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00:02Mom, can I borrow your credit card?
00:04Oh, here we go.
00:05How many, uh, Fortnite 4 skins you need, dude?
00:07No, I want to buy hockey equipment.
00:09Wait, like actual hockey?
00:11You want to play the actual sport hockey?
00:14Yeah, my buddy Jake plays on a U15 team.
00:16I was thinking about trying out.
00:18Oh, yeah, here. Go nuts, dude.
00:20Really? Thanks, Mark.
00:23Yeah, he's playing a sport!
00:25A team sport! This is amazing!
00:27Oh, my God.
00:28I've always wanted to be a sports dad.
00:30This is, uh, an incredible team.
00:33Yeah, what the hell?
00:35Kid, you spent $1,500!
00:38Well, I used to work at a hot dog factory
00:41Until them robots came along
00:43And now there is no doubt for me
00:45But I get $3,000 a month
00:47Thanks to UVI
00:52Now we're universal basic odds
00:55It may not sound like much
00:57But we're still gonna try
01:00We're just universal basic odds
01:09Alright Dash, so the key here is
01:10You pull the jersey up over the head
01:12So they look like an idiot
01:13And then you pop, pop, pop!
01:15You hit them with the uppercuts, you got it?
01:16Uh, shouldn't I learn how to skate first?
01:18Alright, one step at a time, okay?
01:20Gotta start with the fundamentals
01:21Okay, so you grab with the collar
01:23With your non-dominant hand, right?
01:25Yep, okay
01:26And you're gonna reach over
01:26Okay, grip the shirt from behind his shoulder pad
01:28And just gank the jersey up
01:30Yeah, okay, nice, dude
01:31Now shove his head down
01:32There we go
01:33No, no, no, no
01:34Back up, back up
01:34Pull your arm out
01:35No, no, no, not you, Hank
01:37Stay
01:37Alright, come here
01:38How do you even
01:39How do you even
01:40Oh, man
01:41Alright, relax
01:43Uh, Mark
01:44Okay
01:44Oh, hey, hon
01:46I'm just nervous about Darren
01:49What if he's not very good?
01:50They're kids
01:51None of them are good
01:51I know, it's just
01:52I get real protective
01:54And my mama bear comes out
01:55When he played peewee soccer
01:56I got banned from the sidelines
01:58And the team Facebook group
01:59Alright, relax, Tam
02:00Can't protect him forever
02:02Besides, with Coach Hoagies in his corner
02:04There's nothing to worry about
02:07Go
02:08Alright, Dar, shake it off, bud
02:09Shake it off
02:10He's getting destroyed out there
02:12Now, nobody's great on day one, team, okay?
02:14He's just raw
02:15And that's totally fine, okay?
02:16They're looking for potential
02:18Yeah, there we go, Dar
02:20Tap the net, bud
02:22Hey, get that kid off the ice
02:24Before he hurts someone
02:25You're doing great, Darren
02:27You talk about my kid like that again
02:29I'm gonna rip your ear off
02:30Like I'm taking a number at the deli
02:31Yeah, relax, will you?
02:32You're gonna get thrown out of here
02:33Oh, sorry
02:34I'm like a werewolf or something
02:36I can't control it
02:39Aw, come on, ref
02:40That's a dirty hit
02:41Ugh
02:42It's over
02:43It's rigged
02:44There's no way he's making this team
02:45He's gonna be devastated
02:47Nah, nah, nah
02:48We're good, okay?
02:48These days, every kid gets a participation trophy
02:51I bet they don't even have cuts
02:54Aw, man
02:55Sorry, bro
02:56There's my little Lindros
02:58D-money, dude
02:59Killing it out there, bud
03:01I got cut
03:02The hell?
03:02After one day?
03:04Whatever
03:04I suck
03:06Well, it was fun while it lasted
03:08All right, whoa, whoa, whoa
03:08Hang on, Tam, okay?
03:09Let me go talk to the coach
03:10I'm gonna handle it
03:11You see that drop in stride speed?
03:13Have you been doing your VO2 max training?
03:15Well, no
03:16I have homework and stuff
03:17Hey, you got the rest of your life to learn how to read
03:21Priorities, bud
03:22All right, dinner time
03:23There's a pro forma amino fuel shake
03:25And 15 almonds in the mini fridge
03:26You help yourself
03:28How you doing, coach?
03:29Tight ship you're running, bud
03:30Appreciate it
03:31How could I help you?
