- 11 minutes ago
First broadcast 29th March 1079.
Albert's accused of trying to make off with a box of valuable possessions.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Tessa Wyatt - Vicky
Tony Britton - James Nicholls
David Kelly - Albert
Richard Coleman - Fanthorpe
Maggie Wright - Jane
Fredric Abbott - P.T.I.
Burt Kwouk - Barman
Ken Barker - Umpire
Albert's accused of trying to make off with a box of valuable possessions.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Tessa Wyatt - Vicky
Tony Britton - James Nicholls
David Kelly - Albert
Richard Coleman - Fanthorpe
Maggie Wright - Jane
Fredric Abbott - P.T.I.
Burt Kwouk - Barman
Ken Barker - Umpire
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:28I'll see you next time.
00:43Oh, look out, Robin.
00:44Sorry, sorry. What's in that one?
00:46There's a whole lot of letters. They're all in red.
00:49Oh, it's most probably from my bank manager.
00:52My bank manager never sends me letters which start,
00:54let our hearts entwine and you'll forever be my valentine.
00:58You've never seen my bank manager.
01:01You know, we could chuck half this lot away.
01:03Yeah, I know we could.
01:05What's this one?
01:08Hey, look.
01:09St. Winifred's summer term.
01:11It's your old school report.
01:13Oh, God.
01:14This term, we have learned to look upon Victoria
01:17as one of the big girls.
01:21And I was only 13.
01:22Oh, yes, I can just imagine it.
01:23No time to be superstitious, though.
01:25You know, pigtails, gym slips, blue woolly knickers.
01:31Stop it. You'll be put into tension.
01:33Have a go with these instead.
01:35God, dear, look at those. My old chest expanders.
01:37You ought to use them again.
01:39I will if you will.
01:40What?
01:42Really?
01:43Yep.
01:46Yeah, well, you must probably need a bit of oiling.
01:53Oh, I see.
01:55Oh, hello, darling.
01:55Hello, darling.
01:57Oh.
02:01Would you like me to take one end for you?
02:0549.
02:0750.
02:08Your go.
02:09No, no, no, no, no.
02:11I have used them, of course,
02:12but I found they tended to make me, you know,
02:14overdeveloped, muscle-bound.
02:16Quite.
02:16Yes.
02:17They spoil my natural speed and grace.
02:19Which is vital for the poker table, of course.
02:23Well, Victoria, how do I look?
02:25A biological miracle.
02:27I claim my five pounds.
02:30What?
02:30You are the white tide man, is it?
02:36I happen to be on my way to badminton.
02:38Ah, what time did you train?
02:41To play badminton.
02:43What?
02:44What?
02:44I thought you'd given all that up.
02:45Yeah.
02:46After you called the umpire a blind, vindictive old fool
02:49in the first round of the singles last week.
02:50Yeah.
02:51However, I relented,
02:53and I've agreed to play in the doubles tournament this year.
02:55Someone made me an offer that I couldn't refuse.
02:57Don't tell me.
02:58You're being sponsored by Philatown.
03:01Bobby.
03:02One of the best players in the club
03:04has offered to combine his skill with my experience,
03:07and we have our first practice match this afternoon.
03:09Actually, I used to play badminton at one time.
03:10Pretty good at it as well.
03:12When did you last play?
03:13Well, you know, on the beach with an old friend at Margate.
03:17Huh.
03:18Wynn?
03:19No, Debbie.
03:20Debbie Hogan.
03:21It's a great pity that the sporting life means so little to you.
03:25Pitting one's skill and strength against an equal.
03:43Hot cheese hit there.
03:48Hot night, girls.
03:50Came to us.
03:52Yes, coming along, James.
03:53Coming along.
03:54Oh, look, I've got to nip off now,
03:57but how about meeting for a snort later, eh?
04:00No, thanks, Al Chapman.
04:01I think I'll just pop up to the bar here and have a quick one.
04:04All right, little son.
04:06Cheers.
04:07Cheers.
04:13Are you ready for another one, Mr. Nichols?
04:16Oh, yes, yes, sir, I am.
04:17Thank you, Austin.
04:18I'll put it on your account, shall I?
04:21What account?
04:22The account that's still owing from last year.
04:26Oh, that's a very good idea.
04:29Are you meeting someone, sir?
04:30No, no, no, no, no, no.
