- 2 days ago
"Bank manager Belinda Braithwaite (Hannah Gordon) wants to retire, but her house husband David (Peter Egan), likes things the way they are, and doesn't want to go back to work. " IMDB Also starring John Bird, Lill Roughley, Ruth Mitchell, Richard Aylen.
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00:03.
00:32Look, they're going to take us
00:34home away. Go. Did you hear me?
00:36She shouldn't have signed the agreement.
00:38Six seconds. It's a bank.
00:40You ought to be able to trust a bank.
00:42That's a laugh. Twelve seconds.
00:43That's typical of people who work in banks.
00:45That is typical.
00:48Ta-da! Twenty seconds.
00:50It's too quick.
00:52It's supposed to be quick.
00:53If it took an hour, it wouldn't be much of a trick, would it?
00:56You said that you would do the cabaret
00:58for the Lions dinner. You need at least
01:00half an hour. Twenty seconds
01:02is probably too short.
01:04That's what you're trying to say.
01:05It's part of what I'm trying to say.
01:08And what's the rest? I'm still going to leave the bank.
01:11And you intend to convert me
01:12to your point of view? I do.
01:14You do realise what we'll be throwing away, don't you?
01:16Have you any idea how much
01:18the inventor of the hovercraft made?
01:20No. And what is more, neither do you.
01:23Well,
01:24I'm going to hit the jackpot one of these days,
01:26but not if I have to go and be a bus conductor.
01:28I'm not talking about... Sit down.
01:32You wish to leave the bank, we shall therefore examine
01:35the financial implications of such a move.
01:37I know we'll be worse off.
01:39Do you mind? I still have the floor.
01:41Worse off?
01:42We'll be on the skid row.
01:43And do you know why?
01:44I think you're going to tell me, are you not?
01:46We won't have any money.
01:48You'll have to get a job.
01:49Doing what?
01:50Any job I could do would pay about a shilling a week.
01:52We could sell the house.
01:53And live in the car.
01:55Great idea.
01:57Look.
01:59Keys.
02:11Good morning, dear boy.
02:13Hello, Charles.
02:16Well, you look like the wreck of the Hesperus.
02:18Belinda wants to sell the house.
02:20Well, get a solicitor.
02:22Note, I do not say get a good solicitor.
02:25Get the nearest scheming swine you can lay your hands on.
02:30I'll give you my brother's phone number.
02:33We're not getting divorced, Charles.
02:35She wants to sell the house and leave the bank.
02:37Where are we going to live?
02:39Tell you what, old boy.
02:40Nip down to the CAB.
02:42Have a word with one of their people.
02:45Charles, this is the CAB.
02:48Good God, it's in.
02:50What was today, then?
02:52Your day for giving the citizens advice, Charles.
02:54Meet your first customer.
02:56Oh, yes?
02:56Who's that?
02:58Me.
02:59What?
03:01Customers are rows of figures in black and white.
03:05I wish we still used red.
03:07It's very satisfying, red.
03:10Well, if you insist on treating customers as people,
03:13it's your own fault if they come back and cause trouble.
03:16Who have you upset today?
03:17Well, somebody's bounced one of the vicar's checks.
03:20He always assumes it's me.
03:21It is always you.
03:22Yes, but how does he know?
03:24Maybe God tells him.
03:27I try to like you, you know.
03:28I do, but I can't.
03:31You don't like having a woman for a boss.
03:33That's what you don't like.
03:34Have you bounced another of the vicar's checks?
03:36The trouble is, it's my turn to read the lesson on Sunday.
03:40I know what he'll do.
03:40He'll pick one of those chapters with all those Moabs and Camelites and Sirenes in it.
03:45I look silly.
03:47It looked like Passion Sunday, didn't it then?
03:49Don't worry.
03:50I'll settle him down.
03:51Belinda Breathwit.
03:52Oh, God.
03:54Passion Sunday.
03:55What?
03:56I wasn't talking to you.
03:58Good.
03:59Yes, of course.
04:00Uh, no, thank you for letting me know, Mr Pollard.
04:03Ha.
04:04Crust wire, obviously.
04:06Bye.
04:09David rang the estate agent.
04:12He's put the house on the market.
04:15Is that the best you can do?
