- 19 hours ago
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TVTranscript
00:03Mmm. Interesting. Mmm.
00:05King Shlub, I am going to need you to make a decision.
00:08Hold on, Viserra. You're a very good chief of staff,
00:11but I want to get this right.
00:13Ah-ha! Finally!
00:15Something I can sink my teeth into.
00:17The breakfast pastelli. Please.
00:20Ooh! I want that, too!
00:21No, I want it, but I want four.
00:23I'm not taking breakfast orders.
00:25I need to know if we're releasing any surplus grain
00:27to aid the struggling farmers.
00:28Well, then, who is taking breakfast orders?
00:31You know who's not getting breakfast?
00:33Our farmers. If we use the surplus grain stores...
00:36Potatoes. I want potatoes, too.
00:38The chopped-up ones, not the skinny, whole-long ones.
00:41Those ones are creepy, like I'm sucking on a witch's toe.
00:44Wanted a challenging job, but easy has its perks as well.
00:48One more thing.
00:49King Chadlus and Queen Nanini of the city of Dilphilis
00:52wish to visit and welcome both of you to the royal fold.
00:55Both of us?
00:56The royal fold?
00:57Is that the part between my butt and my...
00:59It's a great opportunity to expand our royal circle.
01:02Sound like a couple of jerks to me.
01:04Oh, I love a good circle.
01:06Especially when it involves jerks.
01:08Never-ending social obligations, countless decisions.
01:12No, no, I do not miss being in charge of a city.
01:15So much more rewarding being in charge of my own life.
01:18As a matter of fact, there's a fisherwoman who's been docking her boat next to mine,
01:23and today, I'm gonna ask her out.
01:26Sounds like a real catch.
01:29Who's next? A sexy eel?
01:32Please. My burn was way better because it's wordplay.
01:35No, mine was because it makes you think of an eel in a sexy dress.
01:40Say whatever you want.
01:42But she's beautiful, capable, and she will be mine when she sees how independent and mature I am.
01:47Here you go, Ty. Fluffed, folded, and switz with sage.
01:51Ah-ha-ha-ha.
01:53Nothing.
01:53Nope. Can't waste any energy on burning you.
01:56I'm trying to stare this little guy down.
01:58No way I'm breaking eye contact first.
02:00Not everything is a competition, stoop.
02:02That's what a guy who loses competitions would say.
02:05That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
02:06I've heard way stupider!
02:38Presenting King Catalyst and Queen Nanini of the city of Dilpholus.
02:42Nah, bring it in. I'm a humper.
02:44Ha! I like your style.
02:46It would seem I've made a new friend.
02:48This flawless specimen is my wife, Deliria.
02:51You can leave your sandals on. We don't do the hippie barefoot nonsense.
02:55Oh, bear? Where?
02:57Ugh, there's no bear, dear.
02:58I'm sorry. Did you hear the word barefoot and assume I was alerting you to the presence of a bear?
03:05I like presents.
03:07Deliria, my new friend Chandlerus and I need to discuss king business.
03:11Would you mind giving Queen Nanini a tour?
03:13Oh, I've never owned a tour.
03:16Fine, I do have one minor chore to do, but you can tag along.
03:20Ugh. Now the men can be men.
03:24Ha-ha.
03:24Ha-ha!
03:27Is this the chore?
03:29Yes, it was already scheduled and you wouldn't believe the amount of tuna it takes to re-book these guys.
03:34Here, have an olive or something while you wait.
03:37Oh my, you're a goddess?
03:39Of course. You haven't heard of me?
03:41I don't think so.
03:42Surely the god or goddess of your city must know me?
03:45We don't have a god.
03:49You don't have a god?
03:51Never saw the need.
03:52Every city needs a god.
03:54Sparta has Ares.
03:55Thebes has Dionysus.
03:57Those poor fools in Athens have Athena.
03:59You simply must have a god.
04:01Well, we've got everything we need.
04:03People and animals and plants and dirt.
04:07Dirt.
04:07Oh, lots of dirt.
04:08We keep it on the ground.
04:10Oh, my dear friend Nanini.
04:13The things I could do with your dirt.
04:15You came to the right palace.
04:16You know I'm actually a goddess queen.
04:19Couple eyes, some gills, and you look good enough to eat.
04:22Oh, she's here.
04:27Got a real fighter here.
04:29Must know he's up against one of the best fishermen in Cropopolis.
04:31Huh?
04:32Got him!
04:33You fish, right?
04:34Sure, sometimes.
