- 17 minutes ago
"A worried Sheila tells Peter that he should go for a full medical check-up, an annoying patient points him in the direction of the reception window, and the doctor complains when he finds the wrong man in front of him." IMDB Starring David Jason, Jacqueline Clarke, Richard Wilson, Alun Armstrong
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TVTranscript
00:00.
00:43If it's going to be one of those days, it usually starts at breakfast.
00:49You get a few early warnings, of course, like you can't find a clean vest
00:52or your last razor blade's got enough ridges in it to comb a shaggy doll.
00:56But it's as you come downstairs to the smell of burning toast.
01:01That's when you begin to realise that the world has got it in for you.
01:10Scrambled eggs on the table, Peter.
01:12Yes, yes, coming.
01:26I don't think I'll bother with breakfast this morning, darling.
01:28Just manage with a cup of tea.
01:33There's something wrong, isn't there?
01:35Yeah, there's no sugar in it.
01:37It's not like you to go without your breakfast.
01:38Do you have your food?
01:39No, not really.
01:40Not your usual perky self, though, are you?
01:42Darling, I'm drinking a cup of tea.
01:44You can't expect me to do handstands and back flips.
01:46How perky your morning is.
01:47What are you saying?
01:48That you're a bit of colour.
01:49If a man's not up to the mark, his wife's usually the first to notice.
01:52Oh, yes, go on, then.
01:53What have you noticed?
01:53What have you noticed?
01:54No, well, little things.
01:56The way you come home and slump into a chair and I can't get two words out of you.
02:00You're getting very restless in bed.
02:02Why?
02:03You didn't know that you started snoring.
02:05No, I didn't know.
02:06It doesn't count for all those bruises down my left-hand side.
02:09It shams your elbow.
02:10Peter, look at me.
02:11I'm looking.
02:12Look at me.
02:13What?
02:13What is it?
02:13What's the matter?
02:17What?
02:18What is it?
02:20What are you doing?
02:21Well, you still have that pink haze around your cheekbones that I noticed the other day.
02:26That could be high blood pressure.
02:27Have you got a headache?
02:28No, but I soon will have.
02:29Sheila, would you sit down and stop worrying?
02:31There is nothing wrong with me.
02:33Just under a bit of pressure at work, that's all.
02:35The boss has been giving me a hard time, but please put your mind at rest.
02:38There's nothing wrong with me that can't be cured by him falling down a lift shaft.
02:42Lift shaft, lift shaft.
02:44That's how they all go, isn't it?
02:45Hmm?
02:46That's how they all go.
02:47They worry at work, then they come home, take it out on the wife,
02:49and the next thing, they're flat on their backs in the intensive care unit.
02:52Well, I don't want to be a widow at 40, even if you do.
02:55Don't.
02:55Is the matter with you this morning?
02:57Have you been watching General Hospital with the lights off again?
03:00You're at a very vulnerable age, Peter.
03:04And I don't like the way you keep locking yourself in the bathroom
03:06and coming out with no sense of achievement.
03:10Why are you sweating?
03:11I am not surprised, darling.
03:13Look, I am not ill.
03:15I'm perfectly all right.
03:17I've never had a day off work in my life, have I?
03:19Perhaps it's about time you started.
03:21Why don't you lot have a medical check-up?
03:22I don't need one, do I?
03:24I keep myself in condition, don't I?
03:26I mean, don't forget that you are talking to the man
03:27who was the runner-up in the 1969 Mr Universe competition.
03:31Butlin, semi-finals.
03:33Doesn't that count for something?
03:35Not a lot.
03:35As I remember, there were only two of you in it.
03:38There was not.
03:38But it's not just that, Peter.
03:41You've become very moody and very distant.
03:44Time was when you used to give me a long, lingering kiss
03:46before you dashed off to the station.
03:48Yes, time was when I used to chase you back upstairs again.
03:51Not that late train on the edge, isn't it?
03:54Peter.
03:55Yes?
03:56You love me.
03:57Yes, of course.
03:57I love you, darling.
03:58Yes, but I have only got a minute left.
04:00Will you do something to make me very, very happy?
04:03There's no way that I can eat that scrambled egg.
04:05I'm sorry, darling.
04:07I want you to call and see Dr McBurney.
04:09Why?
04:09Is he not well?
04:11I want him to examine you.
