- 7 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Ready, and yikes!
00:04Keep pulling, and try not to smush my sensitive bits in the window frame.
00:08But don't try too hard.
00:10Vissera!
00:10Dad, what are you doing here?
00:12I'd ask you the same thing, but it's clear from context clues
00:14you're pulling schlub out of a molasses shop.
00:17I came as soon as I heard about Blood Mouth.
00:19Your boyfriend? What happened to him?
00:21Oh, I forgot to mention, he died.
00:23He what?
00:23He turned into soup.
00:25But didn't you like him?
00:27I did. What are you gonna do?
00:28Oh my God, the cultural differences.
00:31Well, you're not gonna have to worry about those much longer.
00:33I'm ending my daughter's exile and bringing her home.
00:36You can't just bring me home.
00:37I make my own decisions.
00:39I know, I know. So I've made it an easy one.
00:41This is Blood Mouth's brother. Blood Mouth brother.
00:44Tricky naming system, but I think I'm starting to decode it.
00:47Blood Mouth brother is more physically desirable than Blood Mouth.
00:50He'll give you many ears and nearly as many orgasms.
00:54I'm listening.
00:55What? But what about us?
00:56What do you mean, us?
00:57How will they, won't they?
00:59Will they what?
01:00Yeah, huh?
01:00You know, when two people are clearly falling in love,
01:03but a drawn-out series of obstacles and misunderstandings
01:05keep them from entering a romantic relationship.
01:07Oh, we call that a can-he-should-he.
01:11Wait, so you're saying this whole time you were having feelings for me?
01:15Yes. I guess you weren't.
01:18I assumed you weren't.
01:19How? I mean, was it not obvious?
01:21You never gave me a severed hand.
01:23Oh, my God. The cultural differences.
01:27Okay, so, well, how do you resolve a will-they-won't-they?
01:33Typically, there's an argument or something where they're yelling at each other,
01:36and the man says, I love you, damn it, and then they kiss.
01:39So do it, you moron.
01:41I love you, damn it.
01:43So I put on my fancy skull for nothing?
01:46Is there tongue? I'm not hearing any tongue.
01:48Mm-hmm.
02:15Wow.
02:16He can and he did.
02:17I'm sorry about when the starfish got stuck to my butt.
02:21I still have to seal some entry points in the boat.
02:23Ty, shush. It was great.
02:25So, with the will-they-won't-they, you know,
02:29we've had the confessions of love, the kiss, the sex.
02:32I like that part.
02:33What comes next?
02:34Well, the rest of our lives.
02:37Wow.
02:37No, I mean, not that necessarily.
02:40If that's not what you want, I can adjust.
02:42I'm much more flexible emotionally than I am physically.
02:46No, I was just taken aback.
02:48Twice in one morning.
02:49You idiot.
02:51Seriously, though.
02:51We probably owe ourselves a bit of a bigger conversation
02:54for a topic like the rest of our lives.
02:56Absolutely.
02:57But before we dive into that, do you think we could possibly...
03:00You want to go ring the sex bell?
03:01It's not going to ring itself.
03:02That's the masturbation bell.
03:11Hooray!
03:12Somebody's ringing the sex bell!
03:15Yep.
03:15Got the girl, so to speak.
03:17Very proud of you, son.
03:18Story concluded.
03:20I think maybe story just getting started.
03:23Right, but also, meanwhile, got the girl.
03:27A message for the king.
03:29Yes, what is it?
03:30Just a second.
03:31I ran all day to get here.
03:33This is a personal best.
03:34Oh, you're that messenger who's obnoxious about running.
03:37Hey, I discovered something I love.
03:38It's obnoxious to talk about it?
03:40Just deliver the message.
03:42Timothy the Incredible and his ships are en route to Crapopolis.
03:45Oh, no.
03:45Dad, this is bad.
03:47Timothy the Incredible is a conqueror.
03:49So what if he likes other men to watch him with their wives?
03:52Who are we to judge?
03:53Not that kind!
03:54Do you feel it opening your paws?
