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00:04Hi, everybody.
00:05Thanks for coming to the world premiere
00:07of my prestige documentary, Universal Basic Guys.
00:11Thank you. Thank you, everyone.
00:13It's always been my dream to make award-winning documentaries.
00:17I want to give a quick shout-out to my AD, Jared Bouchard,
00:20who was the first and only person to respond to my Facebook post.
00:24What a ride, man! Love you, brother.
00:26Anyway, without further ado, I am thrilled
00:28to finally share this passion project with you all.
00:32Woo! Let's go, Jingle Bells!
00:34Yeah, you're about to be married to a reality star, damn.
00:37What'll be the next, uh, the situation?
00:39I just want to let everyone know
00:40this has not been vetted by Humanitas' legal team
00:42and will likely never be released.
00:44Boo!
00:46God, Jared!
00:47Oh, man. Might be.
00:48Wrong video. I'm so sorry.
00:51Ah, there we go.
00:52Enjoy.
01:00God, Jared!
01:01God, Jared!
01:03God, Jared!
01:04God, Jared!
01:05God, Jared!
01:06God, Jared!
01:09God, Jared!
01:09God, Jared!
01:12God, Jared!
01:13God, Jared!
01:15God, Jared!
01:17God, Jared!
01:17God, Jared!
01:18God, Jared!
01:18God, Jared!
01:18God, Jared!
01:18God, Jared!
01:18God, Jared!
01:19God, Jared!
01:19God, Jared!
01:19God, Jared!
01:20God, Jared!
01:27God, Jared!
01:34crazy man i did this walk every day 15 years so what brought you back here today to reflect on
01:39the trauma of obsolescence uh you you said you wanted to film us going back to the factory hey
01:45come on dude you're not supposed to say that can't break the fourth wall he's never uh he's never
01:49been on set before so yeah so it's been uh two years since we got laid off from the factory
01:54and
01:54so humantis is throwing this big uh reunion ceremony thing in a few weeks so we thought
01:59we'd pop back in sketch kind of see what's going on do a little reminiscing a little reflecting you
02:04know oh come on i guess they got the doors locked now unbelievable you're supposed to pull
02:12oh okay yep there we go it must have changed that since uh yeah
02:20man it's like nothing's changed except that everybody who works here is a robot now
02:28humantis shares are up 12 percent in pre-market trading after the company announced its latest
02:33innovation the avia 4 a versatile automated humanoid robot they claim will revolutionize
02:39manufacturing reducing labor costs by up to 90 percent yeah i mean i remember walking in and
02:46you just you could feel it in the air something was off at first i thought it was bring your
02:51kid
02:51to work day and uh everybody had robot kids everyone else was like yo this is awesome and i was
02:58like
02:59nah dude this is bad uh we all knew this was bad except for thumb had hoagies he kept grinning
03:06like
03:06an idiot and rubbing his hands together saying it was going to be a game changer so big mike gathered
03:11us for an emergency all hands i didn't know what was going on i was like oh damn you found
03:17my hentai
03:17folder boss is like listen i don't really need people to run these machines and the bad news is
03:23you guys are people and now is the end of that
03:31did you feel bad about automating the factory and laying off all your employees
03:35oh yeah i definitely lost some sleep oliver honestly it was probably harder on me than it was
03:40on them
03:44whoa is this the new hot dog taster yep i call him hank 2.0 it uses a wide spectrum
03:50laser scanner
03:5150 times more sensitive than the human tongue
03:54whoa i mean obviously hank's replaceable but sales now that's all about people skills
04:00there's no way these droids have been hitting my numbers pretty sure big mike regrets letting me go
04:05mark i switched to online sales years ago i didn't even realize we still had a sales team
04:12i thought mark worked in shipping
04:18robots suck robots suck robots suck robot suck robot suck p-e-l-p-l-e people
04:28i mean yeah everybody was pretty made but alfred was real made
04:33screw you big mike screw you madness greedy corporate bastards
04:39if you had to describe alfred millings in one word
04:43passionate definitely passionate hothead angry drunk unstable hot dog nuts i mean that guy was
04:50straight up nuts good guy though good guy all right here's the deal okay we are officially
04:55in the terminator it's man versus robots only one can survive so we gotta go back in time
05:02the hell are you talking about in terminator don't they send schwarzenegger back in time to protect
05:06the kid from american history x no that's terminator 2 in the terminator they send
