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00:12So, in summary, at 1 a.m., you saw my client leave the erotic buffet, he recognized you,
00:20approached, and proceeded to tell you that you, quote, made him crazy horny, and that
00:28was when you heard the scream and saw at the end of the block that a different man was
00:34in fact throwing up into a baby carriage containing the plaintiff's baby next to two performers
00:39dressed like Elmo's and one as, quote, that one guy from Michael Clayton. I think his name was
00:46Michael Clayton. Is that an accurate recounting of events? And before you answer, please say yes or no,
00:52not... Yeah, baby! That retelling of the incident in question makes me horny, baby.
00:58Therefore, my client couldn't have been the one to...
01:05The one who threw up on the plaintiff's baby.
01:08Yeah! Don't you dare say yeah, baby.
01:10Yeah, baby!
01:13Lions are covered in the spread.
01:16Your Honor, can you at least tell the jurors to stop yelling and looking at their phones?
01:24Oh, the jury will stop doing whatever he said.
01:28Juror number eight, could you put away your phone?
01:30I object! It's not a phone!
01:33Whoa! Where'd you get that?
01:35Uh, no further questions.
01:37Uh-huh. Yeah, great.
01:38Closing arguments!
01:42Uh, for the record, that also makes me horny.
01:47Baby.
01:48Ugh.
01:48Hein, aguina dumand ming-bing, dic-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di?
01:51гол!
01:51Uh, gub!
01:52Baa!
01:53J-J-J-J-J brokenê±°ë“ ìš”.
01:55Can you remember it!
01:57Come on and go on it!
01:58All right now.
02:00You-Y-M-Do
02:01Took a lead-in-mo-mo-mo-mo-mo-mo-mo!
02:02It's a whole new easy word.
02:04Get honest, let's go now!
02:07Pwang.
02:08Wang.
02:09Wandang.
02:09Wandang Wandang.
02:10Wandang.
02:11Can't crush you!
02:12Doesn't he be a man-o!
02:14Gaming.
02:15Guam.
02:16Come on a monitor!
02:17You know I love you, baby
02:19Stop!
02:21Yeah!
02:23I love you, too
02:30We're not only not gonna settle, we're gonna counter sue for their kids' college bump
02:36They've hired Nickels and Gum
02:38Hmm
02:46Tell them we'll settle
02:47Call Nickels and Gum
02:49We'll win one for the little guy
02:51Nickels and Gum are the two things in your pocket
02:54And the freedom from the pocket of the law
02:58That's how it used to be
02:59But now, my partner, Marsha Gum, she's dead
03:03Dead!
03:04But is my practice dead?
03:05Hell no!
03:06That's why I'm making us more efficient
03:08By firing my dead partner's son, Lincoln Gum
03:11Fire!
03:11He sucks!
03:12Plus, I've always hated him
03:13And guess what, Las Vegas?
03:14This commercial is how he's finding out
03:18So, say goodbye to Lincoln
03:20And hello to a big cash settlement
03:21At the new-look law firm of Steve Nickels and Associates
03:25He's right, Lincoln Gum
03:26You know, I wish he'd quit airing that ad
03:29It's been six months
03:30Yeah, but it's so funny
03:32They've hired you right after Grandma Marsha died
03:34That's brutal
03:34Shut up, Irene
03:36Go to school
03:36No!
03:37They fear my power
03:38Why don't you just take him to court?
03:41Hit him with the old seskatoon horse trade
03:43You see, you just hire the saddest woman you can find
03:46Then you tell the jury she's got scurvy
03:49And was this the legendary Glenn Blurchman move that got you disbarred?
