- 2 days ago
"Bank manager Belinda Braithwaite (Hannah Gordon) wants to retire, but her house husband David (Peter Egan), likes things the way they are, and doesn't want to go back to work. " IMDB Also starring John Bird, Lill Roughley, Ruth Mitchell, Richard Aylen.
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TVTranscript
00:00The
00:38you know they're gonna have to take on more people at the post office if you
00:41don't get a job soon. postman's exhausted carrying all these... turn downs? replies
00:46I was going to say. hey maybe... I don't want to be a postman. did you open the
00:52door with no blouse on? do you honestly think I would open the door with no
00:56blouse on? no sorry. I just wish I'd had time to get the rest of my clothes on. funny.
01:04thanks but no thanks. it is not funny. a poor old man fell off his bike just
01:08because you wouldn't answer the door to the postman. no such position as the one
01:12you describe. what? why are we having eggs again? if you don't eat eggs they go bad.
01:19doesn't seem to bother the Chinese. position already filled by a younger man.
01:24ouch. the Chinese eat 1,000 year old eggs. they obviously don't look at the
01:30sell-by date. don't call us we'll call you. you know I've had enough eggs to last me a
01:37lifetime. do you know how much eggs cost? hmm? how do you? hmm? I'm sorry I thought you
01:45were being rhetorical. eggs? no. you don't know how much anything costs do you? I don't need to do I?
01:53if I get a job and you leave work you'll have to do the shopping. Sainsbury's will be able to
01:57declare an interim dividend every three weeks. are you implying that I am a less
02:03than excellent shopper Mr Braithwaite? well you tend to let your eye get caught by
02:08irrelevances. name one. I can name a dozen. the dozen bottles of cold-pressed extra
02:14virgin olive oil in the cupboard over there. I got those as an investment. you got
02:19those after reading the cookery column the observer supplement honey bun. you were in
02:23bed sick. I was a lot sicker when I found out much housekeeping I had left. I bet you
02:29ten pounds I can out shop you any day of the week. I don't believe it. I've got an
02:34application form. and don't change the supp- what? I've got an application form. thank you for this. oh that's
02:42oh that's wonderful. I can't believe it. I'm gonna frame it. do you know how many jobs I've applied for?
02:48for 148. do you know how many turn downs I've had? I can't believe it. David. are you still here
02:55Belinda? no. no I've gone to work. this is a hologram you're looking at. David's got an application for. oh
03:01David. great.
03:06thanks Lou. oh I'm pleased for him that's all. pleased. well I have to say Louise that's what it looks
03:14like. what's the job? I can't remember.
03:20for the first application form I get to fill in I can't remember which job I applied for. oh you
03:24cut all the adverts out of the paper didn't you? yes. well you'll just. I'm gonna be late. you and
03:29Lou will have to sort it out between you. find out which one it was. right.
03:34two piles. it's just a question of checking for the right reference number.
03:43we can't bounce this. it's got his guarantee number on the back. he's well overdrawn alright.
03:49the cheque is to his mother. he's written his own guarantee number on the back. thank you. we can get
03:55both of them.
03:57well done Ned. not the vicar. wrong account. how? well it's the root repair fund. the cheque's to the wine
04:05merchants.
04:08God moves in a mysterious way. I'll have a word with him. oh talk to the vicar first.
04:13don't put him in bad with his boss.
04:18I can't believe you applied for a job without knowing what it was.
04:22I mean do you dare to be great in the 80s?
04:25why not? I was sick of the 60s.
04:28hello dear boy.
04:29I. oh. er. sorry.
04:33I'll wait outside shall I?
04:34we weren't doing anything Charles.
04:37well more fool you.
04:40hello young lady.
04:42I. er. I've got to go.
04:44see you later.
04:46bye.
04:47lovely lovely.
04:49you're a lucky man David.
04:51a lucky man.
04:52she's my next door neighbour Charles.
04:54did I say otherwise?
04:58I've got a job interview Charles.
05:00what?
05:02it. it doesn't say what it is.
05:04well I know it doesn't say what it is.
05:06well then why did you apply for it?
05:09it might be a dustman.
05:10it might be a politician.
05:11it might be anything.
05:13are you sure you want to go back to work?
05:16you seem happy enough to me as you are.
05:18bungling about in here.
05:21well thanks a lot Charles.
05:22you make it seem all worthwhile.
05:24I thought you were a friend of mine.
