury, and McNair aren't fielding a team in the University Physics Bowl this year.
01:08You're kidding, why not?
01:09They formed a barbershop quartet and got a gig playing Knott's Berry Farm.
01:15Wow, so in your world, you're like the cool guys.
01:21Recognize.
01:23Well, this is our year.
01:25With those guys out, the entire Physics Bowl will kneel before Zod.
01:29Zod?
01:30Kryptonian villain. Long story.
01:32Good story.
01:33Oh!
01:36Well, count me out.
01:37What? Why?
01:39You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition?
01:42Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary?
01:46Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle?
01:49Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?
01:53Come on. You need a four-person team. We're four people.
01:57By that reasoning, we should also play bridge, hold up a hoppa, and enter the Olympic bobsled competition.
02:03Oh, tickets to that, please.
02:06Sheldon, what? Do I need to quote Spock's dying words to you?
02:10No, don't.
02:12The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one.
02:18Damn it, I'll do it.
02:21Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state that nearly 14 billion years ago, expansion started way back.
02:28The earth began to cool, the autotrophes began to drew me and recalls, develop tools, we built a wall.
02:33We built a pyramid, snap, science, history, unraveling the mystery that all started with a big bang.
02:46Okay. First order of physics, bold business. We need a truly kick-ass team name. Suggestions?
02:52How about the Perpetual Motion Squad?
02:56It's beyond the laws of physics, plus a little heads up for the ladies.
03:01The ladies?
03:02Perpetual Motion Squad. We can go all night.
03:06I like it.
03:07I don't. Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating one's opponent.
03:13Then we could be the Bengal Tigers.
03:15Poor choice. Yet gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant.
03:21Maybe so. But you can't incinerate a Bengal Tiger with a magnifying glass.
03:29Let's put it to a vote. All those in favor...
03:31Point of order. I move that any vote on team names must be unanimous.
03:35No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with a Bengal Tiger when common sense dictates it should be
03:39an army ant.
03:41Will the gentleman from the great state of denial yield for a question?
03:45I will yield.
03:47After we go through the exercise of an annoying series of votes, all of which the gentleman will lose,
03:51does he then intend to threaten to quit if he does not get his way?
03:54He does.
03:55I move we are the army ants. All those in favor...
03:59Good afternoon and welcome to today's Physics Bowl practice round.
04:03I'm Penny and I'll be your host because apparently I didn't have anything else to do on a Saturday afternoon.
04:08And isn't that just a little sad?
04:12Gentlemen, are you ready?
04:14Yes.
04:14Of course. Fire away.
04:15You know, it's none of my business, but isn't a guy who can't speak in front of women going to
04:19hold you back a little?
04:20Oh, he'll be okay once the women are mixed into the crowd.
04:23He only has a problem when they're one-on-one and smell nice.
04:26Aw, thanks, Raj. It's vanilla oil.
04:29I was actually the one who noticed.
04:31Okay, let's just start.
04:33Okay, the first question is on the topic of optics.
04:36What is the shortest light pulse ever produced?
04:39Dr. Cooper.
04:40And of course, the answer is 130 attoseconds.
04:42That is correct.
04:43I knew that, too.
04:45Good for you, sweetie.
04:47Okay, next question.
04:48What is the quantum mechanical effect used to encode data on hard disk drives?
04:53Howard.
04:54And of course, the answer is giant magneto resistance.
04:57Right.
04:57Hey, I buzzed in.
04:59And I answered. It's called teamwork.
05:03Don't you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer.
05:07By that logic, I should answer all the anthropology questions because I'm a mammal.
05:14Just ask another one.
05:16Okay.
05:17What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einstein's predicted frame dragging?
05:22And of course, it's gravity probe B.
05:25Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.
05:28Why?
05:28Because it's polite.
05:30What do manners have to do with it?
05:32This is war.
05:35Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would
05:38ever grow again?
05:40Leonard, you said I only had to ask questions.
05:45The objective of the competition is to give correct answers.
05:48If I know them, why shouldn't I give them?
05:50Some of us might have the correct answers, too.
05:53Oh, please.
05:53You don't even have a Ph.D.
05:55All right.
05:55That's it.
05:56Howard, sit down.
05:57Okay.
05:59Maybe we should take a little break.
06:01Good idea.
06:02I need my wrist brace.
06:03All this button pushing is aggravating my old Nintendo injury.
06:07I agree.
06:08What did he say?
06:10He compared Sheldon to a disposable feminine cleansing product one might use on a summer's
06:16eve.
06:19Yeah, and the bag it came in.
06:26Leonard, excellent.
06:27I want to show you something.
06:29Can it wait?
06:29I need to talk to you.
06:30Just look.
06:31I've designed the perfect uniforms for our team.
06:34The colors are based on Star Trek, the original series.
06:36The three of you will wear support red, and I will wear command gold.
06:41Why do they say AA?
06:44Army ants.
06:46Isn't that confusing?
06:47AA might mean something else to certain people.
06:51Why would a physics bowl team be called anodized aluminum?
06:55No, I meant...
