- 5 weeks ago
"Peter and Sheila return to the hotel where they spent their honeymoon, a waiter offers to help when they arrive too late to eat in the restaurant, and they both get locked out of their room after deciding to take a bath." IMDB Starring David Jason, Jacqueline Clarke, Richard Wilson, Alun Armstrong
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TVTranscript
00:00.
00:42If you want to find out how times have changed,
00:45go back to a hotel you last visited seven years ago.
00:48It can be a very sobering experience.
00:51And I don't just mean discovering what they're now charging for a gin and tonic.
01:05Oh, I must have dropped a glove, Peter.
01:16Excuse me, madam, would this be your glove?
01:18Oh, yes, yes, thank you very much.
01:20Not at all.
01:22Peter?
01:24Peter?
01:25Peter?
01:31It's not a revolving door, that's the wall of death.
01:33What were you doing?
01:35Would you believe trying to find a porter?
01:36Well, you won't find one in there.
01:38I know, I just looked.
01:40Well, can we check in?
01:41I'm famished after that long car journey.
01:46Hope they've still got the same chef.
01:48Do you remember how delicious the food was when we came on our honeymoon?
01:52Vaguely.
01:52That was a period in my life when food became secondary.
01:56My word, how you've changed.
01:58Oh, I wonder if Carlos is still here.
02:01Carlos?
02:02Yeah, the Spanish waiter, who always gave us such a lot of attention when we came down to dinner.
02:06And do you remember?
02:07You got quite jealous because you thought he fancied his chances.
02:11Yes, that's right, I remember now, yeah.
02:13And then I spotted his eye-make-up and realised he fancied me.
02:17Anyway, it was a lovely idea, darling, coming here to celebrate our wedding anniversary.
02:21Yeah, I know it was.
02:22I'm really glad I thought of it.
02:24Yeah, so am I.
02:25Ooh!
02:34What is it about this place that reminds me of the Marie Celeste?
02:40I wonder what the chances would be of them giving us our old room.
02:43Oh, very slim.
02:44I should think with odds like that you could get in the Guinness Book of Records.
02:47No, no.
02:47I mean, if you ask them, you know, it's a special favour.
02:50Ask them?
02:51I can't ask them, Sheila.
02:52No, no.
02:53Well, seven years married?
02:54I mean, you know, asking for the bridal suite.
02:57Do you want them to think that we're a couple of late developers?
03:00It would be terribly romantic, Peter.
03:02I'd love it.
03:03Yes, I know.
03:03With the rate we're going, we're going to be lucky to get a room at all.
03:05What is the matter?
03:06Is there a curfew on?
03:08Oh, I...
03:09Ah, you're actual signs of life.
03:11Ah, excuse me.
03:13Excuse me.
03:14Um, excuse...
03:15I say...
03:16I say, excuse me.
03:18Could you tell me, is there anybody looking after the...
03:22You know, I bet he's quite a good talker, if you could only get him going.
03:26Good evening.
03:28Sorry.
03:29Pardon?
03:30Can I help you, sir?
03:31Ah, yes.
03:32Sorry, good evening.
03:33We've just arrived.
03:34And you are?
03:36Here.
03:36This is us.
03:38My wife and myself.
03:40Quite.
03:40Your name, sir?
03:42It's Barnes, Peter.
03:43Mr. and Mrs.
03:44Mr. and Mrs. Barnes, Peter.
03:46Is that hyphenated?
03:49No, no, no, no.
03:50It's Barnes, Peter, as in Shaw, George Bernard.
03:55So you're Mr. and Mrs. Peter Barnes?
03:57Well, taken as a pair, yes.
04:01Yes.
04:02I don't seem to have you down on our list of expected guests.
04:05You did make a reservation, don't you, sir?
04:07Oh, yes.
04:07I rang last night.
04:08I spoke to a lady.
04:09I rang?
04:09Anne.
04:10Yes, that's right.
04:12One night, double room with Bath.
04:14It's our wedding anniversary.
04:16Well, we sort of made up our minds at the last minute.
