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BRITCOM I
  • 8 hours ago

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00:05The End
00:45Oh, God, look at this.
00:53She has risen!
00:56Oh, no!
00:58I was never dead.
01:00TMZ got a bad tip.
01:01They issued a retraction this morning.
01:03But they said they carried your body off a boat in Singapore and you didn't make it.
01:06What?
01:07They said they carried your body off a boat in Singapore and you didn't make it.
01:12No, yeah.
01:14No, no, no.
01:14I didn't make it to the hospital.
01:17I came to an ambulance.
01:19I had them reroute me to my hotel.
01:20Oh, hallelujah.
01:24We didn't want to believe it, but it made sense because of your, you know, your, your
01:28breakdown.
01:30My breakdown?
01:31Yeah.
01:32That late night.
01:33It was all over the news that you went cuckoo.
01:41Debra Vance is alive!
01:43Yeah.
01:44Yeah.
01:47Yeah.
01:49Yeah!
01:52I want to thank you for me.
01:58Motherfuckers!
01:59These headlines are horrible.
02:02How Debra Vance lost her way and lost late night in the process.
02:05Oh, diva down.
02:07Talk show host's bizarre behavior raises serious concerns.
02:11Ever since you went to Singapore, Bob Lipka has been smearing you in the press.
02:14But I defended you in all the comments with my burner at Joyce Goldblood Chang.
02:18Oh my god, Debra Vance's on-air breakaway, they cut the feed before her meltdown.
02:23What?
02:23That's a bad one.
02:24Oh, once an arsonist, always an arsonist.
02:26Debra Vance burns down late night?
02:28God, I knew that social media detox was going to bite me in the ass.
02:31First, I was tagging some very unflattering photos.
02:34Now this?
02:35There are hundreds of these.
02:37Where are all the articles calling me a free speech warrior?
02:39Well, there were some positive ones, but they've been buried.
02:41Of course, because that bastard owns almost every news outlet.
02:45Oh my god.
02:46I think we've all read the stories.
02:47Speaking of.
02:48Yeah, it's tragic.
02:49Of course, I wish Debra had spoken to when it's first, but hey, it is a tough gig.
02:54Not everyone's built for it.
02:56We'll just hope she gets well.
02:58Gets well?
02:59Gets well?
02:59Gets well!
03:01No wonder the obituary was so bad.
03:03They needed someone to blame, so they blamed me, the crazy lady.
03:06It's a fucking house fire all over again.
03:09We need to sue, okay?
03:10And we need to get these websites to issue a retraction.
03:12I don't think that's good.
03:13No.
03:14Damage is already done.
03:15Fuck.
03:16We need to shift the narrative with something bigger than all of this.
03:20Like what?
03:22I'll figure something out.
03:29Sorry, that's bad.
03:32Thank you, guys.
03:35You know, you should do a couple's costume for Halloween.
03:37Well, what are you thinking?
03:38Or at least...
03:39Knock, knock.
03:40Hey.
03:41May I?
03:42Sure.
03:44Regret to inform you that Jeff Dunham is signing elsewhere.
03:49Fuck!
03:50But the meeting went so well, I even got along with a stupid-ass puppet.
03:53All of our meetings go well.
03:54And then they find out we can't do business with Bob Lipka's companies and they ghost us.
03:57Well, it doesn't help that our client list is older female and losing bone density by
04:01the minute, Jimmy.
04:02You don't have to tell me twice.
04:03We lost two clients to Bad Falls this month alone.
04:05It's sad.
04:06And I don't want to visit the hospital again.
04:08Parking is a nightmare.
04:09I didn't want to tell you this, but we lost Lassie.
04:12The dog signed somewhere else?
04:14No, I mean we literally lost her.
04:16She ran away.
04:17And she's not fixed, Jimmy.
04:18She's probably taking loads from every pity from here to Santa Clarita, stupid whore.
04:21All right, look.
04:22I know this isn't popular.
04:23No one's going to want to hear this, but I think we should revisit the conversation
04:25about downsizing this office.
04:27No!
04:27We're not downsizing.
04:29Don't make me say that again.
04:31Kayla, the office, the rent, the phones, the insurance, it costs $30,000 a month to be here.
04:35It's worth it.
04:37We're projecting success to the industry.
04:38I mean, there's already nasty gossip going around about us ever since you beat the shit
04:42out of Bob Lipka.
04:42I didn't beat the shit out of him.
04:44I just knocked his phone out of his hand.
04:45We had a little scuffle.
04:46The assistant slack is still a buzz for us.
04:48Not good.
04:49If we move now, it's a death bill.
04:52Okay.
04:53Fine.
04:54It's Damien.
04:54Says Deborah wants to have lunch in Vegas this afternoon.
04:57Oh my God.
04:57The last minute flights are going to be so expensive.
04:59This is what I'm talking about.
04:59Do you know what's free?
05:01The BMW.
05:02Which I just had vacuumed.
05:03It's spotless.
05:04You could eat an omicassee off the dash.
05:06Sure, but if we're going to drive and be there at lunch, we've got to go now.
05:08Road trip.
05:09All right, don't worry.
05:10I just got my license.
05:11Just?
05:12Shotgun.
05:13Okay, I guess I'll sit in the back of my own car.
05:14Come on, go with me.
05:21Wake up!
05:22Woo!
05:24I figured it out.
05:25What time is it?
05:26Actually, what day is it?
05:28Every obituary leads with a person's greatest achievement or failure.
05:32That's why I need a win.
05:33A legacy-defining win that they cannot spin.
05:35Okay.
05:36I refuse to be remembered on other people's terms as a quitter or the person who killed
05:40late night or some hysterical woman.
05:42I have worked too hard and I have fought far too long.
05:45I will be remembered for my accomplishments.
05:48Yes.
05:48So I have decided to EGOT.
05:53Uh, EGOT?
05:55Emmy, Grammy, Oscar Tony.
05:56Oh, I know.
05:57Well, actually, I didn't.
05:58I thought the G was for a Golden Globe.
05:59But I, I love that.
06:01I love that.
06:02Oh, good.
06:03I kind of assumed you'd think it was crazy.
06:05No.
06:06I think it'd be crazy if you did not do that.
06:08Right?
06:09Great.
06:09Come on, get up.
06:10We're having lunch with the team.
06:11Now!
06:12Lunch?
06:13I'm still on Singapore Standard Time.
06:17Midnight snack would be good.
06:20I'm trying to get a super fire, baby.
06:24Super fire, baby.
06:29Super fire, baby.
06:31I'm trying to get a male alive.
06:32It's hard.
06:33But it's worth it.
06:36I mean, I know EGOT is ambitious, but I'm already halfway there.
06:39I have a daytime Emmy for hosting B'Gongle.
06:41Yes!
06:42Oh, my God.
06:42B'Gongle.
06:43Yeah.
06:44Wait, what?
06:44Oh, B'Gongle was a game show on the USA Network in 1992
06:48where celebrities played B'Gongle on a constantly shaking floor.
06:51So funny.
06:51And I already have my Tony for producing.
06:53In a post-coital haze, Eric Idle convinced me to put some money into Spamalot.
06:57Anyway, I already have my T and my E,
07:00so now I need you to get me my O.
07:03O.
07:05Well, it was for Oscar.
07:06No, I know what O stands for.
07:07I just meant O like a reaction.
07:09Oh, that's crazy.
07:10Wow.
07:11Anyway, Deborah, I'm going to have to review your contract
07:13because I have to see what you can even do legally.
07:16Busman, permission to speak?
07:18Sure.
07:19Now, the network paid out Deborah's contract
07:20and they did it all through her exclusivity clause,
07:22not the non-compete.
07:24Technically, she can't do anything scripted or paid.
07:25TV, film, no new media.
07:27They control her socials.
07:28No live public performances.
07:30And the contract specifies Florida law governs.
