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11:56oh man oh this is so cool
12:02oh boy
12:10got him
12:11good job
12:12hey i'm ned
12:18the door seems to be locked yeah because i locked it she locked it i'm ned sampson i start here
12:24today you can you can let me out uh we had a security breach month ago can't be too sure
12:30yeah i got an acid wandered in from a jazz festival okay well that wasn't me another one
12:35of those acid guys yep yeah it must be the soft lighting sir you look very trusting you can trust
12:40me i promise let me out thank you but i'm going to stay out of it best of luck okay
12:46we do
12:48not have door money this is just a misunderstanding okay i just i start work at the paper which
12:53paper news or toilet news why would i say the paper about toilet paper we don't know you
12:59sir how should we know why you say the things you say i've got a meeting at two o'clock
13:03all
13:03right i'm just early that's all this is okay there's a meeting with just briefly i'm forgetting
13:09the name no no wait wait wait wait wait it's something unique it's is there a is there a
13:15a fantine that works here you'll find her in les mises all right ah okay okay i'm sorry
13:23come on looks like y'all caught on arrival please please i'm genuinely claustrophobic
13:31i do get claustrophobic i i got stuck in my neighbor's chimney playing christmas when i was
13:34a kid i'm trying to imagine what it's like to be santa claus please please let me out are you
13:38being serious because i'm actually claustrophobic and if you're pretending that would be very
13:42disrespectful to the claustrophobic community all right i'm not claustrophobic but i get a
13:48little nervous in airplane bathrooms if that counts that's the truth esmeralda it's esmeralda
13:55that's that's the name of the person right oh that's okay wait he gets one name right and you
14:00guys let your guards down you are you esmeralda no i'm the woman you hit what no he says calm
14:07down everybody no he just knocked my salad to the ground oh my gosh i'm so sorry i didn't
14:12know i did that you guys can let him out are you sure yes i saw him downstairs talking to
14:17the
14:17camera crew he's real thank you all right all right
14:25adalola nice to meet you it's nice to meet you too adam sorry i'm sorry but not at all hello
14:31nice
14:31to meet you what's up buddy hey how are you nice to meet you man there he is yeah
14:43i think he's clean nice to meet you brother welcome to the floor thank you very much
14:52nobody told me they were adding somebody unless i'm being fired from the paper am i am i being
14:57fired no no they're adding me okay i didn't expect to get locked in a glass of water on the
15:01first day
15:02thank you so much um you okay you want to sit do you know someplace that i could get something
15:08to
15:08eat uh i owe you a salad anyway sure all right let me one second
15:23and i went to ou studied journalism on the school paper by my last year i was editor and
15:29i loved it so you've been working in the news since no after spending four years getting my
15:34journalism degree my father pointed out that the industry was collapsing like an old smoker's lung
15:39oh no so i got scared and i went to work at his company selling cardboard glossy cardboard high-end
15:47gift box with lid i could really sell cardboard
15:52what's going on over here oh um won't eat and then i'll do things that are better by themselves
15:59okay dude i didn't tell you this we were racing to make the game and then all of a sudden
16:05a freaking
16:06deer jumped out at us did you break in time you don't break for deer man you do not break
16:12for
16:12deer you know that right what does a car do when you break it attracts deer no you break your
16:21car
16:22tilts down and boom the deer will go through the windshield and if that's a buck a male deer
16:28that's an antler to the face aka instant death in my experience no thank you man
16:36hell no okay so what happened after cardboard
16:42i don't really want to talk about it it's kind of private oh i'm sorry i was home for thanksgiving
16:47my mom basically announces that my father has been cheating on her
16:50and having this 20-year affair with a woman who lives on their street shut up mhm mrs schwepp
16:57oh my god she taught me piano no yeah and i lost it i was screaming at him you're a
17:02bad man
17:03i will not work for you i hate everything about you and so i wouldn't go back to cardboard after
17:08that and luckily my dad felt guilty which he should yeah and he knew someone on the board of
17:14innervate so he kind of got the ball rolling on that and i went out to softies in chicago worked
17:19there for two years broke every record selling toilet paper and they said what do you want to
17:24do next i picked here geez it's fairly inspiring for a story with that much nepotism in it
17:35adam is 32 he has four kids his wife makes them the same lunch every day i mean like all
17:42of them
17:42you know just sort of marches them off to work and he just gobs to poor religious people with no
17:47skills
17:48honestly i can't imagine how he keeps going i think atalola is a very emotional person