04:18Yes.
04:19But there's nothing actually being put in writing.
04:21Oh, yes.
04:22It's all above board.
04:23We've got a marriage license.
04:26Yes, would you be kind enough to register, sir?
04:29Certainly.
04:36You'll be in room 317.
04:38Oh, what a shame.
04:40So near and yet so far.
04:41Beg pardon, madam.
04:43Would it be possible to put us in next door?
04:46I'm afraid we don't own next door, madam.
04:48It's a writing station.
04:50No, no.
04:51Well, I didn't mean next door, next door.
04:54We stayed here on our honeymoon seven years ago,
04:57and we'd rather like to sleep in our old room.
04:59316.
05:00Well, I'm afraid you won't have a very comfortable evening, madam.
05:02It's now our lift shaft.
05:05We added two faucets, then.
05:07No, 317 will do fine.
05:08Thank you, sir.
05:09Oh, could you tell me, by the way,
05:10do we have to book a table for dinner?
05:12Dinner?
05:13Uh, yeah, in about, what, 20 minutes?
05:18I'm afraid we won't get dinner this evening, sir.
05:20You're joking.
05:21The restaurant closes promptly at 9.30.
05:25I make it 10 to 9, at the moment.
05:26You're about right.
05:27Then why can't we have dinner?
05:28They don't accept orders after 8.45.
05:30I'm afraid we're having some problems with the staff.
05:33You're going to have problems with the customers in a minute.
05:36We've driven 97 miles to have dinner in your hotel.
05:39We are very flattered.
05:42I'm sure the chef will be as sorry as I am
05:44that you've arrived too late to sample his culinary delights.
05:48It's charmingly put, but I think you will agree
05:49that sympathy is no cure for malnutrition.
05:52I mean, my wife is ravenous.
05:53She was only saying as she got out of the car
05:54that she could eat a horse.
05:55Yes, I'm awfully sorry, sir,
05:57but in any case, that's something we don't serve.
06:00Well, I guess this will bring room service
06:02and there's no sound food sent out to your bedroom.
06:05Oh, well, that sounds rather cozy.
06:07Yes, I think I'd like that.
06:08Yes, I know, but it's the touch of the lycadol lumpets, really, isn't it?
06:11Excuse me, would you mind telling me
06:12what would you have done if I'd been Egon Roney?
06:15Egon Roney's been here already, sir.
06:17You seem pretty confident he won't come back again.
06:20Yes, if you'll follow me.
06:26Yes, I'll have your luggage sent up to your room, madam.
06:40There's some luggage by reception.
06:41Will you bring it up to 317, please?
06:43It's on its way, Mr. Curly, sir.
06:56Bathroom?
06:58Ah, 317.
06:59I knew it was around this corner somewhere.
07:06Private bathroom?
07:07Ooh!
07:09It's very comfortable in here.
07:11It's one of our more select rooms.
07:14If you should find it too warm,
07:16there's a control on the radio.
07:19You'll find plenty of rooms for your clothing in here.
07:23You'll find plenty of room for your clothing in here.
07:24Coat hangers have been counted.
07:29We'll now stay to make the dressing table draw.
07:32And should you need anything else,
07:33just simply pick up the telephone.
07:35We hope you'll be very happy to stay with us.
07:37Not at all, sir.
07:38Just a minute, Mr. Brown.
07:40Yes, sir?
07:41Sorry.
07:42It's just that we were wondering,
07:45you know,
07:47if it would be at all possible.
07:49It's about the beds.
07:51The beds?
07:52Yes.
07:53You see,
07:53when we booked a double room,
07:56well, we naturally assumed that,
07:58yeah.
08:00And it's our wedding anniversary,
08:03and even at home,
08:05you know,
08:05we don't normally
08:07sleep,
08:10separately.
08:13I'm afraid I'm not with you, sir.
08:14Yeah, but my wife is.
08:18I forget my meaning,
08:19and, um,
08:19well, quite, quite, quite frankly,
08:21she would,
08:22you know,
08:23and so would I.