03:53You know that's from when I stabbed that guy
03:55Try some compassion
03:57Okay, well, since we have no clients and I'm a failure
04:00I'll be in my office listening to Dave Matthews' band and googling pictures of coffins
04:04Come on, Unky Link Link
04:06We can't be that bad
04:07We're out of money
04:09I've destroyed my mom's legacy
04:11We're gonna lose the firm
04:13Glenn is gonna have to go live on that weird millionaire's boat again
04:16The SS Pain Palace wasn't so bad
04:18Decent food and a bed
04:20And all I had to do was fight other desperate men
04:22For the privilege of seeing another sunrise
04:25And without this job, Irene's gonna fall into a bad crowd
04:28She has absolutely zero sense of what's good for her
04:31That's not true!
04:32Hey, Glenn, does Palace have one L or two?
04:34Lincoln, Lincoln, the firm's not gonna close!
04:37Why, you've been letting a lot of clients slide
04:39How about me and Irene go round up what we're owed
04:43And you can win whatever case this wet hunk of beef brings us
04:47Hi, I'm Barry Chandelier
04:49Here's the Lincoln Gum
04:50I've been here the whole time
04:52I can't pay you
04:54Your mom took me on pro bono
04:56But then, you know, that big truck hit her in your head
04:58She passed away
04:59Yeah
05:00I've been calling, but that scary girl at the front desk kept threatening me?
05:04Yep, she'll do that
05:05She's a surprisingly good investigator, though
05:08Okay, well, my court date is tomorrow
05:10What? Tomorrow?
05:12Okay, that's, like, really bad
05:14But actually, whatever
05:16It's not like I have anything else going on
05:19So let's start at the beginning
05:20What's the story?
05:23Okay, so...
05:24Ladies, ladies, gay and bi dudes
05:27And everyone else
05:28Sexuality is a spectrum
05:29Spectrum!
05:31Why don't you take the party on over to the Brushfire Club
05:34Where we've got the studliest hunks
05:36This side of the studenental divide
05:39Tom Wanks
05:40Rodrigo Vesuvius
05:42Angry Christopher
05:43Barry Chandelier
05:45Mr. Ass
05:46Lord Gringlesby
05:47And Lunchmeat
05:49Are all waiting for you
05:50Waiting?
05:52These scared young men
05:54Are willing to do anything
05:56Especially on Friday nights
05:58When for only $50
05:59These oinky pig boys will
06:01Eat the customer's car keys?
06:03Eat the customer's car keys
06:05And people like that?
06:07Oh, yeah
06:07It drives everyone crazy
06:09When me and the boys chow down on their fobs
06:11But it's making us sick
06:13And the contracts specifically allow
06:15With all this crazy legal ease
06:17See?
06:18We can hurt you however we want
06:20And you'll beg for more
06:21Seems needlessly mean
06:23Look, truth is
06:24The law isn't really on the side of the sex workers
06:28You mean like how it's illegal for us
06:30Not to give some of her hair to anyone who asks
06:32Yep
06:32And who is representing the club?
06:35Well, you know him?
06:37Steve Nichols
06:39Steve Nichols
06:40I figure you most hate that guy
06:42After he fired you
06:44When your mom's head
06:45Passed away
06:46Nichols and gum
06:48Are two things in your pocket
06:51Okay, well
06:52I figure you probably got a lot of work to do
06:54So if that's all
06:55I'll see you tomorrow
06:56Tell free you
07:00Tell free you
07:02Just so you know
07:04The firm is throwing our full weight behind your case
07:07Well, that's reassuring
07:08I know how classy and professional this organization is
07:11You bet your ass
07:12I've used my juice to get a lot of media coverage on this case
07:16The news is having a field day
07:18They're calling it stripper eat keys even though don't want to gate
07:21Well, free publicity never killed no dogs
07:24Ah, yes, that old saying
07:26Anyway, I want you to know this case is personal to me
07:29If Lincoln gum is stupid enough to step into court against me
07:32While the news is watching
07:33I'll wipe him off the damn map
07:36Ooh
07:37It's almost time for dessert
07:39The other naked food lady was booked
07:41But this dog is also naked
07:43If you think about it
07:44Wow, yeah
07:46Touché
07:52Well, Mom
07:53I'm a disgrace to your legacy
07:56You sure are
07:57Which is why now I live in hell
08:00Eating bugs
08:02But, Mom
08:03It turns out
08:04Instead of a toilet in hell
08:06We have to use a hot little volcano
08:08It hurts
08:10Okay, Mom
08:11I think I'm gonna go get drunk
08:12Wait, no
08:13Don't leave me here
08:16Night, Dennis
08:17Good night, Larkin
08:19Hey, man, I still want you
08:27Juror number eight
08:28All right, keep up, folks
08:30This ain't one of your Iowa corn-licking festivals
08:32We move fast out here
08:34Was this your card?
