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01:02Oh, wow.
01:05It's an own goal for Alan.
01:08I knew it was that bloody sausage.
01:11It was so good, though.
01:15Oh, God.
01:17I knew the sausage machine would be my downfall.
01:20Then my eye looked over to Pat Noodle, and then I was just gone.
01:24OK, so that's seven of you on yellow cards.
01:28So, Sam, you don't have a yellow card.
01:29David, you don't have a yellow card.
01:31Unbelievably, Mel, you don't have a yellow card.
01:35Teetering.
01:35OK, I'm going back in.
01:37I'm restarting the game.
01:38OK.
01:39Dawes.
01:41I mean, this is a very, very strong team.
01:46So it's yellow cards for Alan and Romesh,
01:48and all it took was a sausage machine firing out raw meat
01:52at a lady called Pat Noodle.
01:53Simple, really.
01:55OK, let's restart the game.
02:01Well done.
02:02Well done, Alan.
02:03OK.
02:04I loved that game, and the shoe business was excellent.
02:08Thank you, thank you.
02:09We've all bitten down on a shoe and trying to curl one out.
02:13Yep.
02:29Anyone care for a freshened-up buffet?
02:31Thanks, this is an amazing spread.
02:33I even have just had a whole one out a bit more.
02:36What is the calorific intake on this show?
02:38They've not stopped eating.
02:40Must be nice for them.
02:42They're allowed snacks.
02:44They've got snacks in there, aren't they?
02:45I don't want any, anyway.
02:46I'm glad when you said to me there's no snacks,
02:48I said, I don't even want any.
02:49What are your favourite meats, Alan?
02:53Tongue.
02:54Tongue.
02:55Tongue.
02:55Whose tongue?
02:56Anyone's tongue.
02:57Tongue of cow, tongue of...
02:59Human tongue.
02:59Human tongue.
03:01Is your favourite meat?
03:02You've got temptation in your mouth at all times.
03:05Bob?
03:05Oh, this is...
03:06The human tongue's got them.
03:08And we've got quite a big tongue,
03:09if you don't mind me saying.
03:10Yeah, yeah, it's quite girthy.
03:11I've got a long tongue.
03:12I've got a well-hung tongue.
03:14A well-hung tongue.
03:18Who's got the longest tongue here?
03:19Sam's got a long tongue.
03:21Sam, can we see it?
03:26What the hell?
03:28What?
03:28What?
03:30Do that again, Sam.
03:31What just happened?
03:32What was going on there?
03:33Do that again, Sam, please, slower.
03:35Is that actually your tongue?
03:38Why are you cuffing at half the tongue?
03:40Well, I'm worried.
03:41Is it a trick?
03:42It can't be a tongue, though.
03:43That can't be a tongue.
03:44You can't have a tongue.
03:45Who has a spare tongue?
03:48If there's tongue talk, the tongue comes out.
03:53Drinks orders.
03:54Drinks orders.
03:55I'd have a glass of rosé or a...
03:57I'll have a rosé.
03:58Rosé.
03:58Anyone else for rosé?
03:59Yeah, I think I will.
04:01Three rosés.
04:01Rosé team?
04:03Can I get some scallops?
04:07If you're doing scallops, I'll have some of yours.
04:09Two scallops?
04:10Yeah.
04:11Thanks, Mel.
04:12Rummers, did you want a something or other?
04:13Rummers?
04:14You want a glass of rosé?
04:15Yeah, I'll have a glass of rosé.
04:16So we get a bottle of rosé.
04:17I don't know how to do this, but I'll see what I can do.
04:22Mel.
04:23Oh, hello.
04:24I just wondered if we might be able to possibly have a bottle of rosé.
04:28Yeah, no problem at all.
04:30That's really kind, and a few glasses.
04:32I should be all right.
04:33You're really kind.
04:35Thank you so much.
04:36No, I'm not, but yeah.
04:38Bye.
04:39Bye.
