- 32 minutes ago
Entertainment
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00MUSIC
00:07Ready, you sir?
00:09What are you f***ing about? Good boy.
00:11So, Dan, week three.
00:14Tricky week for you, this one, wasn't it? Yeah.
00:16You was missing home quite a bit. I was missing home on week three.
00:19And also, it was focused around religion and spirituality.
00:25It was school-trippy. It was very school-trippy. It was, wasn't it?
00:28But I did love religious studies in school.
00:31All I needed was a tweed blazer. Yeah.
00:34A pair of sandals and socks, you know, a little rucksack.
00:37And a little clipboard.
00:39Because the Italians... They're very religious.
00:41F*** it now.
00:46Last summer, I took my firstborn on an unforgettable dad-daughter road trip.
00:53We are in a country where the most sacred of all animals, alright?
00:57Yeah.
00:58Is a f***ing donkey.
00:59I realised Martini had a few gaps to fill in our general knowledge.
01:03What do we know about the Pope? Who is he? What does he do?
01:05I don't know what the Pope does. What does the Pope do?
01:07People say Italy has the best culture and cuisine in the world.
01:11I figured it was the place to get stuck in.
01:14To Italy! Cheers!
01:16Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
01:17I don't want to get shot in my eyes.
01:19To gorge on it all. Basil Mojito.
01:21Sort of in the mouth of the pesto.
01:23Oh, f***ing hell, shot. He's bulked it.
01:25Get it away from me!
01:26It would be very rare that I would be proud that you would be eating sperm.
01:29Well done. Congratulations.
01:30To learn a bit.
01:31That is a penis.
01:32It's a mushroom.
01:33I've seen some mad stuff in my time.
01:36But I've never seen cocks on the ceiling.
01:38Do you know what it makes me want to do?
01:43And see what the dyers make of all this travel caper.
01:47I can't believe you're in a skirt.
01:48Absolutely.
01:49Absolutely.
01:50You're not an apple kind of guy.
01:52I am absolutely shitting myself.
02:03Just the one cornetto.
02:06Huh?
02:07Give it to me.
02:09I could eat a cornetto.
02:11Yeah, I could have a cornetto.
02:12Do you know what I love?
02:13The chocolate ending.
02:15Whoever thought of that is...
02:16Yeah, it's a bonus, isn't it?
02:18Because you enjoy the old thing.
02:19The little chunk in the bowl, yeah.
02:20And then you know at the end you've got that extra bit of trash.
02:22It's like a screwball.
02:24I'm not really a lover of a screwball.
02:25What?
02:26It was like Christmas as a kid.
02:27We were skinned.
02:28I had to have a screwball in me hands.
02:29F***ing that.
02:30No, I know.
02:30And them little plastic pots in it.
02:32Yeah, I felt 12 feet tall.
02:33You probably can't get a cornetto in Italy.
02:36Of course you can.
02:38I don't know.
02:38What they've done, the company,
02:39they've associated cornettos with Italy,
02:42you know, when he's on the old boat
02:43and in the old gondola.
02:44When actually, it's got f***ing to do with Italy.
02:47Really?
02:48Yeah, they're probably made in Wrexham.
02:50God.
02:53I'm taking Mardan to Rome,
02:55the eternal city,
02:57birthplace of the Catholic faith
02:59and home to more churches than Essex has nail bars.
03:05Well, religion, what do we make of it?
03:06What does it mean?
03:07Well, it's new religions now, like Scientology.
03:09What sort of religion is that?
03:10I don't know, but they believe in aliens and all.
03:12It's just, it's quite an alieny one, that one.
03:14Well, we believe in aliens.
03:16We don't really follow a religion, do we?
03:18No, with Mummy and Dad being Spanish.
03:20Yeah.
03:20We'd be a Catholic.
03:21I've been christened.
03:22I don't know.
03:22I sort of get confused by that.
03:24What have I been christened as?
03:26Christian?
03:26Yeah.
03:29If anywhere will inspire us to think about the big man upstairs,
03:33or woman, or however they self-identify,
03:36it's got to be Italy's capital.
03:42Rome.
03:43Or...
03:44Roma.
03:45Roma.
03:46Aren't this beautiful, this bridge?
03:48Well, I think the water looks a bit, er...
03:50A bit River Thames-y.
03:51A bit skaggy, you know?
03:53But what I will say, faith, religion, spirituality,
03:55this is the gap to be.
03:57Okay?
03:58Because this is the home of the Pope.
04:01Yeah.
04:02What do we know about the Pope?
04:02Who is he?
04:03What does he do?
04:05What does he do?
04:06It's a little test for you.
04:07If you don't know nothing, say nothing.
04:08The Pope?
04:09I don't know what the Pope does.
04:10What does the Pope do?
04:11He's the head of the...
04:13Head of Rome?
04:14He's the governor.
04:15He's the governor.
04:15Right.
04:15Do we have a Pope in the UK?
04:17No.
04:17No.
04:17We're popeless.
04:18Okay.
04:19The point is...
04:20So, oh yeah, because we have king and queen,
04:22and they have a Pope?
04:24Er...
04:25Yeah.
04:25Okay.
04:26Er...
04:26There's about 900 churches here.
04:28Lovely.
04:29We're going to 900 churches though, aren't we?
04:31So, you don't want to go and see churches?
04:32It's a bit school-trippy, innit?
04:35Right, okay.
04:36I'll try not to make it too school-trippy.
04:39Right?
04:40We're going to have a little bit of fun.
04:41We're going to munch on some ice cream and all that.
04:43We love all that.
04:44Yeah.
04:44That's what I love to do.
04:46I did love religious studies in school.
04:48I find it fascinating.
04:50Right.
04:50I really do.
04:51That was the point of this leg of the trip,
04:52to try and get you back into that, you know?
04:54So, what do you believe in then?