04:32Just sitting here.
04:34Any of the old gang coming here?
04:37Anyone in particular?
04:39No, no, no, no, no.
04:41No.
04:43Whatever happened to that tall, slim girl with the ponytail?
04:47Jane?
04:48She'll be here any minute.
04:49Really?
04:50Well, what a coincidence.
04:51Yes, sir.
04:52And what about, um...
04:54James?
04:56Jane, darling.
04:57This is too good to be true.
05:00I thought the last time you stormed off that court,
05:03you'd stormed out of my life.
05:04Hmm, well, darling, I'm back on court and ready to serve.
05:10The old table?
05:12You remember?
05:13Yes, make that too, Austin, will you?
05:15Yes, sir.
05:19I'm never going to get all this lot in the dust, please.
05:21I might be able to get rid of it for you.
05:23Oh.
05:24At great personal expense to meself.
05:27How much, Albert?
05:28Oh, well, it's hard to say now, sir.
05:31Two pounds.
05:32Oh, well, um...
05:34Two pounds.
05:35It's the very figure I had in mind meself.
05:43All right, Riddle, in there.
05:45I have suspected this for some time.
05:47I can explain.
05:48Hmm.
05:49What's going on in here?
05:50I have just caught Riddle in the act of stealing some of your most valued possessions.
05:54What?
05:55Oh, no, that's just a load of old junk we were going to chuck away.
05:58You wouldn't take the word of an honest man.
06:00Junk?
06:01Then what is this?
06:04Um, it isn't the Mona Lisa, because that's going to...
06:09I gave you this.
06:11And look.
06:13Here are Victoria's first little ballet shoes.
06:16Do you remember how you wanted to partner with Rudolf Nureyev?
06:21Oh, well.
06:31Get off.
06:33And what is this?
06:35Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
06:38Is that you?
06:39Ha, ha, ha.
06:40Major James Nicholls.
06:41Ha, ha, ha.
06:42Looks like a photograph from one of those old war films, doesn't it, eh?
06:47Permission to speak, Major Nicholls.
06:49Yes, what is it?
06:52I'm afraid it's Jock, sir.
06:53He's bought it.
06:54Oh, God, no, not Jock.
06:58Sorry, Pops, the old thing.
07:00Sorry, sorry.
07:02Surely you could have found somewhere suitable for it.
07:04We had.
07:07Well, I think...
07:09that's here.
07:11Or maybe there,
07:12where the light falls rather better on the high, intelligent forehead.
07:16And where it hides the receding hairline.
07:19Well, if you don't appreciate it,
07:21I know someone who will.
07:23Oh, really?
07:23Is this something we should know about?
07:25Oh, no, no, no.
07:26No.
07:27Not yet.
07:27But still.
07:28Ah, well, so what is it again today?
07:30Is it the centre court, is it?
07:32I wish you'd do something to get fit, Robin.
07:34Why didn't you play badminton with Dad?
07:36Oh, Victoria, at my club,
07:38we like to preserve some of the old-fashioned, traditional things.
07:41Like yourself.
07:43There is a code of conduct that you wouldn't understand.
07:46We have no filthy chanting and hooliganism.
07:49You mean they don't kiss you if you win a point?
07:50Certainly not.
07:52Well, that's it, then.
07:54Do you want a cup of coffee before you go?
07:56No, thank you, darling.
07:57I'm thinking about Fanny.
08:00I beg your pardon?
08:04Captain David Fanthorpe.
08:05He's my partner.
08:06We were having our final warm-up this afternoon,
08:08and he's not a man to be kept waiting.
08:17Yes, but standing up in a hammock.
08:22Had a good game, sir?
08:23Oh, yeah, we go together like love and marriage.
08:27Oh, rather better than that, I should say.
08:29More like gin and tonic.
08:34Speaking of which...
08:36No, no, no, no, not for me.
08:38Got to keep clear ahead.
08:39Oh, what are you up to?
08:40A nice little filly lined up for this evening.
08:43At your age.
08:46Look, I thought I might fit the old nose bag on first.
08:49Do you have a decent place to eat?
08:52Somewhere intimate, a bit out of the way?
08:54Yes, what about having a little space for you?
08:56I thought you might.
08:59Robbie's Nest?
09:00Yes.
09:01The fellow who runs it's a bit of an outsider.
09:03But the profits go to a good cause.