07:33And because Deborah already signed her injunctive relief clause,
07:35if she violates the contract,
07:36they can come out of her with a restraining order or worse.
07:39You memorized all that?
07:40Inadvertently.
07:41Someone recently told me they thought I was autistic.
07:43That was me this morning.
07:44Oh, yeah.
07:46Anyway, she can technically still film something now
07:48as long as it's not released until the non-compete is over.
07:51I like this young man.
07:53The thing about an Oscar is...
07:53Jimmy, it's not that difficult.
07:56I mean, award voters love it when funny people go dead serious.
07:59Just find me my Monique moment.
08:01Well, I can set you up as a girl.
08:02Onto the grounds.
08:03Tragically, I have been nominated for my stand-up record
08:05seven times I have never won.
08:07Seven?
08:08I was seven.
08:09Not a dance in hell.
08:11Under the knife, over the drama.
08:12Live at the Mall of America.
08:14Your Lester Diaries.
08:15Live for your diet.
08:16The Death Commandments.
08:18And the best things in life are at Sears.
08:20The Caribbean's Live, sponsored by Sears.
08:22So, yeah.
08:22Seven.
08:23Robbed.
08:23Now, I know I can't do stand-up right now,
08:25so I'm taking a different route.
08:26I'm going to compete in the best audiobook category
08:29by recording my memoir.
08:30You wrote a memoir?
08:31That's great.
08:32Well, no, not yet.
08:32But I happen to know the best writer in the world.
08:36Aww.
08:37Tony Kushner.
08:38Hey, what about me?
08:40You can't write my memoir.
08:41You're too obsessed with me.
08:42It's cool.
08:43I give up on developing my prose skills
08:45when I realize Gen Alpha can't read.
08:47All right, everybody, let's go.
08:48G.O. stands for Grammy, Oscar.
08:51Yeah.
08:52I'm not scared.
08:53Woo!
08:53A Grammy and an Oscar.
08:55Ava.
08:56No, I know, okay?
08:57But you don't understand how bad it got in Singapore.
08:59She was sleeping all day.
09:00She was drinking till noon.
09:01Jimmy, she wore Crocs in public.
09:03Did the Crocs have a heel?
09:05No.
09:06But she keeps her heels on during surgery.
09:08Yeah, so that's why whatever she wants to do,
09:10we need to get on board, okay?
09:12Okay, yeah.
09:13And you know what?
09:14I guess she has done crazier things, right?
09:15Yes, of course.
09:17She can do anything.
09:18We can do anything.
09:19Speaking of which,
09:20I need you to write and sell a huge international hit
09:23that has potential for sequels.
09:24Can you do that?
09:25I...
09:25Look, I would never normally pressure a client
09:27to help our firm financially,
09:29but we really need to...
09:31We've had a tough few months.
09:33Jimmy, she gave up the show for me.
09:35You know, I have to stay and help her.
09:36I'm sorry.
09:37No, no, no.
09:37I get that.
09:39Actually, I did finish my Mall Girl script in Singapore.
09:41I can send you that.
09:42Amazing.
09:43Okay, great.
09:43You send me that,
09:44and I guess I'll go get Deborah an Academy Award?
09:49Perfect.
09:50Great to see you.
09:56Mr. Kushner,
09:58I just want to say,
09:59it's such an honor to observe the writing process
10:02of one of my heroes.
10:03I mean, Angels in America was just,
10:04yeah, so formative for me.
10:06Oh, that's sweet.
10:07She's just shadowing,
10:08so feel free to ignore her.
10:09I often do.
10:10Oh.
10:11So, Tony, where do we start?
10:13I'm thinking a chapter a day,
10:1415 chapters.
10:15We should be able to wrap this up in two weeks.
10:17Easy.
10:18Oh, we're going to need far longer than that.
10:20I really believe in an immersive process.
10:23Oh.
10:24Okay.
10:25Well, I don't tend to love those whiny childhood parts
10:29of most celebrity memoirs,
10:31but then again, I was a very strong child.
10:33I held up my own head at three months old.
10:35My little blonde head.
10:37Oh, wow.
10:37I know.
10:38Oh, that would make a great opening sentence.
10:41Quote,
10:41I was born blonde.
10:43I actually want to start way before that.
10:46Since your people descend from Scotland,
10:49I've been reading The Lion in the North,
10:521,000 years of Scotland's history.
10:54Did you know that your eighth great-grandfather
10:57was a prominent figure in the Battle of Glenfruin?
11:01I didn't.
11:02It's really fascinating stuff.
11:04It starts with the McGregor clan.
11:05They were in a feud with the Coughlin clan
11:07over cattle thefts and land thefts.
11:09It's like the beginning of the 17th century
11:11when James VI, there was a big homo,
11:13moved to England to become James I.
11:16And it was the start of the Jacobean era.
11:18And then the translation of the D.J.
11:20B.I.
11:25Okay.
11:26What if Debra produces a documentary short?
11:28That's got to be an easy category, right?
11:29There's no way Debra's getting into that category this year.
11:32I mean, do you see how many ongoing lores
11:34we have going on right now?
11:35There's at least a nominee coming out of each.
11:38Unless Debra wants to drag a film crew
11:40through the Congo, it's not happening.
11:42This is impossible.
11:43It is.
11:44Is it, though?
11:45Because correct me if I'm wrong,
11:46there already is a movie with early Oscar bus
11:48that Debra has a connection to.
11:49Which one?
11:50The Fatty Arbuckle movie, Jimmy.
11:52The one you're producing.
11:53Hello?
11:54Ah, yeah, no.
11:55That's the only project we have without Debra
11:56or a rabid dog attached.
11:58Absolutely not, no.
11:59And dare I say I'm proud of my work on it.
12:00Thank you very much.
12:02It's an awards season dream.
12:04It's a biopic.
12:05It's got famous actors playing a game's type.
12:07It's a period piece.
12:08It's got everything.
12:09She just needs a small part.
12:10Do you know that Beatrice Strait
12:11won the Oscar for Network
12:12despite having only five minutes of screen time?
12:14Five minutes!
12:16I didn't know that.
12:16I had no idea.
12:17But it doesn't matter.
12:17We're already finished shooting.
12:19Don't we have to do reshoots?
12:20No, we are doing additional photography.
12:21Reshoots!
12:22We are doing additional photography
12:23that's different than a reshoot.
12:24Christopher Plummer was nominated
12:26for a performance done entirely
12:28within additional photography.
12:31Wow, how do you know all this stuff?
12:32Once I started learning about Hollywood,
12:34I couldn't stop.
12:35Such a fascinating mix of culture
12:37and business and art and history.
12:39It's America.
12:40I mean, maybe if she was Australian,
12:42I could see it.
12:43But, no, look.
12:45The Arbuckle movie is the only thing
12:47that's going well for her.
12:47I can't mess it up.
12:48All right, whatever you say.
12:50Maybe she could learn sound mixing
12:52and rise to the top of her field
12:54in the next two weeks.
12:55The worst idea I've ever heard.
12:57Hey, there are no bad ideas, but...
12:58No, it's okay.
12:59I probably shouldn't have said anything.
13:01Fuck!
13:03You've got to be more sensitive to her, okay?
13:05Kayla, Kayla, honey, it's okay.
13:06You know what?
13:07There are no bad ideas in a brainstorm.
13:08And it's really hard to get an Oscar.
13:09It's not a break of a foul home
13:12But God's a child that's out of a song
13:17Okay, so today, let's start with high school.
13:20I was gorgeous, smart, and popular.
13:22College, same.
13:22Now that's when Frank came in.
13:24Before we get into that,
13:25let me just play you something.
13:28I stood there, shivering in my pajamas, and...
13:31I think this is the soundtrack
13:32for the first chapter of the book.
13:34I thought all over, I said to myself...
