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06:28Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
06:58...in order to relive their own childhoods.
07:00Because in the adult world, no one gives you anything,
07:03so you have to work for every disheveled lunatic who will hire you
07:07until you finally get to collapse into your early grave.
07:10Wow, so inspiring. Merry Christmas!
07:13Okay, that's enough TV.
07:15Glem, Sheila, that jury is gonna eat Kringle up.
07:18I need you guys to come up with some Christmas magic for our side.
07:23You got it. So, Santa sees everything, right?
07:25What if we have him describe the first time Hitler masturbated?
07:29Not that, but also nothing like that.
07:31Irene, dig up any dirt on Kringle you can find.
07:34Nobody is that perfect.
07:35Mm-hmm, sure.
07:36I mean, it'd be stupid to believe this world had any magic in it,
07:39so I'll just go destroy what's left.
07:41Sounds good. I'll pick up, Krimmins.
07:43We've got a hearing to disrupt.
07:52Recordable doorbell, take one.
07:54Shit!
07:55The old doorbell messed up the recording for the new doorbell.
07:58I am gonna kill whoever's out there.
08:00I'm gonna kill whoever's out here!
08:03Oh, Mr. Gum, come in.
08:06I was just making coffee.
08:08Sorry about the mess.
08:10Those damn lazy elves.
08:13Right.
08:15Mr. Krimmins, we should get going.
08:17Kringle's motion is scheduled for this morning.
08:20Nonsense.
08:21There's always time for a tour of Santa's workshop.
08:29These are my daughters.
08:32Shush, Emily!
08:33Sorry.
08:34They just won't stop laughing.
08:38Traps must be full.
08:40I know you're supposed to eat the eggs before they get out of hand,
08:43but who needs all those erections?
08:46Yeah.
08:47Look, Mr. Krimmins,
08:48if we want to win this case,
08:50you're gonna have to be able to make a halfway,
08:52un-terrifying impression on people.
08:55Well, that should be easy.
08:56For the real Santa Claus.
08:59Oh, I'm sorry.
09:01Do you not believe in Santa,
09:03and by extension, not want the money he's offering you?
09:07What?
09:07Of course I do.
09:08He does exist, like the M&M said.
09:11Santa can smell lies, child.
09:14By the time this is over, you'll believe.
09:17You'll all believe.
09:19After all, if I wasn't Santa,
09:21how could I go up this chimney?
09:32This court shall determine which of these men
09:35is the real Santa Claus.
09:38Woo-hoo!
09:39Wait until I tell my brother,
09:41the devil.
09:48Hello?
09:49Oh, hey there.
09:51This is Makila's mom over at Kid Rock Elementary.
09:54Don't you know it?
09:55Makila forgot the dang homework assignment.
09:57Can I talk to Jeffrey for a Michigan minute?
09:59Drop the con, sister.
10:01Makila never forgot a homework assignment in her life.
10:03Who are you?
10:04Name's Irene.
10:05Need the skinny on a fat man.
10:07Goes by Kringle.
10:08Kringle.
10:09There's a name I never wanted to hear again.
10:12You testified for him in Michigan.
10:13Sat on his lap, called him Santa.
10:15I want to know what it cost.
10:16Him or me?
10:18The old man needed a kid
10:19to convince the jury he was Santa.
10:21Told me he'd bring me the gift I've always wanted.
10:24Santa can make any toy, right?
10:26I wanted a custom video game
10:28where my dead dog brambles,
10:29eats my stepdad.
10:30Christmas comes around,
10:32and what's waiting for me under the tree?
10:34Rupert Grint's Fractions dungeon!
10:37An educational game!
10:39That's when I realized I'd been had.
10:42There is no Santa.
10:43Only a stupid baby would think otherwise.
10:47Oh, I see.
10:48Just hit the last stop on the Polar Express, huh?
10:51Why do adults lie and call it love?
