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00:01She is my sweet, sweet little girl.
00:03Thank you for talking to me, Diane.
00:05I know you're a very busy girl because you have been busy.
00:07Very busy little girl.
00:08And everything's in order.
00:11Yeah, everything's good.
00:12So, I've been on a journey, haven't I?
00:14Yeah, talk to me.
00:15Yeah, what is going on with that?
00:17What are they, men? What do they represent?
00:19It's a very, very difficult conversation.
00:23When I signed up for this job, everyone was going,
00:25good luck with that, a lot of fear around it.
00:27Mm.
00:28Is it good to celebrate men?
00:30I mean, I'm your father, it's a tricky situation for you, but...
00:33But you're a very, you're such an emotional man.
00:36Good.
00:37And I've always, like me and Sunny, have always said,
00:40you know, you love a cuddle, you love to chat, you love to talk.
00:43Not all men do that.
00:45Crying at a couple of Miley Cyrus films, we won't go into them.
00:48I've never cried at Miley Cyrus.
00:49Yeah, you cried at the last song.
00:50I did cry.
00:51The last song, we was in a hotel.
00:52No, I'll tell you what it was.
00:53You did.
00:54You looked at me and I'd yawned.
01:00Last time, I looked at some of the serious problems
01:03facing men and boys today.
01:05Why do you think, as staff, we are pulling you up on that
01:08if you talk about Andrew Tate?
01:09The police officer says,
01:10you want to blow yourself a set of balls, son?
01:12And how fighting a war on men isn't really helping anyone.
01:16I might have said a couple of misogynistic things.
01:19So what?
01:20A word.
01:21Just fell apart.
01:25So what now for the male of the species?
01:28How are we going to help men to help themselves?
01:32This is a form of therapy.
01:33Yeah, it is therapy.
01:34I could change everyone's lives from here.
01:36Regain their self-respect.
01:39And the trust of women.
01:41Let's honour all the women in our lives.
01:44Do we need to become more feminine?
01:47Testosterone pissing out of him.
01:49Look.
01:49Or can we find a positive way to be masculine in the modern world?
01:54To be men.
01:55Yeah?
01:56Let's own it.
01:56And create a happy future for men.
02:06I mean, I'll be honest.
02:07When I had my first child at 18, I was useless.
02:12I had to sort of be trained by my missus.
02:15I'm a good dad now, though.
02:17I'm a grandfather now as well.
02:18You know, I've got a two-year-old grandson.
02:19It's fucking hard work.
02:21But it's so fucking rewarding.
02:23A little sense too now.
02:26Yeah.
02:26What do you fear for him?
02:28Do you feel, you know, what does the future hold for men?
02:31Because at the moment, you know, men are in a weird place.
02:33Mm.
02:33I think there is so much pressure for young boys growing up.
02:38You know, it's always that thing, though, when they cry,
02:40don't cry, you don't need to cry.
02:41No, no, no, no.
02:42No, I want you to see how you're feeling.
02:44I really think that's so important from such a young age
02:47when they're being brought up on not suppressing their emotions.
02:51I've always thought that.
02:51Where do you think that comes from, then?
02:52Does that come from the mother or the father?
02:53I think the father.
02:54You think the father?
02:55Yeah.
02:55But, I don't know, was Grandad like that with you?
02:57Was he...?
02:58Oh, yeah, absolutely.
02:59But then you've got to think the way he was parented.
03:01He used to get shut in his room with no dinner
03:03and he was like, you know, he used to have to hide biscuits
03:05and his dad used to beat him a lot.
03:07Oh, my God.
03:08Because, you know, he was brought up in the 50s and 60s.
03:11Yeah, he's so different.
03:12I remember when he told me I weren't allowed to hold his hand any more.
03:14Yeah, no, I know that.
03:15When he was crossing the boat, yeah.
03:17I held my hand out and he blanked my hand.
03:19Wow.
03:20Got a lot of traumatic experience as a kid, but that one fucking killed me.
03:23Yeah, it's horrible.
03:24Because he said, no, no, don't do that any more, boy.
03:26But I accepted that and I thought, oh, okay.
03:28But I've not carried that on with my own children.
03:31No, you haven't.
03:37These days, men are around much more for our kids.
03:40In the last few years, the number of stay-at-home dads went up by a third.
03:44That's a monumental change in parenting.
03:47But can we embrace it as a manly thing to do?
03:53In his 20s, reality TV star Kyle Christie was a proper Jack the Lad on MTV's Geordie Shaw.
04:00Five things you need to know about Kyle.
04:01I'm hench as fuck.
04:03I'm wicked and dead.
04:04I'm good looking.
04:06I'm the best looking lad in the house.
04:07I'll just add that one in there.
04:09And finally, I'm wicked fucking bad.
04:13Hello, mate.
04:14So how's he finding his new life as a stay-at-home dad?
04:18Oh, look, there he is.
04:18There he is.
04:19He's got his biscuits.
04:20Not sure about the cockney in the house.
04:22Yeah, no, no, no.
04:23Hey.
04:23Do you want to have a cuddle?
04:25Oh, wow.
04:25Look at him.
04:26Yeah.
04:27Wow.
04:29Thanks for letting me in your house.
04:30I appreciate this.
04:31No problem, mate.
04:31No problem.
04:32Do you want a coffee or anything?
04:32I'd love a little coffee, yeah.
04:33Yep, yep.
04:34Of course.
04:35How old is he?
04:37He's 17 months.
04:38That's a nutty age.
04:39Yeah.
04:40Everything goes in their mouth.
04:41Fingers in plug sockets.
04:43Yeah.
04:43All that sort of stuff.
04:43Got to keep them alive, basically.
04:44Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:45Here we go.
04:46All men together.
04:47Put it up to your son, Sean.
04:49Thank you very much.
04:50So, what is a man to you, Kyle?
04:53I mean, look, you're a proper Geordie fella.