08:24I mean,
08:29I think I see what you're getting at now, sir.
08:31Not that we're,
08:32not that we're breaking our neck or anything.
08:35Sorry.
08:36Well,
08:37as a matter of fact,
08:38most of our double rooms are now twin bedded,
08:40but as you can see,
08:41we're trying to position the beds
08:43at a discreet distance.
08:44I mean,
08:44after all,
08:44it's not a long walk.
08:45It's not a long walk.
08:48No,
08:50I appreciate that,
08:51but now you've come to mention it,
08:53I think I've forgotten my carpet slippers.
08:57Yes,
08:57well,
08:57I'm afraid it's the only accommodation
08:58we have available, sir.
09:00Ah,
09:00well,
09:00that's it.
09:01No,
09:01I forget.
09:01Fine.
09:02Thank you very much.
09:02Your luggage will be up short.
09:06I knew something like this would happen.
09:09Oh,
09:09now,
09:09come on,
09:10darling,
09:10come on.
09:11listen,
09:11tell you what I'm going to do.
09:12I'm going to ring room service
09:14and get them to bring up the most ecstatic meal
09:16you've ever had
09:16and order a big bottle of champagne
09:18and we're going to sit here in our dressing gowns
09:20and woof it all down.
09:21And then you know what I'm going to do?
09:23I'm going to toss you for whose bed we sleep in.
09:26Oh,
09:27darling,
09:27I do love you when you turn masterful.
09:30And go run myself a hot bar.
09:31Yes,
09:32right.
09:35Of course,
09:36this is all very well in theory,
09:38but everything depends on the switchboard operator
09:41actually answering this telephone.
09:43I mean,
09:43and that can take,
09:44what,
09:44you know,
09:4415 minutes?
09:46Longer if she happens to be
09:47knitting a pair of socks for her cat.
09:54And then,
09:54of course,
09:54you've got to wait for the waiter
09:56to come and take your order.
09:57Now,
09:58that can be a career in itself.
10:04Are you all right?
10:05Can't grumble,
10:06sir.
10:10Oh,
10:11room service.
10:11Oh,
10:11room service.
10:12Yes,
10:12come in.
10:12Do come in.
10:16Ah.
10:17Right,
10:17sir,
10:17what's it to be?
10:18Right,
10:18now,
10:19first of all,
10:19I want to order
10:20a nice vintage bottle of champagne
10:22in an ice bucket.
10:28Set me a problem there,
10:30sir.
10:30Mm-hmm.
10:31All our ice buckets are full of
10:33tombola tickets,
10:34you see.
10:34Oh,
10:34I see.
10:35Dinner dance tomorrow.
10:36Yeah.
10:37Anyway,
10:38let's not balk at the first fence,
10:39eh?
10:41Right.
10:42One bot
10:43vint champ.
10:44Mm-hmm.
10:45Any particular year,
10:46sir?
10:46Tonight,
10:47if possible.
10:52I like it.
10:54I might use that one,
10:55sir.
10:55Well,
10:56feel free.
10:56That's about to.
10:57Oh,
10:58have you seen our menu,
10:59sir?
10:59No,
10:59not yet.
11:00You won't believe it.
11:01This is not bad.
11:03Well,
11:03it's all off down to there.
11:05Oh,
11:06well.
11:06Where it says sandwiches,
11:07sir.
11:08You can have cheese and tomato,
11:10egg and tomato,
11:10or tomato and tomato.
11:12This is ridiculous.
11:13Can't we have a proper meal?
11:14Certainly,
11:15sir,
11:15if you can make a meal
11:15out of sandwiches.
11:17I don't believe it.
11:19I said you wouldn't.
11:20Look,
11:21can't we have something
11:21simple off the trolley?
11:22I mean,
11:23why can't we have
11:24cold meat platter?
11:25Because the meat
11:26we've got's still hot.
11:28Well,
11:28bring that
11:29and I'll blow on it.
11:31Not that simple,
11:32sir.
11:33We're very short-staffed
11:34at the moment,
11:34you see.