03:57Getting my gills, too.
03:59Deliria!
04:00Oh, hello, frenemies.
04:02To what don't I owe the displeasure?
04:04Oh, hold on.
04:05Let me try that again.
04:06You claim to have been hanging out with our dad, Zeus.
04:10Claim?
04:11I'm a goddess queen.
04:12Of course the king of the gods is my friend.
04:14Right.
04:14That's the part we're not sure is totally real.
04:17Of course it is.
04:18He and I just went to a music festival together.
04:21Hm.
04:21What kind of acts did you hear?
04:23None of them, really.
04:24We were there to kill and maim musicians who took themselves too seriously.
04:28Hm.
04:28That does sound like dad.
04:30Enough!
04:31We haven't seen Zeus in years.
04:33If you're really hanging out with him, bring him to us.
04:36And if you could, a covered dish.
04:38Just figured we'd make a thing of it.
04:40And if you failed to produce him, we'll be forced to render the punishment for lying to gods.
04:46Strong god exit!
04:50Also, a main would be great, because right now we have enough people on dessert and salad.
04:54So, what was that about?
04:56With Zeus?
04:57There's something I should tell you.
05:01That's all right.
05:02I don't want the water.
05:04Yeah, I don't want the water.
05:06Wait, Stu.
05:07We've got this right?
05:08Got this?
05:09Our military's no match for that.
05:10Look at their boats!
05:11They stay up in water.
05:14Well, I can see how that would be an advantage, but, so what?
05:16You're the best.
05:17You're not going to let Kyropopolis get conquered.
05:19Maybe at my peak I wouldn't going to let them, but I don't know how to tell you this.
05:24I'm stretched in.
05:25I had to get a second job.
05:27What? Why?
05:28Because of Dad.
05:30As king, you weren't very sexy.
05:33Is this relevant?
05:34Very. Under Dad's much, much sexier rule,
05:37the city had a baby boom.
05:39So this is gonna be like a whole story.
05:41Dad's reign created endless babies
05:44and endless demand for baby food.
05:46I was caught in constant trade wars
05:49for bananas, peas, peaches, all the num-nums.
05:52When was this? Did you say what was the time frame?
05:55I realized the only way to end the bloodshed
05:57was to plant our own easily-gummed crops.
06:01So I did.
06:02Each morning I rise before dawn to plant.
06:05Each night I dream of war.
06:08I'm a soldier and a farmer now, Ty.
06:11You could have just said that.
06:16Are they moving very slow,
06:17or is our harbor deceptively huge?
06:20This is Zeus?
06:22Yes, he's in somewhat of a vegetative state.
06:24Is that part of him in the form of...
06:26A giraffe, yes.
06:27And he's...
06:27For all infinity, yes.
06:29It seems self-explanatory to me.
06:31Well, I guess if you have infinite power,
06:33you keep looking for bigger thrills.
06:34Okay, so Zeus is taking care of himself,
06:37and you told the other gods he was hanging out with you
06:39so you could lord your status over them.
06:42Incredible power grab, by the way.
06:43Love it.
06:44Thank you, but you see the problem.
06:46If they see him like this,
06:47they'll know they've been smooching my butt under false pretenses.
06:50But what if they don't see him like this?
06:53You know I can make copies of people, right?
06:55What, you mean those lumbering, murderous Hippo 2s?
06:58Well, the latest update has some great performance of bug fixes,
07:01like they won't rise up and murder everybody anymore nearly as often,
07:04and I added a kill switch that makes him explode.
07:07You're telling me that you might be able to make a copy of Zeus?
07:10Sure.
07:10And once they see Zeus 2 and believe you two are best friends,
07:13you can go back to making those suckers do whatever you want.
07:17Hippo, you're a lifesaver.
07:19Uh, I mean ratio-wise, I'm much more of a life-taker,
07:22but I'll accept the compliment.
07:27I guess we could have, uh, gone back to the palace,
07:30gotten a few things done.
07:34You know what?
07:35It's probably going to be the thing where you go to the bathroom
07:37and that's when the food arrives.