04:56I don't know really.
04:57It's nothing definitive.
04:59I believe that we have to try to be the best fucking human being we can be while we're on
05:05this earth.
05:06And then we'll see what happens, you know?
05:07Hopefully, your energy will go off to a nice place with the people that you love.
05:10Yeah, like I would like to think that we'll reunite.
05:13We don't want to end up in some weird realm with Jimmy Savile, you know what I mean?
05:17Because...
05:18Fuck that.
05:18Is that hell?
05:19That's hell.
05:20Come now, do you know what I fancy?
05:22What?
05:22I've seen people spinning about in these scooters.
05:25And I think, when in Rome, which is one of the sayings, right?
05:28Yeah, when in Rome.
05:28Let's go and get a couple of scooters.
05:29Let's do it.
05:31If I'm going to keep Dan interested on this leg of the trip, I need to keep things fun.
05:36We're all the wrong shoes.
05:37Calm down.
05:38Oh, it's got a bell.
05:40Right, yeah, right.
05:41Cop for that.
05:42Yeah.
05:42Now.
05:43Very, very simple.
05:45Okay.
05:46You're just going to run.
05:47Run.
05:47Then we're going to push that little button down.
05:48Run and push.
05:49Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:50Push off.
05:51Don't run over old people.
05:54Push it off.
05:55Here we go.
05:56Push it off.
05:56There you go.
06:01Oh, my God.
06:03Well done.
06:04God, I need to run him over.
06:05Don't smash into the soldier.
06:07He's got a gun.
06:08Oh, my God.
06:09I don't want to get shot in my heart.
06:10Let's go this way.
06:12Oh, my God.
06:12Oh, my God.
06:13Oh, my God.
06:13Okay.
06:14Rather than traped round with the crowds on the tourist trail,
06:18I'm taking Dan to a quieter Rome district.
06:21Oh, got a treacle in the way.
06:23Treacle in the way.
06:24Go, go, go, go, go.
06:25Yeah, love that.
06:27We're going to look at one of its lesser-known gems.
06:32The Church of Santa Maria.
06:35I know you're excited.
06:38Huh?
06:38Wow.
06:39Here we are.
06:40This is our first sort of visit into this spiritual journey.
06:45Look at this gate.
06:45I love the gates.
06:46Look at this gate.
06:47Very Hogwarts.
06:48Oh, easy.
06:49Why do I fall over everywhere I go?
06:51I don't know.
06:52You know, the house of God.
06:54Oh, the breeze.
06:54Look at this gaff here, look, Dan.
06:56Look at this gaff.
06:58What's the matter with you?
06:59You had a booze?
07:01Wow.
07:06That is incredible.
07:07The Church of Santa Maria, I think, means the Church of the Virgin Mary.
07:11Wow.
07:11Although we know she weren't a virgin,
07:12because obviously she took some magic beans at some point.
07:16The Catholics know a thing or two about displaying their devotion to God.
07:21I don't know much about churches, but the amount of dough that would have been spent on this gaff.
07:25Look at all that up there.
07:26Like, how did they do that?
07:28That's magic.
07:30It's like you just get a hit of God, you know?
07:33Look at the detail.
07:34I know.
07:35You know what I mean?
07:36It just takes your breath away, doesn't it?
07:37I mean, look at how much a house of God means to people.
07:42I do appreciate how beautiful churches are.
07:44They are.
07:45Do you know what you could have in here?
07:46What?
07:48Proper rave.
07:49Yeah.
07:50DJ booth up there.
07:51Hundreds of people in here just having it large.
07:54In celebration of God, you know?
07:56Mm-hmm.
07:57I think God would approve.
07:58Although they could have spent a few more quid on the benches.
08:01Yeah.
08:02You know, very basic considering.
08:07Catholic.
08:07That's what your mother is.
08:08She's a Catholic.
08:09Like, bruv is.
08:10Yeah, bruv's a Catholic.
08:11It's weird, like, bruv's not.
08:13But I can't call him grandad.
08:14You call him bruv?
08:15Oh, because, obviously, when I was young, I wanted a brother.
08:20He was fuming when I got your mother pregnant.
08:23You weren't allowed to sleep in the same bed.
08:25No, I'm still not allowed to sleep in the same bed.
08:27If I went round there now...
08:28Yeah, because you're married.
08:28You are.
08:29No, he won't have it.
08:30Do you not think?
08:31No, he'll have to sleep on the settee, no.
08:33There's no way.
08:34I'm telling you now.
08:34You're married.
08:35I know, darling.
08:36Three kids down.
08:37I think you're still in a bit of denial.
08:38But, er...
08:39I should have probably done that with you.
08:41I did let...
08:42Let you have boys in the bedroom.
08:44I thought I had loads of fucking hell
08:45of a boy awake, Dad.
08:46You don't swear in here.
08:47Sorry.
08:48You don't really pray, do you?
08:50No, I don't really pray.
08:51I should pray.
08:52You pray.
08:53Sometimes I pray to let West Ham win.
08:56And, er...
08:57He lets me down every time.
09:00Do you want to say a prayer or what?
09:01Do we do it out loud?
09:02No.
09:03Don't you just do that?
09:04We can do that, if you might.
09:06It's a bit clichéd, but...
09:08I'd just drop me nut like this, would it?
09:21A long prayer.
09:22Mmm.
09:23I enjoyed that.
09:24I prayed for the next pint I have.
09:29The head on it stays on it till the very last drop.
09:32Yeah, but not too much head, either.
09:38Right, let's go.
09:40I like a bit of Jesus.
09:42Do you reckon he had loads of women?
09:43Would you have let me be in with Jesus back in the day?
09:45Yes, yes, I wouldn't.
09:47You want a tongue, Jesus?
09:48No, no, no, no, no, no.
09:49I just think the whole tall, dark and handsome comes from him.
