- 14 minutes ago
"Peter tries to book a last-minute holiday after asking for time off in June, a bus conductor advises him against an unfinished hotel in Majorca, and Sheila insists on packing enough shoes to give her the pleasure of choice." IMDB Starring David Jason, Jacqueline Clarke, Richard Wilson, Alun Armstrong
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TVTranscript
00:23I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:41¶¶
01:04Now, remember, Peter, you're not asking for a favour.
01:08You're entitled to it, as of right.
01:11As of right, darling.
01:13You must walk in, look him straight in the eye and say,
01:16Mr. Fish, I'm arranging my holidays for the first two weeks in June.
01:21In June, darling.
01:25And don't let him fob you off.
01:27Be firm.
01:29Let him see that you're not a man to be trifled with.
01:31Be trifled with, darling.
01:34He must be joking.
01:42Enter.
01:44Mr. Fish, I wonder if I can arrange my holiday.
01:46Oh, Barndale, boy, the very man.
01:49Would you sit behind my desk for a minute?
01:52Yes, certainly.
01:55Yes.
01:56Could you sit up to my height and try and look important?
02:01Yes, I need some more light with my left profile.
02:06Yes.
02:06Ever sort of apply for a managerial postbarns?
02:10Well, funnily enough.
02:11Don't waste your time, sorry.
02:13May seem a strange thing to say,
02:15but you haven't got the bottom for a top job.
02:18Bottom?
02:18Yes, the executive chair's come in three sizes.
02:21Yours isn't one of them.
02:22I see.
02:24Yes.
02:25You see, Barnes, posturing behind a desk is what top management is all about.
02:30Would you lean forward and put your elbows on the desk?
02:33Yes, certainly.
02:34Oh, dear.
02:36Oh, dear.
02:40Now, can you see the whites of my eyes?
02:43Yes, sir.
02:44One of them's a bit bloodshot.
02:45Yeah.
02:47Symptoms of strain, old boy.
02:48I don't think you white-collar chaps realise the absolute hell of being a boss.
02:53What if I should wear dark glasses?
02:54Have you tried aspirins?
02:56Yeah, put these on.
03:00No, no, it's too much.
03:02Take them off.
03:03Well, perhaps I should grow a moustache.
03:05Ah, moustache.
03:09No, no, it isn't me.
03:11Let's change seats.
03:12Yes.
03:13No, no, leave it there.
03:15Oh, sorry.
03:17Seat seats, sir.
03:25Mr. Fish, what is this all about?
03:27Are you having your photograph taken for the staff magazine?
03:29Yeah, I was trying to see myself as others see me,
03:32and I wasn't pleased with what I was getting.
03:35These are over the top, aren't they?
03:36Yeah, could I make a suggestion?
03:38Oh, please, I'd welcome it.
03:39Well, why don't you try holding them in one hand
03:41and sucking the end of one of the side pieces?
03:43You mean like this?
03:44Yeah.
03:44Oh, yes, very good, I like that.
03:46Yes, very good, that's it.
03:47Does it compare an image of intellectual awareness?
03:49No, in fact, it's very you.
03:51Yes.
03:52I'll tell you.
03:53It's a bit of that sort of couldn't care less, I suppose.
03:55I must say, it does seem to come quite naturally.
03:59Yes.
03:59I mean, I might cultivate that one, Barnes.
04:01Thanks very much, you've been very helpful.
04:03Not at all.
04:04Try not to move the chair when you get up.
04:05No, quite.
04:06Ah, no.
04:07Ah, no.
04:08Incidentally, Barnes,
04:09if there's ever anything I can do for you at any time.
04:12Ah, well, thank you, yes.
04:13I mean, that's why we're here.
04:15My door's always open.
04:16Yes, exactly.
04:17Close it as you go out.
04:18As I go out.
04:18Very well, thank you very much.
04:22Yes?
04:23Could I have a word with you, sir?
04:24I'm very busy at the moment.
04:26Is it important?
04:27Well, yes, it is, rather.