05:25er. try not to be too nasty with the letters Ned will you?
05:29the letters are printed forms Belinda.
05:32I just don't want to see any little hangman drawn on the bottom of any of them all right.
05:38take that smile off your face.
05:40look around you.
05:42you're at work.
05:43David got an application form today.
05:45to be what?
05:46to be someone who goes out every morning comes home every night.
05:49an employee.
05:51a man again.
05:52hmm.
05:53no not that.
05:54he can manage that all right.
05:55no problem.
05:56lucky you.
05:57i'd just like him to go out to work as well.
05:58that's all.
06:01graduate sales engineer.
06:04experience of running own company.
06:06mature.
06:07well-developed personality.
06:09good communication skills.
06:12who is this you?
06:15i had to unlearn all that and bury myself in domesticity.
06:19the company folded.
06:20the children couldn't be left.
06:21Belinda had a career.
06:23i kept myself sane.
06:24building toys.
06:25very good.
06:26keeps the world at bay.
06:28booze is a great help too.
06:31have you got any handy old chap?
06:34i did the banking exams.
06:37david used to go out in the shed and build models of what his life ought to have been.
06:41you know he's built so many models he can't tell real from imaginary anymore.
06:44who can?
06:46what?
06:48the rose isn't real till i smell it.
06:51there are no stars if i have my eyes shut.
06:55are you still dating that philosophy teacher?
06:57it doesn't make me a bad person.
07:00the vicar is on his way down.
07:02he is no longer happy with the way this bank is running his account.
07:07i told you that i would speak to him.
07:09well you'd be able to.
07:10he's coming down here now.
07:11plus bell, book and candle i shouldn't wonder.
07:13anyway i didn't call him. he called me.
07:15here to see if we'd already bounced his cheque to the wine merchant.
07:18he'll need an alibi.
07:19it's the parish council meeting tonight.
07:20what did you tell him?
07:21i didn't tell him anything.
07:22why do you always assume i'm stupid?
07:24i did.
07:26did you laugh down the telephone?
07:28i might have snorted a little i suppose.
07:31i will kill you one day race.
07:33no you won't.
07:34if you killed me you'd have nobody to victimize.
07:40i want you to take a long good look at yourself.
07:45what are you doing?
07:48what are you doing?
07:50taking a look at myself.
07:52not at your personal appearance.
07:55there's always room for improvement in all of us.
07:57i want you to take a good look inside yourself.
08:01and i want you to project a very clear self-image.
08:03and i want you to say to yourself.
08:06there is nothing wrong with me.
08:08billy hewitt.
08:09nothing at all.
08:11can you do that?
08:15yeah.
08:16good.
08:18i get hay fever.
08:21fine.
08:21okay.
08:22but hay fever doesn't stop you applying for jobs does it?
08:24oh no.
08:25so are there any more problems?
08:27i haven't come in for myself this week.
08:30johnny biggs's garage next door has fell over.
08:33and he wants to know if you can sue the bloke who put it up.
08:36possibly.
08:37who put it up?
08:38i did.
08:40but i'm a mate of his and he doesn't feel like taking us to court.
08:43so he wondered if he could get compensation off the council.
08:46off the council?
08:47well he reckons it's their fault.
08:48did he say why?
08:49he never had planning permission.
08:53all right mr pillinger.
08:56yeah i can't see any difficulty there.
08:58i'll get our business development manager a call on you in the next couple of days.
09:02not at all.
09:04bye.
09:05uh fix up an appointment for dicky masters to go down to new metals will you?
09:09where was i?
09:10david.
09:27david.
09:27i'll get you in Switzerland.
09:31hello dear boy.
09:33can i um can i interest you in some lottery tickets?
09:35what's it for?
09:37i'm not sure.
09:38it is good value.
09:39five for a pound.
09:41thank you.
09:42interesting case that chap hewitt.
09:44no he's not.
09:45he's like all the other bums that come in here looking for selling for nothing.
09:48never a word of thanks.
09:49it's all they can do to say hello.
09:52we open again at half past four.
09:54sorry.
09:55i just wanted to pop in and say hello and thank you mr braithwaite.
09:59what?
09:59i came in last week.
10:01do you remember?
10:02oh yes yes.
10:03you were worried about being evicted.
10:05yes i remember.
10:05i can't tell you how grateful i am.
10:07i really can't.
10:17here.
10:19you only good with application forms charles.
10:22this bank's going to hell in a basket.