09:54Unattainable, isn't he, Jesus?
09:55Yeah.
09:55That's the other thing.
09:56That's what makes him really attractive, of course.
09:57And he was a very kind man.
09:59He sacrificed himself for God.
10:00He was Jesus.
10:00He was the kindest fucking man ever.
10:02Exactly.
10:02And he healed everyone.
10:03And he could turn water into wine.
10:06Shit.
10:06Yeah.
10:06Only you would know that.
10:08Yeah.
10:09That's seductive, isn't it?
10:09But he was a virgin.
10:10If you'd have been around then, he'd have been tainted.
10:13Mmm.
10:16Not all religion's about the man upstairs.
10:19For some Italians, ice cream is their obsession.
10:23The place gelato worshipers head to in Rome is Palazzo del Fredo.
10:29Andrea.
10:30Yeah.
10:30Nice to meet you.
10:31Danny.
10:32This is my daughter, Danny.
10:35Andrea's family are the absolute business.
10:38They've been making and selling gelato here for over a hundred years.
10:42This is the temple of gelato.
10:44The temple of gelato.
10:45Yeah, yeah.
10:46But gelato and ice cream is quite similar, ain't it?
10:48Yeah, the ice cream is something like industrial.
10:51That is more real inside.
10:52Yeah.
10:52The gelato is homemade.
10:53We make it fresh every day.
10:55The oldest one in Italy and probably the oldest in the world.
10:58Do you have the best?
10:59I think it's the best.
11:00You want to try it?
11:01Yes, mate.
11:02Yes.
11:02Go, go, go, go, go.
11:04Do you sell Cornettos in here?
11:05Sorry?
11:06There's something about Italians on Cornettos.
11:08Do you sell Cornettos?
11:10Cornetto.
11:11Cornetto.
11:12Never heard of it.
11:14Told you.
11:16Madness.
11:22Dad's brought us to the Palazzo del Fredo, the most famous gelato shop in Rome.
11:27I can feel me tits growing by the second.
11:29We're not here just to taste the stuff.
11:31Andrea told Dad he could create any flavour he fancied.
11:36Surprise, surprise.
11:37Dad chose booze.
11:39You're obsessed with pina coladas.
11:40We're going to make some ice cream.
11:41Yeah.
11:42We're going to make a pina colada together.
11:44Stop.
11:44The secret to great gelato is simple, fresh ingredients.
11:49Be careful of your thumb, please.
11:50For pina colada, that's pineapple.
11:52You should work with me.
11:53Can I get a job?
11:54She does need one.
11:55Coconut.
11:56Smells like pina colada.
11:57Yeah.
11:58An 80 proof rum.
11:59I love pina colada, but I don't like rum, which is weird, isn't it?
12:03Three quarters of a bottle of rum.
12:04Look at that.
12:04Wow.
12:05Ready to mix it?
12:06What do you mix it with?
12:07With a big mixer there.
12:08It's like a streamer.
12:10You ready?
12:10Yeah, I'm ready.
12:11My blender's about that big.
12:13I don't...
12:13Can you get them on Amazon?
12:15I love Amazon, don't you?
12:16I buy everything on Amazon.
12:17Amazon.
12:18Oh, yeah, but I don't like an Amazon present.
12:20No, not present, but...
12:21Do you know what I mean?
12:21It's the next day delivery present.
12:23I want the full.
12:25That is so fresh.
12:28That I love it.
12:29But I'm surprised.
12:30For you, oh, yeah.
12:32We should try to do a beer sorbet.
12:34Beer sorbet.
12:36A bit beer?
12:37It's not a problem.
12:39It is beer.
12:40Get in there.
12:41Get told of that.
12:43I didn't think it was possible.
12:45I used up just the raspberry ripple, man.
12:47I never thought I'd be so excited over ice cream,
12:49but I really am.
12:51Oh, my God.
12:52Look at that.
12:54Well, let's go to work, eh?
12:55Let's go.
12:56Is there such thing as pina colob ice cream?
12:58Of course there it is.
12:59Look, there it is.
13:00No, I'm saying, but they don't sell it in the shops, do they?
13:02No, because you get off your nut on it.
13:15What a beautiful fucking brilliant human beer.
13:17Mmm.
13:19Fucking incredible that is.
13:20No, I didn't think it would be that beer-y.
13:22What?
13:22You made it.
13:23You made it.
13:24You made it.
13:24This is the best, isn't it?
13:26That one is good.
13:27But this one is...
13:28It's fucking...
13:28It's beer.
13:29I think you should sell it.
13:30Would you be able to sell that to children?
13:32You wouldn't, would you?
13:33No.
13:33Nah.
13:35We're pissed on ice cream.
13:37We went in a church.
13:38I think that's Rome pretty much done.
13:41It's time to really delve a little bit bit into some spiritual madness.
13:47Yeah, you ready?
13:48Because you don't seem...
13:49You don't seem excited about it.
13:50I don't know what's happened.
13:51No, I am excited.
13:52Well, tell your face then.
13:54You'd better start loveling yourself up because...
13:57Yeah, I don't think God would let me in.
13:57Well, the big man, he don't wait for long.
13:59Because I don't want to be devil's slave.
14:01That's a bad place to go.
14:03No, you'd only be noshing off the devil for eternity.
14:05Fuck that.
14:07Our next stop's a three-hour drive north to a town
14:11I doubt anyone's ever heard of.
14:12And even fewer could spell.
14:15Plenty of time for Dan and I to discuss life's big questions.
14:20Is there a God?
14:22Absolutely.
14:23I don't think there's definitely something up there.
14:25Apparently we're in purgatory right now.
14:28It's in the middle between heaven and hell.
14:29Well done.
14:30I think you learnt that from me, didn't you?
14:31No, actually, I learnt that in RE.
14:32Ah, OK.