03:32Listen, so, uh
03:33Feel like you might accidentally cut my stepson Darren
03:36Oh, you mean the kid who couldn't skate?
03:38Come on, I'm telling you, dude
03:39The kid's raw, but he's got a high ceiling
03:40With a little training
03:41I think he could be the next Gretzky
03:43You see this?
03:43This is how we evaluate players
03:45Advanced analytics
03:46Oh, here we go
03:47This chart combines Corsi and Fenwick metrics to give a comprehensive impact score
03:51This is the team
03:52And this is your son
03:53Yeah, that's some BS right there, okay?
03:55Where does your fancy spreadsheet show potential?
03:57Okay, I don't see dog mentality on air
03:59You know why?
04:00Because you can't measure heart
04:01Actually, we can
04:02This is his DOG score, which measures perseverance and fortitude
04:06And as you can see, Darren here has remarkably little heart
04:10All right, come on, dude
04:11I thought you sports is all about chasing dreams, not crushing them
04:14Well, maybe your son should reassess his ambitions
04:16No, I'm talking about me, okay?
04:18These are my dreams, okay?
04:19I want to be a sports dad
04:20This could be my only shot
04:21Can you just, like, stash him on a bench or something?
04:24Okay, this isn't a charity organization
04:26We're competing for district championships
04:28And the last thing I need is some goofball kid
04:31And his goofball dad slowing us down
04:35All right, let me tell you
04:37You're gonna regret this decision, pal
04:39One day that goofball kid is gonna be skating circles around your players, all right?
04:43And the day that happens, I'd be happy to reevaluate him
04:46Ridiculous, frickin' idiot
04:48Stupid hockey club, stupid gladiators
04:51Gladiators wasn't even a good movie
04:52It was so great
04:54How you doing there, bud?
04:55Fine
04:56Feeling a little sad, yeah?
04:58Sulking a little bit?
04:59Cause, you know, you didn't make the team?
05:01Uh, yeah
05:01Well, I talked to the coach and guess what?
05:05No way, is he gonna let me on the team?
05:07Oh, uh, no, no, no
05:08Definitely not
05:09Kept saying how you had, like, the worst stats he's ever seen
05:11I mean, really mean stuff
05:12Honestly, you would've cried if you heard him
05:14Why are you telling me this?
05:16To motivate you, Dar
05:17To light that fire in you
05:18I don't understand, I just feel worse
05:21Nah, dude, that coach is a numbers geek
05:23He doesn't know what hockey's really about
05:24We're gonna show him he's made a huge mistake
05:28Oh, yeah? How are we gonna do that?
05:30By beating him
05:33Welcome to the goofballs, dude
05:38Okay, Hank
05:39I've been doing a ton of research
05:40And I think I've found a perfect plan
05:42To make that jerk coach look like an idiot
05:45Wait, I, uh, thought we were doing this for, uh, Darren's confidence
05:48Yeah, I mean, that too, yeah
05:49So all these movies get at the same fundamental truth
05:52What really matters in hockey is heart
05:55The gladiators, they might have their fancy metrics and their skills
05:59But you can't motivate kids with spreadsheets
06:01Our team, we're gonna want it more
06:03Our team is gonna have that dog in them
06:06So we're looking for kids with dogs in them?
06:09We're looking for untapped potential
06:11The underdogs who don't believe in themselves yet
06:14I'm talking about the fat kid who can't move
06:16But fills up an entire net
06:17Or the, uh, figure skater girl who can double axle over a defender
06:21Oh, we're like a, uh, big Conor McDavid type who's really good at scoring goals
06:25Nah, nah, Hank, the Conor McDavid's, they're on the gladiators, okay?
06:28We're shopping in the bargain bin here
06:30We're playing moneyball
06:31Isn't that, like, all about analytics and stuff?
06:33No, no, okay, not that part, okay?
06:34We're playing moneyball, but without the analytics
06:37Oh, okay
06:38Alright, Hank, you ready to hunt down some 14 year olds?
06:56No, dude
06:57Settle down, dude
07:25Alright, listen up, okay?
07:26Each one of you is here for a reason
07:28Because each one of you represents a classic archetype of an underdog kid that I've seen work in movies, okay?
07:34Which one am I?
07:35Uh, you're the, uh, you're the goalie, let's leave it at that
07:39Now, you may all look like a bunch of weirdos, but together we share a common purpose
07:45To beat the stinking gladiators
07:47Who are the gladiators?