13:36Books don't have soundtracks.
13:38No, the soundtrack I'll listen to
13:39while I write that section of your life.
13:41Oh my God, that is such a cool way to do it.
13:44God, when I write,
13:45I just change out of my sleep pajamas
13:47to my daytime pajamas.
13:49Maybe close your eyes to really feel it?
13:54I don't know.
13:55I have a Pulitzer.
14:01Oh, wow.
14:03This does feel good.
14:04Right?
14:05She gets it.
14:11Oh, I love this song.
14:14Hi, Tony.
14:15Is that all there is?
14:19Is that all there is?
14:23If that's all there is, my friends,
14:28then let's keep dancing.
14:31Oh, Fatty.
14:33I can't be alone.
14:35I wish I could hold you just one more time.
14:42I can't believe I'm saying this,
14:43but Deborah actually would be better for this part.
14:45Uh, yeah.
14:46Anybody would.
14:47Let's go out.
14:49I'm sorry, guys.
14:50I'm really having trouble accessing the emotions today.
14:53No, no, no, darling.
14:54You're doing fantastic.
14:55We love it.
14:57I hate it.
14:58She's so bad.
14:59Yeah, she's been horrible all day.
15:00Do you think that maybe she'd be better
15:02if we put peanut butter on the roof of her mouth?
15:04What?
15:05We recently did the last three reboots.
15:07She's kidding, I think.
15:07I'm not kidding.
15:08I hope.
15:08Look, I hate to say this,
15:10but I do think we should recast her.
15:12You do?
15:13That's a good idea.
15:13I mean, this movie's about a comedian, right?
15:15It's leaning a little maudlin.
15:17I think you should put a comedian in the role, right?
15:20What about Deborah Vance?
15:23It's an interesting idea.
15:24Does she act at all?
15:25Are you kidding?
15:26She was the lead of Who's Making Dinner?
15:27Groundbreaking sitcom in the 70s.
15:29Oh, wow.
15:29She's great at that.
15:30And you know what is crazy?
15:30Her story is exactly like Fatty's.
15:32I mean, she was cast aside by the public.
15:34She was maligned.
15:34But then she rose from the ashes.
15:36It's actually really good for the narrative,
15:37and I think she'd be amazing in the park.
15:38That was very inspiring, Kayla.
15:40I just totally came up with it.
15:41Didn't she go crazy or something?
15:43No, no, no.
15:43That was a coordinated smear campaign.
15:45That is absolutely false.
15:46I can tell you, Esme.
15:47All those things you've read.
15:48Something not true.
15:49She's sassier than ever.
15:50Okay, great.
15:50I love it.
15:51Let's do it.
15:52Okay.
15:52Awesome.
15:53And you have to fire Esme
15:54because I'm not good at being direct with people.
15:56You're a director.
15:58I know.
15:59Okay.
16:00Great.
16:01Cool.
16:02Moving on, everyone.
16:03All right, moving on.
16:06God, I can't believe you recorded a book already.
16:08Oh, no, no.
16:08The book's not happening.
16:10I fired Kushner.
16:11You fired Tony Kushner?
16:13Hmm?
16:13Oh, Deborah!
16:15God!
16:16I was going to slowly develop a relationship with him
16:18over the course of years
16:19and then eventually ask him to read my script,
16:20and he was going to love it.
16:22You know how it is with men.
16:23If they're not moving at your pace,
16:24it just gets boring and painful after a while.
16:26Okay, so why are we in a recording studio, then?
16:29I had McKinsey run the numbers
16:31to see if I could still get a Grammy this year.
16:34Deborah, we talked about you not using McKinsey.
16:37You said I could do it if it was for a good cause.
16:39No, I didn't.
16:40Well, it is, and I did.
16:42Apparently, it is an incredibly weak year
16:43for one Grammy category.
16:46Regional Mexican music album, including Tejano.
16:50And?
16:51And if I'm featured with the frontrunner,
16:52and they win, which they will cause it's a weak year,
16:55I get my G!
16:56Yay!
16:58Hey, Deborah.
16:59We're ready for you.
17:00Thanks.
17:02Okay, wish me luck.
17:06Did you know about this?
17:07Yes.
17:11Hi, hi.
17:11Hello, how are you doing?
17:12Good.
17:13All right.
17:15Hit it!
17:36Oh, God.
17:37I hate firing people.
17:39Let's do good cop, bad cop.
17:40I'll be bad cop.
17:41They're sexier.
17:42Okay.
17:43Just...
17:44We should see a concert soon.
17:46I'm kind of in the mood for a concert.
17:48All right.
17:49Come in.
17:51Hi there.
17:52It's Jimmy and Kayla.
17:53Yeah.
17:54Hi.
17:54Hi.
17:55We need to talk to you, honey.
17:57Okay.
17:58Sure.
17:58Come on in.
17:59Oh, thank you so much for welcoming us into your space.
18:03Of course.
18:06We should start by saying that you, madam,
18:09have been just so punctual.
18:12Of course I'm punctual.
18:13That being said, you're bad.
18:15You're acting's ass.
18:16Hey.
18:17And you're being outperformed by a dead corpse, mama.
18:19Okay.
18:19Sorry about her.
18:20Give us a second.
18:21That was insane.
18:22But honestly, it's on me.
18:23I should have never let you be bad cop.
18:24You be good cop.
18:25Okay.
18:26Kind of an oxymoron, though.
18:27Fucking pigs.
18:28Just be as nice as you possibly can, okay?
18:30Okay.
18:31I'll be the nicest girl in the whole world.
18:33Sorry about that, hon.
18:34I'm super bipolar.
18:36Oh, my God.
18:36I did not know that.
18:38Um, yeah, I, uh, I'm really sorry about that.
18:41But unfortunately, I do have some bad news.
18:44Okay.
18:45Those are your real lips.
18:47If so, your boyfriend's one lucky son of a bitch.
18:50I have a wife.
18:52Oh, chaos.
18:53Listen, there's no easy way to say this.
18:56You are being recast.
18:57What?
18:58Oh, my God.
18:59You are terminated and effective immediately.
19:01Please pack up your things and return your costume and the wig cap.
19:03Fuck you, Jimmy.
19:04Seriously?
19:05What?
19:05I mean, this is so unfair, right?
19:08Insane.
19:08Wrong.
19:09Let's get the union involved.
19:11You jackass.
19:11No, we're not getting the union involved.
19:13We're just recasting.
19:14It happens every day.
19:14No, I mean, seriously, you've been mistreated in the workplace.
19:16No, she hasn't.
19:17This is just a recasting.
19:18It happens every day in Hollywood.
19:19I've never seen something like this.
19:20It happens a lot, okay?
19:22Unfortunately, this decision is final.
19:24You're fired.
19:24But you're also signed by us as a client.
19:28Really?
19:29Mm-hmm.
19:29Kayla.
19:30I am seeking representation.
19:31Well, you found it.
19:32Schaefer and Lusak.
19:33Welcome to the family.
19:34Oh, my God.
19:36Yeah, we should definitely get a dinner on the books.
19:38Yay!
19:39Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
19:43Tastes will come back.
19:45Oh, don't get still to be the spot.
19:47I'm a screenwriter.
19:48I consider myself a playwright who's learned to write screenplays.
19:52Or perhaps I should say, I'm a playwright who's learned to write screenplays for Steven Spielberg.
19:56Hello.
19:57Hey, what's up?
19:58I've been thinking the real way to cement my legacy is for me to primary AOC.
20:05What do you think?
20:07Oh, um, yeah.
20:10Yeah, totally.
20:11That sounds good.
20:11I guess we'd have to get you a New York address first in the Bronx.
20:15That could be cool.
20:16We could hang out there.
20:16I heart New York.
20:17I would love to hang out in New York City a lot more.
20:19I would love that.
20:20Okay, that's it.
20:21What is wrong with you?
