- 6 hours ago
First broadcast 22nd March 1979.
Albert ends up with his arm in a sling after filling in his football coupon.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Tessa Wyatt - Vicky
Tony Britton - James Nicholls
David Kelly - Albert
Royston Tickner - Magistrate
Jon Rollason - Park Ranger
Damaris Haman - Lady Magistrate
Albert ends up with his arm in a sling after filling in his football coupon.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Tessa Wyatt - Vicky
Tony Britton - James Nicholls
David Kelly - Albert
Royston Tickner - Magistrate
Jon Rollason - Park Ranger
Damaris Haman - Lady Magistrate
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:28I'll see you next time.
00:45Yes?
00:46Ah, Albert, can you open the door, please?
00:48No.
00:49Albert, it's me, Robin Tripp.
00:51Will you open the door, please?
00:53I'm sorry, sir, I would if I could, but I can't.
00:56Why me?
00:57Why me?
00:58Yes, I'm not a bad person.
01:00I don't kick dogs, and he beat my wife very, very occasionally.
01:04I mean, really, just why, why me?
01:08Albert, why on earth couldn't you open the...
01:11Oh.
01:13I, uh, I sprained it.
01:15It was a sporting accident.
01:17What?
01:17I was filling in me football coupon,
01:20and I'm not used to using the pin.
01:23Albert, how can you sprain your arm filling in a football coupon?
01:26Well, I told you, sir, it was the pin.
01:29What pin?
01:29No, not pens, sir, pin.
01:31The kind you prick yourself with.
01:33Oh, a pin?
01:34Mm.
01:34Oh, I was sitting down with the football coupon on me lap,
01:37and I was using a pin to pick out the teams.
01:40And where did the pin go?
01:41Down in the lower division, sir.
01:44Through Stockport County and into the top of me leg.
01:46I was so surprised I jumped up,
01:49banged me head off the mantelpiece,
01:50and tripped over the coal bucket.
01:52That's how I sprained me arm.
01:54What?
01:54Well, I was so annoyed with myself,
01:56I banged me fist on the table and jarred me arm.
02:00But sir, I can't stand around here chatting all day.
02:02That won't get any work done.
02:04No, Albert, I'll bring the food in.
02:05Hmm?
02:06Oh.
02:07Can I give you a hand, sir?
02:10I don't think so, Albert.
02:12Albert.
02:17Why did you close the door?
02:19How will you see, sir?
02:20There's a terrible heat loss if you leave the door wide open.
02:24I know, Albert, but my keys are inside.
02:27Ah, so they are, sir.
02:29Yeah, you left them on table four.
02:31Don't worry, sir, they'll be quite safe with me.
02:34I'll get the back door open.
02:36Yeah, I think so, sir.
02:37Do you want me to shut it?
02:38No, no, Albert.
02:39No, no, don't.
02:40Look, just stand here.
02:42Right, right, stay there.
02:44And keep your eyes on the food, all right?
03:04Good morning, Riddle.
03:05Good morning, Mr. Nichols, sir.
03:10Oh.
03:13Riddle, the door is locked.
03:15Yeah, I know, sir.
03:16It was me that locked it.
03:17I'm sorry, sir.
03:18Well, open it.
03:19I can't, sir.
03:20I beg your pardon?
03:21I can't, sir, because you see...
03:23Riddle, open this door at once.
03:25No, you don't understand, sir.
03:26I can't...
03:27Oh, yes, I understand.
03:27I do understand.
03:28I understand very well.
03:30Tripp is trying to oust me, isn't he?
03:32I've seen this coming for a long time.
03:34All right, Riddle, I know you're under orders, but it won't work.
03:37I'm going to call the police.
03:39He's gone too far this time.
03:41But I've been in a power struggle before.
03:43Ah, are you all right, Miss Nichols?
03:44Ah.
03:45Get off my...
03:46Get off my sweater.
03:47Not until you tell me what your little game is.
03:49What are you talking about?
03:50Albert, what's he talking about?
03:51I think he wants to play a little game with you.