05:11kyle reese back in time to protect sarah connor schwarzenegger's the bad guy yeah the t-1000
05:16no he's the t-800 robert patrick's the t-1000 would you all shut the hell up about the damn
05:22terminator time for action i'm going down there uh what's he doing
05:34alfred what are you doing man something i should have done a long time ago you think we're
05:39replaceable replace this
05:44911 what's your emergency hi um my friend alfred is a hot dog i'm sorry uh yeah this guy i
05:52work with
05:52alfred uh he fell into the meat grinder and now he's a hot dog well i guess uh he's a
05:58bunch of
05:58hot dogs um okay can you is he breathing uh one second is he breathing no hank he's freaking hot
06:07dogs he's uh not breathing stay where you are emergency services are on the way oh boy that's
06:12not good hey yo hank uh tell him i just got put in a 10 pack
06:17it's alfred
06:19rest in bun brother hey at least he died doing what he loved you know making hot dogs
06:24dude freaking alfred man miss him every day didn't have to be this way
06:30yeah you know you got some nerve thumbhead acting like you give a crap about alfred
06:36mary i don't know what her deal is man if i'm being honest i think she's just a little bitter
06:41because she's always had a thing for me you know all right come on mary why you gotta give me
06:45crap
06:45all the time because you got us all canned hoagies the hell are you talking about you're the reason
06:50big mike automated factories that's ridiculous okay you're nuts mary david showed us the tape
06:55tape what tape hey yo boss you see these new humantis robots oh my god yeah they're unbelievable
07:03no i haven't impressive dude i'm telling you these things are like the future of manufacturing
07:09gonna be a total game changer you always gotta run your mouth hoagies oh please okay that's
07:15selective editing you cut it off right before i told him how the robots can never replace people
07:20dude they can do like everything people can do but like 500 times better and you don't even have to
07:25pay them well if anything you know i did you guys a favor because you know we got ubi now
07:31so you guys should be thanking me to be honest
07:40protest erupted today at the headquarters of humantis after the tragic death of alfred millings
07:46the 39 year old factory worker who died tuesday after falling into a meat grinder friends say it was an
07:53act of protest against the factory replacing its human workers with robots that was when we realized
08:07okay we've got a problem on our hands i'm andrea ito i oversee public relations at humantis
08:13there was a small but vocal group of activists who tried to spin this into some kind of a martyr
08:19situation and what about the fact that your avia fours inspected the alfred hot dogs and still sent
08:24them down the line for packaging are you serious andrea it's my job to ask difficult questions i have
08:30to be objective okay well it's my job that's funding your little movie
08:38i wanted to wait it out humans tend to have a limited attention span but our pr team felt we
08:44should
08:44get in front of this so what was your solution ubi
08:52though humantis was found in no way liable for what happened at the glantontown hot dog factory
08:57we recognize the impact our revolutionary technologies have on the workforce as we
09:03transition toward an automated future today i'm proud to announce that humantis in partnership with
09:09the township of glantontown we'll be launching an experimental ubi pilot program would you say
09:15the program's been a success from a public relations standpoint yes it mitigated a lot of the initial
09:21backlash however i remain agnostic as to whether ubi can be a long-term solution so what does that mean
09:28for the program i'm unsure i'll wait until the two-year reunion to hear their personal accounts
09:33if i'm convinced it's made a meaningful impact i'll consider extending it and if not
09:38then i'll end the program
09:43this here are some of my rare comics i find a lot of inspiration and moral perspective in our modern
09:49myths who are some of the superheroes that inspire you hmm i would say lex luther the maker and ozymandias
09:57so what exactly are you hoping to see at this reunion that would convince you to keep the program
10:02going i would like to see that the money has been used productively
10:11so how have you been using your ubi i was in a dark place after the layoffs but now i'm
10:16able to