06:57Never mind.
06:59Check it out.
07:00I got you a Batman cookie jar.
07:04Oh, neat.
07:06What's the occasion?
07:08Well, you're a friend, and you like Batman and cookies, and you're off the team.
07:16What?
07:18Howard, Raj, and I just had a team meeting.
07:20No, you didn't.
07:21Yes, we did.
07:21I just came from there.
07:23Okay.
07:23I don't know where you just came from, but it couldn't have been a team meeting because I'm on the
07:27team, and I wasn't there.
07:28Ergo, the team did not meet.
07:30Okay, let me try it this way.
07:33I was at a coffee clatch with a couple of friends, and one thing led to another, and it turns
07:38out you're off the team.
07:41Why?
07:42Because you're taking all the fun out of it.
07:44Well, I'm sorry.
07:45Is the winner of the physics bowl the team that has the most fun?
07:48Okay, let me try it this way.
07:50You're annoying, and no one wants to play with you anymore.
07:55I see.
07:58Well, at this point, I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular
08:05bonds that bind your very matter together
08:07and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.
08:13Thanks for the heads up.
08:15You're welcome.
08:18One more thing.
08:19Yes?
08:20It's on, bitch.
08:30So who do you get to be on his team?
08:32He won't say.
08:33He just smiles and eats macaroons out of his bat jar.
08:38He's using psychological warfare.
08:40We must reply in kind.
08:42I say we wait until he looks at us, then laugh, like,
08:45Yes, you are a smart and strong competitor, but we are also smart and strong, and we have a reasonable
08:50chance of defeating you.
08:54How exactly would that laugh go?
09:01That sounds more like we are a tall, thin woman who wants to make a coat out of your Dalmatians.
09:09Guys, let's remember that Sheldon is still our friend and my roommate.
09:13So?
09:14So nothing.
09:15Let's destroy him.
09:18Gentlemen?
09:19He he he he he he!
09:26Okay, we're gonna need a strong fourth for our team.
09:30You know who's apparently very smart is the girl who played TV's Blossom.
09:35She got a PhD in neuroscience or something.
09:37Raj, we're not getting TV's Blossom to join our physics bowl team.
09:43How about the girl from the Wonder Years?
09:47Gentlemen, I believe I've found the solution to all our problems.
09:53We can't ask Leslie Winkle.
09:55Why? Because you slept together and when she was done with you she discarded you like last night's chutney?
10:04Yes.
10:07Sometimes you gotta take one for the team.
10:09Yeah, sack up dude.
10:12Fine.
10:15Here I go taking one for the team.
10:17In the sack.
10:22Hey Leslie.
10:23Hi guys.
10:24So Leslie, I have a question for you and it might be a little awkward, you know, given that I
10:30hit that thing.
10:36Leonard, there's no reason to feel uncomfortable just because we've seen each other's faces and naked bodies contorted in the
10:41sweet agony of coitus.
10:45There's not?
10:46Gee, cause it sure sounds like there should be.
10:49Rest assured that any aspects of our sexual relationship regarding your preferences, your idiosyncrasies, your performance are still protected by
10:57the inherent confidentiality of the bedroom.
10:59That's all very comforting, but if it's okay, I'd like to get on my question now.
11:03Proceed.
11:04We are entering the physics bowl and we need a fourth for our team.
11:08No thanks.
11:09I'm really busy with my like sign to lepton supersymmetry search.
11:12Die lepton schmy lepton, we need you.
11:15Sorry.
11:17Well, we tried.
11:19Just have to face Sheldon mano-y-mano-y-mano-a-mano.
11:23Wait, you're going up against Sheldon Cooper?
11:26Yes.
11:27That arrogant, misogynistic East Texas doorknob that told me I should abandon my work with high energy particles for laundry
11:34and childbearing?
11:38She's in.
11:42So, how do you feel?
11:44Nice and loose?
11:45Come to play?
11:46Got your game face on?
11:48Are you ready?
11:51Yeah.
11:52You know, you don't have to stay for the whole thing.
11:54Oh, no, no.
11:54I want to.
11:55Sounds really interesting.
11:57Okay.
12:03Gentlemen.
12:04Sheldon.
12:05Sheldon.
12:05He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he.
12:10Sheldon.
12:13I'm just going to sit down.
12:18So, is that your team?
12:20Actually, I don't need a team.
12:22I could easily defeat you single-handedly, but the rules require four.
12:26So, may I introduce the third floor janitor, the lady from the lunchroom, and my Spanish is not good, either
12:32her son or her butcher.
12:35And what about your team?
12:36What rat have you recruited to the SS sinking ship?
12:40Hello, Sheldon.
12:44Leslie Winkle.
12:46Yeah.
12:46Leslie Winkle.
12:47The answer to the question, who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?
12:52Yes?
12:53Well, I'm polymerized tree sap, and you're an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is
12:59reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory, and adheres to you.
13:04Oh, ouch.
13:07Okay, if everyone could please take your seats.
13:17Here's your t-shirt.
13:23EMS.
13:24It's a couple days early.