20:23Nothing.
20:23What are you talking about?
20:24You're not challenging me in your normal,
20:26Why haven't you ever considered Ava way?
20:29I'm just trying to be supportive.
20:30Well, I don't need a yes man.
20:31I need a no woman to ignore.
20:34Okay, well, fine.
20:38Uh, yeah, things got really dark in Singapore and it was really scary seeing you that way.
20:43And now you're back and you're motivated and it's just nice to see you getting out of bed every day
20:47excited.
20:49Well, okay.
20:53But, you know, I do, sometimes, need you to be honest with me.
21:00Okay, well, I don't think performing Tejano music is how you want to rewrite your legacy.
21:05Por que no?
21:08I just, I don't know that, like, trying to find some loophole to game the system in an obscure awards
21:13category is what you want to be remembered for, is it?
21:16Maybe.
21:16Maybe.
21:18I mean, this non-compete could be a blessing in disguise.
21:20I could discover something new I'm brilliant at, my, my true calling.
21:23I mean, look at Woody Allen, he's, he's a gifted clarinetist.
21:26Doll, Woody Allen is not going to be remembered for playing the clarinet or the movies or the bucket hat.
21:31It's going to be the other thing, okay?
21:33And you are going to be remembered for comedy because you're a comedian.
21:37You said it yourself in your final monologue, remember?
21:39Oh, God, I don't remember what I said. I certainly haven't watched it.
21:43Yeah, well, maybe you should.
21:47Okay. What is the biggest achievement for a comedian?
21:51Beating a rape trial.
21:52Seriously?
21:54Hosting a late night show.
21:56Come on, anything else?
21:59Selling out Madison Square Garden.
22:02Okay, great.
22:03But I can't do that.
22:07I can't perform.
22:08I know, and I don't know how to get around that.
22:11I don't know what to do.
22:12So you have a bump, but no pitch.
22:17Yeah, I'm sorry.
22:19Yeah, me too.
22:27I'm going to bed.
22:31I don't know how to get around that.
23:06No results.
23:08Unbelievable.
23:08Yeah, they've taken down every late night clip.
23:11This is criminal.
23:12Hang on.
23:14Oh, shit.
23:15What?
23:17They took down my bad, too.
23:20What?
23:24Why would my special be gone?
23:27Because it's on their streamer.
23:28Bob Luka controls that, too.
23:30They fucking scrubbed everything.
23:33Everything.
23:35Everything that we have worked on for the past five years
23:37is gone.
23:39They're not just rewriting me.
23:41They are erasing me.
23:43I'm so sorry.
23:45You know, the last time the press smeared me,
23:48I just let them.
23:49I leaned into it.
23:50But not this time.
23:51This time, I am writing my story.
23:53Because you're right.
23:53I am a comedian.
23:55And I'm doing comedy.
23:56And I'm doing it tomorrow night.
23:58Totally.
23:59Super support you.
24:00But how are you going to...
24:01Call Jimmy, manager!
24:02Being let go is a normal part of the business.
24:05I'm sure she'll be okay.
24:06Thank you, Warner.
24:07But again, I do want to revisit
24:08working on your boundaries with Glias.
24:11I've been thinking about that a lot.
24:12And I, um...
24:13Oh, shh.
24:14You know what?
24:14Debra's calling.
24:15Same time next week?
24:16Great.
24:18Hey, Debra.
24:19Hi.
24:19Hi, hi, hi.
24:19I hope it's not too late.
24:20No, no, this is great.
24:21I actually want to talk to you.
24:22I just figured it was too late for you.
24:24Are you ready for your close-up, Mr. Vance?
24:26What?
24:27I got you a part.
24:28Your Oscar is just one great performance,
24:30nomination, flawless campaign, and win away.
24:33No, I'm over that.
24:34Don't need an Oscar anymore.
24:35No, yes, you do.
24:36You need it.
24:36You told me you needed it.
24:37And we recast somebody.
24:39We're putting you on the call sheet right now.
24:40Jimmy, I'm doing stand-up tomorrow.
24:42Oh, no.
24:43You're sundown in Darlin'.
24:44You cannot perform.
24:46No, I'm going to do a secret show.
24:47We're going to confiscate phones.
24:49Well, no venue's going to agree to that.
24:51They don't have to.
24:53I know a guy.
24:56Password?
24:57Hermes Kelly 28 croc gold hardware.
25:03Follow me.
25:04You're just a tag.
25:15Phones, please.
25:16If your babysitter calls, Damien here will handle it.
25:19And if you try to sneak in a device, you will be tased.
25:22They are good.
25:22Follow me and watch your step.
25:24We are not liable if you fall, ladies.
25:25Open any heart candy now.
25:27So help me God.
25:28If I hear a rustle, you're gone.
25:31Sit.
25:31Right this way.
25:32Front row.
25:33Best seat in the house.
25:34You do have to sit on the floor, though.
25:35Sorry about that.
25:35Did you get your mom yet?
25:36The Arbuckle movie is freaking out.
25:38All right, let me try her again.
25:44I'm so sorry, everybody.
25:45I'm so sorry.
25:47Oh, it's my son calling.
25:49He's been trying to reach me.
25:51Hi, honey.
25:51What's going on?
25:52You know that we shoot until midnight every night.
25:53I know.
25:54I'm sorry.
25:54Just listen.
25:55I got you a role in the Fatty Arbuckle movie.
25:57Okay.
25:58Say more.
25:59Here's the only issue.
25:59We lose our location Saturday, so we have to shoot tomorrow.
26:02Can you be off book for eight pages by morning?
26:04Baby, are you kidding?
26:05I'm in soaps.
26:06I could be off book for Hamlet in 20 minutes.
26:08Oh, great.
26:09Okay.
26:10Oh, the show's starting.
26:11I gotta go.
26:11I'll text you.
26:12All right.
26:12Love you.
26:13Okay.
26:14When my mom is in, she's gonna do it.
26:16Debra!
26:18Debra!
26:19Debra!
26:21Debra!
26:22Debra!
26:23Debra!
26:24Debra!
26:24Debra!
26:25Debra!
26:26Debra!
26:27Debra!
26:40Debra!
26:46Oh, thank you.
26:48Here I am, back from the dead.
26:54You know, when a man does that, he's the son of God.
26:56When a woman does it, she's held for questioning at LAX.
27:01The only other time I was mistaken for a corpse
27:03is when I let a straight man do my makeup.
27:10You know, when you're away from the spotlight,
27:14you have time to think about what really matters.
27:18The spotlight!
27:19God!
27:35Oh, can I try the kitty cat?
27:37Mmm.
27:38Oh, that is fierce.
27:40Stunning.
27:41Stunning.
27:41Oh.
27:42Excuse me.
27:43Are you Deborah Vance?
27:44Yes, I'm alive.
27:46And you've been served.
27:51Bitch!
27:53Shit, there's a video of you from the show online.
27:55I can't believe Viles people found it so quickly.
27:57Looks like we're going to court.
27:59Ma'am, when you need that ring back?
28:00She'll give it back when she's ready.
28:27We've just learned the judge has ruled that due to Comstar's investment
28:30in promoting Deborah Vance as the host of Late Night,
28:32the clause barring her from performing is, in fact, enforceable.
28:35A temporary restraining order will be put in place
28:37until a full trial can be set.
28:39This is a huge loss for Ms. Vance and her team.
28:42We'll be covering...
28:43Oh, Deborah!
28:43Okay, okay.
28:45Give us some space, please.
28:46Just stay back.
28:48Free speech is under attack in this country.
28:51Today, I have been told that I cannot so much as perform
28:53one single joke or I will go to jail.
28:57But they can't censor me forever.
28:59The moment that my contract expires, I will be speaking my truth.
29:02In fact, I'll be shouting it at my comeback show
29:05at the world's most famous arena, Madison Square Garden.