04:29Ah, all right.
04:30Come in and sit down.
04:32Try not to move the chair.
04:39Sorry.
04:40Now, what's on your mind, Barnes?
04:42Well, sir, I wondered if I could talk to you about my holidays.
04:46Of course.
04:48Lighted.
04:49Where did you get to?
04:52When?
04:53When you went.
04:54Oh, well, from here?
04:55Yes.
04:56Two steps down the corridor.
04:59I mean, where did you spend your holidays?
05:02Ah.
05:03Which holidays?
05:04The ones you wanted to talk to me about.
05:07I haven't been on my holidays yet.
05:09You didn't go?
05:11No, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
05:13But how can you talk to me about a holiday you haven't had?
05:16You won't be able to show me your snaps or anything.
05:18Yes, Mr. Fitch, could we start all over again?
05:21Don't you think we ought to?
05:22Yes, I think we ought to.
05:23You see, my wife is, well, she's getting very nasty.
05:25She wants to go to Majorca.
05:28Ah.
05:29Well, if that's her attitude, I would let her.
05:33I mean, I know it's none of my business, Barnes,
05:37but after all, no man has a night.
05:39Sorry, sorry.
05:40Could we start again, Mr. Fitch?
05:42By all means, but could we get to the point?
05:44It's nearly time for my lunch.
05:45Yes, sir, yes.
05:46I'm entitled to two weeks' holiday, and I want you to ink me in.
05:49On your chart, please.
05:51Is that what you want?
05:52Oh, my dear chap, why didn't you say so?
05:55I mean, it's simply a question of drawing a red line
05:58through 14 days of your choice.
06:01Now then, when do you want to go?
06:04First two weeks in June.
06:10Impossible.
06:11Ah, is it?
06:12Out of the question.
06:14Everyone's plump for June.
06:15I see.
06:15I see.
06:16Well, how's July?
06:18Worse.
06:19July is almost as bad as August,
06:22equaled only by September.
06:24October?
06:25Not a hope.
06:26Now, it's a pity you didn't come and see me yesterday.
06:28I could have let you for the last two weeks in November.
06:32Yes, what a shame.
06:33We could have gone snorkelling in the Baltic.
06:35How is May?
06:37May?
06:38Yes.
06:46May?
07:06Oh, that's very good, Barnes.
07:08Try it the other way round.
07:09What do you mean, now?
07:11No, no, no.
07:12About my holiday, sir.
07:14I mean, I mean, you know, couldn't you tell me when it's convenient for me to go?
07:16Ah, well, um, you can't go February, March or April.
07:20Those are busiest months.
07:22Surely you can fit me in somewhere, sir.
07:23Um.
07:25What?
07:29How soon can you be packed?
07:30Well, like, eh?
07:32You didn't expect me to go right away.
07:33Not on my summer holidays.
07:34Why not?
07:35Well, it's the middle of January.
07:37My dear Barnes, it's the best time to go.
07:40It's fashionable to go out of season.
07:41You'll miss all the riffraff.
07:43Go anywhere you want in the Costa del Sol and you'll meet all the best people.
07:47Yes, I know.
07:47That's what worries me.
07:48I'll be the only riffraff there.
07:51Anyway, I don't like quiet holidays, sir.
07:53You end up talking to the wife.
07:55Well, I'm afraid it's Hobson's choice,
07:58unless you'd like to take it in long weekends over next Christmas.
08:02Well, surely so.
08:03You don't expect me to go right away.
08:06No, no, no, no, no.
08:07Finish what you're doing first.
08:09No, what I meant is, sir, you must give me time to book a holiday.
08:13I mean, I can't go camping again.
08:15I've lost all the tent pegs.
08:16You see, that's a great advantage of taking a holiday at this time.
08:19You'll have absolutely no difficulty in making your travel arrangements.
08:23Oh, really?
08:29And that's with balcony and bath.
08:32Right, will you hold that for me and I'll come back to you.
08:36Right, response.