03:53Why have you given Riddle instructions to lock me out?
03:56What are you talking about?
03:57You've gone round the twister.
03:58Would you get off my...
04:00What's going on?
04:02Riddle.
04:04How dare you strike an officer.
04:06I'm sorry, sir.
04:07I think we'd better go inside.
04:16Now then, what's going on?
04:18I go out for half an hour, I come back, and I find the three of you brawling in the
04:21streets.
04:21Well, that's really good for business.
04:23Victoria, when I arrived here a few minutes ago, Riddle was under instructions not to let me in.
04:28It was a planned lockout.
04:29He's gone off his head.
04:31Robin, did you tell Albert not to let Dad in?
04:34Yes, I told him.
04:35Nay, ordered him not to enter through the restaurant doors.
04:39Not to darken this place ever again.
04:41Yes, those were my very words.
04:43I don't remember that, sir.
04:45Well, of course not, Albert, because I didn't say it.
04:47Listen, if you weren't in such a hurry to make false accusations,
04:50you may notice that Albert has got his arm in a sling.
04:55That is why he could not open the door.
04:57Now, if you'll excuse me, some of us have got some work to do.
04:59We're frying tonight.
05:02Why don't you go upstairs, and I'll make you a nice cup of tea.
05:05That's very nice here, Mrs. Tripp.
05:08Count the chairs now, Mr. Tripp.
05:10No, I don't think so, Albert.
05:14Albert, can you answer that for me, please?
05:19Albert, can you...
05:20Oh, sorry, sorry, Albert, sorry.
05:25Ah, hello?
05:25Robert's there.
05:27Ah, yes, yes, he is.
05:29Hang on a minute.
05:29Albert's for you.
05:30Ah, thank you, sir.
05:33Um...
05:37Hello in there?
05:41Yeah, this is me.
05:42But who's that?
05:44Ah, hello, Agnes.
05:45It's Agnes.
05:46Oh, I'm delighted for you.
05:48Yeah?
05:49Yeah, I'm not bad, thanks, Agnes.
05:51Yeah, very busy.
05:52I had a big job on today.
05:53I had to count all the tables.
05:56Ah, well, I can't tell you how many.
05:58That's official information.
06:01Of course I will, yeah.
06:03I'll do that on me way home.
06:06Excuse me, Mr. Tripp.
06:08Would you have a piece of paper handy?
06:10Piece of paper?
06:11Of course I would.
06:12Yeah, thank you.
06:12Hey, I'll be right with you, Agnes.
06:14Um, Mr. Tripp, would you have a pen?
06:19A pen?
06:20Yes, I can have it.
06:21Thanks.
06:22There we go.
06:23Yeah.
06:24Okay, I'm back again, Agnes.
06:26Yeah?
06:32A bottle of cooking, Sherry.
06:34Yeah?
06:35Shh!
06:36Two bottles of milk stout.
06:39Yeah?
06:40Half an ounce of pipe tobacco.
06:44What kind do you smoke, Agnes?
06:47Hello?
06:47I've been cut off, Mr. Tripp.
06:49Albert, Albert, I thought you'd sprained your arm.
06:51How can you write out dirty Agnes' shopping list?
06:53Saints be praised.
06:55Now, isn't that a miracle?
06:57Robin?
06:58Uh, Albert.
06:59Yes, Mr. Tripp?
07:00Sorry.
07:01Albert, I'd like you to go and count the tables again.
07:04Right, right.
07:05And it'd be easier now that I've got the use of me fingers again.
07:08Dad would like to have a few words with you.
07:11Go on, Dad.
07:12Uh, yes, I, um...
07:16I owe you an apology.
07:18What?
07:19Dad's been suffering from depression recently.
07:22Ah, yes.
07:24I'm sorry about that little fracas earlier.
07:28Well, that's all right, Mr. Nicholls.
07:29I mean, you're always welcome here.
07:32Our door's always open.
07:33Well, nearly always.
07:37Well, goodbye, darling.
07:38Bye-bye, Dad.
