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00:22Well, none of this makes any sense.
00:26Ah, that's better.
00:28Now everyone understands what's happening.
00:31Anything to add, Mr. Milk?
00:33This motion is basically a formality at this point.
00:35My client, Mr. Kringle, has filed all necessary paperwork
00:39and notarized it with fingerprints
00:41that even look like snowflakes, kind of.
00:43Ho, ho, ho, Your Honor.
00:45Indeed.
00:46Well, if there are no further objections,
00:49I hereby grant exclusive Santa Claus jurisdiction
00:52in the state of Nevada
00:53to this man, Christopher Cross Kringle,
00:56and declare him the one, true, and only Santa Claus...
01:00I object!
01:02Ho, ho, hoo!
01:03Lincoln Gum, Your Franken-Honor,
01:06my client, Harry Crimmins, is the real Santa Claus,
01:09and he has the right to have his challenge heard.
01:12Mr. Crimmins, do you have any evidence to back up your claim?
01:16I drove here in a red car!
01:19Good enough!
01:20This court shall determine which of these men
01:23is the real Santa Claus.
01:27Oh, and of course,
01:29Happy Halloween!
01:308!
01:30W8!
01:31Ha, ha, ha-ha!
01:32Ha, ha-ha!
01:32Ha, ha, ha, ha!
01:32Brownie?
01:33D Fo, vee!
01:40D Fo, vee!
01:50One, one, one, done, one, done, one, one, done.
01:59Come on along the trip.
02:02You know I love you, baby.
02:04Stop!
02:05Yeah!
02:09Halloween, so.
02:15Halloween is just around the corner.
02:19Everyone is hanging up their bats.
02:22Oh, I love Halloween.
02:24It's the one night of the year I can give candy to kids and no one bats an eye.
02:29Come on.
02:30I like kids and I think they should have candy.
02:32Why does everyone assume the worst about me just because of how I look and act?
02:37I'm gonna make you beautiful, sweetheart.
02:42So, Irene, got any big trick-or-treating plans?
02:45Nah, I'm too grown up for that now.
02:46But I have picked out my costume for sneaking out and throwing rocks at cars.
02:50DHL delivery person.
02:52Everyone loves DHL because it's usually something actually good.
02:55Like, from Europe.
02:56I always have trouble coming up with a costume worthy of me.
02:59I was thinking maybe God, but then I landed on God's high teenage girlfriend, Morgan.
03:04Anyway, I'm glad someone's having fun.
03:06Your uncle's been a real work-hole lately.
03:07You mean workaholic?
03:09No.
03:09Are you done yet?
03:11We've got a big shot client arriving any second.
03:13Is there coffee?
03:14Do we have a vacuum?
03:15Screw it.
03:15I'll do it with my hands.
03:17Whoa, Lincoln.
03:18We just won a case.
03:20We've earned a little break.
03:21I know.
03:21Let's go to Thailand for eight months.
03:23Come on.
03:23Believe in yourself enough not to be so desperate.
03:25Believing in yourself is for mass shooters and Judd Apatow's kids.
03:30I live in the real world where things only work out if we work them out.
03:36Should these skeletons be wearing ties?
03:38I'm just saying.
03:39You don't have to represent every maniac who shows up at the door.
03:42Maniac at the door.
03:43Is this gum legal?
03:45I have a man to destroy.
03:48The real Kris Kringle.
03:50I heard about this guy.
03:51Found a loophole to get himself legally declared Santa Claus in New York.
03:56Now he travels from state to state doing the same thing.
03:59But not here.
04:00I was born and raised in Vegas.
04:03I worked hard to make my fortune here by finding it in the desert.
04:07If anyone's gonna be our Santa, it should be me.
04:09Which is where you come in.
04:11Well, Mr. Crimmins.
04:13Harry.
04:13Harry Crimmins.
04:15It sounds like Merry Christmas, but not too much.
