- 7 hours ago
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00:01Good morning, Scott.
00:03Wait a moment. You're not Scott.
00:05Scott had urgent business.
00:07Promised me ten clams to cover for him.
00:09All right, then. On with it.
00:11What's on the agenda for today?
00:12What boring responsibilities must I shoulder?
00:15Whatever you want. You're the king.
00:17Whatever I want, you say?
00:18I get the same amount of clams either way.
00:20Ah, I like you, new Scott.
00:23I hereby announce King Schlob's never-ending wine hummus and pitta festival.
00:27All you can eat and drink now and always.
00:31Not to toot my own horn, but I am great at this king thing.
00:35In fact, you know what? I think I will toot my own horn.
00:39Sir, before you go after your horn again, there's a problem.
00:42We're already out of hummus.
00:44Ah, there's always more chip than dip.
00:46Well, not to worry.
00:48Announcing King Schlob's forever unlimited wine and pitta party.
00:53And we're out of pitta.
00:54King Schlob's super, very bottomless wine jamboree.
00:59Yay!
01:00And we're out of wine.
01:02In fact, nobody's done anything but drink for weeks.
01:04So the whole city's out of food and overrun by rats!
01:11No!
01:12Who could have seen this coming, new Scott?
01:14What do we do?
01:15I'd tell you, but you're also out of clams, so I'm off the clock.
01:46And maybe the swamp gas had gone to my head, but by the end of the date, I was walking
01:50on my head.
01:50I think she was really into me.
01:52How could you tell?
01:53Don't bog women communicate in language consisting of grunts and shoves?
01:57Oh, there was grunting and shoving all right.
01:59Actually, she may have been trying to get me to go away.
02:01It has been a few weeks since I heard from her.
02:03No, no, there was chemistry.
02:05Maybe it's bog custom to wait a bit when you really like someone.
02:07That must be it.
02:09Say, what's the word for when a city has completely run out of food?
02:13Famine.
02:14Famine, yes.
02:15And what's the procedure for handling that situation when it comes up?
02:19Purely hypothetical.
02:20Is it hypothetical, or are we dealing with a famine right now?
02:23Is that why you came for breakfast?
02:25I can't say I know for sure what hypothetical means, but to the other two questions, yes.
02:31Look, I'm sure as king you dealt with this scenario hundreds of times.
02:35What did you do?
02:35Never did deal with this, actually, because I was responsible.
02:38Yeah, and look where that got you.
02:40Unable to offer simple advice to your own dad.
02:43Listen, what do you say to coming back to the palace in a new role as your dear old dad's
02:48chief of staff and bailing me out like old times?
02:51Dad, I love you, and because of that, I'm drawing a healthy boundary for us both.
02:55You and your boundaries.
02:56Totally fine to kiss on the cheek, but not on the neck.
03:00Arbitrary, procrastinant, and impossible to keep track of.
03:03Well, if you're not going to help me with the famine while I've still got you,
03:06what do we do when the city is overrun by rats?
03:09When?
03:10Strictly hypothetical.
03:15Man, that's the problem with eating a bowl of barnacles.
03:18As soon as you're done, you just want another bowl of barnacles.
03:22Column.
03:23Column.
03:23Column.
03:24Column.
03:25A real column would never say that.
03:28Skye!
03:29I'm not supposed to talk to you, otherwise someone will rip off my scalp and wear it like a hat.
03:34Hold up!
03:35That sounds like my mom.
03:36Tell me what this is about, or I start crunching bones.
03:39Ah!
03:40Your mom's in Napa's!
03:41For the Goddess Hera's exclusive girls weekend!
03:44Blech!
03:46Why wasn't I invited?
03:47You were!
03:49Why would mom hide my invitation?
03:51Is she ashamed of me?
03:53To put it gently?
03:55Yes.
03:55You're not exactly the Napa's crowd.
03:58So I have one eye and I'm built like a big hunky square.
04:01So I'm a little unpleasant to sit across from while you're eating.