10:16spend more time with my kids i'm actually coaching my son's little league team now and i'm training to
10:21be an emt and was that something you've always been interested in no i just google jobs that are safe
10:26from automation i've actually been contributing a lot to the community oh so like charity work uh more
10:32like online communities i make digital content for you know certain fandoms oh god is that gumby
10:40thanks to ubi i've been able to focus on some of my personal project oh no no no sorry i
10:48rescue
10:49and rehabilitate sick and injured possums people hate them because they're scary looking but they're
10:56actually our friends i mean they eat ticks and they clean up dead animals and would you have been
11:01able to do this without ubi oh no believe it or not there's not really much money in possum sanctuaries
11:12so we just gotta show them we haven't been putzing around and wasting the money
11:16hmm well i can talk about bry's pies my boutique artisan pie company i started out of my house
11:22no way pete from logistics how you doing buddy brian egbert i worked in accounting we've met many
11:27times oh gotcha okay well if i'm being honest i'm not sure uh baking apple pies or saving raccoons is
11:34going to cut it he said meaningful impact not whatever that you're doing oh yeah the hell have
11:40you been doing the last two years uh all kinds of stuff i'm like the role model for ubi okay
11:53i should
11:53be the freaking mascot you already cost us our jobs you better not cost us this program maybe sit this
11:58one out are you kidding me i'm the one who's gonna save this program
12:09so i heard from a little birdie that otto's into comic books well what better way to impress him than
12:15by becoming a superhero have you ever done a procedure like this before no but i'm always up
12:23for a challenge and would you say this is ethical look i'm a cosmetic plastic surgeon not a cardiologist
12:30my sixer season tickets aren't gonna pay for themselves what do you think is driving mark's
12:35hero complex is it male fragility a crisis of meaning now that society's deemed him obsolete
12:41i think he's just an idiot but i love him love you hon are you sure you want to do
12:47this to yourself
12:47uh-uh it's not about me okay this is about sacrificing for the greater good it's about doing what it
12:52takes to save the program and showing stupid mary that i'm actually a great example of a ubi success
12:58story also it's gonna be cool as hell so come on all right count backwards from 10 and by the
13:04time
13:04you get to five you'll already be drifting oh yeah okay dude let me tell you i got a crazy
13:08tolerance
13:09okay i make it to zero no problem 10
13:20how are you feeling like someone who's about to save the ubi program boom wolverine claws baby let's go
13:28oh man look at these things yo how awesome is this
13:35oh come on come on must have gone into the two by four damn it aren't they supposed to retract
13:41nah it was like three times more expensive so i just got the basic package where they
13:45always kind of sticking out ah come on yo edit that out hey tab uh can you help me out
13:52here
13:53in the downstairs bathroom hey uh jingle bells q uh you help me here uh kind of need a white
14:01boy
14:04can you tell us what you're doing so i'm patrolling the streets here looking for any uh shady activity
14:09trying to get some uh heroic acts under my belt before the ceremony maybe some good press about a
14:14vigilante superhero keeping glantown safe that way otto can see i'm the real deal
14:20what's with the eye patch had a little mishap uh brushing my teeth the other day
14:24hey how you doing what's up gotta be vigilant okay there's a lot of crime in this area
14:33yeah so uh not a lot of illicit activity today uh this one guy parked in a handicapped spot but
14:39had his flashers on so let it slide definitely deterred a lot of crime so criminals see these bad
14:45boys and they're just like nope not today so what's your plan for the ceremony
14:48hmm i'm just gonna have to do what they do in the comic books create my own superhero situation
14:54for a greater good of course
15:02how are you feeling about today not gonna lie i'm a little nervous a lot riding on this
15:07i'm excited it's kind of like a talent show
15:10we'll be okay so long as thumbhead hoogies doesn't show up
15:14oh hell no well it's over
15:21oh yeah what the hell are you doing uh saving the ubi program ask what you better not screw
15:26this up for us all right mary come on why don't you cut it with all the salty stuff okay
15:30we all know