04:14Darling, there is nothing wrong with me.
04:16I'm as fit as a fiddle, aren't I?
04:18Hey, look, look, come on, feel that.
04:19Now, feel that.
04:20Go on, feel it.
04:22Ow, don't scream.
04:23Feel, I said.
04:25Look, if I go to Dr McBurney's surgery
04:26and take off my shirt,
04:27you'll think that I'm on an ego trip, won't you?
04:29Peter.
04:30What?
04:30Please.
04:31I want you to have a thorough check-up.
04:33I know you've really got me worried.
04:35All right, I'll go sometime.
04:39I want you to go this morning.
04:40This morning?
04:40That's no good putting off the evil.
04:42Look.
04:42I'll get you a medical card.
04:44He may ask you for your number.
04:45Does this happen to you?
04:46Is it just me?
04:47Listen, darling, I will go on the way home from work.
04:51I mustn't be late this morning.
04:52I've got a mountain of work to get through.
04:54Go now.
04:55You'll be in and out in five minutes.
04:58Hmm.
04:58Five minutes?
05:00Five minutes?
05:01Have you been to the doctors lately?
05:04It's not quite like the old days.
05:06They now have what is called a group practice.
05:09Now, this is a system under which you can be seen by any doctor,
05:13other than the one you'd actually like to see.
05:16If the idea is to speed the flow of patients,
05:19it's still going through its teething troubles.
05:37Oh, my darling, sorry.
05:40Sorry.
05:45Sorry.
05:47Sorry.
05:56sorry did you bring a packed lunch sorry no i should run home for one it's not a surgery this
06:05it's a siege slow going is it you're joking i've been sat here long enough to forget where i'm
06:12suffering from talk about the legion of the lost you don't need a waiting room here you need bed
06:19and breakfast well i do hope they hurry up because i've really got to get to work you know the
06:23trouble
06:23with these doctors don't you no it's a snooker set beg your pardon sorry snooker set it's like
06:30the league of nations through there oh there's one of two of them can't even speak english you've got
06:35saying 99 through an interpreter that's absurd i mean how do they manage to carry on in swahili i
06:42think i know this much it's goose pimple time when they're jabbering away with sign language trying
06:48to get you to strip off feel like you're having a medical for the mau mau it won't affect me
06:54because
06:55i'm going to see dr mcburney you're not are you yeah he's our doctor will he be treating you yeah
07:05i wouldn't let him treat me to a licorice also my wife swears by him why he's mustard he's the
07:12fellow that did me out of a week off work last winter i come in with this stiff neck oh
07:17shocking
07:17it was pain up here what happened he cured it you have no chance with him pa he'll fob you
07:25off with
07:25anything before he give you a sick note yeah well what's up anyway is it uh the old ticker no
07:32i think
07:32it's working oh that's what do you mean hard no no no i'm as fit as a fiddle you don't
07:38look it
07:41i thought when you sat down i thought i hope this bloke's going through it
07:44no but actually there is nothing wrong shut up a minute shut up number five please number five
07:51is that all they're up to it's another 13 to go before it's my turn do you know you could
07:57come
07:57in here with nappy rash and leave with a beard excuse me uh my leg i don't want to um
08:06don't want to
08:07worry but could you tell me do i have to have one of those little round discs you won't get
08:11far without
08:11one how did you do that oh i'm sorry sorry i can see i'm gonna have to mark your card
08:19sunshine
08:21have you seen the receptionist no what's she like not your type but you need to let her know
08:26you're here otherwise tomorrow morning you'll get swept up by the cleaners
08:33come on don't present yourself at that window
08:37Oh.
08:38Oh!
08:42Sorry, sorry.
08:44Behind your legs.
08:46I'm sorry, sorry.
08:58Sorry, sorry.
08:58I'm sorry.
08:59I'm sorry.
09:01No.
09:02Hey.
09:13Yes, can I help you come to be I beg your pardon. I want to be examined. I'm sorry. I
09:21can't hear you
09:25You sound as though you have a throat infection
09:28Well, don't give it to me. I don't want it. I want to see the doctor. I thought you might.
09:34What name?
09:36McBurney
09:38What address? Do you mean home address? Yes. Sorry. I have no idea
09:42You mean you don't know where you live. Yes, I know where I live. I thought you meant dr. McBurney
09:46No, I'm not but he works here though doesn't he? I know he does
09:53What about you? No, I don't work here
09:57I wasn't suggesting you did now. Would you tell me who you are? Ah, yes, Barnes. My name is Barnes.