07:43I'll see myself out.
07:47My God.
07:48Your father must be really ill.
07:50I mean, he's never apologised to me before, has he?
07:51Well, I'm really worried about him, Robin.
07:53He's been having these terrible attacks lately.
07:55Yeah, I know.
07:56I was at the receiving end of one of them.
07:57No, I'm in attacks of depression.
08:00He feels all alone.
08:01He feels that nobody loves him.
08:03Well, I mean, he's always known that.
08:05Why should that depress him now?
08:07Look, Dad's always been a very attractive man.
08:10He's finding it hard to take that he's getting older.
08:12He can't cope with it.
08:14You mean he can't pull the birds anymore, eh?
08:17Basically, yes.
08:18What?
08:19My car!
08:20What?
08:22My car!
08:23It's been stolen!
08:25No, no, your car hasn't been stolen, sir.
08:28The police told us away while you were in the kitchen.
08:31It's in safe hands.
08:33Well, why didn't you tell me?
08:35Me?
08:36Sure I was counting the tables.
08:38Two, three...
08:46Honestly, why haven't people got more respect for people's private property?
08:49Do you know what some idiots written on the wall in the gents' loo?
08:51No, I haven't been in there recently.
08:54I love grills.
08:58Grills.
08:59He means girls, Albert.
09:01Why?
09:02What's wrong with us grills?
09:05Becky, that's not funny.
09:06All that graffiti on the wall there.
09:08I've been in there 20 minutes.
09:10Oh, you're obviously a slow reader.
09:12Well, that's the law.
09:15What is?
09:16This fellow was sitting under an oak tree and an apple fell on his head.
09:25Graffiti, Albert, not gravity.
09:30The writing on the wall.
09:32Go and get a cloth and wipe it down.
09:34Well, that's the law.
09:36What goes up must come down.
09:39Actually, do you know something?
09:40Some of the writing on the wall, though, it looked a bit like your father's.
09:43Oh, Robin, don't be absurd.
09:45Now, listen, if you're right about your father going through some sort of strange male menopause,
09:49it could affect him in all sorts of ways.
09:52He's most probably right now stalking the streets of Knightsbridge in his dirty Mac.
09:58Don't be silly.
09:59He hasn't got a dirty Mac.
10:01Well, they probably have a higher class of dirty old men in Knightsbridge, you know.
10:05They sort of go to Harrods to buy their dirty Macs.
10:09Robin.
10:10What?
10:11I want you to go and talk to my father.
10:14Oh, look.
10:15If he's so depressed, I'm the last person who's going to cheer him up.
10:18You go and talk to him.
10:20No, I'm no good.
10:21It's man's talk.
10:22He needs another man to talk to.
10:24Yeah, but why me?
10:26Well, you're the next best thing.
10:47Hello.
10:48Yes?
10:50I thought I'd just pop round and say hello.
10:52Hello.
10:54Hello.
10:56Goodbye.
11:03What do you want?
11:04Well, you know, I thought I'd sort of come round and cheer you up.
11:06Oh, of all the people in the world, you are the last person who is likely to cheer me up.
11:12I know, that's what I said to Vicky.
11:13Oh, she sent you, did you?
11:14No, no, she just thought it would be a good idea if I came round and we had a sort
11:16of chat, you know, man to man.
11:18And I've brought a bottle of scotch.
11:21Oh, well, you might as well come in now you're here.
11:25Wipe your feet.
11:26Oh.
11:27And shut the door.
11:28I don't know.
11:36Well?
11:37Well, as I was saying, you see, Vicky thought it would be a good idea if I came round and
11:40we have a little chat.
11:42You know, boys talk.
11:44And, you know, as I've been saying to Vicky, you've always been a very attractive man.
11:49And still am, I hope.
11:51You took the words right out of my mouth and still are.
11:55Oh, well.
11:57Well, it's very decent of you to call by.
12:00As a matter of fact, I have been feeling rather depressed lately.
12:04Yes, I know, I know, I know.
12:05Hmm.