04:05So the inside of my breastplate's got a smell that can make your eyes water.
04:08So I don't have any interest in a girls weekend.
04:11But I'm still her daughter.
04:13Maybe I'll just accept Hera's invitation.
04:16Why?
04:17You hate this kind of pretentious event.
04:19Yeah, but not as much as I hate mom thinking I can't fit in at one.
04:22Wanna be my plus one?
04:23Ugh.
04:24Wish I could, but I'm sort of busy.
04:26Training the rats from the rat infestation to do your bidding using rat sex as a reward?
04:31I know you pretty well by now.
04:32The rules are simple.
04:34If the rats show any sign of intelligence, they get to mate.
04:37The babies are getting smarter and smarter every day.
04:39How smart do you want the rats to get?
04:41Just enough to fetch me a cocktail.
04:43Carlos, Elliot, cocktail!
04:46Cock-tail!
04:56What the? Elliot!
04:58This is a gin and tonic.
05:00A cocktail has three or more ingredients!
05:04We'll get there.
05:08Goddess Queen Deliria!
05:12Hera, delighted to see you.
05:14Mwah!
05:15We're stupendous.
05:17The demigod princess.
05:19She couldn't make it.
05:20Kicked in the head by a mule.
05:22Shame.
05:22But she knows better than to stand that close to the back of a mule.
05:26Giant earrings.
05:27Giant hat.
05:28Giant shadow glass eye blockers that you can see through but other people can't,
05:31so they're not sure where you're looking but also you're not sure how invisible your eyes actually are,
05:36so everyone's deliciously just a little on edge.
05:39Don't mind if I do.
05:40Oh, I am so glad you're here.
05:42I've been dying to talk to you more about your whole goddess queen thing.
05:46Because, as you know, I'm queen of the gods.
05:50Sort of.
05:50So it's exciting to have someone on my level.
05:52Or closer to it at any rate.
05:55Now, I did hear you say something in there, but of course I was in the middle of a sentence,
05:58so it wasn't my job to stop and listen.
06:00Or was it somehow, now that you're a goddess queen?
06:04It was, actually.
06:05Okay, see, so interesting.
06:07That is why we have to talk.
06:09Because that sounds very wrong to me.
06:12Does it?
06:13I can't wait to hear more about how this is meant to work.
06:16With the status and hierarchy and whatnot.
06:19Queen goddess, goddess queen.
06:22Oh, well, we certainly both outrank these two.
06:24Oh, Boetus, Ega.
06:26You remember Deliria.
06:28Still trying to pretend her regular goddess daughter isn't part goat.
06:35That was a yawn.
06:36She's just a little tired from the trip.
06:39Um, did somebody order a Cyclops prostitute?
06:42Hello, Mother.
06:43Ashamed to see me.
06:44Hey, you made it!
06:47Del said you got kicked in the head by a mule?
06:49Oh, did Del?
06:51That was like six years ago.
06:53Also, four years ago.
06:54Point is, I'm fine now.
06:56Great!
06:57Take some earrings!
06:58Your ears aren't even pierced.
07:00What are you doing?
07:01Feeding?
07:03In!
07:07Tyrannus, I fixed the famine.
07:08Really, Dad?
07:09How did you do it?
07:10I ate two birds with one gulp and solved your love life as well.
07:13I had a chap with my old friend, Askil.
07:15The Cannibal King.
07:17Wait, and this was to solve our food crisis?
07:19It's not what you're thinking.
07:20Turns out he has a daughter, Viserra, and she's ready to be married off and produce heirs.
07:25Dad, tell me you haven't traded me for grain.
07:27Not at all!
07:28I've simply promised you in marriage to the princess as a trade.
07:32For grain!
07:33Unbelievable.
07:33I don't know if you know this, but that bog woman is not going to call.
07:37Where are you going?
07:38I'm still waiting for my kudos.
07:40We're going to Calassus, because all you've succeeded in is getting me to do your job.
07:45And now, I'm taking time out of my busy day to go to Calassus to fix this.