04:54Well, back in the day, I would say, back in me dad's age, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, it was
05:00all like man goes to work, man works his arse off, comes home.
05:04Men provide, men protect, all this sort of stuff.
05:07So, I went to meet my nana, right?
05:09She's 92-year-old.
05:10I took the pram, I took him, I put him in the pram and I started pushing him towards
05:14me nana.
05:15And she said, what are you doing?
05:16I went, well, I'm pushing the pram.
05:18She went, yeah, but men don't push prams.
05:20I was like, nan, are you fucking real?
05:23Well, my dad, it was written off that he would ever get involved in that sort of stuff.
05:26Yeah.
05:27He built a cot, but that was it.
05:29Didn't change the nappy, never got involved in night feeds, and that was the set standard
05:33of what it was.
05:34Now, he missed out on a lot.
05:35Aye.
05:36The way you bond with them, right, is to do all that sort of stuff.
05:39And I think, you know, a real man does that sort of stuff, you know, and doesn't swerve
05:42it or shirk it in any way, shape or form.
05:44Aye.
05:45You married?
05:46You want some of that?
05:48Yeah.
05:49So, you're sort of a stay-at-home dad at the moment?
05:52So, I am away quite a lot and that's how I earn me dough, but in the time that I'm
05:56home,
05:57I have to take the time I can to get with him.
06:00Yeah.
06:00So, a lot of my pals are the same.
06:02We've got a very good deal, us.
06:04They work away either doing the army or they work away on the oil rigs.
06:09So, they go away for three months and then they're here for three months.
06:12So, they look after the kid for three months.
06:15Well.
06:15It's all changed.
06:16Well.
06:18I think absolutely this is the new age man.
06:22Oh, look, he's out of the game.
06:23Look at him.
06:24He's shattered, isn't he?
06:25Is it the company?
06:26He's not like us.
06:28Are we that boring?
06:29Is that what it is?
06:30Is that what it is?
06:33Kyle seems like a good dad and proud to be one.
06:36Come on then.
06:37Look at this place here.
06:40Wow.
06:41So, I used to hang out in clubs and now I hang out here.
06:45But are he and his mates just like mums?
06:48Or are they bringing something different to the table?
06:52Here they are, the boys.
06:53Look.
06:53Here they are.
06:54Proper men.
06:55Oh, look at them.
06:57How are you, boys?
06:58This is Danny.
06:58Good to meet you.
07:00Adam, Peter, Billy.
07:01Good to meet you, Bill.
07:03Shall we get a pint, boys?
07:04Get a little drink, aye?
07:06Best soft play gaff in the world, isn't it?
07:07You can have a lager in it.
07:08Fucking hell.
07:10Oh, here we go.
07:11Is this allowed?
07:12I mean, is this what men do?
07:13Yeah, yeah, yeah.
07:14All right?
07:15Cheers.
07:15Cheers, boys.
07:16Cheers.
07:17To being modern men.
07:19To being men.
07:20Yeah, men, men.
07:20Let's own it.
07:23I was going to ask you a couple of questions, really, boys, about being a parent.
07:26Oh, yeah, yeah.
07:27I understand times have changed from when, obviously, back in the days, men didn't have anything to do with that.
07:32But now I feel like a lot, like, men obviously get involved a lot more.
07:37My situation's a bit different.
07:38These I'm actually split up with her, Mum.
07:40What?
07:41Both of our brilliant relationships was actually a really sound girl.
07:44Amazing.
07:44I personally think she was too good for him anyway.
07:49Obviously, I work away in the Middle East as well.
07:51You work on your week, yeah?
07:52I did three months away just before Christmas.
07:54That must be hard.
07:55Which is hard work to start with.
07:57But Sophie's well aware of that.
07:59And I can ring her three, four, five times a day while I'm sitting at my desk, just calling her.
08:04Yeah, exactly.
08:04He's very lucky to have that, like, because there is a lot of lads I know who don't have that.
08:08Yeah.
08:08And for him to have that relationship with Sophie and be on that level, it's great.
08:15Yeah, I think, because in most cases, the woman has the power to go, well, I tell you what, you
08:19won't see your child again.
08:20You see a lot of that going on.
08:21And as men, we're powerless.
08:23What are you going to do about it?
08:24Yeah, exactly.
08:24Everyone needs a father.
08:25Listen, you know, my old man left when I was nine.
08:27I was lost.
08:28It's important to have a father figure in your life, isn't it, really?
08:31Yeah, I was the same.
08:32I remember being a little kid.
08:34My dad never really took us anywhere or anything like that.
08:37I learned from his poor parenting, really.
08:39So I make a conscious effort with her, she can have all the time, she wants.
08:43And we do everything together, really.
08:45She's like me, right-hand woman.
08:48I think we're written off a little bit as men about how important we are to kids, you know,
08:51because it's all about the mother and the mother does this and that and the other.
08:54But if you ain't got a father within that family, it's an issue.
08:58You need your mother and you need your father for very different reasons.
09:03I think there's nothing more masculine than a man with his kids.
09:07And I really do.
09:08A man, you know, pushing a pram.
09:11You know, I love that.
09:12But I think we're stuck in this rut at the moment as men.
09:16I think the rise of feminism, which is an important fucking cause, you know?
09:21But it's suppressing men, you know, what their core being is.
09:28Men make great parents.
09:30And it's time to fucking respect that.
09:32Thank you so much for talking to me.
09:34You're proper geezers.
09:35Proper geezers.
09:39Wait, we're going home?
09:40Yeah, come and start.
09:41All right, bring the birds up and drop the kids off.
09:43Yeah, there we go.
09:44Come and start, we're going home.
09:55I've got daughters, so I've had to deal with the whole boyfriend thing coming home.
09:59And you can bet your fucking bollocks that, you know, when my daughter brings home a nice kid.
10:07Loyal, respectful, turns up early for the date, well dressed, comes in, shakes her hand.
10:14Adores her, basically.
10:16They just won't fancy him.
10:17They want the fucking arsehole.