04:40So you can phone out.
04:43You can phone out.
04:44Thank you, and just this.
04:46My angelic page.
04:47Yeah.
04:48Oh.
04:49Oh.
04:51Er, Mel.
04:52Mel.
04:53Mel.
04:53Mel.
04:54Mel.
04:56Absolutely shabba rank.
04:59Yes.
04:59Oh, that's good.
05:01Oh, what's happened here?
05:05What the hell?
05:08We have had a laugh, and no one else was involved.
05:12They've done this to themselves.
05:14Doors.
05:15Nothing happened here.
05:17Oh, here we go.
05:17What?
05:19Can't be.
05:21We have had a laugh.
05:23What?
05:24And this was, I mean, you talk about own goals.
05:27This is just someone taking themselves out for no good reason.
05:31Let's have a look.
05:37Sorry.
05:38Er, Mel.
05:39Mel.
05:40Mel.
05:41Mel.
05:43Mel.
05:44Mel.
05:44Mel.
05:44Mel.
05:45Melvis Presley.
05:46What the hell are we thinking?
05:48Mel, Mel, Mel.
05:48What the hell?
05:48Mel, Mel, Mel.
05:49You burped yourself out.
05:52The viewers at home will watch that and go, that audio, they've done something to that audio.
05:56That's genuinely the noise your body made.
05:59I'm really sorry. It's all the flumps and everything, and the crisps. Don't blame the flumps.
06:06It's a yellow card.
06:07How basic is it to laugh at your own burp, rookie error?
06:14Some of you are going to be joining myself and Roisin very, very soon. I'll restart the game.
06:19So Mel's incredible burp brought her down. A yellow card for her, and a suggestion. Maybe a bottle of Gaviscon.
06:29Why are you away?
06:30Someone came in and opened a bag of popcorn, and then ate someone. I told them we weren't allowed it,
06:34so they've gone now.
06:37You've got to have more control over these people.
06:39We've ate on yellow cards.
06:43Let's restart the game.
06:46Oh, here we go.
06:47Here we go.
06:52One more strike.
06:53One more strike.
06:56Has anyone got a weird crush?
06:58Weird crush?
06:59Gordon Ramsay.
07:01When he starts shouting, I really like it.
07:03I used to fancy the Jack of Clubs.
07:07You know, in the pack of cards.
07:11Good looking.
07:12It was good looking.
07:14If we're going there, Mufasa.
07:18Really?
07:18Mufasa is Saxa.
07:20Yeah.
07:21Officer Dibble.
07:22Hello.
07:23Dibble's hot.
07:24Officer Dibble?
07:25Officer Dibble from Top Cat.
07:27Oh, man. How can you fancy the Popo?
07:31I've never heard or thought of Officer Dibble as the Popo.
07:37No, but technically, correct.
07:40I said...
07:41Crop.
07:42Oh.
07:43Hello.
07:43Something is...
07:44Oh, yes.
07:45Something's going to happen.
07:47Judy Finnegan, guys.
07:48It's Judy Finnegan.
07:49Oh, imagine!
07:50That would be amazing.
07:53Hello, everyone.
07:54Now, David and Sam, you don't have yellow cards,
07:57so you're going to go head-to-head in a special challenge.
08:01I know comedians hate showing off,
08:02so this is going to be really tough for you.
08:04You have to take in turns
08:05to say something impressive about yourself,
08:07so this is a chance to boast about your greatest achievements.
08:12Please take your places at the table.
08:14The game starts and ends when the bell rings.
08:17Go, guys.
08:18Go, guys!
08:21OK.
08:24OK.
08:25Um...
08:27Put it there.
08:28Um...
08:29Say something impressive about me.
08:31I, um, have a good tenacity
08:33and I think I'm strong-willed.
08:35I have occasional attention to detail.
08:38Well, I have a girlfriend.
08:40I have a wife.
08:43My first kiss was actually on a castle
08:45in Guildford.
08:48Oh!
