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00:0910 years ago, during a routine appendix removal, four-year-old Dilterton Timble briefly died
00:16on the operating table and went to heaven.
00:19Then, a miracle happened.
00:23He came back.
00:26Ladies and gentlemen, let's get some applause that we'll hear in heaven for Dilterton Timble!
00:37Ladies and gentlemen, heaven is real!
00:43Now, who wants to hear about God's car?
00:47Will my dog be in heaven?
00:50Yes.
00:51Everybody's dog is in heaven, even Hitler's.
00:54And dogs can have chocolate in heaven.
00:58I knew it!
00:59Do I have to stay old in heaven?
01:02No, no.
01:04Everybody in heaven is a certified barstool smoke show.
01:07I'm talking barely legal dime pieces.
01:10I'm sorry, but no matter the luxuries,
01:13wouldn't eternal consciousness eventually become a prolonged form of torture due to the fact...
01:18In heaven, you can fly everywhere you want,
01:20and broccoli tastes like Jack Daniel's barbecue ribs.
01:24Dad shut me up.
01:26I'm all right.
01:27Before I leave, I want to bring out my best friend, my dad!
01:33Hello, believers.
01:35You know, I'm so proud of this kid
01:37for bringing the truth of heaven, which he saw, to millions.
01:42But due to the nefarious influence of walkable cities,
01:47attendance is down.
01:48They're trying to hide the truth of heaven from you.
01:53Worry not!
01:54For the 10th anniversary of Diltreton's fateful trip to heaven,
01:58we've scheduled an unnecessary and risky operation
02:02so that Diltreton can die again
02:05and learn even more facts about heaven.
02:09Now, let's hear it for the Hologram Heaven All-Star Band.
02:19Oh, baby, that's what I like!
02:22Thank you!
02:25Oh, baby, that's what I like!
02:28Oh, that's what I like!
02:36Yeah, baby, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama!
02:39It's a whole lot of peace of work!
02:42And then it's red hot now!
02:44Whine, whine, whine, dan, whine, dan, whine, whine, dan
02:52Come all along and jump
02:54You know I love you, baby
02:57Stop!
03:00I love you, sir
03:07Oh, that was the worst bankruptcy hearing ever
03:10Aw, cheer up
03:12Your dirt bike almost made it over the lube pit
03:14Can we have one case that doesn't spiral out of control?
03:20The other day a bone fell out of my body, completely dry
03:24Hey, uh, I found this lady crying in the lobby
03:26Her name's Deborah Timble, she wants a divorce
03:29Yes, divorce, a nice, normal family case
03:33Also, hello, I'm sorry for your times
03:35I need to get custody of my son
03:37He's being pressured by his father into suicide for the church
03:40Uh-oh
03:41Oof-a-rino
03:43That's galahoyt
03:44Guys, please
03:45Sorry for them, ma'am
03:47Anyway, what crazy thing were you saying?
03:49My son, Dilderton Timble, the boy who saw heaven
03:52Oh, that's the kid who told me about God's car
03:55It's really fast
03:56This whole thing's gone way too far
03:58I just said I want normal cases
04:01I know you weren't in the room, but still
04:03Anyway, we can't
04:05Say no, lady, you're in business
04:07Sheila, sidebar
04:08Do you have any idea what kind of a media firestorm, a religious...
04:13I know this kid
04:15I've been this kid
04:16I know what it means to escape a repressive childhood
04:25This is going to age perfectly
04:27You're next, Tower Seven
04:29No
04:30We don't believe in that kind of thing in this household
04:33That's what we believe in
04:37You're unbelievable
04:38Now you see why we have to do this?
04:41No, but I don't have the remaining life force to argue with you
04:45Sheila wins again
04:46Okay, Mrs. Timble, we're going to do a classic, normal, shenanigan-free divorce
04:51This is, of course, Sheila, my magical co-counsel in charge of spectacle
04:56Abracadazzle!
04:57It's hell across, and I'm Satan!
05:00Okay, first off, I do a big magic trick disproving his heaven story and also the existence of God
05:05No! Divorce case!
05:07We did Santa, we're not doing God, it's repetitive
05:11The best way to get custody is for Dilterton to choose Deborah over Trent
05:16Okay, well, maybe I can get him to reject his toxic controlling dad, classic honey boy
05:21Ah, perfect current movie reference
05:23Irene, you're a teen, kind of
05:26Help Sheila varsity blues the honey boy
05:28Now what about Glim? What does he do to the honey baby?
