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08:05Right now Ned
08:06And you can consider that
08:08Your final warning
08:09And you needn't think
08:10There won't be more
08:11Where that came from
08:12Ken
08:12Yeah
08:14Get out of my newsroom
08:15Careful
08:19Let's go
08:23Felt good
08:24Thank you very much
08:25Alright so
08:26Excuse me
08:27Roll back
08:27Roll back
08:30Detrick you work in sales
08:31Don't you
08:32Come with me
08:33We need to empty
08:34The entire Softies warehouse
08:35Before this story breaks
08:37And that is going to be
08:38A bit difficult
08:39As our buyers have already
08:40Placed their orders for the month
08:41But I'm sure you can handle it
08:43Accountants
08:44Who are the accountants?
08:45You work for both
08:46So you have to go back to
08:47Neutral Switzerland
08:48Thank you very much
08:50Barry
08:51Barry
08:52Yeah
08:53You have seniority
08:55You are in charge
08:56Of everything newspaper
08:59Love that
09:01I guess this leaves
09:02The four of us
09:03To break the story
09:03First order of business
09:05Charlie's Angels
09:06Too sexy for primetime
09:07Have pro and con
09:09On my desk
09:09In 15
09:14Three of us
09:20Cute kid
09:21Congratulations
09:24You know I worry about him
09:27Having a career
09:28Because you see what happens
09:30To these child actors
09:31Well they start heroin
09:34Really early
09:35Like
09:36Sometimes they vomit on you
09:38Then they prostitute themselves
09:40Yes
09:40He doesn't look like
09:42But he will
09:43And then one day
09:44They just stab you in the bed
09:46And that's it
09:47Lot of blood
09:50One down
10:04And each finger is stitched separately
10:06Interesting
10:07You'd think a fiber
10:09This inexpensive
10:09Would disintegrate
10:11But
10:11Can actually withstand
10:12A 95 mile per hour
10:14Ground stroke
10:15It's pretty insane
10:15Right
10:16Yeah
10:16Now would you say
10:18It's flashable
10:19What makes you ask that
10:21Hey
10:21Are you two from the newspaper
10:23Oh
10:24Maybe
10:26Patrick
10:26They say they were big fans
10:27Of fabric science
10:28I just wanted to give him
10:29A demonstration
10:29Damn it Albert
10:30You're the one who's telling me
10:31To be more trusting
10:32With banks
10:33Fellas
10:34I never said that
10:35What's wrong with the
10:35With what paper
10:36What
10:36Do they not have clearance
10:38How was I supposed to know that
10:39Hey
10:39What am I missing
10:40We are running an insane promotion
10:42On man mitts right now
10:44If you want to double
10:44Your usual order
10:45Would I flush these mitts
10:47In my own home
10:47Um
10:48Ma'am
10:49That's a complicated question
10:50My biggest flaws
10:51Are salesmen
10:52Um
10:53Not too many
10:54But
10:54I will say
10:55I can't sell anything
10:56That I don't believe in
10:57And I don't believe
10:58You need a wet glove
10:59To use the bathroom
11:01This is a competitive market
11:02Okay
11:02People will say
11:03All sorts of things
11:04To discredit a best selling wife
11:06You know what I heard
11:07About femdabs
11:07They make you go blind
11:10Hello
11:12Damn it
11:20I aspire to be
11:22The perfect corporate
11:23Yes man
11:25I co-sign
11:26Every single email
11:27I'm cc'd on
11:28Doesn't matter what it says
11:29The important thing is
11:31You get a co-credit
11:32On all the decisions
11:34Being made
11:34And I print out
11:36Every single email
11:37So there's proof
11:38Of my involvement
11:39For when the spoils
11:40Are divvied up
11:41But under
11:42Ned's new media regime
11:44That paper trail
11:46Could absolutely wreck me
11:50Hello Travis
11:51Hello Karen
11:52I was wondering
11:53I was wondering
11:53If I could enlist
11:54Your unsavory services
11:56To get rid of some documents
11:57Well that depends
11:59Are you willing to
11:59Follow me to a second location
12:01Without question
12:02Yes sir
12:02In a third if need be
12:04I'd rather just start in a third
12:06Then maybe move on to a fourth
12:07So the Brit means business
12:09It does
12:10Let's go then
12:10Parking lot
12:11Ten minutes
12:11Be there or be square
12:13Okay