14:34Well, what do we make of it?
14:35What does it mean?
14:36Why do people, you know, need it to go through life, you know?
14:39You are born into your religion, I think, aren't you?
14:41Or you could marry into religion.
14:42Yes, there's also a possibility as well.
14:44But it gives people comfort.
14:46Yeah, I think it is.
14:47And whether you agree with religion or not, you know,
14:49they are trying to be good people.
14:52The reason we're headed to this medieval town is to show Dan religious icons can come in different shapes and
14:58forms.
15:01Yeah.
15:02We are in a country where the most sacred of all animals, alright?
15:06Yeah.
15:06Is a fucking donkey.
15:08Donkeys just want me with Shrek.
15:10Yeah, yes.
15:10I love that donkey.
15:11So we're going to the donkey paleo.
15:14What's that one?
15:15They're going to ride them and fucking race.
15:17It's called a paleo.
15:18It goes back to, you know, the 13th century, how important donkeys were.
15:23They used them for travel, they used them as sort of mules.
15:25Like a donkey?
15:26To carry stuff around.
15:27Oh yeah, like little donkey, little donkey, little donkey.
15:35Dad says in many towns, paleo is as important as a religious festival.
15:40And they've been going on for donkeys years.
15:43We've got to be in the right gaff because...
15:44There's a donkey.
15:45Look at him, look, look, look.
15:46Oh my God.
15:48It's quite donkey-ish, yeah.
15:51Once a year, the town's high streets turned into a racetrack.
15:54And the locals get all Monty Python.
15:57I've been told a man in the know on all things paleo is a cat called Ricardo.
16:02Is there a Ricardo on the firm?
16:04I'm Ricardo.
16:05Oh!
16:07What is going on?
16:09I've never seen a paleo.
16:11No.
16:12Show you what it means.
16:14Follow me.
16:15Fucking hell.
16:16He's 100 miles an hour, this gives you, isn't he?
16:18Oh, here we go.
16:18Oh yeah, oh yeah.
16:20For paleo, the town's divided into five rival neighbourhoods.
16:24Called Contradas.
16:25Each gets kitted out in team colours.
16:28Then picks a young fella to be jockey for the race.
16:31These poor bastards don't get to choose the nag they ride.
16:35Tradition says that's decided by old blokes pulling balls out of a hat.
16:39So this town, I believe, is where they're doing the lottery, yeah?
16:43To choose what donkey they're going to get.
16:45Ricardo is a head honcho of Torre Contrada, the red team from the oldest part of town.
16:52Ricardo, is there any donkey that you want?
16:55Maybe the best one is the grey, the number two.
16:59Er, what's that on his nose?
17:00Has he got shit on his nose?
17:02Is it lucky donkey shit?
17:04Er, no.
17:05No.
17:05We don't want the donkey with shit on his nose.
17:09To be fair, Dan, I've done that.
17:11Yeah, we all have.
17:19The first Contrada, Ventosa, extracts the donkey.
17:26It was one of the most exciting moments.
17:31The drum increased the tension.
17:35A drum roll, a literal drum roll.
17:37Yeah, yeah, yeah.
17:38The tension.
17:39Yeah, yeah.
17:48Something's wrong.
17:50He's fucked it up because of that.
17:51Hundreds of years of sedition.
17:53The reason you can't get the number out of the bank.
17:55Oh, here we go.
17:57All right.
17:59The number.
18:02Quattro.
18:03Hooray!
18:04Hooray!
18:08Hooray!
18:13Hooray!
18:20Here we go.
18:21What's number two in Italian?
18:23Due.
18:23Due.
18:24So we want due.
18:25Number two.
18:26Two, two, two, two!
18:28Two!
18:31Two!
18:32Two!
18:36Two!
18:36Two!
18:38Yeah!
18:40Yeah!
18:42I think me and Dad and our team Torre.
18:44Yeah!
18:46Yeah!
18:46Ate it, ate it!
18:47That donkey, he won the last Palio.
18:51Yeah.
18:51Yeah.
18:52It's the same one.
18:53Ah, yes. Roll on the baliol.
18:57It's been a lovely morning. Everyone's having a great time.
19:01But to be honest, I've got no idea what's going on.
19:07Oh, my God.
19:09Go on, girl, up your toes. Get up there.
19:12I love the idea that we're now part of a firm.
19:14Reminds me of back home.
19:16The contrada that we're in, it's our manor.
19:18It's where you're born.
19:19So, obviously, Ricardo was born around this little manor.
19:22If you're born on that side of the town...
19:24Then you've got to support the other donk.
19:25I support West Ham.
19:26If you're born up in North London,
19:28then you support Tottenham or Arsenal, right?
19:30Yeah.
19:31It's tribalism.
19:32And it's all relied on a fucking donkey.
19:35But the way I'm happy, like, Ricardo, he was so happy.
19:39Well, if it kicks off with the other little contrada,
19:41he's the first one in that one, people.
19:44Been going on since the 13th century.
19:46Give me a date in the 13th century.
19:49Or 1300s.
19:50No, see, this is where you've made the mistake, haven't you?
19:52Oh, that's his name.
19:53Because you always have 100 years in front,
19:54so the 13th century will be...
19:56What, 1200s?
19:57Yeah.
19:58Shit.
19:58You never knew that.
19:59What was going on in that time?
20:00I think that was the days of teeth out with pliers...
20:03Yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:04Chuck slugs all over you.
20:05Give you a bit of whiskey, wank a tooth out.
20:07Wank?
20:07Wank a tooth out.
20:08Just trying to think how you'd wank a tooth out, yeah.
20:11Oh, wank a tooth out.
20:12Let's move on, eh?
20:13Oh.
20:14Hello.
20:14Oh, here he is, here he is, here he is.
20:16I have something for you.
20:17Oh, what have you got for me?
20:18A gift.