29:12Excuse us, guys.
29:12Excuse us, please.
29:13Back it up.
29:14Back up.
29:15Give us some room.
29:17The Garden?
29:19Yeah.
29:20It's the ultimate win for a comedian.
29:21If I sell it out, I'll be one of only a handful who've ever done it.
29:24And that will be my legacy.
29:26You know, for a woman who can't be on camera, you've just got a lot of air time.
29:30Mm-hmm.
29:31Wait.
29:32You leaked that video, didn't you?
29:34No!
29:35I did.
29:36That was a great pitch.
29:37We had to announce somehow.
29:40Oh, my God.
29:42Just say
29:43I ain't been left
29:45No, no, no
29:47I ain't been left
29:49I ain't been left
29:51I ain't been left
29:56I'm back
29:57Back in the New York
29:58Hey!
30:00Learn how to drive you, Jabroni!
30:02I'll see you at the bottom of the fucking Hudson!
30:07It's so great to be back in New York.
30:09Yeah.
30:10What?
30:10What?
30:11Oh, well!
30:12Oh!
30:13Oh!
30:14Oh!
30:14Oh!
30:15Oh!
30:16Oh!
30:17Oh!
30:28Oh, I see that!
30:29Hi, pretty!
30:34Oh, look at that view!
30:36That's gorgeous.
30:40You know, I can't accept bribes.
30:42Bribes?
30:42I don't have to say bribes.
30:44No, this is...
30:44I just have a little shirt.
30:45I just have a little shirt.
30:47I just have a little shirt.
30:49Uh...
30:49Well, I heard that you were, understandably, less than pleased that I announced I was doing
30:54a show at your esteemed venue before I had actually booked it, and I just wanted
30:58to come in person and apologize and say, I cannot wait to work together.
31:01You're right.
31:02I was very pissed off, because that is not how things work around here.
31:06No.
31:06I'm sorry.
31:08And if you would come to me, I would have told you that I don't think you're right for
31:11MSG.
31:12I think you're right for, uh, Radio City.
31:14I think you're right for Webster Hall.
31:16Ha!
31:17I know this bitch didn't just say Webster Hall.
31:19Oh.
31:20Okay.
31:20I can tell you're a whole... deal.
31:23She is.
31:23But we do feel very strongly that the garden is the best venue for someone of Deborah's
31:27stature.
31:27Okay.
31:28The talk show was great, but you don't have the cops.
31:32You haven't toured in years.
31:33You barely have any social media presence.
31:35It's just...
31:36It's too much of a gamble.
31:37I will sell out.
31:40And even if I don't, what does it matter to you?
31:42I mean, we will front the rental costs.
31:43You'll be off the hook.
31:44It's not just about the money.
31:45If you are playing MSG, you are the center of cultural conversation.
31:49I mean, our venue is a major part of New York City's history.
31:52We can't just let anyone perform here.
31:54I'm sorry.
31:55Isn't there a live true crime podcast playing tonight?
31:57Murder My Stupid Ass Please has over 90 million monthly listeners.
32:01It is hosted by two of the most popular people in America.
32:04They swayed the presidential election.
32:06You know, I think you might be underestimating Deborah's fans, because
32:08they are rabid.
32:09They abducted me once.
32:10I got free, but I didn't call the cops because they are so sweet.
32:14My point is, they're enthusiastic, and these tickets are going to sell.
32:18I just don't see it.
32:19This won't be just a stand-up show.
32:20This will be historic.
32:22I'm taking down Bob Lipka and his censorship of me and speaking truth to power.
32:26This is bigger than just me.
32:27I'm sorry, Deborah.
32:30I'm so sorry.
32:31I should not have wasted your time with this petty, gifting business.
32:37How do two shares of Berkshire Hathaway Class A stocks up?
32:39Thank you so much for coming by.
32:41Absolutely.
32:42Thanks.
32:42Thanks for your time.
32:43Thanks for your time.
32:45Have a nice day, I guess.
32:49That MSG Booker is dumb, and her leather jacket was stupid.
32:52No, it was a full grain leather and a sophisticated cup.
32:54Fine!
32:55She's rich, cool, and ruining our lives!
32:56I just need to reignite the base.
32:59The Little Deppies would help me with anything.
33:01Do you remember in 93?
33:02They started that hunger strike so I could get reinstated at the spokesperson for Snackwells?
33:05Or when they crashed the Eileen Fisher website the day your cashier dusters dropped?
33:08Yeah, exactly.
33:09What about that autograph you mentioned in Vegas you passed on?
33:11The Little Deppies will love that.
33:12You are a genius!
33:14All right, we get my biggest fans together in one place, I shower them with love and affection,
33:18and then we ask them to organize a grassroots movement to get me Madison Square Garden!
33:22Yeah.
33:22When is it?
33:23Three weeks, the 21st.
33:24That's Ava's birthday.
33:25It's fine.
33:26Are there any other options?
33:27No.
33:27No, no, no.
33:28Honestly, I don't care about my birthday.
33:29I really don't.
33:31You have to at least take the day off.
33:34And hang out with who?
33:35I only have one friend, remember?
33:36What are you talking about?
33:38Remember the last night in Singapore you said it was weird you were my only friend?
33:43You probably don't remember.
33:44You're pretty drunk, girl.
33:45It's fine.
33:46Don't worry.
33:46I didn't survive growing up in Massachusetts by letting a drunk person's insults affect me.
33:50Seriously.
33:51You should do it.
33:52So should I cook it?
33:54Yeah.
33:55Yeah.
33:55Here, Jimmy.
33:56Get the shot.
34:01Perfect.
34:02That's what we've been waiting for?
34:04Yeah.
34:04For content.
34:05I need a chill.
34:06I need one content.
34:07I'm looking for my baby.
34:10Been searching for a long, long time.
34:14I got to find my baby.
34:17Got to get this feeling off my mind.
34:21You need to hurt us.
34:23Good morning, my favorite ladies and Damien.
34:26So we've talked to the organizers, slipped them a hundo, and guess what?
34:28They moved Heather Locklear to the other side of the building.
34:31Good.
34:32She's still my exact shade of blonde in 98.
34:34And look, I know you want to be out by 3, so I'm going to talk to Billy Baldwin and
34:36see
34:36if he'll give you his time slot in the photo studio.
34:38Perfect, yeah.
34:38I don't want to be here too late.
34:39Okay.
34:40I'm going to head to the table.
34:41All right.
34:41See you over there.
34:43And you.
34:44Happy birthday, birthday girl.
34:47Oh, thanks.
34:48I know we normally get you a gift, but we are a little low on funds this year.
34:50I'm sorry about that.
34:51Don't even worry about it.
34:52Oh my God.
34:52I finished your mall girl strip last night.
34:54Ava.
34:54It is so good.
34:56Oh.
34:57Yeah, I laughed.
34:57I cried.
34:58It's like, it's emotional and cinematic.
35:00It's really special and I can't wait to send it around.
35:01Oh my God.
35:02Amazing.
35:03I'm proud of you.
35:04Oh.
35:05Coffee birthday girl.
35:06Wow.
35:07This is a really fancy tray.
35:08Had it custom made.
35:10Heaters built in, USB charging, patent pending.
35:13You're a really good assistant.
35:15You know, in Hollywood it's not about good or bad.
35:17It's about power.
35:19Nice watch.
35:25Honey, I would love to sign this, but I can't legally.
35:28Bye.
35:32Bye.
35:35Bye.
35:35Hey, my little jammies.
35:41Bye.
35:45Hello.
35:47Hello.
35:47Oh, wow.
35:49The DV industry Swiss army knife.
35:50It's got it all.
35:51It's got the tweezers.
35:52It's got the brow spoolie.
35:54And come on.
35:55Who could ask for more than that?
35:56Very rare item.
35:58Actually, it's widely available on the internet.