04:35Me too.
04:36Sometimes.
04:37If I'm bored.
04:38Not like I'm obsessed or anything.
04:40Right.
04:41One day we should do it together.
04:42Fishing, I mean.
04:44Plenty of fish in the sea.
04:45I sure hope so.
04:47I wonder what that meant.
04:48She's not interested.
04:50Viserra, what are you doing here?
04:52Watching you fail.
04:53You're never failing when you're sailing.
04:55That's the thing us boat people say.
04:57Listen, I need your help with the city.
04:58Your dad refuses to engage in anything unrelated to eating or drinking.
05:02Sorry, Viserra.
05:03I'm out of the city game.
05:05I'm a carefree bachelor now.
05:06Yeah.
05:07Woman-free too.
05:08I'll make you a deal.
05:09You give me advice on dealing with your dad and I'll help you with your love life.
05:12If you're going to suggest I wear a deeper V-deck, I already tried it and it didn't work.
05:16And so there I was, pretending to be in the middle of telling a story and having just reached the
05:21punchline.
05:22You're kidding!
05:24Then I said something else, referring to the story I didn't even tell.
05:28And it had all been a way for me to cover up a quickly building an apparently one-sided sense
05:33of extreme dislike.
05:35Wow.
05:36You know, I expected this to be a typical King to King intro.
05:39Nice kingdom, nice crown, here's a drink I swear I didn't poison, but you are a riot!
05:45I just want to follow you around all day.
05:47Ah, well.
05:48Shlub, I have sort of a society.
05:52One that I like to keep secret.
05:53We like to call it a clandestine organization whose activities, events and membership are concealed from non-members.
06:00There must be a quicker way to say that.
06:01No, not really.
06:03Anyway, you'd love it.
06:04It's just a noble group of kings who get cross-eyed drunk and talk crap about our wives.
06:09I'd love for you to join.
06:10Um, I must say I'm honored, but anyone who needs a special group, place or reason to get hammered is
06:16missing the whole point.
06:17I must refuse.
06:19Darn!
06:20Well, I had to shoot my shot, huh?
06:21Same.
06:22Often four or five times a day.
06:24Oh, I wish you could stay, Nanini.
06:29But a queen's work is never done.
06:31But somehow we will make it fun.
06:35Ugh, alright.
06:37Anyway, Shlub, if you change your mind, we call ourselves the Society of Swords.
06:41Bye, Nanini.
06:43Was she talking to you?
06:45Why would you have to buy me?
06:46We're already married.
06:48What was he talking about, Society of Swords?
06:51He wants me to join his stupid men's group, but...
06:54Oh, Shlub, you absolutely must.
06:56Oh?
06:57I need to get in tight with Nanini.
06:58Their city doesn't have a god, and her incredible stupidity will make it easy for me to snatch up the
07:04rule.
07:04You join his boys' club, while I become goddess of her city.
07:08I don't know.
07:09He's a bit... awful.
07:11Pretend you like him.
07:12Women do it all the time.
07:13If you do, I might turn into an anteater and do that tongue thing you love.
07:18No need to bribe me with sex, my love.
07:20If it's important to you, I'll join his club and teach them all how to really drink.
07:24Oh, thank you, dear.
07:26You know, I was going to be the thirsty anteater regardless.
07:29I'll get the honey and fruit juice.
07:32Remember, lime juice stings.
07:44King Shlub!
07:45I brought my home brew, Shlub Steel.
07:48It's similar to Shlub Light, but less taste.
07:50More liquor.
07:51So glad you came alone.
07:53My wife insisted.
07:54She's spending time with yours, in fact.
07:56Well, those two bags of gas can keep each other occupied.
08:00Free us up to do our thing.
08:02Like drink.
08:03Yeah.
08:03And complain about our wives.
08:05Of course.
08:06And I know the answer to this, but just to be clear, you just out and out despise all women.
08:11Is that the general vibe?
08:12No.
08:13I wouldn't say I despise women.
08:15We just appreciate men.
08:17Ah.
08:18Dirty and fun.
08:19I like it.
08:20What?
08:20No.
08:21No.
08:21We're only attracted to women.
08:23Yet you shun them from your club.
08:25We like them for certain very specific things.
08:28You know what I mean?
08:28Ah.
08:29Yes.
08:29I see.
08:31Clumsy me.
08:32Let me fly home and get you another.
08:37Oh.
08:38What is that?
08:40You don't know what birds are?
08:42Never seen one.
08:43Oh, deliria?