04:16The roof is going to be wrenched from over my head and you stand there nodding at me.
04:20Well, he's backing you into a corner.
04:22Men are very cunning, you know.
04:24Is that why you never married?
04:26Mostly they've all been too cunning to ask me.
04:29What am I going to do about this damned house?
04:32What am I going to do about this damned house?
04:34Well, talk to your wife.
04:35I talk to her all the time.
04:37She still does what she wants to do.
04:38Well, wait till she tells you what she's going to do.
04:41That's defeatist, Charles.
04:42I put the house on the market.
04:44So did Belinda.
04:45She wasn't bluffing.
04:47She's going to leave the bank and I can't stop her.
04:49I finally discovered my role in life.
04:52What's that?
04:53Victim.
04:57How much is gin, did you say?
04:59Oh, about eight quid a bottle.
05:01Oh.
05:02Oh, well.
05:02Cheer up.
05:03Won't be that bad.
05:05A few minor economies.
05:06Pouring about a quid's worth of gin back into the bottle is not going to transform our finances.
05:11Oh, well, in that case.
05:17You rang the estate agent then?
05:20So did you.
05:23What's for dinner?
05:24Walton pie.
05:26I found my mother's wartime recipe book.
05:29You're a trier.
05:31I'll give you that.
05:33Oh, what's in that?
05:35It smells distinctly...
05:37Fishy.
05:38Jelly meat whiskers and three-minute rice.
05:42It's less of a pie than a gesture, I'm afraid.
05:45You know, I'm beginning to remember why I married you.
05:48Oh?
05:49You make me smile in times of stress.
05:52Indian or Chinese?
05:54Indian.
05:55Uh, chicken vindaloo, basmati rice, onion bhaji,
06:01takadal onion raita.
06:03Oh, you're a damn good guesser.
06:05I'm beginning to remember why I married you.
06:07Oh.
06:08You're always used to night dressing for another farm.
06:11I did not, you dirty devil.
06:13I'm sorry.
06:15I wasn't talking to you, Mr.
06:17Ah!
06:19Mrs. Braithwaite, two portions of the usual, please.
06:48That's him.
06:49He's in the lions.
06:51Why is he shaking his head?
06:53He's an estate agent.
06:54They practice shaking their heads for ten minutes every morning.
06:57One of their selling houses, surely.
06:59No, that's 20 minutes on the knees, smiling.
07:19Morning.
07:21Morning.
07:22Pollard.
07:22Braithwaite.
07:24How do you do?
07:25Fine.
07:28Come in.
07:29Come in.
07:29Thank you, but I'd sooner circumnavigate first, if you don't mind.
07:33Feel free.
07:37The outside of a property is very revealing, Mr. Braithwaite.
07:42Um, the water bounces back, you see, and the wall gets wet.
07:51There we are.
07:54Oh, this is my wife, also known as Mrs. Braithwaite.
07:57Uh, hello.
07:58Hello.
07:58I take no notice of him.
08:00I'm not.
08:02Ooh.
08:04So, how much do you think it's worth, then?
08:05I don't know.
08:07Three hundred, three hundred and fifty?
08:09What?
08:10I'm not an expert, of course.
08:11Three hundred and fifty thousand?
08:13You're right.
08:13Leave the bank.
08:14We'll emigrate.
08:15I think he's talking about the painting.
08:17Three hundred and fifty pounds.
08:18Ah.
08:19So, if I could perhaps have a swift blimp at the rest of the ancestral menage?
08:24The what?
08:25The house.
08:26The domain.
08:27Chateau Braithwaite.
08:28Chateau Braithwaite.
08:29Fine.
08:31Ooh.
08:32What?
08:33Who did your plastering?
08:35The plumber?
08:37You should have gone a plasterer.
08:39Er, coffee.
08:41Ooh, thanks.
08:42Warm, wet and white, please.
08:44No sugar.
08:45I'll, er, take the grand tour of my own, if I may.
08:48Don't worry, I won't steal anything.
08:50If you find anything worth stealing, bring it down.
08:52We'll split it with you.
08:54Oh, yes, I see what you mean.
08:56Very wise.
08:57Locked it all away, have you?
09:00Sound thinking.
09:04Do you suppose there's a place where they learn to be like that?
