- 3 hours ago
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00:03Oh, man, this thing drives unbelievable.
00:06Got the power, the handling.
00:07Woo, this is pure American engineering right here.
00:10Yeah, I don't know, Mark.
00:12Don't you think the car's a little wide?
00:15Yeah, the girth is the signature design feature of the Dodge Chode.
00:18Never felt so connected to the road.
00:20Yeah, because you take up all of it.
00:22Whoa, come on, man.
00:24I hate these frickin' cyclists riding around like they own the road.
00:27We get it, pal, okay?
00:29You're saving a planet.
00:30Not everyone wants to drive a storage unit on wheels, Mark.
00:33Of course they do, Tam.
00:34Driving an unnecessarily huge car, that's the American dream.
00:38You know, in some cultures, it's considered rude to take up so much space.
00:41Yeah, well, those places are dumb.
00:43Wow, Mark, so open-minded.
00:45Such a man of the world.
00:46What the hell are you talking about, Tam?
00:48I have been to every single country in Epcot twice.
00:51Uh, careful, Mark.
00:52Uh, the red light's out.
00:53Ah, don't worry, Hank, okay?
00:55It's all good.
00:55We are ensconced in a protective cocoon of thick American steel.
01:00Boom.
01:00Oh, my God!
01:03Ah, damn it.
01:04Frickin' cyclists.
01:07Well, I used to work at a hot-thaw factory
01:10Until them robots came along
01:12And now there is no doubt for me
01:14But I get $3,000 a month
01:16Thanks to you, the odd
01:20Now we're universal basic guys
01:24It may not sound like much
01:26But we're still gonna try
01:29We're just universal basic guys
01:34Uh, Your Honor, if I may
01:39Um, so when a traffic light goes out
01:41The rules of the road
01:42Become the rules of the jungle, okay?
01:44The cars, they're the lions
01:46And the bikes, they're gazelles
01:48Objection, there are no gazelles in the jungle
01:50Overruled
01:51Mr. Hoagies, where are you going with this?
01:52Yeah, so, uh, buses
01:54Dirty elephants
01:55And trucks
01:56They are
01:58They're the rhinos
01:59All right, that's enough
01:59Though if we were to continue
02:01Let the record reflect that motorcycles are hyenas
02:04I'll allow it
02:04Mr. Hoagies, normally you'd be facing jail time at a steep fine
02:07Lucky for you, I'm a creative judge
02:09Who believes in teaching profound lessons with quirky sentences
02:12Hence, it's my opinion
02:13That the best way for you to learn to share the road with cyclists
02:16Is for you to become one
02:17What does that mean, exactly?
02:19I'm suspending your license for two weeks
02:21During that time, your sole method of transportation will be a bicycle
02:26Oh, come on, are you serious?
02:27Might as well just throw me in front of the firing squad
02:30Hey, would you shut up?
02:31This sentence is a joke
02:32You could be going to jail
02:33No, I don't think you understand, okay?
02:35Do we have an attorney-client privilege?
02:37Yeah, of course
02:38I don't know how to ride a bike, okay?
02:40Wait, hold on
02:41You can't ride a bike?
02:42You can't ride a bike?
02:43Hell, dude
02:43Uh, of course I know how to ride a bike
02:46I just, I don't want to
02:48Then you won't be going anywhere
02:49Case adjourned
02:50Um, excuse me
02:51Aren't I supposed to be compensated for my injuries?
02:54You'll be compensated by watching Mr. Hoagies learn a valuable lesson
02:59Um, I'd like to request a less quirky judge
03:05Leanne just posted another sad Instagram
03:08I think she's depressed about the divorce
03:11I should reach out
03:12Just take her to Atlantic City to get a hammer and make bad choices
03:15Uh, no, Mark
03:16She doesn't need to party
03:17She needs to heal
03:18As a fellow divorcee
03:20I feel like I got an obligation to guide her through this
03:23Oh, come on
03:24Hey, hon
03:24Uh, you mind, uh, picking me up some more, uh, PB banana balls?
03:28No, I gotta go to work
03:29Why don't you just take Darren's bike?
03:31Uh, because it's an outdated and inferior mode of transport?
03:34Wow
03:34You know, that doesn't sound like someone who's open-minded
03:37Yeah, would you stop saying that, okay?
03:39My mind is so open, it's gaping
03:42Ugh, disgusting
03:45Ah, come on, stupid
03:47Hey, Mork
03:48Whoa, I don't think I've ever seen you actually ride a bike
03:50Are you serious, Hank?
03:52Okay, I rode a ton before you were born, okay?