07:48When you say busy day, you mean?
07:50I was mopping.
07:51Not if you don't change the water, you're not.
07:53You're just pushing the dirt around.
07:59Calassian fried children!
08:01It's finger-lickin', finger-lickin'!
08:03Try our family bucket, which includes one whole family!
08:06Chick-fil-A!
08:08Chick as in the mildly derogatory term for women, and fillet for the method of cutting them up.
08:12Five guys!
08:14Four guys!
08:16And you were worried about the cannibalism?
08:18It's a delight!
08:19I just have to figure out a way to get out of this marriage without ruining our trade relationship with
08:23Askil.
08:24Shouldn't you at least meet the princess first? You might like her.
08:26The cannibal princess.
08:28So she eats people.
08:29We all have our quirks.
08:31Askil, my old friend!
08:32Schlub!
08:33Welcome back!
08:34Prince Tyrannus!
08:35Good to meet you.
08:36We've met many times.
08:37Have we?
08:38I don't remember that.
08:39Schlub, you assured me that he had generous birthing hips.
08:42I suppose I see his hips with the father's eyes.
08:45Well, tonight, Tyrannus will meet Viserra.
08:47And if she accepts him, they'll be wed at once.
08:50Hold on.
08:51If she accepts me?
08:52I assumed this was all set in stone.
08:54We're cannibals, not mustables.
08:56We don't marry people off without their consent.
08:58Interesting.
08:59She's got to want to marry me.
09:01And, of course, if the wedding falls through, she'll be exiled.
09:04From here?
09:05That doesn't sound so terrible.
09:07All I need to do to get out of this marriage is to make exile seem more appealing than being
09:11with me.
09:12Are you sure about this, Ty?
09:14I've never been more prepared for anything in my life.
09:18Stupendous, you shouldn't be here.
09:19Why?
09:20You don't think I'm good enough?
09:21Don't think I can pull off a floppy hat?
09:23She only invited us because I'm a goddess queen, which is a whole other kind of special status of God.
09:30No, it isn't.
09:31You made that up.
09:32Yes, but that's the point.
09:34They don't know that.
09:35I've got them in a wonderful panic about it.
09:38But it's a very delicate balance, and they would love to uncover the lie.
09:42Wait.
09:43You don't think I could keep a secret?
09:44Come on, Mom.
09:45I'm a soldier.
09:46Which means you're good at murder, but bad at lying.
09:50The whole honor thing.
09:52You know why everyone here wears big hats and eye blockers?
09:55To hide the faces they're lying off.
09:57What are the earrings for?
09:58To elongate the neck.
10:00Keep up.
10:01The fact is, you were invited so they could grill you.
10:04So if you can't lie, I'll lose this new status I've worked semi-hard for.
10:09For however long it's been.
10:10A couple of weeks.
10:11What if you taught me?
10:12To lie?
10:13Hmm.
10:14I am an expert at lying.
10:16If we buckle down and really work hard, I'm sure it would work.
10:21You think so?
10:22No.
10:23That was a lie.
10:24I've got my work cut out for me.
10:26So, Viserra, let's talk about your interests.
10:28Okay.
10:29Well.
10:30Wow.
10:30Very cool.
10:31Oh, I barely said anything.
10:32Yes, I still interrupted you.
10:34Now I'll talk about me for a bit.
10:35Just until the light goes out of your eyes.
10:37I still don't see why you wouldn't at least consider the marriage.
10:40She's gorgeous.
10:42Way out of your league.
10:43Thanks, Dad.
10:44Tell me, Viserra, do you like alternative comedy?
10:47Or anti-comedy?
10:48Where the humor's more conceptual and challenges people's assumptions
10:50about what it even means to be funny.
10:52Oh, I love it.
10:54Well, I wonder whether you really know the kind of thing I'm talking about.
10:58If you do, you probably don't completely understand it.
11:01I'll be happy to take you to see someone explain the jokes to you.
11:03Seriously?
11:04Would you?
11:05Oh, you are so generous with your expertise.