04:18Well, this'll be a real fight.
04:19Kringle's attorney is what we in the legal profession call a double threat.
04:24An aggressive lawyer and tall.
04:27Do you need legal assistance?
04:29Hire me, Mike Milk, the tall lawyer.
04:32I fight for the little guy.
04:34Because to me, all guys are little.
04:36I'm here when justice is out of reach.
04:41My last lawyer was 5'11".
04:43And yeah, he won my workman's comp case.
04:45But when I saw him next to Mike, I threw up and fired him.
04:49He's so f***ing tall!
04:51So call Mike Milk, the tall lawyer.
04:56That's one tall hundred. T-A-L-L.
05:00See you soon, Harry.
05:01Thank you, Lincoln.
05:02You're a very good boy.
05:04Ha-ha. Just like Santa would say.
05:07Yes, Santa.
05:08Lincoln, now I'm not one to judge a good dirtbag.
05:11I've had more gold rings fall out of me than Sonic the Hedgehog.
05:14But are you sure you want to help this guy become our Santa Claus?
05:16Why? Just because of how he looks and acts?
05:19Thank you!
05:20Plus, he's secretly loaded, and we need money.
05:23So one old guy gets a ceremonial title instead of another old guy, and we get paid.
05:28But how do we figure out what makes someone legally Santa?
05:34Christmas movie marathon!
05:36My mom has them all on DVD.
05:38Santa Has Fallen, How the Shrimp Stole Shrimpmas, White Chicks 2, White Chicksmas, even Die Hard.
05:44Wow, yeah! Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
05:47I've never thought about that before.
05:49I am so proud of you.
05:53Well, it's 115 degrees out, so I put marshmallows in gin.
05:57It truly is a wonderful life. Almost as wonderful as war bonds!
06:03Buy war bonds, everyone!
06:06Which one next?
06:07What about single and ready to jingle?
06:09Nah, that one's a bummer.
06:11Everyone knows the real Santa would never divorce Mrs. Claus and hit the dating scene.
06:15Not when she puts up with all his traveling.
06:19Good one, Irene. The real Santa.
06:22Totally.
06:23Wait, what?
06:24Wait, what? Did you not...
06:26I mean, I just assumed.
06:28Irene, you do know about Santa, right?
06:31You're like 13 or 19 years old.
06:33You're the one that told me my real dentist probably wouldn't be asking for money on Cash App.
06:36What? Shut up.
06:39Of course I know about Santa. I know everything adults know. Like Boingo hotspots.
06:44Hey, we all believe stupid stuff when we're younger. Hell, I believed in King Kong until I joined the army.
06:50Irene, I guess your mom thought you were too smart to need this talk, but Santa is just a story
06:56parents tell their kids in order to relive their own childhoods.
07:00Because in the adult world, no one gives you anything, so you have to work for every disheveled lunatic who
07:06will hire you until you finally get to collapse into your early grave.
07:10Wow, so inspiring. Merry Christmas.
07:13Okay, that's enough TV. Glem, Sheila, that jury is gonna eat Kringle up. I need you guys to come up
07:20with some Christmas magic for our side.
07:22You got it. So, Santa sees everything, right? What if we have him describe the first time Hitler masturbated?
07:29Not that, but also nothing like that. Irene, dig up any dirt on Kringle you can find. Nobody is that
07:35perfect.
07:35Mm-hmm. Sure. I mean, it'd be stupid to believe this world had any magic in it, so I'll just
07:40go destroy what's left.
07:41Sounds good. I'll pick up Krimmins. We've got a hearing to disrupt.
07:52Recordable doorbell, take one. Shit! The old doorbell messed up the recording for the new doorbell. I am gonna kill
07:59whoever's out there.
08:00I'm gonna kill whoever's out here!
08:03Oh, Mr. Gum, come in. I was just making coffee. Sorry about the mess. Those damn lazy elves.