10:24we've got more debts than clients.
10:26it's not my fault.
10:27you are a prime example.
10:28you can't manage your own money.
10:29my money's no problem.
10:31it's my debts that get out of hand.
10:34mrs baker's had another court order.
10:36the vat office has been on the phone again.
10:39and will you please ring the vicar?
10:41he's threatening to put a curse on the bank.
10:44it's too late.
10:47oh dear.
10:48is that it?
10:49have we finished oppressing the poor for today?
10:52yeah.
10:53go and give ned a hand then.
10:54see if you can dig out a list of orphans to disinherit.
10:58you know i feel like richard the third today apart from the hub.
11:01you can cure that with hormone injections.
11:03pop it.
11:03or i'll get the vicar to put a curse on you.
11:05what?
11:06oh no.
11:07no not you mr enderby.
11:09i was referring to another man of the cloth.
11:12i know that you don't put curses on people.
11:16do you?
11:19now that's very interesting.
11:26you'll have to put more than your name you know.
11:29i thought i'd wait until you came home.
11:31oh i see.
11:32couldn't remember where you lived.
11:34right that's it.
11:35bend over the table.
11:36oh give it a rest.
11:37i've been bending over the table all day.
11:39shall i rub this in then?
11:40or do you want to drink it?
11:43well it seems straightforward enough to me.
11:46well there are a couple of tricky questions here.
11:50hmm.
11:51and again there.
11:53i see.
11:55so what do you think i should do then?
11:57oh there they are.
11:58very tricky questions.
11:59yes.
12:00lie.
12:02what?
12:03when in doubt lie.
12:05dishonesty is the best policy.
12:06always write down however what you lied about and memorize it.
12:10liars have got to have good recall.
12:12first rule of business ethics.
12:13i'm not sure i'm ready for all this.
12:15you know this pinstripe thuggery.
12:17did you find out what the job was?
12:20well not exactly no.
12:23are you telling me that you applied for a job without knowing what it was?
12:28well look at it like this bell.
12:29i must be right for the job.
12:31otherwise they wouldn't have sent me the application form.
12:35i don't want to argue with you.
12:36i've had a very hard day.
12:38good.
12:38i was counting on that.
12:39um louise said i should make a list of all my most positive qualities.
12:44let's see.
12:46well i haven't quite finished yet.
12:51tall.
12:54that's it.
12:58i'm out of practice bell.
13:00life overtook me on the crown of the bend.
13:03we'll fill it in after dinner.
13:04great.
13:05great.
13:05and um.
13:08if there's time afterwards.
13:09perhaps we could uh.
13:11have a look at the application form too.
13:14what it boils down to is making up.
13:17a very convincing history.
13:19which will explain to them.
13:20how you suddenly find yourself able to take a job.
13:23and which will also show them.
13:25how lucky they are to have you along for an interview.
13:29employment history.
13:31twelve years of intense worrying.
13:34followed by bankruptcy.
13:36followed by eight years as a successful house husband.
13:39hmm.
13:40it's like i said.
13:42we have to approach it absolutely head on.
13:44full frontal.
13:45nothing hidden.
13:46give it to them.
13:47straight from the shoulder.
13:47in short.
13:48look them straight in the eye.
13:49and line your teeth.
13:50you got it in one.
13:54being worried is healthy.
13:56people who aren't worried.
13:57don't perform to the best of their abilities.
13:59bell.
13:59that's a load of cobblers.
14:01worried people perform very badly.
14:04sweat trickles down the inside of their trouser legs.
14:07and gathers in cold puddles behind their knees.
14:10maybe you should practice.
14:13worrying or sweating.
14:15you should practice now.
14:18what?
14:18look.
14:19where are you going?
14:20i cleaned my teeth.
14:22if i'm going to be interviewed in bed.
14:23i want to make a good impression.
14:24come on.
14:27it's not such a silly idea you know.
14:28i've done a course on interviewing.
14:31i can open the bank and do it early.
14:33we can do it properly in an office and everything.
14:35god.
14:41tell me again.
14:42what is this job you're going for?
14:45charles.
14:46it's a mock interview.
14:47i should take it seriously if i was you.
14:50the whole thing's ridiculous.
14:52sitting outside my wife's bank pretending to be interviewed for a job.
14:55oh it's your wife is it that has this bank.
14:59things have changed since my day.
15:01changed a lot.
15:04i must be off now charles.