09:07Oh, don't be too hard on him.
09:08How would you like a job that had you going around telling people they got rising damp?
09:11Rising damp?
09:13We haven't got rising damp, have we?
09:14Well, I haven't.
09:15I don't know about you.
09:16Go and tell Rumpelstiltskin the coffee's ready.
09:18I want to ring Jess.
09:19Yes, master.
09:20I'll get the coffin ready.
09:22The sun is rising.
09:25The coffee's ready when you are.
09:30It's a wall.
09:32I've been there for ages, can't do a thing about it.
09:35A wall?
09:37Jess, it's Belinda.
09:39I'll be about half an hour.
09:41The estate agent is here.
09:43Right.
09:45A wall.
09:49I'm sorry if I'm a bit po-faced.
09:51That's all right, you're an estate agent.
09:52Yeah, you did.
09:54I mean, well, not that you're bound to be po-faced.
09:57Well, not that you are.
09:58No.
09:58I am, though.
09:59We go on courses and it's drummed into us.
10:01Why?
10:02We're not supposed to get to like the clients.
10:05Well, if we get to like people, it's difficult if, um...
10:09If what?
10:09If there's a conflict of interests.
10:12Oh, I see.
10:13If you want to cheat someone.
10:17Oh, wait.
10:18I mean, well, I bet you're not one of nature's estate agents, are you, Mr P?
10:22Always wanted to be an airline pilot, bullfighter, I expect.
10:25No, I always wanted to be an estate agent.
10:29You are married, I take it?
10:30Yes.
10:31Would you like to see the certificate or will the scars be enough?
10:35People sometimes pretend to be married.
10:37Er, masochists.
10:40I just wondered if you were getting divorced.
10:42Er, no.
10:43Well, I mean, I'm not.
10:44Are you?
10:46Er, no.
10:48A joke.
10:49Oh, funny.
10:51You see, divorce leads to division.
10:54Divorce is division, Mr Pollard.
10:56There was a fiddle where people, er, got divorced to claim two lots of tax relief.
11:01That sounds interesting.
11:03Unfortunately, the Chancellor of the Exchequer kicked it in the ear.
11:06Er, and in any case, both parties had to be paying tax.
11:12So, how much do you think the house is worth, then?
11:14Well, I'll have to check with the office, look at a few comparable properties, see which
11:18way the land lies, then I'll give you a bell.
11:21Sort out your high and low figures.
11:24Good.
11:25Oh, er, one of those fake divorces I was talking about turned into the real thing, you know.
11:31Caged door open, I suppose.
11:33Man took wing.
11:34Oddly enough, it was a woman.
11:38How extraordinary.
11:40Oh, er, speaking of wings, you've got bats living in your roof.
11:44Bats?
11:45As in Dracula?
11:46Well, sort of.
11:47Bats, anyway.
11:49Right.
11:50I'll get on to Man to Kill.
11:51Oh, I'm afraid not.
11:52Well, who do you recommend?
11:53Well, it's not that easy, I'm afraid.
11:55They're a protected species.
11:57I'll let myself out.
12:02Bats, in the belfry.
12:05It'll save insulating the loft, I suppose.
12:29Bats.
12:30I was looking for bats.
12:51Bats.
13:05Just a casual remark, as you're showing them around.
13:08By the way, you say casually, I hope you're fond of bats, because we've got a roof full.
13:14I'm supposed to be trying to sell this house.
13:17But you don't want to, do you?
13:19I mean, honestly, Charles, would you, if you really wanted to sell your house, tell people
13:22it was full of bats?
13:24Well, all's fair in love and war.
13:26I know that, Charles.
13:27You know that.
13:27But Belinda's a little iffy about meaningless quotations.
13:30Anyway, I don't want another punch in the stomach.
13:33Punch in the stomach?
13:35Why are you writing that down, Charles?
13:37Oh, it's force of habit.
13:39I keep thinking it's a divorce case.
13:42The slightest sign of me not wanting to sell this house, and Belinda will be up my nose
13:46like a Vic inhaler.
13:49Look, are you on friendly terms with your next-door neighbours?
13:52Charles, this is not a divorce case.
13:54No, no, no, no.