08:36Nope
08:37Look closer
08:40Also, check your wife's phone
08:42She's cheating on you
08:43Hot damn
08:44Hot damn, that's amazing
08:45When did you even write that?
08:48Now I gotta go
08:49Come on, Darlene
08:51All right
08:52There's no cops around
08:53Which means it's time for my big finale
08:56Ma'am, remember when we first started?
08:59I asked you to pick a card out of this deck
09:00You remember it, right?
09:01It was
09:02Kind of the main thing here is you don't tell me
09:04Anyway, I already know
09:06It's the king
09:07King of clubs
09:08So that's the trick
09:10Kind of disappointing, right?
09:12But here's the thing
09:13I hate kings
09:18Always have
09:25You, where'd the bullets stop?
09:28See?
09:29That's the thing about kings
09:31The whole deck is stacked
09:33To keep them from getting hurt
09:37Damn, juror number eight
09:39Well, maybe Rodney's better than me
09:41Because he doesn't have to deal
09:42With the stress of running
09:44America's fifth biggest baby shoe company
09:47Rodney's baby shoe company
09:49Is the third biggest
09:51Exactly
09:52First on the list
09:53Bob Henderson
09:54Actually, it's Bob Henderson Toyota
09:57Changed his name to match his dealership
09:59But he didn't quite think it through
10:01What, you didn't investigate this guy's case?
10:03Nope
10:03I was at deadlift camp that week
10:05Hey, yeah
10:06What do your parents think you're doing all day anyway?
10:09I don't know
10:10Stuff?
10:10I guess at school
10:11Or interning for Uncle Link
10:12Or just kind of at large
10:14They don't even know that I graduated three years early
10:16Hot clams
10:17Sometimes I should have been learning the grift from you
10:19Not teaching it
10:20No way
10:21Where else would I learn cool slang like hot clams?
10:23Ow
10:24So Bob still owes us?
10:25What do we do for this guy?
10:26Eh, we helped him settle a lawsuit
10:28Come on down to Bob Henderson Toyota Toyota
10:31Where if you can find a better deal on a Toyota
10:34You can kill me
10:36Oh, Glim
10:37Large girl
10:39How's it going?
10:40How it's going is we need the money you owe us
10:43Yours was even one of the cases we won
10:45Sort of
10:45Talked your customer down to a maiming
10:48Well, the thing is that
10:49No!
10:50No more violence
10:51I'll go get your money
10:53That'll do, Hulk
10:55Wow, 30 bucks
10:57I can't wait to buy a low-quality jacket 15 years ago
11:01That trick was kind of stupid and reckless
11:03But also really amazing
11:05Well, that's what plays here
11:07You can keep it
11:08I know you
11:09You're juror number eight
11:11Oh, lawyer guy
11:12Sorry, I was awake for very little of that trial
11:15Neat
11:16I'm Lincoln Gum
11:17Sheila Flambe
11:20Magician
11:21And three-year all-county sex champion
11:24Look, I was sure I had that case wrapped up
11:26But I lost
11:27How about I buy you a drink
11:29And tell me where I went wrong
11:30Well, I won't say no to a free drink
11:33But I warn you
11:34I'm not a very critical person
11:36And not only is your voice annoying
11:37When you're trying to sound smart
11:38You are boring as hell
11:40The whole trial
11:41I felt like I was at a funeral for saltine crackers
11:44Hey
11:44I bet a lot of people would be sad
11:46If saltine crackers died
11:49Peanut butter for one
11:50You don't get it, Lincoln
11:51You're not a New York lawyer
11:53Or even an Orlando lawyer
11:55You're a Vegas lawyer
11:56But you think you're better than Vegas
11:58I am better than Vegas
12:00I mean, look at that guy
12:02Hey
12:02I have feelings
12:04You know
12:05You're even ruder than all those bus drivers I murdered
12:08Let me show you what Vegas is all about
12:11You know what?