03:54It's just...
03:55It's been a while
03:57See you later, Hank
03:58Whoa, damn it
03:59If you, uh, need help, you know, uh, I'd be happy to teach you
04:03I know how to ride a bike, okay?
04:04Just gotta get my muscle memory back
04:06There we go, there we go
04:08All right, fine
04:12I'm such a mess right now
04:14Last night I almost bought a machine gun online
04:16Because I thought I heard a bear in the house
04:18Ugh, hey, divorce is rough, I've been there
04:21You know, the best thing I did was stop mourning what I lost
04:24And start celebrating what's next
04:26Surround yourself with people who love you
04:28Say yes to new things
04:30Yes, I love that
04:32We should totally do a divorce lorette party
04:34Wait, what?
04:35You're a genius
04:36It's exactly what I need
04:38We'll go to AC
04:39Do some tequila shots
04:41Make some bad decisions
04:43Leanne, no, that's not...
04:44I'll text you a list of my girls
04:46So you can coordinate
04:47Oh
04:49Thank you, Tammy
04:50You're seriously the best ever
04:52Yeah, happy to help
04:55Yeah, I'm doing it
04:56I'm riding a bike
04:57Yeah, you're doing great
04:58Oh yeah
04:59Could already feel my core strength building, okay?
05:01Just gotta dial in my lactic acid threshold
05:04So I can maintain peak performance
05:06Uh, okay
05:07Uh, you wanna try taking the training wheels off?
05:09Uh, they're not training wheels, Hank, okay?
05:11These are high-performance, traction, stabilizers
05:15Tammy thinks I'm not open-minded to new things
05:18Well, look at me now
05:22Friggin' automobiles
05:23Yo, check it out, Hank
05:25Bike path
05:26Uh, but it says expert riders only
05:28Cycling isn't about experience, Hank
05:30It's about mindset
05:31Uh-oh
05:32Just stay calm
05:34I got it
05:34Ooh
05:35Okay, you gotta, uh
05:37Better the brakes
05:41Yeah, you all right?
05:44I think so
05:44That was scary
05:45Nah, nah, I was in complete command
05:47Whoa
05:48Dude, what the
05:55Holy mack-a-friggin'-ronie
05:59Yo, this place is quaint as hell
06:01It's like if mini-golf was a town
06:04Ooh, cave
06:05That sounds interesting
06:07Damn, dude, this place is classic
06:09This might be the original Panera
06:10Hello, und welcome
06:11Wait, you are new here?
06:13Uh, yeah, Mark Hoagy's
06:14Uh, this is my brother, Hank
06:15Nice spot you got here, bud
06:16Ah, danke
06:18I'm Christophel, owner of this cafe
06:20Gotta say, you know, I've lived in Glantown my whole life
06:22I never really knew this place existed
06:24Well, we have no motorways here
06:25So we don't get many visitors
06:26How did you find us?
06:28Oh, I just, uh, rode my bike down a little trail right there
06:31Are you crazy?
06:31That is the Krag
06:32The most challenging descent in all of Glantontown
06:35Wow, you must be a very dedicated cyclist
06:39Yeah, I mean, you could say I'm a bit of a cycling fanatic, so
06:41Yeah, he's almost ready to take off his training wheel
06:43Ooh, could I offer you espresso?
06:45Oh, nice, dude
06:46It's one of those, uh, tiny little European baby coffees
06:50Ooh, it's a little strong
06:52So, uh, what's the deal with this place?
06:54Little the Netherlands was founded by families of the original Dutch settlers
06:58Who were frustrated to see what Glantontown was becoming
07:00Chain restaurants and big box stores
07:03Giant parking lots filled with obnoxious, oversized SUVs
07:07Oh, I'm right there with you, dude
07:08It's ridiculous
07:09So, we withdrew to the woods
07:11And founded a slower-paced, European-style community
07:13Built around the most efficient, civilized mode of transportation ever conceived
07:17The bicycle
07:18Nice, dude, yeah, sounds like my kind of place
07:21Wonderful
07:21Would you like a singing tour of our little town?
07:24Oh, yeah, dude, let's do it
07:25Let me guide you through the wonders of our cycling paradise
07:29Cute little shops, fine tulip crops
07:31Windmills are spinning in the sky
07:32Struvaffles, apple tots, limber pie
07:35Here, have a slice
07:36Our portions may be half the size
07:38But they still are twice the price
07:39Let go in its kleiner Netherlands
07:46Let go to little the Netherlands
07:52You don't have to tip ourselves
07:54No, they earn a living wage
07:56But that's also why you may not get your check for several days
07:59Our taxes pay for healthcare
08:01So we make it to old age
08:03Then we offer euthanasia
08:04And a lovely painted grave
08:06Welcome to little the Netherlands
08:14Welcome to little the Netherlands
08:23I gotta say, it's actually not bad
08:25Eh, I don't know
08:26It looks kind of like bait
08:27Oh, no way
08:28Is that one of those caricature guys?