08:49I look forward to my first kiss.
08:54Um, I have a lot of mates, a lot of great mates.
08:59I was a finalist in the Rotary Club public speaking competition
09:03in 1991 or 1992.
09:05I mean, this is at school,
09:06but I did very well in the cross-country.
09:09I appreciate cheese and am able to show it.
09:13Oh, dear.
09:17Um, I am good at swimming
09:20and I would actually even drop with a parsley.
09:23I won't tolerate stale biscuits.
09:29I won't tolerate bigotry.
09:32I will tolerate bigotry
09:34in order to influence people.
09:38Oh, I've got a printer.
09:41I've got, um,
09:43a laptop that can connect
09:44to my wife's printer.
09:46Oh, my wife's printer.
09:47The David Mitchell story.
09:49Ah!
09:51Ah!
09:53I, uh, have a very loud voice
09:56when I need to.
09:57Do you shout?
09:59I can shout very loudly.
10:01I challenge you to a small mini-challenge
10:02within this challenge,
10:03which is a shout.
10:04A shout-off.
10:05You'd like me to shout?
10:06We both get to shout one thing at each other.
10:08Okay, right.
10:09The challenger's got a spin-off.
10:11Who, who can shout for longest?
10:14You start there
10:15and we slowly step toward each other shouting.
10:17Okay, ready?
10:18One, two, three.
10:19Ah!
10:24Ah!
10:26Ah!
10:27Ah!
10:29Ah!
10:29Ah!
10:30Ah!
10:36Ah!
10:37Ah!
10:41Strong, very strong.
10:43What is this house?
10:45Who, Diane Morgan?
10:49It felt like you needed that, David.
10:51I think it helped a bit.
10:52Do you feel better?
10:58that was one of my favorite part so far I really enjoyed looking into your screaming face I can't
11:03believe we didn't get anyone on that yeah I mean there's a reason those two don't have yellows
11:08lovely guys really good very good I think the world will be surprised that it was David had
11:13the loudest scream you wouldn't have put much money on that he's an animal do we didn't know
11:24when I went to Mexico I got Montezuma's Revenge that I had I OD'd on Imodium and basically had
11:33to have a c-section to do a shit that's that's full-on yeah that's bad that's really bad yeah
11:43could you have a book in a diet and stuff yeah yeah and a gender reveal see yeah
11:55did they show it to you did you keep it
12:01are you proud was it like people say don't they about birth they say it's like emotional it's
12:09emotional because that's actually my child oh Alan Alan Alan oh it's a good it's good
12:18just sorry he's got problems it's weakening no no you're just it's just emotional for me
12:26because that's my child you're talking about yeah your poo child
12:34you um you do a fair bit of acting don't you hmm you do quite a lot of that hmm
12:38um I've got an
12:41audition oh yeah next week but I find them really scary do you yeah I'm nervous I've got the luck
12:48do
12:48you want everyone would you run through it with me yeah is that okay absolutely
12:56you're Jack that's okay interior quiet rural cafe Jack a handsome British man in mid-20s is working
13:03behind the counter enter Hannah an American businesswoman in her early 30s hi what can I
13:09get you oh I'm still deciding hold on a second that's really good is that good yeah her phone rings
13:15and she takes out her bag she takes a deep breath and answers calmly look Steve now ain't a good
13:21time
13:22you know how important this case is to me and I can't think about us right now she pauses to
13:29hear Steve's reply she nods understandingly might want to work on that nod a bit the nod yeah she puts
13:39her phone away and glances back at Jack who has already prepared her coffee got you an
13:45Americana because I think I detected an accent Hannah rolls her eyes and laughs to herself
13:54not a laugh I think that's risky business you've got it in the bag you reckon but nothing to worry
14:00about the only thing I'd say that nod was a bit big what would you go for yeah that's it
14:08but
14:08your accent's amazing cheers dive these are serious players I think we need another joker here we go