12:12Who cares?
12:13No matter what I do
12:15Mom's still gonna be on the volcano toilet
12:17Volcano toilet?
12:18Barkeep, two shots of your sweetest, cheapest, most neon-colored liquor
12:26What is this?
12:27And why was there a picture of the Unabomber on the bottle?
12:30You're already asking the wrong questions
12:32And now to hit the jukebox with some music that screams
12:36Wild Night Out in Las Vegas
12:42Egbert
12:43What?
12:44It's a fun song from a show everyone can enjoy
12:47Whatever
12:48Let's drink
12:51It's such a crude attitude
12:53It's back where it belongs
12:56All the little chicks with the crimson lips
13:00Go Cleveland rocks, Cleveland rocks
13:04Living in sin where the safety pin go
13:07Cleveland rocks, Cleveland rocks, Cleveland rocks
13:13Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland Rocks.
13:26All the little kids going fast, Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland Rocks.
13:35Hey are those pills kicking in?
13:38I don't know where Sheila leads.
13:42Uh, I think so.
13:44Yes!
13:46Cleveland rocks, Cleveland rocks.
13:49I got some records for World War II.
13:52I play them just like me granddad do.
13:56He was a rocker and now I am too.
13:59Oh, Cleveland rocks.
14:00I get it!
14:02Cleveland rocks.
14:07Cleveland rocks.
14:08Cleveland rocks.
14:09Cleveland rocks.
14:10Best night ever, baby.
14:12Come on, I just got the perfect idea for an ad for you.
14:15Cleveland rocks.
14:17Cleveland rocks.
14:19Sheila, about this ad,
14:21it kicks ass.
14:25Ohio, Ohio, Ohio, Ohio.
14:29Look, I'm pumped you brought me here to end the night,
14:32but why are we eating breakfast at this male strip club?
14:35And not the male strip club two blocks away with the good eggs.
14:37Because this is probably my last case.
14:41What do you mean, Lincoln?
14:42Lincoln.
14:43My mom named me that.
14:45After the tallest and best lawyer of all time,
14:48I've always tried to live up to the name.
14:50I guess it's the name Gum I'm having more trouble living up to.
14:54Gum. Gum.
14:55Oh, my God, your mom's the um, um,
14:58nickels and gum.
14:59Two things in your pocket.
15:01Ha-ha!
15:01I lost my virginity to that song.
15:03I used to get made fun of for it.
15:05I wanted to be more than a jingle and a funny billboard.
15:08Well, I was an assistant for every magic act in town.
15:11Greggs and Roberts, Gustav and Clint,
15:13Johnny Mutant, the Hell Genius,
15:15even Lunch Me.
15:16When I tried to do my own act,
15:17those mystical dickhead magicians blackballed me
15:19from their boys' club.
15:21Now I'm out in the streets scrapping and zapping.
15:23Scrapping and zapping is a thing we say.
15:25Wait, that's stupid.
15:27I saw your act.
15:28You were incredible.
15:30You had them eating out of the palm of your...
15:32Your, uh...
15:33What? Ass?
15:34Were you gonna say I had them eating out of the palm of my ass?
15:36Why would you say that?
15:38I've got my mom's lawyer smarts.
15:41You've got her razzle-matazzle.
15:43Together, we could come together to be my mom.
15:48Wait a minute.
15:48How is yours grosser than mine?