07:39I better stay.
07:40So are we fighting these guys to the death or just surrendering?
07:43Neither would be the plan, at least.
07:45Dad, I'm counting on you to sweet talk your way out of this invasion.
07:48I don't like the term invasion.
07:50I prefer self-driven welcome.
07:57King Schlub, it's an honor.
07:59What a beautiful city you have here.
08:01I'm Tim.
08:02A the.
08:03The Incredible.
08:05So we gathered.
08:06Tyrannus and Stupendous, I assume?
08:08And the lovely second-in-command Viserra?
08:11I like to do my research.
08:12The better to plunder and pillage.
08:14Okay, I get it.
08:15You're all worried about the Conqueror thing.
08:17And I used to be a real slash-and-burn guy
08:20until I did some conquering in the East
08:22and discovered meditation.
08:24Meditation?
08:24I sit on a pillow for 20 minutes a day,
08:27six times a day,
08:28and it makes me calmer and better
08:29than everyone else.
08:31So instead of choosing violence,
08:33I choose to make you a deal.
08:36This is what Crapopolis currently looks like.
08:38Okay, so let's hope.
08:39And here's what it could look like.
08:42Oh!
08:43You see what I like?
08:45I'm a ventricular.
08:45What are you oohing and aahing about?
08:47They're just rectangles.
08:48Nicer rectangles than we have.
08:50You join my empire,
08:52and I bring your city into the future.
08:55How do public bathrooms sound to you?
08:57We already have public bathrooms.
08:59Yeah, those mostly get used for sex.
09:01We'll also have public sex rooms.
09:03The Tempire allows us to take
09:05the best of every city we conquer
09:07and bring it to the new ones,
09:09creating a homogenous city user experience.
09:12Sounds pretty great to me.
09:14Are you kidding?
09:15Don't fall for this.
09:16This is a complete invasion.
09:17We can't let him do this to our city.
09:19Do what?
09:19Improve it?
09:20We'd be giving up everything we'd work for.
09:22Hey, why are you standing looking at us?
09:24You're not even king anymore.
09:25You've got to stand here now.
09:27Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim!
09:28No, don't do this.
09:29So when you stand here up,
09:31you say the same thing.
09:33Dad, you're not going to let this happen, are you?
09:35Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim!
09:40Well, well, well.
09:42Look who's here.
09:43And I don't see Zeus.
09:45And I don't see a covered dish.
09:47Relax. You know Big Zeus.
09:50Always has to make an entrance.
09:51He'll be here.
09:52He'd better be.
09:53Unless the whole goddess queen,
09:55best friends with Zeus thing
09:56is some kind of ruse.
09:58Ruse?
09:58Zeus and I are best friends.
10:00He and I just went to a paint-your-own pottery class.
10:03Really?
10:04And what did you and Zeus make?
10:06I made a spoon rest.
10:07He killed everyone there and impregnated the kiln.
10:10Yeah, that does sound like Dad.
10:11Hey, everybody.
10:12Sorry I'm late.
10:13I was just picking up
10:14the king of all gods!
10:18Oh, my good God.
10:21Ho, ho, ho!
10:23Ho, ho, ho.
10:29Ho, ho, ho.
10:29You seem different.
10:31Oh, yeah.
10:32He looks like Dad, but...
10:37Ho, ho, ho!
10:40More ham!
10:41This is why we need an accurate headcount.
10:43I knew I didn't buy enough ham!
10:46So shall we get down to bronze tax?
10:48Let's talk about this merger.
10:50You mean surrender?
10:51Hey, man.
10:52All I want is for everybody to come into the future with me.
10:55And in return, all I get is control of a vast empire.
10:59It's a win-win.
11:00It's not a win-win.
11:01It's a lose-win.
11:02Ty, you seem like a great guy,
11:04but I'm talking to the king right now.
11:06Schlub, I hear you like being a do-nothing, screw-around king.
11:10Not in that order.
11:11Well, that's the beauty of this.
11:13You can keep doing that.
11:15Be a figurehead.