14:23hello last one laughing uh Romesh could you go and play your joker please sure thing bye-bye has the
14:37most deadpan group of people I can't believe they're all still in there they're not breaking okay we're gonna
14:43have to get strict now oh straight in there okie dokie hello um just to start off I'm gonna give
14:52you
14:52these but could you not open them yeah okay thank you thank you let's go Romesh oh exciting so please
15:07don't look at the envelopes until I say a lot of my comedy comes from taking ownership of some of
15:12the
15:12hardest things I've had to deal with whether it's my bonky eye how much I depend on my mum for
15:18a career
15:18or even how long I remained a virgin I had to face a lot of criticism that I rely too
15:25much on jokes
15:26about my eye online one person actually said if he had two straight eyes he'd be driving a taxi but
15:35what people don't know is actually that a little part of me dies every time I mention my weaknesses in
15:39a room of people it gets laughs sure but it still hurts so given you guys can't laugh I thought
15:46I
15:46would detail some of the things that I found the hardest here are some examples of the things I've
15:50got called gauzy-eyed croc-eyed gammy-eyed shitty-eyed eyed eyed and this is probably the worst one
16:02cookie monster
16:19things then quietened down and I learned to make those jokes first but I wasn't ready for what
16:24happened in 2007 Tony Blair stood down and this man became Prime Minister can anybody guess what my
16:36nickname was in the late noughties Gordon it was Gordon very very Brown I hope that the status of
16:50becoming a teacher would change things some kids called me mr. Rajabaga bing-bong which I thought was
16:57racist but the head said all the vowels made it sound plausibly Sri Lankan a career in the public eye
17:07came next and via the horror of social media I found myself in the eye of the stormers TV appearances
17:14held another volley of horrible comments cameraman's nightmare he needs his mum there for directions
17:21his eyes are on more channels than he is not only that but people made unflattering racial comparisons
17:29to other comedians Jack Deepak Ricky Gervaisian or the worst David Bad Baddiel my therapist says the final stage of
17:42my
17:42healing is to allow you to say those things so when I point at you what I'd like you to
17:47do is open your
17:47envelope take it in and then I would like you to say the insult to my face start with you
17:54please
18:03even he can't see things from his own perspective thank you he'd need the death star to give him laser
18:19eye
18:26surgery thank you he's got the worst eye since Isis
18:43he got jizz in that eye from whoever he had to suck off to get on TV
18:50Maisie straight in not even a bit of a mercy nothing to Maisie
19:07his wife's eyes must be more fucked than his and finally
19:35his eye looks
19:39his eye looks like a grape in a tumble dryer
19:52thank you so much for taking the time to sort of share
19:54that and I certainly found it useful and I hope you did too thank you very much guys I appreciate
19:58it
20:06brave that was brave I felt bad for Romesh and I've had that myself you know people have said
20:12horrible things about me you know that my smiles like a bombed-out village and stuff like that and
20:17someone said if I grew a mustache you look like Stonehenge had a thatched roof
20:22what was yours again Alan can't remember now
20:29let's have it again yeah it's my favorite once more with feeling
20:35you can really picture the grape can't you bubbling around I it makes me feel no but no but that
20:43will help that will help you all right
20:50his eyes looks like
21:00that's a laugh it's a weird noise but it was a laugh
21:02yep
21:02yep
21:04whoa
21:05what
21:07uh-oh what
21:08doors
21:11oh god
21:14I think it might have been me guys
21:16we have had
