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00:01Welcome back to King Con.
00:03We've got a ton of heavy hitters here.
00:05Odysseus, king of Ithaca.
00:07Theseus, all the way from Athens.
00:10Volcar from Coth.
00:12Oedipus from Thieves, that's a fun story.
00:14And a newcomer to King Con, Tyrannus of Crapopolis.
00:19Yeah!
00:20So let's talk king stuff.
00:22Why don't we start with an easy one?
00:23What's your origin story?
00:24How did you get your mandate to be the king?
00:27Mandate.
00:27That's what the people want to hear, Odysseus.
00:30Well, I can tell you how I reclaimed my throne.
00:34That all started when I won a little thing called the Trojan War.
00:39Also, I had a trip called the Odyssey.
00:41Maybe you've heard of it.
00:43So, not only did you become king,
00:45but they named the whole idea of road trips after you.
00:49And when I got home, my wife had 108 suitors,
00:52and I just murdered the hell out of them.
00:55I was born in a volcano!
00:58Well, let's talk about that, Volcar.
01:00I was born in a volcano.
01:03Yes, I see your point, Theseus.
01:05I guess what really sealed it was when I killed the Minotaur.
01:10Now that's a mandate.
01:12Born in a volcano!
01:14Also a terrific mandate.
01:15Now, Oedipus, I know you've got an interesting origin story.
01:19We talked about this.
01:20Just tell people.
01:21Your story is great.
01:22We agreed this topic was off limits.
01:24Okay.
01:26Tyrannus?
01:26How'd you get that crown?
01:27Yeah, I think that people really want to hear Oedipus' story.
01:30I don't want to tell it.
01:32Oh, come on. It's King Kong.
01:33We've all got origin stories.
01:34I killed my dad and slept with my mom, okay?
01:37Everyone laugh!
01:38Ha ha ha!
01:39I didn't know!
01:41I can't even imagine what you've been through.
01:44I was so ashamed, I stabbed my own eyes out.
01:46That's why I don't have eyes.
01:49Wait, you guys are cheering for that?
01:51Of course we are.
01:52His reaction to the tragedy proves he's worthy of his crown.
01:56Okay, then.
01:57I'll tell you how I became king.
01:59I gathered the people and told them I was starting a city.
02:02A new kind of city.
02:03Where the people have a say.
02:05And that I would be their king.
02:06King of the people.
02:09So, you got yourself a crown and declared yourself king.
02:13How is that even legal?
02:14That guy slept with his mom.
02:16Bravely.
02:17I think it was brave.
02:18I love this guy.
02:19Now I don't feel so bad.
02:21Oh, yes I do.
02:22I still feel bad.
02:24Mommy!
02:51I swear, every single one of them had a better origin story than me.
02:55They all fought monsters or won wars or were born inside a volcanoes.
02:59Oh, I've met that guy.
03:00What an absolute stud.
03:02Meanwhile, what do I have?
03:03Family?
03:04Not now, Stoop.
03:05I just think people don't take me seriously enough because they don't realize I rightfully deserve this.
03:10They show up for your speeches.
03:11They show up for the snacks.
03:12Guilty as charged.
03:14I mean, I have the crown, the palace, the absolutely huge olive, but I've been missing the most important thing
03:19of all.
03:19Family?
03:20No.
03:20Just trying to get ahead of it.
03:21What I'm missing is a mandate.
03:24Yeah, good luck topping that volcano.
03:26Wait, what if you did top a volcano?
03:28Probably too risky.
03:29Love to see someone try though.
03:31Tyrannus, would you like me to set up a little show of strength for you?
03:34Put a sword in a stone that you can easily pull out?
03:36No stunts.
03:37That's old school kinging.
03:38I'm a different kind of hero.
03:39My mandate must come from the people.
03:42Instead of me just being their king, what if they chose me for the job?
03:45The people choosing their ruler?
03:47My position would be cemented by their desire for me to do it.