10:53Why does Rupert Grint murder Fractions?
10:56Who can say?
10:57Just watch your back, kid.
11:05Jesus Christ!
11:11What the fuck are you doing?
11:14We're making a reindeer fly.
11:16You wanted Christmas magic, dumbass!
11:18This is somehow worse than the Hitler idea.
11:21Irene, please tell me you have some good news.
11:24Well, Kringle lied to a kid in Michigan
11:25to secure his testimony.
11:27That's great.
11:27But other than that, he's squeaky clean.
11:30He's even the face of Christmas Cola,
11:32the only year-round Christmas-themed soda.
11:34Irene, did you sleep?
11:35You look like me
11:36when I make my own Dimatap
11:38out of expired Dimatap.
11:40My brain won't stop going.
11:42What else do I believe that isn't true?
11:44Huh? Huh?
11:44Can doves not actually cry?
11:46Are porn stars not really in love with each other?
11:48Was JFK not assassinated by Patton Oswalt?
11:52Oh, honey.
11:53Everyone knows it was Steve Harvey Oswalt.
11:55What about you, Lincoln?
11:56What's Harry's deal?
11:57Uh, he's great, too.
11:59Also, donates children to hospitals.
12:01Keep digging.
12:02There must be something.
12:03Is thunder not God bowling?
12:05Did David Bowie not really go live on a farm upstate?
12:09Is Andrea even Meachie?
12:13Ladies and gentlemen,
12:14what makes a name legal?
12:15Some people go by Jim,
12:17but are secretly named James.
12:19All that matters
12:20is that a name be recognized
12:22by the U.S. government.
12:24Bring him in, boys!
12:29Each address to Santa Claus.
12:31Therefore, the Post Office,
12:32a branch of the federal government,
12:34recognizes this man, Kris Kringle,
12:37to be the one and only Santa Claus.
12:39Well, I'm convinced.
12:41Mr. Gum, you're opening arguments.
12:44I want to tell you the story of another man.
12:47A man named Glem.
12:49Yellow.
12:50Glem recently received this mug,
12:52reading World's Greatest Grandpa.
12:55Glem, are you the world's greatest grandpa?
12:57Nope.
12:58You see, ladies and gentlemen,
12:59just because something is written down
13:01doesn't make it true.
13:03Objection.
13:03Relevance.
13:04Anyone can buy a mug.
13:05Except that Glem received this particular mug
13:08during his time in federal prison.
13:10Also hand-delivered by a federal employee.
13:14Glem, what were you in for?
13:16I auctioned off my grandson's diary
13:18to foreign perverts.
13:21Do these sound like the actions
13:22of the world's greatest grandpa?
13:25No!
13:34Delivery from Monsieur Kris Kringle.
13:39I think Denver's gonna go all the way this year.
13:41Unless they're bums.
13:42Then Baltimore will go all the way.
13:43Hey, delivery person,
13:45what are your sports opinions?
13:47Sorry, I don't watch mainstream sports
13:49because of the politics.
13:50Now that's an adult opinion!
14:02Insider trading?
14:03Illegitimate kids?
14:05A picture where he's eating Chinese food
14:07at a movie theater
14:08while holding a calendar
14:09that says December 25th?
14:11This is exactly the kind of dirt
14:12Uncle Lincoln needs.
14:14To destroy the magic of Santa
14:15for kids everywhere.
14:16Hey, wait a minute!
14:18Sports have always been inherently political!
14:20Let's go!
14:51Uh, boo suede shoes!
14:54Blank boo!
14:55Blank boo very much!
14:56Another round for my best customers
14:58who I love so much!
15:01Thanks, Mr. O'Raviolio!
15:03All right, guys,
15:04the trial started off well,
15:05but we really lost some ground in testimony.
15:08The best part about being Santa
15:10is bringing joy to children
15:12all over the world!
15:14The best part about being Santa
15:16is turning into an owl
15:18so I can watch married women fold laundry.