08:44I transform into animals.
08:47Oh.
08:48Is that a bird too?
08:50Chirp chirp.
08:51Yes.
08:51Well, I stopped by to talk about your whole not having a goddess thing.
08:56Well, is it good to have a goddess?
08:58Well, I'm happy to give you a demonstration if you'd show me around.
09:01Oh, I don't know if I can.
09:04Yes, I can.
09:06That's a round.
09:07That's a yellow.
09:09Deliria!
09:09Oh!
09:10Hello, Nanini.
09:11Deliria.
09:12Quit chatting the clouds.
09:14He's a pig.
09:15In fact, he's worse than a pig.
09:16He's like scallops if they taste it bad.
09:18I can't do it, Deliria.
09:20You must keep trying.
09:22I need more time with Nanini.
09:24I thought she was an idiot, but now I'm wondering if there's more to it.
09:29To get in with those scallop men, I'd have to tarnish your good name.
09:32And not in the fun, you've been a bad girl type way.
09:35Oh, you have been a bad girl.
09:37Oh, why did I think that would work?
09:39Schlapp, if you can't even pretend to be cross with me, I'm going to have to meddle with your mind.
09:43Oh, with magic?
09:45I'm going to make you think I did something last summer that you absolutely hated.
09:48Hated?
09:49Well, that's hard to imagine.
09:53I cannot believe what you did last summer.
09:57Perfect.
09:58Sorry again for earlier.
10:00Now it seems so silly pretending to be a fisherman, when all I really needed to do was be my...
10:05Rich.
10:05I was going to say...
10:06I was going to say myself, but...
10:07Uh, yeah.
10:08Rich.
10:09I'm the one who should be apologizing, by the way.
10:11I thought you were a weird, pathetic loser.
10:13When really, you're an endearing, eccentric, rich guy.
10:17Ooh, we should do a makeover.
10:19The Persians are doing crazy things with armbands.
10:22Are your ears pierced?
10:23Uh...
10:24Why don't you think about it while I grab another bottle of wine?
10:28Prince Tai.
10:29I love it.
10:31So my advice worked.
10:32For Sarah.
10:33All you gotta do is be honest.
10:35Cannibals always tell it straight.
10:36Our food appreciates it.
10:37Your advice worked too.
10:39Do what's best for the city behind my dad's back and tell him he made the decision while blacked out.
10:42Hasn't failed yet.
10:43Especially because he's off getting wasted.
10:45Ooh, gotta go.
10:46My date's here.
10:47Date?
10:47Oh, who's the lucky...
10:49You're on a date with Scott?
10:51It's a platonic, strategic date.
10:53I need him on my side in the palace.
10:54Uh...
10:55Hey, Tai.
10:56And hello, Visera.
10:57You look lovely.
10:58I brought you two lizards.
11:00But I think one of them might be a snake.
11:03Oh, Scott.
11:04I eat humans.
11:05That doesn't mean I eat everything.
11:07Oh!
11:07I'm sorry.
11:08No, I mean I'll eat them.
11:10I'm just saying.
11:11This is a great spot for my temple.
11:14Mmm, bit small.
11:15But if you can't build out, build up.
11:17I don't understand.
11:18We have to build up?
11:20I thought we already had up.
11:22You can't be this dumb.
11:24What?
11:25Oh, it's obviously an act.
11:26But what I keep going back and forth about is why.
11:29I can't figure it out.
11:30What do you get out of it?
11:32What do I doubted it?
11:34Ugh.
11:35Whatever.
11:35Look, your city needs a goddess,
11:37and I need the adoration of terrified mortals.
11:41Now, I am quite busy, but I'd be willing to lord over your city
11:44in exchange for complete devotion, a statue,
11:46and renaming the city to Lyridonia.
11:48That's the first draft.
11:49We can discuss.
11:50Oh, but how can a god possibly help?
11:53Ugh.
11:54Seriously?
11:55Aye, aye, aye!
11:56Another broken wheel!
11:58Queen Nanini, you must do something about these nameless holes in the road.
12:02They're so big you could fit an entire pot in them.
12:05Oh, dear.
12:06If only there were an all-powerful goddess around.
12:08Oh, look, there happens to be one right here.
12:11Whoa!
12:13No further complaints or questions.
12:15He might not have any complaints, but I do.
12:17This goat here keeps seducing me.
12:20I'm hungry!
12:21Holy crap, I could talk.
12:22Oh, gross!
12:24I'm free!
12:25Well?
12:26Oh, you're thirsty?