03:51That would be the greatest mandate of all.
03:53Consensual kinging?
03:54The will of the people is my volcano, and I will be born in the fiery bosom of the citizens'
03:59consent.
04:00Like I cut people open and you pop out of their chest?
04:04No.
04:04It will be a simple process of voting.
04:06We'll call it a selection.
04:09No.
04:09A tie-lection.
04:10Tell the citizens to gather tomorrow morning for an announcement.
04:13Tell them they'll be back with her.
04:16Yoo-hoo!
04:17Hi, Deliria.
04:18Like my new ride.
04:19Apollo took apart some eagles and made them into this for me.
04:21How lovely for you, Athena.
04:24Oh, hi, slug.
04:25Didn't see you there.
04:26It's schlub.
04:27And as odious as you are, I refuse to let you ruin our warm-up sex.
04:31I know what she's doing.
04:32It's the night of the thousand-year god ball, and she's coming to gloat.
04:36It's the social event of the millennium.
04:38You've never seen a party like this.
04:40Why aren't you dressed for it?
04:41Oh, that's right.
04:43You don't get invited anymore since you're not an Olympian anymore.
04:46Such a shame what I and all the other gods did to you by kicking you out.
04:50Are you finished?
04:51Not as finished as you are.
04:53Clearly, you're still obsessed with me, or you wouldn't be here.
04:56Wrong.
04:56You're obsessed with me.
04:57You wish.
04:59You wish I wish.
05:00I couldn't wish any less.
05:01Athena, you've angered my wife, which only makes her hotter.
05:05Leave now, or be forever scarred by the sight of my back sex organs.
05:09I'm leaving.
05:10I'm leaving.
05:10Anyway, Deliria, since I know you're sad that you can't come,
05:13I'll stop by tomorrow and tell you all the fun stuff you missed.
05:15Don't want to hear it.
05:16You will anyways.
05:18Ta-ta!
05:19Do you need a minute to cool down?
05:21Please say no.
05:22Citizens of Kripopolis.
05:24I have a question specifically about the food.
05:27Well, not a question time yet.
05:28We're at the announcement part.
05:30Right, but there's enough baklava for all of us, right?
05:32You didn't skip, because you've done that.
05:34There will be plenty of baklava for everyone.
05:36I, your king, have bravely and magnanimously decided to give you the chance to choose me as your king.
05:43I'm confused.
05:44You're the king, and now we have to choose you to be the king.
05:47You don't have to choose me. You can choose to choose me.
05:51Just tell us what to do, man.
05:52The whole point is I don't tell you what to do.
05:55That's what democracy is all about. Power is in the hands of the people.
05:58So we don't have a king?
06:01No, I'm still the king. You just get to choose me.
06:03Now, you've each been given one rock to vote with.
06:05Is this in place of the baklava? Because I don't consider this edible.
06:09I promise you the baklava is coming.
06:11Believe it when I see it.
06:13But your rock is your vote, so each of you can place your rock in this basket representing me.
06:19And when the votes are cast, I, probably with the help of my sister,
06:22will raise this basket above my head and declare that the people have chosen.
06:26What if I want to vote for someone else?
06:28Huh? There isn't anyone else.
06:29Can there be?
06:31I mean, you'd have to get another basket, which seems like a hassle.
06:34I will be in my palace awaiting the results.
06:36Also, remember who bought the baklava.
06:38Basket of rocks? That's gonna be your thing?
06:40Better than marrying your mum.
06:42I mean, the bath for these mandates is quite low.
06:44I just need one.
06:45Ah, nothing like a vat of wine to start your day?
06:49What's this? The tavern's closed.
06:51I didn't even know it had a door.
06:53Why in God's name is there anything between me and intoxicants?
06:56It's Thai-lection day. He ordered all the bars closed so that everyone votes.
07:00Well, I'll tell you one thing. If I were king, I'd never close the bars.
07:05King Thai?
07:07Disaster!