08:13Right. Mr. Krimmins, we should get going. Kringle's motion is scheduled for this morning.
08:20Nonsense. There's always time for a tour of Santa's workshop.
08:29These are my daughters. Shush, Emily!
08:33Sorry. They just won't stop laughing.
08:38Traps must be full. I know you're supposed to eat the eggs before they get out of hand, but who
08:44needs all those erections?
08:46Yeah. Look, Mr. Krimmins, if we want to win this case, you're gonna have to be able to make a
08:52halfway, un-terrifying impression on people.
08:55Well, that should be easy. For the real Santa Claus.
08:59Oh, I'm sorry. Do you not believe in Santa, and by extension not want the money he's offering you?
09:06What? Of course I do. He does exist. Like the M&M said.
09:11Santa can smell lies, child. By the time this is over, you'll believe. You'll all believe.
09:19After all, if I wasn't Santa, how could I go up this chimney?
09:28Look! Red car, Lincoln! Like Santa! Red!
09:33This court shall determine which of these men is the real Santa Claus.
09:38Woo-hoo! Wait until I tell my brother, the devil!
09:48Hello?
09:49Oh, hey there. This is Makila's mom over at Kid Rock Elementary. Don't you know it?
09:55Makila forgot the dang homework assignment. Can I talk to Jeffrey for a Michigan minute?
09:59Drop the con, sister. Makila never forgot a homework assignment in her life.
10:03Who are you?
10:04Name's Irene. Need the skinny on a fat man. Goes by Kringle.
10:08Kringle. There's a name I never wanted to hear again.
10:12You testified for him in Michigan. Sat on his lap, called him Santa. I want to know what it cost.
10:16Him or me?
10:18The old man needed a kid to convince the jury he was Santa. Told me he'd bring me the gift
10:22I've always wanted.
10:24Santa can make any toy, right? I wanted a custom video game where my dead dog brambles, eats my stepdad.
10:30Christmas comes around, what's waiting for me under the tree?
10:33Rupert Grint's Fractions dungeon! An educational game!
10:39That's when I realized I'd been had. There is no Santa. Only a stupid baby would think otherwise.
10:47Oh, I see. Just hit the last stop on the Polar Express, huh?
10:51Why do adults lie and call it love?
10:54Why does Rupert Grint murder Fractions? Who can say? Just watch your back, kid.
11:05Jesus Christ!
11:11What the fuck are you doing?
11:14We're making a reindeer fly. You wanted Christmas magic, dumbass!
11:18This is somehow worse than the Hitler idea. Irene, please tell me you have some good news.
11:24Well, Kringle lied to a kid in Michigan to secure his testimony.
11:26That's great.
11:27But other than that, he's squeaky clean.
11:29He's even the face of Christmas Cola, the only year-round Christmas-themed soda.
11:34Irene, did you sleep? You look like me when I make my own Dime-a-Tap out of expired Dime
11:39-a-Tap.
11:40My brain won't stop going. What else do I believe that isn't true? Huh? Huh?
11:44Can doves not actually cry? Are porn stars not really in love with each other?
11:48Was JFK not assassinated by Patton Oswalt?
11:52Oh, honey. Everyone knows it was Steve Harvey Oswalt.
11:55What about you, Lincoln? What's Harry's deal?
11:57Uh, he's great, too. Also, donates children to hospitals.
12:01Keep digging. There must be something.
12:03Is Thunder not God Bowling?
12:05Did David Bowie not really go live on a farm upstate?
12:09Is Andrea even Meachie?
12:13Ladies and gentlemen, what makes a name legal?
12:15Some people go by Jim, but are secretly named James.
12:19All that matters is that a name be recognized by the U.S. government.
12:24Bring him in, boys!
12:29Each address to Santa Claus.
12:31Therefore, the post office, a branch of the federal government,
12:34recognizes this man, Kris Kringle, to be the one and only Santa Claus.
