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00:27You
00:32Happy Thanksgiving, fellas!
01:17Welcome to What Happens in Vegas in the Morning, AM edition.
01:21I'm Margo Wahlberger.
01:23Today, I'm joined by local exotic dancer, Barry Chandelier.
01:26If you haven't seen his penis, you've definitely seen his face, in commercials for the legal firm of Gum &
01:32Flambe.
01:33Barry, welcome to the show.
01:35It says here that you also collect vintage license plates.
01:38We'll get to that, Margo.
01:40But first, I want to talk about a cause very dear to me.
01:43Our ignorant, antiquated age of consent laws.
01:48Jesus.
01:49I know. This is bad, right?
01:51Maybe it'll blow over.
01:52It says here there are people outside Barry's house shouting for his arms to be tied to one plane while
01:57his legs are tied to another and that both planes take off in different directions.
02:00We can't afford a new commercial, but we should shoot 10 new seconds to replace Barry.
02:05Sheila, as creative director, you take the lead.
02:12The lead?
02:13Oh, and I can help.
02:14All teens know how to edit video now.
02:17It's weird.
02:17Of course, I fully trust both of you.
02:21Kevin, a word?
02:22I don't trust them at all.
02:23I need you to watch these two maniacs like a hawk and make sure they don't bankrupt me and or
02:28kill anyone.
02:29Oh boy, that's a lot of pressure.
02:31You know, back when I was defusing bombs in Iraq.
02:34Don't let me down on this, Kev.
02:36You're my guy.
02:37Your guy?
02:45I guess that just leaves you and me, Glam, sort of a father and son situation.
02:49You're not my dad.
02:51So, what crazy adventures are you up to today?
02:54I'm conducting jury selection for an upcoming case.
02:57You know I actually work here, right?
02:59I'm not just this generation's Ralph Wiggum.
03:02Jury selection, huh?
03:03Why don't I tag along, see how the old sausage gets made?
03:07It's not from dogs.
03:08I mean, sure, you can come.
03:10Good luck fixing the ad, guys.
03:13Remember, just replace the berry part.
03:15Don't go nuts.
03:17Blindly by the light.
03:19Bye, Lincoln.
03:20Have fun.
03:22We need an all-new ad that shows off exactly what Sheila Flambe brings to the firm.
03:26Both Razzle and Dazzle, which, as you know, are the names of our tits.
03:30But also, my showmanship.
03:32And a big stunt at the end, like someone leaping off a building.
03:35Guys, call me.
03:37Trad.
03:37But what about a commercial where someone looks straight into the camera and says gum and flambe?
03:42Call us if you need a lawyer.
03:46Kevin, I would slap you, but you don't deserve the boner.
03:49So, Sheila, I was thinking, uh, maybe, you know, to replace Barry in the ad,
03:54maybe we could have a little mascot for the firm, like Grimace or the General or something.
03:58You know, no big deal.
03:59Irene, not only is that a good idea, but it made me think of a joke where I say
04:02the General Grimace would be a good nickname for you.
04:05Sure.
04:06Draw something up.
04:06He could say the phone number at the end.
04:08Yes!
04:08Can I buy a tablet to draw him on?
04:10Sure.
04:11Money is no object.
04:13Actually...
04:13Do not enjoy that!
04:15Okay, so this is how it works.
04:17There's 20 potential jurors, which we have to narrow down to 12.
04:21Each side gets to veto four of the opposing counsel's selections,
04:24so the whole thing is an intricate dance, like hate sex between two porcupines.
04:30You're overthinking this.
04:31I crush with juries.
04:33We just need to weed out any weirdos who randomly hate me, Lincoln, the protagonist.
04:38Well, if it isn't Phlegm Blorchman and Little Lincoln Dumb, is Baby conducting his very first jury selection?
04:48Babies are precious angels whose brains are always growing, so thank you for the compliment.
04:54What's with the get-up?
04:55Yeah!
04:56Robocop called.
04:57He had nothing to say about your computer-looking ass, but he did mention he porked your stupid wife.
05:02I'll have you know, this is the top-of-the-line in CBS's bull-style jury selection technology.
05:09It analyzes body language, facial expressions, and basically knows what anyone is thinking.
05:14Oh, yeah?
05:15What am I thinking about, asshole?
05:17The scene in Ally McBeal where she kisses Lucy Liu.
05:21Hey, that's because of law stuff!
05:23Good luck, children.
05:24You'll need it.
05:25Don't worry.
05:26Gadgets and gizmos are no match for Glenn.
05:30Watch this.