08:40Well, we've managed to get you in at the Gorda Vista Hotel.
08:43Two weeks, full board, double room with balcony facing the sea.
08:47Now, we can definitely book you on the return flight from Palmer on the Saturday morning.
08:52The only thing we haven't managed to do is to get you out there.
08:57It's not a lot of good, then, really, is it?
08:59Aren't you on the waiting list?
09:00Yes, I know.
09:01As far as I can understand it, all you can guarantee us at the moment is 14 nights at Gatwick
09:06Airport.
09:08And on balance, I think I'd rather stay at home.
09:10Thank you very much.
09:11I do wish you'd be a little more constructive, Peter.
09:13You can't expect miracles at this short notice.
09:15Yes, I know, darling, but I don't see much point in booking a holiday you can get back from, but
09:19you can't get out, too.
09:20Hardly seems any point in packing the suntan lotion, does it?
09:24Would it help if we chose a different hotel?
09:26Oh, not really, Mrs Barnes.
09:28You see, there's no shortage of accommodation out there.
09:30It's just that all the outgoing flights are fully booked.
09:33Well, surely there must be some way we can get there.
09:36What do you suggest, hang gliding?
09:39Peter, you're starting to annoy me.
09:41Look, I'm sorry, darling, but it does stand...
09:49Sorry, darling, it stands to reason, if we can't get a flight out to Mallorca or wherever...
09:54How?
09:56If we can't get a flight out to Mallorca, we might as well think of somewhere else, haven't we?
09:59Well, Italy's very nice at this time of year.
10:01Have you ever considered Sorrento?
10:03Considered it? No, but I've often sung it.
10:06I'll get you the brochure.
10:10I'm not too sure about Italy.
10:12It worries me what the spaghetti will do to my figure.
10:15Didn't do Gina Loller bridged her any harm, did it?
10:18She had it every day of her life.
10:20Always have to bring sex into everything, don't you?
10:25How do you connect sex with spaghetti?
10:28There's a way, you'll find it.
10:30You're in a funny mood to do yours.
10:31Oh, can you wonder?
10:33Hmm?
10:33There you are.
10:34Perhaps you'd like to sit down and have a little browse.
10:37Brows?
10:37What do you think I'm awful?
10:40It's ridiculous, Peter, trying to arrange a holiday at the last minute like this.
10:44I'd almost rather not bother.
10:46Hmm.
10:47Well, make up your mind.
10:48I don't mind.
10:48We can scrub round it.
10:49I don't mind staying at home and re-spraying the cat.
10:53Certainly not.
10:54I need a holiday if you don't.
10:55Find Sorrento.
10:57Sorrento.
10:57Oh, there it is.
10:58You see, look, there you are.
10:59Sorrento, an idyllic holiday resort in the shadow of Mount Vesuvius.
11:04There you are, I see.
11:05Look, hotel rooms, all rooms, have hot and cold running lava.
11:10How's that, Greg?
11:11I don't want volcanoes.
11:13I want sandy beaches and exotic fruit trees and guaranteed sunshine.
11:17I see.
11:17Well, I don't think Cleethorpes is in here.
11:20Listen, you keep trying to find some way to get to Palmer while I go across the road to that
11:23other travel agent.
11:24Yes, well, all right.
11:25Well, hurry up, darling.
11:25I'm on my lunch hour, aren't I?
11:34Game and a half, this, isn't it?
11:39Sorry.
11:39Eh?
11:40Oh.
11:41Yes, it is when you're trying to get a late booking for Mallorca.
11:45Mallorca?
11:46Yeah.
11:48You're taking a chance going there, though, aren't you?
11:50No, don't see why not.
11:51I mean, everybody seems to go to Mallorca.
11:53Which hotel have they conned you into?
11:55It's the Yagoda Vista.
11:57Oh, good.
11:57Terrible.
11:59Is it?
11:59Well, they're still building it.
12:01Hey, don't let them put you on the 10th floor.
12:04Why not?
12:05They're only up to the 9th.