13:54Look, while the prospective purchasers are looking round the house, get the next-door neighbours
14:01to come in and make a nuisance of themselves.
14:04Simple.
14:05It's perfect.
14:06I can blame someone else.
14:08The ideal solution to all male problems.
14:11Have I just arrived, or am I just going?
14:14You're going, Charles.
14:15Come in.
14:18You see, if I say I don't want to sell the house, my threat to leave work will be seen
14:22for...
14:23What it is, an empty threat.
14:26Try to remember from time to time that you are a mere employee, and I am the bank manager.
14:31And also, try not to be so damn right all the time.
14:34Sign this.
14:36You've already got a loan.
14:37I'm having some building work done.
14:39I'm having me bus lifted and me nose moved.
14:42What?
14:44Kitchen alterations.
14:46You had the kitchen altered last year.
14:48Well, I've changed my mind.
14:49I'm having it altered back again.
14:51And the sales start on Wednesday.
14:53Lisa, what are you, my mother?
14:55Look, if you get too far into death, I shall send Ned round to repossess your underwear.
15:00Mmm!
15:03What's that?
15:04Ah, the vicar's revenge.
15:07Brought in the collection, asked me to count it.
15:09You're the one who balanced his cheque.
15:12Just because he's a vicar, you know, they're not infallible.
15:14That's Pope's.
15:15I think that's articles of religious dogma, Ned.
15:18I don't think it extends to current accounts.
15:21It's for you, Mr Pollard.
15:23Er, Pollard, all right.
15:28Hello, Mr Pollard.
15:31Er, oh.
15:33Yes, I suppose so.
15:35This evening?
15:37Fine.
15:39Are you sure this stuff costs eight pounds a bottle?
15:42I'll give or take.
15:43It's worth it.
15:46Aren't you going to have one?
15:48Uh-uh.
15:49Trying to put me to shame?
15:50I had two before you came in.
15:54Well, everything is ship shape, I suppose.
15:58I've ironed the cat.
15:59I've starched the bodgie.
16:00All you've got to do is straighten your seams, comb your hair and look as though you want to sell
16:04a house.
16:05Ha-ha-ha.
16:06Right.
16:15Hello, Lou.
16:16Plan B, okay?
16:18Stand by to repel buyers.
16:20Half an hour.
16:21Bye.
16:24Who was that?
16:26Er, wrong number.
16:28I didn't hear the phone ring.
16:29I told you it was a wrong number.
16:34You're a rotten liar, Braithwaite.
16:36But a nice man.
16:38I know you.
16:39You're up to something.
16:40Nonsense.
16:44We're busy at the moment, Louise.
16:47Something I can help you with, Lou.
16:50I wonder if you can come and have a look at my downspout.
16:57You can't possibly pass up an invitation like that.
17:02No, I...
17:03Fine, fine.
17:05Hair.
17:06Selling.
17:07Seems right.
17:11What's wrong with your downspout?
17:14Nothing.
17:27I say.
17:29Yes?
17:31Pallard.
17:35Estate agent.
17:39Race.
17:41Banker.
17:42I've got a house, thank you.
17:44Of course you have, Mr Race.
17:46You are a little early, though.
17:50Look, how could you forget?
17:52Just come in in about half an hour and make yourself very objectionable.
17:55The kind of person nobody would want to live next door to, right?
17:59Right.
18:03David.
18:03David.
18:04Look.
18:04Listen, I have a feeling that you ought to...
18:06I remember why we silenced that.
18:08What were you going to say?
18:10Er, look, it can't be them yet.
18:12I'll see you in a minute, all right?
18:17Hello there.
18:18You're the clerk from the bank, aren't you?
18:20Under-manager, to be precise.
18:23What are you doing with him here, then?
18:25Um, just a moment.
18:28Clark, you ought to get a card.
18:31See?
18:32You don't have to show people a card to prove you're an estate agent.
18:35I've only got to look at you.
18:37It's that clown from the bank.
18:39Which particular one?
18:40We have a selection.
18:42Look.
18:47It's got to be a coincidence.
18:51Hello, Ned.
18:52Miss Pollard.
18:53Hello, Mrs. Braithwaite.
18:54Jessica asked me to pop round with this.
18:56As I was coming this way, I said I would.