11:09Ever seen a thigh that's skinnier than its adjoining calf?
11:13Ooh, yeah.
11:14I think it's hot.
11:15I like that you're built like a marionette someone whittled while drunk.
11:18Come, slug.
11:19Let's leave young lovers to their loving.
11:22Bop!
11:22Want a kiss?
11:23I should mention that it's customary for the bride to take a ceremonial bite out of the groom's lip.
11:29Oh, is that...
11:30Are you...
11:32Hold on.
11:33Are you on to me?
11:34You mean the fact that you're trying to repel me?
11:37Yeah.
11:38Good luck with that.
11:39You mean you want to marry me?
11:40You know what?
11:41I'm not wild about the idea, but it's the only way I can eventually run this place.
11:45And I'm not trying to get exiled.
11:47Wouldn't it be better to be exiled and free to do what you want instead of being forced to do
11:51what your dad wants here?
11:53What I want is to create the best possible classes.
11:56I actually think I'd be a pretty great leader.
11:58Making improvements.
11:59Improvements?
12:00Like adding another toddler buffet?
12:01Ty, it's a small city.
12:03How many toddler buffets do we really need?
12:06You actually have...
12:07Oh, hey, you're funny.
12:09Thanks.
12:10Coming from a comedy expert, that means a lot.
12:15Okay, stupendous.
12:16Lying is just like strangling a man.
12:18It's sweaty work that doesn't feel good at first.
12:21Disagree.
12:21First strangle is famously the best.
12:24But with practice, it becomes second nature.
12:26And I need you to not give away that goddess queen is a scam.
12:30So, repeat after me.
12:31I love your hair.
12:33I love your hair?
12:34Terrible, again.
12:35Oh, that's just water weight.
12:38I couldn't help you move.
12:40I was sick with an illness that killed both of my grandmas.
12:43What?
12:44You totally have the bone structure to pull off a pixie cut.
12:48What a beautiful infant child.
12:51That one feels like a stretch.
12:52Not if you sell it.
12:54Sure, I'd love to see a play.
12:57Sure, I'd love to see a play.
12:58Sure, I'd love to see a play.
13:01Wait.
13:01Do that last one again.
13:03Second to last.
13:04Sure, I'd love to see a play.
13:05By Zeus, I think you've got it.
13:07Really?
13:08Nah, but the party's starting, and if we're late, we won't get a swag bag.
13:12Slab, old friend.
13:13Soon to be family.
13:14Yes, I hope so.
13:16I know so.
13:17Guess I'll be spending a lot more time here.
13:19And you in Crapopolis.
13:21In Crapopolis?
13:22When you come to visit Viserra.
13:24Oh, I see.
13:25No.
13:26Tyrannus and Viserra will live here.
13:28Colossus is a closed society.
13:30After the wedding, your son will never be able to leave.
13:33Never be able to leave?
13:35Have a drink with me.
13:36I thought you'd never ask.
13:39What the?
13:40This isn't wine?
13:41Of course it's not.
13:42You're in Colossus.
13:43It doesn't taste like blood.
13:44No.
13:45It's cranberry juice.
13:46I don't drink.
13:47I'm sure we've tippled together in the past.
13:49That time at the tavern.
13:50Mocktails.
13:51You do know you're in a dry society, right?
13:54There was still some in there.
13:56No drinking.
13:57My son can never leave.
13:58But I suppose he'll be happy here with your daughter.
14:00The main thing he'll be expected to do is produce many strapping female heirs.
14:05Oh, that part doesn't sound so bad.
14:07Via monogamous procreative sex.
14:09A missionary only, obviously.
14:12I have to save my boy!
14:16Wait.
14:16You let the people choose their leader.
14:19And they chose your dad.
14:21I know.
14:22Rookie mistake, right?
14:24Okay.
14:24All right.
14:25Yep.
14:25Yes.
14:26My misfortune is hilarious.
14:28It isn't not.
14:29I mean, it's cool you invented an electoral process, really.
14:33But oof.