12:14Yeah
12:15Yeah people tend to just trust me
12:18It's something about the
12:19Beard and soft eyes combination
12:22People say I look like
12:24A young Kris Kringle
12:25I've logged you into my old
12:26Softies email account
12:28They cc'd me on basically everything
12:30So there might be something
12:31Interesting in there
12:32You're letting us go through
12:34Your emails
12:35I'd rather set myself on fire
12:37Than let you see my emails
12:38What do I have to hide
12:39Wait what's this
12:41Hey Dante
12:42What's good
12:42How many units did you move
12:43Last week
12:44I don't know
12:44Twenty
12:45Twenty
12:45I moved more units
12:46To trick or treaters
12:47On Halloween
12:48And I live in a cul-de-sac
12:49You clearly don't want it dog
12:52Dante clearly doesn't want it
12:53You can turn this off
12:54What is this
12:55It's
12:57They used to make me do
12:58Motivational sales videos
12:59But you should turn it off
13:01No no can we just watch
13:02Like one minute of it
13:03Please
13:03Alright
13:04I know it's dumb though
13:06So
13:09You all want to know
13:10How to sell like me
13:11Well bad news
13:12I can't tell you that
13:13I can't give you the keys
13:15To this Porsche
13:16It only starts for me
13:17And my fingerprint ignition
13:19You know that wasn't cheap
13:20But here's the thang
13:22Thang
13:23Every one of you
13:24Has your own luxury vehicle
13:26Hidden inside you
13:27You just gotta figure out
13:28What starts
13:29Your engine
13:30So let me hear your engines
13:32Come on
13:35Now open it up
13:36Wow
13:39Alright fine
13:40I know it's a little cheesy
13:41You looked like you
13:42But like
13:43Twenty five percent
13:45Were oily
13:45You looked flammable
13:47Okay yeah
13:48Alright
13:48The hair is a little bit
13:49But the look
13:51Is an important part
13:52You looked like
13:53If Draco Malfoy
13:53Had a cocaine problem
13:56Well
13:57It was a very demanding job
13:58And I made a lot of money
13:59For the company
14:01So maybe we just
14:02Go back to the emails
14:03I'm sorry
14:04I'm sorry
14:04I hurt your feelings
14:06No
14:06No not at all
14:07I like it
14:07I like being ribbed
14:09You look like
14:09Macaulay Culkin
14:10Now
14:12You look like an asshole
14:13I think it's important
14:14That we can all
14:15Make fun of each other
14:15I think it's a really
14:16Fun thing to do
14:17But that's not
14:18Who I am anymore
14:19Okay
14:20Maybe we can just
14:21Move on with our lives
14:22Get back to work
14:23Totally
14:23You look like
14:24If bottle service
14:25Was a person
14:27Sorry
14:27I haven't been able
14:28To get mine in
14:29I don't have all day
14:30To make sure
14:31I got it all
14:32Thanks to kid mitts
14:33I have more time
14:33To be a kid
14:34Maybe now
14:35Try that last line
14:36With a little more
14:37Enthusiasm
14:38Yeah
14:40Thanks to you
14:41With a kid mitts
14:41I have more time
14:42To be a kid
14:42Okay that was great
14:44No no no
14:44Sorry sorry
14:45Do my rewrite
14:46You know
14:47I'm a journalist
14:48I like writing
14:49So yes
14:51Do it
14:51Do it
14:52I was born filthy
14:53In sin
14:54So I'd be under
14:55Not that one
14:56The second one
14:58It's baseball season
15:00And the only stains
15:01My single mom
15:01Should be getting
15:02Out of my pants
15:03Are grass stains
15:03No okay
15:04Just a second
15:05Give me the size
15:07Amore
15:07Just a second
15:08Do you think
15:09We can
15:10Play with
15:10But it's a bit
15:11For the kid
15:12You know
15:12He's a bit
15:13Tense
15:13Okay great
15:15So I am
15:16The young mom
15:17Okay
15:19Hey sweetheart
15:21How was soccer today?
15:24Oh there is a lightning storm
15:26Oh my god
15:33I just switched bodies
15:35With my mom
15:36She has my body now
15:39And I am the beautiful woman
15:41Wow
15:44Oh
15:44This is how it feels
15:46To have clean underwear
15:48Where I am going to spend her money
15:51To buy the wipes
15:52I need to clean myself
15:55I mean this is just one direction
15:57There are many other possibilities
15:59You know
15:59Millions
16:00Millions
16:01Did I say half off?
