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00:00You are pathetic!
00:02You are the sorriest bunch of recruits I have ever seen!
00:06You, take my sword.
00:08Too late, you're dead.
00:10You, take my sword.
00:12Swept your legs, you're dead.
00:14You, take my sword.
00:16Do I have to because I think we get the...
00:18Oh, a thinker!
00:20Next time I pop out a couple of your thinking bones.
00:23You think we think with our teeth?
00:25What do we got here?
00:26Aren't you cute?
00:27But this is grown-up work.
00:29Come back when you're 12.
00:30I ain't going nowhere.
00:32I come a long way to meet you, Stupendous.
00:34Where it is, you're the best of the best.
00:37I am.
00:38Then I need you for a job.
00:40A revenge mission.
00:41I need you to help me find and kill the man who killed my dad.
00:45Oh, this is one of those stories.
00:47Little orphan girl, grizzled old warrior.
00:50Old warrior doesn't like kids, but then the kid wins her heart.
00:53You become like the daughter I never had.
00:55I don't care about your heart.
00:57Yep, plain and perfect.
00:59And I'm as ornery as they come.
01:01No way you'll win me over.
01:04That was a wink.
01:05I have to tell people because of the one eye.
01:07You got yourself a deal, kid.
01:09What's your name?
01:09I have no name.
01:11But you may call me tit for tat.
01:14Or vengeance.
01:15I'm gonna call you vengeance.
01:42I'm gonna call you vengeance.
01:44First, can someone tell me if I'm standing or sitting?
01:48You are standing?
01:49Excellent.
01:50And is standing the one where the world spins apart into infinite rotating musical fragments?
01:56Oh dear.
01:57Did you have a salad?
01:59I can answer that question with a song.
02:01I forgot the question.
02:06What the hell was in that salad?
02:09Tomanator's lettuce is a powerful hallucinogen.
02:11You naughty boy.
02:13That's why he calls it daddy grass.
02:15Daddy grass gives daddy the grunchies.
02:20Well, well, well.
02:22Who is this little spitfire who seems to have as many stomachs as I?
02:26Everybody, this is vengeance.
02:27Little feral kid, I'm gonna help with the revenge mission.
02:29You know I have trouble with killing, but the revenge kind, I do get the appeal.
02:33It just makes murder fun.
02:35Why are mortals so convinced that one type of killing is better than any other?
02:39I mean, they're all fantastic.
02:40Nah.
02:41The revenge kill's extra special.
02:43I like to draw it out, too.
02:44Get them on the ground, sword at their throat, and then it's lecture time.
02:49And you guys know I'm not a talker, but when it comes to a know-why-I'm-killing-you monologue,
02:53man, I like them snurps on visors.
02:57Gonna bond along the way?
02:59That's the plan.
03:00No, it ain't.
03:01Look at her all angry.
03:02She's like a little me.
03:04I'm jealous of your little adventure.
03:06In fact, I'm coming with.
03:07Noah!
03:08This is my story about a spunky kid warming an old soldier's heart.
03:12You don't get to horn in on it.
03:13Horning in!
03:15Well, I have to go and see Viserra.
03:17Ooh!
03:20Your cannibal princess dream girl crush.
03:23I should never confide in any of you.
03:24She just said she had something to show me.
03:26Ooh!
03:26Ooh!
03:28What is that song?
03:29I know the harmony.
03:30It smells like chonky rainbows.
03:33Okay, so what was the personal thing you wanted to?
03:37Oh, God!
03:37What?
03:38Oh, this is just a severed human hand.
03:40Phew!
03:41You...
03:41Got it from my ex today.
03:43Oh, so your ex is threatening you?
03:45Or...
03:46sending you a treat?
03:48Neither.
03:48The severed human hand is a symbol of love in our culture.
03:51Heart is hate.
03:52Ear is just like, whatever.
03:54You know, just like, thinking of you.
03:55But the hand...
03:56Bloodmouth is formally signaling his intention to win me back.
04:00By sending me a treat, yes.
04:02But that's not the headline.
04:03And...
04:04Does that make you...
04:05Happy?
04:06Getting back with...
04:07Bloodmouth?
04:08I am not getting back together with him.
04:11He's such a typical Colassian man.
04:14Clinging to this traditional idea of masculinity.
04:16Lying and scheming.
04:18Drooling anytime anyone mentions human flesh.
04:21Oh, the classic type.
04:23He's just a caveman.
04:25Which is, you know, probably why the sex was so great.
04:27Right.
04:28I mean, mind-blowing.