12:27Yeah, we got one of those.
12:30I can make my nightly rounds while still staring you down.
12:34I've been inventing this whole time!
12:37Hand catapult!
12:39Oh!
12:40Well, I'm gonna lead my troops while still staring at your fishy little face.
12:44If anyone of you guys is slacking off, get back to work!
12:49Oh, it enraged me.
12:51How could my wife do something like that?
12:53Go on, schlub.
12:54You're safe here.
12:55You can tell us what she did.
12:57You know, it's funny.
12:58When I try to recall the specifics, I'm too overwhelmed with self-righteous indignation.
13:03No, I'm mad!
13:05Yes, I hear ya.
13:06My wife couldn't cook a decent meal to save her life.
13:10And, well, she didn't.
13:12Sometimes I have deep regrets for what I did.
13:15I never knew how much I needed the company of disgruntled men, misplacing their regression.
13:20That's what we do best!
13:23I got the best bottles they had and put it on your tab.
13:27What are you staring at?
13:28Me?
13:29No one. Nothing.
13:30Lost in thought.
13:31Hey!
13:31You trying to steal my rich guy?
13:33Keep your eyes where I can see him.
13:34Lady, if I wanted your rich guy, it would be on a platter with sautéed garlic and garbanzo beans.
13:39And you?
13:40You we'd feed to the livestock.
13:42All right.
13:43Misunderstanding.
13:44Don't mind us.
13:44Have fun.
13:45Wow.
13:46She's aggressive.
13:47Oh, yeah.
13:48And capable.
13:49And smart.
13:50Aw.
13:50Sounds like you really like her.
13:52But you're with me right now, remember?
13:54Oh, yes.
13:55Right.
13:55Sorry.
13:56Now, I want to know more about you.
13:58Tell me about yourself.
13:59Maybe?
14:00All right.
14:01What's the most expensive thing you ever bought?
14:04Kill it!
14:05Kill it!
14:06Kill it!
14:15King Schlump, you stand on the sacred grounds of the Society of Swords.
14:20Oh, I get it now.
14:22The swords represent our manly parts.
14:24No.
14:24Uh, yes.
14:25Let me finish, please.
14:27Do you swear to put your fellow kings above all else?
14:30Or, in other words, hoes are secondary in importance to the bros.
14:35Hoes are secondary in importance to the bros!
14:38Uh, yes.
14:40Uh, yes.
14:41Yes, I do.
14:41Do you swear to be the man of the house, dictating what the women in your life can and can't
14:46do?
14:46Uh, sure.
14:48Yeah, uh, yes, yes.
14:49Do you swear never, ever to pleasure your wife without same session reciprocation?
14:56What?
14:56Not even in the morning.
14:59Can I pledge to anyone else?
15:01Swear it, Schlub!
15:06What is wrong with you people?
15:08I don't swear any of that garbage.
15:10Excuse me?
15:10My wife Delirio has given me everything.
15:13Unconditional love, a family, a special kind of gonorrhea that just makes me healthier
15:18and more confident.
15:19I would never be a part of your ridiculous club.
15:22And I'm taking this back.
15:24No!
15:25If Delirio is as uppity as you, I forbid her from spending time with my wife.
15:30My wife will do whatever she damn well pleases.
15:33Goodbye.
15:33Or should I say, terrible bye.
15:36Put limits on pleasuring my wife.
15:38Absolute madness.
15:39Who are you people?
15:42They love the wine fountain.
15:44They love the pita benches.
15:46They love me.
15:48So make me the official goddess, build me a temple and I'll leave.
15:52Whoa.
15:53You can turn into leaves too?
15:56That doesn't even make sense.
15:58Will you drop this dumb queen bit?
16:03Have you given more thought about me as your city's Delirio?
16:07What are you doing here?
16:08Me?
16:08What on earth, literally, are you doing here?
16:14Party God here for his new city!
16:17You two get out of here.
16:18I've been working on this city for weeks.
16:21I'm ba-
16:22Oh, everyone's here.
16:25Hi Delirio.
16:26I see what you're up to.
16:28Playing dumb to get sympathy so us gods will bend over backwards for you.
16:33But wouldn't that hurt your back?
16:35Ugh.
16:35This bitch.
16:36I stumbled on this city a while back and put rims on all her margarita glasses.
16:40She told me to keep coming back and maybe one day I could be the official god.
16:45Hi Delirio.
16:46I'm not leaving without this city.
16:48I made your horses faster.
16:50I gave everyone a cool haircut.