05:33Stay here in case something more important happens
05:36Got it!
05:38Well, there he is
05:40Kevin, the new paralegal, the hotshot
05:45Look at him, planning my destruction
05:47Let's show him you're the cool bad boy around here
05:51Okay, who's a cool bad boy?
05:53Of course!
05:54Bart Simpson, okay, great
05:55And what cool things does Bart do?
05:57Uh, all I remember is his dad Homer chokes him all the time
06:00Also in the movies they show his penis
06:02Anything else? Nope? Okay
06:05I'm sorry, what's happening?
06:08My dad chokes me!
06:10Oh great, Monstere
06:13He's so friggin' wholesome
06:16Oh, hello
06:17You know the law can be a scary place where no one cares for wholesome things
06:23Things like lemonade or limeade or the truth
06:27Well, I do
06:28My name is pronounced Matt Monstere
06:34Grandpa Monstere? Is it true that just because someone looks a little like a ghoul that doesn't mean they're evil?
06:40Right, honey boy
06:42Lucky that's not a problem for me, though
06:45Stare down injustice at the law offices of Monstere and Vion
06:52We are Cajun, you see
06:55Your Honor, my client is citing irreconcilable separation, interference of visitation, and
07:01God doesn't want this divorce to happen!
07:04He wants Dilterton spreading the word
07:06Jesus, already?
07:07Jesus, always
07:09Your Honor, we would like to submit into evidence this early video of Dilterton's show
07:15Objection, Your Honor, relevance
07:17This is a divorce case
07:18Nope
07:19My joie de vivre and adult ADHD cut both ways, Mr. Gum
07:23Overruled
07:24We're watching a movie!
07:26Go ahead, Dilterton
07:28Tell them what you saw
07:29Um, Batman was there
07:31And he was shooting the bad guys
07:34And the bad guys got dead
07:36Dilterton means that God is like Batman
07:39Because he believes in justice
07:41And the Minions
07:43And the Pikachu
07:44And?
07:45Uh, and God said in Heaven
07:48Families are together forever
07:53Please, that's clearly a video of a man brainwashing his child
07:57Not if the boy is telling the truth about God
08:01Which he's not
08:02Prove it!
08:03Oh my God, it's happening?
08:04Your Honor, this is a divorce case
08:07Sorry, dude, seems like if you want custody you gotta do something pretty huge
08:12Fuck you, Sheila
08:13I submit to the court that God doesn't exist
08:16Yes!
08:19Again, God said Heaven points can be redeemed at an angel center
08:23But you get triple cloud spins if you activate them with Saint Chips
08:27But they do not transfer into...
08:30What's the plan here?
08:31I'm looking for a weakness
08:31Hmm, what turned me against my parents?
08:35You're unbelievable!
08:40Spike Radisson?
08:46No, Sheila!
08:48Forget it, Sheila Senior
08:49That kid is just too damn cool
08:53You're unbelievable
08:54Worse
08:55The key to rebellion is a cool older kid
08:57But where will I find one of those?
09:00Sorry, what?
09:01I was busy doing switchblade tricks
09:04Bad show?
09:06Nah, you'll get them next time
09:07What?
09:08Okay, come on, I killed
09:09Who are you?
09:11Who, me?
09:12I'm nose rings, buddy
09:14I'm R-rated movies and saying the word sucks
09:17I'm the goaded life you could have if you reject all this crap
09:19Thank you, cool stranger
09:21But you describe an empty husk of shallow pleasures
09:24As Ezekiel said at the well of Damascus
09:26Honor thy father and all authority
09:28Yea, as the blue lives shall ever matter
09:31I pray that you find a similar piece
09:33But I'm cool
09:35And what else?
09:37You said this would be a simple case
09:40Now I don't get my son back unless you prove God's not real
09:44Look, I didn't ask for this, lady
09:46All that matters now is that we don't let this spiral into some big media circus
09:51Margo Wahlberger, what happens in Vegas
09:54Mr. Gum, is it true you've called for the head of the Pope?
09:57I think religion can bring meaning to some people's lives
10:03Ugh, Mr. O'Raviolio, can you please turn the TV to literally anything else?
10:08Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
10:10You atheist, the devil worshipper!
10:12Pah!