12:39Well, I'm convinced. Mr. Gum, you're opening arguments.
12:44I want to tell you the story of another man.
12:47A man named Glem.
12:49Yellow.
12:50Glem recently received this mug, reading,
12:53World's Greatest Grandpa.
12:55Glem, are you the world's greatest grandpa?
12:57Nope.
12:58You see, ladies and gentlemen, just because something is written down
13:01doesn't make it true.
13:03Objection. Relevance. Anyone can buy a mug.
13:05Except that Glem received this particular mug during his time in federal prison.
13:10Also hand-delivered by a federal employee.
13:14Glem, what were you in for?
13:16I auctioned off my grandson's diary to foreign perverts.
13:21Do these sound like the actions of the world's greatest grandpa?
13:34Delivery from Monsieur Kris Kringle.
13:39I think Denver's gonna go all the way this year, unless they're bums.
13:42Then Baltimore will go all the way.
13:43Hey, delivery person, what are your sports opinions?
13:46Sorry, I don't watch mainstream sports because of the politics.
13:51Now that's an adult opinion!
14:02Insider trading? Illegitimate kids?
14:05A picture where he's eating Chinese food at a movie theater
14:08while holding a calendar that says December 25th?
14:11This is exactly the kind of dirt Uncle Lincoln needs!
14:14To destroy the magic of Santa for kids everywhere.
14:17Hey, wait a minute!
14:18Sports have always been inherently political!
14:51Uh, boo suede shoes!
14:54Thank boo! Thank boo very much!
14:56Another round for my best customers, who I love so much!
15:01Thanks, Mr. O'Raviolio.
15:03Alright guys, the trial started off well,
15:05but we really lost some ground in testimony.
15:08The best part about being Santa is bringing joy
15:11to children all over the world!
15:14The best part about being Santa is turning into an owl,
15:18so I can watch married women fold laundry!
15:22Okay, but have you seen a married woman fold laundry?
15:26I know that's right!
15:28Uh, Sheila, we could really use some magic here.
15:32Do you have anything?
15:33I know! You know how there's lots of suicides on Christmas?
15:35Maybe!
15:37Uh...
15:38Look, Lincoln, I'm trying my best,
15:41but Christmas magic is just too wholesome for me.
15:43Yup!
15:43I think I'm gonna bail on this being the thing I'm doing this week.
15:46What the hell, Sheila?
15:48Sorry!
15:48Hey, Glem, wanna go play Halloween pranks on Steve Nichols?
15:51Do I?
15:52Pranken's my middle name!
15:54Actually, Pranken, which is German for God has forsaken this child.
15:59Great.
16:00Glem and Sheila are off doing pranks,
16:02my investigator still believes in Santa,
16:04and I'm on my own.
16:05Again, can I have one employee who doesn't need babysitting?
16:09You want grown-ups?
16:11Fine!
16:11Irene, are you even allowed to be in here?
16:15Oh, why?
16:16Because I'm a naive kid, right?
16:19Well, I guess you don't need this naive kid's evidence.
16:22Starting now, I'm 100% adult.
16:25I'm gonna read free articles in the incognito window,
16:28listen to cutesy murder podcasts,
16:30and use GIFs when I text.
16:33Irene, no!
16:34Santa, how did you get into the science lab here at Boston Public?
16:39Wow, I am really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.
16:42Why, through the famous Boston Public chimney, of course.
16:48That's it, the general area.
16:52That's the story of the first time Adolf Hitler masturbated.
16:58No more questions, Your Honor.
17:02Okay, Harry, I know this case has been bumpy.
17:04How so?
17:05But I've got a plan.
17:06Watch.
17:07Your Honor, I call for a Santa off.
17:10Yeah, good idea.
17:13Oh, that's probably what we should have done to begin with.
17:15I'll allow it.
17:17T'was the night before Christmas
17:20when all through the castle
17:21my monsters were having a yuletide hassle.