15:22Okay, but have you seen
15:24a married woman fold laundry?
15:27I know that's right.
15:28Uh, Sheila,
15:29we could really use some magic here.
15:32Do you have anything?
15:33I know!
15:34You know how there's lots of suicides
15:35on Christmas?
15:36Maybe!
15:37Uh, look, Lincoln,
15:40I'm trying my best,
15:41but Christmas magic
15:41is just too wholesome for me.
15:43Yep, I think I'm gonna bail on this
15:45being the thing I'm doing this week.
15:46What the hell, Sheila?
15:48Sorry.
15:48Hey, Glem,
15:49wanna go play Halloween pranks
15:50on Steve Nichols?
15:51Do I?
15:52Pranken's my middle name!
15:54Actually, Pranken,
15:55which is German for
15:56God has forsaken this child.
15:59Great.
16:00Glem and Sheila are off doing pranks,
16:02my investigator still believes in Santa,
16:04and I'm on my own.
16:05Again,
16:05can I have one employee
16:07who doesn't need babysitting?
16:09You want grown-ups?
16:11Fine.
16:11Irene,
16:12are you even allowed
16:13to be in here?
16:15Oh, why?
16:16Because I'm a naive kid, right?
16:19Well, I guess you don't need
16:20this naive kid's evidence.
16:22Starting now,
16:23I'm 100% adult.
16:25I'm gonna read free articles
16:27in the incognito window,
16:28listen to cutesy murder podcasts,
16:31and use GIFs when I text.
16:33Irene, no!
16:34Santa,
16:35how did you get into
16:36the science lab
16:37here at Boston Public?
16:39Wow, I am really scraping
16:41the bottom of the barrel here.
16:43Why?
16:44Through the famous
16:44Boston Public Chimney,
16:46of course!
16:48That's it!
16:49The general area!
16:52That's the story
16:53of the first time
16:55Adolf Hitler
16:56masturbated.
16:58No more questions,
16:59Your Honor.
17:02Okay, Harry,
17:02I know this case
17:03has been bumpy.
17:04How so?
17:05But I've got a plan.
17:06Watch.
17:07Your Honor,
17:08I call
17:08for a Santa off.
17:10Yeah,
17:11good idea.
17:13Oh,
17:13that's probably
17:14what we should have done
17:15to begin with.
17:16I'll allow it!
17:17T'was the night
17:19before Christmas
17:20when all through the castle
17:21my monsters
17:23were having
17:23a yuletide hassle.
17:25The tree was all
17:26trimmed in ghoulish things
17:28like werewolf fangs
17:30and vampire wings.
17:33They were up to no good.
17:37Didn't act like
17:38good monsters should.
17:41They found themselves
17:42a new grave.
17:44They planned to rob
17:45Santa's slave.
17:47They were making a li-
17:48What are you guys
17:49doing up there?
17:50Lunch ended an hour ago.
17:52Everyone's waiting for you
17:53at the Santa off.
17:55They were up to no good.
17:59Didn't act like
18:00good monsters should.
18:02They found themselves
18:04a new grave.
18:05They planned to rob
18:07Santa's slave.
18:09The mummy was to signal
18:10from the castle roof
18:12that the very first
18:13sound of a re-
18:23Is it me?
18:25Or are we the best
18:26pranksters on Earth?
18:28Right?
18:29But pranking Steve
18:29is like shooting fish
18:30in a barrel.
18:31And I stopped going
18:32to that place
18:32a week after it opened.
18:33I know what you mean.
18:34It's almost like
18:36it's not even
18:37worth pranking.
18:39Unless you prank
18:40the very best.
18:43We tied the Santa off.
18:45It all comes down
18:46to closing arguments.
18:47I've got one last chance
18:49to save the case,
18:50my credibility,
18:51and whatever's left
18:52of Irene's childhood.