18:58I'm never going to do it again, though.
19:00He called me a clerk and shut the door in my face.
19:04You haven't come to buy the house, then?
19:06Oh.
19:09Are you leaving the bank?
19:12When you go, can I have your letter opener, the one which says manager on it?
19:16Thank you for the briefcase.
19:18Goodbye, Ned.
19:23Hello.
19:24May I come in?
19:25Yes.
19:29The psychology of selling a house has everything to do with the aura which surrounds it.
19:34This house has a very definite aura.
19:36I can almost smell it.
19:38Bleach.
19:41I beg your pardon?
19:41I put bleach down all the loos.
19:44Gets rid of unsightly limescale.
19:47I always try to match the client with the house.
19:50How many clients have you had so far for this one?
19:53Unless I'm sure there's a chance of a good match, I don't even offer the property.
19:57The people that are coming here this evening match this house to a tea.
20:01Can I offer you a drink?
20:02Gin?
20:03Sherry?
20:04Coffee.
20:06Tea?
20:06No, thank you.
20:07We don't approve of stimulants.
20:10But don't let us stop you.
20:11Live and let live.
20:15Well, perhaps you'd like to see the house.
20:17Take the grand tour.
20:19It is why we came, after all.
20:21Oh, you.
20:23He's always making little jokes.
20:25He ought to be on the stage.
20:27Now, you know my feelings about that.
20:29A man should go to work.
20:32So, glad to come this way.
20:35I did all the decorating myself.
20:37Yes.
20:40Yes.
20:41Well, there's nothing that can't be altered.
20:44It's a very happy house.
20:46Is it?
20:47Yes, it is.
20:48Yes, we brought our children up in this house.
20:51The rooms were always ringing with laughter.
20:53They've left home now, have they?
20:55They've gone to university.
20:57Oh.
20:57Why?
20:58Universities are hotbeds of vice these days, I understand.
21:02Vote.
21:02Sex.
21:03Writing.
21:05Yes.
21:06Yes.
21:07Do you want to look at this house?
21:09Well, it is why they came, after all.
21:27We'll let you know.
21:28Fine.
21:30They'll let us know.
21:32We look forward to it.
21:36David!
21:39Go away, Louise.
21:41What?
21:42I said go away.
21:44Oh.
21:46It's me.
21:47It's you I was saying go away to.
21:50Where were you when we needed you?
21:51When was this?
21:52Last night.
21:54Oh, Desmond won the monthly medal.
21:56He was so pleased he wanted to celebrate.
21:58Ah.
21:59Wanted to make mad, passionate love, did he?
22:01Well, he might have done, but he wasn't in his own car.
22:06What?
22:08Well, David Thomas gave him a lift to the club,
22:10so we had to come home with him.
22:11What did you want me for last night?
22:13To come in and be an horrendous neighbour, if needed.
22:17Look, they may come back.
22:18Now, if you see two people who look like two people
22:21that I would never want to sell this house to,
22:23come in and be as obnoxious as you know how.
22:25Right.
22:27How will I know they're people you don't want to sell the house to?
22:31They'll be walking with their feet very near to the ground.
22:34Right.
22:36What?
22:36Where's my watch?
22:38It's on the dressing table.
22:44Why did Louise go?
22:45How did you know Louise was here?
22:48I saw her come in.
22:49I was in the back bedroom.
22:51Are you having an affair with Louise?
22:52Oh, I am not.
22:53Don't be ridiculous.
22:54Because if you do have an affair with somebody,
22:56it's got to be somebody that I know, all right?
22:58Why?
22:58Because I never get more than half the story from you about anything.
23:02Well, if I did have an affair with anyone,
23:04the last person I'd talk to about it with is you.
23:07I thought we agreed never to have any secrets from each other.
23:11Hi.
23:13Hi.
23:16What do you want, Louise?
23:19Some people have just driven up.
23:22They are walking with their feet very near the ground.
23:25I've got to go now.
23:27Bye.
23:29I've just changed my mind about your affair.
23:32Okay.
23:32Yes, you can have an affair with anybody except Louise.
23:38Now?
23:39Can I do it now?
23:40No, in a minute.
23:42Come in.
23:45Mr and Mrs Slipping have come back.