10:20They're attracted to the bad boy, the one that's unattainable.
10:23And it's such a fucking shame.
10:25And then maybe later on in life they settle for the nice guy.
10:29Nice guys come last.
10:31And that's a fucking fact.
10:35Strict gender roles can sometimes seem ridiculous, illogical, unfair.
10:40But are they wired into us as humans?
10:42And should they play a part in the future of men?
10:47I've come to Sunderland to find out.
10:50Give me some love.
10:51Dr Becky Owens is an evolutionary psychologist.
10:54Pleasure to meet you.
10:55You too.
10:56So obviously I needed to meet an academic.
11:00Yes.
11:01Because it makes me look more intelligent.
11:03And that's very important.
11:05Becky specialises in male competitiveness
11:08and set up what she thinks is the world's first
11:11undergrad male psychology course.
11:14I looked at sex differences in competitive behaviour
11:17from an evolutionary perspective.
11:19And a lot of that comes with, you know, looking at testosterone
11:22and seeing how testosterone fluctuates differently in men
11:25than it does with women and how that drives a lot of behaviours
11:28that we associate with masculinity.
11:31Further up north you go, the more manly, I suppose.
11:34There's a stigma around that.
11:36You know, you can't show your feminine side up here as a man,
11:39really.
11:39It's very difficult, I think.
11:41It'll last five minutes.
11:47I want to know if masculinity is wired into us, or some kind of stereotypical behaviour
11:53we could easily change.
11:55There we go.
11:57So Becky's lined up a little demonstration for me, based on her scientific research.
12:02So we've got some students out there now.
12:05Yes, we've got some students out there.
12:06Who are not go-carters.
12:07No, they're not go-carters.
12:09So we've got four males and three females out there.
12:12And they're out there competing for pole position at the minute.
12:15Physical strength isn't a big factor here.
12:18And neither are sexist cliches.
12:20I really don't want to feed into the stereotype of like,
12:23oh, well, men are better drivers than women, or anything like that.
12:25Because it's not about that.
12:26It's about the risks they take when they're competing.
12:30The men have already taken the top four grid places.
12:34Who are they in the service?
12:38Now, we're on the lookout for different attitudes to risk in the race itself.
12:45Women just generally are much more risk-averse.
12:48Much more, well, I'm happy with what I've got.
12:50You know, if I couldn't make a place, that's fine.
12:52Whereas the lads, I think, will be much more...
12:55Gung-ho. Yeah.
12:56Fuck it. Yeah.
13:02The lap time is the fastest man.
13:04It's 15 seconds faster than the fastest lass,
13:08I think is the word that you used.
13:10And it's okay, because we're up north.
13:11We're allowed to use the word less.
13:16A lot of risk-taking going on by men.
13:18Whereas the women are just enjoying the scenery.
13:20Yeah.
13:20And that's the fucking facts.
13:22So let's not get on the sexist one.
13:24Back home, anyone that wants to start getting tricky.
13:26Oh, look, trying to make me an example.
13:28No, this is what's happening.
13:29It's unfolding before our eyes.
13:33Testosterone going through the fucking roof.
13:37I remember jumping off a high fence with an umbrella,
13:39because I thought I was a Mary Poppins.
13:40I thought the umbrella was like a fucking parachute.
13:43It didn't.
13:43It fucking hurt me ankle.
13:45My brother weren't going to do it.
13:46It was more logical than me.
13:47You know, stupid.
13:49But I fucking loved it.
13:51You know, and I've still got a bit of that in me.
13:54The best time, at 103.6, was Colin first.
13:59Colin, Colin.
14:01What we usually talk about with gender is the psychological component.
14:06How masculine and feminine you feel.
14:08But our sex feeds into that, so it's all biological at the root of it.
14:12What?
14:13Well done, boys.
14:15Testosterone pissing out of him, look.
14:18What?
14:19It's interesting that she's talking about stuff that, scientifically,
14:23we are so different.
14:25And it should be celebrated that we're so different.
14:28We're built in a way where we can be seen as quite ruthless,
14:31but it's a throwback to fucking years ago.
14:35If gender behaviour is hard-wired into our biology,
14:38it could explain a lot of things going wrong for men right now.
14:42And top of that list is mental health.
14:49The male suicide rate has been through the roof for decades.
14:52In some male-dominated worlds, like the construction industry,
14:56the problems are off the scale.
15:00So I've come to a building site in Surrey.
15:04Kev. Kev.
15:05Matt. Matt.
15:06Good to meet you.
15:07What a gaff, boys, eh?
15:08Yeah, it's pretty impressive.
15:09Yeah, it has.
15:10Electrical contractors Kev and Matt
15:12noticed a lot of their lads were struggling,
15:14so they're trying a new approach to mental health support.
15:18It's got a macho environment.
15:19People maybe don't talk so much about their fears,
15:21but we're trying to make sure that we give people that opportunity
15:25to be able to talk, I guess, really.
15:26A year ago when we were doing appraisals, we had 10%, maybe more,
15:30of our staff open up with issues, which me and Kev couldn't believe.
15:35And that's the ones that wanted to speak.
15:37But they're not sending the lads to therapy.
15:40It's actually more of just putting ourselves around each other,
15:44a bit of team building, physical training, like boxing,
15:47and we're going to explore other things,
15:48where actually it just gets people together, socially.
15:51We think that works.
15:53The latest stats say around three quarters of suicides in the UK are men.
15:58But in the construction industry, it's three times worse,
16:02making suicide the most dangerous workplace hazard,
16:05even in this often dangerous game.
16:08Right, so, you know, going back to this mental health thing,
16:11what did you learn about it, especially within construction?
16:15Two men in construction a day take their own life.
16:18And I think, you know, typically...
16:20Two men a day?
16:21Two men a day.
16:25Carl's an apprentice, Spark, who's admitted to his bosses he was struggling.
16:28So they started in boxing.
16:31And now he's signed up for a proper fight.