11:17There's jobs for everybody in the tempire.
11:19Stoop, what do you want?
11:21I always need generals for my super army.
11:23Wow.
11:23That sounds like one job instead of two.
11:26I'm also a farmer.
11:27Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:27That's been covered.
11:28Viserra, there'd be a place for you to help build civilizations.
11:32Uh, pretty sure she's gonna stay put.
11:33We've just started a relationship.
11:35I got the girl.
11:36I mean, I know we still have to have a talk,
11:38but, you know, you really came at an inopportune time.
11:41All right, well, sleep on it.
11:42I'll be on my boat.
11:44Have you all lost your minds?
11:45Dad, you realize joining the tempire
11:47means you'd give up all control of the city as king?
11:50Being king has been a lot of work.
11:52Exactly what part of it has been a lot of work?
11:54The work part.
11:55Not to mention the ongoing problem
11:57with people cacking on the floor of the sex rooms.
12:00They're bathrooms.
12:01And that's you who's been doing it on the floor.
12:03And doing it on the floor.
12:06Well, it seems like I'm the only one still holding on here.
12:10Maybe what I've been holding on to is already gone.
12:12I guess when I started this city,
12:14in a way, all I was really looking for was...
12:16This isn't gonna be a whole story, is it?
12:19See? See how that feels?
12:23This thing is behaving nothing like the real Zeus.
12:26How did you get this so wrong?
12:28I had to use whatever source material was available.
12:31What source material was available?
12:33Meow!
12:33Ow!
12:34Oh.
12:35That's it.
12:36Something's wrong with Dad.
12:37Nobody leaves until we find out why he's not being scary
12:40or zotting everybody with lightning.
12:42I'm back.
12:43I brought more ham.
12:49Kill switch was in my pocket.
12:50I gathered that.
12:52Excuse me, what are those markings on the buildings?
12:55These are the things we're getting rid of.
12:57It looks like everything.
12:59Huh.
13:00I mean, why not put the marks on the stuff
13:01you're not getting rid of?
13:02Oh, boy.
13:03Guys, we're starting over!
13:08So, you're really okay with this?
13:10Yes, I am.
13:12It's time for something new.
13:13About that.
13:15There's something else.
13:16I think I want to go with him, too.
13:18It just sounds so juicy, you know?
13:21Traveling the world, bringing civilization to everyone.
13:25It does sound juicy, as you put it, but I got the girl.
13:29Well, the girl got a job.
13:31Sorry, I guess maybe that's enough of the got the girl stuff, Matt.
13:34No, you know what?
13:35I'm going to triple down on it.
13:36I'm pretty sure this is a situation where the more you hear it,
13:39the more it's going to start sounding good.
13:41Yeah, I don't think so.
13:42But I wanted to say you're welcome to come with me,
13:45if you're really able to leave Crappopolis behind.
13:48Are you kidding?
13:49It's not even my city anymore.
13:51I mean, if you'll have me, I would love to travel the world with you
13:53and maybe find a job for myself in the Timpire.
13:56Really?
13:57Ty!
14:01Could you give me just one minute to save my farewells?
14:03Of course.
14:04Take your time.
14:06Well, goodbye, Crappop.
14:10No, can't do it.
14:12No goodbyes, I'll just process it in retrospect.
14:15Oh, no.
14:16I've made a huge mess.
14:18Ew!
14:19Who did this in the sex room?
14:21Two messes.
14:23Three!
14:27Ty, I am so glad to hear you and Viserra will be joining my crew.
14:32No, I'm glad.
14:33And sorry again for interrupting when you were meditating.
14:35See, no, you don't understand.
14:36Being seen meditating is actually the best part of meditating.
14:40That and the peace.
14:42Isn't it just sitting?
14:44Yeah, and I did 22 full minutes of it.
14:46You can do anything to me right now.
14:48I won't care.
14:49Dad!
14:51We caught him drilling into the side of the ship with a wine opener.
14:55I think he was trying really inefficiently to make a hole.
14:58It's called sabotage.