20:18Oh, I love that.
20:19The shirt, everybody who wants to support our Contrada should have.
20:24So tonight we wear this?
20:25Yes.
20:25I'll put some little shorts on with it.
20:27Yeah, put some little shorts.
20:27I've got the kind of vibe I'm going for.
20:29Amazing.
20:30Riccardo, why do you use donkeys and not horses?
20:33Because each family in the past, they have a piece of land, so they needed a donkey.
20:42Everyone had a donkey?
20:43Yes, a donkey was a part of the family, especially during the harvest.
20:47Also, Mary, she rode a donkey.
20:50Mary and Joseph.
20:51Mary and Joseph.
20:52She got about on a donkey, so that's why we're trying to understand why it's so religious.
20:56Yes, yes, yes, yes.
20:57We're starting to get it now.
20:59I don't know.
21:00I was married two years in a row.
21:02She was, actually.
21:02I was so happy.
21:03It was a high point.
21:04It was.
21:04That was the best time of my life, actually.
21:06You was a good Mary.
21:07Oh, fucking Mary.
21:08I wasn't keen on Joseph.
21:09Anyway, this evening, this evening, the competition.
21:13Yes, I'll see you there.
21:14Bye.
21:15Why don't you go, Riccardo?
21:16See you there.
21:16See you there.
21:19Not Joseph.
21:20No, he was shit.
21:26It's race time in donkey paleo land, and the Contrada Ultras are out in force.
21:33The entire town's old bill are here to stop it kicking off, and the hardcore 13th century
21:39crews are giving it large as well.
21:43Pull it in.
21:45Excuse me.
21:46Excuse me.
21:47Excuse me.
21:49Sorry.
21:50It's like when you go to football and you're wearing a T-shirt.
21:53I don't ever wear a football T-shirt.
21:54No, you don't.
21:54If you're a proper hooligan, you never wear colours, because you don't want to get nicked
21:57by the old bill.
21:58And I'm not saying they're hooligans, but they're all different firms.
22:01You know, you want to slip into the crowd.
22:03Ah, you're...
22:04We're enemies.
22:05See, Gordon, Gordon.
22:06Yeah.
22:08Maybe we're missing something in the UK, Dad.
22:10Maybe we should bring this to the UK.
22:12No, I don't think we should, because I don't think we'll ever work again.
22:15Listen, we just ramo out there.
22:16We need to...
22:17It's so busy out there.
22:18We need to get our spot.
22:19For you, you can keep that.
22:20For you.
22:21For you.
22:22But don't give her any, because she's the enemy.
22:25Let's go.
22:26Tony!
22:28It's not an evening.
22:29I thought I'd ever be happy, to be honest.
22:32But it's just crazy, because I feel like they take this so seriously.
22:35I'm not an animal person, but...
22:38Aw.
22:40One night a year, they all dress up, they all get pissed up, and they back their donkeys.
22:49These donkeys are in for a lot of love tonight.
22:52Maybe a little too much, looking at their riders.
22:55Why was you watching them rub their nuts?
22:57Well, I was obsessed with them, you know, and their little trousers.
22:59They were only little, weren't they, the boys?
23:01They were little.
23:02No.
23:04They was all helmet.
23:06You're disgusting.
23:07No, I think they were rubbing something on it.
23:09They were definitely bad boys, weren't they?
23:10Because they were going bareback, there was no saddle.
23:13So why would that affect...
23:15Because you'd be bollocks, isn't it?
23:17You'd be bollock on donkey.
23:19Yeah, skin on skin, that is, isn't it?
23:21And, of course, bareback in the sexual term means...
23:24Yeah, no, condom.
23:25Oh, shit, yeah, it does mean that.
23:26I knew that's what you were saying.
23:27That's what I meant, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:29We now know you've gone bareback, because you've got a child.
23:35Our mate Ricardo has saved us a VIP spot down by the start.
23:40There's our baby, come on!
23:43Is our jockey nervous?
23:44This is our man here, Ricardo, yeah?
23:47Yes, the jockey, all the jockey here are.
23:49He's nervous, man, don't he?
23:50I think he looks quite confident.
23:52He looks like a bit of a bad boy.
23:58Fuckin' hell, they're crazy donkeys, innit?
24:01It's fuckin' madness.
24:03Easy.
24:04Who is it?
24:05The blouses, man!
24:07Go, go, go, go!
24:11Paleo's a run as a knockout over a quarter of a mile.
24:14Last contrada in each round is thrown out.
24:17And our donkey's through.
24:19Thank the fuckin' Lord.
24:21We are the second, in the second race.
24:24Sweet.
24:24I went to Ascot once, but I feel like this is completely different.
24:30One small slip, and your paleo dreams are crushed for another year.
24:35Come off, come off.
24:36Fuckin' hell!
24:37Oh, my God!
24:39Oh, my God!
24:39In the blink of a pissed Italian's eye, Team Torre is through to the round of three.
24:45Second place in this, we're in the final.
24:50But it's not to be.
24:52We are out!
24:54Out!
24:54Eliminate!
24:55Oh, no!
24:56Yes!
24:57Oh, he was so close, Ricardo.
25:00Shit!
25:01It happens!
25:02In the final is the black and whites who take the title.
25:08Cue Donkey Paleoland going fuckin' mental.
25:12Oh, lucky.
25:13Maybe next year, my man.
25:14We are okay.
25:16Before paleo, we are fighting each other.
25:20But after, we are all friends.
25:22Let's go!
25:23Next year!
25:24Woo!
25:24I'll be there!
25:25I've got invited to a girl group!
25:27I mean, everyone all comes together, definitely, don't they?
25:30This is like a crazy made-up town.
25:34I've never felt so distant from home until now.
25:37Yeah, I know you, mate.
25:38Did you get here?
25:38Yeah, of course I fucking do.
25:39In a medieval town.