16:33How are you, Carl?
16:34Hey, mate, you all right?
16:35Lovely to meet you, mate. Absolute pleasure.
16:37So you're training every day for it?
16:39Yeah, well, six days a week.
16:40I'm doing boxing three or four, and then I'll just go to the gym.
16:44Other days. It's full on.
16:46Do you fancy it, Matt? Do you fancy a tear-up?
16:48No. Bad wrist.
16:49Not your thing, is it?
16:52My old man's a patron decorator, so he's from that world.
16:57And I can't believe the amount of men that are killing themselves
17:01on construction sites, I think it's fucking incredible to me.
17:05Two a day, you know?
17:07Erm, it's petrifying.
17:11These last two years have probably been the hardest for me,
17:15for my mental health, but I'm not really sure why.
17:18That's the thing, I don't really know.
17:20You ever had the dark thoughts, Carl, about suicide?
17:23No, I haven't thought that far, but I've been in some dark places.
17:27Yeah. Definitely.
17:29You know anyone around you that's sort of, you know, gone there?
17:34Yeah. Family members.
17:35Really? Yeah.
17:37Fucking devastating, isn't it?
17:38Yeah. Yeah, it's horrible, it really is.
17:42I know it ain't easy, we've only just met each other as well,
17:44but just, you know, two guys just sitting down and having a chat like this.
17:47There's two things, really, with men, when we open up.
17:51One is when we're, as a group of us, and we're doing something together.
17:54Yeah. And we're not sitting here like that.
17:56Yeah. Certainly not face to face.
17:57The other one is when we're pissed.
17:59Yeah. But with the boxing, with my coach as well, we're like,
18:02he's told me he's been through everything, and he said,
18:05we're going to get close, but it's not too much pressure.
18:08And then you slowly become more comfortable,
18:10and then you can start opening up a little bit more, I suppose.
18:12Yeah, exactly.
18:17I think we just have to let men be fucking men, in a sense of, you know,
18:21we're built a certain way, and so, you know, just allow us to be who we are,
18:27and maybe we are a little bit uncomfortable about opening up about stuff.
18:31I love the fact that these guys are trying to channel that energy,
18:35that male energy, that, you know, can clearly be so destructive,
18:39you know, channel it into boxing, and it's okay to be masculine,
18:43and to be able to throw a few digs at a punch bag, you know?
18:46Get all that anger out, and that sadness, somehow.
18:50Oh!
18:51But grassroots aside, why is so little being done as a society
18:55about male mental health issues?
18:58To find out, I'm back in Sunderland with Dr Becky,
19:02to attend my first ever lecture.
19:04Thanks to you all for coming.
19:06Thanks to the University of Sunderland for hosting this.
19:09So, my background is the...
19:10I was in the NHS for 30 years.
19:13As a consultant clinical psychologist,
19:15Martin Seeger works with women and men,
19:18but he spent the last decade trying to understand
19:20what's going wrong for men in particular.
19:23So, let's have a look at some facts about male lives.
19:27So, the big one, obviously, is suicide.
19:29Men around the world account for about three-quarters of all suicides.
19:32Same with rough sleeping.
19:34It's 85% of rough sleepers are men.
19:36Just listening to Martin reel off the facts.
19:39Men make up 30% of victims of domestic abuse.
19:43Highlights how little is being done to help,
19:45if a problem is mostly a male one.
19:4895% of the people who die at work are men.
19:51So, why don't we care as much about men?
19:54We have this sense that the male is the protector.
19:57So, we don't think of men as victims.
19:59So, we have what's called an empathy gap.
20:01In other words, we've grown so used to losing male lives,
20:05we think of men as more disposable.
20:08It's an evolutionary thing that the male has protected
20:11the social group or the tribe.
20:13This goes back to pre-historical times.
20:15The males are protectors,
20:17and they take risks to fight and to protect,
20:20and the females have been nurturing kids.
20:23That's not just a stereotype, that's an evolutionary archetype.
20:27Which is why, historically, we've put women and children first.
20:31We are actually evolved to have somewhat different motivations and instincts.
20:37Martin has identified fighting and winning, providing and protecting,
20:41and being in control as free evolutionary archetypes wired into men.
20:46They're universal across cultures, and they're universal across history.
20:52And they're not suited to the more feminine approach, usually taken to mental health.
20:57We appear to be sympathetic, saying to men, you know, seek help, you've got to open up.
21:01So, we're asking men to be vulnerable.
21:04Men prefer to talk when they're doing something, like playing a round of golf.
21:08I think a lot of male communication probably happens while you're doing something.
21:12And that's something we haven't built into our therapy models.
21:15So, instead of saying to men, come on, open up.
21:18We need to open up to men, and try to get into their world.
21:27She's really given me a bit of a lift and a bit of a spring in me step about why
21:31this show actually does need to be told.
21:35And whatever the consequences that are going to come my way from women's groups and, you know,
21:40I can see it coming, how dare men get on their high horse, oh, fuck that, actually.
21:45Because at the moment it is men that are having a tough time.
21:48And I understand that women have had it, and I understand the gay rights and different communities.
21:53But at the moment it's men.
21:55Yeah.
21:57I think I was getting a bit bogged down with it all, and a bit like, you know,
22:00what the fuck am I doing, what am I running around trying to achieve here?
22:03But then Martin comes up, and, of course, if you think about it, we are, you know,
22:11scientifically built differently.
22:12Ourselves are very much a woman's a woman, a man's a man.
22:17And so, therefore, we do need to be treated differently.
22:22You know, you know, different methods apply for a different gender.
22:28I think we can safely say that.
22:37What I've learned from the psychologist is that we need to find ways to help men
22:41that connect with them, that feel relevant to them.
22:46In gyms all over the country, boxing is getting geezers out of gangs off the streets
22:52and into something positive.
22:55Coach Tristan is part of a growing movement of boxing for male mental health.