17:25The tree was all trimmed in ghoulish things,
17:29like werewolf fangs and vampire wings.
17:32Oh, no!
17:34Oh, no!
17:37Didn't act like good monsters should.
17:40They found themselves a new prey.
17:43They planned to rob Santa's sleigh.
17:47They planned to rob Santa's sleigh.
17:47They were making a li-
17:48What are you guys doing up there?
17:50Lunch ended an hour ago.
17:52Everyone's waiting for you at the Santa off.
17:55They were up to no way.
17:58They planned to rob Santa's sleigh.
17:59Didn't act like good monsters should.
18:02They found themselves a new prey.
18:05They planned to rob Santa's sleigh.
18:09The mummy was to signal from the castle roof.
18:12The very first sound of a r-
18:16AAAAAAAAHHHHH!
18:24Is it me?
18:25Or are we the best pranksters on Earth?
18:28Right?
18:28But pranking Steve is like shooting fish in a barrel.
18:31I stopped going to that place a week after it opened.
18:33I know what you mean.
18:34It's almost like it's not even worth pranking.
18:39Unless you prank the very best.
18:43We tied the Santa off.
18:45It all comes down to closing arguments.
18:47I've got one last chance to save the case, my credibility, and whatever's left of Irene's childhood.
18:53Yeah.
18:54We were supposed to get away to Orlando one of these weekends, but you know Dennis.
18:59He has to watch his rugby.
19:02One sec.
19:03Why is my childhood crush calling me?
19:05Isaiah Dandridge from home-
19:07Ow!
19:07Ow!
19:08Ha!
19:08You fell for the old spring-loaded blade to cell phone and also childhood crush not actually calling trick.
19:15All right.
19:16Not bad, Glim.
19:17Say, you haven't touched your drink.
19:20Maybe I'll get a fresh one.
19:24Ha-ha!
19:25$3,000 injector seat prank, you rube!
19:27That drink was a red heron.
19:30Yup.
19:31Puffer fish toxin.
19:33Good sponsor for two, Mr. President.
19:40Mind if I join you?
19:42Mr. Kringle?
19:43I-I don't think we're supposed to be talking.
19:45Yes.
19:46Bit naughty of me, isn't it?
19:48I won't tell if you don't.
19:51Quite a show you put on today.
19:53Why are you wasting your talents defending that syphilitic burnout?
19:58Look, dude.
19:58Some lawyers get to pick their clients.
20:01I gotta work for whichever Santa will have me.
20:04Ho-ho-ho!
20:05Is that all?
20:06Well, anyone could be your client.
20:09What are you saying?
20:10You don't really believe in yourself, do you?
20:13All the hustling, the ambulance chasing,
20:16wondering if each job might be your last.
20:18Christmas Cole is looking for new in-house counsel.
20:21High six figures, corner office.
20:23All you have to do is the right thing.
20:26Are you trying to bribe me into throwing the case?
20:28I've shown you how the world works.
20:30There was no Santa until I made him real.
20:34Me.
20:34That's power.
20:36And that power can be a gift, Lincoln.
20:38To little boys who behave.
20:42Wow.
20:43Big ol' wow.
20:44Everything I told Irene about the shittiness of the adult world
20:47is because of guys like you.
20:50This city's kids deserve a better Santa.
20:53Irene deserves better.
20:55I don't know the people in your life.
20:57You sound just like Sheila.
20:58You know, Crimmins might be nuts,
21:00but at least he actually believes in something.
21:03And so do I.
21:04That I'm gonna kick your ass in court tomorrow.
21:06Merry Christmas, asshole.
21:08It's October 30th.
21:10Well, then happy Halloween, good sir.
21:15I feel like a new man, Harry.
21:17Did three ghosts visit you too?
21:19No, but I'm ready to give a passionate closing argument
21:22that will win over that jury and make you Santa.
21:25Great!
21:26Love your energy.