08:30Oh, man, those guys are hysterical
08:32All right, can you do me as James Bond ride in a snowmobile?
08:36No
08:36All right, well, just take it easy on me, all right?
08:38Guy on a boardwalk, he went a little nuts on the unibrow
08:42Whoa, what's that?
08:43That's little the red light district
08:45Oh, wow
08:46Hey, Mark, I'm gonna go find something to fix that traffic light
08:49Sounds good
08:52Yoo-hoo
08:54Hello, handsome
08:55Oh, hey
08:56You look like someone who knows how to stop traffic
08:59Oh, you are quite the charmer
09:00Are you interested in the ultimate red light experience?
09:04Oh, yeah, that'd be great
09:05I might, uh, also need some help getting it up
09:08Oh, don't worry
09:10I'll handle that
09:12Let me tell you
09:13I've been to basically all the countries, okay?
09:15China, Morocco
09:17I even did Norway before it became the Frozen ride
09:19But this place might be my favorite country in the world
09:22And it's right here in Glantown
09:24You are clearly a man of worldly sophistication
09:26You will fit in well here
09:28Appreciate that, bud
09:29You know, it's nice to, uh, finally be seen
09:31As the cultured, worldly man that I am
09:34Hey, dude
09:34Is it possible to, uh, add some Wolverine claws to my knuckles here?
09:38Kristoffel?
09:40Who is your friend?
09:42Oh, this is Mark
09:43He is from outer Glantontown
09:45Sup, dude
09:46Like the bib
09:47Mark, this is Grundmeister
09:49He is the town Dorpsburgmeister
09:51Oh, yeah
09:52You're the, uh, the Dorpsburgmeister?
09:55Oh, man
09:55Love the setup here, man
09:56This place is classic
09:57Yes, it is
09:58And we intend to keep it that way
10:01Man, what's that guy's deal?
10:02Grantmeister is very protective of our traditional Dutch way of life
10:06This is why he closed our only road to town
10:08Ah, shame, man
10:09I feel like, uh, people would get a real kick out of this place
10:12Okay, here you go
10:14Not bad, eh?
10:16Eh, could be funnier
10:18So you're saying we only get bottomless Mai Tais if we rent a VIP cabana?
10:23Hey, where do we keep the tiny cups?
10:24Look in the top cabinet
10:25Got it, all right
10:27Then let's go ahead and reserve that
10:28Thank you
10:29Oh, come on
10:29Isio, this is literally the only petite thing in here
10:32I don't know
10:32Just use a mug
10:33Uh, yeah, no thanks
10:34Okay, not everything needs to be supersized
10:37What'd you do to your hair?
10:39You looked like diabetic He-Man
10:41Oh, well, it's quite popular at the cute little European enclave I chanced upon
10:46You know, it's pretty incredible what you discover when you're untethered by roads
10:50Ugh, Leanne wants me to make everyone custom dime bags
10:53This is a frickin' disaster
10:55I tried to give Leanne advice and somehow I got roped into planning a two-day bender
11:00All right, well, clearly you're stressed
11:01Maybe you should take a break and, uh, you know, get some perspective
11:04Ugh, yeah, sure
11:06What are hands?
11:07Yeah, uh, I was thinking somewhere a little more, uh, worldly
11:12I mean, don't get me wrong
11:13I got a lot of respect for Mr. Met
11:15But, you know, the fanatic man, he's on another level
11:19Wow, that's so interesting
11:21Okay, Mr. Hank, we're out of time
11:23Oh, but, uh, you didn't even show me the red lights
11:26Yeah, if you want to come back tomorrow, I will be here
11:28All right, see you then
11:29Uh, there is just a matter of payment
11:32Payment?
11:32Did I buy something?
11:33200 per hour plus 600 for the overnight
11:36That will be 5,425 gilders
11:40Uh, yeah, that cheese is legit, right?
11:44I gotta say, this place is adorable
11:47I love all the Danish stuff
11:48Uh, Dutch dam, okay?