12:09Why do you think it's stupid as that, would they?
12:11Oh, I wouldn't take a bet on it.
12:13A mate of mine just come back from staying there.
12:16They give him a twin-bedded room with balcony overlooking the cement mixer.
12:20And he found himself sharing a bathroom with two plumbers.
12:23Oh, he should have complained to the manager.
12:25One was the manager.
12:27In the end, he was pleading with them to take longer tea breaks
12:30so his wife could have a bath.
12:32All I know is that the hotel has got four stars.
12:35Four stars?
12:36I wouldn't give it half a twinkle.
12:38It does come highly recommended.
12:40The food is excellent.
12:41Look, they've even got an English chef.
12:43So I believe.
12:44Lad from Barnsley.
12:46Used to dish it up in a transport cafe.
12:49Mind you, I believe his paella's out of this world.
12:53Even he doesn't know what's in it.
12:56Well, I don't know, maybe you ought to go back to thinking about Sorrento.
12:59Well, I would.
13:00Mrs Bond?
13:01Yes.
13:02Could have fooled me.
13:06We've just had a telix from the tour operators
13:09and they've had a cancellation
13:10so we can get you out there for your 14-day package to Mallorca.
13:13Ah, well, yes.
13:15I've been having a bit of a think, you know, and I'm a bit undecided.
13:18You know, would it worry you if, you know, if I didn't go?
13:21No, not at all.
13:22We've had another inquiry for the same accommodation.
13:24Oh, good.
13:25And Mr Jackson?
13:26Yes?
13:26Do you still want the 14-days booking at the Gorda Vista?
13:29Oh, you bet.
13:30I'm here.
13:45APPLAUSE
13:59Peter?
14:00Yes, just bringing this last case to...
14:02Ah! Ah!
14:09Why are you lying there like 12 o'clock, half-struck?
14:13The taxi won't be here any minute.
14:15Next year, Pickford.
14:16What do you mean?
14:17We're taking away with this more than we're leaving behind.
14:20Darling, we're only going on holiday.
14:21We're not emigrating, you know.
14:23Listen, don't try to make out this is all mine,
14:26apart from two or three trousers,
14:28use my cream costume and a few skirts and blouses,
14:30and only taking half a dozen summer frocks and a few long dresses.
14:33And five woolly cardigans and half a ton of make-up.
14:36And you've got enough underwear in there to see you through two hijacks.
14:40I'm not taking any more than I did last year.
14:42It's a jolly well opener.
14:43I finished up at Toro Molina's with a half-share and a coat hanger.
14:46Might have pinched that from the bloke next door.
14:48Well, where are you intending to pack these shoes?
14:52Oh, Sheila, you're not going to take those shoes with us as well, are you?
14:55Of course I'm taking them.
14:57Do you expect me to go down to dinner bare-footed?
14:59No.
14:59Now, hurry up and get them in while I finish defrosting the fridge.
15:02Well, where am I supposed... Oh, thank you.
15:03Where am I supposed to put them?
15:06Look, Sheila, there is no more...
15:09Look, what have you got in...
15:11What have you got in here?
15:13Hey, what is...
15:14Oh, what's that?
15:16Oh, I see.
15:16Hair dry.
15:17Fine.
15:18Oh, that's very handy, isn't it?
15:20Yeah, we'll need one of them.
15:22And we need two of them, won't we?
15:23Yeah.
15:26Have you had some of this?
15:28It's called going away on holiday.
15:30And as every husband knows, at least 35% of what is in this baggage is going to travel
15:35hundreds of miles there and back again purely for the ride.
15:39It's the same as these shoes.
15:40It's not that she needs them.
15:41It is to have the pleasure of deciding which pair not to put on.
15:46But it's us husbands, isn't it?
15:47It has to drag it all to the airport.
15:50Oh, yeah.
15:51And that's another chapter in itself, that.
15:53That starts off with the late arrival of the taxi.
15:57Now, then.
15:58We'll get all this packed.
15:59Oh, there.
16:00That must be enough.