12:08Would you like to know what brought it on?
12:11Please, please, I mean, that's what I'm here for, you know.
12:14Use me as a sounding board, you know.
12:17Feel free, fire away.
12:20Oh, yes.
12:21Well, you see, a couple of days ago,
12:25what about a scotch?
12:28Oh, thank you, I'd love one.
12:31Well?
12:38Mr. Nichols,
12:40this is a memorable moment in our relationship,
12:42the two of us having a chat.
12:44Over a scotch?
12:45Over a scotch.
12:47Poured from the bottle you so kindly brought.
12:49What?
12:49Oh, sorry, yes.
12:58The vickies are my confidence.
13:01You got in here under false pretenses?
13:04Huh?
13:05Oh, nothing.
13:06Um, have you got any ginger ale?
13:09Uh, yes, yes, of course.
13:12Uh...
13:16Ahem.
13:20Ahem.
13:21Ahem.
13:22Ahem.
13:24Ahem.
13:24Ahem.
13:25Ahem.
13:26Ahem.
13:29One ginger ale.
13:32Ahem.
13:37Ahem.
13:43Cheers.
13:43Cheers.
13:46Well,
13:48as I was saying,
13:49a couple of days ago,
13:51I went into Harrods
13:52to buy myself a new Mac.
13:53Ahem.
14:01You all right?
14:02Yes, just went down the wrong way.
14:03Sorry.
14:03I can't.
14:03You mean...
14:04You mean...
14:07Well...
14:08When I came out of Harrods,
14:10it was raining.
14:12And I couldn't find a taxi.
14:14So I decided to take a bus.
14:16What?
14:17From Harrods to here?
14:18That's only a five-minute walk.
14:19Yeah, well,
14:19I didn't want to get my new Mac wet.
14:21So...
14:22I got on,
14:23and as it was such a short distance
14:25that I had to go,
14:26I...
14:26I stood.
14:28And right beside me,
14:29sitting down,
14:31was a...
14:32very pretty girl.
14:34Yeah, yeah.
14:35Yes, go on, go on, go on.
14:38Well, she got up
14:39and offered me her seat.
14:43She pointed to a sign that said,
14:44please give up your seat
14:45to an elderly person.
14:48I was so stunned,
14:49I had to sit down.
14:51And then...
14:53Next thing I knew,
14:54we'd gone way past my stop
14:55and we were right the way
14:56down to Hammersmith.
14:57And then the conductor
14:58offered to take me across the road
14:59and put me on the right bus
15:00back to Night's Way.
15:03That's ridiculous.
15:05Yes, yes, yes.
15:06Yes, but I was so dazed
15:07I accepted his offer.
15:12So, by the time I got back here,
15:14I felt I was ready
15:14for the knackers' yard.
15:17Well, there...
15:17You see, there you are, you see.
15:19You're getting it all
15:20out of proportion,
15:21Mr. Nichols.
15:24Look, why don't you...
15:26Why don't you call me James?
15:27Why not?
15:28It's your name, isn't it?
15:31There we are.
15:32Cheers.
15:33Cheers.
15:34Yes.
15:37Well, that's very nice, isn't it?
15:38Now, James, James,
15:40could I be...
15:41could I be frank with you
15:42for a moment?
15:43Yes, of course.
15:45Because, you see,
15:46I'm going to ask you
15:47a question
15:49which possibly
15:50you could construe
15:51as a sort of
15:52a rather personal question.
15:53Well, that's all right.
15:55I mean, if we're going
15:55to have a man-to-man talk,
15:56well, let's have
15:57a man-to-man question.
15:58Absolutely.
15:58Well, man-to-man, James.
16:00James.
16:01And I think that
16:02I have to ask you
16:02this question
16:03because it could be
16:05the root cause
16:07of all your depression.
16:09Really?
16:10Hmm.
16:10Oh, go on, go on.
16:13Well, James,
16:14how can I put this to you?
16:15Um,
16:17are you, um...
16:19Huh?
16:22Have you, um...