05:30Ladies and gentlemen, voir dire means to speak the truth, and the truth is a bit of a tricky
05:38thing, and in that spirit, my first question for you is who likes roaches?
05:44You, excuse.
05:46You can't fool me.
05:48Those roaches are fake.
05:50Those were fake, but these aren't real roaches.
05:55Also excused.
05:57He's blowing.
05:59Why are we recasting Uncle Lincoln?
06:01Because he's not here, and he's got a terminal case of Pete Buttigieg energy.
06:04Whenever you're ready.
06:06Mayor George Wallace, I'm six feet three inches tall, willing to shave.
06:11I'm Lincoln, and I think corn is too spicy.
06:16Howdy, I'm Lingus Bung.
06:18I'll never shut up about how great Paddington 2 is.
06:21Well, everyone's off book so far.
06:24Shagadelic, baby.
06:27We have found our Lingus Bung.
06:29Shagadelic, baby.
06:30Of course it's a masterpiece, but Paddington 2 couldn't exist without Paddington 1.
06:37What did you say?
06:38We need to talk, Sheila.
06:40We're ten grand over budget.
06:41That's it.
06:42That's exactly what Lincoln would say.
06:44You're our Lincoln.
06:45Hit the bricks, fake Austin Powers.
06:47Don't call me Austin Powers.
06:49I'll get sued.
06:50My name is, uh, Houston Abilities, baby.
06:54But, Sheila, I've never acted.
06:56Acting is easy.
06:57Just say some words and think you're better than everyone.
07:00Especially hard-working cartoon writers.
07:04Plus, it'll save us some money, which I can use for the big money-burning scene.
07:08How's it going with the mascot, Irene?
07:09Oh, great.
07:11I'm giving him the warmth of Elmo, the quiet dignity of Frankenstein,
07:15the revolutionary spirit of Bob Marley, and eyeballs like Mozart.
07:18Yeah, Mozart did have eyeballs.
07:21Nice work.
07:21But he'll need some kind of law name like Gavalicious or Cordo the Legal Lawyer or, uh...
07:27Lawbert!
07:28Perfect!
07:29I'll get to work on the costume.
07:30Thanks for letting me help, Sheila.
07:32We make a great team.
07:33I will definitely remember we shared this moment.
07:36Okay, next audition.
07:38Stuntmen!
07:46According to your internet history, you've reviewed the Happy Poppy Cafe as, and I quote,
07:51a hidden boho gem, end quote.
07:54Oh, man.
07:55I love that place.
07:56They do these baked eggs and little ramekins.
07:59According to another review by Lincoln G.
08:02Computer, please identify personality type.
08:05Juror is an L7 weenie.
08:08Excused, Your Honor.
08:09Computer, thanks for using outdated slang someone my age can understand.
08:13Anchors away, homeslice.
08:15That son of a bitch.
08:16He just deprived me of a sympathetic juror and a PBP, potential brunch pal.
08:21Oh, can we go already?
08:23I'm bored.
08:24I'm a rich businessman, and if I'm away too long, my son will try to have sex with his beautiful
08:28stepmother.
08:29Wow, you are rich, and have a ton of unpaid parking tickets.
08:34Who cares?
08:35The law should be used to punish poor people.
08:37I side with the most powerful person in any argument.
08:40Works for me.
08:41He stays, Your Honor.
08:43That guy is gonna hate me.
08:44Glenn, Steve is stacking the deck.
08:46We gotta do something.
08:48Easy, Tiger.
08:49I know what I'm doing.
09:10Ladies and...
09:16Help me!
09:18That wasn't part of it.
09:21Oh, God.
09:22Oh, God.
09:22My teeth.
09:23My teeth.
09:24Why isn't anyone helping me?
09:25Why?
09:27Oh.
09:28Oh, thank you, kind stranger.
09:31And there's the door.
09:34You're out of here.
09:36Now, who else wants to be a hero?
09:39Overruled.
09:40You're the most boring lawyer I've ever seen.
09:42Lincoln Gum is missing a crucial counterpart.
09:45It's true, sir.
09:46Can I go cry in the bathroom and pretend like I didn't, even though everyone could hear me?
09:51No.
09:52I sentence your clients to death from boredom.
09:56I object to business as usual.
10:06I am saved.
10:08And so are you, honey.
10:09Just call the law offices of Gum and Flambé.
10:12Whoa-ho, flammety-flam.
10:14I'm Lobber, God's perfect lobbing.
10:17It's lobbering time.
10:19Call 1-800-Lobber.com.
10:21Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba.
10:22I'm lobbing it.
10:24Cut!
10:24Irene, what was that?
10:25You said, like, four catchphrases and didn't even say the right phone number.