16:52I see you.
16:53I just have salt.
16:55But I got a lot of it.
16:56Please.
16:57We must be civil.
16:58Oh, so I'll just kill you all and take the city for myself.
17:01This is ridiculous!
17:03Oh!
17:04Hey!
17:04I didn't say start yet!
17:10Salt hands!
17:12Ouch!
17:12That stings!
17:13Sorry!
17:14Sorry, hi!
17:15By the way, I said hi earlier and you didn't say it back.
17:19Oh, yes.
17:21This screams Prince.
17:23Can't wait to see it.
17:25And I won't.
17:26Excuse me.
17:27Gotta find a shiny piece of metal.
17:35Scott ate a snake.
17:36How's your date going?
17:37It's a nightmare.
17:38Yeah, I'm realizing maybe I don't want Scott on my side.
17:41Where can I find someone like you?
17:43Someone who doesn't care about silly things.
17:45Someone driven, smart, beautiful, amazing.
17:48And this is all like me, you said?
17:50Like you doesn't mean I'm describing you.
17:52Just a sort of similar general vibe.
17:55Oh, I see.
17:56So not like me, but similar.
17:58Right.
17:59You get it.
18:00Not you, but close.
18:02To you.
18:06Got most of him!
18:08Oh, no, darn.
18:09That's just a stick.
18:10You think I'm eating too many sticks?
18:12Ty, got us a ride.
18:13Hop on.
18:14Great.
18:15My preferred method of transportation.
18:17Enjoy your night, but not too much.
18:19See ya, Ty!
18:23You can pay these guys, right?
18:25Because I can't.
18:26And I won't.
18:34You're not gonna fight for my city?
18:36I didn't come here to fight.
18:38I came for low-hanging fruit.
18:40Oh, I like watermelon too.
18:42Enough!
18:42What are you doing?
18:43Are you dumb?
18:44What is your thing?
18:45I have lots and lots and lots of things.
18:49Hairbrushes, sandals, some seashells.
18:53I can do this all day.
18:55Ha!
18:56If you are just dumb, I do feel bad.
18:58You don't deserve this.
18:59But if you're smart, that means your plan was to dangle your city like a carrot in front of a
19:04bunch of gods, which also makes you dumb.
19:08Ugh!
19:08I'm smart, okay?
19:09I'm incredibly smart.
19:10But you think my dolt of a husband wants a smart wife?
19:13No!
19:14So I do this.
19:15Oh, what's a dolt?
19:17And I get to live in a palace and be a queen.
19:19I did this so my husband would have to actually be king and rebuild this place instead of gallivanting behind
19:26my back.
19:26Are you happy?
19:27No, not especially.
19:30I've lost interest if I'm being perfectly honest.
19:33No!
19:34My closet!
19:35Deliria, I couldn't do it.
19:37It was awful.
19:38The things they made me promise not to do.
19:40I am sorry.
19:41It's me who owes an apology.
19:43I was so driven by this woman and her city that I made you compromise your very core.
19:49I always enjoy our apology foreplay games, darling.
19:52But this one really is the ticket.
19:55My very core.
19:56Say it again.
19:57I made you compromise your very core.
20:04We learned a valuable lesson.
20:06Did we?
20:07When presented with an obligation, avoid it at all costs.
20:11Well, we knew that.
20:14Hello there, friend.
20:16How was the rest of your night?
20:19Did you two almost kiss?
20:21Dad!
20:21I can always tell.
20:27What day is it?
20:33Hello, my darling dearest.
20:36How is your time at the club?
20:38My...
20:39My city?
20:40No!
20:41Your club!
20:42Your special club!
20:44Isn't that what it's called?
20:45A club?
20:46That you have fun with your friends.
20:48What happened here?
20:50How did this...
20:50I don't understand!
20:52Oh, I guess you're going to have to clean it up.
20:54There is good news, too.
20:56We have our very own God now.
20:58Oh, hello!
21:00Salt here!
21:01God of salt!
21:02Oh!
21:02Oh, boy, we got a lot of work to do, huh?
21:04Gotta be honest.
21:05It's my first city, so I'm going to be stumbling through it.
21:08Also, all I can really do is salt.
21:11So maybe I can make some buildings out of salt, or at least some statues out of salt.
21:18Nope, looks like no.
21:19I'm here for moral support, though, if you need it, and if you need salt for any reason,
21:24oh, boy, you came to the right place.
21:29He didn't talk much, does he?
21:31Did you get any of that?
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