17:56you know sometimes i catch her looking at me with tears in her eyes
18:00so how do you like working here it's fine
18:03mm-hmm what does that mean
18:10i don't know have you have you read this paper uh-huh okay i mean how do you think it
18:18compares to
18:18any other paper
18:21it sucks it compares badly to any other printed material great cool but we are going to make it
18:30better i'm sorry i i don't even know if it's a real paper i mean it's some local ads and
18:37clickbait
18:38with like four ap stories and high school sports scores on the cover there's something to start
18:44with sure why don't we talk after you meet your new boss though i met marv he's great no esmeralda
18:53yep right they hired me to be the editor-in-chief
18:58above esmeralda yeah
19:06ah ned it's nice to meet you it's very nice to meet you i know you've been supervising things
19:11for a while so i hope it's not too disruptive to have me come in and sort of shake everything
19:16up
19:16oh no no don't be so self-defecating no come on i can't wait to hear your ideas
19:22all right shall we yes after you ladies first thank you
19:27sure okay i don't expect it to happen overnight but i will need a full staff
19:33multiple local beats with okay dedicated reporters okay a city beat for daily stories
19:41we need a sports beat yes hello 9-1-1 yes my budget is having a coronary
19:51i've called him i've called him
19:56and would all of these be um paid positions yes but they would make the paper worth reading again
20:02can we do that no no no sorry because the news is a bit poor but probably you didn't know
20:10obviously i did know that we can free up some funds by cutting some other things
20:15keep talking i'm cutting the wire services people can get that news anywhere for free
20:20and i would like to cut all the garbage clickbait nonsense on the website it's bad for people
20:25it's bad for the paper we go back to basics local focus objective fact-based reporting
20:31this could be very exciting i have something that i would like to say great innovate is in good
20:40health largely because of softies innovate is tom brady very healthy very rich
20:47the truth teller is a sick mouse hiding behind tom brady's fridge now tom brady he likes mice
20:57but this mouse is fucked
21:08okay i uh appreciate your honesty it sounds like a big challenge but luckily
21:14i love challenges that's why i'm so good at lent
21:19hey uh ned yes i just want to say i got your back
21:25finally thank you i've been there you've
21:32he's been there yeah who is that he works in envelopes huh actually i didn't think he worked
21:40here anymore uh look i mean i think we should schedule a meeting with marv and just look at
21:45the budget with a very
21:52with marv why are we scheduling a meeting with marv well because i think we have a fundamental
21:58difference of opinion about what the paper is capable of
22:04can you excuse me for just a second of course comfort break thank you yes
22:10what is it for the lights the paper yeah hey can we talk of course no no no her did
22:23you send an email
22:24to everyone here saying that i was not me too'd yes because i didn't want you to start off on
22:32the
22:32wrong foot but i wasn't yes in fact that's why i said he was not me too'd i don't think
22:42i was not i've
22:44never been me too'd i've also never embezzled or slapped a waitress oh well should i tell them
22:51maybe no that's what i'm saying you you don't have to not a thing that isn't you are preaching to
22:58the choir these are simple people to them a man leaves his job moves to a new town they think
23:06i wonder what was his evil crime did he do it to a person an animal animal i hope he
23:14doesn't do it
23:14to me that's why i wrote a mass email to everyone so instead they would think wait a minute hold
23:22on
23:22maybe i should wait and see what if my gut instinct against him is not okay completely completely
23:28completely right okay this is bad esmeralda you know what i'm going to tell everyone that everything
23:35that i wrote in that email was completely incorrect okay thank you okay you're welcome you're welcome
23:42no wait wait wait i think that's worse why why i think i think it's better if it comes from
23:50me
23:50i agree great idea everybody's going to appreciate your remarks
23:54cool no not now not now everyone everyone everyone of course i'm not talking about the toilet paper
24:05people nat simpson here would like to say something right
24:15thank you
24:18uh hi everyone my name is ned samson i can't hear you
24:24do you mind if i stand on your desk if you must thanks i mean i'd rather you didn't
24:31hi everyone my name is ned samson i am your new editor-in-chief
24:37i believe that there was an email going around but uh we'll we'll talk about that later
24:45i i just had a meeting with ken and esmeralda and it sounded to me like the changes that i
24:51was hoping
24:51to make so that the truth teller could once again become a great ohio paper
24:55it sounds like those changes are too expensive to implement right now
25:01that being said i am going to make these changes one way or another that is why i am here