07:49They're the bad guys, like, uh, Ivan Drago or Shooter McGavin
07:54Like, um, I don't know, what do you guys watch? Uh, Trolls?
07:58They're like the, uh, the Bergens
08:00Oh
08:01Alright, let's play some hockey
08:03Darren, let's go
08:04Oh, hey, what's up, Darren?
08:06Oh, hey, J.D.
08:08Oh, oh, the hooves don't fit in the skates
08:23Mark, they're awful
08:24The gladiators are gonna mop the floor with these kids
08:27Tammy, trust the process, okay? They just need a little confidence-building game
08:30Who the hell are these kids gonna be? A bunch of blind kids?
08:34Hmm
08:38Oh, Mark, no you didn't
08:40Let's go bats! You don't need eyes to beat these guys
08:44Let's go, goofballs! Hit them so hard they hear stars
08:48Alright, goofballs, let's go, you got this
08:51I wanna see that hustle, alright?
08:52Play smart, communicate
08:55Maybe use hand signals
08:58Why is he, uh, puck so big and jingly?
09:00I guess so they can hear it or something, I don't know
09:02It's complete BS
09:06Alright, that's okay, that's okay
09:07Alright, come on guys, come on, let me see that dog in you
09:10Come on, J.D.
09:11Bring out that devil
09:13Alright, alright
09:14You got this, golf kid
09:15Okay, hit him with that slap shot
09:17Oh, God, alright, that's alright
09:19Yo, come on guys, get at it
09:21Challenge him, challenge him
09:24Yo, let's go, chat
09:25Come on, all you gotta do is put your body in front of the net
09:28Okay, just fall on the ground
09:31Oh, my God
09:35Boo!
09:37Come on, ref, what are you bl-
09:38Uh, blatantly incompetent?
09:42The frickin' dog scored that
09:44Hey, there's no rule that says a dog can't play blind hockey
09:46Damn it, getting out-troped
09:51That was actually pretty fun
09:52I'm happy for them, they overcame a lot
09:54Yeah, that was some BS, okay?
09:56Some of those kids, they had at least 10% vision
09:58Hey, nice of you to make a little rec team for your kid
10:01Oh, yeah?
10:01The hell's that supposed to mean?
10:03Uh, I just meant it's good to build his skills on a non-competitive team
10:07Oh, we're actually highly competitive
10:09Okay, why just watch you lose 6-0 to a team full of blind kids?
10:13Oh, please, okay, we weren't even trying
10:14Here's an idea, how about the gladiators and the goofballs have a little scrimmage
10:19Then you can find out just how competitive we are
10:22Okay, bud, don't you think you've demoralized these kids enough?
10:25Uh, actually, those kids are having a lot of fun
10:27Unlike your kids who are eating frickin' creatine bricks for dinner
10:30You know, now that I think about it, maybe we could use a scrimmage
10:34We just got some new equipment that needs, uh, breaking in
10:37Oh, is that so?
10:38Well, we're gonna break you in, pal
10:41Give me two weeks and we'll find out who's the best team in Glantown
10:44Game on
10:46Yeah, game on, dude
10:48God, Hank, what was I thinking?
10:50Got caught up in the moment, now we're gonna get our frickin' asses handed to us
10:53We're gonna need, like, a ringer or something
10:55Just don't know how to pull a frickin' Ovechkin out of thin air
10:57Actually, uh, I might be able to get you some Ovechkins
11:03So it's sort of a pipeline of, uh, Russian boys who need to be relocated
11:08Are they refugees or something?
11:10Let's just say they weren't a militia group that, uh, fell out of favor
11:13And, uh, they need to lay low for a bit
11:15Think of it as the witness protection program
11:18But instead of witnessing a crime, they may have committed a few of them
11:21They can, uh, play hockey?
11:22Of course they can, they're Russian
11:24Yo, uh, Dimitri, these kids play hockey?
11:26Da
11:33Damn, yo, that kid's like the Randy Johnson of hockey right there
11:36Alright, I'll take him
11:39Don't we have enough players? These kids are pretty sketchy
11:42Come on, Dad, they're misfits just like you guys
11:44I'm sure they'll fold right into the groove
11:45Uh, they seem like a bunch of derelicts
11:48How about, uh, they can help us win?
11:50No better confidence booster than that, okay?
