- 5 minutes ago
"Sheila's driving lessons have to be put on hold when the car won't start, a pair of mechanics quickly identify a long list of unexpected faults, and Peter deals with customers when he tries to pick it up from the garage." IMDB Starring David Jason, Jacqueline Clarke, Richard Wilson, Alun Armstrong
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TVTranscript
00:01You
01:00Oh, well, that's it, then, is it? I suppose we'll have to call it a day. Now, is it? All
01:05go home, is it?
01:21Where are you?
01:25How much have you had to drink?
01:27Ten whiskies. Four with ginger ale.
01:30Do you throw them all away?
01:31I'm still speaking to you, aren't I?
01:34Women?
01:36No, no, no, women. Just the men from Planning.
01:42Oh, that's Mr Dangerfield from Dispatch.
01:45What? What's he doing?
01:47He's impersonating Shirley Bassett.
01:51So, when are you coming home?
01:53I told you, I can't leave until the boss leaves. I've explained all that off his protocol. I've got to
02:00wait until he goes.
02:01Get your clothes off, Peter. Mr Matthews wants to demonstrate social therapy.
02:08He wants the proof.
02:10He wants the proof.
02:10He wants the proof.
02:14Hello. Yes? That was, um, that was Mr Dangerfield again.
02:19He's, um, he's doing Angela Rippon.
02:23No, no, tell a lie. Tell a lie. It was Margaret Thatcher.
02:26It was the legs that fooled me.
02:28Oh, grief.
02:30It's Mr Matthews. He's coming over.
02:33Look, he's bound to stop.
02:37Hello, Vins.
02:37It's Barnes, sir.
02:38Yes.
02:39Not very wife.
02:41Oh, wife? No, no, no.
02:44Yes, yes.
02:45Keep on guessing, Vins.
02:47Yes, sir.
02:47Never let them know where you're at.
02:49Right, right.
02:50Tell, um, excuse me, sir.
02:51Hey, why don't you come over, you little naughtiness?
02:57I wouldn't check in with your wife.
02:59No, I wouldn't check with one.
03:00Can't have your wife at meetings, can you, old sir?
03:03No, no, sir. No, not at all.
03:04Holding her hand, eh?
03:05Ha, ha, ha.
03:06God, I'm smashed.
03:07Yes, sir.
03:09Can you drive?
03:10Uh, yes, sir.
03:11Yeah, I bloody can't.
03:13What have you got?
03:14It's a mini, sir.
03:15Oh, God, no.
03:16Has he got tinted windows?
03:18No, but I have got a pair of sunglasses that you could borrow, sir, if you really want.
03:21It can't be seen in a mini.
03:23No, sir.
03:23You've got a small mind, Bins.
03:25Barnes, Barnes, sir.
03:26See, exactly, exactly what I mean.
03:29Never get on with the small car, Bins.
03:31Sir.
03:32Chairman's wife's got long legs.
03:34She gets cramped.
03:35Oh, does she?
03:36I see.
03:36Ah.
03:37Hello.
03:38Hey.
03:38How are you?
03:38Are you divorced?
03:39Uh, very nearly, sir.
03:40Good, good.
03:41Glad to hear it.
03:42How do I need a solid family man in his outfit?
03:45No, sir.
03:45He won't work in the desert, will he?
03:47I don't think I understand that, sir.
03:48Neither do I.
03:49Oh, I see.
03:50Hey, uh, get me home, will you?
03:52Yes, sir, certainly.
03:53That's an order.
03:53Well, I've got to take the boss home now, Mr. Stone.
03:57It's all right.
03:58It's all right.
04:00I'll soon have you in bed.
04:01Sit down.
04:02It's just a little bit.
04:04Second.
04:05All right.
04:06Mr. Could you just stand for a minute?
04:08Because you are...
04:09You're a big, big...
04:11Just lean.
04:15Just lean on me.
04:16You'll be all right in a minute.
04:21You can come in, young man.
04:23But that bundle you have with you is not wanted here.
04:28Take it away.
04:29And where shall I take you?
04:31Take it away.
04:33Put up, your man.
04:34Take it away.
04:36Take it away.
04:37It's all right, sir.