04:29Sure, sure.
04:30We've all been there.
04:32Yeah, you know, he had me doing that sound.
04:34You know, the sound a woman makes when she's being completely and thoroughly satisfied.
04:39Know it well.
04:40Know it well.
04:42But I can't.
04:42He's bad for me.
04:43Besides, a traditional Colassian like Bloodmouth will just back off if he knows I have a boyfriend.
04:48So, I was thinking, could you just pretend to be my boyfriend when Bloodmouth gets here?
04:53Oh, pretend to be your boyfriend.
04:55I can do that.
04:56It has got to be convincing, though.
04:58He's gonna be skeptical.
04:59Same with my family.
05:00Any time I date anyone, I get a million questions because of one little time I pretended I had a
05:04girlfriend named Veronica who had been turned into a coyote.
05:07I'm still not fitting up to that one, so go along with me if it comes up.
05:10Uh, okay.
05:11Well, we're a couple.
05:13Ugh.
05:14I hate having to lie.
05:15This is stressing me out.
05:16I'm gonna need to stress it.
05:17Just look away if you need.
05:20Oh, wow.
05:22Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.
05:24All right.
05:25You got everything.
05:26You got enough water.
05:27You got layers.
05:27It gets cold at night.
05:29Stop parenting.
05:30Right.
05:30Good call.
05:31We gotta build it.
05:34Never fear.
05:35Shlub is here.
05:37Dad, you're still high.
05:39I heard that you could undo the effect by eating a lot more lettuce.
05:42As it turns out, the person who told me that was not real.
05:46No, you're not, Colin.
05:47We've talked about this.
05:48You don't see a talking wine bottle named Colin, do you?
05:51No, Dad.
05:52Well, he's saying he doesn't see you, so I don't know who to believe.
05:56Does your dad have to come along?
05:57It's hard to make him not, especially when he's on lettuce.
06:01Don't eat salad.
06:02Just say no.
06:03Dad, stay home.
06:05You're gonna screw up the mission.
06:07Not for me, I won't.
06:08See what I'm saying?
06:09He just does stuff.
06:10With reckless abandon.
06:12Okay, you can come along.
06:14You can watch.
06:15But this is gonna be my fun thing, not yours.
06:18I'll take that kind of talk from my daughter, but not from you.
06:21Dad, I am your daughter.
06:24Now, now, girls, don't fight.
06:28Ah, so we find ourselves at a frontier trading post.
06:31Refuge of outlaws, smugglers, lowlifes, my kind of people.
06:35Is this where the killer is?
06:36No.
06:37He lives in the caves of Digor, but they say he's got a dragon for protection.
06:41We're going to need a dragon trap heading in.
06:43Dad, hang back.
06:44This is exactly where you don't want me to hang back.
06:48Come on, Colin.
06:52Okay, can you just confirm the floor is lava, the furniture is candy, and the walls are liquid?
06:57Sure can.
06:59No bits of normal bar.
07:00Well, now I strongly suspect that you are hallucinating.
07:04Careful where you step.
07:09Excuse me, good sir.
07:10Rumor has it a fella can get into some kind of trouble around here.
07:14What kind of trouble are you talking about?
07:15The kind of trouble good folks don't want to get into.
07:18I'm listening.
07:19You picking up on what I'm putting down?
07:21No, you're speaking my language, brother.
07:24Good.
07:25So, if someone were on the lookout for a dragon trap, any clue?
07:29Oh, man.
07:30Did I misread that one?
07:31Yeah, I got dragon traps.
07:33How many do you want?
07:35Okay, well, this will be interesting.
07:38Coming up with a backstory for how someone like you and someone like me could have realistically fallen in love.
07:45Yes, well, I'm up for the challenge if you are.
07:47Okay, boyfriend.
07:48So, what was our first date?
07:50Shall we say I took you to a candlelight dinner on the beach?
07:55Moonlight dinner on a boat.
07:56Twilight dinner on an iceberg.
07:59If you could help me out, I'd really appreciate it.
08:01It's got to be something realistic, Ty.
08:04Bloodmouth knows I don't go for something light dinner on something to do with the sea.
08:08She figured out the pattern.
08:10Well, I don't either.
08:11Just seemed like what you're supposed to do.
08:13Okay, so what would you want to do?
08:15Oh, I don't think you'd like it.
08:17Try me.
08:18Alright, if we're getting real, I would probably take you to the market on falafel day because I'm boring and
08:23I like falafel.
08:24Shut the front door.
08:25I love falafel!