21:27Except, instead, I'm gonna give my own closing argument.
21:30What?
21:31But, but we'll lose.
21:32I'll lose.
21:33Irene will fully commit to this boring millennial adult shtick she's doing.
21:39Lincoln, you took this case because you didn't believe in yourself or Santa.
21:44But you kept going because, deep down, you knew there is magic in this world.
21:48And that's worth fighting for.
21:50All I'm asking for is one more leap.
21:55For anyone in this courtroom who still doesn't believe,
21:59Mr. Crimmins, I mean Santa Claus, will give his own closing statement.
22:06I owe your honor an apology.
22:09There was a gift you wanted, wasn't there?
22:11Something very special.
22:13One Christmas you looked under the tree and it wasn't there.
22:17You haven't believed in me since.
22:19Well, I was rummaging through my workshop and I found something I'd like to give you before you make your
22:26decision.
22:27Something I should have given you all those Christmases ago.
22:37It can be. It's impossible. Here it is. The very gift I always wanted. $30,000.
22:47What?
22:48And if the jurors will please look under their chairs, I believe they'll find some gifts as well.
22:54Sorry, they're a little late.
22:58$25,000!
23:00$18,000!
23:02$40,000?!
23:04Oh, Santa, you really did get my letter. You really, truly did.
23:08Your honor, only the real Santa could know the gifts that all these people secretly wanted.
23:13Agree!
23:13Jury, you agree. Great.
23:15This court rules in favor of Mr. Crimmins, Nevada's one and only Santa Claus.
23:20We object. This is open bribery.
23:23Oh, spoken like a true Scrooge.
23:25Mr. Kringle, you are dismissed.
23:33Hello, everybody. Okay, okay, calm down.
23:36Well, today, I, George Wallace, mayor of Las Vegas, I greet Harry Crimmins, a.k.a. Santa Claus, the key
23:44to the city.
23:46This, of course, represents the smaller, real key to the city, the real key to the city.
23:50Harry and his duties as Santa Claus can use to enter any of our houses at any time.
23:56I'm gonna get real weird with it, too.
23:59Vegas Santa says, give Daddy a bowl of your tea.
24:02Ah-woo-woo-woo! Ha-ha!
24:05Huh. Didn't know I was helping with that part.
24:07Sorry, Irene. There's nothing stupid about believing in things.
24:10I know. In fact, you prove Santa is real.
24:13And he's a freak. Ha-ha-ha-ha! The world is full of magic.
24:17Just in a gross-enough-putting way.
24:19Welcome to being a grown-up.
24:22Hey, Chris, for what it's worth, you really do look just like Santa.
24:26Fuck you, Lincoln Gum. I am Santa.
24:30Nevada can kiss my bowl full of jelly ass!
24:34Hyah!
24:40Goodbye, Santa! Goodbye, Lord Kong!
24:44Hey, what's wrong with Glem?
24:45Oh, he's up to his tits on peyote.
24:50What about that dude? Is he okay?
24:55Probably not.
24:56Anyway, now to drop Glem off at Vegas' scariest haunted house.
25:00Happy Halloween from the Bride of Frankenstein!
25:03Oh, yeah. It's Halloween.
25:05Pretty unsatisfying how I've been focusing on Christmas all week.
25:08Oh, well.
25:11Trick or treat!
25:12Sorry, I don't have any candy.
25:14Glem Blotchman sends his regards!
25:19They were up to no good.
25:22You didn't act like good ones, are you sure?
25:26I found these holes in it.
26:02Aren't you totally gone up?
26:04Can you see me already?
26:05I had never done too much.
26:05I had never had an opportunity for those holes in it.
26:05You made a ten-fletcher.
26:07I'm not a no-ические video.
26:08I have none, if not.
26:08I think that was a big deal.
26:08I did not buy them too.
26:14I'm not a guy.
26:15Chirp.
27:14Chirp.
27:21Chirp.
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