04:40It's all right, my mark.
04:41Oh, thank you.
04:42Oh, excuse me.
04:45Excuse me.
04:46Sir, it's all right.
04:47I could just get the...
04:49Hi-ya!
04:49Make your part.
04:50I'm sorry.
04:51Make your part.
04:52If you could just move over.
04:54Open the door.
04:56Take it back.
04:57Blind your head, sir.
04:59Yes.
04:59Get it.
05:00I have a bit of...
05:01Ow!
05:04I'm sorry.
05:05I'm sorry about this.
05:06I'll do a big impact.
05:16I'll drive.
05:17I'll drive.
05:19I'm all right.
05:44Oh, dear boy.
05:51That's the way of dainting ladies.
05:52Must be your thing.
05:53No, sir.
05:54Come on.
05:54Come on, sir.
05:55Look, if you just put one foot on the stairs,
05:56I'll support you from the back, sir.
05:58Hey.
05:58Dear boy.
05:59Dear boy.
06:00Right.
06:01Oh, er...
06:02What?
06:02You wouldn't have a drink handy, would you?
06:04No, sorry, sir.
06:04Don't keep any in the house.
06:05Come on.
06:05Off we go.
06:05Off we go.
06:06Good idea.
06:07You know a little club.
06:08No, I didn't.
06:09Oh, you're awake, sir.
06:10I haven't gone to any clubs.
06:11Please, sir, go to sleep now.
06:13Drink again in the morning.
06:14Oh, how boring.
06:15How boring.
06:16Oh, shh.
06:19Shh.
06:21It's in here.
06:23Shh.
06:23I'll just show you where the light switch is.
06:26No need.
06:27I can manage.
06:28It's all right.
06:29Young man, no.
06:29Shh.
06:30It's better in the dark.
06:32Better in the dark.
06:34I feel stealthily.
06:37It's just army training, you know.
06:39It never leaves you.
06:40Yes, sir.
06:41That's right.
06:42What army were you trained in, sir?
06:44It's over there.
06:47Good night, Barnes.
06:48It's Binns, sir.
06:49Really?
06:49Yes.
06:50Yes.
07:05All right.
07:20You haven't even established what he did.
07:22Shut up!
07:23Excuse me, you can't tell me to shut up in my own house.
07:26On the other hand, I do think we ought to keep a sense of proportion.
07:30You should have thought of that last night, shouldn't you, John?
07:33How could you?
07:34How could you?
07:36Look, thank you very much.
07:37Look.
07:38Look, if you'd only let me explain.
07:40How could you explain a thing like that?
07:41A thing like what?
07:42Lending your wife to your best friend.
07:44That is not true.
07:45He's not my best friend.
07:46Oh, that makes it worse.
07:48Anyone will do.
07:49No, look, I think you've got it all wrong.
07:51My wedding, babe.
07:53This was going to be for our daughter.
07:56All right, darling, get out.
07:58Look, Sheila, would anybody like a cup of tea?
08:02I couldn't touch anything in this house.
08:04I'll disinfect the cups.
08:05Now, listen, Sheila, darling,
08:06will you just let me speak?
08:08Just, darling, what is the matter?
08:09Don't let him speak!
08:10Oh!
08:11Oh, haven't you done enough?
08:13I haven't done anything.
08:15Look, darling, will you?
08:16She's going to get £60, this house and all the furniture.
08:19We'll see to that.
08:20Why?
08:21What do you mean?
08:22You don't think that she's going to go on living here with you
08:24after all that's happened?
08:25After all what?
08:25After all what has happened?
08:26That, Mr. Peter Barnes, is for my child's solicitors to decide.
08:30Solicitors?
08:31What do you want a solicitor for?
08:32He was only in there for two minutes and then he was almost asleep.
08:36That's your story.
08:37That's true.
08:37Ask Sheila.
08:38I'm not going to ask Sheila.
08:38Not in her state.
08:39What state?
08:40She's in a state of deep shock.
08:42She's in what?
08:43It's going over the details that bring on the nervous breakdowns later on.
08:48Nothing happened.
08:49It couldn't have.
08:50I can see her sitting here, the ironing all done,
08:53the cold milk in the saucepan waiting for your bedtime drink.