25:41It's right about monkey python.
25:52I think we're both in the mood for something calmer.
25:55Which is handy, because where we're headed now
25:57is about as calm and reflective as it gets.
26:00We're gonna go and spend a bit of time at a monastery, darling.
26:03I've never met a mum.
26:05Yeah, I've seen one of ghosts.
26:06Yeah, you told me that you've seen a ghost.
26:08I saw a mum, didn't I?
26:09It was definitely a fucking ghost,
26:10because it was three o'clock in the morning in Stratford.
26:12Are you sure you were sober at this point?
26:14I had had a doobie, but...
26:16Did anyone else see it?
26:17Yeah, me and me pal.
26:18That's weird.
26:20And then we turned around and he was gone.
26:23We later found out that there was an old monastery round here.
26:25Now we're gonna meet the real thing
26:27and immerse ourselves fully in the monastic life.
26:31So, you know, let's embrace it.
26:32You know, whatever we're gonna do.
26:34Some prayers.
26:35Eat a bit of turnip.
26:36I bet everything's boiled.
26:37He'll be very kind.
26:38I know that, though.
26:39It might be umpy.
26:40Who knows?
26:40We might go and meet an umpy monk.
26:42Well, I've met some umpy nuns.
26:44Yeah, they wind me up, nuns.
26:45I never know where I stand with them.
26:47Yeah, you know.
26:47I always thought I've done something wrong.
26:49You are.
26:50You know?
26:50I usually have.
26:53Closest village to the monastery is Guadagnolo.
26:561,200 metres up a limestone rock.
27:00Safe to say, this is properly away from it all.
27:03It's our last chance for a little treat
27:05before God only knows what's coming next.
27:09Oh!
27:10Oh, that's what you do when you become a granddad.
27:13You make noises when you go, oh!
27:16That, Dad, is my favourite sweet in the world,
27:18that strawberry pencil.
27:19I've never seen anything so big.
27:21Yes.
27:21Go on, babe, double up.
27:22Oh, wow.
27:23Yeah, love it.
27:24Wow.
27:25I'm so excited.
27:28I feel like everywhere we've gone
27:29has been a little bit in the middle of nowhere.
27:32Like, it's just mad.
27:33You, like, sort of drive up the mountain.
27:35Is it a mountain?
27:36I don't know what it is.
27:37And then all of a sudden you're, like, here with this village
27:39with, like, all loads of children.
27:41And it's all just very random.
27:43They don't have PlayStations here, babe.
27:45Look, they're back to the basics.
27:48Buongiorno.
27:49What's that now?
27:50Look at that whole thing, look.
27:53What are you?
27:56Try a little bit of it, you know, even though I'm fasting.
27:58Oh.
27:59I'll go this end, yeah.
28:03Look, you're fasting ends at this time.
28:05No, I don't.
28:05You actually have got 15 minutes.
28:07I like the ones with the white gear in it.
28:09Big old shoelace.
28:10That was lovely.
28:11Old red shoelaces.
28:13We're going to hang out with the Father, trying to understand what is it about faith.
28:17Yeah.
28:17You know, because I suppose what you're doing is you're handing your life over to God.
28:21But what makes you go down the monk room, innit?
28:24Well, I've got a...
28:26I do a prayer every morning, don't I, in the shower.
28:28And it sets me up for the day.
28:30Because I don't think I've...
28:32I have any right to have been as successful as I am, coming from where I come from.
28:38Yeah.
28:38I've heard it's definitely a higher power, I believe, that's dragged me through life.
28:42Not God, necessarily, because you're a higher power.
28:46But just something up there and supporting you and guiding you, I suppose.
28:49I just think you're either a spiritual person or you're not.
28:52And I'm just not really gone down the, like, spiritual route.
28:56Yeah, my dad's very spiritual.
28:58And I think people probably don't take him seriously when it comes to that.
29:02I mean, my dad likes to do, you know, the meditation, all that.
29:05And I really want to get in that zone.
29:07But my brain starts thinking,
29:09oh, shit, I didn't put the dishwasher on.
29:11You want a street here, then?
29:12It's not far from here, it's just around the corner.
29:14I'm going to behave, though, dad, yeah?
29:16Like, calm the language down just a little bit in front of the monk.
29:20I never intend to swear, I'm very...
29:22No, no, I know, I know.
29:23But I suppose I was...
29:24It's a way of expressing yourself, innit?
29:26It was a madman for me, because I was brought up by women.
29:29Very strong women that swore.
29:32You know, I started to, you know, be invited to posh dinner parties
29:35and stuff like that when I was, you know, a young actor doing plays
29:38and then I was swearing and I could just sense the room just...
29:42..fuck.
29:44It was a revelation to me.
29:45I was a working-class kid.
29:46I was surrounded by swearing and crime and, you know, poverty
29:50and just swearing's not a big thing.
29:52I don't think I want to swear in church, anyway.
29:53No, you shouldn't do a thing. Not around God.
29:55Unless he winds me up.
29:58A few miles out of town, hanging off a cliff, is our monastery.
30:03Very little chance of escape if our monk turns out to be a crank.
30:08Here we go, my little sweets.
30:11Here. We. Go.
30:13I mean, what a gaff.
30:15Oh, it's hot.
30:17Oh, my God, there he is. Look at him.
30:18Woo!
30:19I don't know how he's bowling about in that robe.
30:22Hello.
30:22Hi.
30:23The Padre.
30:24Do we bow?
30:25No, it's not necessary.
30:26Oh.
30:27Let's have a cuddle.
30:28Welcome.
30:29We do love a cuddle in these parts.
30:31This is my daughter.
30:33Lovely to meet you.
30:34My name is Adam.
30:35I'm living here olden years in this...
30:38Wow.
30:38..is a special place of prayer on the monk life.
30:42Very handsome for a monk.