21:17a laugh
21:21please
21:22his eyes
21:27looks like
21:29looks like
21:30looks like
21:32oh
21:33oh
21:34Bemi
21:38you're the first one out
21:39Bemi
21:40no
21:43oh
21:43oh
21:44yeah
21:44yeah you are
21:45Bemi you have to come and watch with me but you don't have to go on your own
21:51have a look we've had another laugh
21:56let's have it again
21:59you can really picture the grape can't you
22:04oh
22:05we're being incredibly strict now
22:08and you lot pushed me to do that again
22:10had to happen Alan
22:12okay that's one for you Bemi
22:13one for you Alan you'll come with me
22:15come on
22:15doors
22:19I didn't get the first red card
22:21it was a joint first red card
22:24and technically Alan Carr
22:26alphabetically
22:27is higher up
22:28so
22:29first
22:30but like second to Alan
22:32Bemi gets the first red card
22:34she's out first
22:35first red
22:36to Bemi
22:37oh and Alan's out as well
22:39but Bemi first
22:42please come in
22:43take a seat
22:43you are free to laugh
22:45oh
22:46how did you find it in there
22:47I couldn't control my face there's so many funny people
22:50oh your facial expressions
22:51it was only a matter of time
22:52you know what my face
22:53I knew I'd be the first or second out or whatever
22:56I thought I'd last longer
22:57I mean I lasted long actually
23:00it's just everyone else is so good
23:03right team things are going to get really fricking tense
23:08they haven't restarted have they
23:11yeah get it out
23:17okay should we restart
23:18yes
23:19okay let's go
23:20I thought
23:21I thought
23:21oh jeez
23:22oh this is
23:23this is thick and fast
23:24I'm not ready for this
23:27I might just get on the phone for some more booze
23:29lager please
23:35have you been to a hem party David
23:37only professionally
23:39obviously
23:39professionally
23:40have you
23:41what
23:41you've been booked
23:42for a hem party
23:44yeah
23:44when I was younger and more
23:47as a stripper
23:48now as a sort of you know a waiter just in a thong
23:51no
23:53I can believe that you would be a stripper
23:56I can't believe that you would wait on someone
23:58it's difficult to take that as a compliment
24:02so nice to laugh
24:04so nice
24:06okay it's time to bring a bit of class to proceedings isn't it
24:09all right
24:12oh hello
24:13might I talk to them
24:35wow
24:40this should be fun
24:40doors
24:43I see you've all met my chiropodist
24:46please take a seat up here
24:47we have a singing challenge now
24:49now I would be out
24:51yeah we'd be out now
24:51I don't feel so bad now
24:53okay it's actually fairly easy
24:54all you've got to do is sing this
25:03you bastard
25:04go just sing that while I point to you
25:06Amy
25:20David
25:32oh
25:33oh
25:34oh
25:34oh
25:35oh
25:36oh
25:37oh
25:37oh
25:37oh
25:38oh
25:38oh
25:39oh
25:43Rommersh.
25:55Mel's got to go, surely.
25:58Mel.
26:11Sam.
26:19Bob.
26:26Maisie's gone, come on!
26:28Maisie's gone! Come on!
26:30She's crying!
26:31Maisie?
26:39Oh!
26:43That was very strong.
26:45It's a very moving piece of music.
26:47Roisin, could you hit the red button for me?
26:49Yes, Jimmy.
26:50Oh, my God, Maisie!
26:56Yeah, who was it?
26:58Who was it?
27:01I think you know who it was.
27:03OK, let's have a look at the replay.
27:06Bob.
27:09Oh!
27:10Oh!
27:11Oh!
27:14Maisie.
27:16Maisie.
27:18Oh, my God.
27:19Oh, Maisie!
27:21Maisie.
27:22I'm sorry.
27:23I think you were laughing a bit there.
27:25Yeah, just a little bit.
27:26Just a bit.
27:29So, Maisie, it's a red card for you.
27:31Sorry, Maisie.
27:33We've also had a smile.
27:38Take a look.
27:40Take a look.
27:43Oh!
27:46Oh!
27:49We are being strict at this stage of the game, so I've got to give you a red card.
27:53OK.
27:54I don't want to be, like...
27:55I mean, no.
27:56I don't want to be a tease, but it is a smile.
27:57Well, it's a smile or a laugh.
27:58That's the game.
27:59Yeah.
28:00I mean, oh, God, I came across such a narc, then.