10:02Peter Barnes
10:02Peter Barnes
10:02Are you registered as a patient with dr. McBurney?
10:08Um, well, it doesn't matter if I'm not. I mean, I have my business with pleasure
10:16Do you know if you're on his books? No, no, but I know that my wife is
10:20I'm afraid that doesn't mean very much to me
10:23Oh, it does to her. She thinks the sun shines out of his death escape
10:29Mr. Barnes
10:30Yes? I don't say it's by any chance that you remember to bring your medical card. Ah, now there I
10:34shall surprise you
10:35Oh
10:40Do know that I have got that because I left it on the kitchen table and have to go back
10:43for it
10:46What is this? Well, that's the, oh
10:48That's, um, a medical card
10:52I think you'll find it's a ticket for your shoe repairs
10:54How much?
10:56Cobblers, yes, my cobblers
10:58I've been looking everywhere for that actually
11:00I'm glad you've found it for me
11:01I think, ah, I think I've got it
11:04I'm sure you've got it. The question is, can we cure it?
11:09Please wait a moment
11:10The thing is, I want to be
11:19I don't understand
11:32Can you please not do that again?
11:35I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it was a complete accident
11:36I just went to...
11:37You apparently are registered with Dr. McBurney, but as he's very busy this morning,
11:40I think you may have to be examined by one of the other doctors.
11:43That's not fair.
11:44No, maybe not, but they'll have to put up with you.
11:48Now, would you please take that, sit down, and wait your turn.
11:5261? That's rather a high number, isn't it?
11:54It is, if you look at it like that.
11:56If you turn it round, you'll see your number 19.
12:00I wonder, could you tell me how long I may possibly have to wait?
12:03As long as it takes to get through those before you.
12:05Oh, yes, but you see, the thing is that I'm a bit...
12:11Uh, uh, my molly.
12:23Excuse me.
12:26Well, my they send in it.
12:29Excuse me, I just remembered I left my briefcase.
12:31Ow! Ow!
12:35Ah!
12:36Oh, yes!
12:38Oh, yes!
13:06Do you want this Radio Times?
13:12No thanks, I've read that cover to cover.
13:14I've also read two auto cars, three Reader's Digest and the whole of Woman's Weekly World.
13:21I think they get these papers out of the back of a fish and chip shop.
13:24Look at this. England trounce Hungary, 5-0.
13:29If you came here often enough you could get an O-level in history.
13:34My bottle skinned me alive.
13:36Oh?
13:40Where you working then?
13:42Stavely and Hunters.
13:45No wonder you've come to the doctors.
13:47Isn't that where they've got the Gestapo for middle management?
13:51Go on, don't kid me. That's where they keep speeding up the assembly line.
13:54You make fridges, don't you?
13:56Oh, that's right.
13:57If somebody sneezes, four go through without doors.
14:01Well, you want to watch them, mate.
14:03Do you know I can tell by them rings under your eyes.
14:05You're not going to be with us this time next year.
14:08Look, do you mind? There is nothing wrong with me.
14:10I'm as fit as a fiddle. I keep myself in trim.
14:12I wouldn't be here now if I hadn't been for my wife making such a song and dance this morning.
14:16Well, you can't blame her, can you?
14:18They're dropping off like flies at your place.
14:20It don't give you any warning, you know.
14:22Look, a bloke round the corner from us is only about your age.
14:27Physical culture mad he was.
14:29Comes home from a game of squash.
14:31Has a bath.
14:32Switches the telly on to watch Opportunity Knocks.
14:34He went, just like that.
14:37Right in the middle of make your mind up time.
14:41Listen, listen.
14:43I wasn't going to mention it, but since you go on so much, I don't think that you look too
14:48well either.
14:49I only hope the doctor agrees with you.
14:52Because without a sick note, I'm never going to make that UFO cup match on Wednesday.
14:55Number 18.
14:56That's me, here we go.
14:57Number 18 for Dr McBurney.
15:01McBurney?
15:02Oh, no, not him.
15:03He only knows one cure.
15:05Deep breaths and exercise.
15:07Trouble is, he's still trying to find a disease for it.
15:10Just a minute.
15:11Here, just a minute.