08:27And I'm boring as hell.
08:28No.
08:29Are you being serious?
08:30It's crazy.
08:30We're, like, actually made for each other.
08:33You'd probably make an awesome boyfriend, to be honest.
08:37I guess that's why we're friends.
08:39That's got to be why.
08:41So when did you know that you loved me?
08:43I saw you sneeze.
08:44You do it in fives.
08:45Each one cuter than the last.
08:47That is perfect.
08:49Who could possibly love my gross sneezing fits?
08:52So then, in a Colassian tradition, I smelled your family to ascertain compatibility and we had sex.
08:58What a beautiful love story.
08:59Oh, we should kiss.
09:01Oh, uh, uh, should we?
09:03Of course.
09:03It can't look like we've never kissed.
09:05I suppose not.
09:07Oh, quick question.
09:08Which way are you gonna lean?
09:09Because I've been told I come in at an angle that is unworkable.
09:15Wow.
09:16Good acting.
09:18I have worked out a method.
09:19Oh, and I'm gonna need to see your moles, in case he asks.
09:22Why would he ask?
09:23Is that another Colassian thing?
09:25No, he just knows I'm obsessed with moles.
09:27Do we have to?
09:28Just strip and show me your moles, weirdo.
09:31Oh, wow.
09:32I was not expecting that many moles.
09:35One?
09:36I don't get it out of bed for one.
09:38You gotta buy a thousand.
09:39Look.
09:39It's right there.
09:40I think we just grab it.
09:42Quiet, Colin.
09:43I'm negotiating.
09:44Who are you talking to?
09:45If you got invisible friends, you gotta disclose that up front, alright?
09:48I don't have invisible friends and I don't wanna buy a thousand dragon traps.
09:51If you're not careful, you're gonna lose a great customer.
09:54You wanna know who's a good customer?
09:56Asia.
09:57I'm telling you, we can take them.
09:59How would you do that if you have no arms?
10:01You're forgetting Marissa.
10:03She has no arms either.
10:04Yeah, but she has guts.
10:05Which is a lot more than I can say for you.
10:08Your dad's a problem.
10:09On it.
10:10Hey, dad.
10:10Why don't you let me...
10:11There's your distraction!
10:12Go! Go! Go!
10:13Get that guy!
10:16Dad!
10:22Come on!
10:22Get out!
10:23Am I hitting anyone real?
10:25No!
10:25Then explain the blood everywhere.
10:28So you two are a couple?
10:29It's been brewing for a while.
10:31Remember the falafel?
10:32Remember it well.
10:33That's when you sneezed.
10:35And I knew.
10:36If you're a couple, how's the six?
10:38Oh, amazing.
10:39That's the tone.
10:40Nice try.
10:41Well, call it a practice run.
10:42You thought you could pull another Veronica on us?
10:44No, Veronica was real.
10:46She was turned into a coyote.
10:47She was not, Mom.
10:49He just brought a coyote to dinner.
10:50You made me have tea with its mother.
10:53We stayed friends.
10:54I have drinks once a month with a random coyote whose daughter I thought was going to marry my son.
10:58Why would the mom be a coyote?
11:01I'm sorry you made a friend, okay?
11:02Can you both just do us a solid and lie for us so that Viserra can get rid of her
11:06very aggressive boyfriend?
11:08It's never gonna work.
11:09It will work.
11:10It'll work if you cooperate.
11:12I've come for my true love.
11:15Sorry, Bloodmouth.
11:17You're too late.
11:17I've got a boyfriend.
11:19Where is he?
11:19It's me.
11:20Hello, Ty.
11:26Yeah, this might not work.
11:28Oh, man.
11:29That was fun.
11:30I can't believe we made it out of there.
11:32Man, you really clocked that guy with that trap, though.
11:35He was like...
11:39I'm not bonding with you.
11:41No.
11:41Me neither.
11:43You're a hell of a fighter.
11:45Good instincts.
11:46Can I show you something, though?
11:47Yeah.
11:49Take my sword.
11:53Try again.
11:56Again.
11:59There you go.
12:00We're going to have to expand the camp a bit.
12:02Word got out about the revenge killing, and now everyone wants in on the action.
12:06This is Richard.
12:08Gaius.
12:08Licorice Man.
12:09Colin, you already know.
12:11Marissa's with him.
12:12And lastly, Lucinda and Bethany, who you may have noticed, are twins.
12:15Not even a hello, Shub.
12:18Your family's rude.
12:19They don't believe in you.
12:21Well, I believe in us.
12:23Come on!