30:44For the next 24 hours, we're taking our orders from Padre Adam,
30:48getting a little taste of a life dedicated to God.
30:52There's something about walking in a place of worship and prayer.
30:56It smells old.
31:00The acoustics are amazing.
31:02Do you know what it makes me want to do?
31:04Oh.
31:06Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
31:09That was lovely.
31:09Yeah.
31:09Yes, Justice is a place of the central point of the diffusion of the voice.
31:15incredible amazing yeah do you have telly like do you watch telly here yes yes oh well because
31:21there's football on like i thought maybe me and you could have a couple of lagers and uh we can
31:25record to watch the mighty west receptions imagine watching football with you i'd love that
31:31television isn't the only flashy gadget the padre has i killed the light yeah
31:38hahaha you are losing your mind oh our first chore in the day in the life of a monk is
31:48preparing
31:48dinner i'm hoping it's like uh one of them cooking shows where he's prepared one earlier okay lovely
31:53whoa what's this kind of office suffers dungeon oh how is your hunger yeah well i'm always hungry
32:00oh two chickpeas two is super sufficient okay lovely well we got three months oh my god i'll be
32:06shitting for england again plenty of booze in here father yes i prepared the wine for you
32:12what a nutty combination this is pasta chickpeas right
32:17ah put here please amazing okay it's the holy apron
32:26your job will be yep to move out the peel from the chicken
32:30one oh i've got to take the skin off of each one oh yeah i've lost one
32:37bollocks i don't think my dad means to do it it's not like he wants to swear in each sentence
32:41it's just
32:41a part of his vocabulary i think he'll tone it down he's in front of a monk a very respectful
32:46man
32:46i think he will you know change a little bit oh i'll put the skin in you put the skin
32:52on there and then
32:52yes just walk in what are we having for dinner well there's got to be monk stew in it surely
32:58stew i'm living uh 35 years in italy wow from the beginning i start to leave the italian customs of
33:07life what would a monk have for breakfast it's uh italian breakfast which is netto
33:13uh cornetto croissant croissant oh croissant i thought you made an extra i thought you woke up
33:22as a monk and had a cornetto there's no better place to go to the monastery yeah to live with
33:27a
33:27monk you know the slang harry monk is i'm not going to say it why not we've had it you
33:35might as well
33:36if someone said you've got all harry in your ear that's disgusting but that's the but that's the
33:43oh my goodness gracious so uh father what why did you want to be a monk vocation because we speak
33:53about the vocation you are called to be something i started with the preparation for the priesthood
34:0120 years old it's important to not think what you renounce what you live but for what you are going
34:10i have to respect the life that he's chosen a pretty simple life he's broken down
34:17now i'm i'm uh i'm quite a simple person i don't need much really i do need uh i need
34:24a telly
34:25and i would like a fridge of course and some dairy milk and uh kettle uh maybe a dog and
34:31i'll whack a
34:32little dog in the mix me little mate little dog
34:36before we get to eat padre's got one little job for us to do give the hilltop chapel a good
34:42spring
34:42clean a lot of chores dad do you reckon he's got a window cleaner no i think we're up here
34:49ah oh the
34:50stairs good for the old fires this one baby i don't think it matters how fit you are walking up
34:55the
34:55stairs always hurts wow that is beautiful these views are what they always freak me out because
35:04it's not tangible i can't touch it i mean you know it just doesn't look fucking real i shouldn't have
35:11swore i swore again our monastery i've got to stop doing that where's he uh didn't be around here is
35:17it what's around here no it's fuck all there is it up here no it's just a fucking graveyard
35:29me and dan are spending the day living and working like a monk in a monastery way out in the
35:34sticks
35:35all right this is in here we've been told to clean the hilltop chapel we've just got to find a
35:41way in
35:42first maybe it ain't this door it is this door oh my god look at the cobwebs i say get
35:50rid of the
35:50cobwebs right that i don't want to do i just don't like spiders they can't hurt you're in a place
35:57of god that's one way to clean i guess all the gear no idea i'm gonna let you do that
36:03well good luck
36:04in here darling because there's a lot of dust it's just all dust really i can't clean that can i
36:10give it a squirt on the bottom is it rude to spray a statue and see
36:16imagine if i've knocked it over or something oh he's wobbling yeah be gentle it's about a thousand
36:21years old the father's uh took a bit of a libby with us really because clearly he doesn't come up
36:27here
36:29oh my god look at all that we'll go and dump that outside where do you think dump it you're
36:36on the
36:36mountain dump it over the mountain don't hurt no one it's gonna blow in my face
36:43ah that's the whiff
36:49that's it well i'm gonna ring this bell because i want that all of the area to know
36:54that the chapel has been cleaned been dying to ring it
37:03oh no we've rung a bell and people are turning up sorry sorry
37:09buongiorno welcome to our house they've gone now i think they're upsetting i hope the padre doesn't
37:15get the amp you know nothing like a bit of hard graft for mountaineer to work up an appetite
37:23is that wine got a bit in it it is wine naughty naughty monk yeah you can i still chop
37:33a vein up yeah
37:36amazing
37:40oh thank you you're very kind we are arrived at evening time
37:45wow look at that i've got to read that grape that grape was looking at me oh yeah look you
37:50see
37:50you've had a grape starter okay nice that is a good grape oh no i've been to a bit of
37:56the
37:57he's out seedless oh look at them they look so plump yeah they do you know but you're not chewing
38:05on seeds
38:06no but it only takes the seeds out of the grape they just grow on them that way
38:10oh wow look at that thank you very much i i did pour some wine father was that are you
38:24having some
38:25no i i don't thank you no no no no i don't use it's the custom to eat the meat
38:31in silence i give you
38:33the same when we we can open them out for speech cool so no speaking now i want to pray
38:40benedict
38:41domine nos et actua dona quede tua largitate sumu sumpturi per christum dominum nostrum amen amen
39:07so
39:18so
39:19so
39:19so
39:45CHEERS
39:45PHONE RINGS
39:47Deo gracias.