14:34Should have seen that coming.
14:35You have a nice laugh.
14:36I can't tell if you're flirting now or still trying to drive me away.
14:39I acknowledge that it is probably hard to tell the difference.
14:42Wow.
14:42And you didn't win the election.
14:44Ha ha.
14:48Uh...
14:49So, I feel like I have to ask about the cannibal thing.
14:53Cannibal thing?
14:54Come on, Ty.
14:55Do I come to your city and police your customs?
14:58Well, no, I just...
14:58I'm kidding.
14:59Mostly.
15:00Honestly, it's not something I'm proud of.
15:02I know it's a little barbaric, but a good butt sandwich or some crispy raider belly, oof.
15:06I might not be a good enough person to completely give that stuff up.
15:10That tasty, huh?
15:11You gonna try some?
15:11No.
15:12No.
15:17Cute.
15:18Okay.
15:18You can do this.
15:19One last time.
15:20My mom's a goddess queen, which is a whole nother level of god.
15:23So that's cool.
15:24You were right.
15:25Lion felt bad at first, but then I just started believing my own lies.
15:29This feels like the day I gave birth to you.
15:31And that I have once again created a monster.
15:34Now, go forth and fudge.
15:35You're not wrong.
15:37He's wrong.
15:38Hey, what you're doing isn't stupid.
15:40It's brave.
15:42Goat.
15:43I've seen goats, and nobody at this party seems like a goat.
15:46It's not a wart.
15:47It's just a bump.
15:48Warts are contagious.
15:50Oh, I am so glad you're enjoying the party.
15:53Has either of you had the chance to say hello to Alethea?
15:58Alethea is here.
16:00I love her.
16:01I'm going to go and say hi right now.
16:03Right over there.
16:04Yes.
16:05Forgot we just have to, um...
16:07Alethea is the personification of truth.
16:08She can detect any falsehood no matter how convincingly fibbed.
16:12Oh, personifications are the worst.
16:16Oh, really?
16:19Where do you stand on arranged marriage?
16:22Outdated.
16:23Paternalistic.
16:24When I'm queen, I'll abolish the practice.
16:26As you should.
16:27Although if you like the person at all.
16:29Oh, you mean like if you thought he was kind of cute in a weird way?
16:33Do you?
16:34I mean, would one?
16:36Wait, I'm sorry.
16:36Was the biting thing real?
16:39Do you want it to be?
16:42Bob!
16:43I spent weeks designing this table scheme.
16:45What are you doing?
16:46Son, I just wanted you to have a girlfriend and to trade you for grain.
16:49But if you live here, I'll never see you again.
16:52I didn't say you can't see him.
16:53You said I'd have to come to a city with no drinking
16:56and a dim view on adulterous shenanigans.
16:59Like I'm going to come to a place with no shenanigans.
17:01Stop spreading hairs.
17:02The deal is off.
17:03We'll get our grain somewhere else.
17:05It's not just the grain.
17:06If you call off this marriage, Visera will be exiled.
17:09And our friendship will be so off.
17:11So be it.
17:12My son deserves a life of freedom.
17:14Why?
17:14And to be the lazy one on the bottom sometimes.
17:17Why should he do all the work?
17:18Ah!
17:19I'll call you.
17:22I should have known.
17:23This was all a trap to prove my goddess queen status is a lie.
17:27I have a plan.
17:28Stupendous, you can't dupe Alethea.
17:30Even I'm not phony enough to pull that off.
17:33We're not going to lie to her.
17:34You're going to slip out the back and I'm going to lie to everybody else.
17:37That's your plan.
17:38Fleeing.
17:39No.
17:40Slipping out.
17:41That's how a goddess queen leaves a party.
17:43Rudely and without saying goodbye.
17:45Oh my god, that almost sounded like a thing.
17:48If I've learned anything here, it's that social rules are just lies that more than two people believe.
17:53But how will you get out of talking to Alethea?
17:55I'll tell her I gotta hit the can.
17:57It's technically never a lie.
18:00You changed your mind.