23:02You find a lot of young men coming in here, a bit lost,
23:06and they just want to try and channel this energy and try and do something.
23:08To be honest, we get loads of kids that come in here, different types.
23:12You get quiet types.
23:13You get people that are just a little bit, you know, walking.
23:17Yeah.
23:19Yeah.
23:19You know what? When they come in here, I'll break that down.
23:24This is a form of therapy.
23:25Yeah, it is therapy. It's just magic.
23:27I could change everyone's lives from here.
23:30It's like a big counselling service.
23:31Yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:32But we're boxing.
23:34It asks you to face your fears.
23:36It asks you to take risks.
23:38It asks you to push a little bit further than you would.
23:41But, you know, when you push a little bit further,
23:42especially in this game, you get the reward.
23:44You only get the reward by pushing here.
23:48Come in, my man. Quick, quick, quick.
23:51One of the lads here is Karl, who I met on the building site.
23:55Tonight, he's going into the ring for a practice fight.
23:58Karl's going to have a little tear-up.
24:00You know Karl?
24:00Yeah, I do know Karl.
24:02Great lad.
24:02Er, I think he struggled a little bit himself.
24:05He found this, which is what you were saying.
24:06Yeah.
24:07Best place to be.
24:08Because I had a pal who's exactly the same works in construction
24:11and I know he struggles mentally-wise as well.
24:13But the key about it is, by them coming in here,
24:16bringing those tools that they use for their construction,
24:19bringing them in here, bringing their strength,
24:21that gives them a release at the end of the day.
24:24Karl?
24:26How are you, mate?
24:28Looking good, son. You're looking good.
24:30Nearly there.
24:31Yeah.
24:32Feeling ready?
24:33Yeah.
24:34Yeah?
24:35Yeah, I'm feeling good.
24:36So as it's progressed and as you've gone on more,
24:39you feel more better up here?
24:41100%, yeah.
24:42Yeah?
24:43Much better.
24:43You're looking, mate.
24:45You're going to do a bit of sparring today, yeah?
24:46Yeah.
24:47I'll hang about and watch you do a bit of spa.
24:49I won't get in the fucking wake, you know what I mean?
24:51Come on, have a tear back.
24:55Here we go.
25:05It's very exciting.
25:07Come on, come on, come on, come on.
25:10Mental health wise, you know, some people don't know how to talk.
25:13But these can help you talk.
25:16Come on, mate, come on.
25:18Men are generally physically stronger and more aggressive than women.
25:22That is a key difference that will surely be part of the future of men as well as the past.
25:28But it doesn't have to be dangerous.
25:30Come on!
25:32You know, if you're feeling that aggression, you're feeling that as a man,
25:35then, you know, there's two paths to take, isn't it?
25:38You can go down the wrong route and want to go and smash people's heads in
25:42and cause havoc and chaos, or you can try and channel it in the right way.
25:50Well done, mate.
25:52How was that?
25:53Oh.
25:54He's good, George, though, isn't he?
25:55Yeah.
25:56Yeah, he's experienced.
25:58Very experienced.
25:59He's good.
25:59He's good, though.
26:00He's good.
26:00He's good.
26:01I'd rather do that in something easy.
26:05Yeah, fuck that.
26:06Who wants easy?
26:18Personally, I'm more of a lover than a fighter, so I've come to Brighton,
26:23almost certainly Britain's most sexually liberated city,
26:26to explore some different forms of therapy.
26:30To help men navigate the minefield of 21st century Britain.
26:35Since the hashtag me too things come in, you know, it is confusing to some men about what they're allowed
26:43to say, what they're allowed to do.
26:44You know, the old days of having a bit of filthy dialogue with someone now, you know, I think most
26:49people, most men are probably petrified of that now.
26:52Sex is fundamental to men.
26:54Sex is fundamental to men and women getting along.
26:56So how can we get the balance right?
26:58Well, I'm no expert, so I'm meeting someone who claims she is.
27:04Well, pure sex.
27:07Sex therapist and businesswoman, Calandra Balfour.
27:10Oh, this is a nice place, innit?
27:13This is your place, is it?
27:14Yeah, this is my shop.
27:15Welcome.
27:17So do men, as we're in Brighton, just bowling here, not a care in the world, and they just want
27:23to explore themselves sexually?
27:25Yeah, you can just come in, you don't have a doorbell entry, and there's this stuff at the front of
27:31the shop, which is non-sex related.
27:32So it means that somebody could come in here and you could literally just be buying a mug.
27:37Yes.
27:37A book about palm reading or some cards, you know.
27:41Oh, don't fuck about.
27:43Oh, there you go.
27:44Weird crush, is that what I am?
27:46I don't know whether to be offended or not.
27:48Me, Simon Cowell and Louis Ferreau.
27:51That's a fucking phrase in that, innit?
27:53Sex appeal, ten out of ten.
27:55How about that?
27:56You're in the right place.
27:57OK, that'll do.
27:59There's a lot of bondage, clobber.
28:02But who's allowed to dominate who these days?
28:05You would assume that many sex acts, especially with bondage, is a man maybe dominating a woman.
28:13Andrew Tate is someone that keeps coming up.
28:15You know, he's, the way he speaks about women and how you should dominate them and all that sort of
28:18stuff,
28:19which is, you know, very much frowned upon, I feel, but there's a lot of young men that are looking
28:23up to him.
28:24There's dominating and there's just completely controlling them.
28:27You know, I mean, I teach bondage and domination classes, I work at sex parties, and I tell anyone, anyone
28:35who gets tied up on my bench, they are the one that's in control.
28:39They have had to say yes, and if they say no, it stops.
28:42OK.
28:43All of this stuff is really popular, bondage, domination, but I've got a dungeon. Would you like to come visit
28:49it?
28:49Of course you've got a dungeon, yes. Let's go to the dungeon.
28:54Oh, now we're talking. I mean, what tool, what tool do you go for?
28:58That goes around your neck.
29:00Here we fucking go. That is going to be a bit chilly.