18:53Yeah, we were supposed
18:55to get away to Orlando
18:57one of these weekends,
18:58but you know Dennis.
18:59He has to watch his rugby.
19:02One sec.
19:03Why is my childhood crush
19:04calling me?
19:05Isaiah Dandridge
19:06from home...
19:08You fell for the old
19:10spring-loaded blade
19:11in a cell phone
19:12and also childhood crush
19:13not actually calling trick.
19:15All right,
19:16not bad, Glim.
19:17Say,
19:18you haven't touched
19:19your drink.
19:20Maybe I'll get
19:21a fresh one.
19:24Ha ha!
19:25$3,000 ejector seat prank,
19:27you rube.
19:27That drink was
19:28a red heron.
19:30Yep.
19:31Pufferfish toxin.
19:33Good sponsor for two,
19:34Mr. Brother-Doo.
19:40Mind if I join you?
19:42Mr. Kringle,
19:43I don't think
19:44we're supposed
19:44to be talking.
19:45Yes.
19:46Bit naughty of me,
19:48isn't it?
19:48I won't tell
19:49if you don't.
19:51Quite a show
19:52you put on today.
19:53Why are you wasting
19:55your talents
19:55defending that
19:56syphilitic burnout?
19:58Look, dude,
19:58some lawyers
19:59get to pick
20:00their clients.
20:01I gotta work
20:01for whichever
20:02Santa will have me.
20:04Ho, ho!
20:04Is that all?
20:06Well,
20:07anyone could
20:08be your client.
20:09What are you saying?
20:10You don't really
20:11believe in yourself,
20:13do you?
20:13All the hustling,
20:14the ambulance chasing,
20:16wondering if each job
20:17might be your last.
20:18Christmas Cole
20:19is looking for
20:19new in-house counsel.
20:21High six figures,
20:22corner office.
20:23All you have to do
20:24is the right thing.
20:26Are you trying to
20:27bribe me into
20:27throwing the case?
20:28I've shown you
20:29how the world works.
20:30There was no Santa
20:32until I made him real.
20:33me.
20:35That's power.
20:36And that power
20:37can be a gift,
20:38Lincoln,
20:38to little boys
20:39who behave.
20:42Wow.
20:43Big old wow.
20:44Everything I told
20:45Irene about the
20:46shittiness of the
20:47adult world
20:47is because of
20:49guys like you.
20:50This city's kids
20:51deserve a better
20:52Santa.
20:53Irene deserves better.
20:55I don't know
20:56the people in your life.
20:57You sound just like
20:58Sheila.
20:58You know,
20:59Crimmins might be nuts,
21:00but at least he
21:01actually believes
21:02in something.
21:03And so do I.
21:04That I'm gonna kick
21:05your ass in court
21:06tomorrow.
21:06Merry Christmas,
21:07asshole.
21:08It's October 30th.
21:10Well, then
21:10happy Halloween,
21:11good sir.
21:15I feel like a new
21:16man, Harry.
21:17Did three ghosts
21:18visit you, too?
21:19No, but I'm ready
21:21to give a passionate
21:22closing argument
21:22that will win over
21:23that jury and make
21:24you Santa.
21:25Great.
21:26Love your energy,
21:27except instead,
21:28I'm gonna give my own
21:29closing argument.
21:30What?
21:31But we'll lose.
21:32I'll lose.
21:33Irene will fully commit
21:34to this boring
21:35millennial adult
21:36shtick she's doing.
21:38Lincoln,
21:39you took this case
21:40because you didn't
21:41believe in yourself
21:42or Santa.
21:44But you kept going
21:45because deep down,
21:46you knew there is
21:47magic in this world,
21:49and that's worth
21:49fighting for.
21:50All I'm asking for
21:52is one more leap.
21:55For anyone in this
21:57courtroom who still
21:58doesn't believe,
21:59Mr. Crimmins,
22:00I mean,
22:00Santa Claus,
22:01will give his own
22:02closing statement.