10:29And it was incredible.
10:31This is what we needed.
10:33Lobber should be the whole commercial.
10:35Oh!
10:36Blinded by the light.
10:38Wrecked up like a new show.
10:42Okay, people, we are starting from scratch.
10:45Take five hours on the clock while I talk to my star.
10:48Oh, and talk to Kevin about overtime.
10:50He's Lincoln's guy.
10:55Okey-dokey.
10:58Hey, Glenbo.
10:59Change of plans today.
11:01Why don't I take point?
11:02Give you and the roaches a day off?
11:04Are you sure?
11:05I know I make it look easy, but...
11:07I'm going to make these people love me.
11:09Why don't you sit back and read a physical newspaper
11:12like one of those guys right by the front door of every laundromat?
11:15Fair enough.
11:17Someone shot Reagan?
11:19Sup, guys?
11:20I'm just like y'all.
11:21I don't want to be here either.
11:23Rather be watching monster trucks on my flat screen I can't afford with my needy spouse.
11:28This guy knows what I'm talking about.
11:29Uh, do I have to?
11:31You're in, my man.
11:33Dilly dilly.
11:33Man, this guy sucks.
11:35Psst, as if.
11:36Your Honor, I've had enough of this hater.
11:39I hereby excuse...
11:41Diarrhea!
11:42Your Honor, I have incredible diarrhea,
11:45and I request a dire recess.
11:49Ugh, let's just be done for the day.
11:51We'll wrap this up tomorrow.
11:52Clem, Jesus, even for you this is...
11:54Come on.
11:55Let me buy you a drink.
12:02Irene?
12:03Sheila needs you on set.
12:04Lawbert.
12:05Follow me, Lawbert.
12:07Okay.
12:08Have you been sleeping in the suit?
12:11Lawbert doesn't sleep, silly.
12:13He runs on cotton candy and human fear.
12:16Let's go!
12:22My name is Lawbert.
12:24But I have another name.
12:27Justice!
12:28Cut!
12:29More frolic in.
12:30You're Lawbert!
12:32No!
12:35They called me God's perfect law, baby.
12:40I wonder who's God they meant.
12:43Cut!
12:44Let's do it again with more unsimulated injuries.
12:50Cut!
12:52Cut!
12:53Cut!
12:58Shh.
12:59The law is listening.
13:01Cut!
13:02I gotta go to the bathroom.
13:03That was close enough.
13:04You two burn yourselves with these cigarettes to stay in the zone.
13:07Close enough?
13:08What's that supposed to mean?
13:09Ah, Irene, we all agree Lawbert is a star, but behind every star, there's a great director
13:15making their life miserable.
13:16You're my Leo, and I'm your Michael Pressman, director of Ninja Turtles 2, The Secret of the
13:21Ooze.
13:22Now I need you fully committed and despondent for the big roof jump stunt.
13:26No.
13:27No?
13:28You've been riding Lawbert all day.
13:30Lawbert is tired, and he needs a cotton candy machine for his dressing room.
13:34We just got you to Carnival Pro Plus, with the stainless steel basin.
13:37Lawbert asked for commercial grade.
13:40Commercial grade?
13:41Doesn't come in candy apple red, you bean-shaped dickhead.
13:44Now go jump off that roof before I throw you off it.
13:47Guys, can we just get this overpriced mess in the can?
13:51I am so mad, I can't even make an overpriced mess in a can joke.
13:55Do the shot, Irene.
13:56Never!
13:56This is beneath Lawbert.
13:58Lawbert, quit, you pig!
14:01God damn it, Irene.
14:03No, not Irene.
14:07Blubberts!
14:12What are you doing out there, man?
14:15Lincoln, you need to leave jury selection to me.
14:18Why do you think you're on a hot streak?
14:20I'm the one picking your juries.
14:22Nuh-uh.
14:23If we're dividing up the credit, it's half Sheila,
14:26and then the rest is some combo of my hard work and talent,
14:28and of course, the Lord Jesus Christ.
14:30Yes, the lamb prays his name, but a jury isn't just some random blob of people,
14:35like the one I found in the ice cave.
14:38It's a chain reaction until everyone lands right where you want them.
14:42Under a pile of roaches?
14:44The roach thing weeded out a coward and a know-it-all.
14:47And the bloody mouth?
14:49Vulnerability to emotional manipulation,
14:51one of Steve's specialties.
14:53If you don't believe me, give me a dollar.
14:55Clem, we talked about this.
14:57If you're going to panhandle, adjust for inflation.
15:00Manipulating people is how I survive.
15:02Now watch.
15:03I'm going to make that guy fight that guy
15:06without talking to either one of them.