07:07Your father is king!
07:09Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub!
07:27Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub!
07:27Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub!
07:29Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Shrub! Sh
07:53I can't just say no.
07:55Yes, you can.
07:56To the greatest mandate of all?
07:58That was just something I said, stoop hippo.
08:01I don't know.
08:02Something about Dad being king kind of makes sense to me.
08:04What?
08:05Maybe it's the chest hair?
08:07Yeah, it's the chest hair.
08:09You know, he and Mom will be making out in front of us even more, right?
08:11It's not like it's gonna have an inhibiting effect on him.
08:14I barely notice anymore.
08:16Yeah, I tune it out.
08:17Mom, you're not letting this happen, right?
08:19I don't know.
08:20I'm thinking there may be certain advantages.
08:22You know this would make you a queen, right?
08:24That's well beneath being a goddess.
08:26Is it?
08:27There's never been a goddess queen before,
08:29which means I get to decide what it means.
08:32Dad, you'll hate this.
08:33You will hate it.
08:35I've known plenty of kings and they've had plenty of sex,
08:37so I doubt I would hate it.
08:39Not the sex, the kinging.
08:40You have to make decisions and run things.
08:42Scott, what's in the docket for today for my father, the king?
08:45Ah, well, there's a property dispute between Ned the shepherd
08:48and Korra the farmer.
08:49Let's give it to Korra.
08:50You're not even gonna ponder it?
08:51Son, I've known plenty of kings,
08:53and you're the only one I've ever seen pondering.
08:56Come to think of it,
08:57you're the only one who didn't have sex either.
08:59You may have been a bad king.
09:00I cannot believe this.
09:02You will regret this.
09:02You will all regret this.
09:04This was basically his whole identity.
09:06It's the kind of situation where a person could really lose it.
09:09Seen it before.
09:10Take away the one thing a guy has and...
09:14You wanna go check on him?
09:16Yeah.
09:16I was just gonna say, let's just, you know...
09:22I apologize for the misunderstanding earlier, Scott,
09:25but when I heard that as king I get a chief of staff,
09:28I assumed that staff was a euphemism for...
09:30Yeah, I'm glad we got that cleared up.
09:33Yoo-hoo again.
09:34What a banger you missed.
09:36What a banger she didn't miss.
09:38What's this I hear about Scrub being king
09:40and you being queen among mortals?
09:43Yes, we're the new royal couple here in Crapopolis.
09:46If you ask nicely, you might be invited to the coronation.
09:49We're having a coronation?
09:50Yes, didn't I tell you?
09:51This is going to be quite an event.
09:53It's the first time a goddess has ever been queen.
09:56It is going to be a huge party.
09:58A little coronation?
09:59A little king and queen party?
10:01How cute!
10:01Gonna have some people there?
10:03Some mortals?
10:03Gonna have a little chair?
10:04A little king chair and a little queen chair?
10:06Some dignitaries or whatever they're called?
10:09Human dignitaries?
10:11Not many dignitaries.
10:13Although Zeus said he'd make it.
10:15What?
10:15He said he wouldn't miss it for the world.
10:17Zeus is coming to your coronation?
10:19Yep.
10:21What does that mean?
10:21Are kings and queens important?
10:23Are you above me now?
10:24This can't be right.
10:24Oh, I wouldn't read too much into it.
10:26Just a coronation with Zeus.
10:28He wasn't at the ball last night, was he?
10:30No one's seen Zeus in years and he's coming here.
10:32You're sure?
10:33Hmm.
10:33Told me himself.
10:34Well, I... I just...
10:36I'm better than you.
10:37Goodbye.
10:38Zeus?
10:39You didn't talk to him, did you?
10:40No, of course not.
10:42Last time you saw Zeus, hadn't he turned himself
10:44into some sort of Ouroboros pleasure loop,
10:47locked forever in a state beyond consciousness?
10:49Yes, he's achieved his ultimate form
10:51and is effectively off the board.