11:35There's only been
11:35another bloke on,
11:36and he's got lumbago.
11:38Look,
11:38could I explain
11:39my predicament?
11:40Have you got a minute?
11:41All the time in the world,
11:42sir.
11:42thought you might have.
11:43Listen,
11:44my wife is expecting
11:45a celebration,
11:46dinner.
11:47She wants a candlelight,
11:48you know,
11:48croutons,
11:48coffee and those little tiny cups.
11:49Don't, sir,
11:50don't say you're breaking
11:50me heart.
11:55Right,
11:56sir.
11:57Now,
11:57what I'm about to do
11:58for you
11:59goes way beyond
12:00the call of duty.
12:01Yeah?
12:01And I hope you'll remember
12:02that when you get
12:03your wallet out.
12:03Yes,
12:03yes,
12:03I will,
12:04yes,
12:04I will,
12:04yeah.
12:05Right,
12:05sir,
12:06how do you fancy
12:06prawn cocktail
12:07for to start off with,
12:08followed by
12:09beef bourguignon
12:10with sauté potatoes
12:11and cauliflower
12:12au gratin
12:14with Dutch apple pie
12:15and fresh cream
12:15for to finish off with?
12:16That's fantastic.
12:17I'd feel a lot better
12:18after that.
12:19Well,
12:19I should hope so.
12:20You'll have eaten my supper.
12:22Now,
12:23look,
12:23you better leave that door open.
12:24I don't want to be
12:25hanging around
12:25with that lot on the trolley.
12:26Somebody sees us,
12:27they'll all want it.
12:29Sure.
12:29Yes,
12:30thank you,
12:30thank you very much.
12:36Sheila?
12:38Sheila?
12:43Do I,
12:43how long are you going to be?
12:45I'm enjoying
12:45a good soup.
12:46Oh,
12:47look,
12:47I'll tell you what,
12:48I'll have a dip
12:48across the corridor,
12:49all right,
12:50just to save time.
12:51I'll tell you what,
12:51I'll have to leave
12:52the bedroom door open
12:53because the waiter's
12:53coming back with the food.
12:54Okay, darling.
12:55All right.
12:58All right.
12:59All right.
13:20funny thing about life,
13:21you know,
13:22you can be sailing along,
13:23happy,
13:23contented,
13:24thinking all your problems
13:25are solved
13:26and suddenly,
13:27bang.
13:33Oh,
13:33cheeky.
13:34bout yeah,
13:58letting you know.
14:06Sheila?
14:08Sheila, are you out of the bath yet?
14:11Sheila!
14:20Good evening.
14:21Good evening.
14:22Sir, just waiting for my wife to come out of the bath.
14:24A likely story.
14:28Sheila!
14:33Have a pleasant evening, sir.
14:39Ah, hello.
14:40Hello.
14:41Are you the switchboard operator?
14:42No, I'm the hotel housekeeper.
14:44Could you put me through to the lady at 317?
14:47I beg your pardon?
14:48Well, keep trying it.
14:49You know, she'd be in the bath.
14:51Ah!
14:52Oh, do all that and finish yet!
14:56Housekeeper.
15:03Hello.
15:04Ah, Sheila.
15:05Would you open the bedroom door?
15:06Where are you?
15:07I'm out in the corridor.
15:08What are you doing in the corridor?
15:09Never mind what I'm doing.
15:11Just open the bedroom door.
15:11Oh, I'll be right there.
15:15If you want any more towels, just room.
15:18Could I have a pillow for my bed?
15:19There should be one on the top shelf of the wardrobe.
15:24Peter?
15:26Peter?
15:28Peter?
15:30Peter?
15:31Peter?
15:33Housekeeper.
15:37Oh!
15:39Pete, take open up Unpretty Starkers out here.
15:41Peter!
15:42What are you doing out here?
15:43I'm looking for you.
15:45Well, you've found me.
15:45Now what?
15:47Oh, Christ.
15:48Do you think you can confine your intimacies to the inside of your own bedroom?