11:50This is little of the Netherlands, not little, uh, Dane land
11:53You know, this place would be perfect for Leanne's divorced Lorette
11:57It's exactly the right energy she needs to start her healing journey
12:00Charming, peaceful, temptation-free
12:03Yeah, thing is, you know, they're not really big on tourists
12:06Uh, aren't you a tourist?
12:08Actually, uh, the locals have kind of taken me in as one of their own
12:10You know, I think they, uh, they see me for who I really am
12:13A refined, open-minded man of the world
12:16Oh, look at that guy, Mark
12:18He's straight out of Shrek
12:20Hmm, maybe you gotta chill with the pics
12:21Oh, no way, this is going on my story
12:24Oh, I wanna see if that hat shop sells bedazzled tulip hats
12:27Hey, can we get our bill?
12:29Been waiting forever over here
12:30Whoa, whoa, Tam, Tam, what are you doing?
12:32Why? Nobody's checked on us in like 30 minutes
12:35All right, well, in certain cultures, you know, it's considered rude to be in a rush
12:38Okay, well, in our culture, it's rude to keep your customers waiting
12:42Yoo-hoo! Can we get the check over here?
12:44All right, you know, uh, maybe this isn't really your scene
12:47What's that supposed to mean?
12:48Well, it's just, you know, you're being very American right now
12:51We're literally in America
12:52Oh, man, typical American thinking the whole world revolves around you
12:57You know, I'm impressed
12:58You've only been riding a bike for three days and you're already insufferable
13:04Frickin' Americans
13:07Oh, man, there she goes again
13:13Frickin' Elsky laying the bonk on Windwobble, man
13:16It gets me every time
13:17You like the pop-in theater?
13:19Oh, my God, dude, it's hysterical
13:21Man, Hank would love this
13:23Wait a minute, where's Hank?
13:24Hey, Grumps, uh, you see my brother?
13:26Oh, yes! We put him in prison
13:28Wait, what?
13:35Hank?
13:36You all right?
13:36Oh, man, I want to go home, Mark
13:38I hear you, but, I mean, honestly, it doesn't look that bad, dude
13:41It's like a five-star hotel
13:42Is that a bidet?
13:43Oh, you don't understand, Mark
13:44They don't have hot dogs
13:46Just like these, uh, weird fancy, uh, venison sausages
13:49And the mustard has seeds
13:52Oh, boy, all right
13:53Hold tight
13:54I'm gonna get you out of here, bud
13:55Yo, can I just pay whatever the hell he owes?
13:57Failure to pay a sex worker is a serious violation here
14:00Uh, sure, but I just feel like, you know, life in prison's a bit much
14:04I mean, can you at least get him some hot dogs?
14:06I mean, he's already having withdrawal symptoms
14:08Well, there is one option that would grant him immediate release
14:11You simply bring a tulip to the queen
14:14Oh, hell yeah
14:14I knew it was gonna be some weird little Dutch thing
14:17Yeah, where's she at?
14:18In her castle
14:19Right over there
14:20All you need to do is cross that bridge
14:22On your bike
14:26Oh, uh, gotcha
14:28Yeah
14:33Someone's smoking cigarettes
14:35They're clothes
14:36Please put that out
14:38Okay, Mom
14:39Maybe we should focus on helping Leanne heal
14:43Totally
14:44Okay, Leanne, the first thing we need to do is shut down the sad thoughts
14:48Best way, pre-game with shots of 151 and black out immediately
14:52I love that
14:54You know, Leanne, there's a free sunrise breathwork meditation on the beach tomorrow morning
15:01Yeah, totally
15:04Or we could get matching underboob tattoos up
15:10You know, I think I'm gonna walk this one
15:15Uh, uh, bikes only
15:18Shouldn't be a problem for an experienced bike rider like yourself
15:22Uh, yeah, so here's the thing
15:24You know, my bike's still in the shop, so
15:26Actually, good news
15:27It is repaired
15:28The feature marker was even nice enough to reattach your training wheels
15:35Mark?
15:36Training wheels?
15:37But I thought you were experienced
15:39Uh, yeah, I am, okay?
15:40The real ones know that training wheels actually make riding more challenging, okay?
15:45It's like running with weights
15:46Well, then, let's make it easier
15:50All right, appreciate that, yeah
15:52Well, love to stay in chat, but I've got a date with the queen
15:59All right, you got this
16:05Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
16:06Oh, there's it
16:10Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots!
16:13Woo!
16:13Hey, girls!
16:14My drug dealer just texted
16:16We get 30% off if we hide his guns in our room
16:19Oh, my God
16:20Okay, enough
16:23I love you, hon
16:24But I cannot let you do this to yourself
16:26What?