16:02I meant it's double half off
16:04Then what would you pay
16:06No no no
16:06Wait wait wait
16:09That will be just fine captain
16:11This is good
16:12You gotta go about a half a click further
16:13We're not going any more clicks further
16:14I'm pulling right
16:15This is perfect
16:17Hello moorhands
16:19Those are moorhand ducks
16:20How'd you know that?
16:21Oh I know my ducks
16:22Nice
16:22You love her?
16:23Yeah
16:24Goodbye
16:25Wait
16:26Did you hear that?
16:27No
16:27I don't think we're alone
16:31I think someone's watching us
16:33Who else is here Travis?
16:36Why the hell have you brought us?
16:39Ow!
16:40Right on that tattletales
16:42Hey
16:42We're neutral
16:43Leave us alone
16:46Hey millennials
16:47It's not toilet paper
16:48And if you're just
16:49Possing rolls of paper
16:50At someone's head
16:51There's an art to it
16:54Tedrick!
16:56My family budget
16:58Thanks you
16:58A little more bullying
16:59Maybe
17:00Some tissue boxes
17:01Or diapers
17:02Or something
17:09Aw
17:12Knock it off
17:21Bloody hell
17:22Well
17:23Well well well
17:23Here they all are
17:25I would love to know
17:27What you're all doing here
17:29Ken
17:29We don't have time for this
17:31Because I know
17:32That you wouldn't continue
17:34To write a defamatory piece
17:36About mammoths
17:37Once I had specifically
17:39Forbidden you not to
17:39Our warehouse is still half full
17:42I can't afford your precious conscience
17:43So
17:44By the powers vested in me
17:46By Marv not being here
17:47I declare this article cancelled
17:49The state has shut down the churches
17:51Then the church
17:55Condemns you to hell
17:58Ineffective
17:59The church is out of business
18:05Then I resign
18:06Dude
18:08Do you?
18:10Yeah
18:11I mean it
18:11You shut this article down
18:13And I resign
18:14Well that would be delightful
18:15But have you got the nuts for it?
18:18Oh I have the nuts
18:19Do you?
18:20You want to see my nuts?
18:21I'll show everyone my nuts right now
18:23Excuse me everyone
18:24Can I have everyone's attention?
18:26Anyone who works for the truth teller
18:28Or has ever
18:29You're being a little bit of a hothead right now
18:31Oh well am I a hothead or an oily head?
18:33Make up your mind
18:34Oh my god is that why you're actually mad?
18:36Take a seat
18:36Excuse me everyone
18:37I have something
18:39Very noble to say
18:40Do I have your attention?
18:42Good
18:43Okay
18:43I have to do something very important
18:45Right now
18:46And very very difficult
18:49We didn't ask
18:50To write a story
18:51About the flushability of Softie's man mitts
18:54That story came to us
18:56And it demanded to be told
18:58So now I must do that
19:01Which every newsman dreads
19:03I must sacrifice myself
19:04For the good of the paper
19:06And the community
19:10By resigning as editor-in-chief
19:12Of the Toledo truth teller
19:17If you must shed tears
19:18Do not shed them on my account
19:20Shed them for justice
19:21Because justice has not been served today
19:23As my final act
19:25Before this historic resignation
19:27I hereby appoint Mayor Preeti
19:30As acting editor
19:32Of my beloved truth teller
19:35Heavy lies the crown
19:37Okay Ned
19:39Yeah
19:40Just let me know
19:41Where you want me to send
19:42Your last paycheck
19:47Excuse me
19:48Miss casting person
19:51Oh god
19:52When we read the sites
19:54We couldn't believe it
19:56Mateo
19:57He run into my bed
19:59Crying
20:00Mama
20:00Mama
20:01They wrote my story
20:02This is me
20:04Your mom sure is something
20:06Huh
20:06Yeah
20:09Hey
20:09Did you ever hear of grey rocking
20:12No
20:13Okay
20:13It's what I use on my mom
20:15My mom's a pretty toxic narcissist
20:18She loves drama
20:19So whenever she got into one of her moods
20:22I'd make myself as uninteresting as possible
20:25Like a little grey rock
20:27Grey rocking
20:29Huh
20:31Thank you
20:33Maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved
20:35But I just wanted to give the kid a fighting chance
20:38Oh and the little
20:39I'm like you routine
20:41Don't believe it
20:42My mother was a saint
20:45That old man's a narcissist
20:47If he thinks I'm gonna listen to him
20:48Over my own mom
20:49That guy doesn't buy my Wendy's
21:16Try our new Greek bowl