08:55It makes my blood boil.
08:56Yeah, don't forget the sardine sandwiches curling away on the bedside.
09:00The sardine sandwiches?
09:02Not for me.
09:04For her, for your virtuous daughter,
09:06the little lady who is so good that butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.
09:09Not that we have butter in this house.
09:11We're very good on ordinary heart attacks here.
09:13Sheila!
09:15Has he apologised?
09:16No, he hasn't.
09:17Now, what's all this about you and sardine sandwiches in bed?
09:20You don't like sardines.
09:21You never have done.
09:22You never liked all those tiny little things squashed up in those tins.
09:25They made you cry.
09:26I'm not forced into having them, Mum.
09:27I just fancy them now.
09:30Some nights she has anchovies as well.
09:32But I never say anything, you know me.
09:34Anchovies?
09:35Oh, Mum.
09:37I'm a child.
09:39No, you're not, love.
09:41You're with us.
10:10I couldn't get away from the solicitors.
10:12Yeah, what's she asking for?
10:14What is she asking for?
10:14What isn't she asking for?
10:15Look at this, look.
10:17Half the house, custody of the car, all the gardening tools.
10:21I don't know.
10:22Half the deep trees, the curtains, half the dining room table, the duvets,
10:26the wood from the built-in wardrobes.
10:28Half the stereo stuff.
10:30I'll have to listen in mono now, won't I?
10:33Jesus, love.
10:33The cooker, the washing machine, the dinner plates, cutlery, fish knives,
10:37the glass top, the herbs that she's stuck in the garden and the pretend Welsh dressing.
10:42What have you done about it?
10:43I've cancelled the newspapers.
10:45But she's not, she is not going to get away with this.
10:48I shall fight this to the death.
10:49No chance, no chance.
10:51Let it go.
10:51Let it all go.
10:52It's less painful.
10:53I've got you by your instalments.
10:55Have you changed the locks on the house like I told you?
10:57No.
10:58First thing you should have done, once they get back in,
11:01kicks me in their place, outside.
11:03Let them in and you've had it.
11:05How can you entertain little ravers?
11:06They can burst in any time they like.
11:08You said that I wanted to entertain.
11:09Well, you'll have to get somebody in to do your shirts.
11:11No, look, actually, I'm hoping for a reconciliation.
11:14What do you offer?
11:15No, look, my wife...
11:17Your ex-wife?
11:18Now, get your terms right from the very start.
11:20All right, my ex-wife is pregnant.
11:22And how do you know it was you?
11:23How do you like a punch in the ear off?
11:26Honestly, I hope that, sincerely, that sense will prevail over this one.
11:30Yeah, there's no hope for you, son.
11:31Your programme lost forever.
11:33Have you any idea what it's like in court?
11:35No.
11:36Girl, I'll believe her, you know.
11:37Little woman sniffing away.
11:39Refuse me visiting, right, it's all Gregory did.
11:41Yeah, right?
11:42Yeah, very tough on murderers and all.
11:44And shoplifters.
11:45Who do you want to visit?
11:47You haven't got any kids.
11:48I just want to have a look at me fitted carpet now and then.
11:51And the woven three-piece suite.
11:53It's all paid for, you know.
11:55Wouldn't let me.
11:56Said it were too provoking.
11:58She'll be on it now.
11:59See?
12:00The carpet, I mean.
12:02Picked up with a metal worker from her night school classes.
12:06Big blog.
12:07Makes her mild steel jewellery.
12:08Right heavy it is.
12:09Wears a ton.
12:10She can't stand up.
12:11He's not daft, is he?
12:14Why does he leave you?
12:16Well, it was his yoga teacher.
12:18His wife kept finding him standing on their heads together.
12:21Dead safe that way.
12:23Little Japanese clacker she was.
12:25Only like married men.
12:27Can't stand me now.
12:29I'm going to contest the case.
12:30Well, I think you're a fool.
12:31No one will believe you.
12:32Look, who's round is it?
12:33Take mine.
12:46Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear.
12:51Were you in the army, Mr Barnes?
12:53No.
12:53Pity.
12:54Oh, why?