16:26This is exactly what I need right now
16:28I can assure you
16:29This is the last thing you need right now
16:31Don't listen to her, Leanne
16:33You deserve this
16:34Oh, my God, you're totally
16:35Actually, what she deserves is friends who don't enable self-destructive behavior
16:39So buckle up, bitches
16:41We're going on a healing journey
16:45What the hell are you doing?
16:47You put me in charge, so now I'm taking charge
16:50Where are we going?
16:51Somewhere a little more culturally elevating
16:56He does not belong here
16:58Maybe he does not have the cycling skills, he claims
17:00But he has embraced our way of life
17:04He even added an extra A to his name
17:06No, no, no, no, no
17:07It starts with one tourist
17:10But before you know it, your cafe will be replaced by a Starbucks
17:14A Shoemaker will become a Foot Locker
17:17A Queen's Castle
17:19A Ripley's, believe it or not
17:23All right, listen
17:24Sure, maybe I don't know how to ride a bike
17:27And yeah, maybe the only reason I did was because it was court mandated
17:31But at least I tried to open my mind to something new
17:35Maybe you could do the same about normal American stuff
17:39I know you all think we're a bunch of lazy, wasteful, selfish idiots
17:43Who get their news from Facebook memes
17:45And yeah, maybe we are
17:47But that doesn't mean we don't have some good things, too
17:50Riding a bike, it's great
17:52But sometimes, it's nice to just park your big-ass car
17:55In a big-ass parking lot of some big-ass department store
17:58Where you can buy a bunch of random crap made in China
18:01I mean, what's the point of being all cultured
18:03If you're just going to be smug and elitist about it
18:06Because in the end, isn't that what being open-minded is all about?
18:09Taking the best things from all cultures
18:14Well, that was enlightening
18:17I think our American friend made a really compelling case
18:21For why we do not allow...
18:23Watch out!
18:23Pull! Pull!
18:25Pull us!
18:28Oh, my God!
18:30This place is redonk
18:32Is this where they shot Beauty and the Beast?
18:34I know!
18:35Like, I'm literally Emily in Paris right now
18:38Oh, my God!
18:39Are those tanning boots?
18:41Where are we even?
18:43Little Danish land?
18:44No frickin' way
18:46Okay, Leanne, I'm telling you
18:48This is the perfect place to recenter and find inner peace
18:53Leanne?
18:58I've got the milk from the well
19:01Ah, screw it
19:03Guards! Deport these heathens!
19:12Mork, you came back
19:13Of course I did
19:15Wouldn't you?
19:16Yeah!
19:19Hell yeah
19:21Someone get a pic of me on this giant fan!
19:24Guards!
19:25Stop this madness!
19:28Someone do something!
19:29You know, maybe you should be more open-minded about this tourist thing
19:33I mean, I do spend a lot of money
19:37Thanks
19:38Oop!
19:39I need another one
19:40Oh, my God!
19:42Are you like an artist or something?
19:44I would literally give you $1,000 for that
19:47So they just spend money
19:49But they do not stay
19:51Exactly
19:52And you know, with this revenue
19:54We could finally add a spa to the prison gym
19:57Can I help you?
20:00You look like an albino mushroom
20:03Okay
20:04It's so hot
20:09So, uh, what happened to Atlantic City?
20:12I, uh, decided to take Leanne somewhere more cultured
20:16You know, so she wouldn't do anything self-destructive
20:21I guess you can lead a horse to water
20:23But you can't make it not do tequila shots
20:25Well, I'm glad you showed up
20:27Turns out, this isn't really my scene
20:29Oh, really?
20:30Yeah, you know, travel really opens your eyes
20:32To just how close-minded every culture is
20:35Hey, guys!
20:36I think Ashley just died in the tanning bed
20:44Wow, so many options
20:47My mind, it spins
20:49I can't believe you've never been to a Woe Woes
20:52Well, I have spent my whole life thinking I had everything I needed
20:56Turns out I was just too scared to see what else is out there
21:01I am going to try one of these hoagies
21:03Sounds good, babe
21:04Leanne?
21:06Steve?
21:07Who's the pilgrim?
21:09His name is Grump Meester
21:11Grump Meester?
21:13The hell kind of name is that?
21:15He's Dutch
21:16Yeah, all right, all right, all right
21:17Anyway, I gotta get out of here
21:19I'm meeting up with some chick from Tinder for a little Hulu and chill
21:22Have fun with that
21:23Who is that guy?
21:24Nobody
21:25You want an Italian shorty?
21:27No
21:29No, I don't
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