35:59Which you'd know if you were still active on the DV message boards.
36:02Um, how would you, how would you like to use your name?
36:04Just your name, please.
36:05Okay.
36:10It's great to see you.
36:13Hey.
36:14How's it going?
36:15Oddly, I do see.
36:17Well, I just met the actor who gave Dawson a blowjob on the boat in season 3.
36:20So I'm feeling starstruck and amazing.
36:22One autograph.
36:23Hi there.
36:23Hi.
36:25Hi.
36:25Oh, hey.
36:26Sorry, I think the line starts back there.
36:28Oh, no.
36:28I'm actually here for you.
36:30I am a huge fan.
36:32Of me?
36:33Yeah.
36:34I was obsessed with Girl Town and you always wrote the best episodes.
36:37Oh, my God.
36:38I left college for that job.
36:40I know.
36:41And then I followed you on Twitter.
36:43Even now I'll just randomly look up your old tweets sometimes.
36:45Oh, no.
36:46Don't do that.
36:47Anyway, then I saw my bad because I heard that you'd worked on it.
36:51Yeah.
36:52I'd never even seen Debra before.
36:53I mean, it's kind of crazy how you've changed the whole trajectory of her career.
36:58She's mad lucky to have you.
37:00I wish she said that a little louder, but thank you.
37:02Will you sign your Times Magazine cover?
37:06Yes.
37:07I've never signed anything for anyone before.
37:10Wow.
37:11This is amazing.
37:12I really now understand why parasocial relationships are replacing real ones.
37:16But seriously, thank you for all that you contribute to society.
37:21Anytime.
37:25I'll catch you around.
37:27Yeah, I'll be around all day.
37:28Cooley.
37:29Cooley.
37:31Cooley.
37:32I can't tell you.
37:33Sorry.
37:33Hey.
37:34It's on me.
37:35Thanks.
37:36Thanks for coming.
37:37Oh, Ezekiel.
37:39Oh, Ezekiel.
37:39Nice to see a familiar face.
37:40What can I sign for you?
37:41I've actually signed something for you.
37:43It's my resignation letter as president of the Debra Vance Fan Club Southwest Branch.
37:48Ezekiel, you've been a pillar of the Little Debbie community for years.
37:51I heard that Kathy Griffin is looking for an infusion into her base, so I am taking my talents elsewhere.
37:56Okay.
37:56Okay.
37:57What is going on?
37:58What is the problem?
37:59The problem is that you went Hollywood.
38:02I did not go Hollywood.
38:04Yes, you did.
38:05You haven't sent out Debra's do's and don'ts in almost two years.
38:08I don't know what to do or what not to do.
38:10Sometimes I just sit in the dark.
38:11Yeah.
38:12You discontinued your car insurance plan, but now I'm uninsured.
38:17Oh, honey, you've got to have insurance.
38:19And you discontinued the Debra Vance red light mask.
38:21I liked the burns.
38:22It eventually turned to tan.
38:23Yeah.
38:24You want to make your a lizard.
38:28Get into a single file line or you will be tased.
38:31Do not fuck with me.
38:36You should have dressed the lizard thing without gaining traction.
38:41Who's next?
38:42And you really don't mind switching with Debra?
38:43Oh, no, no, no.
38:44Not at all.
38:44That ranch you did against Lipka?
38:46Gold.
38:47Legend.
38:48That's a freaking animal.
38:49Tell me about it.
38:49Plus, she always invites me to her Fourth of July party.
38:52I never go, but the invite's always nice.
38:55Well, you're going to be on the list forever, ma'am.
38:56We appreciate you.
38:57Never too big, Jimmy.
38:59Never too big.
39:00My man.
39:00All right.
39:01Okay.
39:02Now, that's a guy I could be friends with.
39:03I love him.
39:04Exactly what I'd like to hear from you, boss.
39:05Because I do not want to see you fall prey to the male loneliness epidemic.
39:09No.
39:09I know.
39:10It's terrible.
39:10My Uncle Morty shot himself in the head.
39:12It's Rene O'Connor.
39:14Who's that?
39:15From Xena Warrior Princess.
39:16The show.
39:16The show on the WB.
39:17Oh, TV show.
39:18Yeah.
39:19I haven't made it to TV yet.
39:20I'm still making it through all the movies.
39:22She's Xena.
39:23No, that's Gabrielle.
39:24That's Xena's battle partner, her confidant.
39:26She's a traveling bard.
39:27Well, you gotta go say hi.
39:28Hell no.
39:29I would be so nervous.
39:30I would faint.
39:31No, I couldn't.
39:31I mean, I've seen every episode multiple times.
39:33I even still have a recurring dream that I'm helping Xena save Prometheus so that humans
39:36don't lose their capacity for healing and fire.
39:38Jimmy, you're meeting her.
39:39You'll regret it if you don't.
39:40Come on.
39:41You think?
39:41I know so.
39:42Okay.
39:43Okay.
39:43God, I wish I had a beta blocker.
39:44Alright, let's go.
39:46Woo!
39:47So, are you working on anything else other than writing for Debra?
39:50Yeah.
39:51Yeah, I actually just read a movie about a girl who lives at the mall.
39:53Oh, such a good idea.
39:55Got my tickets.
39:56I am so russat.
39:57You're so sweet.
39:59Shit, wait.
39:59This is just occurring to me.
40:01Are you gonna have to leave, Debra?
40:02No, no.
40:03I mean, especially not after what she did for me at late night.
40:06Hmm.
40:09So, what's your, like, dream?
40:12You know, I've always wanted to create my own show.
40:14Oh.
40:14I was voted most likely to showrun my high school yearbook.
40:18I mean, I did create the super elitid, but still.
40:20I really hope this isn't weird that I know this, but, um, it's your birthday today, right?
40:25Yeah.
40:26Yes, it is.
40:27And you're turning 30, right?
40:29Yeah.
40:30Oof.
40:30Pretty big milestone.
40:32Are you, like, freaking out about where you're at in your life?
40:34No, no.
40:35I mean, no, not really.
40:37I don't think.
40:37Should I?
40:38No.
40:38No, I'm not.
40:40Well, I'd love to get you something for your birthday.
40:42Like a cupcake, or...
40:44You don't have to.
40:45But if they have chocolate cake, I'd take chocolate icing.
40:48Or if they have vanilla cake, I still would want chocolate icing.
40:50But if funfetti's in the mix, of course, I'd have...
40:52They just have corn muffins.
40:53Perfect.
40:55It's your day.
40:56I don't...
40:57Why are you performing only at Madison Square?
40:59I'm gonna end up for us with New Hampshire.
41:00I mean, we are important, too.
41:01We booked a revolutionary war fleet.
41:03And we so appreciate that.
41:05You stopped doing your annual Christmas conference call.
41:07Now, how are we supposed to sync up our microthing?
41:09You never published another book of Debokus.
41:11And the regular Sudokus are just too hard.
41:14I'm mad you left QVC.
41:15And I'm mad you didn't leave QVC earlier.
41:19Work it out.
41:20I miss Marcus.
41:21Damien never sends us locks of your hair.
41:25You didn't endorse a candidate in the presidential election, so I didn't vote.
41:29And now my kids won't talk to me.
41:31I sent you two suspicious packages and didn't even receive a cease and desist letter.
41:34You used to care.
41:35Okay, that's it.
41:36I need a break.
41:37Ten minute break.
41:41These people are impossible to please.
41:43I mean, my fans seem to think I owe them every single moment of my life.
41:46Think of it this way.
41:46Today, you are being paid to be Elda.
41:49For some people, that's a kink.
41:53Oh yeah, this is classic Abby, yeah.
41:55Oh, she looks the exact same.
41:57Did you know it was actually the fans that saw Xena as a guest character on Hercules
42:00and they were so enthusiastic that they actually helped get the spin-off series made?