11:52I guess we can be hockey parents to a few more kids
11:55Exactly, okay? It's like the blind side, except with hockey
11:59Rated R
12:00Pff, nice garbosaur
12:02Have fun only being able to splash and teleport
12:04Except for my energy cloak
12:07Oh, come on!
12:08How many energy cloaks are in the deck?
12:10Okay, good news, got some new members
12:18Oh, no, uh, you got asthma?
12:20It's Russian hockey medicine for goals and triumph
12:24Yo, comrade, can I get a little bit of that?
12:28You feel strong, eh?
12:30The fires of hell burn inside me
12:34All right, G-Balls, let's hit the ice
12:36Scrimmage time
12:49Shake it off, juggler kid
12:50No shame in losing a tooth
12:53Now I will consume your flesh
13:07Whoa, those container kids are pretty good
13:10Hell yeah, forget dogs, they got freaking bears in them
13:13Yeah!
13:14Great practice today, guys
13:15Let's give ourselves a round of applause
13:17Great job, everybody
13:19So now comes the part of the job that every coach hates
13:22We're gonna be making some cuts, okay?
13:24I thought the whole point of the goofballs was that we don't have cuts
13:27All right, I hear you, Darren
13:28But things change
13:28And right now we're in a little bit of a must-win situation, so
13:31Okay, uh, if you hear your name, you made a roster
13:34Darren Hoagies
13:35Congratulations, bud
13:36Uh, Igor Zdanov
13:41Vladislav Khrushchev
13:42Khrushchev
13:43Ziv
13:46Ziv
13:48All right, basically, if your name has at least four consonants in a row, you're on a team, all right?
13:51And also Facu-
13:53Also Chet
13:54All right, everyone else, just remember, this is not the end of the road
13:58It's just a, uh, just a U-turn back to whatever you were doing before
14:03He's just starting to like this
14:06What the hell, Mark? Those are my friends, we were having fun
14:09Trust me, Dar, you're gonna have a lot more fun kicking ass with your new Russian friends
14:14I don't think I am, Mark, they're scary and there's a massive language barrier
14:18All right, come on, Dar, listen
14:19It is very important that we show that stupid coach that he made a huge mistake by not picking you,
14:25okay, bud?
14:26Who cares? Maybe he's right, I'm not very good
14:29Wrong answer, you are very good
14:31You got a ton of potential, dude, that's why I kept you on a team
14:34Yeah, right, you just picked me because you had to
14:36No, I picked you because I know that deep down inside, buried under many layers of wimp, he's a ferocious
14:42dog
14:42And once that dog tastes victory, you better look out, okay?
14:46Everybody's gonna see what Darren Hoagies is really made of
14:49Okay
14:49All right, let me hear that dog in you, give you a woof
14:53No
14:53I can't hear you, Darren
14:56Come on, please woof Darren
14:59All right, that's fine, that's fine, we'll get there, we'll get there
15:01Yo, uh, Red Army, let's rock and roll
15:03Hey, Zim, knock it off, okay, save the criminal activity for the game
15:13Yeah, there we go, nice job, Ig
15:15Attaboy, Vlad, way to put him in a gulag, baby
15:18All right, Darren, you're in
15:19Finally, two minutes left
15:21Dude, it's garbage time, it's like the filet mignon of playing time
15:24You pad your stats, you build your confidence, come on
15:27Let's go Darren, bury these losers
15:45Oh my god, oh my god, that's my son, my son just scored his first goal
15:50No goal, no goal, cross-checking
15:52Are you kidding me, Ruff? Are you freaking kidding me?
15:56Yo, what the hell?
15:59Cross-check that
16:00Okay, that's it, lady, you're out
16:02Now, get off me, this is what happens when you speak truth to power
16:07Oh man, I can't wait for that clown coach to see the advanced stats on the ass-whooping we're about
16:12to lay on them
16:12I mean, we scored 48 goals in the last two games
16:15And Darren scored two of them
16:17Too bad you're banned from the arena
16:20We'll see about that
16:21I'm not gonna let that jerk Ruff screw over my kid
16:24You know, I gotta say, these Russians have been a great influence on Darren
16:27He's playing with a lot more edge lately
16:29He's definitely a lot more confident
16:31Yeah, as long as it stays on the ice
16:34Hey, Darren, sweetie, we're gonna get out of here
16:36All right, knuckleheads, don't stay up too late, big game coming up, all right?