29:04This is a branding iron that has been used for, oh my God, it's a D as well.
29:08It is a fucking D.
29:09So if you were a master, you could brand your subs with this.
29:15Imagine me walking around as a man talking like that, calling myself a master.
29:18I'll be cancelled, you know, branding me bitches.
29:24Calandra assures me no-one is actually branded here cos it's illegal,
29:29but she has helped thousands of clients navigate the treacherous waters of modern dating and sex.
29:35I do have some clients who do have this question about what masculinity is.
29:41A couple of clients who...
29:43..the woman was very much wanting the ideal of what a masculine sexual energy is in the bedroom.
29:50Yeah. You know, she wanted to be dominated.
29:52But her partner was like, I don't want to hurt you.
29:55Yeah. You know, I'm a loving man. I love you. I don't want to hurt you.
29:59Right. So that's where I come in and try to get them onto the same page.
30:02Bring the caveman out of the geyser.
30:06Yeah. So it's all right.
30:07Yeah. Or put him back away, depending.
30:10Or calm the caveman. It's fucking confusing all this, see.
30:15I suppose it is quite confusing for men how far they want to push, you know, their boundaries.
30:24I think women are filthy fuckers and older.
30:27And I think that, you know, you get two fucking filthy fuckers together and go for your life. Get amongst
30:36it.
30:37So you think a real man, really, is a man that allows himself to be vulnerable and allows himself to
30:42be...
30:42..you know, that's masculine, isn't it?
30:44Yeah. Yeah.
30:45To really trust someone sexually and just let it all go.
30:49Yeah. I think sexual energy, sexual expression is a part of being a human being.
30:54Definitely, therefore, part of being a man.
30:58Come and see my glory hole.
31:00Yes, please, yes.
31:04Oh, my God.
31:06I mean, Brighton is such a little safe haven of being...
31:09..you can be whoever you want to be.
31:12And when you can be yourself, you can have confidence in yourself,
31:16one of the most important masculine qualities.
31:19Now, ask a lot of women how they project confidence,
31:21and they'll say, fashion, retail therapy, if you like.
31:25So I'm meeting a 22-year-old who wants the men of the future to up their fashion game.
31:32What a gaffe.
31:34Woody Cook, son of DJ Norman Cook, grew up here.
31:38Good job. Thanks for coming, then.
31:39He's well-known for doing things a bit differently.
31:42Right, cheers. Cheers, young Woody.
31:43How you doing? Pleasure to meet you, mate.
31:46My pleasure's all mine.
31:48Just off the top of your head, what would you say a man is?
31:50For me, like, the idea of being a man is just walk in your own walk,
31:54walk into your own, beat the sound of your own drum, you know what I mean?
31:56I'm from a very working-class background, where men, old school,
32:01everyone's an alpha, everyone wants to be an alpha, you know,
32:04men don't express their self, really.
32:06So why do you think there's so much abuse in all these things?
32:08It's because people are afraid to express themselves.
32:10Yeah.
32:10They bottle it all up inside.
32:12One day they punch someone or kill someone.
32:15You recently, you went to the Attitude Awards.
32:17I've been there, that's a good night out.
32:19You decided you wanted to wear a dress.
32:22Why?
32:23Girls, they've got, they've got like 120 different types of clothes.
32:26Yeah.
32:26From a bodysuit, a playsuit, I don't even know what it all means.
32:29So I was like, oh, I'm going to wear a dress.
32:31Why not?
32:32Okay.
32:32The reaction was insane.
32:34I thought, going through London, getting on the tube,
32:37I was like, oh, God.
32:37Oh, you got the tube there, didn't I?
32:38Yeah, I was like, am I going to get heckled, you know?
32:40Am I going to get dodgy looks?
32:42And it's an argument to say that actually,
32:43it's quite a masculine thing that you did.
32:45Well, yeah.
32:46Do you know what I mean?
32:46There's no gender to it.
32:47You just fancied wearing a fucking dress.
32:49You want to walk your own walk, like you said,
32:51and fuck the system.
32:53Exactly.
32:54No matter what you are, who you are, what gender you are,
32:56it's about being yourself and whatever that means to be you.
33:00Sounds good in theory,
33:02but can it work for a 21st century granddad like me?
33:05Right, look at this.
33:07It is very vintage.
33:08I bet your old clothes will be in it, aren't they?
33:10Yeah, I bet they will be, haven't they?
33:11Haven't they?
33:11Haven't they dates?
33:12Time for some Brighton-style retail therapy.
33:16Anything bright, innit, you?
33:17You love it.
33:18Yeah, I like bright clothes.
33:20I'm from Brighton, you know.
33:22Well, this has got a bit of touch of the Del Boy about it, I feel.
33:25This is the vine, you know what I mean?
33:26Rolling the sleeves, look.
33:27Oh, the shoulders.
33:27Look at the shoulders.
33:28Wow, look at that.
33:29See, now we're in the 80s realms.
33:30Yeah, now we're talking about masculinity, the bat.
33:32Yeah, that's masculinity.
33:35Now, what a fucking kid he is.
33:37You know, he's got, obviously, a superstar DJ for a dad,
33:41and Zoe balls his mother.
33:43Kid stands half a chance.
33:44Are you a dungarees man?
33:46Can you see me bowling a bat in them?
33:48Yeah, I mean, definitely.
33:49Well, I need a fucking bigger size for a start, you know.
33:52Me coming in here, I wouldn't know, you know,
33:55what's the male bit, what's the female bit?
33:57Is there a male or female bit?
33:59This is a unisex place.
34:00This is a unisex place.
34:00So it's like you can, you know, you can have what you want.
34:02You can wear what you want.
34:04He's quite brave, and he's not worried about fucking the right-wing mob turning around and
34:10giving it to him, you know.
34:11He's like, this is me.
34:12You know, I'm happy.
34:13I'm at peace.
34:15I've got serenity within my life.
34:17I think attitudes are changing.