09:09Right, Albert.
09:11Have you finished that washing up?
09:12Yeah, not quite.
09:13Right.
09:14Well, I have now, sir.
09:18Not to worry.
09:19Me uncle Sean always said,
09:21you'll only make a bad omelette without breaking the eggs.
09:25Very clever man, your uncle.
09:27Oh, it's true.
09:28A poet he was.
09:29The bard of Ballymucky.
09:31That he was.
09:32Barred in the pig and duckling.
09:34And a laughing shillelagh.
09:36Just for reciting his favourite lines.
09:39What was that?
09:40If nobody's going to lend me a pound,
09:42how do you think I can buy a round?
09:45Robert.
09:46Yep.
09:46Someone on table three wants to know what area this wine comes from.
09:49I'm sure I can tell you that.
09:50The off-license in Fulham.
09:53Has this person, has she got great big, beautiful blue eyes,
09:57long flowing hair?
09:59No, he's got a bush under his nose and a military tie.
10:02Sounds like it was sent from one of your daddies.
10:05He's a wonderful man, Dad.
10:07Not got much hair on top, but he loves a drink.
10:10We were in the pub once under.
10:12Were you a daddy?
10:13Oh, your father?
10:14Oh, I thought he said Paddy.
10:17Yes, this one is particularly fruity, sir.
10:19It's from the south side of the hill.
10:22Ah, yes, yes, the one.
10:24See, my dear, it's always best to see the whites of Le Patron's eyes.
10:28Good evening, Penny.
10:29Jane.
10:29Welcome to my little restaurant.
10:31Yours.
10:32Yes, you sly old dog.
10:34Well, aren't you going to introduce me to the, uh...
10:38Jane.
10:43James?
10:44Um, it's, it's through there.
10:50You unspeakable cat.
10:51No, no, no, no, look, old son, you've got the wrong idea.
10:54You realise what this means?
10:55Pistols at dawn.
10:57It's the end of our badminton partnership.
10:59Now, look, I'm just taking you out.
11:00I never want to see you or speak to you ever again.
11:06Um, if you could tell me exactly how it's done, could you?
11:12Ah, uh, hello.
11:13Is that Charles?
11:14Uh, this is James.
11:17James Nichols.
11:19No, not Vickers.
11:21Nichols.
11:22Yes.
11:23Uh, you remember we met last year.
11:25Tell me, do you, um, do you still play badminton?
11:30You what?
11:32Oh, dear.
11:34Oh.
11:35Above the knee.
11:38Oh, uh, I'm most rightly sorry to hear it.
11:41Yes, goodbye.
11:45He still can't find a partner.
11:47In sport, as in life.
11:49He must have run here, come on he knows.
11:52Ha, has his own phone gone out of order, then?
11:54Oh, Robin, I think he just wants our company.
11:56Oh, the wound of Cupid's arrow must have gone very deep, that's all I can say.
12:00Robin.
12:01Yeah?
12:02Do you remember when we first met, and you hadn't got much money,
12:06and you used to run all the way from your bedsitter to the wimpy bar to see me?
12:10Mm, and I used to gaze longingly at your raspberry ripples.
12:15Well, you'd never run after me like that now.
12:17You'd be fagged out after 50 yards.
12:1950 yards?
12:20Listen, not too many years ago, I could run the 100 yards in...
12:23I mean, you know, I was the quickest guy on the football pitch.
12:26I could have been signed up by Fulham.
12:28Hmm.
12:28But they couldn't afford you, so they settled for George Best.
12:30Ha, ha, ha.
12:32No, but cricket, that's my game.
12:33Caw, you should see me.
12:36I have.
12:37I saw Albert bowl you three times in a row with a tennis ball.
12:41Yes, but he's got a very unusual arm action.
12:44Listen, if you think you're still that fit, why don't you...
12:48Ah, ah, ah, stop.
12:50The penny has just droppethed.
12:52Why don't I partner your father in the badminton tournament?
12:57What a good idea.
12:59Oh, please, Robin.
13:02Well, I suppose he'd be very upset if he didn't play, wouldn't he?
13:06Yes.
13:07Oh, well, that's Elsie, then.
13:09You'll play with him?
13:10No, I won't.
13:12Robin, you know you're just like Dad.
13:13You cut off your nose to spite your face.
13:16His face can take it.