16:25Well, yeah, um,
16:26you know,
16:26sort of put it in
16:28layman's terms, James.
16:30Are you getting enough?
16:35Uh, you know,
16:36if you understand my meaning,
16:38of course, of course,
16:40of course,
16:40I won't be at all insulted
16:41if you tell me
16:42to belt up
16:42and mind my own business.
16:44Belt up
16:45and mind your own business.
16:46I think he is,
16:46and I appreciate
16:47your frankness.
16:48Silly, immature question.
16:49Absolutely, absolutely.
16:51Um, sorry,
16:52where was I
16:53before I asked you
16:53that silly, immature question?
16:55Oh, uh,
16:56I think he was saying
16:57what a very attractive man
16:58I'd always been.
16:59Yes, and still are.
17:00Mm, yes.
17:02Well, cheers.
17:03Down the hatch.
17:04Up yours.
17:05Um, James,
17:08what I'm saying to you, James,
17:10is basically, you see,
17:11just because you're beginning
17:13to lose your hair
17:14and your face is a bit wrinkly.
17:16I mean, it's not
17:17the end of the world, is it?
17:18I mean, you're not ready
17:19for the Derby and Joan Club yet.
17:21Mind you, you know,
17:22I have been told
17:23that you meet
17:24a very nice sort of person
17:25at those sort of clubs.
17:26You see,
17:26what I'm saying to you, James,
17:28is that you've got
17:28to sort of appreciate
17:30all the advantages
17:31of getting older.
17:33I mean,
17:33free public transport?
17:35Hmm?
17:36Old-age pension?
17:37It's your right, James.
17:39You paid for it.
17:40You deserve it.
17:42But, I mean,
17:42what am I saying?
17:43Old-age pension for?
17:44How old are you?
17:45What?
17:4560?
17:4661?
17:5154.
17:51There you are.
17:5354.
17:54You see,
17:54you've got it all out of,
17:55all out of context completely.
17:57I mean,
17:57you see,
17:58you see,
17:59there's no reason
18:00for you to get
18:00so depressed, James.
18:02I mean,
18:02there's years before
18:03you're ready
18:04for the knack of the yard,
18:04Jimmy!
18:06Sorry, James.
18:08Mr. Nichols.
18:10Sir.
18:11You know,
18:11what I mean is,
18:12there's life
18:12in the old dog yet.
18:15For a senior citizen,
18:16you mean?
18:17Yeah.
18:17No.
18:18Look, James.
18:20Ah, look, James.
18:23Why don't you
18:25come up with me tonight?
18:27I beg your pardon?
18:29I want to take you out.
18:31I didn't know you cared.
18:34Where do you want to take me?
18:35A little bistro
18:35off the Fulham Road?
18:37No, no,
18:38I was thinking,
18:38I was thinking
18:42more of a pub.
18:43Or two.
18:46No, three or four.
18:47That's if you're up to it,
18:48of course.
18:49Fine.
18:50Yeah?
18:50Yeah.
18:51There's only one condition.
18:53What's that?
18:53It's our first date,
18:54so no funny business.
19:08Oh, what a wonderful night out.
19:12There's life in the old dog yet.
19:13That's what I told you, Jimbo,
19:15didn't I?
19:15It is, it is.
19:19Mark you.
19:21I don't,
19:22I don't think I,
19:23I don't think I could have hung on
19:26much longer.
19:27Me too, yeah.
19:33Oi, you!
19:34Hey, stop that!
19:36You're killing them daffodils!
19:40You can't do that
19:41on crown property!
19:43This is a royal park!
19:45Well, that's all right, mate.
19:46This is the royal we.
19:49Oh, my God!
19:50And there they were, sir.
19:51Large as life,
19:53desecrating crown property.
19:55They've ruined the jubilee daffodils.
19:57Disgraceful.
19:58It's sacrilege.
19:59All they can do
20:00is stand there
20:00with their heads wilting.
20:05Yes, I can see them.
20:07I'm talking about
20:07my daffodil, sir.
20:09Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course.
20:11You may stand up.