15:49Join my firm as my, I don't know, creative director.
15:53Let's team up.
15:54Finally, dude!
15:56Yes, obviously!
15:57I need a job that pays more than $30 a day.
16:00Also, you seem okay or whatever.
16:02Partners?
16:03Partners.
16:04Ah!
16:06The old exploding handshake.
16:08I've been waiting all night to do that.
16:10Very amusing.
16:11Now, let's get down...
16:14So, what's this big case?
16:15One sec.
16:16Let me get the team here.
16:17We have a team?
16:18Are any of them broad-shouldered young Danishmen?
16:21Fresh off the tree farm, naive to our American ways,
16:24perhaps in need of a firm older hand?
16:27No.
16:27What?
16:28No.
16:29Go for Glem.
16:31Irene, Glem, meet Sheila Flambe.
16:34She's a magician I got drunk with, and now she's gonna join our law firm.
16:37Yeah, that makes sense.
16:38Sure.
16:39And here's what we're dealing with.
16:41They're car keys.
16:42Do people like that?
16:43Yeah, baby!
16:44Oh, hey, Sheila.
16:46Hey, lunch meat.
16:47Okay, so here's my plan.
16:48When the courthouse opens, I'm gonna march right up to the judge
16:52and ask for more time to prepare a case.
16:55Lincoln, it's almost like you learned nothing from getting blackout drunk and dressing like a giant baby.
17:00These jurors, they walk by two burning pirate ships, ten dancing fountains, and a dead clown on their morning commutes.
17:06They're not gonna be oppressed by some hundred-year-old laws in a moldy old book.
17:10Wait.
17:11Spectacle?
17:12Hundred-year-old laws?
17:13I think I know how we're gonna win.
17:15How?
17:16I'm going shopping.
17:28Mr. Gum, we've been waiting for you.
17:30And I would be really mad if you didn't look so awesome!
17:35Hi, Your Honor.
17:37Hello, Lincoln.
17:38Where have you been?
17:39Your dead mom's grave?
17:41Cause she's dead.
17:42Uh, eat piss, buttwad!
17:44Yeah, eat piss.
17:46Piss?
17:46Buttwad?
17:48I'm bored!
17:49Opening arguments!
17:50Who wants to go first?
17:51How about you?
17:52Happy to.
17:53Ladies and gentlemen, and maybe a few not-so-ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
17:58my opponent is going to try to cloud your brains with a bunch of boring old laws and woke mind
18:05documents.
18:05But he can't change one thing.
18:08You know me from the TV.
18:12And you know that after 30 years, I would never steer you wrong.
18:16We're the good guys.
18:17They're the bad guys.
18:19End of story.
18:20Get used to it.
18:20Yeah!
18:22Yeah!
18:22Born Loser.
18:24That was good!
18:27My fellow Vegasians.
18:30Vegasians?
18:31Vegasians.
18:32We have a saying where I'm from.
18:34The law is a lot like the Unabomber.
18:37Misunderstood.
18:38Probably a little too harsh in its methods.
18:40But at the end of the day, it makes a damn fine neon purple Ultragen.
18:48How many keys were you forced to eat last Friday?
18:52A stripper's dozen.
18:53And how many is that?
18:5534.
18:5634 keys.
18:59You brave man.
19:01And can you read from section 3, line 42 of your contract?
19:05You've got to eat the keys, my guy.
19:08You've simply got to do it.
19:10But this is...
19:11No further questions.
19:12Stop dodging the question, doctor.
19:15Should people eat car keys?
19:17No.
19:18No, damn it.
19:18They should not.
19:19And do you specialize in nutrition?
19:22In problems of the stubborn?
19:23No.
19:24I'm just a simple brain surgeon.
19:28Yes, sir.
19:29Kids in my school keep getting sick.
19:30We don't know any better.
19:32We're all eating keys, trying to be sophisticated like the fancy dancing men.
19:36One girl died.
19:37She was blonde and everything.