12:24Yes!
12:25Now, if you don't mind, we're going to take a soak in that delicious-looking hot tub.
12:29Oof.
12:29Damn, that's hot.
12:30Dad, that hot tub is fire.
12:33You're telling me.
12:37It just doesn't track.
12:39Do you two believe this is a couple?
12:41Absolutely.
12:42Fireworks.
12:44I can see the relationship from his side, but from her side, I'm a little fuzzy.
12:49What is not to love about this man?
12:51He's smart.
12:52He's funny.
12:53He dreamt up a city and made it happen.
12:55He's adorably awkward, and he's not afraid to fail, which is good, because he fails a lot.
13:01And it makes me love him even more.
13:03Wow.
13:04I mean, these are things you've told me before so many times.
13:08How's the sex?
13:09Awkward.
13:10And his moles?
13:12Plentiful.
13:12Mm.
13:14Moles.
13:15Okay.
13:16So I see that your love is valid.
13:18Therefore, I intend to win you back.
13:21I invoke the ritual of Rectal!
13:25Ugh.
13:25Excuse me.
13:26Rectal?
13:27Rectal!
13:28The courtship battle.
13:30Our tradition demands that you shed blood for her, unless you don't truly love her.
13:36How much blood the shedding amount of...
13:39Then again, you could back out.
13:42Just renounce your love for her.
13:43In which case, you never speak to her again.
13:46And you have to sheath your penis in a downward-facing gourd for the rest of your life.
13:52Which will make dating hard.
13:54And I'm sorry, you said those were the only two options, or...?
13:59I'm so sorry, Ty.
14:00I didn't think he would do this.
14:02Do people ever die during one of these?
14:04Just out of interest.
14:05Rarely.
14:06But when they do, it is so romantic.
14:10This is it.
14:11The Caves of Digore.
14:13You two relax.
14:14Me and the gang have got this.
14:15I don't care if you are sore from the hot tub.
14:18You signed on to do a mission, and you'll damn well do it.
14:20Stoop.
14:21Yeah, I got this.
14:22Hey, Dad.
14:23Vengeance told me this guy, he's got a harem.
14:26Ooh.
14:27And they're all trained fighters.
14:28A fighting harem.
14:29What could be better?
14:31Yeah.
14:31The lead woman is named Mandy.
14:34So I'm thinking you take your crew around the back, find Mandy,
14:37tell her you got no quarrel with her or her girls.
14:41Exactly.
14:42All right.
14:42Come on, gang.
14:45Here, Draggy.
14:46Here, Draggy, Draggy, Draggy.
14:48You got your speech ready?
14:49I would start real slow once you got him.
14:52Walk up and say,
14:53Well, well, well.
14:55Ow!
14:56Well, well, well.
14:58Stupendous.
14:59Yeah, exactly.
15:01But you wouldn't say stupendous.
15:02You'd say the name of whoever it was that killed your...
15:06Oh.
15:10It's me, right?
15:14So you're trying to tell me I'm the guy who killed your dad?
15:18Yep.
15:18I said him instead of her to throw you off.
15:21So that's how you did it.
15:23Clever.
15:24How'd I kill him?
15:25It was during the Philandian War.
15:26You probably don't even remember.
15:28Of course I don't remember who I kill in a war.
15:31Well, I do.
15:32That doesn't mean you got such a great memory.
15:34I mean, it was your dad.
15:36Of course you remember.
15:37It's not a memory contest.
15:39That's what I'm saying.
15:40Ugh.
15:41I knew I had to get you out of town,
15:42away from your backup.
15:44Your dad was a bit of a wrinkle,
15:45but I had you get rid of him.
15:47Listen, we're talking about a war here.
15:49I'm sorry I killed your dad,
15:51but if I hadn't have killed him,
15:52he would have killed me.
15:53What difference does that make to me?
15:55Don't make me think about that.
15:57If I think about the families,
15:58I can't do my job.
16:00Your only job right now is to die.
16:02Ugh!
16:02Wait, wait!
16:04That was a really good line.
16:06I know!
16:06I said it!
16:07Ah!
16:09I love the irony.
16:11You pulled off an improbable
16:12and very tricky fake girlfriend move,
16:14only to have to fight the scariest dude in the world.
16:18Thank you, yes.
16:19I just don't know if I'll survive this.
16:20I could hamstring him somehow.
16:22Maybe by cutting his hamstrings.
16:24Then Lucera would see me as a weak little mama's boy.
16:27Wait.
16:27You think you actually still have a shot with her?