16:01Right.
16:02There we go.
16:03Oh, come in.
16:04There you are.
16:04Oh, is your father in, sonny?
16:08Very funny.
16:09Very funny.
16:10Did someone order a taxi?
16:11Yes, that's right.
16:12Come on here.
16:12Look, we've got all packed away here nicely.
16:14Do you know, it's taken me 25 minutes to find you.
16:17Really?
16:17I didn't know we were lost.
16:20This is Pickmere Avenue.
16:21Yes, that's right.
16:22Always has been.
16:22Pickmere Avenue.
16:23They sent me to Pickmere Grove.
16:25I wonder why you were so long.
16:26Pickmere's on the other side of town, isn't it?
16:27It is.
16:28What's more, there's one pound's 40 on my metre to prove it.
16:32All right.
16:32We'll argue about that later.
16:33You know, if you just get all this luggage into your boot...
16:35What time is your train?
16:36Eh, train?
16:37No, no, we're not going to the station.
16:38We're going to the airport.
16:39To the where?
16:40The airport.
16:43Not in my taxi.
16:45Could you, er, sorry, could you enlarge on that?
16:48I've got another pick-up in 15 minutes.
16:50I don't know if I've got enough time to get you to the station.
16:53Well, I don't want to go to the station.
16:54I don't know where else I can take you,
16:55unless you fancy a run round the block.
16:57Now, listen.
16:58Let us get this straight.
17:00I telephoned your office last night
17:02and made a firm booking for the airport.
17:04I mean, he even told the girl what time we checked in.
17:06Who did you talk to?
17:08Alice, was it?
17:09Alice?
17:09I don't know her name.
17:10I didn't get that intimate with her, did I?
17:11Can I ring my office, Mr. Barnes?
17:15See if they've got any bright ideas.
17:17Yes, yes, please do.
17:18This is a business call, is it?
17:23I'm going to make a complaint about this
17:25when I get back from holiday.
17:26You haven't gone yet.
17:27Eh?
17:27Now, listen, if I don't go on holiday,
17:30I shall turn very nasty.
17:31Frank, there's Charlie, yeah, yeah, he's Alice there.
17:34No, no, just another nesher, that's all.
17:36Yeah, put her on, will you?
17:37What's happening?
17:38It's all right, he's just telephoning his office.
17:40Why for?
17:41Well, because he'd been told to take us to the station,
17:43that's all.
17:43Oh, Peter, can't I rely on you to arrange anything?
17:45Oh, Alice, is that you?
17:46I told him.
17:47Yes, you've done it again, haven't you?
17:50Not only sent me to the wrong address,
17:52you've given me a wrong destination.
17:53Oh, Peter, do something.
17:55We're going to miss the plane.
17:56Have faith, Sheila, have faith.
17:58Not in you, I won't never again.
18:00Now, look, Alice, don't be darned.
18:02How can I get to the airport by quarter to nine?
18:04I've got wheels, not wings.
18:07Look, I'm breaking speed limits for nobody.
18:10Besides, I doubt if I've got enough petrol to get back.
18:12I've got a can of petrol you can borrow.
18:14No, no, no, it's all right.
18:15I'm only trying to put the wind up, eh?
18:16You're putting the wind up me, all right?
18:17Yeah, well, try and get it right in future, Alice.
18:20Yeah, you want to spend less time in front of that mirror
18:23plucking your eyebrows.
18:25Yeah, and you.
18:27All right, let's get these cases packed.
18:33Alice, see, what have you got in there?
18:34The kitchen sink?
18:35No, no, no, no.
18:36She couldn't unscrew it from the wall.
18:39You have to be careful with that one, won't we?
18:41We might do ourselves an injury.
18:42Yes, we might.
18:45Quick, if you could...
18:50Sheila, Sheila, darling, come on.
18:53Come on, darling, we're ready to go now.
18:55Now, when we get to the airport,
18:57that's a different kettle of fish entirely.
19:03Attention, please.