14:59But, Dad, why?
15:00You already agreed to give Tim the city.
15:02But I saw how much it means to you.
15:03This city is your identity.
15:05It's called bittersweet.
15:07How am I supposed to know the difference between one sad face and another?
15:10Don't you see?
15:11I got the girl.
15:12It's time to move on.
15:13That is so beautiful, my son.
15:14Is this the part where I say go to her?
15:17Yes.
15:18Go to her.
15:18I'm sorry for the business with the corkscrew.
15:20But you get it.
15:21Fatherly love.
15:22Yeah, and I think it's super sweet.
15:25And you know what?
15:25You put a little hole in my boat, I can overlook that.
15:31Now, did you set the ship on fire?
15:33Oh, yes.
15:33I forgot.
15:34I set all Tim's ships on fire.
15:36I wasn't 100% on the corkscrew plan.
15:39Okay, now I am upset.
15:41This is my whole armada.
15:42Doesn't sit right.
15:43I'm going to have to retaliate.
15:45Maybe devote my life to your destruction.
15:46I mean, I'm at peace with myself, but I'm not going to be a doormat.
15:50I am really very, very mad.
15:52See, you still don't sound mad.
15:55Okay, we seriously have to start meditating.
15:58He exploded?
15:59Yeah, does that mean he's dead?
16:01Does that mean we can explode too?
16:03Okay, so I know this looks bad, but...
16:05God, I'm going to get sent to Tartarus and get some sort of stupid ironic punishment, aren't I?
16:10Which is ironic, because I hate irony the most.
16:12Well, I don't know if we can explode or not, but one thing I do know is Dad is gone.
16:21Okay, unexpected twist.
16:23Hold on, you're happy.
16:24Sorry, darling.
16:26I know he was your friend, but I don't think anyone here isn't relieved that he's a pile of meat
16:31now.
16:32I can't believe we're about to get away with this.
16:35What?
16:36She didn't.
16:37Get away with this?
16:39Now that the king of all the gods is dead.
16:41All bets are off, bitch.
16:43What are you going to do?
16:44I think the question is, what are we not going to do?
16:52Should we?
16:54Yes, they're going to be laughing for a while, I think.
16:56Great news, everybody.
16:57The city is saved.
16:59From what?
17:00Large-scale infrastructural improvements?
17:02We won't be joining Timothy the Incredible.
17:04Crepopolis will be free.
17:06Of what?
17:07Large-scale infrastructural improvements?
17:10Yeah, okay, Kayleigh.
17:10We heard you the first time.
17:11You scuttled the deal?
17:13No, I scuttled the deal.
17:15No, I scuttled the deal.
17:17Scott, we're not doing that bit.
17:18The deal is scuttled, okay?
17:19Let's just say that.
17:20But we wanted to join Tim.
17:22He's so rich and calm from being so rich.
17:26When we thought we were getting new buildings,
17:28we got super drunk and trashed the old ones.
17:31Yeah, we messed this place up good.
17:33And we'll fix it, right, Dad?
17:35I couldn't possibly care any less.
17:38Uh, why are we hugging?
17:41Oh, God, you scuttled the deal.
17:44Okay, before you get mad,
17:45gods definitely believe that was Zeus back there.
17:48Until he exploded and the gods vowed to take vengeance upon us.
17:51But we can survive that, right?
17:53Oh, absolutely not.
17:54We are completely screwed.
17:56That's why I brought us the biggest weapon imaginable.
17:59Is that?
17:59The comatose body of the real Zeus.
18:02Yes.
18:02I stole it while those three idiots
18:04were busy breakdancing about his death.
18:06I ungiraffed him because I wasn't about
18:07to carry that whole monstrosity.
18:09Ugh, look how chapped his lips are.
18:12So we're just gonna keep him here
18:14and then it's gonna work out well for us?
18:16Oh, stop poking holes.
18:17We own Zeus now.
18:19Owning Zeus sounds like a good thing.
18:21That's as far as I got with it.
18:22Sounds like a plan.
18:24Barely.