28:03Mal, sometimes it's nice to hold a glass rather than suck it to your face.
28:07I sucked it so hard I couldn't actually get it off, then.
28:14I can't get it off.
28:16I can't get it off.
28:20I'm out his hand, you get a head in show business.
28:24I was annoyed with myself for letting that slip, but I thought I'd got away with it.
28:29Then just when you think you're safe, the spectre of Jimmy Carr returns and it's all over.
28:36So that's red cards for Amy and Maisie.
28:38Four down, six to go.
28:40Who will be the next to crack?
28:43Here we are.
28:44Look at it.
28:45That was a tough one.
28:46I went so red, I thought it was... I thought I was going to pass out.
28:49You're not meant to repress it.
28:50No.
28:50It's unnatural.
28:51I knew I was out when I started to see stars.
28:53All right, let's restart the game.
28:55Yeah.
28:56What happens?
29:04Can you give me three favourite things and I'll judge them?
29:07Three favourite what?
29:08Do you like cheese?
29:10Well, here's the thing.
29:11I don't really eat cheese, but I can do it off memory, if you like.
29:15There was a time when you adore cheeses?
29:17Yeah.
29:17Your third cheese?
29:21Erm...
29:21Smoked cheddar.
29:25Sorry.
29:26At number two?
29:28Wensleydale.
29:33Sorry, Ron.
29:34And at number one for you?
29:36Danish Blue.
29:41You love that one?
29:43Yeah.
29:44What a great cheese.
29:45It is a great cheese.
29:49Sorry to interrupt, chaps.
29:50Something from the buffet.
29:52Sorry to interrupt with a slightly loud voice.
29:54I'll not take anything, thank you.
29:56Something from the buffet.
29:57Cracker on a guac.
29:59Crack-a-mole, as we're calling it.
30:00Yeah, that'd be great.
30:01Combo over two.
30:01Or a nice little tomato.
30:03I'm fine.
30:03With a mozzarella looking underneath.
30:05Do you like your mozzarella bulb?
30:09Or a cucumber bulb?
30:11No, I'm going to see if there's a drink.
30:12Just dipping into the guacamole.
30:13Dippy, dippy, dips in the guacamole.
30:17Look, Bob's so close.
30:20A lot of people didn't look to be on the offensive.
30:23Mel, for example, as soon as she saw somebody had a problem, she was in.
30:27Because she could smell a weakness.
30:30I miss the guys.
30:32I love those gals and Al.
30:34Everyone I really liked in this has now gone out.
30:43Hello, last one laughing.
30:44Oh, hi, Romesh.
30:45Could you get Bob to go and prepare his joker?
30:47No problem.
30:50Bob, could you prepare your joker, please?
30:52Oh, hello, sailor.
30:54Right, now, it's belt and braces time, I fear.
30:58This could be a problem for people.
31:00Oh, Christ, this could be the end for some of us.
31:03Let's clench up, because this is going to be a very, very rough and difficult ride.
31:08Oh, my God.
31:11Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on stage...
31:15Shit.
31:19We are intimacy coordinators, yeah.
31:22You're a stout lad.
31:25You're about to see a show.
31:27Hairier?
31:29Oh, wow, the stakes are high.
31:32A little bit sexier, a little bit futuristic.
31:35Is the card red or yellow?
31:36Oh, my God, this is so tense.
31:41Nice and simple.
31:42Would you consider yourself a pervert?
31:55Is that a message?
32:01Tier 2 in the USA.
32:02In the USA, you can't move the ball, it disponers fancy.
32:06it's not a ו-ס pan. In the
32:06USA too- Miamiỉa programs outside the conversation. To give
32:06session quiteml ćeteen? In the
32:07USA where a place will be alternatively, you can't
32:09remember that you make sense ofòk. On the來了
32:09to the other side... You can't
32:12remember that the rivers are mental descans. Then you should
32:13know that you cannot be afraid about that.
32:42We'll see you next time.
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