15:06thanks for the lift.
15:08barefoot and pregnant it was in my day you know.
15:11i can wear shoes now charles.
15:14oh.
15:14i have started.
15:39i beg your pardon.
16:00you see what I'm doing don't you uh no no not exactly what I'm apart from looking at some
16:05papers I'm establishing PD PD right PD what's PD psychological domination establish that you're
16:18in charge first rule of any interview what you can do about it well it's your office you want to
16:26fill the vacancy if you want to waste your own time it's up to you is that right brilliant by
16:32saying nothing you throw the emphasis back on to me do I get the job then you're getting closer
16:43slip your trousers off and I'll show you a trick
16:52step two sexual harassment and innuendo mainly applies to female interviewees a man signed my
16:58letter that really would be sexual harassment how do I deal with that then don't take your trousers
17:05off anyway what if I really need the job you don't seem to have tried very hard to find work
17:15in the
17:15last eight years mr. Braithwaite I have a unique blend of talents your particular advert was the
17:24only one that's tempted me to apply in all that time do you expect me to believe that if you
17:28don't
17:28this is gonna be the shortest interview you've had all day what are we worrying about you could get
17:33shortlisted for Pope you've got more front than Blackpool you should bend over more often it suits
17:43you shh what's she doing in there how should I know you're the one who's listening at the keyhole
17:48she's interviewing her husband for a job well why should I worry he can't type he doesn't know a
17:54thing about banking what sort of a job could he do in here he could do yours well you're not
18:01exactly a
18:02banking encyclopedia are you I mean look at that business with a vicar right that's it no woman is
18:06gonna give me the runaround no woman in the right mind would want to Ned I've made a decision I'm
18:12gonna call
18:13Estelle she'll know what to do that's in and he thinks you're interviewing mr. B for his job he's
18:23phoning his wife you can't let the poor devil think he's gonna lose his job he'd be filled with
18:29insecurity and make a nice change from arrogance hello Belinda Braithwaite hello Estelle hold on hold
18:40Ned is not getting the sack Estelle he yeah well I'm very sorry to disappoint you but yes he will
18:49still be working here in the foreseeable future goodbye Estelle do I detect a rift in someone's
18:57loot Estelle has never liked Ned working here I can see why you're a very attractive woman mrs. Braithwaite
19:08I thought we were still in the interview mode I thought that was something that you and Jess had
19:13cooked up between you so you stayed in character I did yes you have just made a pass at the
19:19interviewer I did yes I'm glad you recognized it I'm a bit out of practice well you did say to
19:27use all
19:28the means at my disposal it would only work with a woman of course yes and if I do get
19:35a job I shall
19:37be working with women probably so you will the social interchange the chit chat chit chat the day-to-day
19:48intercourse I preferred interchange slip of the tongue yes have you ever thought of oil rigs at
19:59all mr. Braithwaite as little as possible I have to say you um you don't seem to have been doing
20:08anything in particular for the last couple of years mr. Braithwaite can you tell me
20:13why that is please I am married to the most wonderful woman in the world mrs. Braithwaite
20:22do go on a woman of charm and talent who doesn't really know how charming and talented she is I
20:30don't know if I should be telling you all this a
20:32perfect stranger nobody's perfect my wife is but you see she doesn't think she is she thinks that she's
20:41just a housewife at heart she runs a full-time very demanding job and she does it well she does
20:47it very
20:47well and she wants to throw it all up and become somebody just ordinary that's why I'm looking for a
20:56job
20:58you're a swine you know that yes it might work you know this uh this mock boyish mock mock boyish
21:08robert redford dan quail type duplicity cross your fingers for an interview or under 40
21:14we are still in interview mode let me remind you absolutely I should leave that bit in about your
21:21wife being wonderful all right not too much boyish grin though no no no no no no don't don't uh
21:27don't
21:28modify the mouth just do less of it that's right we don't want you looking like little Abner
21:35right now stand up please over there
21:42her suit's wrong hair's okay shoes aren't bad the tie's a disaster it's the only one I've got
21:53you can borrow one of Desmond's his tie's making it like his tongue's hanging out
21:59that's Desmond's brothel tie
22:04what if anyone went to a brothel he wouldn't want to be wearing anything that made him
22:08stick out
22:12like a broad grin
22:15women have no sense of humor you know they have it removed surgically at birth