10:12I may swing wildly between being Irish and Italian
10:15But either way, I'm a humorless Catholic
10:18Now get out!
10:19You know what?
10:20Fine, I tried to do it normal this time
10:22I really did
10:23You want a godless villain?
10:25You've got one
10:28Okay, the Bart Simpson gambit didn't go so great
10:31No way to see that coming
10:32What else are people impressed by?
10:35See, of course, dating
10:36I'll just introduce him to my girlfriend
10:39Say, Kevin
10:41Have you met my girlfriend?
10:44Mrs. Married Woman, that's good
10:46Now, to complete the surname
10:49Doubt Blu-Ray?
10:51Mrs. Doubt Blu-Ray?
10:53She's coming by to pick up this bag of shredder trimmings
10:56And this pantsuit from Sheila's Dry Cleaning
10:59And this red makeup that she loaned Irene
11:03Why, I think I hear her coming now
11:07Oh, God! My eyes!
11:10It's been going into my brain!
11:12My memories are turning red!
11:14Ah!
11:19Poor kid
11:20If cool kids can't save them, what can?
11:28Whip it!
11:29So sophisticated and adult
11:33Being a magician is a good career choice
11:36You're unbelievable
11:37Of course! I'm a genius
11:39It wasn't the cool kids, it was the cool drugs
11:45Oh, hey, bucko
11:47Want an edible?
11:48These things make you feel amazing
11:51And also like you're in trouble
11:54No, thank you
11:55No, thank you!
11:57What's wrong with you, kid?
11:58These are free drugs we're trying to give you
12:01God's on it
12:03I call to the stand, Reverend White
12:06Reverend, could God create a boulder so big
12:09Even he couldn't move it?
12:11Of course he could
12:12Well then
12:14He's not exactly all-powerful
12:17If he can't move the boulder, is he?
12:20He isn't
12:21He can't
12:22How do you know the forbidding question?
12:26For my next witness, I call to the stand
12:28A flying spaghetti unicorn monster
12:32No!
12:34That was great
12:35We might actually win this
12:37Yeah, another 300 years of intense religious debate
12:40And we might just win this custody hearing
12:42Here we go
12:44Lincoln Gum, Terry Gross, National Public Radio
12:49How does it feel to be the newest liberal firebrand
12:52A la Clarence Dero, Gloria, Steinem, or Moo Moo
12:56The whale who drowns millionaires
12:58Elite liberal firebrand?
13:01Moi?
13:03Terry Nasty
13:05Terry Gross' Disgusting Alter Ego
13:07National Pubic Radio
13:10How's it feel to be the most dope-ass turd
13:13With the biggest dick at the piss party?
13:14Uh, yeah, I think I'm gonna like being an atheist
13:18You're unbelievable
13:19I just have a hard time believing in an old man with a beard
13:24Who lives in the clouds
13:25What powers the house? Lightning?
13:28Probably
13:29I'm like a gum atheist lawyer
13:33A-M-A
13:37Toads
13:42Of course religion has its place in gospel music and Star Wars
13:47But I have a message for anybody with faith in their hearts
13:51Do try to keep up, the adults are talking
13:55That's the funniest thing I've ever heard
13:58And I'm married to John Krasinski
14:00You're unbelievable
14:01My heaven question is
14:03Can terrible no-god-man Lincoln Gum ever get into heaven?
14:08No, right?
14:09Well, God preaches forgiveness
14:10Due to Mr. Gum's ongoing lawsuit
14:13We legally cannot answer any questions about God or heaven or the Bible
14:19But rest assured, we're gonna win
14:22And my son will once again climb the stairway to heaven
14:27When he buys
14:29One ticket to paradise
14:32Of course
14:33We've been overthinking it
14:34Nothing can touch the high of basic adolescent rebellion against a crappy parent
14:38And this guy sucks
14:39Every kid wants to tell adults to go to hell
14:42Yeah, you're right
14:44Hey, Sheila, go to hell, you butt queen
14:46Butt queen
14:49How did I not win MTV Spring Break, Butt Queen 98?
14:55Okay, I'm gonna just be real with him
14:57Bye
14:58Caduce, look at my perfect butt
15:03Back in a second, big man
15:08Hello again
15:09Where are your, uh, cool clothes?
15:12I got rid of the costume
15:13Did you?