15:14You might want to move over here.
15:19My Dolores and I used to dance to this record in our stocking feet
15:24before she got bit by that radioactive rodent
15:27and got rat powers and got killed by that Superman.
15:32Life's too short.
15:33It is.
15:34It really is.
15:38I love you, Colby.
15:40Make me Mrs. Bin Laden.
15:42And then let's both change our names.
15:44What the hell, Sandra?
15:45I told you I was going to propose just as soon as I got rich
15:48from getting hit by lightning and suing the damn weatherman.
15:51I think you've had enough, pal.
15:54You're damned right I've had enough.
16:02Holy shit.
16:03What are you?
16:04Some kind of boy witch?
16:05Warlock?
16:06And no, that song was top of the country charts when the geezer was 22.
16:11He's a degenerate gambler, but he hasn't pawned his wedding ring,
16:14so he's a romantic.
16:16Waitress and bartender have been making Jim and Pam eyes all night,
16:19and that shit kicker downed six beers since his team started losing an hour ago,
16:25which puts his blood alcohol at 0.11.
16:28It's like bowling.
16:29The ball knocks over the first pin, then the rest knock down each other.
16:33Incredible.
16:34Except the bowling metaphor?
16:36The pins don't knock each other over.
16:38The ball does.
16:39It's not like the ball just hits the first pin and then stops rolling.
16:43Well, it's exactly how bowling works.
16:45You tip over the first pin you hit, and then they fan outward.
16:49Right, but the ball keeps going through.
16:52Otherwise, it wouldn't come back in the rolly thing.
16:55Sure, but the ball keeps rolling because the pins knock each other down and clear the way.
17:00Hey, the ball doesn't zoom around hitting every pin.
17:03No, I'm saying the momentum of the ball means it's knocking down as many or more pins.
17:11Be gone, man boy.
17:13Uh, Lawbert, I'm supposed to tell you that we got those discontinued Dr. Pepper flavors you demanded?
17:21Hi, I'm Lawbert.
17:23I love the royal family and going to the Swarovski crystal store at the airport.
17:27I love Marvel movies and vote blue no matter who.
17:31Blasphemer.
17:32You make a mockery of my works!
17:35Look, Irene, I don't know if this is some ironic bitch you're doing or if you've actually gone insane.
17:40I never know, and I don't care.
17:42You and I have created something truly beautiful here, and I'm not going to let you destroy it.
17:46Either you do that stunt tomorrow, or this Lawbert will.
17:51Lawbert will kill you!
18:00I can't believe we won the Midnight Bowling Championship.
18:04Ten-pin Dan and Turkey Tina thought they were so cool, but we crushed them.
18:09And I can't believe back Ellie Haney fell in love with you.
18:12And it turns out we were both kind of right about the bowling analogy.
18:16Sure, the answer was so obvious.
18:18Why were we even arguing in the first place?
18:22Dirty selection!
18:26One more push, my angel.
18:31It's a girl!
18:32Girl number six!
18:34Hooray!
18:39Hello, you've reached the Kevin household.
18:41Nameless PA.
18:42Everything all right?
18:43Of course.
18:45Go, my love.
18:47You're Lincoln's guy.
18:50I got here as fast as I could.
18:52What's the very expensive disaster?
18:53Let me leave!
18:54Blah!
18:56Stop!
18:56Stop!
18:57We're going to get in trouble.
18:59Thanks for letting me help, Sheila.
19:00We make a great team.
19:01I will definitely remember we shared this moment.
19:06Oh, were we ever so young?
19:08Look at how much fun we were having.
19:09We got so caught up in making incredible art, we forgot why we make art to begin with.
19:15To replace a stripper in a local TV spot?
19:18To connect with each other.
19:21I'm sorry, Irene.
19:22Malbert is your vision.
19:23I was just trying to use my own greatness to make it even greater.
19:26I'm sorry, too.
19:27Let's forget this whole ad and go get waffles.
19:29Sounds good.
19:30Everyone is fired.
19:32Goodbye!
19:33No!
19:34Kevin, where did you get a gun?
19:36At this job, I opened a drawer.
19:38I was looking for tape.
19:40You think you're bailing on this commercial after everything you put me through?
19:43I almost missed the birth of my daughter.
19:45I took a second mortgage on the house my mother died in.
19:48My pubes have gone completely white.
19:50Whoa, cool.
19:51Cool?
19:52Yeah, cool.
19:53We're getting the last shot of this ad, even if I have to direct it myself.
19:57I am Lincoln's guy.
20:00Now get on the roof, you!
20:02Okay, Blahbert is feeling isolated here, so I'm thinking low and wide.