10:53But they don't know that.
10:54All they know is a goddess queen is better than a goddess.
10:58At least in Zeus's eyes.
11:01Ingenious.
11:01You completely flummoxed her.
11:03Oh, if she does what I expect her to do,
11:05I've flummoxed all of them.
11:07Deliria?
11:08Blub?
11:08I hear there's a coronation.
11:10I've come to offer my sincere congratulations
11:13to the king and queen.
11:15Or to demand loyalty from the new king and queen.
11:18I... I... I'm... I'm flummoxed.
11:21I'll be back.
11:22Hmm. I think I like being queen.
11:29Hey, bro. Still drinking? That's fun.
11:32Go ahead and milk me. I have nothing.
11:35Is it time for me to say you've got family?
11:37Sure.
11:38Okay. You've got a family who loves you.
11:41And the timing of this next thing I'm gonna say is horrible,
11:43but we do have to take that crown off we needed for the coronation.
11:46Coronation? They're rubbing it in my face?
11:48What about family?
11:49Ty, we're right here. And we love you.
11:51And you're gonna love not being king.
11:52You're gonna find that the crown was a burden,
11:55so Stoop's gonna take it off now.
11:57Okay?
11:58Sh-sh-sh-sh. You're doing great.
12:00Just a little bit more.
12:01You got this.
12:02Easy.
12:03Got it.
12:05I know it's really just what the crown represents,
12:07not the crown itself,
12:08but I feel naked without that thing.
12:11No! What?
12:13You... actually do look kind of weird without it.
12:16Stoop?
12:16It does!
12:17It's not gonna make him feel better to lie about it.
12:19No, but it just...
12:21We're used to the way we usually see you.
12:23I mean, it's not like you are the crown.
12:26Oh, my God. What if I am the crown?
12:28You might not be anything without the crown.
12:31Stoop!
12:32Except that you're so much more.
12:35You don't look weird.
12:37Here. We can fix this. Look.
12:40See?
12:41I think it looks even better.
12:43Hello, King Tai. I mean, Citizen Tai.
12:47Is that a headband?
12:48Go ahead and make fun of it.
12:49No. I like it.
12:51You could be like an athlete.
12:53Or just a guy with a terrible headband.
12:55Oh, that's funny.
12:58Citizen Tai.
12:59You're funny.
13:00Wait. That wasn't mean or slightly disrespectful.
13:03What's happening?
13:04I don't know.
13:05You're just seamless.
13:06What's the word?
13:08Annoying.
13:08That's it.
13:09He does seem less annoying.
13:11Are you doing something different?
13:12Are you being more relatable?
13:13Not that I'm aware of.
13:14I mean, I'm just a disgraced former king.
13:17That's what it is.
13:19Former.
13:20So the disgrace part doesn't tip the scale either way.
13:25See what's happening?
13:26They like me.
13:27Of course they do.
13:29I'm a man of the people again.
13:30There you go.
13:32Which means I can get that crown back now.
13:34Where are you headed now, though?
13:36I was right about the will of the people, but wrong about the way to secure it.
13:40I think you might be picking up on the wrong lesson here.
13:43Yeah, come on, Tai.
13:44What are you gonna do?
13:45Just have another vote?
13:45And another?
13:46And another?
13:47Let it go.
13:48No.
13:48These people clearly aren't ready for democracy.
13:50What they'll respond to is an old school mandate.
13:53No!
13:54Tai!
13:54I was thinking about this all wrong.
13:56I mean, Theseus, Oedipus, they all did huge kingly gestures.
13:59What are you thinking of doing, Tai?
14:01I don't know yet.
14:02But these people like me.
14:03I've got momentum now.
14:04And by the time that coronation is over, I'll have my mandate.
14:08Wait.
14:08Theseus' huge kingly gesture was killing a monster.
14:11And Oedipus' was killing her dad.
14:14Shrub is both!
14:15Tai!
14:16Wait!