15:14Look, I know you've been on to me from the start
15:17I just legit think your dad sucks and should go to hell
15:19Which, I get it
15:21Mine does too
15:21You don't need to die over it
15:23He is what he is
15:25I am just lucky to have another, more caring father watching out for me
15:29Damn, you really aren't scared
15:30Yea, though I walk through the shadow of the valley
15:33I am open carrying and shalt stand mine ground
15:36And Irene, for what it's worth, my dad does suck and will go to hell
15:40One ticket to paradise
15:44God bless you, Irene
15:45In another life, you might have made a good wife for me
15:48Yo, what?
15:52He's uncorruptible
15:53Oh!
15:54I just saw a rat get hit with a car and not explode
15:57Your Honor, for my last witness
15:59I'd like to call Dilterton Timble to the stand
16:04Tell me, Dilterton, since you seem to have all the answers
16:07If God is real, why doesn't he just strike me down?
16:11Uh, well, he's a God of peace
16:13Shut up and admit it, God's not real
16:16I'm the king of atheists
16:18I can taunt stupid God all I want and nothing
16:23Ow!
16:24Objection!
16:25He attacked me!
16:26Your Honor, since God is busy protecting the troops
16:29He sent me to strike this man down
16:33Overruled!
16:34Checkmate atheist!
16:35Boy, oh boy!
16:36I cannot wait to email this story to my extended family who do not talk to me
16:41I don't have all the answers
16:43God does
16:44That's why I need to die and go get them
16:47Otherwise, God's plan is unknowable
16:49That's convenient
16:50No, it's inconvenient
16:52The hardest thing God asks of his children is to have faith while he appears absent
16:57And throughout centuries of silence, billions still believe
16:59You know, your mom is in heaven, Lincoln
17:01Are you saying you don't believe in that?
17:08This is so awesome
17:10I don't believe in God
17:12I believe I'll drive
17:14This kid's a freak
17:15It's true
17:16We can't crack him
17:17It's up to you to win in court
17:18I can't
17:20He beat me
17:20It's over
17:21I'm having a crisis of non-faith
17:24God is real and he hates me
17:28Hey, take it outside, pal
17:40I'm just saying, what's the point of doing anything if there's an eternal paradise awaiting us ruled by a supreme
17:47being who loves us unconditionally?
17:50Oh, this again
17:51You know, everyone's so hung up on heaven and hell
17:54Well, yeah
17:55Look, dude, there's probably no afterlife
17:58I mean, think about it
18:00You'd get bored of torturing someone who betrayed you like after four days, right?
18:04And God is way smarter than you
18:06I was a gifted kid
18:08And at the same time, would you want to spend all eternity with people who dedicated their lives to you?
18:14It'd be horrible
18:15Have you seen a Q&A with a director?
18:18My God
18:19If the afterlife mattered, why would we even be here?
18:23God probably wants you to care about the sound of a dog's laugh or like the people you meet in
18:29life or some dumb crap like that
18:31The people we meet in life like Sheila, you're right. She's way more important than God. Thanks father
18:42Yes, Mr. Pope
18:45Fired
18:46Sheila, you were right from the beginning. I know what we have to do
18:51Destroy Dilderton Timbal to save him
18:54To save him
18:55Deborah, are you okay with us tearing this all down?
18:57Anything to save my son
18:59Then Sheila, you think you can do a big stupid atheist trick to disprove God?
19:04Duh
19:04Lincoln, I need a car battery
19:06Irene, I need you to dig up a ton of dirt on the following people
19:10Faith is a deeply personal thing
19:12And who am I to tell anybody what faith they may or may not pursue?
19:18Me, that's who
19:19Hit it, Sheila
19:23Why can you see my skeleton?
19:29This woman is dead
19:31But check this shit out
19:35I just spent 20 seconds in heaven and it's nothing like Dilderton described it
19:39There's no golden throne, there's no chalices of mountain dew coat heaven
19:43You have no proof
19:46Haven't I?
19:47Juror number four
19:48Your twin was there
19:49The one that was absorbed in the womb
19:51And she's pissed
19:53Juror number nine
19:54Your childhood dog, Buckles, was up there
19:56He saw you going to bed without brushing your teeth
19:58It was the perfect crime
19:59Oh, please
20:00This proves nothing
20:01Oh, God had a lot to say about you
20:04Said he'd never met you
20:05But that just seemed like a real virgin
20:07And that your story is
20:09Unbelievable
20:10Whoa!