13:26No.
13:28It stands for Perpetual Motion Squad.
13:31Oh, right, of course.
13:32What was I thinking?
13:35Good afternoon, everyone, and welcome to this year's Physics Bowl.
13:41Today's preliminary match features two great teams, AA versus PMS.
13:50All night long, y'all.
13:56Okay, well, let's jump right in.
13:58First question.
13:59For 10 points, what is the isospin singlet partner of the Pi Zero Maison?
14:07PMS.
14:08The Eta Maison.
14:09Correct.
14:12Total protest.
14:13On what grounds?
14:14Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.
14:17Denied.
14:18All right.
14:19For 10 points, what is the lightest element on Earth with no stable isotope?
14:25AA.
14:26And, of course, the answer is technetium.
14:28Terrific.
14:29Next question.
14:31What is the force between two uncharged plates due to quantum vacuum fluctuation?
14:37PMS.
14:37Sheldon Kinsakon?
14:39The Casimir Effect.
14:40Correct.
14:46How does a quantum computer factor large numbers?
14:50PMS.
14:51Shor's algorithm.
14:52Correct.
14:574.1855 times 10 to the seventh ergs per calorie.
15:01Prevost theory of exchanges.
15:03Lambda equals one over pi r squared n.
15:06760 degrees Celsius.
15:07The approximate temperature of the young lady in the front row.
15:11Mr. Wolowitz, this is your second warning.
15:15A sigma particle.
15:17Yes, assuming the hypothetical planet has a mass greater than the Earth.
15:20Correct.
15:26Ladies and gentlemen, I hold in my hand the final question.
15:31The score now stands.
15:33AA, 1150.
15:35PMS, 1175.
15:37So, for 100 points and the match, please turn your attention to the formula on the screens.
15:46Solve the equation.
15:49Holy crap.
15:53What the hell is that?
15:54It looks like something they found on the ship at Roswell.
15:58Oh, I think.
16:00Leslie?
16:00Leonard, it's not going to work if you rush me.
16:02You have to let me get there.
16:03You are never going to let that go, are you?
16:06Ten seconds.
16:11PMS.
16:14Sorry I panicked.
16:16Then guess.
16:18Um.
16:21Eight.
16:26Point.
16:27Four.
16:29I'm sorry, that's incorrect.
16:32AA,
16:33if you can answer correctly, the match is yours.
16:38He doesn't have it.
16:40He's got squat.
16:51AA, I need your answer.
16:54The answer is minus eight pi alpha.
16:58Hang on, hang on a second.
16:59That's not our answer.
17:00What are you doing?
17:01Answering question.
17:02Winning physics bowl.
17:05How do you know anything about physics?
17:08Here I am janitor in former Soviet Union.
17:11I am physicist.
17:13Leningrad Polytechnica.
17:15Go polar bears.
17:19Well, that's a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything.
17:24I answer the questions.
17:25You didn't answer a question.
17:27Hey, look.
17:28Now, maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this physics bowl team, I rule with an
17:32iron fist.
17:33Ow.
17:35AA, I need your official answer.
17:37Well, it's not what he said.
17:39Then what is it?
17:39I want a different question.
17:40You can't have a different question.
17:42Formal protest.
17:42Denied.
17:43Informal protest.
17:46Denied.
17:47I need your official answer.
17:48No, I declined to provide one.
17:50Well, that's too bad because the answer your teammate gave was correct.
17:55That's your opinion?
18:00Alright, the winner of the match is...
18:02Hang on.
18:03Sheldon, is proving that you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else so important that you would rather lose by
18:09yourself than win as part of a team?
18:12I don't understand the question.
18:16Go ahead.
18:17The winner is PMS.
18:18Yes!
18:19Oh, we are the champions, my friend.
18:26And we'll keep on fighting till the end.
18:34We are the champions.
18:38We are the champions.
18:41Oh, it's not a time.
18:44Oh, it's not a time.
18:45Oh, it's not a time.
18:46Because we are the champions.
18:50Oh, it's not a time.
18:52Oh, it's not a time.
19:04that trophy is meaningless i forfeited therefore you did not win i know someone who would disagree
19:09who my physics ball trophy leonard is so smart sheldon who are they he's very immature you're
19:19right i'm sorry i'm not okay new contest what are you doing i am settling once and for all
19:28who is the smartest around here okay are you ready absolutely bring it on okay
19:35marcia jan and cindy were the three daughters in what tv family
19:43the brady bunch okay sammy hagar replaced david lee roth as the lead singer in what group
19:56the brady bunch
20:00van halen all right madonna was married to this ridgmont high alum
20:07oh my god sean penn how do you know these things i go outside and i talk to people
20:17okay here what actor holds the record for being named people magazine's sexiest man alive
20:23william shatner
20:24i don't think it's shatner then it's got to be patrick stewart
20:34no formal protest
20:39all right singer who sang oops i did it again
20:47okay
20:49tweety bird taught he taught a what
20:56romulan
21:01yes he taught he taught a romulan
21:06Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
21:35Ah, ah, ah, ah.
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