15:55Come on, hold on.
15:56You just locked the door.
15:57Sheila, Sheila, look.
15:58Hold on to this lock, will you?
15:59Yes, I do.
15:59That's right.
16:00Here you are.
16:01Understood.
16:01Excuse me.
16:02Excuse me.
16:02I don't need you here like you, darling.
16:04What's happening?
16:05Oh!
16:06Oh!
16:08I'm waiting for my husband.
16:11I say, Adam, you two have the most curious domestic habits.
16:21Yes, yes, I know you are shorthanded.
16:24That's all I've heard since I checked into this hotel.
16:27Well, look, he took my order at nine o'clock.
16:29It is now ten past ten.
16:31What rubbish.
16:32Yours is not a room service.
16:34It's a funeral service.
16:35What about my champagne?
16:37Well, what is he doing?
16:38Treading the grapes?
16:40Look, are you going to bring me some food or do I have to appeal to Oxfam?
16:44Well, let's look at his three-one-seven.
16:47You can't miss it.
16:48By the time you get here, I'll have a wreath pinned to the door.
16:51This is not a hotel.
16:53This is cell block nine.
16:55Nearly enough coat hangers in this wardrobe.
16:57I don't know why you bother.
16:58This whole trip has got a disaster written all over it.
17:01I hope you remember that it was your idea to come to this place.
17:04I can't understand it.
17:05It seemed a perfect paradise when we came on our honeymoon.
17:08It would do then.
17:09We were madly in love, weren't we?
17:11Well, aren't we madly in love now?
17:13Of course we are, darling.
17:15Of course we are.
17:16The only difference is that we don't have to keep the door locked now
17:18while we're trying to prove it, do we?
17:19That's true.
17:21Well, if we had a television set in the bedroom,
17:23you could be watching news at ten.
17:25Yeah.
17:26Not only that with what's happened tonight, I could be on it.
17:29Only the phantom of the room org has arrived.
17:33Cool.
17:33Where is he?
17:34Come in.
17:34Come in.
17:35Ah, thank you.
17:39Right.
17:41Right, sir, if you'll just sign the Jack and Jill.
17:44Yes, certainly.
17:49Ow!
17:53Incidentally, sir, I didn't bring you the beef bourguignon.
17:55Really, why not?
17:55I didn't fancy it.
17:57I suddenly remembered yesterday's lunch
17:59and realised the chef had made a hash of it.
18:02Anyway, I did manage to get you the ice bucket.
18:05Oh, well, that's something, anyway.
18:07Pity I couldn't get the champagne to go with it.
18:09Well, no champagne?
18:11Well, you can blame the head waiter for that.
18:12Well, hang on, I'll make a list, shall I?
18:14Trust him to go home with a wine store case in his pocket.
18:17Anyway, I pulled a few strings
18:18and I managed to get you two bottles of baby bubbly.
18:23Shouldn't have gone to all that trouble.
18:24We didn't want an orgy.
18:27Think nothing of it, sir?
18:28I don't.
18:30Right, sir, will that be all then?
18:32No, I want to know what's under this lid.
18:35Believe me, sir, that's the best I could do for you.
18:38It's not two tomato sandwiches, is it?
18:40I'm afraid not so.
18:41We've run out of bread.
18:44But not to worry, I twisted his arm
18:46and he's done you two tomato omelettes.
18:48He should have twisted his neck.
18:50Look, if I've got a manager on two tomato omelettes,
18:52I shall definitely complain to the manager.
18:54Well, I would eat them first, sir.
18:55One of them's his.
19:03These are plain omelettes, aren't they?
19:06Sir.
19:08Omelette, tomato, tomato omelette.
19:12Oh, don't let's argue, Pete.
19:14Let's eat.
19:15My stomach will fall off.
19:16Well, this is it, madam.
19:19Will that be all then, sir?
19:20Well, it'll have to be.
19:21You haven't brought anything else, have you?
19:23What's the matter?
19:23I've got a cough, have you?
19:24Cold?
19:26I did go to quite a bit of trouble, sir.