25:06so feel
25:07free to let me know if you'd like to help out and do some original reporting that includes everyone
25:12working on this floor does that mean us too no uh are you interested i don't know i might be
25:19great
25:21fantastic our first new reporter possibly if he's interested we'll see now i understand that there is
25:28i for one i think this is stupid you know i like things the way they are i saw esmeralda
25:34was mad and
25:35i knew i knew it was only a matter of time before she took it out on someone so i
25:39had to act
25:40as an advocate for consent i think mr me too here he doesn't belong because that's what i was going
25:46to
25:46talk about later that's what that means i think esmeralda is a great boss so when i say four more
25:52you guys say years four more dad just sit down hey idiot sit down
26:00no the other idiot me no him okay you talk all right thank you as i was saying um
26:10the changes might be too expensive right now but be that as it may
26:16if you have ever wanted to be the first person to know what's going on in the place where you
26:21live
26:21or if you want to make sure that the people who are running your city are telling the truth and
26:27doing
26:27the things that they said they would do or if you just root for the underdog and you want to
26:32give it
26:32to the loudmouths you are more than welcome all of you to volunteer your time at this newspaper
26:39so marv is it okay if we borrow a few hours a week from these guys other duties if they
26:43want to
26:43participate yes let's uh do that to start fantastic this is great news if that sounds good to anyone
26:53and you would like to talk to me about this you can find me here or you can email me
26:57at sales god
27:00at softies chicago.com or at a work email which i will set up uh tomorrow for this workplace thank
27:06you
27:06very much no me too thing
27:14me didn't me wouldn't me believe in respect in workplace me haven't and won't i think thank you
27:29yeah did anybody hear that in america there is a saying about accepting the things that you cannot
27:40change in italy we do not have that saying
27:49i remember i bet my name's on the inside of that smock
27:53oh yeah i remember i had this very job i had this very job
27:57you were down here let me see the hands
28:00uh well you know maybe a little bit maybe a little bit
28:03i've gotten a little soft in my old age but i did everything i worked at baylor i worked at
28:07press i did all of it
28:08i cleaned up are you kidding me i swept i swept this place
28:20hey i was gonna take off for the night if that's okay
28:23sure cool hey have you uh have you seen this
28:28it's a documentary from the 70s about this newspaper it's called newspaper
28:32uh-huh yeah yeah it's amazing
28:38actually do you want to see something cool
28:41i could have sworn this was cool where are we going
28:44downstairs are we going outside is there a food truck with chicago deep dish
28:49am i being hazed i want to say up front i don't like being hazed
28:54is it asbestos because i can see it oh is it a smutty pinball machine thank you
29:00no no no hoping it was a pinball machine don't make a mess
29:06oh okay i'm not cleaning up after you all right
29:10is it him no okay
29:13ta-da all your guesses sucked
29:17this is incredible it's a goss community manufactured in 1965 in rockford illinois
29:27hey what do you think would happen if i push this button
29:30i wouldn't
29:34email
29:36travis bean lean i like to take pictures of my dog
29:39oh i could take pictures
29:41yeah he's weird but he's a good photographer it's good
29:45all right i don't even know what he does here
29:47maybe drives a delivery truck another one adam cooper sports question mark
29:51okay maybe we should get a cork board yes
29:55that's all it's called
29:56okay boss
29:58so that button down at the end of the machine that's
30:00well it's a magic button
30:04we push that button and the machine starts to
30:07rumble to life and all of those people the 900 people in this building
30:11all of the information they've gathered the stories they've found all of that gets
30:17fed into the machine along with the paper and and this good night process happens it is a kind
30:24of alchemy and what comes out this end is the truth it's a truth teller that's what we do
30:33and i don't mean to be blasphemous but i i worship at the altar of this machine
30:50oh no no no no i'm not playing
30:53i will make this unusable
30:58use that
31:03i'm sorry
31:04no go for it boss
31:06this is unusable
31:08a is out of its fly a man washing his balls in the garden with a hose
31:14it's filthy a man drying his with a burlap with a burlap rag a woman running through the field
31:25her b****s are out airy b****s nipples nipples and areolas with sweat with perspiration dripping down
31:33a dirty t**** i'm sorry softies
31:38a little bit of a burlap
31:40a little bit of a burlap
31:40a little bit of a burlap
31:42a little bit of a burlap
31:44a little bit of a burlap
31:45a little bit of a burlap
31:46a little bit of a burlap
31:47a little bit of a burlap
31:48a little bit of a burlap
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