15:31what's going on you're attracted to me and you're mad that i'm married i'm gay you know what that
15:37tracks that actually tracks hey look otto's here oh baby showtime so i guess i just want to say
15:45thanks you mantis for giving me the dough to start prize pies
15:53and so as i reflect on two years i guess you could say ubi's been a real lifesaver
16:02with all of this new free time i have been able to watch almost all the phillies games
16:09and i enjoy spending time with my brother also i learned how to play piano thank you
16:20whoops sorry about that no big deal just a crap mic mount
16:26some of you may see ubi as merely money but to me it is my origin story
16:33two years ago alfred died but from his ashes a hero was born a lot of people say that ubi
16:42is free
16:42money but i don't see it that way to me it is a debt to which i must repay society
16:48and so thanks
16:50to humantis i have committed myself to a life of sacrifice in the name of justice not today
16:58oh wait not my line hold on okay i have been sent from the future to destroy humantis
17:16oh god time out time out one sec wow the hell dude where's the uh stat proof vest i got
17:24you
17:25oh i knew i forgot something uh okay uh not to alarm everyone but this is actually my friend eric
17:32and uh he needs some immediate medical attention i figured he'd do something stupid but this was
17:39next level man everything was going really well until whatever the hell that was it's okay
17:46you're okay the first thing we need to do is stop the bleeding mark don't move mark what the hell
17:54is
17:55wrong with you i just said don't move oh sorry i figured you i was supposed to pull the claws
17:59out
17:59first oh no it's my blood oh great job hoagies you blew it we were supposed to look productive
18:09and instead you stabbed your friend with wolverine claws
18:17well you know what maybe that's the problem everybody's saying we gotta be productive
18:23but isn't that what the robots are for i mean the whole point of automation is so the robots can
18:29do
18:29all the boring work and people can be free to do whatever the hell they want with their lives
18:33why do we always got to feel bad about hanging out or watching the phillies or playing video games or
18:40uh getting metal claws surgically and playing in our knuckles what happened to just i don't know being
18:45fun i mean maybe i'm crazy but i thought that's what ubi is all about so we can stop being
18:50stressed
18:51out all the time and just enjoy life for once in our life now if you'll excuse me i gotta
18:58go find
18:59a first aid kit because i just accidentally stabbed myself in the leg thank you everyone for sharing
19:05your stories and whatever that last display was it has made what was a difficult decision much easier
19:14after careful consideration i have decided to continue the ubi program
19:20yeah you like that david i was against the ropes there for a minute but then pop pop pulled the
19:32rocky and crushed it with that speech dude i saved a freaking day so how did you come to that
19:37decision
19:37was it mark's speech no mark's display reminded me that humans are highly irrational emotional beings
19:44and if they don't have some way to meet their basic needs they get desperate and i do not wish
19:49to be
19:50stabbed by wolverine claws will ubi be humanity's answer as we endeavor into an increasingly automated
19:58future that question remains to be answered but for now at least in glanton town the experiment continues
20:05man these hot dogs are terrible maybe robots can't replace us after all i know right
20:11yeah are these from the factory i think so yeah i got them from your basement freezer
20:15oh my god uh hey guys uh i think we just ate alfred
20:29dude that was freaking awesome david man i'm gonna blow up from this i gotta get an agent
20:33i gotta say that was better than i thought it was gonna be wow thanks you think humantis will approve
20:39it for release no chance i need you to destroy it immediately oh come on
20:46oh uh uh hey everyone so as you know i uh learned a little piano and uh i wrote a
20:52song inspired by david's
20:57movie
20:59well i used to work at a hot dog factory until them robots came along and now there is no
21:05job for me
21:06but i get three thousand bucks a month thanks to ubi
21:12now we're universal basic guys it may not sound like much but we're still gonna try
21:21we're just universal basic guys
21:27guys
21:31you
21:31you
21:31you
21:31you
21:31you
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