42:03Grassroots movements are always so inspiring.
42:06That is, until they turn bloodthirsty.
42:08Next!
42:09Here we go, here we go.
42:10We paid?
42:11Hi.
42:12I'm Renee.
42:12I'm Renee.
42:13I'm Renee.
42:14I'm Jimmy.
42:17I'm so sorry.
42:18This is weird because, okay, I'm a manager in LA, so I never get starstruck, but I think
42:22that you were such a talent and the series meant so much to me.
42:25I was so lucky to be a part of that world.
42:27Have you ever thought about doing a rewatch podcast?
42:29You know, they're really big right now where you go through old episodes and discuss them.
42:31I don't think enough people want to hear me talk about that.
42:33Girl, shut up!
42:35We love the show.
42:36We watched it all.
42:36People would love that content.
42:38Like the Hope storyline, you know?
42:39When did you realize your daughter was going to be evil?
42:41Was it from the beginning or did it slowly dawn on you?
42:43Well, her father was a wicked demigod, so it kind of tipped it off for me.
42:46Right.
42:47Mysteriously impregnated at a demon ritual.
42:49I was like, that's going to come back.
42:49Yeah, it did.
42:50Yeah.
42:51Do you mind if we get a photo?
42:52Of course.
42:53I'm sorry.
42:54I'm sweating.
42:57Ah, smile big!
42:59Bigger!
43:00Ah, Judy!
43:01Not that big, not that big.
43:02Split the difference.
43:02Split the difference.
43:03Yeah, you should just start over and get all new fans.
43:05I mean, there are people born every day, right?
43:07I gotta tell you, I mean, as someone who just got their first fan, you really need to cherish
43:10these fans.
43:10It's been 12 minutes and I said time.
43:12Oh!
43:13Okay, hey.
43:14Just try to keep it together.
43:15Right?
43:16No promises.
43:19Hello.
43:20How can I do better for you?
43:22Oh, no.
43:22I just wanted to say thank you.
43:25Oh.
43:27You're welcome.
43:27For what?
43:28Well, my mom and I have been, like, huge fans of yours ever since Live Free Your Diet.
43:33And we came to Vegas and we saw you at the Palmetto.
43:36And then we were, like, literally quoting your jokes for 10 hours the entire car ride home.
43:41It was, like, the best weekend.
43:43I'm so glad.
43:45Anyway, we made you something to say thank you.
43:51It's you, Barry, and Kara.
43:54Wow.
43:54And we made this completely out of natural seeds and grains.
43:5829 types.
44:00We were sorting yellow peas for an entire winter just to nail your light honey blonde.
44:06It's gotten a little warped because we made it three years ago, but you haven't been to
44:09any of these so we couldn't get it to you.
44:11But here you go.
44:15That's beautiful.
44:16That's beautiful.
44:18Is your mom here so I can thank her?
44:20Oh, no.
44:22She passed.
44:23In May.
44:26I'm so sorry, honey.
44:29She would be so happy that I was finally able to get this to you.
44:32She really loved you.
44:45I need a minute.
44:48It's okay. Damien, it's okay.
45:06Oh, yeah.
45:07Been there.
45:08It's carpal tunnel.
45:09You need one of these.
45:11No.
45:12It's not bad.
45:13It's...
45:14It's...
45:15Ah.
45:16Fan art so ugly, it moves you to tears.
45:19Something like that.
45:20I once had a guy paint a portrait of me using a stamp pad and his anus.
45:26It's framed in my bathroom.
45:28No, it's not that it's ugly.
45:29I mean...
45:30It is.
45:31I mean, it's just that this...
45:33This woman and her mother spent months of their lives making this.
45:39Oh, yeah.
45:40But so what?
45:41They love doing it.
45:42They support us.
45:44We show up for them.
45:45That's the frickin' deal, Mama.
45:47Well, that's the thing.
45:49I haven't been showing up for them.
45:51And...
45:52They're very mad at me for it.
45:54They'll forgive you.
45:56I don't deserve it.
45:58I just came here to exploit them because I need their help.
46:04Well, just tell them what you need.
46:07They want to feel like they're in a relationship with you and that you need them more than anyone else.
46:11And it sounds like you might.
46:14The truth will set you free, baby doll.
46:17That's all they want.
46:23That and a t-shirt that only some people are allowed to get.
46:42Little Debbies, I have news.
46:47Madison Square Garden won't give me a date because they say I'm not big enough to play it.
46:52So I came here to get you to rally for me.
46:57Which is unfair.
47:00Because...
47:01You're right.
47:02I have neglected you.
47:05And...
47:07I am so sorry.
47:09Hold on.
47:09They're saying you're not big enough to play on SG.
47:12Fuck that!
47:13The Garden would be lucky to have you.
47:15Yeah.
47:17Well, in time I hope that I can regain your trust.
47:19They don't get to tell you what you can and can't do.
47:22That's our job!
47:23You're the greatest comedian of all time!
47:25Yes!
47:26So the Knicks can play MSG but not Debra Vance?
47:30Misogynistic bullshit!
47:31I don't care if you are a lizard.
47:33You deserve to play MSG!
47:36As president of the Little Debbies Tucson chapter, this will not stand.
47:40Wait, sorry.
47:40Sorry.
47:41I thought you were my fan.
47:43What are you talking about?
47:44That's Cindy.
47:44She's the third generation Little Debbie.
47:46That's right.
47:47I'm here for Debra.
47:48I just wanted to replace you and write for her, you stupid bitch.
47:52Oh my God.
47:54So you didn't like any of my tweets?
47:55They're not jokes.
47:56They're thought poems!
47:58Okay.
47:59Debra, who do we talk to about this?
48:02Amanda Weinberg at MSG-Entertainment.com, 1 Madison Square Garden Plaza, Suite 3H.
48:11Shebra, we will get you that motherfucking venue.
48:14That's a promise.
48:15You know what?
48:15If you can do that, I'm making the tickets $20 so you all can come!
48:20And you know what?
48:21I'm bringing back Debra Plus!
48:24And you know what else?
48:25This year's Christmas theme is fuchsia and cherry, the 1997 Redox!
48:36It's good, actually.
48:37I didn't think it would be, but the Macchiato...
48:39It made me sick.
48:39Why?
48:40The Macchiato is really good for me.
48:41Jimmy!
48:42Oh, René!
48:42Hey!
48:43You know, I want to thank you for your advice.
48:45I reached out to Lucy and she loves the Xena rewatch podcast idea.
48:49Lucy Lawless knows my idea?
48:50Yeah.
48:51Well, you know, it's really nice to talk about business with someone who is familiar with
48:54my work.
48:55I never had a rep pitch me any ideas, much less actually watch the whole show.
48:58What?
48:59People are insane.
49:00People are sick.
49:00People are sick.
49:01I don't give it.
49:01Sick people.
49:02Beats of shit.
49:03I'm sure your roster is crowded, but would you ever consider representing me?
49:08Us?
49:09Absolutely.
49:10All right.
49:11Well then, I mean, I probably should give you 10% of what I made today.
49:15No, no, no.
49:15That's not necessary, but thank you.
49:16Are you okay with hundreds?
49:18Yes.
49:19Love that we are.
49:20We are.
49:21This is the money.
49:23Okay.
49:23Well, this was amazing.
49:24Consider yourself a client of Shaefer Lusak.
49:26Yeah, let me put you on an email with Lucy and I next week.
49:28When you're back in LA, we'll take you to dinner.
49:30You like Greek?
49:30I love Greek.
49:31I don't eat octopus though.
49:33Anymore.
49:33They're too intelligent.
49:34That's right.
49:39Eric Estrada with a beast.
49:46Oh my god.
49:48I'm surprised.
49:49This is crazy.
49:51We love you, girl.
49:54Happy birthday, love.
49:58Happy birthday, honey.