18:01How was I supposed to know?
18:02I don't know.
18:03Reading the room?
18:03Picking up on subtle cues?
18:05I've never really had to do that.
18:07I prefer huge cues.
18:08Visera was smart, beautiful, passionate about civilization.
18:12I liked her, Dad.
18:13And not to give up wine and a world of sexual options.
18:16For me to give those things up, briefly, if I ever want to see my son.
18:20Honestly, yes.
18:21And I know that's actually a legitimate sacrifice for you.
18:24So, yeah.
18:25That much.
18:28Somehow things are worse off than they started.
18:31Wait a moment.
18:32You're not new, Scott.
18:34I'm sorry I tried to keep you from the party.
18:37It's okay.
18:38I just thought you were ashamed of me.
18:40Stupendous.
18:40I've never been ashamed of you.
18:42Come on, Mom.
18:43Don't bull poop a freshly minted bull pooper.
18:46Well, I've certainly never been less ashamed of you than I am today.
18:49That I can maybe believe.
18:51One question.
18:52Why did you even tell Scott where you were going?
18:55Hm?
18:55I tell Scott everything.
18:57What?
18:58King schlub?
18:59Prince Tyrannus has answered your summons!
19:02Right, send him in.
19:04Dad, you're very awake at midday.
19:06I'm as surprised as you.
19:07I've given a lot of thought to before when I needed help and you said no.
19:10I should have just bailed you out like you asked.
19:13You may have messed up my love life, but you never asked to be king.
19:16You shouldn't have to do it alone.
19:17I know.
19:18I needed a number two, which is why I decided to get one.
19:21Right after I stopped laughing at the words number two.
19:24There I go again.
19:25It's actually the number part that's the funniest when you get past the front-facing funny of feces.
19:31No, it's the two.
19:32Wait, it's the feces.
19:34Well, I'm not sure I want to do it as a permanent position, but I'd be happy to help you
19:38out now and then.
19:39Oh, you misunderstand. I went in another direction.
19:43Hi, Ty.
19:44Princess Viserra?
19:46Although it's just Viserra now, exile and all.
19:48Which made her easy to hire.
19:50I remember you said she was passionate about civilization.
19:54How on earth did you retain that?
19:55No clue. All I know is she seemed like the girl for the job.
19:59Thanks, Dad. This was kingy of you.
20:02Viserra, you may start doing work immediately.
20:04And now, time for a nap. Scott, I'm back.
20:08So, you're welcome, by the way.
20:10For getting me exiled.
20:11I was gonna say getting you your dream job and out of exile.
20:15Hmm, pretty sure that was your dad.
20:17I just hope it's not tense working with your ex.
20:19Okay, we were never together.
20:20We were pretty close. Admit it. We had a... we had a moment.
20:24Okay, maybe we had a moment.
20:27Aha!
20:27Or maybe I was just being nice because I was hoping to dragoon you into marriage
20:32then turn you into my patsy for my own craven uses.
20:34Guess we'll never know.
20:35See you around the kingdom.
20:37I'll be fine with either one of those things.
20:38For the record.
20:41Dragoon?
20:44And then he said,
20:45So I'm just out of a job now.
20:47What am I going to do?
20:51Oh, Scott. He's always been my favorite.
20:54Always your favorite?
20:56Good wine, by the way.
20:57Oh, yeah. I thought we ran out of wine.
20:59Glad you like it.
21:00Hippo, did you solve the famine while we were gone?
21:03Oh, no. Not at all. This is all we have.
21:05Tiny rat feet can only stomp so many grapes,
21:07and tiny rat nipples can only make so much rat milk cheese.
21:11It's been that way since there's been nipples on rats.
21:14Tiny what?
21:15Carlos! Elliot! Ethan! Get in here!
21:19And those rats. What was the thing you were saying?
21:22Can only make so much?
21:24Oh, my God!
21:25The rat poop cheese is actually really good.
21:27Right? Right? Right?
21:31Did you get any of that?
21:34Bento.
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