12:55Always looks good in court.
12:56Army service, right?
12:58Ah, yes.
12:58No, I didn't do anything like that.
13:00Some of us had no choice, you know.
13:04Oh, she's not pregnant.
13:05That's one good thing.
13:06Mr Fraze, is there any chance of getting this case sort of dropped?
13:10Like that, you mean?
13:11Yes.
13:12No.
13:12Well, what if I withdraw the case?
13:14Worse thing you could do.
13:17Look, couldn't we just start all over again?
13:20What, you mean, instruct another solicitor?
13:22No, not us.
13:23I mean, me and my wife.
13:24Can't we just make it up?
13:25Well, according to this, she's after blood.
13:28Your blood.
13:29Oh, yeah, that'll be her mother egging her on.
13:31Now, did you crawl over a slight graze on the side of your vehicle?
13:35Slight graze?
13:36It needed a new wing and the whole of the chassis was bending.
13:39Still fierce to the left.
13:41His eyes locked into a stir and he pounded the kitchen table and shouted gibberish all through family favourites.
13:48I was upset.
13:49It was a new car.
13:50I'd only had it four months.
13:51Think more of your car than you do your wife, Mr Barnes.
13:54No, no, no.
13:55Just whose side are you supposed to be on?
13:57I'm only doing what the other side will do.
14:00Yeah, well, they don't go into all that, though, will they?
14:02Ah!
14:02Tear you apart.
14:04Experts.
14:06I insist that I could enter the bath with him.
14:10Just to say, what?
14:15Then I was chased through the house and he barked like a dog.
14:19I guess she used to pretend to be a kitten and I was a chow-chow.
14:25You read more like a rabid Alsatian here, Mr Barnes.
14:28It was only just a game.
14:29I was forced to do these things and my feelings were never considered.
14:33Oh, what about my feelings?
14:34What about when she used to eat cornflakes in bed, then, eh?
14:36What about...
14:37I bet you didn't mention that.
14:38Once, because of extreme tiredness due to his unreasonable behaviour,
14:42I accidentally fell asleep and my dish of breakfast cereal wet his pyjamas.
14:46Well, it was three o'clock in the morning and that milk was freezing.
14:51And what about her and her mother when her and her mother
14:53walked right up the wet concrete on my drive, eh?
14:56Eh?
14:56What about that for provocation?
14:58My mother has been by my side in all these troubles
15:01and has guided by every step.
15:03Yeah, two sets of footprints all the way up to the greenhouse.
15:06Yeah, and mother said, why don't you make a feature of it?
15:07You know, put in their fairy footsteps.
15:09Yeah, make a garden gnome.
15:12I promised to use her as a mould.
15:15Yes.
15:15On one occasion, he asked my mother to squat on the lawn
15:19while he poured concrete on her.
15:21But he refused, of course.
15:23It's all there, isn't it?
15:24Every word, every gesture.
15:26Yes, he makes me wear suspenders.
15:29Oh, Joe.
15:31But I don't mind this.
15:33Oh, that's nice.
15:34Yes, now we come into the area
15:35where you force Mr Matthews into your wife's arms.
15:39Animals offer their partners to others.
15:41This drunken man lurched into my...
15:45lurched into my bedroom and started to undress.
15:48He smelt terrible and staggered about using the most disgusting language.
15:53I thought it was my husband and did nothing at this stage.
15:59Then when I realised it was a stranger, I screamed and screamed until help arrived.
16:04Yeah, help, that was me.
16:04I arrived.
16:05You see, nothing happened.
16:06Yes, but what about the intent, Mr Bond?
16:09The intent?
16:10That's the crux of the whole matter.
16:13I must say, this other chap's done a superb job at this.
16:17Superb?
16:18He's only 28, too.
16:20He's got a very good career ahead on if he keeps this up.
16:22I must say, it's very uplifting to have such a brilliant attack.
16:26Well, what do you think?
16:27Do you think I have a chance?
16:40Hello, Peter Barnes here, Sheila.
16:42I mean, Peter Barnes here.
16:43I got to a miss you.
16:44Oh, Sheila, it's you.
16:46Yeah.
16:46Hello.