18:25I know you were excited about setting off with Tim, but...
18:28Ty, I'm still going with Tim.
18:30What?
18:31He still wants me because I'm not the one
18:33who burned his armada and stuff.
18:35Oh, ah, and I guess obviously I'm not still invited, so...
18:40I'm sorry, Ty.
18:42I have to make my mark.
18:43Just like you did with this city.
18:46Tell me, does it ever happen in a will-they-won't-they
18:49that it seems like they won't
18:50but then somehow, someday, they actually do?
18:54I sure hope so.
18:56I mean, yes, that basically always happens
18:57in will-they-won't-they's.
18:58Hey, Timothy wants to conquer you guys.
19:01Maybe I'll invade you.
19:02Maybe I'll let you.
19:03Heard it.
19:04Rescinded.
19:06You're stupid.
19:10Okay, so I just want to make sure
19:11how utterly and thoroughly screwed we are.
19:14Me too.
19:15It affects how much dessert I get to eat.
19:17So we've got a promised invasion
19:18by Timothy the Incredible,
19:20a seemingly very likely revenge war from the gods.
19:22Is that right?
19:23Guaranteed.
19:24I'd say guaranteed.
19:25I love the girl.
19:26And is there anything else?
19:28Hippocampus, did you know
19:29you've got Zeus in your lap?
19:31It seems he's quite upset.
19:36Deliria, you took away
19:37the most important thing in my life.
19:39What?
19:40Putting yourself in a coma so you can...
19:42Yes!
19:43So now I take away
19:44the most important thing in yours.
19:45Quick!
19:46Tell him the most important thing
19:47in your life is that spoon.
19:50Could have worked.
19:52Ah!
19:55Woo-wee!
19:56Flip my flippers
19:57and call me Willie.
19:58Because that was a pack of
19:59smickle smack
20:00if I ever saw one.
20:02Did you see that?
20:03Let's go back.
20:05Did Schlub get killed?
20:07It looks like Schlub got killed.
20:09I mean, he can't be killed.
20:10Oh, could he?
20:12Never do know with this program.
20:14After all,
20:15Ty was king two seasons,
20:16then they swapped in Schlub.
20:18I thought he'd be back
20:19in the throne
20:19before Bob's Burgers,
20:21but they followed
20:21right the heck on through.
20:23Like me following you
20:24right on through
20:24into your bedroom
20:25without you knowing
20:26when you're done
20:27watching this episode.
20:28Hee-hee-hee!
20:29I won't do that,
20:30as far as you'll ever know.
20:32Either way,
20:32these crappy kids
20:33got more cliffhangers
20:34than a Lithgow,
20:35Rooker, Stallone
20:36Hall of Mirrors
20:37in 1993.
20:38They got that
20:39tempire-vowing revenge,
20:41Viserra off to join them,
20:43God's all mad at Deliria,
20:44though they still think
20:45Zeus blew up,
20:46so that could throw
20:47a mess of frogs
20:47in their watermill gears.
20:49Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!
20:50And speaking of Zeus,
20:51what do we think?
20:52He's not just gonna go away
20:53now that he woke up
20:55all angry and killed Schlub.
20:57That's what he did do,
20:58kill Schlub.
20:59Is that what he did?
21:00Did he kill Schlub?
21:01To find out,
21:03we're just gonna have to
21:03wait till season four.
21:05Or was it five?
21:06I lost track.
21:07Think they renewed it
21:08till season 12.
21:09That make you mad?
21:10You can tell me all about it
21:13inside the coffin
21:13you're gonna wake up in.
21:15Gonna be pitch black in there,
21:17but you can count on me
21:18being there with you,
21:19all ears and ready to listen
21:21till your oxygen runs out.
21:23Hee-hee-hee!
21:24Well, I'm your crazy narrator, man,
21:27and I'll be reading
21:28what you put on the Reddits,
21:29so be nice now.
21:31Did you get any of that?
21:35It's the 10th bullet.
21:37I'm sure you put on the Reds.
21:37Yeah.
21:37You didn't
Comments