22:06I owe your honor
22:07an apology.
22:09There was a gift
22:10you wanted,
22:11wasn't there?
22:11Something very special.
22:13One Christmas,
22:15you looked under the tree
22:16and it wasn't there.
22:17You haven't believed
22:18in me since.
22:19Well, I was rummaging
22:21through my workshop
22:23and I found something
22:24I'd like to give you
22:25before you make
22:26your decision.
22:27Something I should
22:28have given you
22:29all those Christmases ago.
22:37It can be.
22:39It's impossible.
22:40Here it is.
22:41The very gift
22:43I always wanted.
22:44$30,000.
22:47What?
22:48And if the jurors
22:50will please look
22:51under their chairs,
22:52I believe they'll
22:53find some gifts as well.
22:54Sorry, they're
22:55a little late.
22:57$25,000.
23:00$18,000.
23:01$40,000?
23:04Oh, Santa,
23:05you really did get
23:06my letter.
23:06You really, truly did.
23:08Your Honor,
23:09only the real Santa
23:10could know the gifts
23:10that all these people
23:11secretly wanted.
23:13Agree.
23:13Jury, you agree.
23:14Great.
23:15This court rules
23:16in favor of Mr. Crimmons,
23:17Nevada's one
23:18and only
23:19Santa Claus.
23:20We object.
23:21This is open bribery.
23:23Oh, spoken like
23:24a true Scrooge.
23:25Mr. Cringle,
23:26you are dismissed.
23:33Hello, everybody.
23:34Okay, okay,
23:35calm down.
23:36Well, today,
23:37I, George Wallace,
23:38mayor of Las Vegas,
23:40I grant Harry Crimmons,
23:42a.k.a.
23:42Santa Claus,
23:43the key to the city.
23:46This, of course,
23:47represents a smaller,
23:48real key to the city,
23:49the real key to the city.
23:50Harry and his duties
23:51as Santa Claus
23:52can use to enter
23:54any of our houses
23:55at any time.
23:56I'm gonna get
23:57real weird with it, too.
23:59Vegas Santa says,
24:00give Daddy
24:01a bowl of your tea.
24:02Ah, woo, woo, woo!
24:04Ha, ha!
24:05Huh.
24:05Didn't know I was helping
24:06with that part.
24:07Sorry, Irene.
24:08There's nothing stupid
24:09about believing in things.
24:10I know.
24:11In fact,
24:12you proved Santa is real.
24:13And he's a freak.
24:15Ha, ha, ha, ha.
24:15The world is full of magic,
24:17just in a gross-and-off-putting way.
24:19Welcome to being a grown-up.
24:22Hey, Chris,
24:23for what it's worth,
24:24you really do look
24:25just like Santa.
24:26Fuck you, Lincoln Gum.
24:27I am Santa.
24:30Nevada can kiss
24:31my bowl full of jelly ass.
24:34Hyah!
24:40Goodbye, Santa!
24:42Goodbye, Lord Kong!
24:44Hey, what's wrong with Glem?
24:45Oh, he's up to his tits
24:47on peyote.
24:50What about that dude?
24:52Is he okay?
24:55Probably not.
24:56Anyway,
24:57now to drop Glem off
24:58at Vegas's scariest haunted house.
25:00Happy Halloween
25:01from the Bride of Frankenstein!
25:03Oh, yeah,
25:04it's Halloween.
25:05Pretty unsatisfying
25:06how I've been focusing
25:07on Christmas all week.
25:08Oh, well.
25:11Trick-or-street!
25:12Sorry,
25:13I don't have any candy.
25:14Grim Blorchman
25:15sends his wiggards!
25:18They were up to no good.
25:22You didn't act like
25:23good monsters you should.
25:25I found themselves new.
25:28in the Rock Lloyd West.
25:58There is no good block
26:58...
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