14:19No, no, no.
14:21I wanted it like this.
14:22Do you see?
14:24Now do it again.
14:26Deliria!
14:27Shrub!
14:28I cannot wait for this coronation.
14:30Apollo.
14:31Always lovely to see you.
14:32But I'm afraid the guest list is full.
14:35Full?
14:35You can't do this to me!
14:38Please don't do this to me!
14:40I don't even know if coronations are above us or beneath us, but I demand to be included!
14:44Yeah, I tried anger already.
14:46Yoo-hoo!
14:47Hi, bestie!
14:48I know you plucked my eye out, but I found it hilarious.
14:51Hi, slut!
14:52Crap!
14:52She's going for sex-positive nicknames.
14:54Hi, slut.
14:55I think you're a slut, too.
14:56Did you say Zeus was gonna be around?
14:58I'd love to say hi.
14:59I haven't seen him in a bit.
15:00Oh, no.
15:01Just missed him.
15:02I say this as a friend.
15:04He actually asked if you were coming, and then he said, I just can't deal with her right
15:07now.
15:08No!
15:08Do you see what you did, Athena?
15:10You scared daddy away!
15:13Perfectly played.
15:14Shall we get into position?
15:15What position did you have in mind?
15:17Oh, you mean for the coronation?
15:19Yes.
15:19It's just that you often do doublon tendres.
15:22What are those?
15:22They sound sexy.
15:24They looked everywhere!
15:25No tie!
15:26I got nothing.
15:27Wait.
15:28There!
15:29Tie!
15:31What the hell?
15:33Uh, sorry, Kayleigh.
15:34You look like tie.
15:35Oh, thank you.
15:37It's a cool look.
15:38He made it cool, didn't he?
15:40We talking headbands?
15:44Damn it.
15:45This is gonna be impossible.
15:53Citizens of Krapopolis, King Shlub and Queen Deliria...
15:59Goddess, Queen.
16:00Yes, Goddess, Queen Deliria, have written their own coronation vows.
16:06Good people of Krapopolis, you have chosen me as your king.
16:10And me as your goddess, Queen.
16:12Do you think that gives her new powers?
16:14Good citizens, we promise not to work too hard, because mental health is very important.
16:20We promise to stay true to ourselves, which is mostly drunk and horned up.
16:25And we promise very little else other than food, orgasms, and all the infrastructure and things like that.
16:34Tie's still out there somewhere.
16:36He's not really gonna kill Dad.
16:37Oh, I know he's not, because if it comes to it, I'll kill him first.
16:41And now, the ceremonial items.
16:44The royal roll, the golden scepter, the other golden scepter.
16:50He gets two scepters?
16:52One's just ceremonial.
16:53What's the other one for?
16:55I guess they're both ceremonial.
16:57And now, the crown.
16:59Halt!
17:00That crown is rightfully mine.
17:03No!
17:10Let the record show that the audacious Tyrannus valiantly swooped in and stole the crown from his own father.
17:17Wait, you weren't trying to kill him just then?
17:20No.
17:20I was stealing the crown from my own father.
17:23And by doing this huge, noteworthy stunt, I have my mandate.
17:26Do you, though?
17:27Yes.
17:28I'm your rightful king.
17:29You would be if you had killed him.
17:31Mm-mm-mm-mm.
17:32Yeah, slit his throat.
17:33That's one way you could do it.
17:35Mm-mm-mm.
17:36All right.
17:37You go, girl.
17:37How about the fact that I started this city?
17:40The fact that I came up with the whole idea?
17:41I shouldn't have even needed to string a zip line and make Scott practice it with me for most of
17:45the night.
17:46You should have voted for me because I gave you everything.
17:48Yeah, but he kept the bars open.
17:51Too bad I'm your king.
17:52No, we don't acknowledge that.
17:54You will.
17:55Scott?
17:56I guess I probably need to go with him.
18:00We don't acknowledge that.