50:00Look who's here.
50:01Oh, wow.
50:02Hi.
50:02Hi.
50:03Honey Regan.
50:03It's me.
50:04Hey, how are ya?
50:05Hi.
50:07It's so nice to see you.
50:08It's been forever.
50:09Great graduation.
50:10How could I forget?
50:11Yeah, we've never called.
50:12I told her how inseparable you two were and how it would mean the world to you to be together
50:16on your 30th.
50:17So here we all are.
50:18Absolutely.
50:19Yup.
50:19Yup.
50:20How are you?
50:21Amazing.
50:22Yeah.
50:22I married Greg Holland.
50:24Remember him?
50:26He ran through a glass door.
50:28His cousin drowned in the quarry.
50:29Oh.
50:29Yes, Greg.
50:30He used to put girls in his hockey bag.
50:31Him.
50:31Anyway, we have four kids under six.
50:33Whoa.
50:34Yup.
50:34Yup.
50:34All natural.
50:35Sorry for you.
50:37Anyway, needless to say, I am thrilled to be here.
50:38Yeah, I bet.
50:39I should tell you, Mr. Marsh just died.
50:41Oh.
50:41That's so sad.
50:42No, it's not.
50:42He was a pedophile.
50:43Convicted.
50:44Multiple times over.
50:46Let's party.
50:47Come on.
50:49Oh.
50:51Oh.
50:52Oh.
50:52Oh.
50:52Oh my God.
50:53And we got just a few of your favorite things.
50:57The entire Jack and Bucks menu.
50:58A cranberry kombucha.
51:00Oh, yes.
51:01Cupcakes from a queer bakery.
51:02Oh.
51:02And of course.
51:03Oh my God.
51:04We're two cheese rolls and pappuccino puffin' outs.
51:07I haven't flown in this morning.
51:08I miss these rolls.
51:11I don't want them.
51:13The spray cleans the screen while the brush wipes the crumbs from the keyboard.
51:18Thank you so much.
51:20Please use it.
51:21I will.
51:21Sorry.
51:22Ladies and gentlemen, we have one last surprise.
51:25Please give a warm welcome to Jesse McCartney.
51:34This one goes out to the most special girl in the world.
51:37You know who you are?
51:39It's me.
51:40Happy birthday.
51:41I've heard about this in my middle school journal.
51:43It's coming true.
51:44I know.
51:45I read your journals.
51:46That's why he's here.
51:49I don't want another pretty face.
51:52I don't want just anyone to hold.
51:55I don't want my love to go to waste.
51:57I want you in your beautiful soul.
52:01I want you in your beautiful soul.
52:06I know that you are something special.
52:11And to you I'd be always faithful.
52:15And I want you in your beautiful soul.
52:17And I want to be what you always needed.
52:20And I hope you see the heart in me.
52:24I don't want another pretty face.
52:26I don't want just anyone to hold.
52:29I don't want my love to go to waste.
52:31I want you in your beautiful soul.
52:36Okay, I'm sleeping in late tomorrow.
52:39You can ball your own cantaloupe.
52:41Good night.
52:42Night.
52:42Well, you know what?
52:43I'm going to say goodnight now, too.
52:45I have a 4.15am flight to Papeete to see my boyfriend in the senior world windsurfing competition.
52:50I'm sorry, you have a boyfriend?
52:51Well, I emailed you about him.
52:53I emailed her.
52:53Uh, no.
52:54I don't think you did.
52:55Well, I'm seeing someone, Ava.
52:56And it's become physical.
52:58The first since your father.
52:59Well, depends what you count.
53:01Oh, God.
53:02Well, I love you.
53:03Okay.
53:03Bye.
53:04Night.
53:06Bye.
53:06Awesome.
53:09Wow.
53:10Oh, my God.
53:11That was a successful party.
53:13Yeah.
53:14It's so many friends who showed up for you.
53:17And that Jenny, you know, the one who drank vodka out of one of my really nice wine glasses?
53:22Yes.
53:22Jenny Regan.
53:23The girl I only befriended so that I could play with her hermit crabs.
53:26And then she stopped being my friend when she got her period before me.
53:30Oh.
53:31Brian's a friend.
53:32Yeah.
53:33And you got a lot of them here.
53:39Deborah, did you only throw me at this party because you feel bad about what you said on the boat
53:42in Singapore?
53:44No.
53:46I mean, it's your birthday.
53:47You deserve a party.
53:48A birthday party.
53:49Wow.
53:50Did you ever hear of one of those?
53:51Guilt looks good on you.
53:53Deborah, you don't have to feel guilty about that.
53:56You're not wrong.
53:58You are my only friend.
54:01What hurt me was that you said it was weird because I don't think it is.
54:06You know, I think you're the reason that I haven't been there for the Little Debbies.
54:12You know, I used to spend so much time with my fans, but it wasn't for them.
54:17It was for me.
54:19I mean, they were my friends.
54:23Because I never really had any.
54:25Yes, you did.
54:26You had friends.
54:27You've always had friends.
54:28You have tons of friends.
54:29You know, I was popular.
54:33I never had a best friend.
54:38Well, I mean, you know, my sister, you know, we know how that went.
54:43So I just relied more and more on the Little Debbies and it was as much for me as it
54:49was for them.
54:52But then I met you.
54:56And I didn't need them so much anymore.
54:59That makes sense.
55:02I'm your number one fan.
55:06Hey, oh, oh, oh.
55:08You've got 50 minutes left on your birthday.
55:10What do you want to do?
55:18That's a new phone background.
55:20Oh, someone's smoking the Cheech.
55:22Be you.
55:23You're still here.
55:25Oh, yeah.
55:26I just fucked Jesse McCutney.
55:29Yeah.
55:30You cheated on Greg?
55:31Okay, you don't know our arrangement.
55:33Wow, okay.
55:33You open?
55:34No.
55:36Hey, you mind if I rinse off in your swimming pool?
55:38I don't like a UTI.
55:39Sure.
55:40Wonderful.
55:43Wow, a lot of salt and pepper shakers.
55:44You think you got enough?
55:46Sorry about that.
55:47Oh, here.
55:48Try this.
55:51What is it?
55:52It's my pumpkin yogurt bread batter.
55:54I want to include a fat-free recipe in my newsletter tomorrow.
55:57Because my Little Debbies are going to need all the energy they can get.
56:02Absolutely.
56:03I was going to say get out of my head because when he, when he took the old set.
56:12Katie's remains were never recovered from that creep.
56:14All right, I'm serious.
56:16Put your shoes on, honey.
56:17This episode of Murder My Stupid Ass, please, is sponsored by Deb for MSG.
56:20Go to change.org today and add your name to the petition.
56:22Amanda.
56:31Oh good.
56:32This is all for you.
56:33What?
56:36Oh my god, they found my home address.
56:38Oh my god, no.
56:39I, I, I don't want anything to do with this.
56:41Return to sender.
56:42Except the old lady.
56:44I got three other bands.
56:45I am being stuck and harassed.
56:47Return to sender.
56:48Gracias!
57:14I understand many of you have been waiting for me to speak on this.
57:17So hear me now. I am not a lizard. And I know that is something a lizard would say. However...
57:25That was really, really believable, though.
57:27Yeah? Thanks.
57:28Perfectly.
57:29The harassment has got to stop.
57:32Still don't think it's a good idea, but I'm giving you a date at the garden.
57:36Oh, okay. Wow, that's fantastic.
57:39Yeah, great. Thanks, Amanda. We'll talk real soon.
57:45We'll go to MSG!
57:46Yes!
57:48One!
57:49September 11.
57:509-11.
57:51It was the only date available.
57:53Great!
57:54Ah! Here we go!
57:56Ow, that hurt!
57:57God, it's like high-fiving the whole...
57:59...of your step!
58:01Come on!
58:01Ah ha!