15:12Why don't I take your turn and you take mine?
15:14Are you sure?
15:15Yeah.
15:18We'll have to swap discs.
15:20What discs?
15:21Yeah, all right.
15:22You're a hero.
15:23Thanks, pal.
15:24Hey, I'll do the same for you someday.
15:26Don't worry.
15:28Come in.
15:31Do sit down.
15:32I won't keep you a moment.
15:35I've just got to clear up this paperwork.
15:38It's becoming quite farcical, you know.
15:41Do you realise if I was to examine you and diagnose a suspected case of typhoid, I'd have to fill
15:51in a six page form, write four letters and do a full report and triplicate.
15:55Yeah.
15:56Yeah, if you were to drop down dead, it would only take a couple of lines and a signature.
16:01No, I didn't realise that, actually.
16:03Yes, it's becoming ludicrous.
16:04It's all the incentive away.
16:07Mr. Clegg, isn't it?
16:08Uh, no.
16:09It's Barnes, actually.
16:09Peter Barnes.
16:10Really?
16:13Yes, Doctor?
16:14Mrs. Gifford, you've made another boo-boo.
16:17I find myself confronted by Mr. Clegg's medical history and Mr. Barnes' body.
16:23Pathologically, this is not the best arrangement.
16:29That should get our feathers ruffled.
16:31Yes, actually, Doctor, I think that I can explain this.
16:33No, don't worry, Mr. Barnes.
16:35Between you and me, you would like to pull Mrs. Gifford's leg from time to time.
16:39It keeps us all safe.
16:40Yes!
16:45Doctor, this man should not be here.
16:47No, no, Mrs. Gifford.
16:49When I want a second opinion, I'll ask for you.
16:53No, you've got the right documents this time.
16:56Good.
16:58He's jumped the queue.
17:00Dear me, and I thought the infallibility of your assistant didn't allow for that sort of thing.
17:05Never mind.
17:06By the way, did you make the tea this morning?
17:09Yes, I did.
17:10Tomorrow, do you think I could have the first dunk of the tea bag?
17:14I'm sorry, Doctor, it's not your turn.
17:23She loves it, really, you know.
17:26Now, what can I do for you?
17:29What?
17:29Actually, I think...
17:34Actually, my wife thinks that you ought to examine me.
17:37Oh, yes, did you say which part?
17:41No, no, no, I think she meant the whole of me.
17:44You see, I've not been sleeping too well and I've been getting a bit worried about my work.
17:47Yes, tell me, do you suffer from the occasional bout of depression followed by long periods of listlessness?
17:53Yes, that's it exactly.
17:54Yes.
17:55It's a damn nuisance.
17:58Wish I knew what it was.
18:04How do you go on about holidays?
18:07Ah.
18:08Well, we usually book through Thompsons and go night flight from New York.
18:14I mean, when did you last have one?
18:16Oh, I see when I have one.
18:18Er, when did we last go to Taramalinas?
18:20Um, June, September.
18:22I think my wife would better tell you this better than me.
18:25Oh, yes, your wife is Mrs Barnes, isn't she?
18:27Yes, that's right.
18:28Well, it was August, I remember.
18:30She brought in her colour snaps and she thought she had yellow jaundice.
18:34Oh.
18:34I told her that colour film was faulty.
18:37You're Mrs Barnes is worried about you at health and she wants me to examine you.
18:41Yes, that's right.
18:42She thinks I've been overdoing it a bit.
18:43Ah, well, that makes a change.
18:44It's usually another way round.
18:47Right.
18:47Well, I suppose I'd better have a look at you.
18:50Oh.
18:53Do you know if I...
18:55Do you know if I've done something to my back?
18:57It's been giving me jip all morning.
18:59Ah!
19:01I hope I haven't slipped another disc.
19:03My osteopaths in holiday.
19:07Couldn't you, er, couldn't you get one of your colleagues to have a little bit for you?
19:13How do you feel at the moment?
19:15About what?
19:18How do you feel bodily?
19:19Oh, bodily?
19:20Oh, well, actually, I know this sounds rather silly, Doctor, but I know that there's nothing wrong with me at
19:23all.
19:24No, that doesn't sound silly.
19:25A lot of people come to see me who know there's nothing wrong with them.
19:28Difference is, you're admitting to it.
19:30Are you eating all right?