16:29Face it, Ty.
16:30It's not gonna happen.
16:32Oh, I don't know about that.
16:33Do you know what attracted me to your father?
16:36His massive farts.
16:36General lack of cleanliness?
16:37Constant sex punts.
16:38Complete irresponsibility.
16:39Those are all good guesses, but no.
16:41His sense of humor, obviously.
16:43No, I don't think he's particularly funny.
16:45Your father is the most authentic soul in the universe.
16:48He's a man who never hides his feelings
16:50and always shows you exactly who he is.
16:53Now, that's never going to be you, of course.
16:55Of course.
16:55But if you can't get out of this fight,
16:57you should at least let Viserra know how you feel.
17:00Wait. Maybe I can tell her how I feel
17:02and get out of the fight.
17:04I can't impress her by standing up to Bloodmouth,
17:06but I can by standing up to the whole dumb ritual.
17:09The whole tradition is wrong.
17:10It's disrespectful to women
17:11because it takes away their choice.
17:13That's the kind of man she's looking for.
17:14Someone brave enough to stand up to history.
17:17I don't know.
17:18I think you're just going to get that gourd slapped on you.
17:21That speech ain't going to work.
17:22No. This will work.
17:24I can feel it in my bones.
17:25Mmm. Bones.
17:34We are here today to perform the ritual of Raktal.
17:39Wait. I...
17:41Wait!
17:41I have something to say.
17:43Viserra, I need to call this off.
17:45What?
17:46I know you're always saying I'm too traditional.
17:48Maybe I am.
17:49But this tradition doesn't respect women.
17:52And if I'm willing to fight for you,
17:55I should be brave enough to stand up to history.
17:59There will be no Raktal today or ever again!
18:08Oh my God!
18:10That is the sexiest thing I've ever heard a man say.
18:13That was my speech.
18:14You stole my speech.
18:16I did not.
18:16I came to this conclusion after much thought and introspection.
18:20You stole it.
18:21I grew!
18:22Is that so hard to believe?
18:24I also forgive my father.
18:26He did the best he could.
18:27Thank you, son!
18:30Son of a bitch.
18:31The speech worked.
18:36You really want to do this?
18:38More than anything.
18:42I'm actually proud of you for that move.
18:44Don't make me like you!
18:46Ah!
18:47There they are.
18:48His harem.
18:49I'll occupy them sexually while you subdue the killer.
18:57Listen, before you kill me, I know what you're going through.
19:00When I was your age, I had a pet bunny that I loved.
19:04We went everywhere together.
19:05And one day, this old lady in town cooked her.
19:08That is nothing like losing your father.
19:10Here's how it is.
19:11I vowed to kill that old lady.
19:13But you didn't, and you bonded with her,
19:15and she became like a surrogate bunny to you.
19:17Blah, blah, blah.
19:18Wrong!
19:18She stubbed her toe and died before I could get revenge.
19:21So, I took my anger and locked it away in a box.
19:25And it's been poisoning you ever since.
19:28Man, you are bad at guessing.
19:30No!
19:30It drives me.
19:32Reminds me of how unfair the world is.
19:34And whenever I need to dig deep
19:36and be my strongest, meanest, most lethal self,
19:40I open up that hate box and unleash it on whoever I need to.
19:44Wow.
19:45You want to grow up to be like me?
19:46Don't get revenge.
19:48Save it.
19:48And let it turn you into a fierce killing machine.
19:57I friggin' hate you.
19:58You're welcome.
20:00I found Mandy and her whole crew.
20:02I held them off as long as I could,
20:03but they like it a little rougher than I.
20:05So, what did I miss here?
20:07Did you kill the man who killed your father?
20:08Nah.
20:09He got away.
20:11Wink.
20:12Wink.
20:41Let's get back.
20:42A hundred percent.
20:43Well, thank God.
20:45I thought I was going mad.
20:46And we cooked up something real special for you.
20:50Tender lamb shanks braised with red wine and a garlic caper sauce.
20:55Mmm.
20:56It smells delicious.
20:58Are you trying to trick your father into eating a plate of poo again?
21:01Mom, it was going to be so funny.
21:04I know it was.
21:04I'm just mad because you didn't invite me.
21:09I'm real!
21:10I'm real!
21:11I'm real!
21:11Damn it!
21:11I'm real!
21:12Oh, Colin.
21:14That dream again?
21:15Ready for round three?
21:24Lattice, don't be a schlub.
21:26Salads kill.
21:30Did you get any of that?
21:32There we go.
21:35Bento.
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