23:50We'll meet your price.
23:51I told them, you see.
23:53Bound and duty is an estate agent and a man of honour.
23:56We're friends of the earth.
23:57You told us about the bats, don't you see?
23:59How this place must be blessed.
24:01One of the shyest and most timid of God's creatures has chosen to live here.
24:05I think there's more than one, actually.
24:07They go around in small gangs.
24:09When can we exchange contracts?
24:13Well, sooner the better, I would have thought.
24:16Would you?
24:16Well, can we at least shake hands?
24:18Certainly.
24:20Oh, not me.
24:22Right.
24:23For the last time, and I'm not going to say this again, will you stop the smell from your
24:28lawn drifting across the fence?
24:31It's making me feel nauseous.
24:33I'm not going to go away.
24:34I'm not.
24:35Not till you concrete over the whole backyard.
24:38Oh, I'm sorry.
24:39I didn't know you had company.
24:43This is our next-door neighbour.
24:45She's allergic to vegetation.
24:47Louise!
24:48Yes?
24:49No.
24:50What?
24:51It's Louise Belling from Keele, remember?
24:53We were at uni together, weren't we, Louise?
24:56Pam?
24:57Pam Stewart?
25:00Netta Miller told me you married a spotty Herbert and went to live in Malawi.
25:04Come back.
25:06Well, this makes it absolutely definite.
25:08When can we move in?
25:11Well, we've got a couple of spare rooms.
25:13Why don't you all move in tonight?
25:20At least it knocked you off the fence.
25:22What fence?
25:23You don't want to sell the house?
25:24Nor do you.
25:25You backed me into a corner.
25:27Rubbish.
25:29Oh, my God.
25:31What?
25:32Nothing.
25:34Found another wrinkle?
25:35As a matter of fact, yes.
25:37As a result of this evening.
25:40Let me see.
25:44Oh.
25:45Well, you've had that one for about two months.
25:48Have I?
25:48Mm.
25:51Looks deeper to me.
25:53Oh, definitely a two-month-old wrinkle.
25:55Well, I remember it distinctly.
25:57It was the day that England lost to, um, somebody or something.
26:04What are we going to do about the damn house?
26:08Well, tell them they can't have it.
26:09We don't have to sell.
26:11Does that mean you're not going to leave the bank?
26:13No.
26:14It means that you're going to try even harder to get a good job, one that suits your distinctive blend
26:21of talent and charm.
26:23Well, I wonder how much an estate agent makes.
26:26That looks easy enough.
26:32What are you looking at?
26:34Well, I was just wondering how many bats there are up there.
26:39Well, nobody's going to buy them.
26:42How are we going to get rid of the slippings?
26:46I've invited them to apply for a mortgage.
26:49Oh, you're very good, Belle.
26:51Then I'll get Ned to say that the bank doesn't want to lend any money on a property with a
26:55roof full of assorted livestock.
26:59I don't stand a chance, do I?
27:01Against a brain like yours?
27:03Well, no, for your own good, you know.
27:05Yeah, so is getting your teeth filled.
27:08You'll love it when you get back to work.
27:10No, I won't.
27:16Where have you disappeared to now?
27:20I was just thinking, if it's all the same bats who live up there, what do they have friends in,
27:27or...?
27:30Or what?
27:32Well, I don't mind the idea of our own bats, but if we're going to become just a sort of,
27:39uh...
27:40Bat hotel?
27:41Yes.
27:43You couldn't do anything about it, though.
27:45Oh, I don't know.
27:46A sort of, um, a device over the hole?
27:50Or a bat flap.
27:53You're right, I'm insane.
27:55It's the spirit of the inventor.
27:57Invent or die.
28:03What am I going to do about the damn cabaret?
28:07We could do a live sex show.
28:11It's got to last half an hour.
28:13LAUGHTER
28:16Put the light out.
28:21Practice makes perfect.
28:24APPLAUSE
28:25And then, of course, the other day...
28:40And then, of course, the other day...
28:41And then, of course, the other day...
28:42And then, of course, the other day...
28:42And then, of course, the other day...
28:43And then, of course, the other day...
28:43And then, of course, the other day...
28:46And then, of course, the other day...
28:47And then, of course, the other day...
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