19:40Order in the court order!
19:41Well, this certainly has been a legal battle for the ages.
19:45Let's see those closing arguments.
19:47But first, how about a round of applause for these boys, huh?
19:51Do you have it?
19:52Yup.
19:52Here's the gun you had me smuggle into the court row.
19:55And the book's almost ready.
19:57Just remember to cue me.
19:58Also, I'm gonna tell you now so you can't yell at me.
20:01Me and Irene collected all the money we're owed,
20:04but then we spent it on these cool gold watches.
20:07Let's go!
20:08I gotta see how this ends.
20:10Lincoln, you've got him eating out of the palm of your ass.
20:12Go kill the king.
20:14Yeah, Lincoln.
20:15Go kill the king.
20:17Steve, I don't know what your problem is with me or my mom,
20:20but I do know this.
20:22Shut up!
20:28Cowboys and cowgirls of the jury, I wanna tell y'all a tale of our little city here.
20:33Picture a bunch of vaqueros sat around a campfire under a starry sky.
20:38What do you think, compadres?
20:41This parcel of land looks suitable like for a town.
20:45I reckon it do, Peppy.
20:47A wonderful town where a feller can get all the sins out of his body
20:51so's that God won't kill him with lightning.
20:56Ugh!
20:56I'm dying, horse.
21:00Take my six-shooter.
21:04And remember why we founded this town.
21:09Remember the spirit of Las Vegas.
21:18The spirit of Las Vegas.
21:21A place where any old gunslingin' buckaroo with a few coins can do any old thing.
21:27Well, anything, except...
21:35Ma'am, would you mind reading the unbreakable bulletproof law that stopped my incredible shot?
21:40Furthermore, under protection of strip law, no man may ever be compelled to perform any act
21:46that brings pleasure to a woman in any way!
21:49Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my rootin' tootin' kicks.
21:53Hot Rams!
21:55Holy crap! That kicked ass!
21:58We don't even need to hear from the other guy. Cowboy wins!
22:02What?
22:02The jury agrees!
22:04No!
22:05I hereby award the plaintiff...
22:09One million dollars!
22:11Now release the confetti we saved for special occasions!
22:16And that was the scene earlier at the dramatic conclusion of the Stripper Eat Keys Even Though Don't Want To
22:21Gate trial.
22:22Strip clubs all over the city are checking their contracts for similar abusive language,
22:26bettering working conditions for all our city's heroic dancers.
22:29Some bystanders complained about the trial, asking questions like when was the jury chosen
22:34if the lawyers didn't even know about the case until the day before?
22:37Why didn't Lincoln have to enter anything into evidence?
22:39And wasn't this all a bit much?
22:41You can't fire a gun in a courtroom.
22:43But they were quickly labeled uptight nerds and told to sit their candy asses down.
22:46In other news...
22:47There's a new commercial!
22:48For too long, Vegas has been a graveyard where truth goes to die.
22:55But now, ever since he beat the evil Steve Nichols to save our innocent dancers from key poisoning,
23:02Lincoln Gum has been helping the poor and desperate of Las Vegas.
23:11I'm Lincoln Gum and I will fight for you!
23:15My son is a good lawyer, so I can go to heaven now!
23:20The gears of justice will chew you up!
23:23Call Lincoln Gum and he'll go out the works!
23:28My son is a bit the main thing for you to make a bitch.
23:36And I've changed my life.
23:40My son is a good boy.
23:41Let me know who you are.
23:41Well, that's your first time!
23:41You're my son, a boy.
23:43So before I do this, I've changed my life.
23:44And I'm your son is a good boy.
23:45My son is a little boy.
23:46My son is a little boy.
23:46I want to go out the scene.
23:46Now he's a little boy.
23:46He's a little boy.
23:47And let me know who you are a little boy.
23:49Now...
23:55Mike is a little boy.
23:56His big brother.
24:15Chirp.
24:54Chirp.
25:24Chirp.
25:29Chirp.
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