20:13Hooligans.
20:13Sir, sir,
20:14may I say something, sir?
20:16Oh, shut up, Tripp.
20:18Yes, Mr. Tripp.
20:19Your Worship,
20:20I feel you ought to know
20:21that I have green fingers.
20:25I beg your pardon.
20:26Shut up.
20:27You're only making it worse.
20:28When I say I've got green fingers,
20:29I love gardening, you see, sir.
20:30Gardening is one of my hobbies.
20:32I love flowers.
20:33I grow them myself.
20:34You should see my sweet peas.
20:37Mr. Tripp,
20:39isn't that what this case
20:40is all about?
20:43Sorry, yes, sir.
20:43What I mean, sir,
20:44I would not willfully
20:47desecrate flowers,
20:48especially royal flowers,
20:50because I love the Queen.
20:52We both love the Queen,
20:53don't we?
20:53Yes.
20:54In fact,
20:54I love the Queen so much
20:56that I created a special pudding
20:58for her jubilee.
20:59Really?
21:00Fascinating.
21:01The Mr. Tripp.
21:02Yes,
21:02I could give you
21:03the recipe later, madam,
21:04but basically what it is,
21:05it's a sponge base,
21:06whipped cream,
21:07and then layers
21:08of fresh pineapple
21:09flavoured with kirsch.
21:12I'm not really fond of kirsch.
21:14Could one substitute
21:14your quantra?
21:16I think one could, madam.
21:18I see no reason for it, sure.
21:19Question of trial and error,
21:20really, yes.
21:21Mr. Tripp,
21:22I fail to see
21:23what your jubilee pudding
21:25has to do
21:25with the matters in hand.
21:30Well,
21:32sir,
21:32I put it to you, sir,
21:34that Mr. Nichols
21:36should not be standing
21:38in the dock
21:38alongside me today.
21:41For here
21:42is a man
21:44stainless record,
21:47unblemished
21:48militant character,
21:50and a man
21:50who loyally served
21:52his king and country.
21:54And now,
21:56in the autumn of his years,
22:00he has to bear
22:01the shame
22:02and the indignity
22:03of standing
22:04in this dock today.
22:08And why?
22:11Because, my lord,
22:13of a single
22:14momentary weakness,
22:16albeit a weakness
22:17of the bladder,
22:19a short burst
22:20of folly.
22:23Is it such a crime,
22:25my lud,
22:25for an old man
22:27to try and recapture
22:28the fleeting moments
22:29of youth?
22:29Steady on!
22:31Hijinks, yes.
22:33A foolish prank,
22:35a gay whim,
22:36yes.
22:38A crime
22:39against society?
22:41No.
22:44And so, sir,
22:45before I rest my case,
22:48may I leave you
22:49with this one thought?
22:52I have youth
22:53on my side.
22:55But remember this,
22:57it's a long, long time
22:59from May
23:00to September.
23:02But the days
23:03grow short
23:04when you reach
23:05December.
23:10Bravo!
23:12More and more!
23:13Silence in court!
23:18Mr. Tripp,
23:19that was a most
23:20eloquent speech.
23:22Mr. Nichols,
23:23you may go.
23:24Oh, thank you, sir.
23:32Now, Mr. Tripp,
23:33before I allow you
23:34to step down,
23:35might you like to say
23:36a few words to you?
23:37Yes, sir.
23:38It is patently obvious
23:40that you led
23:41poor Mr. Nichols
23:42astray.
23:43Admittedly,
23:43you were drunk
23:44at the time,
23:44but that is
23:45poor excuse.
23:47There is far too much
23:48of this sort of thing
23:49going on.
23:50It's high time
23:51that the youth
23:52of today
23:52learn to have
23:53more respect
23:54for public property.
23:57However,
23:58I'm not an unreasonable man
24:00and on this occasion
24:01I'm prepared
24:02to show leniency.
24:04Thank you very much,
24:05Your Worship.
24:06Therefore,
24:06I shall fine you
24:07£100.
24:09Next case.
Comments