16:42Oh god, my mom's boyfriend's here
16:44Hey, fat boy, time to go
16:46You're wasted, Owen, screw you
16:48I think that's enough ice cream for you
16:50Unless you plan on paying for your own diabetes medications
16:56Why don't you go back to jail and leave us alone?
16:59Ho ho ho, someone's getting an ass-kicking
17:02You mess with Jet, now we must break you
17:07Uh...
17:09Morning, comrades
17:11Whoa
17:13Hey, uh, Tam, you seen the Russians?
17:15No, why?
17:16Meanwhile, in Glantontown, six undocumented Russian miners have been deported after throwing a man into the deep fryer at a
17:23Kindly's family restaurant
17:24Oh my god, that's awful
17:27Ugh, I know
17:27Friggin' gladiators are gonna destroy us
17:31So you're just gonna give up?
17:33What about all that stuff you've been telling Darren?
17:35Where's your heart, Mark?
17:36Tam, I'm just being realistic here, okay?
17:38There's no way we can win without those Russian kids
17:40We gotta forfeit
17:41No, we're gonna play
17:43Darren, I don't know if you saw, but, uh, we just lost all of our best players, so...
17:48Yeah, but you still got me
17:50I hear you, bud, but...
17:51I scored two goals
17:52Those Russian kids showed me how to win
17:54It's time for me to step up and unleash the dog
17:57Look at you, Darren
17:59Uh, Tammy, can we not encourage this?
18:01Yo, Darren, let me, uh, I'll call Murph and see if he's got any more of those Russian kids
18:04No, we're gonna bring back the old squad, and I'll lead them
18:07I'm gonna go call JD and the guys
18:09Go get him, hon
18:10Oh, boy
18:11Alright, goofballs, listen up
18:14This is gonna get real ugly real fast, okay?
18:16Hopefully the trauma you experience today will serve you later in life in whatever non-hockey career you pursue
18:23So, let's keep your heads up, let's protect yourselves out there, and let's try and make it out of here
18:27one piece, alright?
18:32Coach Mark is right
18:34This team is way better than us
18:35So we gotta outwork them
18:37We gotta be tougher
18:38We gotta want it more
18:39When they hit us, we get up and hit them back harder
18:42Oh, you're getting me fired up, Dare
18:44I'm about to bloodlust
18:46They may be better, but we got that dog in us
18:49Let me hear those dogs
18:55Together we fight! Together we die!
19:06Hey, you like that?
19:08Yeah, put that on your spreadsheet, Teemo.
19:10Way to be aggressive there!
19:12Shh, yo, Tim, come on. What are you doing? You're gonna get booted again.
19:14Number nine, two minutes, charging.
19:16Are you freaking kidding me? That's BS!
19:18Hey, ref, get your eyes checked!
19:21Wait, who said that? Was that you?
19:31Oh, my God! That was awesome! Go, Darren!
19:36I knew it was you. You're banned. Get the hell out of this place.
19:39Oh, get over yourself. I'm just cheering on my kid.
19:42Woo-hoo-hoo! Go goofballs!
19:45That's it. Come here.
19:46Get the hell off me!
19:49You wanna go?
19:52Cam, what are we doing here?
19:53How do you like that?
19:54Mom?
19:54Stop! Stop! Enough! Get off me!
19:57Whoa!
19:59Screw this. I'm outta here, okay?
20:01I don't get paid enough for this crap.
20:05Come on now.
20:06So, I guess we gotta call it?
20:08Yep, and it looks like, uh, we got a tie on our hands.
20:10Great job, goofballs! We just tied the gladiators, okay? We're the same.
20:14We were up by ten goals.
20:15Yeah, well, sorry, okay? We don't care about advanced stats like the score.
20:19I used my eyes, and what I saw was an even game.
20:23Hey, great effort out there, kid.
20:25You know, if you're interested, I think we can find a spot for you on the bench.
20:29No, thanks. I'd rather be the captain of the goofballs than a fourth liner on the gladiators.
20:33Right, guys?
20:34Yeah, I don't know, Dare. I think I'm done with hockey.
20:37Okay, I'm in.
20:38Hey, Mom! I made the gladiators!
20:41Oh, way to go, honey! That's awesome!
20:57Vre Vizarconia.
20:58Vre Vizarconia.
21:01He is ready for stars.
21:03Vre Vizarconia.
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