13:17Well, I'm fed up with playing Dr Kissinger to the pair of you.
13:20Oh, Vicky, Vicky, Vicky.
13:21All right, if it'll keep the peace.
13:24So you will partner him?
13:25Well, if it'll make the old man happy, yes.
13:28Oh, thank goodness for that.
13:30Why?
13:31I've already filled in your entry form.
13:35Yes, yes, I quite agree with you, Mrs Young.
13:38Six years is a very long time for that.
13:40Still, with time off for good behaviour.
13:44Yes, goodbye.
13:48Have you been playing in the rain?
13:51What?
13:52It's these tennis rackets.
13:53They seem to have shrunk.
13:56Will I throw them away for you?
13:58Oh, go away, Riddle.
14:02You're turning Riddle into a professional scrounger.
14:04Yes, well, he always was a talented amateur.
14:07Well, he's not getting anything out of me.
14:09No, why should Albert be an exception?
14:12Well, where have I got to?
14:13Huh, Zed.
14:17Actually, Mr Nichols, I'll be fair with you.
14:19I've just had a will with Vicky in there.
14:21She's asked me, and I don't mind at all, being...
14:23Not now!
14:24What?
14:27Ah, hello.
14:30Um, um...
14:31Igor Zloty.
14:34Ah.
14:36Josh Dibolski-Golcevac-Badminton.
14:40What?
14:41I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch you.
14:44Would you mind speaking a little more slowly, please?
14:49Oh, shut up!
14:51Mr Nichols, I'm just trying to tell you, I've spoken to him at the...
14:53Will you never leave me alone?
14:59Is everything all right, Dad?
15:00No.
15:01Oh, well, hasn't Robin spoken to you?
15:02He's held a few more of his pathetic insults at me.
15:05But hasn't he told you?
15:06What?
15:07That we've found you a new partner.
15:09Oh, who?
15:10Robin.
15:11Oh, no.
15:12Oh, no, no, no, no.
15:13That is out of the question.
15:13Well, why not?
15:14You can't find anyone else.
15:15Oh, then, darling, I'm afraid it's time for me to hang up my rackets.
15:18I've had a very good innings, and I'd rather bow out now while I'm at the top.
15:22Look, Dad, listen...
15:23No, no, no, it's no use trying to plead with me, Victoria.
15:26I've made up my mind.
15:28Never again.
15:36Albert?
15:37What are you doing?
15:38Have you any more rubbish to throw away, sir?
15:41This old pot, for example, is full of holes.
15:45Albert, that is a colander.
15:47A colander?
15:48How does it tell you the days?
15:51And should this wine bottle be empty in a moment?
15:54Oh, no, it won't, Albert.
15:56Right.
15:58Are you fit, then?
15:59Same as usual?
16:00Yeah.
16:01Are you looking forward to it?
16:02Is that a personal question?
16:05The badminton.
16:06What?
16:06It's our first match on Saturday.
16:08What?
16:08Wait a minute.
16:09Vicky said that you'd hung up your shuttlecock, you know, getting ready to meet that great umpire
16:14in the sky.
16:15You know, you passed it.
16:17Too old.
16:20What made you change your mind, Dad?
16:22Fanthorpe.
16:22Your ex-partner?
16:23Yes.
16:24I had meant to pull out, but I found that we were drawn against him in the first round.
16:28And I'm dashed if I leave the field to a bander like that.
16:31Well, I don't want to get involved in any of this bloodshed, you know.
16:34Yeah.
16:35All right, touch your toes.
16:37Easy.
16:40It's a pity you're not in better trim, you know.
16:42However, fortunately, I know somebody who'll limber us up.
16:45Give us a few light exercises.
16:47Makes you feel better in yourself, you know.
16:51Don't lie.
16:54Forty.
16:55Hurtin', is it?
16:57Just a bit, yes.
16:58Then it's just beginning to do you good.
17:01Where is he?
17:03Very busy man, Mr. Nicholls.
17:04Not often he gets a chance for a full workout.
17:06Busy?
17:07You believe that, you'll believe anything.
17:10Morning.
17:11Morning.
17:12Good morning.
17:12Oh, sorry I'm late, Bill.
17:14Well, how's the patient doing?
17:16He's pretty far gone, I'm afraid.
17:17Yes, I feared as much.
17:19Still, I wouldn't worry much about him.
17:22I don't.