16:47Thanks for calling back.
16:48I wasn't sure that the old, oh, your mother would pass on the message.
16:52Yes, sir, what do you want, Peter?
16:53Well, I just wanted to have a talk, and, uh, is your mother there?
16:59Uh, no.
17:00No, she is.
17:01She's there, shaking her head.
17:03Never mind.
17:04Listen, listen, listen, all I wanted to say, look, that we are two grown-up adult people,
17:09and we have responsibilities, and I think, uh, I think, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,
17:15I don't say anything.
17:16Ah, uh, yes.
17:19What do you think?
17:20Hmm?
17:21About what?
17:22Well, it's, it's just that, look, it's quite obvious to me, and a lot of other people that
17:28I may add, that, that, that, that, that you, and, and, and, you know, and, well, and I,
17:33are, um, are what?
17:35Pardon?
17:36You and I are what?
17:37Well, everybody said so, didn't they, at the wedding.
17:40What?
17:41What did they say?
17:42That you and I were a perfect match.
17:48You know, it seems such a waste, I think, to throw that all away, don't you?
17:55Well...
17:56Hmm?
17:56And I was thinking, listen, I was thinking, if, if, only if you're agreeable, mind you,
18:00that, that we, you know, perhaps could meet and have a chat on our own.
18:04Oh!
18:04And, and, and, and sort of talk things out.
18:06Hmm?
18:07What do you, what do you think, eh?
18:08Oh, yes, I'd like that.
18:09You would.
18:10You, you would?
18:11Oh, good.
18:12Well, that's, that's, that's fine, then.
18:13Well, that, great, super, thank you very much for talking to me.
18:16Peter, Peter!
18:16What?
18:17When?
18:18When shall we meet?
18:19Ah, when?
18:19Well, I, darling, I really don't think that we ought to rush into this.
18:21What about tonight at the house?
18:22Oh, yes, that's fine.
18:25That's lovely.
18:26What, say about nine?
18:26Oh, yes, that's fine, that's fine.
18:29Nine will be fine.
18:30Nine will be fine.
18:31Nine will be fine.
18:32Nine will be fine.
18:33Good.
18:33Well, I'll look forward to that, then.
18:35Oh, yes, so will I.
18:35So will I.
18:37Goodbye, goodbye.
18:37Could you, could you say hello to your mother for me?
18:40Ah, oh, yes, but she sends her love.
18:45Goodbye, then.
18:46Oh, goodbye, ciao, ciao.
18:48Goodbye, goodbye.
18:49Goodbye, bye, kitten.
18:53Ah, it's Barn, Barn, Barn, then, sir.
18:59Have you got your cast right for transplants?
19:01Well, very, very nearly, sir.
19:03Not quite, but very nearly, you know, I think they're coming along, sir.
19:05All a little move.
19:06What is it, then?
19:06What is, it's nothing, sir, it's just that I'm, I'm expecting, uh, expecting a bird
19:10round my place tonight for drinks.
19:11Oh, good, good.
19:12Why, no?
19:13Uh, well, she, um, nearly got you into bed once.
19:15Ha, good boy.
19:17Quite a crack at one.
19:18Yes, sir.
19:19Oh, uh, Mr. Matthews, I wonder if I could get off a bit early tonight, eh?
19:23Oh, but, sir, you know, I've got a hell of a lot to do.
19:26The house needs clearing up.
19:27It's in a terrible mess.
19:28Want to get the wine in as well.
19:29I doubt that, Binns.
19:30I doubt that very much indeed.
19:32But why, sir?
19:33Well, work, Binns, work, responsibility, management, dedication.
19:38See the thing through in your own time, if need be.
19:40Think of the firm.
19:41Sir, I have nearly finished all my work.
19:43Well, I have, Binns.
19:44Somebody's got to take the chairman's wife out to lunch, Binns.
19:48I've got the Stoke Point announcements.
19:50I'm depending on you now.
19:51You'll be away by nine.
19:53Oh, that's fine.
19:56Hey, fellas, I've got some good news.
19:58She got married again.
20:00No, not that good.
20:01No, her and the boyfriend are giving me custody of the car this Saturday afternoon.
20:05So I drive us all to the match.