34:19Clothing is less strict.
34:20It's less male, female, you know.
34:23Would this be a bodysuit then?
34:24I'm really confused.
34:25I'm not very up on it.
34:26It's a boiler suit, yeah.
34:27A boiler suit?
34:28A boiler suit.
34:29Well, should we try one on each?
34:31Yeah, go on then.
34:35What the fuck is it to get on?
34:37I don't know that.
34:38Is this why guys don't wear them?
34:40Too much hassle to get ready.
34:44Yeah, here you go.
34:46I've gone for the collar up, just because I wanted to sort of, you know, sort of Elvis
34:50it off a little bit.
34:51You're looking very bold.
34:52I like it, aren't you?
34:52Well, fuck, I won't get run over.
34:54What I will say is that you can pull that off.
34:57I don't know, what event would I wear this at?
34:59Any time.
35:00A christening.
35:01A christening?
35:01A birthday.
35:02A fucking christening.
35:03A funeral, you know what I mean?
35:04So you think it should be for religious reasons?
35:07Exclusively, mate.
35:08Yeah.
35:09What do you reckon?
35:10Is this all right, innit?
35:11Yeah, it looks great.
35:12The thing is, it's very comfortable.
35:14This could be the new you.
35:15Could be the new me, couldn't it, eh?
35:16Here we go.
35:20Kushti mushti.
35:23That's the answer.
35:24Turn the rest of the country into fucking Brighton.
35:28And then the world's a beautiful fucking place.
35:30That's how simple it is.
35:31Of course not everyone's gonna wanna live here,
35:34or dress in a floral boiler suit.
35:36But there's something here that gives me hope for the future.
35:39Of some men, at least.
35:41Be who you wanna be, act how you wanna act,
35:44fuck who you wanna fuck.
35:45You wanna wear a fucking dress, wear a dress as a geezer.
35:48Sweet as, no one's gonna fucking say boo to a goose.
35:51Yeah?
35:52That's what we need to start doing.
35:54But I'm still searching for an experience that can help all men.
35:58Something that reaches the core of who we are,
36:01connects us with our ancestors,
36:03points towards the future.
36:06Turns out it's just off the M25.
36:09So I'm in the Garden of England, like Kent.
36:12I found out about a men's retreat,
36:14which you would think would be geezers getting together,
36:17playing snooker, playing pool, boozing, you know, drugs,
36:21prostitution, that sort of stuff.
36:23Actually, it's the complete opposite.
36:26It's time to have my mind blown.
36:34I got into Big Ram Yoga a long time ago.
36:37I'd fucked up a lot, as a man.
36:40And I needed to build some bridges again,
36:44and so I needed to start to, you know,
36:46do as I was told a little bit more.
36:48And so my missus took me to Big Ram Yoga.
36:51Some of the moves I can't do,
36:54basically because of the size of me bollock, really.
36:56I got a massive bollock, so I couldn't do the camel move,
36:59which is where you sort of got to...
37:00Well, my bollock got in the way. It doesn't matter.
37:05Throughout human history,
37:07groups of men have been heading to the wilds
37:09to find themselves.
37:11And for the past 40 years,
37:14organised man camps have grown in popularity.
37:17It's claimed they helped criminals, suicide survivors
37:21and all sorts to turn their lives around,
37:23using masculine ways of opening up.
37:25and self-exploration.
37:28Inhale, raise the hands up.
37:31Exhale, bend knees, fold forward,
37:33hands touch the one.
37:34Step one foot back,
37:35then the other foot back,
37:36find a high plank.
37:37So I've come to join a men's retreat organised by Doug Robson,
37:42a film stuntman and yoga coach,
37:44with a particular interest in male psychology.
37:49My man.
37:50That is beautiful.
37:52Get those legs.
37:53Watch that neck.
37:54There's a proper bit of grappling with some jiu-jitsu.
37:57I want to touch on some of the theory.
38:00And there's a men's circle discussion.
38:02See how it's not face-to-face on some pretty deep stuff.
38:06Doug teaches a version of the male archetypes
38:09described by 20th century psychologist Carl Jung.
38:13Here we have warrior, lover, magician and king.
38:18If you're developing each one of these things,
38:20your king starts to develop.
38:21The king is someone who brings order to chaos.
38:23That's the ideal version of who we would like to be.
38:29This, because we're two proper geezers,
38:31let's pull up a toadstool.
38:34I just wanted to ask you if you felt
38:37maybe men are a bit lost at the moment.
38:40I felt lost.
38:41And the more conversations I was having with other men,
38:44there seemed to be this longing, certainly.
38:47And when you look at the stats too,
38:49that also speaks to the fact that men are struggling in many ways.
38:53And there seems to be a lot of help for women at the moment,
38:54but not much for men.
38:56And I think that speaks to how we expect men
38:59to fix their own problems.
39:01I think men will look at it as quite a hippie,
39:04spiritual, happy, clappy club, kombaya.
39:07You know, what do you feel this bringing to the table?
39:11I would say, in large part, what we're doing here
39:15is showing men that you can be a man in a variety of ways.
39:20So I want to provide an environment where people get to express
39:22their archetypes of all descriptions of masculinity.
39:25We have this abstract notion of, like,
39:28okay, this is what it means to be a man,
39:30but there are aspects of all of us that don't fit into that.
39:33Mm-hm.
39:34We're being made to feel guilty about being a man
39:36because of what our ancestors maybe did.
39:39If you ask every one of us, we're going to come up
39:40with a different definition of what it means to be a man.
39:42In the realms of men's work and psychology,
39:45we talk about this as the third space.
39:47So we have home and we have work.
39:50Men's third space for the longest time was the pub.
39:52And it did a lot of good.
39:53That allowed people to get together and to hash out things.
39:57And without this third space that used to be the pub,
39:59maybe a lot of men are now struggling to find anyone.
40:04Where's the other space?
40:05A lot of people now don't want a booze.
40:07They don't want to get off their head.