20:06Let's try the 85.
20:08We could get an anamorphic master and...
20:11Quick, quick, quick!
20:11Put him in the suit!
20:12Are you sure?
20:13There's only one Blahbert.
20:14There's a little Blahbert in all of us.
20:17Especially his stuntman, Kevin.
20:19No!
20:19No!
20:20No!
20:21No!
20:22Sorry, Your Honor, but this shouldn't take long.
20:24Now that I've learned a very important lesson.
20:26Oh, here we go.
20:28Exactly.
20:29Here we go.
20:30I only have one more question for you, sir.
20:34What the hell is your problem with me?
20:37Lincoln, this is the exact opposite of the plan we talked about.
20:40Cram it, Glim.
20:41I've had enough of your weird voodoo.
20:43I want to know why I shouldn't veto this asshole and keep the heroic lady astronaut who's been
20:50here the whole time but hasn't said anything.
20:52Ah, yeah.
20:54Let's raw dog some data.
20:55Do it.
20:56Veto me so I can get back to playing golf in Las Vegas.
21:00Do you have any idea how unforgivable that is?
21:03This planet is dying, but I only care about making deals.
21:08Well, here's the deal.
21:09Your Honor, I hereby dismiss...
21:11He doesn't mean it, Your Honor.
21:12I need another diuresis.
21:14I ate something at Subway other than a cookie.
21:17Let go of me, Glemily.
21:18You know, I can't believe I let you gaslight me about that whole bowling pin thing.
21:23The ball keeps going!
21:24Because the pins get out of the way!
21:28Let's go!
21:30Don't leave me!
21:33Stupidity error.
21:34Motives irrational.
21:36Why friends fight, father?
21:40Enough of this bullshit.
21:41By which I mean this shit I bought after seeing the show bowl.
21:44I want the guy who hates Lincoln and dismiss the space lady.
21:52You fell for our trap, you fool.
21:56We wanted the juror who hated me all along.
21:59But he hates you.
22:00And the rest of the jury will hate him.
22:03He's right, we do.
22:05They're going to gang up and one angry man his ass.
22:08Pins knock over other pins.
22:10Ste-rike!
22:12Then why did you do any of this?
22:14I was obviously going to pick him.
22:16You would!
22:17But that computer of yours was the X Factor.
22:19And I know I can't outsmart a computer.
22:22My ATM card is still inside a Coca-Cola freestyle machine.
22:26Ste-rike!
22:27You already said that, moron.
22:29Whatever.
22:30This week was a waste of Steve Nichols.
22:32Audi 5000.
22:35We, the jury, declare the winner of this trial to be...
22:40Steve Nichols.
22:42God damn it.
22:44If I'm reading you correctly, you're not that mad.
22:47And you still think I'm really smart and good.
22:51Hi, I'm a magician.
22:52And I'm Lobbert.
22:55Lobbert, Lobbert, Lobbert.
22:59Lobbert!
22:59Lincoln Gump, my best friend.
23:01Lincoln Gump.
23:01I'm Barry Chandelier.
23:03Lincoln Gump.
23:04Lincoln Gump loves Barry Chandelier.
23:10Call 1-800-Lobbert.com and tell them Lobbert sent you.
23:15Blum-erty-flam.
23:17Sheila.
23:21What the hell was that?
23:23Who is Lobbert?
23:24How is Barry Chandelier in it more now?
23:27How did that cost half a million dollars?
23:30Hello?
23:31Hi, my name is Kelsey Papitas.
23:32I'm a very important person who constantly requires the services of lawyers.
23:36Is this the Lobbert firm?
23:37I just have to work with Cosperfect Law, baby.
23:40Flemity-flam.
23:41I, um, one sec.
23:42I'm getting another call.
23:43I need a lawyer to divorce my wife for not loving Lobbert enough.
23:47Wow, I...
23:49Let me call you back.
23:50Sheila, Irene, you did it.
23:52I'm sorry I doubted you.
23:54We did it!
23:55We really did!
23:56I was talking to Razzle and Dazzle, but we also did great.
23:58All of you.
23:59Except you, Kevin.
24:00I'm very disappointed.
24:02You are not my guy.
24:06No!
24:08And a clarification on an earlier story.
24:11It turns out the locally hated nudity man, Barry Chandelier, wanted to raise the age of consent laws, not lower
24:17them.
24:17So anyone who took any action based on that story at all did so for no reason.
24:21No!
24:32Cardinal Bulletini, ciao.
24:34The Dark One has shown himself in the American West.
24:46Mama Mia.
24:54It's a limited place for you.
24:56Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
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