22:21no it wears off slowly and painfully if they are forced to live with men I have done everything
22:29you two have asked me to do short of ironing my face and all you can do is stand there
22:33like
22:33prophets of doom shaking your heads it just doesn't look like you well it's not supposed to look like
22:38me it's supposed to look like someone looking for a job oh you're right no it no he's right no
22:43we
22:43we are expecting too much out of a blue brothel tie in a dark grey suit David is still in
22:50there
22:50somewhere we just can't see him
23:07what time's the interview what oh anytime now he just needs to do reasonably well
23:13but to do that he needs an interviewer that he can relate to
23:21thank you mr. Stephens
23:25mr. Braithwaite
23:26yes mr. Braithwaite that's me David Braithwaite hello
23:31my name's Irene Leith would you like to come in and tell me a little bit about yourself
23:36I'd be delighted
23:45I like your tie thank you I borrowed it from the man next door do you sit down
23:56and tell me why you felt you had to borrow a tie
24:04well I have a word with you Belinda alone I don't want it spreading all over town I only repeat
24:12interesting stuff that will do that will do thank you very much both of you sit down
24:17I do understand if it's all right with you fine what's the problem I've applied for a job at head
24:25office personnel department staff welfare and well I'd like you to give me a reference that's not how it works
24:36Ned you know that they send me a form and I tell them what I think of you on it
24:39I want to know what you think of me now written down in black and white so I can argue
24:44with it what if I say something nice about you
24:46I knew you wouldn't take this seriously what do you want to go to personnel for anyway
24:52well so I can look at people's files
24:58has he got another job is he moving
25:00you're not religious by any chance are you
25:03I'm a vegetarian how can I be religious
25:05well start saying your prayers anyway Ned has applied for a move to head office personnel
25:10your annual report might well land on Ned's desk for action
25:14how long have I got left to start being nice to him
25:16well it's only uh only applied for the job so far
25:19give him a lousy reference
25:22you seem to have everything we're looking for mr. Braithwaite
25:25good
25:25there's just one final detail
25:29where do you bank
25:31what do you want to know for
25:32it's just a formality
25:35trust me
25:39well Guinness Gordon's gin and Johnny Walker whiskey are not communion wine
25:47oh no we the wine merchants bill is always itemized
25:52well I believe he is a Christian yes
25:57bless you too mr. Anthony
26:00have you asked personnel about my appraisal form yet
26:04it's no good Ned they won't let me show you
26:06oh forgive me if I don't believe you Belinda
26:08all right all right you can talk to them yourself
26:11here you are
26:12oh no no I don't want them thinking I'm a troublemaker
26:15you are a troublemaker
26:16personnel please
26:19Jessica
26:22Jessica would you mind remaining at your desk like other people
26:25if anything interesting happens I will send you a memo
26:27yes sneak
26:30your husband's here
26:32I'll hold
26:34how did you get on
26:36graduate engineer
26:37experience of running own company
26:39mature
26:40well-developed personality
26:41good communication skills
26:43they bit my hand off
26:44brilliant
26:47what
26:47oh yes yes I'm holding
26:49it's a really wonderful opportunity Belle
26:52there was this woman Mrs. Leith
26:54you'd really like her
26:54now what she does is this
26:56hello
26:58yes
26:59oh well can I leave a message for him then please
27:02yes
27:03this is Belinda Braithwaite
27:06I'd like to give a month's notice in advance please
27:09yes
27:12yes I'll confirm it in writing
27:14thank you goodbye
27:17what's the matter
27:18what's the matter
27:19look it doesn't much matter when you started that's what's bothering you
27:24what did you do that for
27:26well that was the deal
27:27you start work I stop
27:30when do you start by the way
27:34I was trying to tell you what it is exactly that Mrs. Leith does when you handed your notice in
27:41go on
27:43well you see companies are always coming to her and saying find me this sort of person or find me
27:48that sort of person so what she does is she gets a list of various sorts of persons
27:56like you
27:58yes which is why she put the advert in the paper
28:00how much
28:02to see how many chaps there were on the market as it were
28:06I beg your pardon
28:08how much money have you given her
28:11it'll be worth every penny bell
28:13I have a unique and much sought after blend of talents
28:17250 pounds
28:18but you can always rescind your notice
28:21I wonder
28:25would you mind taking off Desmond's tie for a moment
28:30why
28:31I'm gonna punch you on the nose
28:33it's a new suit as well
28:35the suit belongs to us
29:13thank you
29:15I love you
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