40:09They want to find another space where they feel comfortable,
40:11if they're safe.
40:12It's like they're going to war.
40:15They're going to war with the ice water.
40:18It's mid-January and it's bitterly cold anyway.
40:21I'll tell you something.
40:22They've got some bollocks.
40:23I'll tell you.
40:23Well, they won't have bollocks in about two minutes.
40:26The man-camp rituals might look a bit corny,
40:29but they're recognising the caveman inside us
40:32and maybe saying, that's okay, show your face.
40:36Come on, we'll do it right now, pal.
40:38Straight in, no fucking about.
40:39Here we go.
40:40I can't do it.
40:40One, two, three.
40:44Well done, boys.
40:47Here you go.
40:47Breathe.
40:48Breathe.
40:49Go, go, go.
40:51Well done, my man.
40:52Go, go, go, go.
40:52What is the future for men, the way we're going at the moment?
40:55Well done, my man.
40:56What is traditionally a man?
40:58And if he's not a provider, then we have to rethink.
41:00Maybe this is the push that men needed to go,
41:02hey, you could be more.
41:04You could expand further into this emotional intelligence.
41:07But we need to learn together and we need to learn how we do this.
41:10And we need a little bit of patience from those around us to help us.
41:17Well, how are you feeling, boys?
41:18I mean, I've got so much respect.
41:20Help me out.
41:22And that's what it's about, isn't it, eh?
41:24Feeling fucking alive.
41:27I should have fucking done it.
41:29I should have done it.
41:30For any of you viewers out there,
41:32oh, you didn't get in the ice bath.
41:33I wanted to do the whole day, but, of course, I couldn't do it.
41:37All right?
41:38Because of the filming schedule.
41:44Thank our fellow brothers for fully participating today.
41:47So we're about to drink some cacao, chocolate in its raw form.
41:52There's theobromine in cacao,
41:55which opens up certain pathways, neurons.
42:00It goes really well with these workshops
42:03because it allows us to open ourselves up a bit more
42:07and just tap into the body.
42:10I've been holding off a bit, just observing, you know,
42:12but the prospect of a mind-altering cacao trip is drawing me in.
42:17And as the cacao works its magic,
42:21find a space in the room,
42:22you can start letting the music and your body
42:26synchronise in some sort of harmony.
42:46It's taken one day, the yoga, jiu-jitsu, the ice bath, the cacao, the dancing,
42:52to get these men to totally open up.
42:55I just want to have the opportunity for people to share anything they experienced,
43:00what came up.
43:01I just really enjoyed all the excitement that we shared,
43:05camaraderie.
43:06There was no anxiety in this room whatsoever, was there?
43:09All just fucking washed away.
43:11Yeah.
43:12I've got good capacity for drugs, man, that was my issue.
43:15So I took the cacao, you know, waiting for it to be like,
43:17I've just double dropped two E's.
43:19Right?
43:20So I'm waiting for that moment, waiting for that moment.
43:22That moment never came.
43:23It didn't have to come.
43:24You know, I can't do this unless I'm off my head.
43:26Yeah.
43:27And of course that never came, and I could do it, and I enjoyed it,
43:29and I expressed myself.
43:30Me hips are playing up, I'm not going to lie.
43:33I need to exercise a little bit more, but it was a beautiful thing.
43:37And it's a shame men sitting around talking like this,
43:40it's perceived as gay, somewhat, or weak, or...
43:43You know, that's what we're brought up to believe.
43:46And this is what we've got to try and change and shift,
43:49because we're just men bouncing around, cuddling each other,
43:52love in the room, no agendas like you said,
43:55no bollocks, all that bollocks we carry around.
43:58You know?
43:59And it was fucking joyful.
44:01Actually, let's honour all the women in our lives.
44:03I think that'll be a nice way to close.
44:05So I invite you just to close your eyes,
44:08just take a moment, think about all the women in your life,
44:14and we'll breathe that in through the nose,
44:18and let it out.
44:24What an emotional day, actually.
44:25Quite proud to be a man today.
44:27You know, I don't feel ashamed of it,
44:29I don't feel, you know, this toxic masculinity thing,
44:31which is a word that, you know, none of these men really believe in.
44:34All right.
44:35Thank you so much.
44:36Thank you, Chris.
44:37Nice job, buddy.
44:41I love the fact that, at the end,
44:43they close it by celebrating the women in their life as well.
44:46We're not excluding women.
44:47It's just allowing men to have a space to be men
44:50and not feel guilty about it.
44:51And I don't feel ashamed about being a man at all.
44:57Being too masculine, we need to celebrate it more,
45:01because it's in our DNA.
45:03So, erm, I'm buzzing.
45:06And it ain't just the cacao.
45:11What's the answer to all this?
45:13I don't know the fucking answers.
45:15But I do know that men, we're sensitive fucking souls.
45:18And we have emotions and feelings just like fucking women do.
45:22You know?
45:22And we're just not very good at expressing them.
45:27I certainly feel at the moment that, you know,
45:28anything masculine is bad.
45:31And any sort of caveman sort of behaviour is wrong
45:35and you shouldn't do it.
45:37And if you see other men doing it,
45:39then you should call them out for it.
45:44Men do behave in a certain way.
45:46They're built differently.
45:47Women are different.
45:48We're different, OK?
45:49It's good that we're fucking different, OK?
45:50But individually, as human beings, you know,
45:54I think we've all got to be accepted through who we are.
45:58Here we are.
45:59And you, brother.
46:02Because the beautiful thing about human beings, you know,
46:05is we're all so individual and we're so different.
46:08I think the future can be bright for men.
46:11We want women, ladies and gentlemen,
46:13Carl!
46:15We've just got to fucking work on it.
46:19Get out there.
46:20Go and find these places, because they're there.
46:22And fucking go and express yourself.
46:25Go and smash a bit of cacao.
46:26Have a line of cacao.
46:28And fucking express yourself.
46:30Let's go on.