19:32Oh, no, that is one thing.
19:32I do seem to have lost my appetite a bit.
19:34Let me see your tongue.
19:35Come on.
19:45I'm not surprised if you're off your foot walking around with that thing in your mouth.
19:50All right, pull it away now.
19:53Do you smoke?
19:55Smoke? No, not at the moment, thank you.
19:59Do I smoke?
20:00Oh, see, do I smoke?
20:01Yes.
20:02Sorry.
20:02No, er, no.
20:03No, not really, not hardly at all, really.
20:05Well, I mean, you know, apart from the odd one or two to lunchtime and then maybe the odd two
20:09or three in the evening,
20:10but apart from the odd five or six during the day, I hardly touch them.
20:13So, er, you're a sort of non-smoker, but you're not fanatical about it?
20:17Yes, that's it, exactly.
20:18I mean, next time they go up in price, I'm just going to give them up completely.
20:20Yes, I've been saying that since there were two and three a packet.
20:23Yes, open your mouth.
20:25Yes, now you say ah.
20:27Ah.
20:28Ah.
20:29Ah.
20:30Hmm, again.
20:31Mm-hmm, again.
20:37I must say, Mr Barnes, the top of your tongue bears a close resemblance to the inside of a fur
20:42boot.
20:43You suffer from irregularity.
20:45Um, I don't think you'd think so.
20:51Well, not that I can remember.
20:52Well, perhaps I'd better give you something to jog your memory.
20:58Now, just look straight ahead for me.
21:01Yes, look to the left.
21:12Just move your eyes.
21:14Yes, yes, yes.
21:15Leave your face where it is.
21:20Now, look to the left.
21:22To the right.
21:23Look up.
21:24Look down.
21:25Mm-hmm.
21:26Now, the other eye.
21:28I was doing it with the other eye.
21:34I know you were.
21:36If you hadn't, you'd have frightened the life out of me.
21:40All the same, you would just go through it again, eh?
21:42Yes.
21:44Now, just look straight ahead.
21:46Get to the left.
21:48To the right.
21:49Up.
21:50Down.
21:50Good.
21:52Is it all right?
21:55No, I've got another nasty twink.
21:59You'd be surprised.
22:00It goes all the way up the left side and into the shoulder.
22:03Yeah.
22:04Still, I mustn't let it get on top of me.
22:06Uh, stripped to the waist, will you?
22:07Yeah.
22:09From which half?
22:11Well, I want to examine your chest.
22:14Ah, chest.
22:14You don't want to go behind a screen, do you?
22:16No, thank you.
22:17I went before I came out.
22:20Do you enjoy Toro Molinas, then?
22:22Oh, yes.
22:23Thank you very much.
22:24We stayed at the Costa del Santa.
22:26Yeah.
22:27We would have preferred a room facing the sea, but we got quite fascinated with the bus station
22:31in the end.
22:31Yes.
22:32Did you ever try Marbella further along the coast?
22:34No.
22:35No, we didn't, but we did see it on the front of a lot of buses.
22:38Yes.
22:39I think you'd like it there.
22:40Orange trees in a square.
22:41Good shops.
22:42Glorious beach.
22:43Oh.
22:43Wish I was there now.
22:45How long was it since you were last there?
22:47Oh, we've never been, but people keep sending us postcards.
22:52Right.
22:52I think I'll have you on the couch.
22:54I beg your pardon?
22:56Sit on the edge.
22:57Oh, sit on the edge.
23:00Ha, ha, ha, ha.
23:04Breathe in.
23:06And out.
23:13Breathe in.
23:14And out.
23:16Breathe in.
23:18And out.
23:20And again.
23:33Yes.
23:34Right now, just lie down, will you?
23:36Right.
23:39Oh, if you heard a slight echo, it's probably because I didn't have any breakfast this morning.
23:49I can't wait for you to have to be done, Don.
24:00No.
24:02Don't do that.
24:03No, no, no.
24:04Oh.
24:04Have you finished with me, Doctor?
24:05Because I do have to get back to work, the examination, have you finished–
24:08Oh.
24:08You have to come back next week.
24:11Mac, Mrs Gifford
24:13and remember
24:14the moral of this story is
24:16no matter how ill you feel
24:17always eat your scrambled eggs
24:18Mrs Gifford
24:21Mr Burns
25:05Mr Burns
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