20:06They're playing away.
20:07Where?
20:08Carlisle.
20:09Massacre.
20:10What did you do?
20:11Evil, every one of them.
20:13Hello, lads.
20:14Hi.
20:14Sorry, I can't stop.
20:15I'm working like a dog.
20:16Oh, increase the payments, have they?
20:18Yeah, yeah.
20:18No, no.
20:19Palmer, give me a bottle of champagne.
20:21Oh, I see.
20:22It's going to be one of those nights, is it?
20:24Oh, sir.
20:25Well done.
20:26I thought you were a lost cause.
20:27Little cracker, is she?
20:28Yeah, I ain't so.
20:30Who would have thought it, eh?
20:31Well, we'd better drink on that, lads.
20:33I'm sorry.
20:34It's very nice of you, lads, but I really can't stop.
20:35How much is that?
20:36Seven quid.
20:37Right, thanks, lads.
20:37Now I've got to work right through the lunch hour.
20:39The boss has given me a whole pile of work.
20:41I'm dying to get home.
20:41There's a place in a terrible mess.
20:43I'm trying to clear it up.
20:43Well, I didn't want to say anything, no,
20:45but it was last week when we played cards round there.
20:47No, no, it still is.
20:48Well, she's not going to like that, is she?
20:49Puts a bird off that, you know.
20:50Come on.
20:51Looking at dirty dishes.
20:52Yeah, some birds can't wait to get at it.
20:53Oh, the washing up.
20:55There's only one thing for it.
20:57We are going to have to go round there and clean up for you.
21:00No, I don't think that...
21:01Make us some beer and make a palace of it for you.
21:03What a good idea.
21:04No, I...
21:05Have you got colour telly?
21:06Well, yeah.
21:06Well, that's settled then.
21:07No, look.
21:08Stick this on ice round six, get a nice chill on it.
21:11Give us the key.
21:12You sit back and relax and leave it all to us.
21:14No, look.
21:15Proud of the usual, please, Jules.
21:16I'll tell you what, a nice portion of skates and ship seats is really going down.
21:19No, no, no.
21:20Now, come on, fellas.
21:21I'll keep on.
21:21Watch your ass.
21:22I'll keep on.
21:23Well, you stop fussing.
21:24You're clucking away like an old hen.
21:26Yeah, I'll take a look at that one.
21:27Oh, brilliant.
21:29Hey, quick, come on.
21:30Come here.
21:32Come on, get me here.
21:33Ow, ow, ow, ow.
21:34Quick.
21:35Oh, good.
21:59Pizza?
22:04Pizza?
22:17That must be cool.
22:19It's really cool, calm.
22:21Look at it.
22:21I'm sweating.
22:23I'm sweating.
22:23Just remain cool.
22:25Calm.
22:25Don't be too eager.
22:26See?
22:27Hello, darling.
22:28There you are.
22:29Sit down.
22:29Do sit down.
22:30Do sit down.
22:30Make yourself at home.
22:31Oh, you are at home, aren't you?
22:32Yes, I brought you some of my chocolates.
22:34Oh, you brought me some.
22:35They are nice.
22:36I like those.
22:36My favorite ones are the same as yours.
22:38Well, why don't you relax and have a, you know, what do you want?
22:41A drink?
22:41How do you like it?
22:42Do you have your special?
22:42Do you like your gin and champagne?
22:44What about champagne?
22:45Have a glass of champagne, eh?
22:47How's, you know, how's your darling mother?
22:49Is she all right?
22:50Uh, you look, you look really, you look really, really, you do tonight.
22:55You really do.
22:55And I love that, the hat and the dress and everything.
22:59Are they all new?
23:01I mean, get those, right?
23:02I'm sorry.
23:03I'm sorry.
23:04I'm sorry.
23:21I don't know.
23:26I don't know.
23:28I'm sorry.
23:30You're lying.
23:34would you like to get your clothes off I mean would you like to get out of these
23:38things darling you're soaking you're soaking me you wouldn't really want to
23:57share me with anyone would you Peter yeah only the lads from the local
24:01football team
24:45stop it
24:54you
25:00you
25:02you
25:03you
25:03you
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