39:49Well, er...
39:50I think that's the longest I've been silent, but it seems I've come out of the room.
39:53Sometimes during the feast days the silence can be shorter.
40:00I like eating in silence.
40:01No, see, I like to chat when I'm eating.
40:04Oh, no, I like to sit in front of the telly. I'm not going to lie to you.
40:06No, you don't really want to talk.
40:08No, I like, you know, I wish I could take that bell home.
40:11And then when my wife, she starts going,
40:14I'll go ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding.
40:16Maybe I have one in the bookshop.
40:19Well, listen, I've got plenty of dough, so I'll pay for it.
40:21I'll pay big money for that bell.
40:24Well, anyway, cheers. Thank you very much, Father.
40:27Cheers. Thank you.
40:27Father Adam, Padre, you're a real, real gentleman. Thank you.
40:31It's my pleasure.
40:34Maybe there's something in it, you know?
40:36It's too late for me now.
40:37Too many responsibilities.
40:38I've got kids, I've got grandkids and mortgage.
40:43I couldn't just give it all up and run away and live in a monastery.
40:45Could I? I could, actually, I could.
40:47You know?
40:49What's people going to say?
40:50People can't dig you out for being a monk.
40:51O due soli mettere in fuga dieci mila...
40:55Now for a monk's after-dinner entertainment.
41:00Evening mass.
41:12You know what?
41:13He's got quite good vocal cords, actually.
41:16But, yeah, I think, you know, going to church and stuff
41:19is definitely not something he's done as much,
41:22but I think he was enjoying it.
41:26Alleluia!
41:29Alleluia!
41:34Alleluia!
41:39I don't think I could ever relate to Padre at all,
41:42but I think he's given up his whole life for God.
41:45It's incredible.
41:46Like, it's just a completely different way of living,
41:47but he's happy and that's his life choice.
41:50And he's probably, if I brought him to Essex,
41:51he'd hate my life choices.
41:53It is.
41:57Well, I think we're technically closer to God
41:59because of how high up we are.
42:01Yeah.
42:01But then we feel like we're more...
42:03I don't think God would let us in his clan.
42:05Well, of course he is.
42:06He loves everyone.
42:07There's a point to God.
42:08We are.
42:08Doesn't matter what you've done, who you are.
42:10You know what...
42:11Yeah, he forgives you.
42:12Exactly.
42:13You know, what race of people you are,
42:15how tall you are, how small you are.
42:16I mean, I'm definitely on the small break.
42:18You know, if you've got really ugly feet...
42:21I don't think the fuck are you, darling.
42:22You know, if you've got a big oot-o,
42:23if you're, you know...
42:29You know, a day in the life of a monk.
42:30Is it for you?
42:32Not for me.
42:33No.
42:33Is it for you?
42:34Who knows, darling?
42:35I mean...
42:36You like your own company.
42:37You like silence.
42:39I don't think this would be much of an issue for you.
42:41The robe would.
42:42In this weather.
42:43I couldn't wear that black robe.
42:44Do you reckon they wear the robe all the time?
42:45Yeah, that robe absorbs the shirt.
42:47That's their uniform all the time?
42:48Yeah, of course it is.
42:50I always thought God is a man,
42:51but then Ariana Grande brought out a song
42:53God is a Woman,
42:54so I'll always stick to Ariana, to be honest.
42:56She's the girl for me.
43:00To round up the spiritual leg of our trip,
43:02it's back to Rome,
43:03and a well-earned glass of Aperol.
43:07What's that, Gav?
43:08Probably one of the most important buildings in this country.
43:11The Vatican.
43:11The Vatican, yes.
43:13Who lives there?
43:14The Pope.
43:16See, I know what I'm talking about.
43:17Although he's probably not in there.
43:18That little Pope all day.
43:19What does he do?
43:20That little Pope.
43:21Nothing.
43:21He just prays.
43:23This one's been a tough one, hasn't it?
43:25Yeah, I think this one's been a weird one.
43:26Yeah.
43:26I suppose the key is,
43:28do you feel religious?
43:31I think you're either religious or you're not.
43:32So, no.
43:33And I think I believe,
43:34and I love learning about religion, I guess,
43:37but I just think, for me,
43:38I'm just not a religious person.
43:40What do we think of,
43:41do we think they're cranks?
43:42No.
43:44I think everyone's on their own path,
43:45everyone's on their own journey,
43:46everyone believes in what they want to believe.
43:48So you do think they're cranks?
43:49No.
43:49I think I've took some comfort from this trip,
43:53and I think I needed to learn a little bit more about religion
43:56and that side of things,
43:56because I'm not religious.
43:59I felt very spiritual on this trip.
44:01Spiritualism and being spiritual is about being kind and gentle.
44:05When we speak, it should pass through three gates.
44:08Yeah.
44:09Is it kind?
44:10Is it necessary?
44:12Yeah.
44:12And is it truthful?
44:13And it's so fucking hard.
44:14You always say that to me, don't you?
44:15I know.
44:15I can pass through two gates.
44:18Is it truthful?
44:19Is it necessary?
44:20Yes.
44:20And then is it kind?
44:21Probably fucking not.
44:22No.
44:23So, I'm going to try harder.
44:26To the Pope.
44:27To the Pope.
44:28To all of the religious gnats.
44:31Salute.
44:31Salute.
44:36You're not an apple kind of guy, really, are you?
44:38No.
44:38Come on.
44:39Well, you're not a cocktail man in this life.
44:41You're not a porn star martini.
44:43You're a stellar.
44:44Just a porn star.
44:45Oh, God.
45:02Good night.
45:03Good night.
45:15As you swam.