18:01What the hell is wrong with them?
18:02I stole the crown.
18:04Maybe they're just not ready for your greatness.
18:06Thank God you see it.
18:07Thank you for coming with me, Scott.
18:08Happy to follow you.
18:10Especially because your mom planned the coronation to end in a fight to the death between me and an ostrich.
18:16Oh, that would have been cool.
18:17But no matter.
18:18I've got the crown and the legends are going to start building.
18:21These things always take a bit to build.
18:24You know what?
18:25I don't have time to wait for that.
18:26We build a fire.
18:27A massive fire.
18:28That's hostage a volcano.
18:29Then I, wearing some sort of protective suit, emerge from the fire unscathed.
18:33We'll have to figure that part out.
18:35That's a rock-solid plan!
18:37Of course it is!
18:38I wanna be king!
18:39No, I wanna be king!
18:41You can't be king!
18:42I'm bigger than you!
18:43Anyone can be king if the people vote for them!
18:46Then violence is wrong.
18:48I lay down my sword.
18:50You there.
18:51What's your name?
18:51The Future.
18:53I'm sorry, what?
18:53My name is The Future and his name is the wisdom of children.
18:58Are you kidding me right now?
18:59Our parents are in a cult.
19:00Well, your names are perfect because you just showed me exactly what I needed to see.
19:05Scott, forget the fire stand.
19:06Yeah, it was a tall order.
19:08My legacy is guaranteed.
19:10I'm the guy who gave people hope and everyone will remember me for that.
19:13You all remember me, right?
19:15What's my name?
19:16I wanna say, Marb?
19:19It's Tyrannus, and I know what I have to do.
19:21Cut it out, eugenics!
19:24And with that, I relinquish my throne.
19:26And to my father, the rightful, popularly selected king, I return the crown.
19:31Thanks, but that's not necessary.
19:33No, Dad.
19:34I insist.
19:35It's not necessary because I've already had another better crown made.
19:39Did you really think I'd let your father have one so dinky?
19:42I don't know if it's dinky.
19:43Do you want to do the honors?
19:45Whoa, that's heavy.
19:46Yes.
19:47It's pure gold.
19:50Mine had a little gold in it too, I think, before it scraped off.
19:53You need a calming belly rub, bro.
19:56Yes, please, if you wouldn't mind.
20:03Some of us don't even think Zeus was here.
20:06Oh?
20:07But the rest of us are on the fence?
20:11Just know this, Deliria.
20:12We're watching you.
20:13Good.
20:14Glad to have your full attention.
20:15You know what, bro?
20:16For what it's worth, you did finally create something for this city that actually worked.
20:21As an inventor, I'm impressed.
20:22Thanks.
20:23I may not know who I am if I'm not king, but it means a great deal to have my
20:27family by my side.
20:28Yeah.
20:29Sorry we almost killed you because we thought you were gonna kill dad.
20:32You, what was it now?
20:37I'll stop it before it hurts you.
20:39Just doing some tests on fear.
20:41Are you scared?
20:43Torturing squirrels again, bro.
20:45It's not torture if you have a control group.
20:47You're next.
20:49You know, I feel like I get you a lot better now.
20:52Oh yeah?
20:52How's that?
20:53Cause I've been spending a lot of time with this little guy.
20:56Hippo too?
20:57Yeah.
20:58He's really helped me understand your whole thing.
21:00Oh, has he?
21:01Yeah.
21:01You two are so much alike.
21:07Uh-huh.
21:08I thought I destroyed that thing.
21:09They're really tough to kill.
21:11Wait a minute.
21:11They?
21:12Yeah.
21:12They've been making more at each other.
21:14They've been doing what?
21:18Oops.
21:20Ugh.
21:21One to ten!
21:22How scared do you feel?
21:24Ow!
21:24Brrrr!
21:25Ah!
21:26Ah!
21:27Two fish peas in a bowl pot.
21:31Did you get any of that?
21:34Bento.
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