19:28In fact, as I was passing,
19:29I'll sneak you two portions of stewed prunes
19:32off the sweet trombone.
19:36So you did.
19:38Will that be all then, sir?
19:39No.
19:39On your way past, sneak them back again.
19:44Thank you and good night.
19:47Thanks very much.
19:52Well, are we bothering to sit down
19:53or shall we eat standing up?
19:55No, no, let's be civilised.
19:56You sit on the chair and I'll sit on the bed.
20:04At least it's something, I suppose.
20:06Right.
20:17Well, that certainly made it a night to remember.
20:19Well, what is it?
20:20They're sleeping on top of a ruddy discotheque.
20:23Oh.
20:25Why can they have to put us in here?
20:26Well, how do I know?
20:27Perhaps they think we're a couple of punk rockers.
20:30Told me about you wearing all that eye-makeup before, haven't I?
20:33Look, hello.
20:35Can you what?
20:35I certainly hope so.
20:37Look, is that your discotheque down there?
20:40It is.
20:41Well, I think you've put us in one of your loudspeakers.
20:44You what?
20:46Well, what time does it go on till?
20:48Oh, I see.
20:50She said it goes on till 3am, but go early.
20:53It gets full.
20:58Well, what are we going to do?
21:00You better find me a safety pin for me nose.
21:05No.
21:29Sheila.
21:30Sheila.
21:31Sir?
21:32Yes.
21:32I'm coming.
21:33I'm coming.
21:38Excuse me.
21:39Sorry.
21:39Sorry.
21:40Excuse me.
21:41Sorry.
21:41Sorry.
21:43Oh, sorry.
21:44I beg your pardon.
21:45Sorry.
21:46Sorry.
21:55Oh.
21:59I think you can stay awake long enough to check out.
22:03Sure.
22:04I've been awake all night.
22:05What's another five minutes going to do, eh?
22:07Well, I hope you tell them we ordered breakfast in bed and it never arrived.
22:10Oh, now I doubt.
22:11They might make us go back and wait for it.
22:13I couldn't stand the suspense.
22:16Oh.
22:18Small wonder.
22:20Oh.
22:21Oh.
22:22It's her again.
22:24Hotels are full of surprises.
22:26But if you notice, they always manage to save the biggest until last.
22:31And this is usually triggered off by the same phrase.
22:34Can I have my bill, please?
22:35Certainly, sir.
22:36Yeah.
22:40Thanks.
22:46That's right, sir.
22:47You've given me the wrong bill.
22:49Yeah, this is your account.
22:50So you were in room 317?
22:52Yes.
22:52I'm not likely to forget it.
22:54Yes, this is your bill.
22:55All right.
22:55So how will you be paying?
22:56Very grudgingly.
22:58Could you tell me just a minute?
22:59What are all these things down here?
23:01That's your accommodation with private bathroom.
23:03That's for room service, beverages, 15% service charge, VAT, and of course, that is the total,
23:09sir.
23:09Yes, but that can't be right, can it?
23:1138 pounds?
23:13Seems to be in order, sir.
23:14I don't think we've missed anything off.
23:16I'm sure you haven't added the date in there.
23:20Hmm?
23:22We don't make that kind of mistake here, sir.
23:26If you're paying in cash, I'll give you a receipt.
23:34Thank you very much, sir.
23:39Thank you, sir.
23:40It's been a pleasure having you.
23:41You've certainly been had all right.
23:44That's very kind of you, sir.
23:45Thank you very much.
23:54I've made a decision, Peter.
23:56I don't care if we did come here on our honeymoon.
23:59I never want to come to the Crichton Palace Hotel again.
24:02Huh?
24:02Where?
24:03The Crichton Palace Hotel.
24:05Oh, come on.
24:06Let's get out of here.
24:07This is the Crichton Court Hotel.
24:08Oh, come on.
24:11I'm getting so good.
24:12I'm getting so good.
24:17I'm getting so good.
24:19Yeah, I'm getting so good.
24:32Good job.
24:36Good job.
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