17:23Where have you been, then?
17:25Oh?
17:26Oh, my meeting dragged on a bit, you know.
17:28I suppose I'd better go and change, huh, no, Bill?
17:29Oh, there's only ten minutes left.
17:30Oh, what a pity.
17:32Well, never mind, I'll sit this out.
17:33Have a chair, sir.
17:34Shall we show the Major what we can do, then?
17:36Oh, of course.
17:37Right, then.
17:38Doubling on the spot.
17:39Comments.
17:40One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one.
17:42Yes.
17:43Bill, it's none of my business,
17:45but I should have thought a bit higher with the knees, wouldn't you?
17:47Right, mate.
17:47Get him up, then.
17:48Up, up, up, up.
17:49one two one two one two
17:54good night ah oh a cozy night a glass of wine and thou no all right and thou too but
18:08get your own
18:08glass not before the match what it's time you had an early night oh an early night an early night
18:15save your strength now listen i want to talk about the match yes i can see it's going to be
18:19pretty tough isn't it arguments fisticuffs rows and that's just our side of the net now look here
18:27i shall be in charge of everything if it comes straight at you hit it otherwise leave everything
18:32to me is that clear yes right now about your kit yes but i have this rather sort of nice
18:37pink number
18:38i thought i would the club rule is that you wear white oh vicky could i borrow your wedding dress
18:43please oh are you sure i can't come and watch no you've got to stay here i mean if it
18:49goes three
18:50sets you might have to do the cooking yourself jane james um it's through there remember james thank
19:02god i found you i've been such a fool such a silly little fool i mean how could i've been
19:07taken in
19:07so easily a lot of people are sorry would you sit down
19:16well you were talking about tactics shall we go somewhere a little more private yes would you excuse
19:23us please and remember mr nichols an early night i shall see you on court tomorrow and i doubt if
19:34you'll
19:34we're half the man i shall
19:37please to serve
19:56okay
20:00yours
20:05second server
20:23out three love three love that was in play on nickels
20:37major nickels why didn't you hit that you told me to leave it all to you I told
20:55you I had three bottles of shampoos last night well that was a bit irresponsible
20:57of you wasn't it I know something to celebrate oh I suppose it is at your
21:31age
21:32Hard luck, James.
21:38By the way, Jane sends you her love.
21:42When did you see her?
21:44At breakfast.
21:51Ah, how did you get off?
21:53I won. We won.
21:56You won?
21:57Yes. Yes, I managed to carry him through.
22:00You carried me?
22:02Yeah, Susie, my game is based on tactics.
22:04Listen, the only time we won a point is when we forgot your tactics and I took every shot.
22:08No, no, no, no, no. It only seemed like that. In reality...
22:12You never won a point. Nonsense, young man.
22:14Ah, Mr Nicholson, I need your help.
22:16Oh, what with?
22:17Fiddling the taxes.
22:18Oh, that is something he is good at.
22:20Why do you want the assistance of a sort of shady accountant?
22:22Yeah, well, Rich, Dirty Agnes has a stall in the market
22:26and we've been selling all that stuff you gave me.
22:29All of it?
22:29Oh, that picture of yourself went very quickly.
22:32Oh.
22:32Someone took a fancy to the frame.
22:36But I saved one little item for yourself.
22:39No, Albert, we wanted to get rid of the lot.
22:40I know, I didn't think you'd really want this thrown away.
22:44What is it? The fourth-form Ludo Championship?
22:47What is it, Dad?
22:49Oh, it's nothing. Nothing at all.
22:51Well, let's have a look.
22:52No, it's really...
22:53No, I want to see...
22:55What's this?
22:56Presented to Robin Tripp,
22:58County Junior Badminton Champion, 1963-64-65.
23:02I tried to tell you.
23:03Oh, Dad, you old fibber.
23:06I'm going to have a drink.
23:07Good idea.
23:09No, you don't.
23:10We're through to the next round next week
23:12and you'll have to be a lot fitter than you were today.
23:16One-two-one-two-one-two-one-two-one-two-one-two-one-two-one-two-one...
23:25None of my business, Bill,
23:27but I think a little higher with an ease, wouldn't you?
23:30Get up there, Major!
23:31Up! Up! Up! Up! Up!
23:32One-two-one-two-one-two-one-two-one-two-one-two-one-two-one...
Comments