20:12The boss did the last murder of the gun
20:15Lincoln Gum is a lying agent of Satan
20:19What?
20:20He seduced me away from the church with promises of sexual ecstasy and his vast reserves of atheist gold
20:28Deborah, what the hell are you doing? We were winning
20:30Oh, your little stunt, learning the jury's secrets to fake a God encounter, was enough to snap me back to
20:38my senses
20:39Because you hate God
20:41That's not true
20:42I don't hate God
20:44Stenographer
20:45Read back a quote of Lincoln's at random
20:47I hate God so much
20:49Lincoln Gum number one God hater supreme
20:51That shouldn't count
20:53That was from earlier
20:54I've heard enough
20:55Divorce dismissed
20:56God is real
20:58Dilterton
20:59When you see him
21:00Please tell him I said
21:01What's up?
21:03Yes, sir
21:04So this was all for nothing?
21:06Uh, hey
21:07It's not all bad
21:08At least you were able to get over your fundamentalist upbringing
21:10Fundamentalist upbringing?
21:12What the hell are you talking about?
21:24You're unbelievable
21:25My parents didn't want me to be a Christian
21:27They wanted me to be a boring lab technician with a 401k
21:31But your memories
21:32I was having those privately
21:34Okay, Glenn
21:35It's time to pull out all the stops
21:37How old is Kevin?
21:3920s?
21:40Why young people like
21:42The woke culture
21:44You'll need to do something so unbelievably woke
21:46That they'll be writing about it in the history books for years
21:49And one and two and you know what to do
22:01Hey, I know I'm a demon
22:03I just have some paperwork I need you to sign
22:06You got a lot of nerve coming in here
22:08Leave us
22:11God says have a seat
22:14You played your part beautifully, Lincoln
22:16I was right to pick you
22:17But your parents
22:18They do as they're told
22:21God says I called the shots in this family
22:23And I say it's time for a movie
22:25Wait, what are you talking about?
22:28True immortality
22:30The silver screen
22:32Bofo box office
22:33But to get that I needed a good story
22:36A true story
22:38One of
22:39An evil lawyer
22:40Trying to
22:41I don't know
22:41Prove in a court of law
22:43That there's no God
22:45I
22:46But
22:46You gave yourself over to the role of liberal boogeyman
22:49So easily
22:51Don't you see?
22:52When there was one set of footprints
22:53That's when I was directing you
22:56No matter who's waiting after we die
22:58I'm your god, Lincoln Gum
23:00Now leave me
23:01I just found out about jacking off
23:07God told me he needs me to tell people what I saw in heaven
23:11His throne
23:12The Camaro
23:13All of it
23:14Just be brave, son
23:16The world hates people like us
23:18People who believe
23:19And they'll fight us with everything they've got
23:22Your honor, the evidence is clear
23:24The boy is lying
23:27God is dead
23:28I miss mom
23:30We'll get her back
23:32With faith
23:33In heaven
23:34I played paintball with Princess Diana
23:35Yeah
23:39But I don't wanna get divorced
23:41What, you think God's gonna be mad at you?
23:43No, I used to be like you
23:45And then God killed my mom
23:46And put chemical burns all over my penis
23:49Why would God do something like that
23:51If she was real?
23:53Family is all that matters
23:55Stop!
23:56All that matters is making everyone as miserable as me
23:59Lincoln Gum
24:01Right, Glenn?
24:02Hot clams
24:04Hot clams
24:05Oh my god
24:05Can you read that?
24:08Please don't stop
24:19Why don't you say under oath what we all already know, Dilderton?
24:24God doesn't even reel
24:26No
24:27I won't say that
24:29I'll never say that
24:31Because God does reel
24:34God does reel
24:37Rated PG for Praise God
24:38Guiding soon to a theater near God
24:41Feels like I should fight this?
24:43Telegram
24:43Royalty check for Lincoln Gum
24:45For ten million dollars
24:46The film will give the people hope
24:48Wait, wasn't this all to stop that kid from killing himself on stage?
24:52That was a con to sell a movie
24:54I'm sure he's somewhere laughing at us
24:58Dilderton Timbal is with God
25:01He'll be right back any second
25:05Right, Doc?
25:07Keep your seats, everyone
25:11Any second now
25:15Goodbye, baby!
25:17Not now, the big bopper
25:19Not now, the big bopper
25:47Where do you see it?
26:05Chirps
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