19:05Cannot Air Tours regret to announce a further delay
19:08in the delayed flight to Pond.
19:11A further delay will be announced in half an hour.
19:17Oh, well, won't be long now.
19:20Oh, don't you think so?
19:21No, she'll be coming off at loudspeaker any minute now.
19:24Flight cancel.
19:25Come back tomorrow.
19:29Are you travelling on your own?
19:31No, no, I am with my husband.
19:33He's just gone to get some refreshments.
19:35You don't need refreshments on this job.
19:37You need iron rations.
19:40I was just saying to my missus,
19:41if the tech has long getting us back
19:43as they are getting us out,
19:44we'll all need new passports.
19:45Shh!
19:45Shh!
19:49Shh!
19:51Shh!
19:53Shh!
19:54Shh!
20:29Oh!
21:03Yes, we've just managed to get in at the Gorda Vista.
21:06Oh, we're there.
21:07Well, we'll be saying a bit of you, won't we?
21:09Yes, I expect we shall.
21:21No, no, no.
21:22No, no, no.
21:23No, no, no.
21:54No, no, no.
21:55No, no, no.
21:57No, no, no, no.
21:57No, no, no.
21:58I've just lost some change, that's all.
22:00I've lost some looking for some change.
22:01I'll tell you what, while you're down there, get your bedroll out.
22:04Of course you're right, Fred Carr knows this lot, isn't it?
22:07Yeah.
22:07Talk about running an airline that couldn't run a Tuckney raffle.
22:10I thought you were going to get some coffee.
22:12Yes, yes, I was.
22:14Yes, yes.
22:14I've just skipped it.
22:15I won't be long.
22:29Well...
22:29I just remember, there was a long queue.
22:40Hey, I believe we're stopping at the same digs.
22:44That'll be nice.
22:46Well, we don't mind making up a foursome, do we, Doris?
22:52Do you play Scrabble?
22:54No.
22:54We'll teach you.
22:57What duty free have you got, then?
22:58Hmm?
22:59Oh, look!
23:00Gin!
23:01That's lucky.
23:01We've got tonic.
23:02We'll go halves.
23:05I'm glad I met you.
23:06Yes.
23:08Very nice of you.
23:09Actually, my wife and I'll be probably going out, you know, quite a lot,
23:11because she likes to sightseeing, don't you, darling?
23:12Oh, nice, nice.
23:13Well, we'll come with you.
23:15Because she's very culture-minded, she is.
23:18In fact, when we get there, I'll get her to do her flamenco singing.
23:23Come on, then, missus.
23:24Let's get you tanked up for the take-off.
23:30You'll keep an eye on her things while we're away, won't you?
23:33Oh, yes, yes, of course, yes.
23:36That's all we need, isn't it, eh?
23:38Two weeks whooping it up with those two.
23:40Well, she seems very quiet.
23:42Yeah, she'd have to be, wouldn't she?
23:44She's probably been stunned into silence living within.
23:46I wonder if we can still get to Cleethorpes.
23:48Oh, don't worry, darling.
23:50At least you've got a fortnight away from your work.
23:51You know it was beginning to get you down.
23:53Yeah, I know.
23:53Yeah, we'll make a nice change, not to see the same old faces.
23:56What, don't they?
23:57Oh, Barnshill, boy.
23:59Nice to see you.
24:01Mr Fitch, what are you doing here?
24:02I'm just sneaking away for a couple of weeks while the pressure's off.
24:05Going to Palma, stay at the Gordy Vista.
24:07Where are you going?
24:09We're going home.
24:10Come on.
24:11Come on, Mr Fitch.
24:13We're on our way.
24:14No.
24:15Oh!
24:18I don't understand.
24:19It's all excuse.
24:21Hold it, hold it.
24:22Get started.
24:24Oh!
24:3211å¾— by Mai!
24:37You tried to...
24:41tener sin.
24:42We picked up essa flames.
24:43When she came here, she came here.
24:45Hey!
24:45What happened?
24:49She tried to dream itself.
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