21:19There's always a bowl isn't there in America
21:21Everything's bowls with you guys
21:23Oh hello
21:25Can we talk
21:26Of course we can
21:27Your prints are all over the man-met's prototype
21:30I champion this
21:32Ken Davies
21:33The innovation we need
21:36Ken Davies
21:37Love it more
21:39Yum yum
21:39Ken Davies
21:40I've been blackmailed by enough women over the years
21:44To know when they're in it for the thrill
21:45And when they actually want something
21:46On with it
21:47I want you to let us publish this
21:49So Ned can unresign
21:52Without looking like a wuss
21:54Listen here darling
21:55If Marv comes back
21:57And there's a warehouse
21:58Full of unsellable toilet mitts
22:00I know
22:00I think the truth teller
22:01Would be the least of his concerns
22:02We're in the same doomed boat honey
22:11I'll let you in in a little secret
22:14I happen to know someone for whom nothing is unsellable
22:18The paper needs you
22:19We need the sales
22:20Ned
22:22The paper needs me
22:25You're the only one who can save us
22:27I wish I was man enough to do it myself
22:32But I'm not
22:34I'm sorry
22:35I just, I think it's the only way
22:41Come on
22:42Go rev up that engine, Samson
22:47I would say don't look at me
22:51They always end up looking
22:53All right
22:56Woo, come on guys
22:57We got some mitts to sell
22:59All eyes on me
23:00These
23:01Are no longer
23:02Wipes for poop
23:03That we flush down the toilet
23:05These
23:05Are kitchen wipes
23:07That you throw in the trash
23:09All right
23:09All purpose
23:10All surface
23:11Sturdy, ergonomic
23:12Kitchen wipes
23:13You got it?
23:14You got it?
23:15Yes
23:15Okay
23:16Stick and sell people
23:17Stick and sell
23:19Loving this Ned
23:20Yes, can I speak to Jeff Arrington, please?
23:24Thank you very much
23:25Hey, Jeff
23:25My name's Ned Samson
23:26I'm here with Softies Corporate
23:28I'm sure that you have heard of us
23:29I've definitely heard of you
23:30Because I work out in your gyms
23:31Five days a week
23:32Jeff
23:33You've changed my life
23:34So I'm about to change yours
23:35Does that sound good?
23:37That sounds great
23:39I could gab all night
23:41But nothing I say is going to compare
23:42With slipping one of these
23:43Miracle kitchen mitts
23:44On your own mitt
23:44And going to town
23:45On a soiled surface
23:45Better yet
23:46I can offer you a 30% discount
23:48If you take a gross right now
23:49Okay
23:50When did you first notice
23:51The sewage smell in your kitchen?
23:53Just the sound of a grain silo, Nicky
23:56Brings me back to my summer job
23:57Just the sound of a nail salon, Lee
24:00It brings me back to my summer job
24:02You're an ultimate frisbee guy?
24:04I'm an ultimate frisbee guy
24:05You're a cutter?
24:06I'm a handler
24:07Sick
24:08Woo!
24:11Woo-hoo!
24:13Okay, and who is responsible
24:14For maintaining the trunk line?
24:16Interesting
24:16It's a chopstick wipe, May
24:18Of course it's a chopstick wipe
24:20That's what it was made for
24:24All right
24:24You can get back next month
24:26Did you say your home
24:28Became a literal hell
24:29Or a living hell?
24:31I just want to hear those two words
24:32I'm in
24:32Say it
24:33Say it
24:33Say it
24:35Beautiful
24:35Woo, yeah
24:38Everybody dance
24:39Everybody dance
24:40Everybody, everybody
24:41Everybody dance
24:41Everybody, everybody
24:42Everybody, everybody
24:43Everybody, everybody
24:44Everybody, everybody
24:44Everybody dance
24:45How did it we get here?
24:47Thank you very much, sir
24:48It's a pleasure doing business with you
24:49Boom!
24:51That's the one
24:52That's the one, baby
24:55Sometimes the best way to serve the paper
24:57Is by publishing an important story
25:00Sometimes
25:01It's by quitting
25:04And sometimes
25:05It is by selling a boatload
25:08Of rebranded kitchen wipes
25:10Today
25:11It was all three
25:20Like father, like son
25:22Kid mitts get the job done
25:26Use mitts go in the trash, not the toilet
25:27The kid is okay
25:29But his mother
25:31Embarrassing, I mean
25:32What's wrong with her?
25:34She has a stiff neck
25:38Excuse me
25:38Can I get your footage for my acting reel?
25:45Can I get your footage?
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